That Feline Beat, gen, PG
Title: That Feline Beat
Author: skintightsocks
Rating: PG
Pairing: Gen
Word Count: 1,000+
Summary: "Today," Brittany says, tilting the laptop slightly to focus on the interview setup, "my guest is Jesse St. James: former Vocal Adrenaline douchebag robot, and current show choir consultant assbag who is just begging to have his ass beat down."
Spoilers: Takes place during/after episode 2x21
Warnings: None
Author Notes: Title is from "Everybody Wants To Be A Cat" from The Aristocats. You can't just dangle the prospect of Jesse St. James on Fondue For Two in our face and not follow through, writers. Much like the last time they so blatantly ruined our lives with false promises, we had to fix it.
"These are excellently edited opening titles," Jesse says, watching them play on Brittany's laptop.
"Thanks," Brittany says, staring intently at the computer. "Lauren Zizes helped me make them in exchange for telling her about all the times Puck cried after sex and what he said while he was crying. Usually it was stuff about his mom."
Jesse's thinking of how to use this information to his advantage when Brittany suddenly taps a button and then hops quickly up on her bed. "Hi," she says, smiling brightly, if a bit vacantly, at the camera. "This is my internet talk show, Fondue For Two, which combines the two things I love the most: hot cheese and talking to people."
Jesse nods. Those are two of his favorite things as well, right behind applause and validation.
"Today," Brittany says, tilting the laptop slightly to focus on the interview setup, "my guest is Jesse St. James: former Vocal Adrenaline douchebag robot, and current show choir consultant assbag who is just begging to have his ass beat down."
"Who said that?" Jesse asks, narrowing his eyes.
"Everyone in glee club," Brittany says. "They used a lot of different words, but that's what Mercedes wrote down when I asked her for help with your introduction."
"I see," Jesse says, clutching the ends of his scarf. He'll have to think of something truly cutting to say to Mercedes next time he sees her. He makes a mental note to ask around and find out if her parents love her or not.
"Anyway," Brittany says, "as my long time viewers may have noticed, I only have one guest today. I wanted to change the title to Fondue For One, but Lauren said she wouldn't help me make a new intro, so I decided to keep it."
"Brittany," Jesse points out, "there are two of us here."
"I know," Brittany says sadly. "I asked everyone but no one in glee club would agree to come on with you, and Mr. Schue said he had to wash his hair."
Jesse decides to just go with it, and spears a piece of cauliflower with his dipping stick. As soon as the smell of hot cheese spreads through the air, there's a plaintive meow from the doorway, and perhaps the fattest cat Jesse has ever seen jumps onto Brittany's bed.
"Excellent," Brittany says, hoisting the cat onto her lap. "I was afraid you weren't going to show up again, like last time. I opened four cans of tuna, just like your list of demands said, and you were nowhere to be found. I had to eat all of them myself, and I got sick and totally hurled."
The cat meows.
"Jesse is here to use his awesome judging skills on my cat, Lord Tubbington," Brittany says, kissing the cat's head. "Jesse?"
Jesse pauses with a piece of cheese-covered cauliflower halfway to his mouth. "Is he going to perform? I can't judge him if he doesn't perform."
"Oh," Brittany says with a frown. "Lord Tubbington won't perform on camera anymore. Back when he was an orange cat someone used old footage of him without a consent form, and he became an internet sensation but he never saw a dime."
"That's horrible," Jesse says. "Honestly, in this day and age performer's rights are so tenuous."
"Totally," Brittany says, nodding, as Lord Tubbington struggles out of her arms and over to the fondue pot, licking around the edge of it. "Lord Tubbington used to be, like, super awesome at the keyboard, and he even graduated to the more stellar and elegant keytar, but then he lost all motivation and turned to drugs instead of music. He was black and white then, and when he hit rock bottom he went to the same rehab as Drew Barrymore when she was like ten or something."
"Brittany, how old is Lord Tubbington?" Jesse asks, curious. "And just how often does he change colors?"
"No one knows," Brittany sighs. "It's part of Lord Tubbington's mysterious appeal. And he changes colors when he uses up one of his lives. You know how cats have nine lives? Yeah, well, they're a different color every time!"
"Rock on," Jesse says with a nod. "I never knew that about cats."
"Anyway," she says, turning back to the camera, "That's all we have time for today. Tune in next week for Fondue For Two, where we'll be dipping frozen fish sticks into hot caramel."
Jesse grimaces as Brittany hits a button and the outro music plays, then turns to her with his very best serious face. "Brittany?" he says gently. "Can we talk?"
"Sure," Brittany says, petting Lord Tubbington's back as he licks the cheese.
"It's about Lord Tubbington," he says, reaching for Brittany's hand. "I know this may be hard to hear, but your cat is grotesquely fat. Lord Tubbington is in crisis mode," Jesse says. Brittany gets a distressed look on her face, her eyes going big and watery, and Jesse squeezes her hand.
"It's not too late," he tells her. "I'm going to help you. I cannot and will not abide an overweight cat. All other animals and humans can do whatever they'd like. Except for jackals. Cats and jackals. I feel an affinity with both of them, and I can't stand to see them in anything less than prime competitive form."
"He's on Atkins, but I know he's sneaking candy bars," Brittany says, her voice trembling. "He's not very good at hiding the wrappers."
"It's okay," Jesse says, standing up and pulling her into a hug. He's excellent at comforting people, just like he's excellent at most things. "I'm here for you. We can do this together."
"Okay," Brittany says, pulling back with a sniffle and nodding at him. "Thanks, Jesse. You're not a festering cold sore on the otherwise flawless face of New Directions like Kurt said you were."
Jesse lets that one slide, because they've got more important things to tend to. "Now," he says, sitting back down and gesturing for Brittany to do the same. "About Lord Tubbington's dilemma. Do you think he would agree to let us film his journey to fitness? Weight loss shows are huge these days, and both of us really pop on camera."
Author: skintightsocks
Rating: PG
Pairing: Gen
Word Count: 1,000+
Summary: "Today," Brittany says, tilting the laptop slightly to focus on the interview setup, "my guest is Jesse St. James: former Vocal Adrenaline douchebag robot, and current show choir consultant assbag who is just begging to have his ass beat down."
Spoilers: Takes place during/after episode 2x21
Warnings: None
Author Notes: Title is from "Everybody Wants To Be A Cat" from The Aristocats. You can't just dangle the prospect of Jesse St. James on Fondue For Two in our face and not follow through, writers. Much like the last time they so blatantly ruined our lives with false promises, we had to fix it.
"These are excellently edited opening titles," Jesse says, watching them play on Brittany's laptop.
"Thanks," Brittany says, staring intently at the computer. "Lauren Zizes helped me make them in exchange for telling her about all the times Puck cried after sex and what he said while he was crying. Usually it was stuff about his mom."
Jesse's thinking of how to use this information to his advantage when Brittany suddenly taps a button and then hops quickly up on her bed. "Hi," she says, smiling brightly, if a bit vacantly, at the camera. "This is my internet talk show, Fondue For Two, which combines the two things I love the most: hot cheese and talking to people."
Jesse nods. Those are two of his favorite things as well, right behind applause and validation.
"Today," Brittany says, tilting the laptop slightly to focus on the interview setup, "my guest is Jesse St. James: former Vocal Adrenaline douchebag robot, and current show choir consultant assbag who is just begging to have his ass beat down."
"Who said that?" Jesse asks, narrowing his eyes.
"Everyone in glee club," Brittany says. "They used a lot of different words, but that's what Mercedes wrote down when I asked her for help with your introduction."
"I see," Jesse says, clutching the ends of his scarf. He'll have to think of something truly cutting to say to Mercedes next time he sees her. He makes a mental note to ask around and find out if her parents love her or not.
"Anyway," Brittany says, "as my long time viewers may have noticed, I only have one guest today. I wanted to change the title to Fondue For One, but Lauren said she wouldn't help me make a new intro, so I decided to keep it."
"Brittany," Jesse points out, "there are two of us here."
"I know," Brittany says sadly. "I asked everyone but no one in glee club would agree to come on with you, and Mr. Schue said he had to wash his hair."
Jesse decides to just go with it, and spears a piece of cauliflower with his dipping stick. As soon as the smell of hot cheese spreads through the air, there's a plaintive meow from the doorway, and perhaps the fattest cat Jesse has ever seen jumps onto Brittany's bed.
"Excellent," Brittany says, hoisting the cat onto her lap. "I was afraid you weren't going to show up again, like last time. I opened four cans of tuna, just like your list of demands said, and you were nowhere to be found. I had to eat all of them myself, and I got sick and totally hurled."
The cat meows.
"Jesse is here to use his awesome judging skills on my cat, Lord Tubbington," Brittany says, kissing the cat's head. "Jesse?"
Jesse pauses with a piece of cheese-covered cauliflower halfway to his mouth. "Is he going to perform? I can't judge him if he doesn't perform."
"Oh," Brittany says with a frown. "Lord Tubbington won't perform on camera anymore. Back when he was an orange cat someone used old footage of him without a consent form, and he became an internet sensation but he never saw a dime."
"That's horrible," Jesse says. "Honestly, in this day and age performer's rights are so tenuous."
"Totally," Brittany says, nodding, as Lord Tubbington struggles out of her arms and over to the fondue pot, licking around the edge of it. "Lord Tubbington used to be, like, super awesome at the keyboard, and he even graduated to the more stellar and elegant keytar, but then he lost all motivation and turned to drugs instead of music. He was black and white then, and when he hit rock bottom he went to the same rehab as Drew Barrymore when she was like ten or something."
"Brittany, how old is Lord Tubbington?" Jesse asks, curious. "And just how often does he change colors?"
"No one knows," Brittany sighs. "It's part of Lord Tubbington's mysterious appeal. And he changes colors when he uses up one of his lives. You know how cats have nine lives? Yeah, well, they're a different color every time!"
"Rock on," Jesse says with a nod. "I never knew that about cats."
"Anyway," she says, turning back to the camera, "That's all we have time for today. Tune in next week for Fondue For Two, where we'll be dipping frozen fish sticks into hot caramel."
Jesse grimaces as Brittany hits a button and the outro music plays, then turns to her with his very best serious face. "Brittany?" he says gently. "Can we talk?"
"Sure," Brittany says, petting Lord Tubbington's back as he licks the cheese.
"It's about Lord Tubbington," he says, reaching for Brittany's hand. "I know this may be hard to hear, but your cat is grotesquely fat. Lord Tubbington is in crisis mode," Jesse says. Brittany gets a distressed look on her face, her eyes going big and watery, and Jesse squeezes her hand.
"It's not too late," he tells her. "I'm going to help you. I cannot and will not abide an overweight cat. All other animals and humans can do whatever they'd like. Except for jackals. Cats and jackals. I feel an affinity with both of them, and I can't stand to see them in anything less than prime competitive form."
"He's on Atkins, but I know he's sneaking candy bars," Brittany says, her voice trembling. "He's not very good at hiding the wrappers."
"It's okay," Jesse says, standing up and pulling her into a hug. He's excellent at comforting people, just like he's excellent at most things. "I'm here for you. We can do this together."
"Okay," Brittany says, pulling back with a sniffle and nodding at him. "Thanks, Jesse. You're not a festering cold sore on the otherwise flawless face of New Directions like Kurt said you were."
Jesse lets that one slide, because they've got more important things to tend to. "Now," he says, sitting back down and gesturing for Brittany to do the same. "About Lord Tubbington's dilemma. Do you think he would agree to let us film his journey to fitness? Weight loss shows are huge these days, and both of us really pop on camera."