This may shock or offend, but it's real. It's my inner workings... read it, or skip it.
I've been a user of Livejournal for a bit over 4 years now.
This journal has seen a lot of good times, a lot of bad times. A lot of drunken nights, a lot of stoned nights. Many moons has this journal seen my dark days of depression. At times this online journal has saved me from doing stupid things because I decided to write rather than engage in harmful activities.
There has been loads of shit-talkin, loads of loooove, loads of sadness/depression/anxiety/panic..
horrid attempts at writing "poetry" if you can even call it that. I'm not a writer or a poet. I have no skill in the iambic pentameter. I never understood that stuff in high school, and I still don't understand it now. I never gave a flying fuck about the RULES OF RHYTHM AND RHYME. I still don't really give a flying fuck.
I've said a lot of good things... I've said a lot of bad things.
I've met cool people, and i've met SHITTY people through Livejournal. I remember when Livejournal was all the rage and everyone who was anyone had a Livejournal. I remember the old days of hanging out at Valley Hotel in Palmer and over-hearing conversations with the common phrases of, "..so I was on Livejournal today.."
That has now been replaced by the following: "..Oh my god, I totally read this _______ on Myspace today!"
Livejournal has not been REPLACED, it's just been put on the back burner to simmer for a while.
I still use this thing, and nearly everyone that i've got on my list still use this bastard.
Deadjournal.. hahahahhaaa, SUCKS!
what exactly is it that i'm getting at with this post? Not really anything in particular. I was actually just about to go to bed when a thought popped into my head: I've had a Livejournal for over 4 years.
Look at me now, i'm posting an entry about it.
does anyone really give a fuck? no, probably not.
anyone that has paid attention to all my bullshit, thanks for caring.. thank you for all the helpful and at times not-so helpful advice. either way, thank you for even giving me a moments attention. is it all for attention?
quite possibly yes.. who the hell doesn't want attention?
if you say that you don't care about attention, you're lieing. we all need attention be it from a girl or a boy, a parent, sibling, friend, foe, teacher/mentor or any type of figure that we look up to.
nevermind me, i'm just full of shit.
but thanks for taking the time to read my rants over these past 4 years.
to all my friends on here, you people are fucking sweet. i'm glad we know each other, i'm happy that we're friends.
everyone has an impact on everyone's life.. even if you speak to someone for just a minute or as little as 2 seconds.. you still made an impression on that person's life. Actions and words, people. Actions and words.
Be careful how you use them... ya never know how those two put together may turn someones life around for the better, or cause their life to take a turn for the worse.
I'm no better than anyone else out there. I've talked A LOT of shit. I've been a complete fucking douche-bag to A LOT of people. I'm not going to lie and say that i'm freaking sweet, i'm fucking awsome, everyone loves me because i'm PALMER DAN. Why did/do people adore me so much? What the fuck is really so great about me?
I'm a fucking prick. I do and say really really mean things to people. Yeah, I have a good soul, a good heart, and possibly a good head on my shoulders.. but I tend to use all of that for bad times.
Piss me off, and i'm going to be mean to you. Rip against my personal character, i'm going to bash on you harder than you bashed me. Attack me deeply on a personal level, and i'm going to rip you to shreds on a personal level. I'll get into it hardcore.. i'll cut you good and deep and make it fucking hurt.
Fuck with my family or my friends, and you're going down. I'll make everyone hate you, if that is not the outcome then everyone will hate me. Do I really care?
I can say that I don't give a fuck, but really I do care. So WHY keep up the pace? Why spread the hatred rather than the love? Because i'm a fucking bastard. I'm a human, i'm fallable. I'm not perfect, I have my faults. My faults are not very good faults either... my faults are that I could give a shit less about you whatsoever if you anger me enough.
It doesn't take very much to set me off like that either.
The Sara Gordon situation for example... that was completely uncalled for, and I totally burned some friends out of my life because of it. Do I care?
Yeah, I actually do feel a bit of remorse for it.. How do I deal with something like that? I block it out. I just tell myself that they're not worth my time. I tell myself that they're worthless. I tell myself that i'm better off without people like that..... In all reality i'm just as fucking bad a person myself for doing that.
Am I content with losing friends? Not totally.. I'll get over it though.
On the topic of LOVE..
What does LOVE really mean to me?
I don't even know anymore. I've "loved" so many people over the past 4 years. Loved.. not in the sense of IM IN LOVE WITH YOU, LET'S FUCK AND HAVE KIDS. Love in the sense that this is a person that I want to be friends with for the rest of my life. Love in the sense that i'll do whatever I can to protect you and/or defend you when and if needed.
Love as in, you're a very dear friend to me and if anything bad ever happened to you i'd cry. I would hurt badly on the inside. My soul aches.
What has it all gotten me? HEART-ACHE. I know i'm not the only one. I know that i'm not the only person that has had heart-ache or loss of friends through petty bullshit or death. But believe me when I say that I know how you feel.
I've had friends die. I've had my heart broken. I've been "in love" with a girl before. She broke my heart, and how did I react? I cried, and cried and cried and cried. I tried to kill myself over it twice. It took me nearly 2 years to get over that. Why so long? Pff.. hell if I know. I have a hard time forgiving people for the wrongs they've done to me. I'd have to expect the same back. I know I haven't been the best boyfriend to certain girls either. Fuck, i've only had 1 real relationship.. That was Sarah Meyer. I loved the hell outta that girl. It's too bad it ended the way it did.
It's a shame that I reacted so horribly. I can't go back in time and fix any of it though.
A good man once told me long ago, "Sometimes in life problems will arise. You'll screw something up and the only thing you can do is to do your best to fix it. Once you've done all that you can, sit back and wait. That is all you can do. If the problems don't get better, and you've done all you can to fix it.. well, that is life and you'll have to learn to live with it."
So maybe not those exact words. I paraphrased it. I heard that 5 years ago. It's been a long time, but the meaning still remains the same.
Love.... I love my friends, I love my family. My friends are my family. I have 2 families, if you will. The first being my blood, my immediate biological family. That would be my Father, my Mother, my brother, my two sisters and my niece. Fuck with any of them, and i'm going to come back at you with such a vengence you'd better hope that I never catch you. My second family would be my friends. Those that I hold closest to my heart I consider to be FAMILY.
Fuck with any of them, and you're fucking with me as well. The same rules apply. I'll come at you with a vengence as if i'm out for blood. Blood may not be in the literal sense of the word.. more like a metaphor or an allusion.
You get my point though. You've all got Family and Friends that you'd die/kill for, so you know and understand just what I mean by that last sentence.
As far as relationships, SEX, LOVE... all of it.. I could give a flying fuck about sex. I'm a guy yeah, so of course I have the primal, hormonal outbursts of "needing to get laid". At my inner most being, that is NOT who I am and NOT what I am about. The idea of men constantly on the prowl to "get some pussy" makes me fucking sick. I will not lie and say that I don't enjoy it. I love it just as much as the next guy that is SENSIBLE about it. It's great, it's fun... but it makes me feel like shit every time I do it. I feel like a slut. I feel like a whore. I feel like a piece of shit. I feel so low and worthless when I engage in sexual activity if it's not with someone that I care deeply about. If i'm not in a relationship with someone that I truely care about... the sex is meaningless. It's just plain and simple fucking. Hormonal release. Primitive urges being acted upon. I can control that. Everyone can, but not everyone looks at it in the same light that I do. Be kind to your body and USE YOUR FUCKING HAND. "ohhh but it's not the same." Damn right it's not the same as having some guys penis pummeling your vagina. Damn right it's not the same as your penis pummeling some girl's vagina. o00oooooo!!! SEX SEX SEX SEX! fuck that, it's not worth my time, my emotions, my energy, my spirit.
RELATIONSHIPS/LOVE-
I've only had one real relationship. I've dated a few girls, but only one was a REAL relationship in my eyes. Only ONE was someone that I really put effort into. I really did love her with all my heart. That is why it hurt so bad, that is why I reacted so horribly wrong and treated her like shit for the longest time after. I regret my actions and words. If I could take it all back I would. Sure it's in the past, it's behind us now but I gotta say this. I have to get it ALL OUT.
I miss her like hell. Nothing wrong with that now is there? No not at all.
When I say that I miss her, I don't mean that I miss dating her. I don't mean that I miss loving her. I'm not saying that I want to be in a realtionship again. I mean that I miss the friendship we had. I miss how close we were as friends.
The REALNESS of our friendship..the closeness. That I what I truely miss about it. We're still good friends now.
She moved off to Oregon. Congrats. I spent nearly a year there and couldn't take it. I missed my friends and family way too much. Portland is a fucking black hole. I hope you enjoy it Ms. Meyer. I do not wish any bad or harm your way, i'm being real when I say that I hope you enjoy it. I had a lot of good times. I have a lot of fond memories there. I made some really good friends while I was there. The good people are hard to find, but when ya find them, hell yeah!
NOW, enough digression.
Right now, i'm in love.
I'm in love with a girl that i've known for 3 years. Her name is Caitlin Kerins. I met this wonderful girl while I was walking around Palmer with Troy 3 years ago. I know there are some people that i'm friends with that hate her, but you people don't even know her. Get to know the REAL Caitlin, and you're not going to hate her. People are so quick to judge others based upon preconceived notions. These usually consist of what you've been told by other people. But that doesn't tell you much about that person. That just tells you other people's views and ideas of what a person is.
Fuck you if you don't like her. She's my favorite girl i've ever met. I love her with all my heart, all my soul, all my mind, and all of my strength. I love Caitlin in a way that i've never experienced before.
I've loved her since the day we first met. Obviously it was not LOVE at the time, but merely a strong infatuation. I was so intrigued by her mannerisms, her voice, how she was acting and most of all her eyes. Aye, she was wearing some sort of ski mask or biker helmet at the time.. I actually couldn't see her face. All I could really see was her eyes.
Her and Mystie told Troy and I to go to the rave at Raven Hall the coming Friday. So I said, "yeah i'll go!"
I'm glad I did.. Caitlin and I spent most of that night together at the rave. Talking, holding hands, cuddling and sleeping in the middle of the floor together. How precious huh?
I got her phone number from her when it was all over before we went our separate ways. I had to see her again. I had to talk to her again. There was no way in hell I could let this girl go. There was something different about her for sure.
I'm not going to get into shit-talking on this one.. She's done some lame things that hurt me, and i've probably done/said things to hurt her as well. Everyone does it. Even best friends hurt each other. It's inevitable.
Here's hoping that we all get over everything someday and become friends again.. Once again, I've digressed.
BACK once more!
Some of my fondest, most missed memories are the times I hung out with Caitlin over the past 3 years.
I haven't seen her in over a year because I moved outta Alaska. The last time I saw her was either at a Sammy's show in Wasilla last summer or going to visit her at her house before I left.
Even if we would only see each other for a minute at Bitoz just before she left, i'd be happy because I at least got to see her. I at least to got hold her for a few seconds in a warm embrace. She gives the best hugs ever.
Maybe I should wrap this up.. All in all..
I want to marry her. Say what you will, but it won't change my mind. I want to marry Caitlin. I love her. I don't want anyone else for the rest of my life but her. I feel dirty. I feel ashamed, I feel like a fucking creep when I look at other girls. This is NOT normal for me.. This is NOT RIGHT AT ALL! This CANNOT BE HAPPENING, or can it?
I've never experienced this before... I don't check out girls anymore. If i'm "checking out" a girl, i'm checking out the PANTS she's wearing because I like to wear girl's jeans. Damn right, I LOVE chick pants. They're freakin comfortable, and they look good on me. You may not think so, but who the fuck are you to say what I like and don't like?
I'll do what I do, and I'll wear what I want to wear. No one should EVER be concerned about what Female clothing i'm wearing unless I were to start wearing panties, bras or lingerie. NO THAT WILL NOT HAPPEN.
I'm comfortable enough with myself, my sexuality and my body that I can wear girl pants and a girls shirt. I don't give a flying fuck what you think or say. I'm not gay, i'm not bi, I DO NOT like guys whatsoever. I'll hit on and flirt with guys for fun because it freaks them the fuck out. It makes me laugh my ass off because of how uptight people are up here in Alaska. I lived in Portland for nearly a year for christsake. I was immersed in the homosexual subculture down there because no matter where I went, they were everywhere. I lived with homosexuals a couple times. They're just the same as anyone else. They're all humans, but they just decide to go for the same gender. Ehh, not my problem.
Living around that has caused me to be more open minded and tolerate of others.
Ignorance I will not tolerate. Being called a FAGGOT because I wear girl pants pisses me off. You can call me whatever you want. But if you start making attacks on my personal character, that fact that i'm a man, or you call me a FAGGOT .. I will not stand for it. I am NOT a faggot. A FAGGOT in my eyes is a completely flamboyant homosexual. Those types, I really cannot stand. Why? Because they act like that for attention. They want everyone to know that they're gay, they want everyone to see that they're gay, they think they're better than everyone just because they're freakin gay. I HATE THAT. I cannot stand that attitude coming from either gender or sexual preference.
Once again, digression.
Caitlin loves me for me. She loves me for who I am and what I am. She loves me despite my faults. She loves me despite the stupid shit i've said and done. She loves me even though I never graduated high school. She loves me even if i'm not a "success in the eyes of society or the world". None of that matters to her when it comes to loving me.
I love Caitlin for who she is. I love Caitlin even though she's done disagreeable things in the past. I know how she was.. She knows how I was and am now. We love each other despite our differences in opinions/views/convictions/beliefs. I'm a "loser" because I never graduated. I'm more than likely not going to college now or ever. I would love to, but I honestly don't see that happening. Why? Because it's not for me right now. I simply can not do it right now.
I don't have the focus at the moment for college. She still loves me anyways.
I fuckin love Caitlin Kerins. She has always been there for me when I needed someone. She was there for me the night my dad and I got in a fight and I had to run out of the house, jump in my car and just freakin drive.
I ended up at the Valley Country Store on Bogard.. I called Caitlin, nearly in tears. She told me to come over.
It was sometime past 2am when this happened. I woke her up in the middle of the night, and she still told me to come over. We stayed outside her house and talked. I needed someone, and she was there for me. It's always been like that with her. As to why we never dated? I was a fucking pussy. I was always afraid she would say no. That was so stupid of me... I should have asked her out so long ago, but I couldn't. I feared rejection from her more than anyone else ever.
I couldn't stand the thought of her saying no to me, so I never asked. When I finally did bring that up, it was when I was walking to work down in Portland, Oregon. I called her up on my cell and finally asked her what she would have said to me if I had ever asked her out. She said yes. I'm an idiot!
I should have came back from Portland sooner so I could have seen her before she left for Florida.
What am I going to do now that she's in Florida?
I want to move there to be with her so badly... It almost happened.
No details on that will be written. It almost happened though.. It very well could still happen.
Or am I just wishing for something better for my life at the moment?
What does Alaska have to offer me right now? Actually not much at the moment... it's going to take time and effort for me to make my life good again up here.
I want to leave this wretched place and be with the girl I love.
She misses me like all hell, and I miss her like all freaking hell too.
I want to marry Caitlin... she knows it, and she wants to marry me too.
so just what the fuck am I doing sitting on my ass up in Alaska?
I should just fucking leave....
I think it's getting close to the time that I should leave..
Caitlin and I at Wasilla Lake, Summer 2004
Our clothes/hair match. We were a perfect match that day...
I love her more than anyone. I remember this photo being taken. I remember this day at the lake. God, I looked like hell that day but that didn't matter to her. She loves me anyways, even if I look like shit.
this was one of the BEST moments i've EVER spent with Caitlin. Falling asleep on her bed while she was snuggling me...
I LOVE YOU CAITLIN KERINS!!
FOREVER.
This journal has seen a lot of good times, a lot of bad times. A lot of drunken nights, a lot of stoned nights. Many moons has this journal seen my dark days of depression. At times this online journal has saved me from doing stupid things because I decided to write rather than engage in harmful activities.
There has been loads of shit-talkin, loads of loooove, loads of sadness/depression/anxiety/panic..
horrid attempts at writing "poetry" if you can even call it that. I'm not a writer or a poet. I have no skill in the iambic pentameter. I never understood that stuff in high school, and I still don't understand it now. I never gave a flying fuck about the RULES OF RHYTHM AND RHYME. I still don't really give a flying fuck.
I've said a lot of good things... I've said a lot of bad things.
I've met cool people, and i've met SHITTY people through Livejournal. I remember when Livejournal was all the rage and everyone who was anyone had a Livejournal. I remember the old days of hanging out at Valley Hotel in Palmer and over-hearing conversations with the common phrases of, "..so I was on Livejournal today.."
That has now been replaced by the following: "..Oh my god, I totally read this _______ on Myspace today!"
Livejournal has not been REPLACED, it's just been put on the back burner to simmer for a while.
I still use this thing, and nearly everyone that i've got on my list still use this bastard.
Deadjournal.. hahahahhaaa, SUCKS!
what exactly is it that i'm getting at with this post? Not really anything in particular. I was actually just about to go to bed when a thought popped into my head: I've had a Livejournal for over 4 years.
Look at me now, i'm posting an entry about it.
does anyone really give a fuck? no, probably not.
anyone that has paid attention to all my bullshit, thanks for caring.. thank you for all the helpful and at times not-so helpful advice. either way, thank you for even giving me a moments attention. is it all for attention?
quite possibly yes.. who the hell doesn't want attention?
if you say that you don't care about attention, you're lieing. we all need attention be it from a girl or a boy, a parent, sibling, friend, foe, teacher/mentor or any type of figure that we look up to.
nevermind me, i'm just full of shit.
but thanks for taking the time to read my rants over these past 4 years.
to all my friends on here, you people are fucking sweet. i'm glad we know each other, i'm happy that we're friends.
everyone has an impact on everyone's life.. even if you speak to someone for just a minute or as little as 2 seconds.. you still made an impression on that person's life. Actions and words, people. Actions and words.
Be careful how you use them... ya never know how those two put together may turn someones life around for the better, or cause their life to take a turn for the worse.
I'm no better than anyone else out there. I've talked A LOT of shit. I've been a complete fucking douche-bag to A LOT of people. I'm not going to lie and say that i'm freaking sweet, i'm fucking awsome, everyone loves me because i'm PALMER DAN. Why did/do people adore me so much? What the fuck is really so great about me?
I'm a fucking prick. I do and say really really mean things to people. Yeah, I have a good soul, a good heart, and possibly a good head on my shoulders.. but I tend to use all of that for bad times.
Piss me off, and i'm going to be mean to you. Rip against my personal character, i'm going to bash on you harder than you bashed me. Attack me deeply on a personal level, and i'm going to rip you to shreds on a personal level. I'll get into it hardcore.. i'll cut you good and deep and make it fucking hurt.
Fuck with my family or my friends, and you're going down. I'll make everyone hate you, if that is not the outcome then everyone will hate me. Do I really care?
I can say that I don't give a fuck, but really I do care. So WHY keep up the pace? Why spread the hatred rather than the love? Because i'm a fucking bastard. I'm a human, i'm fallable. I'm not perfect, I have my faults. My faults are not very good faults either... my faults are that I could give a shit less about you whatsoever if you anger me enough.
It doesn't take very much to set me off like that either.
The Sara Gordon situation for example... that was completely uncalled for, and I totally burned some friends out of my life because of it. Do I care?
Yeah, I actually do feel a bit of remorse for it.. How do I deal with something like that? I block it out. I just tell myself that they're not worth my time. I tell myself that they're worthless. I tell myself that i'm better off without people like that..... In all reality i'm just as fucking bad a person myself for doing that.
Am I content with losing friends? Not totally.. I'll get over it though.
On the topic of LOVE..
What does LOVE really mean to me?
I don't even know anymore. I've "loved" so many people over the past 4 years. Loved.. not in the sense of IM IN LOVE WITH YOU, LET'S FUCK AND HAVE KIDS. Love in the sense that this is a person that I want to be friends with for the rest of my life. Love in the sense that i'll do whatever I can to protect you and/or defend you when and if needed.
Love as in, you're a very dear friend to me and if anything bad ever happened to you i'd cry. I would hurt badly on the inside. My soul aches.
What has it all gotten me? HEART-ACHE. I know i'm not the only one. I know that i'm not the only person that has had heart-ache or loss of friends through petty bullshit or death. But believe me when I say that I know how you feel.
I've had friends die. I've had my heart broken. I've been "in love" with a girl before. She broke my heart, and how did I react? I cried, and cried and cried and cried. I tried to kill myself over it twice. It took me nearly 2 years to get over that. Why so long? Pff.. hell if I know. I have a hard time forgiving people for the wrongs they've done to me. I'd have to expect the same back. I know I haven't been the best boyfriend to certain girls either. Fuck, i've only had 1 real relationship.. That was Sarah Meyer. I loved the hell outta that girl. It's too bad it ended the way it did.
It's a shame that I reacted so horribly. I can't go back in time and fix any of it though.
A good man once told me long ago, "Sometimes in life problems will arise. You'll screw something up and the only thing you can do is to do your best to fix it. Once you've done all that you can, sit back and wait. That is all you can do. If the problems don't get better, and you've done all you can to fix it.. well, that is life and you'll have to learn to live with it."
So maybe not those exact words. I paraphrased it. I heard that 5 years ago. It's been a long time, but the meaning still remains the same.
Love.... I love my friends, I love my family. My friends are my family. I have 2 families, if you will. The first being my blood, my immediate biological family. That would be my Father, my Mother, my brother, my two sisters and my niece. Fuck with any of them, and i'm going to come back at you with such a vengence you'd better hope that I never catch you. My second family would be my friends. Those that I hold closest to my heart I consider to be FAMILY.
Fuck with any of them, and you're fucking with me as well. The same rules apply. I'll come at you with a vengence as if i'm out for blood. Blood may not be in the literal sense of the word.. more like a metaphor or an allusion.
You get my point though. You've all got Family and Friends that you'd die/kill for, so you know and understand just what I mean by that last sentence.
As far as relationships, SEX, LOVE... all of it.. I could give a flying fuck about sex. I'm a guy yeah, so of course I have the primal, hormonal outbursts of "needing to get laid". At my inner most being, that is NOT who I am and NOT what I am about. The idea of men constantly on the prowl to "get some pussy" makes me fucking sick. I will not lie and say that I don't enjoy it. I love it just as much as the next guy that is SENSIBLE about it. It's great, it's fun... but it makes me feel like shit every time I do it. I feel like a slut. I feel like a whore. I feel like a piece of shit. I feel so low and worthless when I engage in sexual activity if it's not with someone that I care deeply about. If i'm not in a relationship with someone that I truely care about... the sex is meaningless. It's just plain and simple fucking. Hormonal release. Primitive urges being acted upon. I can control that. Everyone can, but not everyone looks at it in the same light that I do. Be kind to your body and USE YOUR FUCKING HAND. "ohhh but it's not the same." Damn right it's not the same as having some guys penis pummeling your vagina. Damn right it's not the same as your penis pummeling some girl's vagina. o00oooooo!!! SEX SEX SEX SEX! fuck that, it's not worth my time, my emotions, my energy, my spirit.
RELATIONSHIPS/LOVE-
I've only had one real relationship. I've dated a few girls, but only one was a REAL relationship in my eyes. Only ONE was someone that I really put effort into. I really did love her with all my heart. That is why it hurt so bad, that is why I reacted so horribly wrong and treated her like shit for the longest time after. I regret my actions and words. If I could take it all back I would. Sure it's in the past, it's behind us now but I gotta say this. I have to get it ALL OUT.
I miss her like hell. Nothing wrong with that now is there? No not at all.
When I say that I miss her, I don't mean that I miss dating her. I don't mean that I miss loving her. I'm not saying that I want to be in a realtionship again. I mean that I miss the friendship we had. I miss how close we were as friends.
The REALNESS of our friendship..the closeness. That I what I truely miss about it. We're still good friends now.
She moved off to Oregon. Congrats. I spent nearly a year there and couldn't take it. I missed my friends and family way too much. Portland is a fucking black hole. I hope you enjoy it Ms. Meyer. I do not wish any bad or harm your way, i'm being real when I say that I hope you enjoy it. I had a lot of good times. I have a lot of fond memories there. I made some really good friends while I was there. The good people are hard to find, but when ya find them, hell yeah!
NOW, enough digression.
Right now, i'm in love.
I'm in love with a girl that i've known for 3 years. Her name is Caitlin Kerins. I met this wonderful girl while I was walking around Palmer with Troy 3 years ago. I know there are some people that i'm friends with that hate her, but you people don't even know her. Get to know the REAL Caitlin, and you're not going to hate her. People are so quick to judge others based upon preconceived notions. These usually consist of what you've been told by other people. But that doesn't tell you much about that person. That just tells you other people's views and ideas of what a person is.
Fuck you if you don't like her. She's my favorite girl i've ever met. I love her with all my heart, all my soul, all my mind, and all of my strength. I love Caitlin in a way that i've never experienced before.
I've loved her since the day we first met. Obviously it was not LOVE at the time, but merely a strong infatuation. I was so intrigued by her mannerisms, her voice, how she was acting and most of all her eyes. Aye, she was wearing some sort of ski mask or biker helmet at the time.. I actually couldn't see her face. All I could really see was her eyes.
Her and Mystie told Troy and I to go to the rave at Raven Hall the coming Friday. So I said, "yeah i'll go!"
I'm glad I did.. Caitlin and I spent most of that night together at the rave. Talking, holding hands, cuddling and sleeping in the middle of the floor together. How precious huh?
I got her phone number from her when it was all over before we went our separate ways. I had to see her again. I had to talk to her again. There was no way in hell I could let this girl go. There was something different about her for sure.
I'm not going to get into shit-talking on this one.. She's done some lame things that hurt me, and i've probably done/said things to hurt her as well. Everyone does it. Even best friends hurt each other. It's inevitable.
Here's hoping that we all get over everything someday and become friends again.. Once again, I've digressed.
BACK once more!
Some of my fondest, most missed memories are the times I hung out with Caitlin over the past 3 years.
I haven't seen her in over a year because I moved outta Alaska. The last time I saw her was either at a Sammy's show in Wasilla last summer or going to visit her at her house before I left.
Even if we would only see each other for a minute at Bitoz just before she left, i'd be happy because I at least got to see her. I at least to got hold her for a few seconds in a warm embrace. She gives the best hugs ever.
Maybe I should wrap this up.. All in all..
I want to marry her. Say what you will, but it won't change my mind. I want to marry Caitlin. I love her. I don't want anyone else for the rest of my life but her. I feel dirty. I feel ashamed, I feel like a fucking creep when I look at other girls. This is NOT normal for me.. This is NOT RIGHT AT ALL! This CANNOT BE HAPPENING, or can it?
I've never experienced this before... I don't check out girls anymore. If i'm "checking out" a girl, i'm checking out the PANTS she's wearing because I like to wear girl's jeans. Damn right, I LOVE chick pants. They're freakin comfortable, and they look good on me. You may not think so, but who the fuck are you to say what I like and don't like?
I'll do what I do, and I'll wear what I want to wear. No one should EVER be concerned about what Female clothing i'm wearing unless I were to start wearing panties, bras or lingerie. NO THAT WILL NOT HAPPEN.
I'm comfortable enough with myself, my sexuality and my body that I can wear girl pants and a girls shirt. I don't give a flying fuck what you think or say. I'm not gay, i'm not bi, I DO NOT like guys whatsoever. I'll hit on and flirt with guys for fun because it freaks them the fuck out. It makes me laugh my ass off because of how uptight people are up here in Alaska. I lived in Portland for nearly a year for christsake. I was immersed in the homosexual subculture down there because no matter where I went, they were everywhere. I lived with homosexuals a couple times. They're just the same as anyone else. They're all humans, but they just decide to go for the same gender. Ehh, not my problem.
Living around that has caused me to be more open minded and tolerate of others.
Ignorance I will not tolerate. Being called a FAGGOT because I wear girl pants pisses me off. You can call me whatever you want. But if you start making attacks on my personal character, that fact that i'm a man, or you call me a FAGGOT .. I will not stand for it. I am NOT a faggot. A FAGGOT in my eyes is a completely flamboyant homosexual. Those types, I really cannot stand. Why? Because they act like that for attention. They want everyone to know that they're gay, they want everyone to see that they're gay, they think they're better than everyone just because they're freakin gay. I HATE THAT. I cannot stand that attitude coming from either gender or sexual preference.
Once again, digression.
Caitlin loves me for me. She loves me for who I am and what I am. She loves me despite my faults. She loves me despite the stupid shit i've said and done. She loves me even though I never graduated high school. She loves me even if i'm not a "success in the eyes of society or the world". None of that matters to her when it comes to loving me.
I love Caitlin for who she is. I love Caitlin even though she's done disagreeable things in the past. I know how she was.. She knows how I was and am now. We love each other despite our differences in opinions/views/convictions/beliefs. I'm a "loser" because I never graduated. I'm more than likely not going to college now or ever. I would love to, but I honestly don't see that happening. Why? Because it's not for me right now. I simply can not do it right now.
I don't have the focus at the moment for college. She still loves me anyways.
I fuckin love Caitlin Kerins. She has always been there for me when I needed someone. She was there for me the night my dad and I got in a fight and I had to run out of the house, jump in my car and just freakin drive.
I ended up at the Valley Country Store on Bogard.. I called Caitlin, nearly in tears. She told me to come over.
It was sometime past 2am when this happened. I woke her up in the middle of the night, and she still told me to come over. We stayed outside her house and talked. I needed someone, and she was there for me. It's always been like that with her. As to why we never dated? I was a fucking pussy. I was always afraid she would say no. That was so stupid of me... I should have asked her out so long ago, but I couldn't. I feared rejection from her more than anyone else ever.
I couldn't stand the thought of her saying no to me, so I never asked. When I finally did bring that up, it was when I was walking to work down in Portland, Oregon. I called her up on my cell and finally asked her what she would have said to me if I had ever asked her out. She said yes. I'm an idiot!
I should have came back from Portland sooner so I could have seen her before she left for Florida.
What am I going to do now that she's in Florida?
I want to move there to be with her so badly... It almost happened.
No details on that will be written. It almost happened though.. It very well could still happen.
Or am I just wishing for something better for my life at the moment?
What does Alaska have to offer me right now? Actually not much at the moment... it's going to take time and effort for me to make my life good again up here.
I want to leave this wretched place and be with the girl I love.
She misses me like all hell, and I miss her like all freaking hell too.
I want to marry Caitlin... she knows it, and she wants to marry me too.
so just what the fuck am I doing sitting on my ass up in Alaska?
I should just fucking leave....
I think it's getting close to the time that I should leave..
Caitlin and I at Wasilla Lake, Summer 2004
Our clothes/hair match. We were a perfect match that day...
I love her more than anyone. I remember this photo being taken. I remember this day at the lake. God, I looked like hell that day but that didn't matter to her. She loves me anyways, even if I look like shit.
this was one of the BEST moments i've EVER spent with Caitlin. Falling asleep on her bed while she was snuggling me...
I LOVE YOU CAITLIN KERINS!!
FOREVER.