You Can Call Me Al, Chris & Darren, PG-13, 1/2
Title: You Can Call Me Al
Author: skintightsocks
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Chris & Darren friendship, Chris/OMC, Darren/OFC
Word Count: 11,500+
Summary: "We were supposed to get each other laid, and now all you want to do is watch Rom-Coms and cuddle on my couch." AKA: Chris and Darren decide to be each other's wingmen, and it doesn't go well.
Spoilers: None
Warnings: None
Author Notes: Title is from the song of the same name by Paul Simon. We can never say no to fic about bros, so this... just kind of happened. Thanks to preromantics, elenlilta, and as always inovertime for looking over this for us at various stages!
"Watching you strike out is one of the greatest joys in my life," Chris says, clapping a little when Darren comes slinking back over to the couch Chris is sitting on, sipping his drink.
"I didn't strike out," Darren says, grabbing his beer. "She's gay."
"I know she's gay, that's why I was so delighted when you set your sights on her," Chris says, patting his shoulder. "It's so weird how your gaydar malfunctions when it comes to lesbians."
"She could have been bi," Darren says, slumping down on the sofa. "You don't know."
"Oh, I know," Chris says. He doesn't, but he definitely knows more than Darren. Of this he is sure.
"Stop being so fucking cocky," Darren pouts, elbowing him. "Picking up girls is totally different from picking up guys. It's an entirely different skill set."
"It cannot be that hard," Chris says, rolling his eyes. "Besides, I'm charming, everyone loves me. I could pick up a girl if I wanted."
"I'll give you a hundred dollars and pay our tab if you can pick up a girl in this bar," Darren says, his face lighting up. "I swear it."
"Any girl?" Chris asks, quirking an eyebrow.
"No, I get to pick," Darren says, immediately going over to the rail of the VIP area and staring down at the crowd. "Her," he says immediately, pointing to a leggy redhead.
"Nope," Chris says, grinning as he sees the blond Darren struck out with heading over to her.
"Why not, you can't just fucking veto all my-- how do you do that?" Darren asks, breaking off as the blond kisses the redhead in a way that is decidedly more than friendly.
"Talent," Chris says with a shrug, spotting a tiny brunette sipping a beer at the end of the bar. "I pick her," he says, pointing.
"Deal," Darren says, jumping in place a little. "This is going to be hilarious."
Chris just rolls his eyes and hands Darren his drink, heading down the stairs and making his way through the crowd and over to the bar. He slides onto the stool next to the girl and holds out his hand.
"Hi," he says with his best charming smile. "I'm Chris."
"Leslie," she says, quirking an eyebrow at him and holding out her hand. "But aren't you--"
"A wonderful conversation partner who's buying your next drink?" Chris says with a grin. "Yes, yes I am."
-
"How," Darren hisses at him the minute Leslie heads down the stairs to get her purse from the coat check. "How did you do that?"
"I'm charming, I've told you before," Chris says, grinning. Darren looks so absolutely baffled that Chris is tempted to let Darren in on his plan, but then again, his confusion is just so funny.
"Ready!" Leslie says, sliding up beside Chris and reaching up on her tip-toes to kiss him on the cheek. Darren gapes.
"Excellent," Chris says, squeezing at her waist. "I told Leslie all about that 24-hour tapas place you love," Chris says, guiding her forward toward Darren and trying not to laugh when his eyes go wide. "She's dying to check it out."
"She is-- you are?" Darren asks, looking at Leslie where she's grabbed onto his arm.
"I am," Leslie says with a laugh. "I have to admit, I don't usually go for guys who send a wingman, but I don't think Chris would steer me wrong."
"He would not," Darren says, catching on, a giant grin spreading over his face. "He's very honorable, that Chris."
"Have fun!" Chris says, pushing gently on Darren's shoulder until he starts to walk. "Remember, try the gambas! You'll thank me!"
-
Chris's phone buzzes a few hours later while he's going over revision notes on his bed, and he grins to himself as he reaches for it, knowing exactly who it is.
I don't know if I should thank you or refuse to pay up, Darren texts.
First of all, I paid our tab so you've already gone back on your word, and second, you never said who I was picking her up for. Chris sends back.
Guess I'm thanking you then, Darren says a minute or two later. Did not see that coming.
What did you think I was going to do, go pick up some poor girl & then say "whoops I'm gay! Sorry about that, thanks for making me $100." You know I'm classier than that. Chris sends, rolling his eyes.
That's why you get all the ladies ;), Darren texts back, and Chris laughs, rolling his eyes and putting his phone back on the nightstand so he can get back to his computer.
-
Darren walks into the choir room the next day, looking way too smug for someone wearing neon orange pants with a pink polo shirt.
"Good morning!" he says, taking his seat next to Chris and grinning widely.
"You got laid," Lea says, swiveling around in her chair. "You totally got laid."
"I totally did get laid," Darren says happily, holding his hand up to Lea for a high five.
"You're welcome, by the way," Chris says pointedly.
"Wait, what?" Lea says, her eyes going wide. "Did you two do it?"
"Shit, who had this week in the pool?" Mark asks, patting his pockets and pulling out his phone.
"Gross, Lea," Chris says. "We did not have sex, I just picked up a girl for him after he failed miserably at doing it himself."
"Gross?" Darren asks, looking genuinely hurt. "Really, Christopher?"
"Since when do you guys have a pool?" Chris asks, ignoring Darren in favor of glaring at Mark.
"It wasn't my idea, I'm just the record holder," Mark says, holding up his hands. "But if you ever want to help me out, I have all of December bought out because people make bad decisions around the holidays."
"Whose idea was it?" Chris asks, looking at Lea to see if she makes her guilty face and narrowing his eyes when she looks away innocently. He pulls out his phone to text Ashley, since she always knows everything even though she's hardly on set anymore.
"What are the rules?" Darren asks. "Does it have to be full out sex or do blowjobs count?"
"No," Chris says, not bothering to look up from his phone. "Shut up right now or I will never be your wingman again."
Did you know there's a pool going about me and Darren hooking up? Chris sends to Ashley. It takes 30 seconds, at the most, for him to get a response.
duh, I started it with lea. you lost me so much money by keeping it in your pants, prude
Chris rolls his eyes at the screen and then looks up, glaring at Lea. He knew she had something to do with this.
"Why does Darren even need a wingman?" Lea asks, ignoring Chris's glare in favor of smiling sweetly at Mark and not-so-subtly moving behind him. Like Mark could stop him if he really wanted to go after her. "I watch him flirt all the time, he's super good at it."
"He has no follow through," Chris says. "He can't seal the deal. Hit a home run. Get the turkey in the oven."
"First of all, yes I can, and secondly who the fuck says 'get the turkey in the oven,' Chris? Seriously?"
"I don't know, you say weird stuff all the time. I figured it could be a possibility."
"I can so seal the deal," Darren says, crossing his arms and pouting a little. "I can hit the home run and put like ten turkeys in the oven, okay."
"Okay, I see your point, never say that again," Chris says, patting him on the knee.
-
"What do you want," Chris hisses sleepily into his phone a few nights later when Darren's self-assigned ringtone wakes him up. Now he's going to have Sexy Back in his head when he gets up.
"You were right," Darren says, his voice slurred and miserable. "I can't get the turkey in the oven, Chris."
"What?" Chris asks, blinking up at his ceiling.
"It's just sitting there. On the counter. It could be so hot, and all golden brown and shit, but it's just sitting there raw. No one gets to orgasm when the turkey is raw."
"Wow," Chris says. "Why are you calling me? Go wake up Joey."
"Joey's not here," Darren says sadly. "Joey's probably got a turkey in the oven as we speak."
"I thought we agreed we'd stop using the turkey metaphor," Chris yawns. "I'm sorry you struck out. It was totally her loss. You are virile and sexy and should go to sleep and leave me alone."
"I'm virile?" Darren asks, sounding disproportionately happy. "Fuck yeah, I'm so virile."
"That's right," Chris says patiently, "now go to bed."
"Virily," Darren says. "I'm going to bed virily."
"Verily," Chris says, giggling a little at himself and then hanging up before Darren can say anything else.
-
Chris is just stumbling out of bed the next morning when there's a knock at his door. And then the doorbell rings. And then Darren shouts, "Wake up and let me in." Chris considers ignoring him, but there's the off-chance he can get Darren to make him breakfast and Darren makes pretty great eggs.
"What?" he asks when he opens the door.
"I'm here to proposition you," Darren says, pushing past him. He's still in sweatpants and his hair is going in five different directions and he's got on the biggest sunglasses Chris has ever seen, but he's carrying coffee and donuts, so Chris figures he can humor Darren if he gets food out of it.
"Give me my donuts before you say whatever it is you're going to say," Chris says. Darren smiles at him and hands over the box, and Chris collapses onto his sofa, yawning so loud that his jaw cracks. Darren slumps down beside him and hands over the coffee before opening the box and grabbing a powdered donut.
"You're going to get sugar all over my couch," Chris says, but to be honest he's more concerned with the chocolate covered jelly he sees at the back of the box. Darren, the asshole, waits until he's got a giant mouthful of delicious raspberry jelly and he knows Chris can't respond to start talking.
"So, I want you to be my wingman," Darren says.
"Fwuck ew," Chris says around a mouthful of donut.
"It's rude to talk with food in your mouth," Darren says. "Are you doing this on dates? That's probably why you're not getting laid."
"Fuck. You," Chris enunciates sweetly once he's swallowed. "Why would I help you get laid when I'm not getting laid?"
"That's the beauty of it," Darren says, toeing off his shoes and putting his feet on Chris's coffee table, ignoring Chris's glare. "While you're picking up girls for me, I'll be picking up guys for you."
"And what makes you think you can pick up guys any better than you can pick up girls?" Chris asks, rolling his eyes. Darren gestures at himself while smiling smugly.
"Oh please, you can't get guys just because you're hot," Chris says.
"No, I can get them because I'm hot, and charming, and I give off a vibe that--"
"Makes people think you're super gay and super slutty?" Chris asks.
"Makes people want to get to know me," Darren says, ignoring him. "It's why I made out with so many guys in college, I inspire trust. I'm very open."
"That's what the guys said," Chris mumbles into his donut.
"See? So crass, too," Darren says, gesturing with his donut and flinging powdered sugar everywhere. "You need me."
"I need you to get out of my house," Chris groans.
"Say you'll do it, and I'll go," Darren says, grinning widely at him.
"Will you go and leave the donuts?" Chris asks. There's a eclair at the bottom that is calling his name.
"Can I grab that eclair first?" Darren asks hopefully.
"No," Chris says, grabbing the box and clutching it to his chest. "Don't touch my eclair."
"If you'd let me touch your eclair I wouldn't have to find you a man," Darren says, smirking at him.
"Yeah, and I'm the one who's crass," Chris says, possibly undermining his point by shoving as much of the eclair into his mouth as he can and then handing the very end to Darren.
"Gwah," Chris says, pointing to the door, wincing a little when cream filling dribbles out the corner of his mouth.
"I should just take a picture of this and show it to the guys I'm picking up for you," Darren says, popping the tiny bite of eclair into his mouth and grabbing his shoes before heading for the door.
Chris considers getting in a parting shot but he's still got a mouthful of donut, so he settles for flipping Darren off instead, rolling his eyes when Darren blows him an exaggerated kiss on his way out the door.
-
"So here's the plan," Darren says a few days later when their schedules finally line up enough to attempt what Chris has been mentally been calling Darren's Worst Idea Ever, which says a lot because Darren once thought he could make friends with a mangy stray cat and nearly got rabies. "Are you listening at all?"
"Not really, no," Chris says, fussing with his hair in the lighted passenger side mirror.
"Well start, this is important for you, because you're going first," Darren says.
"Oh god," Chris says, bracing himself.
"I mean, technically you already hooked me up, so I owe you one, right? Now tell me what kind of dudes you're into."
"The kind who can't be picked up by you," Chris says, smiling sweetly at him.
"Tell me, or I'm going to find that one guy who reminds you of your drunk uncle, and you know I can do it because there's one of those guys at every fucking gay bar." He's right. There totally is.
"You know, it's kind of sad that you've spent so much more time in gay bars than me," Chris says, sighing. "But fine. You know my type. Tallish, not too skinny but not too muscular, pretty eyes, big--"
"I don't know if I can find out how big a dude's dick is. I'm good, but I'm not that good."
"Hands," Chris snaps. "I was going to say big hands."
"Okay, what else?" Darren asks. "You know, personality wise. Is there any kind of vibe you go for? Boy next door? Tall, dark, and handsome?"
"You played too much Mystery Date as a kid, didn't you?" Chris asks.
"I was awesome at that game," Darren says proudly. "Now answer me."
"I don't know," Chris says, shrugging. "I guess I like my guys kind of... adventurous? Maybe a little dangerous, but in a sexy way, not a serial killer way."
"Dude, no," Darren says, his eyes going wide. "Chris, no, trust me, you do not want to go looking for 'adventurous' guys. That is how you end up with a fist in your ass."
"Please don't tell me," Chris says desperately. "Do not tell me."
"Not me," Darren says quickly. "A friend."
"Just like it was your 'friend' who ended up tied to a table in women's underwear that time?" Chris asks. That's the kind of story you never forget. Chris knows, because he's tried.
"No, I'm being serious this time," Darren says, pulling into the parking lot of the club. "It really did happen to a friend of mine, not me. The most I've ever had in my ass was--"
"Okay," Chris says. "Okay, that's enough. Let's do this before I lose my nerve."
"Speaking of asses, though, a nice ass is a requirement, right?" Darren asks, a smirk playing at his lips when he adds, "I've seen you looking."
"Only because Lea and I are trying to gather data to see how often you wear underwear when you're not in costume," Chris says with a shrug. "Speaking of, last Tuesday--"
"Commando," Darren says with a happy smile, pulling into a parking space. "Now come on, Colfer. Let's get you laid."
-
Apparently, getting him laid mostly involves Darren talking animatedly to guy after guy while Chris sips his drink on the balcony. As far as Chris can tell, he's striking out pretty righteously, most of the guys just smiling awkwardly or clapping him on the shoulder and then walking away. Chris wants to gloat, but mostly he wants to get laid and he's pretty sure he could do better without Darren's help.
He's just about to go pull Darren away from the seemingly baffled tall guy in glasses when the tall guy puts his hand on Darren's shoulder and leads him away from the bar. Huh. Maybe Darren wasn't overestimating his skills after all. Chris shrugs and arranges himself artfully on the nearest couch, just in case Darren actually brings the guy back. He was pretty cute, from what Chris could see.
It takes Darren exactly two songs to show back up, and Chris nearly chokes on his drink when he gets a look at him. Darren's rumpled, his hair sticking out in different directions and his shirt half untucked, and Chris just raises an eyebrow at him and waits.
"I think he may have gotten the wrong idea," Darren says sheepishly. "At first people just kept congratulating me for being so in love with you--"
Chris snorts. "Darren, what did you say?"
"Just the usual stuff. Funny, smart, handsome, eyes you could lose yourself in, how you're the kind of guy you want to settle down with somewhere and raise dogs or possibly babies--"
"Oh god," Chris says, slumping back onto the couch. "What is wrong with you."
"But anyway, that guy seemed really interested and I was taking him up here but then he kind of detoured us and pressed me against a speaker. I still can't really hear out of my right ear."
"So you just let him make out with you?" Chris asks, rolling his eyes.
"It seemed kind of rude not to, since he had already started and everything," Darren says with a shrug. "Besides, I liked the song that was playing and I stopped him before he got to second base."
"Well of course," Chris says. "It's good to have boundaries. God, how on earth did you end up hooking up while trying to hook me up? This is hopeless."
"It is not," Darren says, grabbing Chris's wrist and tugging him up off the sofa. "Because I have a new strategy. Now come with me."
"No," Chris says, trying to dig his heels in. "No, first you tell me the plan. The whole plan. You leave nothing out."
"I'll buy you another drink if you just go with me," Darren says, smiling imploringly at him.
"Ugh, fine," Chris says, draining the last of his and setting the empty glass down. "Stop smiling at me like that, people are going to think you're my boyfriend again."
-
People still think Darren's his boyfriend. Darren's bright idea had been to take Chris with him ("You know, show off the merchandise," he had said with a wink) which was an entire new level of humiliation that Chris had no idea existed.
"And look at those eyes," Darren said, throwing his arm up around Chris's shoulder. "Couldn't you just stare into them for hours?"
"I hate you," Chris hisses, before turning to the poor guy who's sipping his beer and looking at them with wide eyes. "I'm sorry, my friend's just--"
"No need for that here," the guy says, clapping Chris on the shoulder. "You're among friends. He's your boyfriend, and you two are obviously very in love, so I'm just gonna..." he trails off, quickly turning around and heading off into the crowd.
"Why does this keep happening?" Darren asks, dropping his head to Chris's shoulder and wrapping his arms around Chris's waist.
"Probably because you keep molesting me while telling people that I'm an inspiration and you're lucky to know me and sometimes you think sexual things about my lips," Chris says, pointedly removing Darren's hand from his waist.
"Well sometimes I do," Darren says, shrugging. "Ooh, look at him," he says, nudging Chris's shoulder and glancing at the very tall, very broad, and very hot guy heading toward them. Chris is tempted to just tell Darren to go away and let him handle this, but then Very Hot Guy sits down at the stool next to them and before he can say anything, Darren's angled his body towards him and is giving the Very Hot Guy his best flirty smile.
"Hi," he says, holding out his hand. "I'm Darren, and this attractive fellow to my left is Chris."
"Jason," Very Hot Guy says, and Chris has got to stop calling him Very Hot Guy now before he actually says it out loud. "Nice to meet you," he says, shaking Darren's hand and smiling at Chris over Darren's shoulder.
"You're very tall," Darren says. "Chris loves tall guys." Chris very covertly grinds his heel down on Darren's foot, but he is seemingly undeterred.
"Is that right?" Jason says, giving Chris a once over. "And what about you?" he asks, turning back to Darren. "What do you like?"
"Oh, I like everything," Darren says brightly, "but mostly I like Chris. He is an inspirational human being, did you know that?" Chris grinds his heel on top of Darren's foot again. He's starting to realize why Darren's been having so much trouble, if this is how he's approaching guys.
"I did not," Jason says, looking a little confused. "But that's... awesome, I guess?"
"It sure is," Darren says. "He's incredible. Almost too incredible. Practically too much for one guy to handle, you know what I mean?"
"Oh, I think I do," Jason says slowly, smirking at them both. Chris cringes once he realizes what Jason thinks.
"That's, ah, not what he meant," he says, trying to save them all the awkwardness.
"Of course that's what he meant. Your boyfriend is very cute but he's not very subtle."
"He's not my boyfriend," Chris mumbles, reaching for his drink.
"Hey, that's cool with me. I don't really do commitment, you know? I'm more into fun. I think we could all have a lot of fun." Jason's practically leering at this point.
"Oh," Darren says suddenly, looking at Chris with wide eyes. "Oh."
"Yeah," Chris says, rolling his eyes and standing up. "Come on, you are officially fired. Let's go before you end up talking us into an orgy."
"So that's a no, then?" Jason calls after them as Chris hauls Darren back toward the stairs.
"I'll take one for the team if you want to go for it," Darren says, giving Chris an up-and-down. "I could do worse."
"Please shut up," Chris says desperately. "Please."
-
"We should just go home," Chris says mournfully, poking at the melting ice in his rum and diet coke. "I'm pretty sure all the hot guys have paired up already for the night."
"No way, quitter, there's tons of hot guys left. What about him? In the grey hoodie?"
Chris squints. "Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought or that guy looks exactly like Cory. No way."
"Oh, weird, he totally does. Does Cory usually go to gay bars?" Darren's leaning away from the bar to try and get a better look and Chris grabs his sleeve when Darren's stool tilts back too far, almost sending him crashing to the ground.
Darren looks at Chris with big, sad eyes. "You just saved my life and I still haven't found you a man. Shit, no, I can do this. Let's go get you some ass, I have this great plan where--"
Chris holds his fingers up to Darren's mouth, frowning. "No. No more plans. You hide behind me while I do the talking and pick up the man. And if you say anything about my eyes, I swear to god, I will--"
"Hottie at six o'clock, go get him, tiger!" Darren says pushing at Chris's shoulders until he turns around.
"What? What's six o'clock? What are you even--"
"In the vest," Darren says. "He's, like, where the hands on a clock would point if it was six, it's-- do you not know how clocks work?"
"Oh, I have that vest!" Chris says. "I got it at Target."
"There you go, instant conversation starter, now let's get you laid!"
"No," Chris says, turning back around to glare at him. "I will get me laid. You will stand behind me and say nothing."
"Fine," Darren says. "Let's see how good you do."
"Let's see how well I do," Chris corrects mindlessly, already sizing up the guy leaning against the bar. He's handsome, a little taller than Chris is with really great hair, and the vest is really doing him some favors.
"Nice vest," Chris says, sliding in against the bar and giving the guy his best smile.
"Thanks!" the guy says happily. "I got it at Target, but don't tell anyone. People get weirdly judgy when I tell them that."
"I know the feeling," Chris says, raising an eyebrow. "I mean, why pay $300 for something when you get it for $30 at Target?"
"Exactly!" Vest Guy says, turning toward Chris and grinning. "I'm Nick."
"Chris," he says, holding out his hand. Nick has nice hands. "So, what do you do when you're bargain hunting at the Tar-jeh?"
"I'm a yoga instructor," he says. "What about you?"
"Oh, I do a little bit of everything," Chris says, trying to laugh it off. Nick doesn't seem to recognize him, so he doesn't want to ruin it or make things awkward.
"A man of mystery, huh?" Nick says, leaning in closer to Chris and resting a hand on his arm. Chris has totally got this on lockdown. Or at least he thinks he does, until he notices that Nick keeps glancing over Chris's shoulder and furrowing his eyebrows, and it takes Chris a second to remember that Darren's still lurking creepily behind him. "And what does your... friend? What does your friend do?"
"Ruins my life, mostly," Chris says airily, laughing. "He was just leaving. Weren't you, Darren?"
"Totally just leaving," Darren says, bouncing on the balls of his feet. "Yoga instructor," Darren whispers into his ear. "I'll give you $100 if you manage to make a downward facing dog joke when you fuck him."
"Go away," Chris hisses. Darren raises his eyebrows exaggeratedly at him, and Chris lets out a relieved breath as Darren turns and starts to walk away.
"Wait!" Nick says suddenly. "Wait, I have to ask, or it's going to drive me crazy. Do I know you somewhere?" he asks, looking Darren up and down. Chris's eyes narrow.
"Oh, yeah, um, Glee," Darren says, rubbing at the back of his head and completely ruining Chris's cover.
"No, that's not it, I don't watch that show," Nick says, waving his hand. Chris is torn between grateful and offended. "I'm, like, 90% sure I've seen you in porn."
"What," Chris yelps out before he can help himself. "No. No. You did not see him in porn, I promise."
"No, no, I swear I did," Nick says. "It's the eyes."
"There's no way," Chris says. "I would know if he did porn." He glares at Darren, who is just standing there shuffling awkwardly and not telling Nick how wrong he-- "Oh my god, tell me you did not do porn," Chris says.
"It wasn't really porn," Darren says.
"That's it!" Nick says, clapping his hands excitedly. "You were in those tickle videos! That's it! Man, you have no idea how many times I've--"
"Oh my god," Chris says, interrupting him before he can get that mental image and grinning delightedly at Darren. "You did porn. You did tickle porn."
"I can't believe it, how random is this?" Nick asks, staring intently at Darren. "You know, you were always my favorite. Any chance you'd be up for a... private performance?"
"Don't do it," Chris says quickly. "There's no way it won't end up online, you can't trust a guy who jerks off to tickling videos."
"Don't knock it until you've tried it," Nick says with a shrug. "Charlie Chuckles was a big deal for a while, before they took all his videos down."
"Charlie... Charlie Chuckles," Chris says breathlessly, trying his best not to start giggling. "Of course. Of course I'm getting cockblocked by someone who called himself Charlie Chuckles and did tickling porn."
"It wasn't really porn, again, it was just vaguely homoerotic tickling," Darren insists.
"That guys jerked off to," Chris says. "Is there any chance you remember the name of those videos? Or a website? Nothing's ever really gone on the internet, and I know lots of people who would love to see them," he says, giving Nick his most charming smile.
"Don't answer that!" Darren says quickly, his eyes going almost comically wide. "Chris you wouldn't."
"Wouldn't I?" Chris asks, grinning at Darren. He wouldn't, but Darren doesn't need to know that. The look of utter fear on Darren's face almost makes up for the fact that he's not getting laid tonight. He could probably still work something out with Nick, but there's no way he's sleeping with someone who jerks off to tickling.
-
When Chris wakes up the next morning, he has a weird moment where he's sure he somehow fell asleep with his Chewbacca backpack on. Then Chewie starts snoring, and Chris goans and throws an elbow back, catching Darren in the ribs. Darren yelps and jumps up, looking wildly around the room for a second before he seems to realize where he is and slumps back down on the bed.
"Why are you in my bed?" Chris asks, rubbing at his eyes.
"Because we made love," Darren yawns, and Chris finds himself yawning back. "It was beautiful."
"We did not, or else I would have woken up feeling horribly ashamed of myself," Chris says, letting his head flop back down onto his pillow.
"Fine, I didn't want to drive home and your guestroom was lonely," Darren says, snuggling back under the covers and nuzzling his face against Chris's shoulder.
"Don't cuddle me when we're both in our underwear," Chris groans, swatting at his head. "You really need to learn what the boundaries of friendship are."
"A true friendship has no boundaries," Darren says, cuddling closer.
"You're only getting away with this because I'm still tired," Chris says, yanking some of the covers away from Darren. "And when I wake back up you're taking me to IHOP and buying me 'Sorry my weird tickle porn cockblocked you' pancakes."
"Only if you let me spoon you again," Darren says, and Chris can feel his stupid smirk where his lips are pressed against Chris's arm. "I like being the big spoon."
"Wait until I fall back asleep, and promise we never have to talk about it," Chris mumbles sleepily. He really wants those pancakes.
-
"If I get you breakfast every day, can I move in?" Darren asks, stealing another strawberry from Chris's strawberry pancakes and sucking his fingers into his mouth loudly. "I make a mean piece of toast."
"I'm sure you do," Chris says, swatting at Darren's hand when he tries to steal more food despite having a half-full plate of his own food in front of him. "But no, no way. I know Joey's going on tour soon and you just don't want to be stuck home alone. I will not be your replacement Joey. You'll be fine on your own, just don't iron anything."
Darren huffs. "You wouldn't be my replacement Joey, you're way too judgmental and clean for that. I'm just a social creature. I need people to talk to."
"And cuddle? And tickle?" Chris asks, smiling around his piece of bacon. He hid the bacon in a napkin in his lap after the first time Darren tried to steal a piece.
"Fuck you, cuddling is an essential part of human relationships. And I'm not even talking to you about tickling right now," Darren says, and they both look up when their waiter clears his throat a second later.
"Is there anything else I can get you?" he asks slowly, and Chris shakes his head as Darren gives the waiter a flirty smile and says no thank you.
"Stop that," Chris hisses.
Darren raises his eyebrows, poking at his eggs. "What? Being polite?"
"Flirting with everything that has a pulse," Chris says. "We really need to get you laid, so you'll stop trying to become my live-in cuddle buddy. It's not healthy. It's like emotional transference or something."
"That's ridiculous," Darren says, reaching out and taking his hand. "I just really like spending time with you, and your bed is very comfortable, and you look really fucking cute when you wake up in the morning."
"This is what I'm talking about," Chris says, patting Darren's hand and then pulling his own away. "These are not thoughts you have about your friends. These are thoughts you have about your girlfriend, or friend with benefits, or one night stand, if you're so inclined."
"You're being very narrow-minded," Darren says, completely missing the point and plucking another strawberry off of Chris's plate. "Besides, I still haven't found you a guy."
"That's okay," Chris says, taking a bite of bacon. "I don't need to find out you did, like, clown porn in the past or something."
"Hey," Darren says, patting his hair self-consciously. "I never did clown porn. Although one time I did dress up as a clown and-- oof. Mmmtankyu," he says, smiling happily around the piece of bacon Chris just shoved in his mouth. It was really good bacon, too, but the sacrifice is worth it. There are some things he really does not need to know.
Darren waits until he's done chewing and fixes Chris with a considering look. "So we're finding me a lady this time."
"We can only hope," Chris says, arching an eyebrow when Darren reaches across the table to swipe his thumb over the corner of Chris's mouth and then drawing his hand back, sucking his thumb into his mouth. "Seriously?"
"What? You had some strawberry right here." Darren sticks his tongue out to show Chris where.
"You really need to get laid," Chris says, and their waiter is clearing his throat again, holding the check.
"Um--"
"I'll pay for this one, honey," Darren says, winking at Chris and taking the check from the waiter. Chris kicks him under the table.
Link to part 2
Author: skintightsocks
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Chris & Darren friendship, Chris/OMC, Darren/OFC
Word Count: 11,500+
Summary: "We were supposed to get each other laid, and now all you want to do is watch Rom-Coms and cuddle on my couch." AKA: Chris and Darren decide to be each other's wingmen, and it doesn't go well.
Spoilers: None
Warnings: None
Author Notes: Title is from the song of the same name by Paul Simon. We can never say no to fic about bros, so this... just kind of happened. Thanks to preromantics, elenlilta, and as always inovertime for looking over this for us at various stages!
"Watching you strike out is one of the greatest joys in my life," Chris says, clapping a little when Darren comes slinking back over to the couch Chris is sitting on, sipping his drink.
"I didn't strike out," Darren says, grabbing his beer. "She's gay."
"I know she's gay, that's why I was so delighted when you set your sights on her," Chris says, patting his shoulder. "It's so weird how your gaydar malfunctions when it comes to lesbians."
"She could have been bi," Darren says, slumping down on the sofa. "You don't know."
"Oh, I know," Chris says. He doesn't, but he definitely knows more than Darren. Of this he is sure.
"Stop being so fucking cocky," Darren pouts, elbowing him. "Picking up girls is totally different from picking up guys. It's an entirely different skill set."
"It cannot be that hard," Chris says, rolling his eyes. "Besides, I'm charming, everyone loves me. I could pick up a girl if I wanted."
"I'll give you a hundred dollars and pay our tab if you can pick up a girl in this bar," Darren says, his face lighting up. "I swear it."
"Any girl?" Chris asks, quirking an eyebrow.
"No, I get to pick," Darren says, immediately going over to the rail of the VIP area and staring down at the crowd. "Her," he says immediately, pointing to a leggy redhead.
"Nope," Chris says, grinning as he sees the blond Darren struck out with heading over to her.
"Why not, you can't just fucking veto all my-- how do you do that?" Darren asks, breaking off as the blond kisses the redhead in a way that is decidedly more than friendly.
"Talent," Chris says with a shrug, spotting a tiny brunette sipping a beer at the end of the bar. "I pick her," he says, pointing.
"Deal," Darren says, jumping in place a little. "This is going to be hilarious."
Chris just rolls his eyes and hands Darren his drink, heading down the stairs and making his way through the crowd and over to the bar. He slides onto the stool next to the girl and holds out his hand.
"Hi," he says with his best charming smile. "I'm Chris."
"Leslie," she says, quirking an eyebrow at him and holding out her hand. "But aren't you--"
"A wonderful conversation partner who's buying your next drink?" Chris says with a grin. "Yes, yes I am."
-
"How," Darren hisses at him the minute Leslie heads down the stairs to get her purse from the coat check. "How did you do that?"
"I'm charming, I've told you before," Chris says, grinning. Darren looks so absolutely baffled that Chris is tempted to let Darren in on his plan, but then again, his confusion is just so funny.
"Ready!" Leslie says, sliding up beside Chris and reaching up on her tip-toes to kiss him on the cheek. Darren gapes.
"Excellent," Chris says, squeezing at her waist. "I told Leslie all about that 24-hour tapas place you love," Chris says, guiding her forward toward Darren and trying not to laugh when his eyes go wide. "She's dying to check it out."
"She is-- you are?" Darren asks, looking at Leslie where she's grabbed onto his arm.
"I am," Leslie says with a laugh. "I have to admit, I don't usually go for guys who send a wingman, but I don't think Chris would steer me wrong."
"He would not," Darren says, catching on, a giant grin spreading over his face. "He's very honorable, that Chris."
"Have fun!" Chris says, pushing gently on Darren's shoulder until he starts to walk. "Remember, try the gambas! You'll thank me!"
-
Chris's phone buzzes a few hours later while he's going over revision notes on his bed, and he grins to himself as he reaches for it, knowing exactly who it is.
I don't know if I should thank you or refuse to pay up, Darren texts.
First of all, I paid our tab so you've already gone back on your word, and second, you never said who I was picking her up for. Chris sends back.
Guess I'm thanking you then, Darren says a minute or two later. Did not see that coming.
What did you think I was going to do, go pick up some poor girl & then say "whoops I'm gay! Sorry about that, thanks for making me $100." You know I'm classier than that. Chris sends, rolling his eyes.
That's why you get all the ladies ;), Darren texts back, and Chris laughs, rolling his eyes and putting his phone back on the nightstand so he can get back to his computer.
-
Darren walks into the choir room the next day, looking way too smug for someone wearing neon orange pants with a pink polo shirt.
"Good morning!" he says, taking his seat next to Chris and grinning widely.
"You got laid," Lea says, swiveling around in her chair. "You totally got laid."
"I totally did get laid," Darren says happily, holding his hand up to Lea for a high five.
"You're welcome, by the way," Chris says pointedly.
"Wait, what?" Lea says, her eyes going wide. "Did you two do it?"
"Shit, who had this week in the pool?" Mark asks, patting his pockets and pulling out his phone.
"Gross, Lea," Chris says. "We did not have sex, I just picked up a girl for him after he failed miserably at doing it himself."
"Gross?" Darren asks, looking genuinely hurt. "Really, Christopher?"
"Since when do you guys have a pool?" Chris asks, ignoring Darren in favor of glaring at Mark.
"It wasn't my idea, I'm just the record holder," Mark says, holding up his hands. "But if you ever want to help me out, I have all of December bought out because people make bad decisions around the holidays."
"Whose idea was it?" Chris asks, looking at Lea to see if she makes her guilty face and narrowing his eyes when she looks away innocently. He pulls out his phone to text Ashley, since she always knows everything even though she's hardly on set anymore.
"What are the rules?" Darren asks. "Does it have to be full out sex or do blowjobs count?"
"No," Chris says, not bothering to look up from his phone. "Shut up right now or I will never be your wingman again."
Did you know there's a pool going about me and Darren hooking up? Chris sends to Ashley. It takes 30 seconds, at the most, for him to get a response.
duh, I started it with lea. you lost me so much money by keeping it in your pants, prude
Chris rolls his eyes at the screen and then looks up, glaring at Lea. He knew she had something to do with this.
"Why does Darren even need a wingman?" Lea asks, ignoring Chris's glare in favor of smiling sweetly at Mark and not-so-subtly moving behind him. Like Mark could stop him if he really wanted to go after her. "I watch him flirt all the time, he's super good at it."
"He has no follow through," Chris says. "He can't seal the deal. Hit a home run. Get the turkey in the oven."
"First of all, yes I can, and secondly who the fuck says 'get the turkey in the oven,' Chris? Seriously?"
"I don't know, you say weird stuff all the time. I figured it could be a possibility."
"I can so seal the deal," Darren says, crossing his arms and pouting a little. "I can hit the home run and put like ten turkeys in the oven, okay."
"Okay, I see your point, never say that again," Chris says, patting him on the knee.
-
"What do you want," Chris hisses sleepily into his phone a few nights later when Darren's self-assigned ringtone wakes him up. Now he's going to have Sexy Back in his head when he gets up.
"You were right," Darren says, his voice slurred and miserable. "I can't get the turkey in the oven, Chris."
"What?" Chris asks, blinking up at his ceiling.
"It's just sitting there. On the counter. It could be so hot, and all golden brown and shit, but it's just sitting there raw. No one gets to orgasm when the turkey is raw."
"Wow," Chris says. "Why are you calling me? Go wake up Joey."
"Joey's not here," Darren says sadly. "Joey's probably got a turkey in the oven as we speak."
"I thought we agreed we'd stop using the turkey metaphor," Chris yawns. "I'm sorry you struck out. It was totally her loss. You are virile and sexy and should go to sleep and leave me alone."
"I'm virile?" Darren asks, sounding disproportionately happy. "Fuck yeah, I'm so virile."
"That's right," Chris says patiently, "now go to bed."
"Virily," Darren says. "I'm going to bed virily."
"Verily," Chris says, giggling a little at himself and then hanging up before Darren can say anything else.
-
Chris is just stumbling out of bed the next morning when there's a knock at his door. And then the doorbell rings. And then Darren shouts, "Wake up and let me in." Chris considers ignoring him, but there's the off-chance he can get Darren to make him breakfast and Darren makes pretty great eggs.
"What?" he asks when he opens the door.
"I'm here to proposition you," Darren says, pushing past him. He's still in sweatpants and his hair is going in five different directions and he's got on the biggest sunglasses Chris has ever seen, but he's carrying coffee and donuts, so Chris figures he can humor Darren if he gets food out of it.
"Give me my donuts before you say whatever it is you're going to say," Chris says. Darren smiles at him and hands over the box, and Chris collapses onto his sofa, yawning so loud that his jaw cracks. Darren slumps down beside him and hands over the coffee before opening the box and grabbing a powdered donut.
"You're going to get sugar all over my couch," Chris says, but to be honest he's more concerned with the chocolate covered jelly he sees at the back of the box. Darren, the asshole, waits until he's got a giant mouthful of delicious raspberry jelly and he knows Chris can't respond to start talking.
"So, I want you to be my wingman," Darren says.
"Fwuck ew," Chris says around a mouthful of donut.
"It's rude to talk with food in your mouth," Darren says. "Are you doing this on dates? That's probably why you're not getting laid."
"Fuck. You," Chris enunciates sweetly once he's swallowed. "Why would I help you get laid when I'm not getting laid?"
"That's the beauty of it," Darren says, toeing off his shoes and putting his feet on Chris's coffee table, ignoring Chris's glare. "While you're picking up girls for me, I'll be picking up guys for you."
"And what makes you think you can pick up guys any better than you can pick up girls?" Chris asks, rolling his eyes. Darren gestures at himself while smiling smugly.
"Oh please, you can't get guys just because you're hot," Chris says.
"No, I can get them because I'm hot, and charming, and I give off a vibe that--"
"Makes people think you're super gay and super slutty?" Chris asks.
"Makes people want to get to know me," Darren says, ignoring him. "It's why I made out with so many guys in college, I inspire trust. I'm very open."
"That's what the guys said," Chris mumbles into his donut.
"See? So crass, too," Darren says, gesturing with his donut and flinging powdered sugar everywhere. "You need me."
"I need you to get out of my house," Chris groans.
"Say you'll do it, and I'll go," Darren says, grinning widely at him.
"Will you go and leave the donuts?" Chris asks. There's a eclair at the bottom that is calling his name.
"Can I grab that eclair first?" Darren asks hopefully.
"No," Chris says, grabbing the box and clutching it to his chest. "Don't touch my eclair."
"If you'd let me touch your eclair I wouldn't have to find you a man," Darren says, smirking at him.
"Yeah, and I'm the one who's crass," Chris says, possibly undermining his point by shoving as much of the eclair into his mouth as he can and then handing the very end to Darren.
"Gwah," Chris says, pointing to the door, wincing a little when cream filling dribbles out the corner of his mouth.
"I should just take a picture of this and show it to the guys I'm picking up for you," Darren says, popping the tiny bite of eclair into his mouth and grabbing his shoes before heading for the door.
Chris considers getting in a parting shot but he's still got a mouthful of donut, so he settles for flipping Darren off instead, rolling his eyes when Darren blows him an exaggerated kiss on his way out the door.
-
"So here's the plan," Darren says a few days later when their schedules finally line up enough to attempt what Chris has been mentally been calling Darren's Worst Idea Ever, which says a lot because Darren once thought he could make friends with a mangy stray cat and nearly got rabies. "Are you listening at all?"
"Not really, no," Chris says, fussing with his hair in the lighted passenger side mirror.
"Well start, this is important for you, because you're going first," Darren says.
"Oh god," Chris says, bracing himself.
"I mean, technically you already hooked me up, so I owe you one, right? Now tell me what kind of dudes you're into."
"The kind who can't be picked up by you," Chris says, smiling sweetly at him.
"Tell me, or I'm going to find that one guy who reminds you of your drunk uncle, and you know I can do it because there's one of those guys at every fucking gay bar." He's right. There totally is.
"You know, it's kind of sad that you've spent so much more time in gay bars than me," Chris says, sighing. "But fine. You know my type. Tallish, not too skinny but not too muscular, pretty eyes, big--"
"I don't know if I can find out how big a dude's dick is. I'm good, but I'm not that good."
"Hands," Chris snaps. "I was going to say big hands."
"Okay, what else?" Darren asks. "You know, personality wise. Is there any kind of vibe you go for? Boy next door? Tall, dark, and handsome?"
"You played too much Mystery Date as a kid, didn't you?" Chris asks.
"I was awesome at that game," Darren says proudly. "Now answer me."
"I don't know," Chris says, shrugging. "I guess I like my guys kind of... adventurous? Maybe a little dangerous, but in a sexy way, not a serial killer way."
"Dude, no," Darren says, his eyes going wide. "Chris, no, trust me, you do not want to go looking for 'adventurous' guys. That is how you end up with a fist in your ass."
"Please don't tell me," Chris says desperately. "Do not tell me."
"Not me," Darren says quickly. "A friend."
"Just like it was your 'friend' who ended up tied to a table in women's underwear that time?" Chris asks. That's the kind of story you never forget. Chris knows, because he's tried.
"No, I'm being serious this time," Darren says, pulling into the parking lot of the club. "It really did happen to a friend of mine, not me. The most I've ever had in my ass was--"
"Okay," Chris says. "Okay, that's enough. Let's do this before I lose my nerve."
"Speaking of asses, though, a nice ass is a requirement, right?" Darren asks, a smirk playing at his lips when he adds, "I've seen you looking."
"Only because Lea and I are trying to gather data to see how often you wear underwear when you're not in costume," Chris says with a shrug. "Speaking of, last Tuesday--"
"Commando," Darren says with a happy smile, pulling into a parking space. "Now come on, Colfer. Let's get you laid."
-
Apparently, getting him laid mostly involves Darren talking animatedly to guy after guy while Chris sips his drink on the balcony. As far as Chris can tell, he's striking out pretty righteously, most of the guys just smiling awkwardly or clapping him on the shoulder and then walking away. Chris wants to gloat, but mostly he wants to get laid and he's pretty sure he could do better without Darren's help.
He's just about to go pull Darren away from the seemingly baffled tall guy in glasses when the tall guy puts his hand on Darren's shoulder and leads him away from the bar. Huh. Maybe Darren wasn't overestimating his skills after all. Chris shrugs and arranges himself artfully on the nearest couch, just in case Darren actually brings the guy back. He was pretty cute, from what Chris could see.
It takes Darren exactly two songs to show back up, and Chris nearly chokes on his drink when he gets a look at him. Darren's rumpled, his hair sticking out in different directions and his shirt half untucked, and Chris just raises an eyebrow at him and waits.
"I think he may have gotten the wrong idea," Darren says sheepishly. "At first people just kept congratulating me for being so in love with you--"
Chris snorts. "Darren, what did you say?"
"Just the usual stuff. Funny, smart, handsome, eyes you could lose yourself in, how you're the kind of guy you want to settle down with somewhere and raise dogs or possibly babies--"
"Oh god," Chris says, slumping back onto the couch. "What is wrong with you."
"But anyway, that guy seemed really interested and I was taking him up here but then he kind of detoured us and pressed me against a speaker. I still can't really hear out of my right ear."
"So you just let him make out with you?" Chris asks, rolling his eyes.
"It seemed kind of rude not to, since he had already started and everything," Darren says with a shrug. "Besides, I liked the song that was playing and I stopped him before he got to second base."
"Well of course," Chris says. "It's good to have boundaries. God, how on earth did you end up hooking up while trying to hook me up? This is hopeless."
"It is not," Darren says, grabbing Chris's wrist and tugging him up off the sofa. "Because I have a new strategy. Now come with me."
"No," Chris says, trying to dig his heels in. "No, first you tell me the plan. The whole plan. You leave nothing out."
"I'll buy you another drink if you just go with me," Darren says, smiling imploringly at him.
"Ugh, fine," Chris says, draining the last of his and setting the empty glass down. "Stop smiling at me like that, people are going to think you're my boyfriend again."
-
People still think Darren's his boyfriend. Darren's bright idea had been to take Chris with him ("You know, show off the merchandise," he had said with a wink) which was an entire new level of humiliation that Chris had no idea existed.
"And look at those eyes," Darren said, throwing his arm up around Chris's shoulder. "Couldn't you just stare into them for hours?"
"I hate you," Chris hisses, before turning to the poor guy who's sipping his beer and looking at them with wide eyes. "I'm sorry, my friend's just--"
"No need for that here," the guy says, clapping Chris on the shoulder. "You're among friends. He's your boyfriend, and you two are obviously very in love, so I'm just gonna..." he trails off, quickly turning around and heading off into the crowd.
"Why does this keep happening?" Darren asks, dropping his head to Chris's shoulder and wrapping his arms around Chris's waist.
"Probably because you keep molesting me while telling people that I'm an inspiration and you're lucky to know me and sometimes you think sexual things about my lips," Chris says, pointedly removing Darren's hand from his waist.
"Well sometimes I do," Darren says, shrugging. "Ooh, look at him," he says, nudging Chris's shoulder and glancing at the very tall, very broad, and very hot guy heading toward them. Chris is tempted to just tell Darren to go away and let him handle this, but then Very Hot Guy sits down at the stool next to them and before he can say anything, Darren's angled his body towards him and is giving the Very Hot Guy his best flirty smile.
"Hi," he says, holding out his hand. "I'm Darren, and this attractive fellow to my left is Chris."
"Jason," Very Hot Guy says, and Chris has got to stop calling him Very Hot Guy now before he actually says it out loud. "Nice to meet you," he says, shaking Darren's hand and smiling at Chris over Darren's shoulder.
"You're very tall," Darren says. "Chris loves tall guys." Chris very covertly grinds his heel down on Darren's foot, but he is seemingly undeterred.
"Is that right?" Jason says, giving Chris a once over. "And what about you?" he asks, turning back to Darren. "What do you like?"
"Oh, I like everything," Darren says brightly, "but mostly I like Chris. He is an inspirational human being, did you know that?" Chris grinds his heel on top of Darren's foot again. He's starting to realize why Darren's been having so much trouble, if this is how he's approaching guys.
"I did not," Jason says, looking a little confused. "But that's... awesome, I guess?"
"It sure is," Darren says. "He's incredible. Almost too incredible. Practically too much for one guy to handle, you know what I mean?"
"Oh, I think I do," Jason says slowly, smirking at them both. Chris cringes once he realizes what Jason thinks.
"That's, ah, not what he meant," he says, trying to save them all the awkwardness.
"Of course that's what he meant. Your boyfriend is very cute but he's not very subtle."
"He's not my boyfriend," Chris mumbles, reaching for his drink.
"Hey, that's cool with me. I don't really do commitment, you know? I'm more into fun. I think we could all have a lot of fun." Jason's practically leering at this point.
"Oh," Darren says suddenly, looking at Chris with wide eyes. "Oh."
"Yeah," Chris says, rolling his eyes and standing up. "Come on, you are officially fired. Let's go before you end up talking us into an orgy."
"So that's a no, then?" Jason calls after them as Chris hauls Darren back toward the stairs.
"I'll take one for the team if you want to go for it," Darren says, giving Chris an up-and-down. "I could do worse."
"Please shut up," Chris says desperately. "Please."
-
"We should just go home," Chris says mournfully, poking at the melting ice in his rum and diet coke. "I'm pretty sure all the hot guys have paired up already for the night."
"No way, quitter, there's tons of hot guys left. What about him? In the grey hoodie?"
Chris squints. "Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought or that guy looks exactly like Cory. No way."
"Oh, weird, he totally does. Does Cory usually go to gay bars?" Darren's leaning away from the bar to try and get a better look and Chris grabs his sleeve when Darren's stool tilts back too far, almost sending him crashing to the ground.
Darren looks at Chris with big, sad eyes. "You just saved my life and I still haven't found you a man. Shit, no, I can do this. Let's go get you some ass, I have this great plan where--"
Chris holds his fingers up to Darren's mouth, frowning. "No. No more plans. You hide behind me while I do the talking and pick up the man. And if you say anything about my eyes, I swear to god, I will--"
"Hottie at six o'clock, go get him, tiger!" Darren says pushing at Chris's shoulders until he turns around.
"What? What's six o'clock? What are you even--"
"In the vest," Darren says. "He's, like, where the hands on a clock would point if it was six, it's-- do you not know how clocks work?"
"Oh, I have that vest!" Chris says. "I got it at Target."
"There you go, instant conversation starter, now let's get you laid!"
"No," Chris says, turning back around to glare at him. "I will get me laid. You will stand behind me and say nothing."
"Fine," Darren says. "Let's see how good you do."
"Let's see how well I do," Chris corrects mindlessly, already sizing up the guy leaning against the bar. He's handsome, a little taller than Chris is with really great hair, and the vest is really doing him some favors.
"Nice vest," Chris says, sliding in against the bar and giving the guy his best smile.
"Thanks!" the guy says happily. "I got it at Target, but don't tell anyone. People get weirdly judgy when I tell them that."
"I know the feeling," Chris says, raising an eyebrow. "I mean, why pay $300 for something when you get it for $30 at Target?"
"Exactly!" Vest Guy says, turning toward Chris and grinning. "I'm Nick."
"Chris," he says, holding out his hand. Nick has nice hands. "So, what do you do when you're bargain hunting at the Tar-jeh?"
"I'm a yoga instructor," he says. "What about you?"
"Oh, I do a little bit of everything," Chris says, trying to laugh it off. Nick doesn't seem to recognize him, so he doesn't want to ruin it or make things awkward.
"A man of mystery, huh?" Nick says, leaning in closer to Chris and resting a hand on his arm. Chris has totally got this on lockdown. Or at least he thinks he does, until he notices that Nick keeps glancing over Chris's shoulder and furrowing his eyebrows, and it takes Chris a second to remember that Darren's still lurking creepily behind him. "And what does your... friend? What does your friend do?"
"Ruins my life, mostly," Chris says airily, laughing. "He was just leaving. Weren't you, Darren?"
"Totally just leaving," Darren says, bouncing on the balls of his feet. "Yoga instructor," Darren whispers into his ear. "I'll give you $100 if you manage to make a downward facing dog joke when you fuck him."
"Go away," Chris hisses. Darren raises his eyebrows exaggeratedly at him, and Chris lets out a relieved breath as Darren turns and starts to walk away.
"Wait!" Nick says suddenly. "Wait, I have to ask, or it's going to drive me crazy. Do I know you somewhere?" he asks, looking Darren up and down. Chris's eyes narrow.
"Oh, yeah, um, Glee," Darren says, rubbing at the back of his head and completely ruining Chris's cover.
"No, that's not it, I don't watch that show," Nick says, waving his hand. Chris is torn between grateful and offended. "I'm, like, 90% sure I've seen you in porn."
"What," Chris yelps out before he can help himself. "No. No. You did not see him in porn, I promise."
"No, no, I swear I did," Nick says. "It's the eyes."
"There's no way," Chris says. "I would know if he did porn." He glares at Darren, who is just standing there shuffling awkwardly and not telling Nick how wrong he-- "Oh my god, tell me you did not do porn," Chris says.
"It wasn't really porn," Darren says.
"That's it!" Nick says, clapping his hands excitedly. "You were in those tickle videos! That's it! Man, you have no idea how many times I've--"
"Oh my god," Chris says, interrupting him before he can get that mental image and grinning delightedly at Darren. "You did porn. You did tickle porn."
"I can't believe it, how random is this?" Nick asks, staring intently at Darren. "You know, you were always my favorite. Any chance you'd be up for a... private performance?"
"Don't do it," Chris says quickly. "There's no way it won't end up online, you can't trust a guy who jerks off to tickling videos."
"Don't knock it until you've tried it," Nick says with a shrug. "Charlie Chuckles was a big deal for a while, before they took all his videos down."
"Charlie... Charlie Chuckles," Chris says breathlessly, trying his best not to start giggling. "Of course. Of course I'm getting cockblocked by someone who called himself Charlie Chuckles and did tickling porn."
"It wasn't really porn, again, it was just vaguely homoerotic tickling," Darren insists.
"That guys jerked off to," Chris says. "Is there any chance you remember the name of those videos? Or a website? Nothing's ever really gone on the internet, and I know lots of people who would love to see them," he says, giving Nick his most charming smile.
"Don't answer that!" Darren says quickly, his eyes going almost comically wide. "Chris you wouldn't."
"Wouldn't I?" Chris asks, grinning at Darren. He wouldn't, but Darren doesn't need to know that. The look of utter fear on Darren's face almost makes up for the fact that he's not getting laid tonight. He could probably still work something out with Nick, but there's no way he's sleeping with someone who jerks off to tickling.
-
When Chris wakes up the next morning, he has a weird moment where he's sure he somehow fell asleep with his Chewbacca backpack on. Then Chewie starts snoring, and Chris goans and throws an elbow back, catching Darren in the ribs. Darren yelps and jumps up, looking wildly around the room for a second before he seems to realize where he is and slumps back down on the bed.
"Why are you in my bed?" Chris asks, rubbing at his eyes.
"Because we made love," Darren yawns, and Chris finds himself yawning back. "It was beautiful."
"We did not, or else I would have woken up feeling horribly ashamed of myself," Chris says, letting his head flop back down onto his pillow.
"Fine, I didn't want to drive home and your guestroom was lonely," Darren says, snuggling back under the covers and nuzzling his face against Chris's shoulder.
"Don't cuddle me when we're both in our underwear," Chris groans, swatting at his head. "You really need to learn what the boundaries of friendship are."
"A true friendship has no boundaries," Darren says, cuddling closer.
"You're only getting away with this because I'm still tired," Chris says, yanking some of the covers away from Darren. "And when I wake back up you're taking me to IHOP and buying me 'Sorry my weird tickle porn cockblocked you' pancakes."
"Only if you let me spoon you again," Darren says, and Chris can feel his stupid smirk where his lips are pressed against Chris's arm. "I like being the big spoon."
"Wait until I fall back asleep, and promise we never have to talk about it," Chris mumbles sleepily. He really wants those pancakes.
-
"If I get you breakfast every day, can I move in?" Darren asks, stealing another strawberry from Chris's strawberry pancakes and sucking his fingers into his mouth loudly. "I make a mean piece of toast."
"I'm sure you do," Chris says, swatting at Darren's hand when he tries to steal more food despite having a half-full plate of his own food in front of him. "But no, no way. I know Joey's going on tour soon and you just don't want to be stuck home alone. I will not be your replacement Joey. You'll be fine on your own, just don't iron anything."
Darren huffs. "You wouldn't be my replacement Joey, you're way too judgmental and clean for that. I'm just a social creature. I need people to talk to."
"And cuddle? And tickle?" Chris asks, smiling around his piece of bacon. He hid the bacon in a napkin in his lap after the first time Darren tried to steal a piece.
"Fuck you, cuddling is an essential part of human relationships. And I'm not even talking to you about tickling right now," Darren says, and they both look up when their waiter clears his throat a second later.
"Is there anything else I can get you?" he asks slowly, and Chris shakes his head as Darren gives the waiter a flirty smile and says no thank you.
"Stop that," Chris hisses.
Darren raises his eyebrows, poking at his eggs. "What? Being polite?"
"Flirting with everything that has a pulse," Chris says. "We really need to get you laid, so you'll stop trying to become my live-in cuddle buddy. It's not healthy. It's like emotional transference or something."
"That's ridiculous," Darren says, reaching out and taking his hand. "I just really like spending time with you, and your bed is very comfortable, and you look really fucking cute when you wake up in the morning."
"This is what I'm talking about," Chris says, patting Darren's hand and then pulling his own away. "These are not thoughts you have about your friends. These are thoughts you have about your girlfriend, or friend with benefits, or one night stand, if you're so inclined."
"You're being very narrow-minded," Darren says, completely missing the point and plucking another strawberry off of Chris's plate. "Besides, I still haven't found you a guy."
"That's okay," Chris says, taking a bite of bacon. "I don't need to find out you did, like, clown porn in the past or something."
"Hey," Darren says, patting his hair self-consciously. "I never did clown porn. Although one time I did dress up as a clown and-- oof. Mmmtankyu," he says, smiling happily around the piece of bacon Chris just shoved in his mouth. It was really good bacon, too, but the sacrifice is worth it. There are some things he really does not need to know.
Darren waits until he's done chewing and fixes Chris with a considering look. "So we're finding me a lady this time."
"We can only hope," Chris says, arching an eyebrow when Darren reaches across the table to swipe his thumb over the corner of Chris's mouth and then drawing his hand back, sucking his thumb into his mouth. "Seriously?"
"What? You had some strawberry right here." Darren sticks his tongue out to show Chris where.
"You really need to get laid," Chris says, and their waiter is clearing his throat again, holding the check.
"Um--"
"I'll pay for this one, honey," Darren says, winking at Chris and taking the check from the waiter. Chris kicks him under the table.
Link to part 2