Through Sickness and Health, Part 3
Title: Through Sickness and Health, Part 3
Pairing: Kyuhyun/Donghae
Author: Skipturnstep
Rating: R (for language)
Genre: Romance
Words: 4,424
Summary: Flashbacks of the ups and downs of Kyuhyun and Donghae's relationship, told in five parts.
Part 1 Part 2
WARNING! Spoilers under the cut.
SPOILERS: There is implied Qmi in this part.
Also, I made up for the lack of words last time in this one :3
___________
Donghae remembers the first time they had sex.
Maybe that’s not the right way to put it; “having sex” seems too casual, as if it were a one-night stand or an occasional fling. They weren’t total strangers who met one night at a bar, nor were they co-workers whose only connections were the physical interactions they had in the copy room; no, it was deeper than that. You couldn’t label it that easily.
It happened on a freezing January day, Donghae remembers because he had to walk around in a jacket to keep warm, even with the heat on. With the holiday season over, Kyuhyun and Donghae had a lot less alone time now that everyone was home and they all had variety shows, fan meets and interviews to attend as a group. But this particular day - January 16th, maybe? - all of the other members had schedules that day, leaving the two to spend their time together however they wanted.
Donghae remembers waking up at eight-thirty in the morning to the sound of the door slamming shut, and he immediately rolled out of bed and checked every room in the dorm; to his delight, he and Kyuhyun were left completely alone. He remembers going into the kitchen and pouring himself a bowl of cereal just as Kyuhyun dragged himself down the hall.
“Good morning, Sleeping Beauty,” Donghae smiled at the younger, who simply waved him off with a hand. “Do you want some Lucky Charms?” Kyuhyun grimaced, instead going into the fridge and pulling out some leftover Chinese food. “Eating leftover spare ribs this early in the morning isn’t good for your acne, you know.” Donghae remembers laughing when Kyuhyun flipped him off.
Donghae remembers how, after breakfast, Kyuhyun began acting differently than normal. It wasn’t a very noticeable change - at least, not to Donghae - but it was evident if you looked hard enough; in fact, it was such a small change that it took an upwards of twenty minutes for Donghae to even pinpoint exactly what was different about him.
“Is there a reason you’ve been rubbing my thigh for the past twenty minutes?”
Kyuhyun pulled his eyes from the television and stared at Donghae, then down to the hand resting on the older man’s thigh.
“Um...no, there’s not. Does it bother you? I can stop.”
“No,” Donghae smiled, his face flushing ten shades of pink. “You just...don’t normally touch me. Ever.” He remembers how Kyuhyun smiled at this, how he leaned over and moved his hair and whispered in Donghae’s ear, but he can’t remember exactly what he said.
What he does remember is Kyuhyun standing up and grabbing him by the collar of his shirt, how he was dragged down the hall and pushed onto his bed. He remembers Kyuhyun straddling him, remembers how he leaned forward and pressed soft kisses on Donghae’s neck, and he remembers how he suddenly felt extremely insecure. He remembers the way those kisses turned into the scraping of teeth against his skin, and he can still to this day feel the shivers run up his spine.
He does not remember their clothes coming off, but he does remember staring at Kyuhyun’s exposed form longer than he probably should have. He remembers the way the younger man’s fingertips grazed his body, barely whispering over his skin. He remembers the chills that surged through his body as the younger man’s lips brushed against his collar bone, and the way Kyuhyun’s body would tremble depending on the way Donghae breathed.
He does not remember being turned over, but he remembers quite clearly the intense pain that followed; a pain so raw and overpowering that tears immediately flooded his eyes, but he remembers not minding it at all. He remembers how Kyuhyun repeatedly asked if he was okay, and he remembers thinking that he had never been more okay in his entire life. He remembers how every movement Kyuhyun made caused him to moan involuntarily, how white spots danced in his vision and his thoughts suddenly seemed like they were in a foreign language. He remembers how Kyuhyun’s breathing steadily became more labored and shallow, his grip on Donghae’s hips becoming tighter with every movement, and how he would look at the crescent-shaped ridges in his skin later on that night and get chills.
He remembers being in the laundry room a few hours later, having Heechul tell him there was no need to be washing his sheets considering he just did it two days ago, and did he realize that there was a very nasty looking bruise on his neck. He also remembers the look Heechul gave him when he smiled and said he had gotten into a nasty argument with his flat-iron and lost.
__________
“So you mean to tell me that you guys have already fucked, and yet you don’t know whether or not you guys are an item?”
Donghae took an exaggerated sip from his smoothie, avoiding Eunhyuk’s gaze as if looking at him would give him the plague. It was conversations like this that made Donghae avoid going out to lunch with him.
Eunhyuk sighed and swirled his straw around his strawberry milkshake; being Donghae’s personal relationship consultant wasn’t exactly his number one career choice.
“You can’t avoid the subject forever. You need to ask him.”
“Oh yeah, I’ll just go up to him and be like, ‘hey, Kyuhyun, are we a couple? Am I allowed to call you my boyfriend, or is that crossing the line?’”
“It’s better than dealing with the embarrassment of calling him your boyfriend one day and him being convinced you were never anything more than fuck buddies.”
Donghae sighed, knowing he was right but refusing to accept it.
Donghae had to be honest to himself - the real problem was that he was scared. He wanted to be able to address Kyuhyun with familiarity, wanted to be able to call him cute things like sweetheart, baby, and all those cheesy, disgusting pet names that you wouldn’t even want to address your children with. He wanted to be able to go to get together with friends and be able to say, everyone, this is my boyfriend, Cho Kyuhyun. It was the chance that Kyuhyun might laugh in his face, that he might deny that there was any romantic attraction and it was simply just something to occupy time that terrified him, because he knew that it would tear him to pieces.
“Does anyone else know about this?”
“Heechul might know,” Eunhyuk nodded as he chugged half of his milkshake. “I had a hickey on my neck and he saw it, but I blamed it on my flat iron.”
“You never flat-iron your hair.”
Donghae nodded; he probably should have thought of that fact beforehand.
“I want you to call him,” Eunhyuk said as he finished off his drink. “Right now. In front of me.”
“Why?”
“So that way I know you’ll actually do it.”
Instead of arguing, Donghae pulled out his phone and quickly dialed Kyuhyun’s number. Donghae remembers wanting to puke.
“Hello?”
“Uh, hey, Kyu, it’s Donghae.”
“I know,” Kyuhyun’s voice said on the other end of the line. “Cell phones have caller ID.”
“Oh...yeah.”
“You okay?” Kyuhyun asked in monotone; Donghae could hear intense music and the words ‘READY FOR BATTLE!,’ most likely coming from Kyuhyun’s laptop.
“Um...yeah, I just...wanted to ask you something.” Donghae began swirling his straw around, nervously mixing the whipped cream and the thick purple smoothie together. Eunhyuk’s stare wasn’t calming him down any.
“Okay, shoot.”
“...Are we...are we a couple?” Donghae suddenly felt like there was something blocking his air passage, and no matter how many times he swallowed, he still felt like he wasn’t obtaining enough oxygen. The music on the other end of the line silenced, which surprised him. Kyuhyun never paused Starcraft for anyone.
“Well...I mean, yeah, that’s what I was considering us.”
“So I would call you...my boyfriend?” Donghae hesitated; the idea still seemed entirely alien to him.
Kyuhyun chuckled. “Well, yeah, isn’t that what people call the guy they’re dating?” Donghae smiled, and he felt as if he had just drank an entire gallon of hot chocolate. “Is that all you needed?”
“Mhm. Sorry if I interrupted an intense battle or anything.”
“Don’t worry about it. I’ll see you when you get home.”
Donghae remembers being so ecstatic that he had to hold onto Eunhyuk’s arm all the way back to the dorm, in fear that he might float away.
__________
Things between Donghae and Kyuhyun were great.
Actually, Donghae can’t remember a time when things were better - there was no arguing, no bickering, absolutely no tension, not just between he and Kyuhyun but between anyone. Things were, overall, relatively boring, although there was a sinking feeling in the pit of Donghae’s stomach that seemed to warn him, seemed to say this is just the calm before the storm.
He remembers wanting to slap Heechul for waking him up before eight o’clock that morning, because he knew for a fact that they didn’t have schedules that day. It was just a boring April morning; there was nothing worth waking up for. He remembers wanting to slap him more when he wouldn’t stop pushing on his shoulder, insisting he get up. Instead, he rolled over, showing Heechul his back.
“There’s been an accident, Donghae.”
Donghae remembers rolling over at Heechul, who stared at him with this look that terrified him beyond reason, and he didn’t know why. He looked like he hadn’t slept in about four days; his eyes were puffy and his skin that had a grey pallor that resembled a corpse.
“The van, on the way back from SuKiRa...well, the driver lost control of the car, and...”
Donghae remembers feeling like he had been punched in the throat. There was no need for Heechul to finish his sentence; no, he could tell what he was hinting at just by the tone of his voice.
“How bad is Kyuhyun?”
“Completely unconscious. He’s at the hospital right now. They said he’s covered in scratches, his hip is fractured and he might have some rib problems...he can’t even breathe on his own.”
Donghae didn’t even realize he was sobbing until Heechul grabbed him, holding him close. There was no way this was happening, not again - losing his father was hard enough as it was, but if Kyuhyun didn’t make it, he didn’t know how he was going to go on. He hadn’t realized it before, but the snarky maknae had somehow wormed his way into Donghae’s heart and had made quite the imprint. The thought of not having Kyuhyun in his life was unimaginable. He remembers Heechul scolding him, telling him hyperventilating was not going to make the situation any more tolerable, but there was no way for Donghae to even imagine breathing correctly. Quite frankly, he didn’t really care if he fainted; being unconscious would be infinitely better than the terrifying feeling that lurked in his stomach. He remembers acknowledging that this was much worse than losing his father, because when his father passed, it was definite; there were no maybes and no false hopes. With Kyuhyun, everything was in the air at this point, although Donghae knew the chances were slim to none, and that fact alone hurt more than anything.
He remembers aching to go to the hospital, pleading with Heechul to let him go, saying he needed to see Kyuhyun just one last time, just in case this was the end. Heechul, however, refused to let him anywhere near that hospital, and although he protested, Donghae understood why - the image of Kyuhyun, bruised, broken and everything but destroyed, was not the last image Donghae would want to remember if Kyuhyun didn’t make it out alive.
Donghae remembers telling Heechul that he was going to wait. He would not eat, he would not sleep, he would not leave that dorm until he was certain of Kyuhyun’s fate; whether their fairy tale had a happy ending, or if it was meant to end by way of Romeo and Juliet. He would sit, unmoving, by the phone, praying to a God he hoped was listening.
__________
Donghae remembers it being the fourth day when they got the call.
He remembers because he was not the one to answer like he had hoped; after four endless days and three sleepless nights of jumping at every ring, Eunhyuk, still recovering from his own wounds, convinced Donghae that perhaps he should take a bath, because baths are known to be relaxing in stressful situations such as this.
He remembers how Ryeowook knocked on the bathroom door, not waiting for a reply before entering, the phone in his hands. He remembers attempting to leap out of the bathtub, tears already threatening to form behind his eyes, but he remembers the younger man holding up a hand and taking a seat on the toilet.
“Ah-ra - you know, Kyuhyun’s sister - just called; he got out of surgery last night. He isn’t conscious yet, but he’s begun breathing on his own. She said he is doing infinitely better.”
Donghae didn’t need any more confirmation; he leaped out of the tub (and remembers traumatizing Ryeowook) and nearly slipped as he raced into his room and quickly got dressed. He remembers deciding that there was no way he was going to tolerate the inner-city traffic; that instead, he would simply walk to the hospital, because twelve blocks is not that far.
By the time he reached the hospital, he could fear the lump in his throat threatening to block off his airway, although he couldn’t decide whether he was ecstatic over Kyuhyun’s slight recovery, or terrified of the fact that he was in a hospital, or both. After asking the receptionist his room number, he raced toward the nearest elevator, ignoring all the staff members who reprimanded him for running.
He remembers the shock of seeing a young woman in Kyuhyun’s room, sitting next to an unconscious Kyuhyun, holding his hand gingerly but he quickly realized who it was. She smiled when she saw him.
“You must be Donghae,” She held stood up and bowed. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”
“You must be the one who broke the rose vase.”
He remembers thinking her laugh was pretty. Hell, all of her was pretty - her hair was black and swirly, she dressed very classy, and was a spitting image of Kyuhyun.
“Yes, I’m not surprised my brother told you that story,” He remembers the way she looked over to the unconscious figure in the hospital bed and smiled. “He’s quite stubborn, this one; I’m not surprised at how hard he’s fighting.”
Donghae remembers staring at Kyuhyun and wanting to cry; his face was bruised, his neck was scratched and his breathing was very shallow, and it scared Donghae when he realized that this was an improvement of what he had been before.
Ah-ra noticed his concern and patted his shoulder. “My brother is a fighter. He’s going to be fine. And anyway, I know you’ll take good care of him.”
__________
Donghae remembers Kyuhyun's recovery.
He remembers because he had slept in the hospital almost every night in the chair he pushed next to Kyuhyun’s bed - he had desperately wanted to crawl into bed with him, but knew if he did that he was at risk of injuring him further, and that was something he couldn’t live with - so he resorted to the armchair, which gave Donghae a wretched pain in his lower neck. It was the first time he had slept in ninety-six hours, which was a record he wasn’t particularly proud of, but even still it wasn’t a sound sleep. He remembers waking up every night around the same time -- 3:14 AM -- when it was still dark in the hospital room, save for the moonlight streaming in from the window. He remembers attempting to pull himself into a comfortable position, and then another, and yet another, but no matter how he sat, his neck still continued to scream.
He remembers how Kyuhyun writhed in pain once he finally woke up; how the doctors and nurses kept saying it was normal, he went through a lot of trauma, there’s nothing we can do, not even morphine can help at this point, which Donghae thought was bullshit. There was no way, no fucking way that it’s normal for someone to be practically screaming in pain - that is, if Kyuhyun could scream. Donghae had tried multiple times to talk to him, to tell him that the pain wasn’t going to be forever, to ask what was hurting most, but Kyuhyun never made a sound.
Regardless, Donghae remembers being there basically every moment unless idol duty called. He remembers how he cried when Kyuhyun finally was able to walk on his own, which he admits is rather embarrassing now that he looks back on it. He remembers being irrationally pleased when Kyuhyun could finally stomach something other than water and saltines, which, again, is embarrassing to admit.
His favorite thing to remember was Kyuhyun’s first sentence after the accident. It was on July 3rd, two days before he was finally allowed to go home, which Donghae remembers because the news was on the radio at the time. It was lunch, which was a delicious meal of refried hospital cafeteria food, which neither of them really wanted to eat. He remembers how Kyuhyun was making a tower out of his turkey sandwich using chips, crackers, pickles and the straw from his milk.
What he said normally wouldn’t have meant much to Donghae, if someone else had spoken them; they were words he heard from people every day, from fans, friends, family. He was no stranger to the words, but for some reason, when spoken by Kyuhyun, it was if they took on a whole different meaning, and brought forth a feeling in Donghae that he wanted to capture in his hands and keep forever.
He fought back the urge to jump up and celebrate,, instead smiling over to the younger man and saying, “I love you too.”
__________
That was the year that Donghae realized that relationships actually require work.
After being around Kyuhyun almost constantly for the past two years - before they were dating included - Donghae began to hone in on little habits that Kyuhyun had that made him want to shove his hand into a blender.
One habit - the only one worth mentioning, since it was the most irritating - was his addiction. It was okay to play video games - Donghae liked doing it occasionally too. But staying up on Starcraft all night, while screaming at the computer like it could comprehend what you were saying, and then bitching about your lack of sleep the next day was not okay.
There was another problem, now that Donghae recalls - another irritating, obnoxious, and outright ludicrous habit Kyuhyun had.
Kyuhyun was never jealous. Yes, that sounds something bizarre to complain about, but it bothered Donghae beyond comprehension. He sometimes tested Kyuhyun, to see what his limits were, but it seemed that the young man had no limits - Donghae would grab Eunhyuk’s arm, and Kyuhyun would laugh. He would wrap his arm around Heechul’s waist, but it didn’t matter because Kyuhyun didn’t care. He would tackle Kibum, kiss Ryeowook on the cheek - whatever he could think of to even attempt to get Kyuhyun jealous, but nothing ever seemed to get through.
Problems were arising, and Donghae could tell just by the fact that the season was changing. He felt something happening in him, almost like his magnetic pull was shifting - instead of being his normal South, he was becoming North, like Kyuhyun - and he was scared that pretty soon, they would be two of the same, and begin to repel instead of attract.
__________
The first problem was Zhou Mi.
It was December when they met; Donghae remembers because he was supposed to go Christmas shopping with Kyuhyun but instead was dragged out to dinner to meet this guy. Their management was in the process of forming subgroups for Super Junior, and one was called Super Junior-M (“We don’t need to sing in Chinese.” “I know, babe, but it’s not like I’m the one calling the shots here.”) and Zhou Mi was going to be their future band mate, thus their dinner-date was born.
Donghae knew as soon as he saw Zhou Mi that he didn’t like him. Maybe it was the four inch height difference. Maybe it was the fact that, even though his nose looked like there was a credit card shoved in the center of his face, this guy was fucking cute, and had incredible style. Or maybe it was the way Kyuhyun attached himself to this guy’s hip like a fucking parasite, calling him Mimi and laughing more than Donghae had seen him laugh in a long time.
While eating their meal, Donghae probably drank four personal-sized bottles of soju, although nobody tried to stop him. To this day he’s surprised he remembered that meal, and to this day he wishes he couldn’t. He didn’t need to see the way Zhou Mi playfully hit Kyuhyun’s arm, the way he grabbed Kyuhyun’s hand, the way Donghae could feel Zhou Mi rub his leg against Kyuhyun’s. But what really bothered him was the fact that Kyuhyun never tried to stop it.
__________
The second problem was Kyuhyun.
Donghae remembers the wall that began to go up around Christmas time - a wall that couldn’t be seen, but could be felt by simply walking into the room with him. He was different; he didn’t hang all over Donghae anymore, didn’t snuggle into him in bed at night and sing him to sleep, didn’t try to hold his hand when they walked and never kissed him unless Donghae was the one to initiate it.
He also started hanging out with Zhou Mi frequently. Frequently as in, every god damn day.
__________
The third problem was within himself.
He knew that Zhou Mi was one of Kyuhyun’s good friends, and Donghae respected it, but there was a point when the words “good friends” no longer fit the situation and it started to become more.
He was never home, it seemed; he was always visiting Zhou Mi, who was staying at a hotel across the city for what seemed like an obnoxious amount of time for seemingly no apparent reason. Whenever Kyuhyun spoke, it was about Zhou Mi; how talented he was, he was so funny, they had so much in common.
But one of the biggest problems was the fact that Donghae simply just didn’t trust Kyuhyun; he just simply assumed that his emotions would wander, and Zhou Mi would be the target. It irked him more than he would like to admit, even today, but nonetheless he never confronted Kyuhyun. He simply let it roll off his shoulders, simply passed it off as his own foolish insecurities, because Kyuhyun wasn’t the type of person to do that.
Was he?
__________
Donghae remembers the night Kyuhyun came home late from Zhou Mi’s.
Donghae’s bed felt outrageously stiff that night, as if someone had put plywood under the sheets, sharp little splinters digging into his vertebrae, and it was abnormally warm for being January. At about one o’clock he attempted to sleep, although thoughts of Kyuhyun’s body pressed against Zhou Mi’s kept him conscious.
It was almost three in the morning, four hours later than he had promised to be back, when
Kyuhyun came home. There was something weird about him, Donghae could tell right away, but wasn’t sure exactly what.
“It’s not cold enough in here to still be wearing your scarf.”
Kyuhyun walked over to the bed and kissed Donghae harsher than usual, holding his wrists to the mattress and prohibiting movement, as if Donghae were going to try and run away. Donghae could feel Kyuhyun’s teeth dig into his lips, could feel the iron grip on his wrists tighten, and it was all he needed to realize. He turned his head, pushed Kyuhyun back, and pulled off his scarf. Kyuhyun’s hands quickly flew up to his neck, but the damage was already done.
“I fucking knew it,” Donghae stood up, and although he was two inches shorter than Kyuhyun, it was apparent who had the upper hand. “I knew there was a fucking reason you’ve been staying there late.”
“It’s not what you think-!”
“Oh, don’t feed me your shit, Cho Kyuhyun!” It took all of Donghae’s strength to not throttle the younger man until he turned blue in the face. “What, were you helping him clean his apartment and you got a vacuum stuck to your neck? Is that it?”
Donghae knew he had won. Kyuhyun began to whimper, his body shaking and tears spilling down his cheeks in streams, and although normally this would have made Donghae crumble, this time around it only pissed him off further. Kyuhyun choked out an apology, his voice trembling and his breathing on the point of hyperventilation, but Donghae didn’t budge.
“I’m done,” He pointed a finger in the younger man’s face. “I’m done with you and your bullshit. I hope you have a nice life with your precious Mimi, because I don’t want to fucking be a part of it anymore.”
__________
Saying Donghae felt stupid was the understatement of the decade.
Absolutely humiliated seemed like a better way to put it. Never in his entire life had he been played like this; no, he was always the player. When he was younger, he relished the fact that he could make girls fall for him so easily just by flashing his signature kicked-puppy face, his crooked grin, whatever it was - he always was fawned over by girls, and as sadistic as it may sound, he enjoyed the fact that he had so much control over their emotions.
So this, this was a massive blow to his ego, one that he wasn’t sure he’d recover from quickly,
if ever. For once, he had actually opened up romantically, had actually let someone in instead of putting up his smooth criminal facade, and it only got him hurt. What a fucking surprise.
“You know what they say,” Eunhyuk said a few days later when they went shopping together. “‘It’s better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all.’"
Donghae remembers thinking that was the stupidest phrase ever invented, and Alfred Lord Tennyson should be punched in the mouth.
end of Part 3.
Pairing: Kyuhyun/Donghae
Author: Skipturnstep
Rating: R (for language)
Genre: Romance
Words: 4,424
Summary: Flashbacks of the ups and downs of Kyuhyun and Donghae's relationship, told in five parts.
Part 1 Part 2
WARNING! Spoilers under the cut.
SPOILERS: There is implied Qmi in this part.
Also, I made up for the lack of words last time in this one :3
___________
Donghae remembers the first time they had sex.
Maybe that’s not the right way to put it; “having sex” seems too casual, as if it were a one-night stand or an occasional fling. They weren’t total strangers who met one night at a bar, nor were they co-workers whose only connections were the physical interactions they had in the copy room; no, it was deeper than that. You couldn’t label it that easily.
It happened on a freezing January day, Donghae remembers because he had to walk around in a jacket to keep warm, even with the heat on. With the holiday season over, Kyuhyun and Donghae had a lot less alone time now that everyone was home and they all had variety shows, fan meets and interviews to attend as a group. But this particular day - January 16th, maybe? - all of the other members had schedules that day, leaving the two to spend their time together however they wanted.
Donghae remembers waking up at eight-thirty in the morning to the sound of the door slamming shut, and he immediately rolled out of bed and checked every room in the dorm; to his delight, he and Kyuhyun were left completely alone. He remembers going into the kitchen and pouring himself a bowl of cereal just as Kyuhyun dragged himself down the hall.
“Good morning, Sleeping Beauty,” Donghae smiled at the younger, who simply waved him off with a hand. “Do you want some Lucky Charms?” Kyuhyun grimaced, instead going into the fridge and pulling out some leftover Chinese food. “Eating leftover spare ribs this early in the morning isn’t good for your acne, you know.” Donghae remembers laughing when Kyuhyun flipped him off.
Donghae remembers how, after breakfast, Kyuhyun began acting differently than normal. It wasn’t a very noticeable change - at least, not to Donghae - but it was evident if you looked hard enough; in fact, it was such a small change that it took an upwards of twenty minutes for Donghae to even pinpoint exactly what was different about him.
“Is there a reason you’ve been rubbing my thigh for the past twenty minutes?”
Kyuhyun pulled his eyes from the television and stared at Donghae, then down to the hand resting on the older man’s thigh.
“Um...no, there’s not. Does it bother you? I can stop.”
“No,” Donghae smiled, his face flushing ten shades of pink. “You just...don’t normally touch me. Ever.” He remembers how Kyuhyun smiled at this, how he leaned over and moved his hair and whispered in Donghae’s ear, but he can’t remember exactly what he said.
What he does remember is Kyuhyun standing up and grabbing him by the collar of his shirt, how he was dragged down the hall and pushed onto his bed. He remembers Kyuhyun straddling him, remembers how he leaned forward and pressed soft kisses on Donghae’s neck, and he remembers how he suddenly felt extremely insecure. He remembers the way those kisses turned into the scraping of teeth against his skin, and he can still to this day feel the shivers run up his spine.
He does not remember their clothes coming off, but he does remember staring at Kyuhyun’s exposed form longer than he probably should have. He remembers the way the younger man’s fingertips grazed his body, barely whispering over his skin. He remembers the chills that surged through his body as the younger man’s lips brushed against his collar bone, and the way Kyuhyun’s body would tremble depending on the way Donghae breathed.
He does not remember being turned over, but he remembers quite clearly the intense pain that followed; a pain so raw and overpowering that tears immediately flooded his eyes, but he remembers not minding it at all. He remembers how Kyuhyun repeatedly asked if he was okay, and he remembers thinking that he had never been more okay in his entire life. He remembers how every movement Kyuhyun made caused him to moan involuntarily, how white spots danced in his vision and his thoughts suddenly seemed like they were in a foreign language. He remembers how Kyuhyun’s breathing steadily became more labored and shallow, his grip on Donghae’s hips becoming tighter with every movement, and how he would look at the crescent-shaped ridges in his skin later on that night and get chills.
He remembers being in the laundry room a few hours later, having Heechul tell him there was no need to be washing his sheets considering he just did it two days ago, and did he realize that there was a very nasty looking bruise on his neck. He also remembers the look Heechul gave him when he smiled and said he had gotten into a nasty argument with his flat-iron and lost.
__________
“So you mean to tell me that you guys have already fucked, and yet you don’t know whether or not you guys are an item?”
Donghae took an exaggerated sip from his smoothie, avoiding Eunhyuk’s gaze as if looking at him would give him the plague. It was conversations like this that made Donghae avoid going out to lunch with him.
Eunhyuk sighed and swirled his straw around his strawberry milkshake; being Donghae’s personal relationship consultant wasn’t exactly his number one career choice.
“You can’t avoid the subject forever. You need to ask him.”
“Oh yeah, I’ll just go up to him and be like, ‘hey, Kyuhyun, are we a couple? Am I allowed to call you my boyfriend, or is that crossing the line?’”
“It’s better than dealing with the embarrassment of calling him your boyfriend one day and him being convinced you were never anything more than fuck buddies.”
Donghae sighed, knowing he was right but refusing to accept it.
Donghae had to be honest to himself - the real problem was that he was scared. He wanted to be able to address Kyuhyun with familiarity, wanted to be able to call him cute things like sweetheart, baby, and all those cheesy, disgusting pet names that you wouldn’t even want to address your children with. He wanted to be able to go to get together with friends and be able to say, everyone, this is my boyfriend, Cho Kyuhyun. It was the chance that Kyuhyun might laugh in his face, that he might deny that there was any romantic attraction and it was simply just something to occupy time that terrified him, because he knew that it would tear him to pieces.
“Does anyone else know about this?”
“Heechul might know,” Eunhyuk nodded as he chugged half of his milkshake. “I had a hickey on my neck and he saw it, but I blamed it on my flat iron.”
“You never flat-iron your hair.”
Donghae nodded; he probably should have thought of that fact beforehand.
“I want you to call him,” Eunhyuk said as he finished off his drink. “Right now. In front of me.”
“Why?”
“So that way I know you’ll actually do it.”
Instead of arguing, Donghae pulled out his phone and quickly dialed Kyuhyun’s number. Donghae remembers wanting to puke.
“Hello?”
“Uh, hey, Kyu, it’s Donghae.”
“I know,” Kyuhyun’s voice said on the other end of the line. “Cell phones have caller ID.”
“Oh...yeah.”
“You okay?” Kyuhyun asked in monotone; Donghae could hear intense music and the words ‘READY FOR BATTLE!,’ most likely coming from Kyuhyun’s laptop.
“Um...yeah, I just...wanted to ask you something.” Donghae began swirling his straw around, nervously mixing the whipped cream and the thick purple smoothie together. Eunhyuk’s stare wasn’t calming him down any.
“Okay, shoot.”
“...Are we...are we a couple?” Donghae suddenly felt like there was something blocking his air passage, and no matter how many times he swallowed, he still felt like he wasn’t obtaining enough oxygen. The music on the other end of the line silenced, which surprised him. Kyuhyun never paused Starcraft for anyone.
“Well...I mean, yeah, that’s what I was considering us.”
“So I would call you...my boyfriend?” Donghae hesitated; the idea still seemed entirely alien to him.
Kyuhyun chuckled. “Well, yeah, isn’t that what people call the guy they’re dating?” Donghae smiled, and he felt as if he had just drank an entire gallon of hot chocolate. “Is that all you needed?”
“Mhm. Sorry if I interrupted an intense battle or anything.”
“Don’t worry about it. I’ll see you when you get home.”
Donghae remembers being so ecstatic that he had to hold onto Eunhyuk’s arm all the way back to the dorm, in fear that he might float away.
__________
Things between Donghae and Kyuhyun were great.
Actually, Donghae can’t remember a time when things were better - there was no arguing, no bickering, absolutely no tension, not just between he and Kyuhyun but between anyone. Things were, overall, relatively boring, although there was a sinking feeling in the pit of Donghae’s stomach that seemed to warn him, seemed to say this is just the calm before the storm.
He remembers wanting to slap Heechul for waking him up before eight o’clock that morning, because he knew for a fact that they didn’t have schedules that day. It was just a boring April morning; there was nothing worth waking up for. He remembers wanting to slap him more when he wouldn’t stop pushing on his shoulder, insisting he get up. Instead, he rolled over, showing Heechul his back.
“There’s been an accident, Donghae.”
Donghae remembers rolling over at Heechul, who stared at him with this look that terrified him beyond reason, and he didn’t know why. He looked like he hadn’t slept in about four days; his eyes were puffy and his skin that had a grey pallor that resembled a corpse.
“The van, on the way back from SuKiRa...well, the driver lost control of the car, and...”
Donghae remembers feeling like he had been punched in the throat. There was no need for Heechul to finish his sentence; no, he could tell what he was hinting at just by the tone of his voice.
“How bad is Kyuhyun?”
“Completely unconscious. He’s at the hospital right now. They said he’s covered in scratches, his hip is fractured and he might have some rib problems...he can’t even breathe on his own.”
Donghae didn’t even realize he was sobbing until Heechul grabbed him, holding him close. There was no way this was happening, not again - losing his father was hard enough as it was, but if Kyuhyun didn’t make it, he didn’t know how he was going to go on. He hadn’t realized it before, but the snarky maknae had somehow wormed his way into Donghae’s heart and had made quite the imprint. The thought of not having Kyuhyun in his life was unimaginable. He remembers Heechul scolding him, telling him hyperventilating was not going to make the situation any more tolerable, but there was no way for Donghae to even imagine breathing correctly. Quite frankly, he didn’t really care if he fainted; being unconscious would be infinitely better than the terrifying feeling that lurked in his stomach. He remembers acknowledging that this was much worse than losing his father, because when his father passed, it was definite; there were no maybes and no false hopes. With Kyuhyun, everything was in the air at this point, although Donghae knew the chances were slim to none, and that fact alone hurt more than anything.
He remembers aching to go to the hospital, pleading with Heechul to let him go, saying he needed to see Kyuhyun just one last time, just in case this was the end. Heechul, however, refused to let him anywhere near that hospital, and although he protested, Donghae understood why - the image of Kyuhyun, bruised, broken and everything but destroyed, was not the last image Donghae would want to remember if Kyuhyun didn’t make it out alive.
Donghae remembers telling Heechul that he was going to wait. He would not eat, he would not sleep, he would not leave that dorm until he was certain of Kyuhyun’s fate; whether their fairy tale had a happy ending, or if it was meant to end by way of Romeo and Juliet. He would sit, unmoving, by the phone, praying to a God he hoped was listening.
__________
Donghae remembers it being the fourth day when they got the call.
He remembers because he was not the one to answer like he had hoped; after four endless days and three sleepless nights of jumping at every ring, Eunhyuk, still recovering from his own wounds, convinced Donghae that perhaps he should take a bath, because baths are known to be relaxing in stressful situations such as this.
He remembers how Ryeowook knocked on the bathroom door, not waiting for a reply before entering, the phone in his hands. He remembers attempting to leap out of the bathtub, tears already threatening to form behind his eyes, but he remembers the younger man holding up a hand and taking a seat on the toilet.
“Ah-ra - you know, Kyuhyun’s sister - just called; he got out of surgery last night. He isn’t conscious yet, but he’s begun breathing on his own. She said he is doing infinitely better.”
Donghae didn’t need any more confirmation; he leaped out of the tub (and remembers traumatizing Ryeowook) and nearly slipped as he raced into his room and quickly got dressed. He remembers deciding that there was no way he was going to tolerate the inner-city traffic; that instead, he would simply walk to the hospital, because twelve blocks is not that far.
By the time he reached the hospital, he could fear the lump in his throat threatening to block off his airway, although he couldn’t decide whether he was ecstatic over Kyuhyun’s slight recovery, or terrified of the fact that he was in a hospital, or both. After asking the receptionist his room number, he raced toward the nearest elevator, ignoring all the staff members who reprimanded him for running.
He remembers the shock of seeing a young woman in Kyuhyun’s room, sitting next to an unconscious Kyuhyun, holding his hand gingerly but he quickly realized who it was. She smiled when she saw him.
“You must be Donghae,” She held stood up and bowed. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”
“You must be the one who broke the rose vase.”
He remembers thinking her laugh was pretty. Hell, all of her was pretty - her hair was black and swirly, she dressed very classy, and was a spitting image of Kyuhyun.
“Yes, I’m not surprised my brother told you that story,” He remembers the way she looked over to the unconscious figure in the hospital bed and smiled. “He’s quite stubborn, this one; I’m not surprised at how hard he’s fighting.”
Donghae remembers staring at Kyuhyun and wanting to cry; his face was bruised, his neck was scratched and his breathing was very shallow, and it scared Donghae when he realized that this was an improvement of what he had been before.
Ah-ra noticed his concern and patted his shoulder. “My brother is a fighter. He’s going to be fine. And anyway, I know you’ll take good care of him.”
__________
Donghae remembers Kyuhyun's recovery.
He remembers because he had slept in the hospital almost every night in the chair he pushed next to Kyuhyun’s bed - he had desperately wanted to crawl into bed with him, but knew if he did that he was at risk of injuring him further, and that was something he couldn’t live with - so he resorted to the armchair, which gave Donghae a wretched pain in his lower neck. It was the first time he had slept in ninety-six hours, which was a record he wasn’t particularly proud of, but even still it wasn’t a sound sleep. He remembers waking up every night around the same time -- 3:14 AM -- when it was still dark in the hospital room, save for the moonlight streaming in from the window. He remembers attempting to pull himself into a comfortable position, and then another, and yet another, but no matter how he sat, his neck still continued to scream.
He remembers how Kyuhyun writhed in pain once he finally woke up; how the doctors and nurses kept saying it was normal, he went through a lot of trauma, there’s nothing we can do, not even morphine can help at this point, which Donghae thought was bullshit. There was no way, no fucking way that it’s normal for someone to be practically screaming in pain - that is, if Kyuhyun could scream. Donghae had tried multiple times to talk to him, to tell him that the pain wasn’t going to be forever, to ask what was hurting most, but Kyuhyun never made a sound.
Regardless, Donghae remembers being there basically every moment unless idol duty called. He remembers how he cried when Kyuhyun finally was able to walk on his own, which he admits is rather embarrassing now that he looks back on it. He remembers being irrationally pleased when Kyuhyun could finally stomach something other than water and saltines, which, again, is embarrassing to admit.
His favorite thing to remember was Kyuhyun’s first sentence after the accident. It was on July 3rd, two days before he was finally allowed to go home, which Donghae remembers because the news was on the radio at the time. It was lunch, which was a delicious meal of refried hospital cafeteria food, which neither of them really wanted to eat. He remembers how Kyuhyun was making a tower out of his turkey sandwich using chips, crackers, pickles and the straw from his milk.
What he said normally wouldn’t have meant much to Donghae, if someone else had spoken them; they were words he heard from people every day, from fans, friends, family. He was no stranger to the words, but for some reason, when spoken by Kyuhyun, it was if they took on a whole different meaning, and brought forth a feeling in Donghae that he wanted to capture in his hands and keep forever.
He fought back the urge to jump up and celebrate,, instead smiling over to the younger man and saying, “I love you too.”
__________
That was the year that Donghae realized that relationships actually require work.
After being around Kyuhyun almost constantly for the past two years - before they were dating included - Donghae began to hone in on little habits that Kyuhyun had that made him want to shove his hand into a blender.
One habit - the only one worth mentioning, since it was the most irritating - was his addiction. It was okay to play video games - Donghae liked doing it occasionally too. But staying up on Starcraft all night, while screaming at the computer like it could comprehend what you were saying, and then bitching about your lack of sleep the next day was not okay.
There was another problem, now that Donghae recalls - another irritating, obnoxious, and outright ludicrous habit Kyuhyun had.
Kyuhyun was never jealous. Yes, that sounds something bizarre to complain about, but it bothered Donghae beyond comprehension. He sometimes tested Kyuhyun, to see what his limits were, but it seemed that the young man had no limits - Donghae would grab Eunhyuk’s arm, and Kyuhyun would laugh. He would wrap his arm around Heechul’s waist, but it didn’t matter because Kyuhyun didn’t care. He would tackle Kibum, kiss Ryeowook on the cheek - whatever he could think of to even attempt to get Kyuhyun jealous, but nothing ever seemed to get through.
Problems were arising, and Donghae could tell just by the fact that the season was changing. He felt something happening in him, almost like his magnetic pull was shifting - instead of being his normal South, he was becoming North, like Kyuhyun - and he was scared that pretty soon, they would be two of the same, and begin to repel instead of attract.
__________
The first problem was Zhou Mi.
It was December when they met; Donghae remembers because he was supposed to go Christmas shopping with Kyuhyun but instead was dragged out to dinner to meet this guy. Their management was in the process of forming subgroups for Super Junior, and one was called Super Junior-M (“We don’t need to sing in Chinese.” “I know, babe, but it’s not like I’m the one calling the shots here.”) and Zhou Mi was going to be their future band mate, thus their dinner-date was born.
Donghae knew as soon as he saw Zhou Mi that he didn’t like him. Maybe it was the four inch height difference. Maybe it was the fact that, even though his nose looked like there was a credit card shoved in the center of his face, this guy was fucking cute, and had incredible style. Or maybe it was the way Kyuhyun attached himself to this guy’s hip like a fucking parasite, calling him Mimi and laughing more than Donghae had seen him laugh in a long time.
While eating their meal, Donghae probably drank four personal-sized bottles of soju, although nobody tried to stop him. To this day he’s surprised he remembered that meal, and to this day he wishes he couldn’t. He didn’t need to see the way Zhou Mi playfully hit Kyuhyun’s arm, the way he grabbed Kyuhyun’s hand, the way Donghae could feel Zhou Mi rub his leg against Kyuhyun’s. But what really bothered him was the fact that Kyuhyun never tried to stop it.
__________
The second problem was Kyuhyun.
Donghae remembers the wall that began to go up around Christmas time - a wall that couldn’t be seen, but could be felt by simply walking into the room with him. He was different; he didn’t hang all over Donghae anymore, didn’t snuggle into him in bed at night and sing him to sleep, didn’t try to hold his hand when they walked and never kissed him unless Donghae was the one to initiate it.
He also started hanging out with Zhou Mi frequently. Frequently as in, every god damn day.
__________
The third problem was within himself.
He knew that Zhou Mi was one of Kyuhyun’s good friends, and Donghae respected it, but there was a point when the words “good friends” no longer fit the situation and it started to become more.
He was never home, it seemed; he was always visiting Zhou Mi, who was staying at a hotel across the city for what seemed like an obnoxious amount of time for seemingly no apparent reason. Whenever Kyuhyun spoke, it was about Zhou Mi; how talented he was, he was so funny, they had so much in common.
But one of the biggest problems was the fact that Donghae simply just didn’t trust Kyuhyun; he just simply assumed that his emotions would wander, and Zhou Mi would be the target. It irked him more than he would like to admit, even today, but nonetheless he never confronted Kyuhyun. He simply let it roll off his shoulders, simply passed it off as his own foolish insecurities, because Kyuhyun wasn’t the type of person to do that.
Was he?
__________
Donghae remembers the night Kyuhyun came home late from Zhou Mi’s.
Donghae’s bed felt outrageously stiff that night, as if someone had put plywood under the sheets, sharp little splinters digging into his vertebrae, and it was abnormally warm for being January. At about one o’clock he attempted to sleep, although thoughts of Kyuhyun’s body pressed against Zhou Mi’s kept him conscious.
It was almost three in the morning, four hours later than he had promised to be back, when
Kyuhyun came home. There was something weird about him, Donghae could tell right away, but wasn’t sure exactly what.
“It’s not cold enough in here to still be wearing your scarf.”
Kyuhyun walked over to the bed and kissed Donghae harsher than usual, holding his wrists to the mattress and prohibiting movement, as if Donghae were going to try and run away. Donghae could feel Kyuhyun’s teeth dig into his lips, could feel the iron grip on his wrists tighten, and it was all he needed to realize. He turned his head, pushed Kyuhyun back, and pulled off his scarf. Kyuhyun’s hands quickly flew up to his neck, but the damage was already done.
“I fucking knew it,” Donghae stood up, and although he was two inches shorter than Kyuhyun, it was apparent who had the upper hand. “I knew there was a fucking reason you’ve been staying there late.”
“It’s not what you think-!”
“Oh, don’t feed me your shit, Cho Kyuhyun!” It took all of Donghae’s strength to not throttle the younger man until he turned blue in the face. “What, were you helping him clean his apartment and you got a vacuum stuck to your neck? Is that it?”
Donghae knew he had won. Kyuhyun began to whimper, his body shaking and tears spilling down his cheeks in streams, and although normally this would have made Donghae crumble, this time around it only pissed him off further. Kyuhyun choked out an apology, his voice trembling and his breathing on the point of hyperventilation, but Donghae didn’t budge.
“I’m done,” He pointed a finger in the younger man’s face. “I’m done with you and your bullshit. I hope you have a nice life with your precious Mimi, because I don’t want to fucking be a part of it anymore.”
__________
Saying Donghae felt stupid was the understatement of the decade.
Absolutely humiliated seemed like a better way to put it. Never in his entire life had he been played like this; no, he was always the player. When he was younger, he relished the fact that he could make girls fall for him so easily just by flashing his signature kicked-puppy face, his crooked grin, whatever it was - he always was fawned over by girls, and as sadistic as it may sound, he enjoyed the fact that he had so much control over their emotions.
So this, this was a massive blow to his ego, one that he wasn’t sure he’d recover from quickly,
if ever. For once, he had actually opened up romantically, had actually let someone in instead of putting up his smooth criminal facade, and it only got him hurt. What a fucking surprise.
“You know what they say,” Eunhyuk said a few days later when they went shopping together. “‘It’s better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all.’"
Donghae remembers thinking that was the stupidest phrase ever invented, and Alfred Lord Tennyson should be punched in the mouth.
end of Part 3.