R.I.P. Flora Van Horn (1901-1903)
I was reminded of this again today, and felt the need to share it. These are entries from my great-great Grandma Annie (Howard) Van Horn's diary during her daughter Flora's illness and death from Diphtheria in August of 1903. Warning for Saddest Thing Ever.
11 Aug 1903 - Flo is quite ill. I hold her in arms most all day. Nellie and Fred Lazenby come in PM, Van after dark. A shower at 4.
12 Aug 1903 - We come to Pa's. Nellie, Fred, Fae, Roena and my babies and I. The women folks are gone to Harris's.
13 Aug 1903 - Flo rests poorly. Nellie stays up all night putting cool cloths on hot body.
Aug 13, 1903 - Flo is in a high fever. Roena and Fae are left at Morrisons, the rest of us go on to town. Mrs Johnson agrees to keep us and I am so thankful for that. Fred drives us to Dr Grey's office where I have my little one examined. Dr says she has acute tonsilitis and gives me medicine.
Aug 14, 1903 - Nellie and Fred visit the Reform school. Flo passed a wretched night. I scarcely slept a minute. Wilhelm is quite at home here. Dr comes at 11 AM and allays my fears. Says Flo is in no danger with good care. Mother gives herself up wholly to caring for the dear love--that is her best.
Aug 15 - Nellie's case was to have come off today, but Land fails to appear. Four times they have failed her. I go over town in PM leaving Nellie with the babies. Get an atomizer for Flo's throat. Nellie sets me to cooling my baby girl with wet cloths and ice water. Flo is more comfortable. Dr called. N stayed here all night.
Aug 16th - Nellie returns to pa's taking Wilhelm and picks up two girlies. It is such a relief to have my time to devote entirely to my fevered darling. Dr called today and Lily Lantis with him. Lily has fractured arm bone. Flo is kept in comparative comfort in cool cloths.
Aug 17 - Got a good nights rest with my dear dollie girl in cool towels. She is very weak and ill. She is saying "dove me mama". When I lay her on the cold wet towel she screams "bad egg mama." Another time she said "I don't dike oo mama!" in about a minute she said softly, "I dike oo mama." No Dr today.
Aug 18 - Pa here at 7 oclock. Dr at 11:30. Flo's fever continues and she has disinterry. Dr changes medicine. I take her temperature every hour from 2 PM until 8. Flo's rectum and vagina are inflamed and itching. I get carboli salve but it seems to do little good.
Wednesday 19 - Flo passed a bad night. I was up every 2 hours or less all night. Dr sent up a rubber pan and I flushed her bowels 3 times a day with water and witch hazel. Stopped colored medicine and throat wash.
Aug 20 - Pa married today. Flo baby very hot and weak and restless. I am getting much worried but Dr calls at 4 PM and says she is not dangerously ill. Gives medicine for kidneys. Makes plaster for irritated vagina and rectum but it does not calm the itching. Dear hands are put in mittens to keep fingers from scratching.
Aug 21 - Flo is delerious in night and rests very little. I am greatly worried. She fights me with mitten hands and wild eyes when she wakes from nap calling pitteously "mama mama mama". Sleeps from 12:30 till 3 then till 4. Dr examins urine. I make pink mosquito tent for her. Bessie comes to see us. Nellie comes to town with children but none come in and she takes them away again. My little love is not herself at all. Cries for mama in Mrs Johnson's lap while I am gone to closet. The dear eyes are dim and life light has given place to a dull stare. Dr comes and again gives me hope. She did not rest at night and is failing in strength. Pa looked in at night leaving coat and robes here. Goes away looking sorry.
Saturday 22 - My darling baby rested not at all last night and will not speak to nor notice me when I plead for a word. Dr comes and says he will consult with Dr Bruning. I know now that I must part with my baby girl who has lain on my heart and in my heart close oh so close these two past years and more. If by lifting my hand I could stay her life and make her well I would not do it. God knows how dear she is to me--too dear to bear life's burdens that a loving mother might not save her from. I do know and thank God that what time she has been with me has been all love and sunshine for we two, my dear dear baby girl and me. We have all loved her from the first and she has known nothing but love and sunshine. "Mama dove me?" Ah God, why must mother's love so much? All summer after she had taken the drink of "bossy milk" that was meat and drink to her at table the dear curly head must rest in my lap while I finished eating. If I had pushed her away how could I live now with the memory of it. The Drs come but they have no need to tell me more. I have sent word to poor papa to come. The dear face is swolen. Diphtheria is taking the sweet body from mother's arms. I must not kiss or hold her more. The sweet hands that have been held up a hundred times for me to kiss must be kissed no more.
Aug 23 - The dear life went out at 6:40 this morning without a moan. Oh God I thank thee that I did not have to see my baby strangle and choke. Dear Bessies Johnsons linament relieved her when she got worse at 2 oclock, and with flannel on her throat she rested easy till the messenger came and took my blossom leaving only the faded petals. We left the house at 5 to lay the little cloak away in the earth. My old school mate Philo Haines spoke a few words at the grave and asked God's blessing upon us all. Darling Flo wears a new cloak now and maybe another pair of hands are reached to me from another sphere and a sweet voice calls "I know oo dove me mama." Dear mother Flora, now you may clasp in your arms my baby with your name. I am glad to give her to you, mama darling. God has been good to me.
Darling Bo [Flo] ceases the sweet prattle and loving ways mother's heart has cherished so long. All summer long she has repeated the query, "Dove me mama?" Just a sweet comfort to me for the days that are to come. Kisses and kisses asked for and given, just like a big, big good by when the dear life must part from the mother who loved her so. One sweet dear blossom plucked from my garden, and ah I miss the sweet fragrance every day and every hour. Just one more kiss--ah just one.
24 Aug 1903 - Mrs Johnson and I wash the clothes. Papa and Boydie come. Father and Mabel call.
25 Aug 1903 - We look for Bruning to disinfect. Papa and Boydie go home.
26 Aug 1903 - Dr Bruning comes at noon and disinfects best we can.
Flo baby would sometimes say "I can't mama!" when asked to go into another room, and would place an arm over her eyes and go it blind fold, then come back on a run. Often went to her closet seat with dear eyes protected cause "I can't." During last illness I put cold wet towels around her to reduce the fever. Once she was saying "Dove me mama?" then feeling the cold cloth cried out "bad egg mama!" Once she scolded me about the cold cloths "I don't like oo mama!" but very soon added in a sweet voice "I does dove oo mama." She spelled her name "F-o-L-o" for me always. Her favorite game was sitting on floor, often all alone playing "Simon says thumbs up." She would say "birds fly" and fly the dear fingers, "fishes swim" and swim her fishes then, horses fly, cows fly, and sheeps fly, regardless of Eena's repeated explaining that horses must not fly.
11 Aug 1903 - Flo is quite ill. I hold her in arms most all day. Nellie and Fred Lazenby come in PM, Van after dark. A shower at 4.
12 Aug 1903 - We come to Pa's. Nellie, Fred, Fae, Roena and my babies and I. The women folks are gone to Harris's.
13 Aug 1903 - Flo rests poorly. Nellie stays up all night putting cool cloths on hot body.
Aug 13, 1903 - Flo is in a high fever. Roena and Fae are left at Morrisons, the rest of us go on to town. Mrs Johnson agrees to keep us and I am so thankful for that. Fred drives us to Dr Grey's office where I have my little one examined. Dr says she has acute tonsilitis and gives me medicine.
Aug 14, 1903 - Nellie and Fred visit the Reform school. Flo passed a wretched night. I scarcely slept a minute. Wilhelm is quite at home here. Dr comes at 11 AM and allays my fears. Says Flo is in no danger with good care. Mother gives herself up wholly to caring for the dear love--that is her best.
Aug 15 - Nellie's case was to have come off today, but Land fails to appear. Four times they have failed her. I go over town in PM leaving Nellie with the babies. Get an atomizer for Flo's throat. Nellie sets me to cooling my baby girl with wet cloths and ice water. Flo is more comfortable. Dr called. N stayed here all night.
Aug 16th - Nellie returns to pa's taking Wilhelm and picks up two girlies. It is such a relief to have my time to devote entirely to my fevered darling. Dr called today and Lily Lantis with him. Lily has fractured arm bone. Flo is kept in comparative comfort in cool cloths.
Aug 17 - Got a good nights rest with my dear dollie girl in cool towels. She is very weak and ill. She is saying "dove me mama". When I lay her on the cold wet towel she screams "bad egg mama." Another time she said "I don't dike oo mama!" in about a minute she said softly, "I dike oo mama." No Dr today.
Aug 18 - Pa here at 7 oclock. Dr at 11:30. Flo's fever continues and she has disinterry. Dr changes medicine. I take her temperature every hour from 2 PM until 8. Flo's rectum and vagina are inflamed and itching. I get carboli salve but it seems to do little good.
Wednesday 19 - Flo passed a bad night. I was up every 2 hours or less all night. Dr sent up a rubber pan and I flushed her bowels 3 times a day with water and witch hazel. Stopped colored medicine and throat wash.
Aug 20 - Pa married today. Flo baby very hot and weak and restless. I am getting much worried but Dr calls at 4 PM and says she is not dangerously ill. Gives medicine for kidneys. Makes plaster for irritated vagina and rectum but it does not calm the itching. Dear hands are put in mittens to keep fingers from scratching.
Aug 21 - Flo is delerious in night and rests very little. I am greatly worried. She fights me with mitten hands and wild eyes when she wakes from nap calling pitteously "mama mama mama". Sleeps from 12:30 till 3 then till 4. Dr examins urine. I make pink mosquito tent for her. Bessie comes to see us. Nellie comes to town with children but none come in and she takes them away again. My little love is not herself at all. Cries for mama in Mrs Johnson's lap while I am gone to closet. The dear eyes are dim and life light has given place to a dull stare. Dr comes and again gives me hope. She did not rest at night and is failing in strength. Pa looked in at night leaving coat and robes here. Goes away looking sorry.
Saturday 22 - My darling baby rested not at all last night and will not speak to nor notice me when I plead for a word. Dr comes and says he will consult with Dr Bruning. I know now that I must part with my baby girl who has lain on my heart and in my heart close oh so close these two past years and more. If by lifting my hand I could stay her life and make her well I would not do it. God knows how dear she is to me--too dear to bear life's burdens that a loving mother might not save her from. I do know and thank God that what time she has been with me has been all love and sunshine for we two, my dear dear baby girl and me. We have all loved her from the first and she has known nothing but love and sunshine. "Mama dove me?" Ah God, why must mother's love so much? All summer after she had taken the drink of "bossy milk" that was meat and drink to her at table the dear curly head must rest in my lap while I finished eating. If I had pushed her away how could I live now with the memory of it. The Drs come but they have no need to tell me more. I have sent word to poor papa to come. The dear face is swolen. Diphtheria is taking the sweet body from mother's arms. I must not kiss or hold her more. The sweet hands that have been held up a hundred times for me to kiss must be kissed no more.
Aug 23 - The dear life went out at 6:40 this morning without a moan. Oh God I thank thee that I did not have to see my baby strangle and choke. Dear Bessies Johnsons linament relieved her when she got worse at 2 oclock, and with flannel on her throat she rested easy till the messenger came and took my blossom leaving only the faded petals. We left the house at 5 to lay the little cloak away in the earth. My old school mate Philo Haines spoke a few words at the grave and asked God's blessing upon us all. Darling Flo wears a new cloak now and maybe another pair of hands are reached to me from another sphere and a sweet voice calls "I know oo dove me mama." Dear mother Flora, now you may clasp in your arms my baby with your name. I am glad to give her to you, mama darling. God has been good to me.
Darling Bo [Flo] ceases the sweet prattle and loving ways mother's heart has cherished so long. All summer long she has repeated the query, "Dove me mama?" Just a sweet comfort to me for the days that are to come. Kisses and kisses asked for and given, just like a big, big good by when the dear life must part from the mother who loved her so. One sweet dear blossom plucked from my garden, and ah I miss the sweet fragrance every day and every hour. Just one more kiss--ah just one.
24 Aug 1903 - Mrs Johnson and I wash the clothes. Papa and Boydie come. Father and Mabel call.
25 Aug 1903 - We look for Bruning to disinfect. Papa and Boydie go home.
26 Aug 1903 - Dr Bruning comes at noon and disinfects best we can.
Flo baby would sometimes say "I can't mama!" when asked to go into another room, and would place an arm over her eyes and go it blind fold, then come back on a run. Often went to her closet seat with dear eyes protected cause "I can't." During last illness I put cold wet towels around her to reduce the fever. Once she was saying "Dove me mama?" then feeling the cold cloth cried out "bad egg mama!" Once she scolded me about the cold cloths "I don't like oo mama!" but very soon added in a sweet voice "I does dove oo mama." She spelled her name "F-o-L-o" for me always. Her favorite game was sitting on floor, often all alone playing "Simon says thumbs up." She would say "birds fly" and fly the dear fingers, "fishes swim" and swim her fishes then, horses fly, cows fly, and sheeps fly, regardless of Eena's repeated explaining that horses must not fly.