Through Sickness and Health, Part 1

[skipturnstep]

Title: Through Sickness and Health, part 1
Pairing: Kyuhyun/Donghae
Author: Skipturnstep
Rating: R (for language)
Genre: Romance
Words: 4100
Summary: Flashbacks of the ups and downs of Kyuhyun and Donghae's relationship, told in five parts.

Donghae remembers meeting Kyuhyun for the first time. Kyuhyun was maybe, sixteen at the time? No, probably more like seventeen. It was definitely during training sometime. Donghae met him on his first day, and the poor thing was terrified beyond his wits, although he didn’t show it. Although he was two years younger than Donghae, Kyuhyun towered over him like a giraffe next to a zebra. Even through the stoic façade the younger put up, Donghae could still see the pain and fear in his eyes, the uncertainty and loneliness building up and he remembered that he, too, was in this boy’s position at one time.

So when he was told to watch over Kyuhyun and make sure he was on the right path, Donghae promised never to let the boy out of his sight.

“Kyuhyun may be too much for you to handle, Donghae,” He was told. “He is very mature for his age, but don’t let that fool you. He feels emotions in extremes and he’s got quite the mouth on him. I don’t want his intensity to cause you to back off and thus affect his training.”
“I wouldn’t,” Donghae said, glancing at Kyuhyun, who stood a ways off down the hall. “I was him at one point; completely alone. I can’t let him suffer like I did.”

__________
The idea of spending a large majority of their time together proved to be more of a task for Kyuhyun than Donghae. Kyuhyun was very mild-tempered in comparison to Donghae, who always was a ball of spunk, bouncing off the walls like a child with candy. He never once complained, though; he always greeted Donghae with excitement and never got angry at him. They were polar opposites, and yet Kyuhyun’s north attracted Donghae’s south like a magnet.

Even still, they were rarely apart during the day. If Donghae went to practice, Kyuhyun would join. They spent hours together in the practice room, teaching each other new singing techniques and memorizing each others’ singing voices. It was almost immediately that Donghae realized that Kyuhyun was clearly the professional here; his voice nearly brought Donghae to involuntary tears, even though he was only singing A Whole New World. It was the kind of voice that you didn’t hear every day - or ever, in Donghae’s case - strong, yet gentle, and extremely soothing. The kind of voice you would want to sing you lullabies. The kind of voice that gets stuck and your head and just will not leave, no matter how many times you push and pull and hem and haw to get it out.

Secretly, though, Donghae didn’t mind his voice being in his head.

__________
Donghae remembers the first time he saw Kyuhyun cry.

It was on a Thursday morning. It had been pouring outside that day; he remembered specifically because Kyuhyun had been soaking wet. His shirt stuck to his body as if held by glue, the skin underneath showing through. His jeans were splattered with mud and his shoes were in the corner of the room, on top of a heating vent. Unfortunately, Kyuhyun didn’t realize that the heat was off.

His head was hung, his hair hanging in his face, obstructing the view of his eyes. A soaked sheet of music was clutched in his hand as his whole body trembled like a falling leaf. Donghae waited several minutes before speaking, worried that if he spoke, the words may crack the younger man completely.

“Kyuhyun...?” It was barely above a whisper, but Donghae knew he was heard by the way Kyuhyun shivered. “What’s wrong?”
He remembered the way Kyuhyun sniffled, a nervous chuckle escaping his lips. He inhaled deeply, mentally preparing himself.
“I sang for my father for the first time today.” The words came out as if it were a joke, a hint of humor hanging off the words. Donghae didn’t know what this meant, so he smiled.
“That’s great!” Kyuhyun let out one laugh, a simple hah; clearly not the right answer.
“Yeah, great,” Kyuhyun smiled as he looked up at Donghae; his eyes were glassy, wetness pooling at their edges. His breath shook as he exhaled. “He laughed at me. Laughed in my face. Told me, ‘you’re a disgrace, Kyuhyun! I spent so much money on you, sending you to the best schools in Seoul, hoping you’d become an educator, or a doctor. A singer? An educator’s son can’t sing!’” The tears fell down his face in streams, his entire body trembling. Donghae’s breath hitched in his throat as he searched for words to say, but they failed him. “All I ever wanted was to make my father proud. That’s it. That’s all I’ve ever asked for - I’ve prayed every night from the time I was a child until now.”
“Kyuhyun-”
“Why am I such a failure?” Kyuhyun was at the breaking point, sobs trailing his sentence. He dropped the sheet of music to the floor as his hands moved to cover his face. Donghae stood there, helpless; there were no words to say that could comfort him, nothing he could do to take the pain from him, and it bothered Donghae more than he could find a reason for. Seeing Kyuhyun cry was one of the single most dreadful things Donghae had ever witnessed, to the point where he could feel sobs crawling into his own throat. He could hear chattering outside the practice room -- oh my god, is someone dying? -- and quickly locked the door before making his way to the younger. Without thinking, he pulled Kyuhyun into his arms -- which appeared rather awkward, if you take into account Kyuhyun's two inch height advantage -- and rubbed the younger's back, whispering soothing words in hopes to make him stop.

He remembers repeating "you're not a failure, Kyuhyun" like a mantra, humming the words into the youngers ear, words that only seemed to make him cry harder. He knew there was nothing that could be said to take the pain away, not really -- but he hoped his words made some sort of difference, although Kyuhyun never told him whether they had or not.

__________
Donghae remembers the day Kyuhyun came out to him.

The way his shoulders trembled with fear, the way his voice shook uncontrollably as he tried to explain. The fact that his face was redder than a fresh tomato, the way his eyes seemed to look everywhere but at Donghae, the way he kept scratching the back of his head as if there was an itch that would not subside. Donghae could practically feel Kyuhyun's heartbeat, the way it slammed in his chest and the way the massive lump in his throat seemed to block off his airways like he was choking. Donghae had just asked a simple question, something normal friends normally ask one another at some point in time, and this was the reaction?

"Well, there really isn't anyone I like, I guess," Kyuhyun's words seemed to spill out in a jumbled mess, falling over one another. Donghae almost wanted to offer him a piece of gum but he knew that would be stupid. He was surprised at how flustered the young man was getting; this was a side of Kyuhyun that nobody in the company had ever, ever witnessed, and most people probably would never witness it. "I--I mean, Sooyoung did ask me to be her boyfriend, but--!"
"When?!" Donghae clutched the younger's shoulders, shaking him. "How?! What did you say?!"
"I said no, jesus!" Kyuhyun ducked under Donghae's arm and brushed off his shoulders, giving him a look that screamed what the fuck is your problem? "It happened this morning, when I was gathering my music. She just flat out said, oppa, please be my boyfriend! And I said no. Why are you shaking?"

Donghae looked down at his fingers and he indeed was shaking, and rather violently. He brushed the fact off with a hand, mumbling something about how it doesn't matter, don't worry about it. "Why did you say no?"
"Does it matter?" Donghae shrugged; yes, it really did matter, thank you very much. "It's because I don't like girls, hyung."

Donghae's heart flipped, his stomach lurched and his brain short-circuited. He had never pinned Kyuhyun as being gay, the though had never crossed his mind and there were never any signs. Kyuhyun immediately groaned.

"Please don't get that idea," He put a hand on Donghae's shoulder. "I really don't like you like that, hyung, honestly, so if that's what you're thinking--!"
"No!" Donghae grinned at the younger. "That's not it at all, I was just...I'm shocked. I never pinned you as being...into men." Apparently, this answer was exactly the right one; Kyuhyun burst into laughter and wrapped his arms around Donghae, pulling him into a bear hug that nearly suffocated him.

He remembers that as being the beginning of everything.

__________
Donghae remembers the first time they got drunk together.

Donghae doesn't remember exactly how they got the alcohol, considering neither of them were of drinking age yet. Most likely it was from one of their parents' liquor cabinets that they had raided on a whim -- yes, that sounds right, considering Donghae's debut with Super Junior 05 was fast approaching and Kyuhyun had voted on having one last hurrah; not to mention Donghae had just turned nineteen a few days prior.

It started at the topmost observation deck of the N. Seoul Tower -- no, the one below it -- where they met around nightfall. Donghae remembers being surprised at how excited Kyuhyun was; smiling like a child in a candy store and clutching his messenger bag to his side like it was a holy parcel delivered right from the hands of God.
"Happy birthday!" Kyuhyun cried, wrapping an arm around his friend's shoulder, his breath smelling like mint gum and apple pie. "You're still one year away from being the legal drinking age, how's it make you feel?"
"Like you're an asshole," Kyuhyun laughed in a way that made the blood rush to Donghae's face and his lips spread into an infectious grin. Kyuhyun took his bag and opened it, showing Donghae what was inside -- a large, unopened bottle of Jinro soju, with a large yellow bow and a little gift tag that simply said Donghae. His grin widened as he looked up at Kyuhyun, whose face held a devious smirk that made Donghae shiver. "How the hell did you get this?"
"My parents don't lock up their alcohol," Kyuhyun looked around quickly to make sure no one heard him. "And Ah-ra said she'd take the blame for me since I took the hit for her breaking my mom's favorite vase."
"I could kiss you right now."

They made their way down from the tower, each taking a swig from the bottle every few minutes when they thought nobody was looking, and by the time they had gotten almost out of Namsan park, they needed each other for support. Their trek towards Myeong-dong somehow hilarious, although neither could really explain why; even just looking at each other, arm in arm, almost falling every few feet caused them to burst into ridiculous fits of laughter.

Looking back on it, Donghae was surprised they didn't get arrested for public disturbance, and then underage drinking on top of it.

But that didn't happen. No, everything was perfect then -- they were with each other, they were happy, Donghae was just about to debut, Kyuhyun was almost done with training, and the world was, for the first time that either of them could remember, actually at peace.

And right there, in the middle of Myeong-dong, one of the most populated areas of Seoul, Kyuhyun reached for Donghae's face and pulled him into a kiss; one that nearly sent them both toppling to the ground. They could hear the gasps and the chatter, but that didn't matter; no, not when Kyuhyun and his ever-inviting lips where involved.

But suddenly they were gone, and Donghae felt himself be yanked. Kyuhyun had a hold of his wrist and was pulling him along -- and that was when he could hear the cops yelling after them. A wave of fear washed over him; he was going to be arrested, charged with underage drinking, his father would be so disappointed -- but then Kyuhyun laughed. He laughed as he dragged Donghae along, back towards Namsan and suddenly, being arrested didn't matter. He had Kyuhyun with him, so what, really, could go wrong?

Namsan was practically deserted at this point, only a few couples could be seen straggling along. It was probably nearing 10:30 for all Donghae knew, but time didn't matter tonight. They slowed their pace down to a slow walk, knowing that the police had stopped following them at the entrance of the park, maybe even sooner than that. But Kyuhyun didn't let go of Donghae, he simply slid his grip from Donghae's wrist and laced their fingers together. There were not enough people here to stare -- they were more likely to be completely ignored at this point, and either way Donghae didn't care. What others thought at this point really didn't matter in his eyes, all he was focusing on was keeping Kyuhyun's fingers locked with his for as long as he could.

They walked all the way home like this; hand in hand, not caring who saw them or what they said, and not a word was spoken between them. Occasionally, Kyuhyun would lean over and kiss Donghae on the cheek, or playfully blow hair out of his face, or attempt to trip him, all of which brought a gasp from Donghae; but an actual conversation didn't exist during that walk. But it didn't really matter, for there wasn't really anything to say anyway. They finally let go of each others' hands when they reached the dorm building, but that didn't stop Donghae from bringing Kyuhyun to his room and shoving him into bed. It was nothing sexual or anything even remotely close to it; they simply laid in Donghae's twin-size bed, pressed up against each other and stared at the ceiling. Donghae focused on Kyuhyun's breathing, the sounds of his inhales and exhales, and the feeling of his fingers sliding slowly up and down Donghae's arm.

But he knew this wouldn't last; even in his drunken, love sick stupor, he knew it. Kyuhyun never showed affection this way, and it was just the alcohol taking over combined with the excitement of the coming weeks. He wasn't even sure if he felt this way for Kyuhyun, either, or if he had simply taken one too many a swig of soju.

__________
Donghae knew he wasn't gay. There was absolutely no way in hell he ever could be gay --
Okay, that wasn't exactly true. He couldn't exactly pinpoint what he was; he knew he liked girls -- he really liked girls. He couldn't imagine not liking girls, it seemed almost blasphemous. But there was definitely something...some sort of warmth in his chest that he got whenever Kyuhyun was involved. Whenever he saw him, whenever he talked about him, whenever others spoke of him, something in Donghae's chest burned in a way he had never felt before. Kyuhyun was definitely a curveball to Donghae's A-game, and there was no denying the fact that it hit him right in the face. Soon, his every thought circled around Kyuhyun, every dream he dreamed had Kyuhyun in it, and practically every sentence he spoke mentioned him. What was worse, though, was that Super Junior 05 had literally just debuted. Why was it now that he decides to get all spacey and weird?

"You haven't been acting yourself lately," Eunhyuk said one afternoon at a local cafe. Donghae, who had been staring out the window and lost in his own mind, looked over to his friend, confused. "See? Like that. You're off."
"How the fuck am I 'off,' Hyukjae?"
"Just look at yourself, man," Eunhyuk took a sip of his drink, rolling his eyes. "Every time we have a interview, you're just sitting there like a fucking martian lost in space. You're late on responses. You practically float along your day to day life. You've got this...this air about you that just oozes out of you like fucking radiation. So you need to tell me what your problem is."
Donghae laughed. "I don't have a problem--!"
"Don't pull that shit on me, Donghae. I see the way you stare at Kyuhyun."

Donghae froze immediately, and Eunhyuk tried to hide his grin by taking another sip, although that attempt was pointless. Donghae took a small sip of his own coffee and burned the roof of his mouth, which gave him reason enough not to answer.
"So what is it about him? I've never seen you take an interest in a guy before," Eunhyuk took a bite out of his strawberry cheesecake and waited for an answer that Donghae wasn't sure he was ready to give.
"I don't really know. He's actually kind of an asshole, if you really think about it. But he's nice to me. And he kissed me while we were drunk, maybe that has something to do with it." Eunhyuk stared at him as if he were crazy, but that was okay. He knew he pretty much was at this point.
"When the hell were you drunk?"
"It doesn't matter," Donghae took another sip of his coffee and tried to avoid Eunhyuk's stare. "Like two weeks ago."
"That sounds about right, actually," Eunhyuk played with his fork, stabbing it repeatedly into his cake. "It was about since then that you've been moaning in the middle of the night."
Donghae remembers staring at him, heat flooding to his face as Eunhyuk nearly choked on cheesecake in laughter.
"I really don't know, Hyukjae," Donghae stared into his coffee, swirling the foam around with his spoon. "I just can't get him off my mind. He's all I ever think about. All I dream about. It's really stupid shit, too. Like, earlier today, I was like, hey, I wonder what Kyuhyun's doing for dinner tonight. Or last night, I was like, hey, I wonder if Kyuhyun's awake right now playing games. Or those really weird times when I'm just like, hey, I wonder if Kyuhyun's thinking about me. It's fucking weird, man. I feel like I'm a sixteen year old girl." Eunhyuk sighed and shoved the crust of his cheesecake into his mouth.
"I'm pretty sure you're okay," He said before swallowing. "I mean, you're not wondering if he's masturbating to you, right?" Donghae looked into his coffee, his face turning an even deeper shade of pink, and Eunhyuk just stared. "...Dude."

__________
Donghae remembers meeting Kyuhyun's ex-girlfriend for the first time.

They had been out to lunch, having just come back from seeing a movie together and Kyuhyun offerred to pay, which was weird. The whole day was weird, now that he recalls -- it had been abnormally warm and sunny for an early December day, Kyuhyun was strangely lacking in the snark department, and something just didn't seem right. It wasn't particularly a bad feeling; no, more of an off-beat, bizarre mood that had struck. They decided on pizza, since it was cheap, Kyuhyun was low on cash, and there was a restaurant near by.

Kyuhyun spent the first twenty minutes in the restaurant -- between standing in line, ordering, paying and beginning his meal -- complaining about the movie. "I mean, that scene where he -- hi, yeah, I'll have two slices of cheese -- you know, the one right after he grabbed her and -- wait, what did you want? -- He grabbed her and kissed her? That had absolutely nothing to do with the movie, you know? There was no point in even including that scene. I really did not need to see them slobbering all over each other." Donghae nodded, occasionally throwing in a "yeah, I know" or an "mhm" to appease his friend, but didn't really feel like listening to the entire movie they had just seen relayed back to him.

He knew who she was as soon as she walked up to the table. You didn't need an explanation when Kyuhyun practically choked on his pizza and started panicking. She was really pretty -- really pretty -- with long wavy hair and a super short skirt with stupid white tights and stupid pink heels. Donghae had an irrational urge to hit her.

"S-S-So-hee!" Kyuhyun was practically crying at this point, the look on his face clearly reading oh god, please kill me. Donghae took a long sip of his soda and sat back; this was not a conversation he wanted to be involved with.
"Oh my god, look at you! I haven't seen you in so long, how are you?" Her voice was like honey sliding off a spoon to most men, but to Donghae, it was like scraping a fork down a chalkboard. He started shoveling his pizza in his mouth as he sat back and waited for their conversation to be over, cringing whenever she called Kyuhyun jagiya. The obvious discomfort in Kyuhyun's voice shone through the entire conversation, although clearly So-hee didn't notice, or else she would have scampered off after the first ten minutes. Donghae liked to play with the idea that she was too stupid to catch a hint. "Who's your friend? He's so cute! He looks familiar..."
"I'm nobody," Donghae said, looking out the window, knowing that if he looked at her he would probably scream.
"You're gonna have to excuse him," Kyuhyun said, his voice wavering in panic. "My friend's not feeling too well." And their conversation continued with comments like how's training, I miss you, let's get together soon, and the like. Donghae saw a pretty blonde tourist out the window and decided to watch her; anything was better than having to listen to this conversation.
"I can't wait to see you again, sweetheart," So-hee pinched Kyuhyun's cheek and grinned; Donghae could feel the vomit rising in his throat. As she turned around and ran back to her gaggle of friends, Donghae sighed.
"How the hell did you date that?"
"She was normal at one point," Kyuhyun tried to hide the fact that his face was flushed but it didn't work.
"Is she the one who...turned you gay?" Kyuhyun laughed as he shoved a leftover piece of pizza crust into his mouth.
"I went gay because I thought boys were cuter," He said, ruffling Donghae's hair. "She's the only girl I ever dated, though, if that's what you're wondering. And the last."
"She keeps looking at you still," Donghae said, his eye on the giggling girls in the corner. He plotted each girls' demise in his mind, a small smile creeping its way onto his lips. "You should go back out with her." Kyuhyun made a face, causing Donghae to burst into laughter. As So-hee and her friends walked by, she slipped a folded up piece of paper towards Kyuhyun and smiled. Donghae made an attempt to lunge at it, but Kyuhyun was too quick and too tall; he easily held the paper out of Donghae's reach.
"Can we please go?" He asked, staring at Donghae with big puppy dog eyes that made Donghae's stomach flip. "I just want to go home and sleep now that I'm full."
"You're lazy."
"Well, you're stupid," Kyuhyun stood up and grabbed their trash, throwing it in the bin behind their booth. He opened the folded up piece of paper and rolled his eyes at the writing inside.
"What's it say?"
"It doesn't matter," Kyuhyun said, crumpling it and tossing it in the bin. Donghae wanted so badly to dive into the bin and snatch it; maybe even try and perform voodoo on it. "She's in the past, I have better things to worry about. Like sleep. Let's go home."

It was this day, he remembers, that Donghae knew something was different. Not just within himself, either, but within the two of them. As true as it was that neither of them ever mentioned kissing in Myeong-dong, or holding hands while walking home, or falling asleep next to each other, they both knew that something was growing between them. Donghae didn't know whether this should excite him or terrify him, but decided it wasn't good to worry about things he couldn't control.

end of part 1.

go to part 2