The Puppets
THE PUPPETS;; R
Victoria feels the weight of the world press upon her bones and up her clavicles. In between the loose jaw pushing forward upon her, brazen arms acting mad against the softness of her plump skin, she still finds herself thinking.
“You’re supposed to enjoy this,” Changmin breathes into the confines of her collarbones, and his cheeks burn at the edges of her skin. She flutters her eyelashes, endlessly so, trying out a smile, bouts of enthused gasps but in the end her mind has those little things flying around for attention begging her for a penny: thoughts.
Forgive me, forgive me
If I seem alarmed
I had a motionless moment
No harm’s done
She’s falling underneath the shadows of night falling; they’ve forgotten to close the curtains and turn on the lights. She’s spoiled really, Kyuhyun remembers to tuck a pillow underneath her head as he makes his way onto the sofa, crashing into one. The ceiling is different, it’s a different room and this one’s got stucco accents daring to come down and create ugly indents into Kyuhyun’s bareback.
Victoria imagines it all; the ceiling crumbling, walls colliding, the destructiveness of the bookshelf marveling down, and the empty pit where a television should be (they don’t own a television, they are too cool for that) making a delirious cavity into the floor of the place. The night sky would reveal through the cracks of the openness, laughing mercilessly and then the ceiling would crumble some more until they barely existed beneath the rubble, hugging for shelter. New home decor.
And then Kyuhyun grunts, sliding a finger inside Victoria pushing it up high without permission. She orgasms against her will, gripping into the crook of his shoulders until her fingers unwind.
You see right through a million
Words that I harrowed
And built of mountains of shrapnel
I’ve made my mind up, my mind up
Because the line drawn in the sand’s wrong
Changmin’s more of a structure man and he takes her out for their anniversary. A fancy restaurant, adjacent to the Namsan tower and the stars are parallel from them outside. Maybe that’s why she feels a bit breathless biting into her ravioli or maybe it’s the abundance of wine. Changmin says they could’ve invited their other roommate, Kyuhyun, it’s not a big deal or anything, but it’s kind of the whole point of the whole date concept, and it would’ve been a big deal if he had been there.
Kyuhyun’s got other things to do, regardless. Games.
Changmin smirks suddenly, casual and freakishly adorable, right eye drooping, lips swayed to one side. I must look beautiful tonight, Victoria blushes, pushes her bangs back with the tip of a finger, modest.
“You’ve got a bit of sauce on your chin,” he leans forward as she registers what he says and his rough thumb scrapes the bottom of her chin with much care. She giggles, girly and eloquent and takes another loose sip of her wine.
“We could be domestic,” Changmin creates fowl patterns below the table on Victoria’s bare legs, eyes really never dancing off of her. He sounds a bit innocent when he says it, gullible and hopeful, as if he really means it. Victoria knows better.
“I think Kyuhyun’s seeing someone,” the octaves in Changmin’s voice become regular again, and he sounds slightly devious, in character. His fingers dangle over the frame of his wine glass, making an eerie echo, music to Victoria’s silent ears. Is it me, does he know? He must know everything, she panics for a moment but relief is only a second behind. The ravioli swirls around in her stomach and Changmin never stops creating the patterns.
Who?
Changmin doesn’t keep the conversation going. Only his smirk.
Where all the pioneers have gone
And all that’s left are unresolved
Out of step opinions
Kyuhyun, although similar in many ways to his counterpart and best friend Changmin, doesn’t believe so much in the art of fine dining and dates.
They spend weekends at beach houses; they call it mandatory work trips.
He orders her seafood from the local eatery, spoon feeds it to her until her stomach can’t take anymore. But his smile is also that one of almost malice, shrewd and calculating and he makes her eat until there is nothing left to eat.
Changmin and Kyuhyun are soulmates in a sense, to Victoria. She just happens to be the third wheel, the one to balance out all their uncanny characteristics. The ability to say something horrible but still be lovable, the tendency to be quiet and creative beneath it all, the passion to sing heartbreakingly-great-melancholy kind of songs before it’s bedtime - it’s something that defines the two of them to her, something definite that she’s somehow become attached with over the years.
Kyuhyun draws her a bath on the good mood days, covering the mounds of her curves with scoops of bubbles and filtering the hot water with little puffs of breath to cool. She closes her eyes, tries to relax and let her muscles free but he’s watching her and she wants to watch him back.
“What,” he says self-consciously picking at his hair. There’s no use, it’s always a messy tangle of sorts and her hand drips out of the water to mat it over mockingly. “Great, now there’s soap in it.”
“Let me wash it for you,” Victoria invites him, large china doll eyes unbecoming, flirtatious. And then it’s like the world stops at a tilt, a dangerous angle, teetering, tottering, at a halt. Kyuhyun just laughs, laughs some more and then stands up.
“Maybe later.”
“Are you saying no?’
“No, just maybe later.”
The bathroom door closes behind Kyuhyun and the bubbles fizz out sooner than they are supposed to.
And you say the word and I will come
With overbearing clouds of woe
Out of breath but not alone
Mindfall and absinthe.
It’s Sooyoung.
Changmin and Victoria discover her smoking outside on their balcony one night, her long gazelle legs gratuitously sparkling under the moonlight. She waves a lazy hand for a hello, invites them to come join her for a drag.
Changmin joins immediately, hand sinking on her low backside for a greeting as Sooyoung dips over and sticks the lit cigarette into his mouth, practically drooling when he exhales cooly.
Victoria doesn’t bother to watch the rest.
Forgive me, forgive me
If I’m straight for awhile
I made a poisonless process
That is getting old
Their fine silverware radiates for a week, polish gleaming through the fine display cases. Impeccable craftsmanship Victoria had brought home from China, the perfect addition to their abode.
She thinks about ordering some more when she moves on to clean the kitchen.
I always wind up
With boxed-up over crinkles
A motive, motives
I’ve made my mind up, my mind up
And I could care less who’s turned off
He brings Sooyoung for show. Not that they didn’t know who she was, but she’s introduced different now, she’s his girlfriend, and Changmin’s fantastic idea for one of those domestic dinners goes unheeded. Changmin even bakes pie and makes the samgyupsal.
Domestic.
Kyuhyun’s different. He fidgets with his shirt, a crisp and buttoned white one, too formal for a simple dinner just with them, at home, and he runs his hands through his crafted and styled hair too many times, anytime anyone looks at him.
They could be a four pack now: double dates, dinners, movies, amusement parks, road trips, two people in the back of a car, two in the front.
“So how did you meet?” Changmin bellies on when the table goes silent at first and then everyone fake laughs because they aren’t strangers, were never even allowed the courtesy of getting to decide to be or not.
Kyuhyun rolls his sleeves and then undoes them multiple times, as if this fixes anything and Victoria can’t take her eyes off him, the absoluteness nervous stemming from the bulging vein in his forehead.
Just relax.
“Hey,” she (not her) says softly, reaching over with her hands and fingers grasping at his for comfort and then she leans in close, practically coddling him with reassurance in his ear. Sooyoung’s methodology is apt and it seems to get the trick done because then Kyuhyun is smiling, enough to lift up his glass and make a feeble cheer to ‘friendship,’ and they all cheer back and somewhere in between Victoria and Kyuhyun’s glasses clank.
Sooyoung tells a funny joke, something about a cow and a beer and a soccer ball and both boys howl late into the evening, mouths slacked wide as Victoria cleans the table, washing the dishes in the kitchen, happy for a quick escape. The sounds of Sooyoung mocking something she saw on television (she owns one) encroaches the walls of the place and the boys laugh with utter glee until they fall into a drunken stupor. Victoria watches from beyond the kitchen counter, where it is safe and no one can judge her and she feels all sorts of offended when she realizes just how enamored both Changmin and Kyuhyun are with Sooyoung.
Something went with wrong with her idea of content.
Where all the pioneers have gone
And all that’s left are unresolved
Out of step opinions
“I don’t like you with her.”
“Well, she likes you.”
“I didn’t say I didn’t like her.”
And you say the word and I will come
With overbearing clouds of woe
Out of breath but not alone
Changmin is the one of brilliance and unconventional ideas and developing things further, albeit sometimes more than necessary. He wants to fast forward the ideals of this friendship, jump right into a road trip and he picks a beach house as an idea, something completely innovative.
“I want to drive,” Sooyoung’s cheerful disposition seeps into the others and she clamors into the driver’s seat before anyone can say no.
“I want to sleep,” Kyuhyun says climbing into the back and Changmin shrugs, picking the passenger seat without much thought. Victoria hesitates getting into the back with Kyuhyun, but doesn’t know why, stop being silly, she thinks when Kyuhyun gives her a sleepy smile and draws an arm around her before removing it after overthinking it, perhaps.
The radio goes on full blast and the bass hits them awake painfully and Changmin’s laughing like a mad man as they hit the highway; Sooyoung’s steering is out of control and uncoordinated and Changmin chuckles with fright as he braces her arms to the wheel with force.
“You’re such a good driver Changminnie.”
“What’s the point in having those long legs if you can’t use them to push on the pedals correctly?”
“Shut up! Your legs are equally as long asshole.”
“At least I know how to drive.”
“Truthfully, I didn’t want to sit up in the front because her driving makes me carsick.” Kyuhyun whispers to Victoria. She does a little snort watching him as he slumps his body so much he’s practically leaning over on her for comfort. She taps his head onto her shoulder and detangles his hair.
“And how about now? Is it any better from the backseat?” Kyuhyun shuts his eyes and doesn’t say anything for a minute, leaving Victoria to believe he’s already steadfast asleep.
And then he reaches over between the distance of where the gap of legs meeting is and tucks his hand into hers discreetly.
“A little bit.”
Who’s turned off
Who’s turned off
The beach house is painfully familiar looking, so much so Victoria is pretty sure there are remnants of the toothbrush she last left behind probably somewhere in the house if the actual tenants didn’t clean up after their last rented escapade.
The blue lilies on the side of the house look freshly watered and welcome Victoria with their fresh scent. The eye contact she makes with Kyuhyun before they enter the house is one of sheepishness and briefness.
She decides to make dumplings for dinner, her way of a peace offering and Kyuhyun is quick to offer to help. Something about being in that kitchen together seems right, just a little bit and even more right when Changmin joins in, being irresistibly cute and sneaking bites of dinner before it’s meant to be eaten.
“Hey asshole, stop eating dinner before it goes on the table!” Kyuhyun smacks Changmin’s hand away from the delectable dumplings, authentic and Chinese-made, only being pliant when Changmin gives him a bite.
“You and Sooyoung both keep calling me assholes. What is that, some sort of Sooyoung and Kyuhyun couple thing? That how the two of you have sex? Up the butt?” Changmin leans and over and gropes Kyuhyun’s butt before patting it and then the two of them have a tiny discord, a man brawl fighting over the dumplings.
Victoria suddenly doesn’t find things that funny anymore, and she makes the next batch of dumplings slower, even with the additional help.
It’s jealousy, she realizes. That funny feeling that’s been careening her sideways for the past few months is jealousy, something she never fathomed she would feel around the two of them, because she had been thinking she was only capable of feeling guilt.
She looks over, where both boys are hovering close above the salad, playfully fighting over what should be the next ingredient to go in it - tomatoes or leftover beef jerky sticks, so complacent and normal, and the feeling of guilt washes over her jealousy.
They always say “Hooray!”
It has to leave us
You were not alone when
We have been stretched too far
Sea water is a gift of many things. The salt fills her pores and she sits in between Changmin’s legs on a beach chair, as they watch the night tide rise in and out. She snuggles close to his chest, the smell of his freshly laundered cotton welcoming and the sensation of his hands running up and down the flesh of her legs inebriates her.
“Perfect,” she purrs and Changmin lets his head fall back with a smirk, squeezing the fat of her thighs with a tease.
“Victoria,” he says slowly, “Vic.”
“Hmm?”
“I know.”
“You know what?” Somehow the idea of reopening her eyes and watching the water come and go seems physically demanding and Changmin should really just let her embrace his warmth.
“I know. About you and Kyuhyun.” it’s practically eerie how fast a person’s body reacts to trauma or news of any sort, and her body completely tenses up to her hairline. “You guys have been particurlary obvious this weekend, making googly eyes each other all dinner.”
“I-” Victoria tries but her mind can’t remember the process of how to speak, how to communicate with words. Changmin unnerves her some more with the way he keeps his cool, his hands still roaming freely on the meat of her thighs, warm, eager, hungry.
“It’s cool, relax,” (she does nothing of the sort), “we tell each other everything. Me and Kyuhyun.”
Everything? He knew you knew?
“It’s not like we ever said we were exclusive or anything. And if it meant that me being able to see you was only possible if you got to see Kyuhyun as well, I was okay with that. Am okay, I mean.”
“But me and Kyuhyun don’t do that anymore -” she’s able to choke out, the sound of the water crashing traveling farther and farther “how did-”
“I know, Sooyoung. I think he just wanted to try and be normal for a bit. You’ve got to admit the whole idea is sort of fucked up.”
Did he tell you I fucked up his idea of normal?
“So what do you think of all of us sort of being together, together? You know, with Sooyoung too?”
Maybe it’s because the waves have submerged themselves under the water and do not exist anymore or because the moonlight feels heavy, gravity pulling it down, but Victoria feels unwell and her head spins herself into a tizzy.
Changmin helps her sit upright and soothes her with serene caresses on her back and soft melodies, wordless.
When Kyuhyun and Sooyoung come back from their walk on the beach, hands clasped, hair messy, Victoria’s stomach does another somersault upon itself.
Where all the pioneers have gone
And all that’s left are unresolved
Out of step opinions
Funny things happen when the truth gets placed where it should be. Maybe it’s the ideal of it all, the idea of thinking, over thinking, under thinking, too much thinking but it’s no surprise when they return home that Sooyoung stops coming over and stops calling Kyuhyun back.
“I knew you all had a special kind of friendship, but I didn’t know it was that special,” is along the lines of her reaction when Kyuhyun invites her to the in crowd. It is a strange relationship, even stranger that Kyuhyun seems okay with it, reverting back to his old ways of playing video games in his free time, bothering Changmin to go play golf when the weather permits.
They aren’t retired, they just aren’t singers anymore.
It’s Victoria who this whole thing sits the most unwell with. The acknowledgement of love being so easy to both of them when it has been eating her up the whole time, the fact that two grown men could so easily commend her to this role of sharing, sort of like she has been a pawn of their game this whole time.
“What am I to you?” she asks Changmin, as they lay in bed. She can hear Changmin’s soft gasps of breathing, feel the bed slowly dip with each rise and fall and she counts them until it drives her crazy.
“Victoria.” and she gets up, unsatisfied, ready to leave before he reaches over and grabs her arm to relax her. He always has that effect. “The girl I love, one half of me.”
“If I am one half of you, how come you are so willing to share me? With Kyuhyun? With Sooyoung?”
“Because like I said before, if it meant it was the only way I could have you, then so be it.”
“Oh.”
“Think about it Victoria. If I were to ask you to be in an exclusive relationship with me right now, would you do it? Would you be willing to break your ties with Kyuhyun?”
Victoria doesn’t say anything and the mattress sinks deeper.
“Didn’t think so.”
It’s like we’re dead once more
Changmin loves Kyuhyun, Victoria knows that much and Kyuhyun loves Changmin. It’s the irreversible part of love and she almost feels bad that she could ruin it all - she’s powerful and yet so powerless.
“Do you love me, Kyuhyun?”
“Yeah,” Kyuhyun says, not bothering to look up from his computer screen.
“Did you love Sooyoung?”
He doesn’t answer right away, considers how to say his words carefully. “Yes, but not in the same way.”
“Do you think we could ever be normal?”
“Maybe not. But I’m beginning to think normal doesn’t matter.”
“So what does matter?”
“Friendship. Love. I am in love with you and I love Changmin. Can’t we make it work?”
Victoria is the one that says, “maybe” this time. It’s all semantics in the end, isn’t it?
But you say the word and I will come
With overbearing clouds of woe
Out of breath but not alone
They have one of those dinners, domestic, celebratory. Glasses full of champagne, side plates of asparagus, warm seaweed soup; it’s like a birthday party or something even sweeter. Victoria sets up the seats so she’s sitting across from her two men, Changmin on her left and Kyuhyun on her right. It’s something ideal, something picturesque and she takes both of their hands at the end of the night when the balloons are half-deflated and the jokes grow stale and their stomachs are too full to move a single step.
“I’m pregnant,”
She lays it out on the table and neither of the boys know how to pick up the words and relegate it into a conversation, try to say back, ‘Who’s the daddy?’ because it’s a bit of a cliche at this point.
They’ll raise it as a family, wholesome and modern, and the child will be just as spoiled as Victoria felt in the beginning and they’ll live with no judgement and love will be saturated throughout the three of them.
Changmin buries his head, Victoria thinks it might be tears.
Kyuhyun comforts him, arms wrapped around his best friend, head buried back into Changmin’s armpit, sounds muffled by the fabric. Victoria can’t figure out if the look of fright on both their faces is one of elation or one of grief.
The next morning, the boys wake up to discover the littlest of notes placed on that empty spot where a television really should have been. ‘I love you,’ it says in the most delicate handwriting in Mandarin, not Korean.
They look around the apartment, look for fragments of Victoria left behind, maybe even a pair of earrings or an old pair of pajamas but there is nothing, only the note and the confusion of being something or nothing at all.
out of breath - silversun pickups
-
Victoria feels the weight of the world press upon her bones and up her clavicles. In between the loose jaw pushing forward upon her, brazen arms acting mad against the softness of her plump skin, she still finds herself thinking.
“You’re supposed to enjoy this,” Changmin breathes into the confines of her collarbones, and his cheeks burn at the edges of her skin. She flutters her eyelashes, endlessly so, trying out a smile, bouts of enthused gasps but in the end her mind has those little things flying around for attention begging her for a penny: thoughts.
Forgive me, forgive me
If I seem alarmed
I had a motionless moment
No harm’s done
She’s falling underneath the shadows of night falling; they’ve forgotten to close the curtains and turn on the lights. She’s spoiled really, Kyuhyun remembers to tuck a pillow underneath her head as he makes his way onto the sofa, crashing into one. The ceiling is different, it’s a different room and this one’s got stucco accents daring to come down and create ugly indents into Kyuhyun’s bareback.
Victoria imagines it all; the ceiling crumbling, walls colliding, the destructiveness of the bookshelf marveling down, and the empty pit where a television should be (they don’t own a television, they are too cool for that) making a delirious cavity into the floor of the place. The night sky would reveal through the cracks of the openness, laughing mercilessly and then the ceiling would crumble some more until they barely existed beneath the rubble, hugging for shelter. New home decor.
And then Kyuhyun grunts, sliding a finger inside Victoria pushing it up high without permission. She orgasms against her will, gripping into the crook of his shoulders until her fingers unwind.
You see right through a million
Words that I harrowed
And built of mountains of shrapnel
I’ve made my mind up, my mind up
Because the line drawn in the sand’s wrong
Changmin’s more of a structure man and he takes her out for their anniversary. A fancy restaurant, adjacent to the Namsan tower and the stars are parallel from them outside. Maybe that’s why she feels a bit breathless biting into her ravioli or maybe it’s the abundance of wine. Changmin says they could’ve invited their other roommate, Kyuhyun, it’s not a big deal or anything, but it’s kind of the whole point of the whole date concept, and it would’ve been a big deal if he had been there.
Kyuhyun’s got other things to do, regardless. Games.
Changmin smirks suddenly, casual and freakishly adorable, right eye drooping, lips swayed to one side. I must look beautiful tonight, Victoria blushes, pushes her bangs back with the tip of a finger, modest.
“You’ve got a bit of sauce on your chin,” he leans forward as she registers what he says and his rough thumb scrapes the bottom of her chin with much care. She giggles, girly and eloquent and takes another loose sip of her wine.
“We could be domestic,” Changmin creates fowl patterns below the table on Victoria’s bare legs, eyes really never dancing off of her. He sounds a bit innocent when he says it, gullible and hopeful, as if he really means it. Victoria knows better.
“I think Kyuhyun’s seeing someone,” the octaves in Changmin’s voice become regular again, and he sounds slightly devious, in character. His fingers dangle over the frame of his wine glass, making an eerie echo, music to Victoria’s silent ears. Is it me, does he know? He must know everything, she panics for a moment but relief is only a second behind. The ravioli swirls around in her stomach and Changmin never stops creating the patterns.
Who?
Changmin doesn’t keep the conversation going. Only his smirk.
Where all the pioneers have gone
And all that’s left are unresolved
Out of step opinions
Kyuhyun, although similar in many ways to his counterpart and best friend Changmin, doesn’t believe so much in the art of fine dining and dates.
They spend weekends at beach houses; they call it mandatory work trips.
He orders her seafood from the local eatery, spoon feeds it to her until her stomach can’t take anymore. But his smile is also that one of almost malice, shrewd and calculating and he makes her eat until there is nothing left to eat.
Changmin and Kyuhyun are soulmates in a sense, to Victoria. She just happens to be the third wheel, the one to balance out all their uncanny characteristics. The ability to say something horrible but still be lovable, the tendency to be quiet and creative beneath it all, the passion to sing heartbreakingly-great-melancholy kind of songs before it’s bedtime - it’s something that defines the two of them to her, something definite that she’s somehow become attached with over the years.
Kyuhyun draws her a bath on the good mood days, covering the mounds of her curves with scoops of bubbles and filtering the hot water with little puffs of breath to cool. She closes her eyes, tries to relax and let her muscles free but he’s watching her and she wants to watch him back.
“What,” he says self-consciously picking at his hair. There’s no use, it’s always a messy tangle of sorts and her hand drips out of the water to mat it over mockingly. “Great, now there’s soap in it.”
“Let me wash it for you,” Victoria invites him, large china doll eyes unbecoming, flirtatious. And then it’s like the world stops at a tilt, a dangerous angle, teetering, tottering, at a halt. Kyuhyun just laughs, laughs some more and then stands up.
“Maybe later.”
“Are you saying no?’
“No, just maybe later.”
The bathroom door closes behind Kyuhyun and the bubbles fizz out sooner than they are supposed to.
And you say the word and I will come
With overbearing clouds of woe
Out of breath but not alone
Mindfall and absinthe.
It’s Sooyoung.
Changmin and Victoria discover her smoking outside on their balcony one night, her long gazelle legs gratuitously sparkling under the moonlight. She waves a lazy hand for a hello, invites them to come join her for a drag.
Changmin joins immediately, hand sinking on her low backside for a greeting as Sooyoung dips over and sticks the lit cigarette into his mouth, practically drooling when he exhales cooly.
Victoria doesn’t bother to watch the rest.
Forgive me, forgive me
If I’m straight for awhile
I made a poisonless process
That is getting old
Their fine silverware radiates for a week, polish gleaming through the fine display cases. Impeccable craftsmanship Victoria had brought home from China, the perfect addition to their abode.
She thinks about ordering some more when she moves on to clean the kitchen.
I always wind up
With boxed-up over crinkles
A motive, motives
I’ve made my mind up, my mind up
And I could care less who’s turned off
He brings Sooyoung for show. Not that they didn’t know who she was, but she’s introduced different now, she’s his girlfriend, and Changmin’s fantastic idea for one of those domestic dinners goes unheeded. Changmin even bakes pie and makes the samgyupsal.
Domestic.
Kyuhyun’s different. He fidgets with his shirt, a crisp and buttoned white one, too formal for a simple dinner just with them, at home, and he runs his hands through his crafted and styled hair too many times, anytime anyone looks at him.
They could be a four pack now: double dates, dinners, movies, amusement parks, road trips, two people in the back of a car, two in the front.
“So how did you meet?” Changmin bellies on when the table goes silent at first and then everyone fake laughs because they aren’t strangers, were never even allowed the courtesy of getting to decide to be or not.
Kyuhyun rolls his sleeves and then undoes them multiple times, as if this fixes anything and Victoria can’t take her eyes off him, the absoluteness nervous stemming from the bulging vein in his forehead.
Just relax.
“Hey,” she (not her) says softly, reaching over with her hands and fingers grasping at his for comfort and then she leans in close, practically coddling him with reassurance in his ear. Sooyoung’s methodology is apt and it seems to get the trick done because then Kyuhyun is smiling, enough to lift up his glass and make a feeble cheer to ‘friendship,’ and they all cheer back and somewhere in between Victoria and Kyuhyun’s glasses clank.
Sooyoung tells a funny joke, something about a cow and a beer and a soccer ball and both boys howl late into the evening, mouths slacked wide as Victoria cleans the table, washing the dishes in the kitchen, happy for a quick escape. The sounds of Sooyoung mocking something she saw on television (she owns one) encroaches the walls of the place and the boys laugh with utter glee until they fall into a drunken stupor. Victoria watches from beyond the kitchen counter, where it is safe and no one can judge her and she feels all sorts of offended when she realizes just how enamored both Changmin and Kyuhyun are with Sooyoung.
Something went with wrong with her idea of content.
Where all the pioneers have gone
And all that’s left are unresolved
Out of step opinions
“I don’t like you with her.”
“Well, she likes you.”
“I didn’t say I didn’t like her.”
And you say the word and I will come
With overbearing clouds of woe
Out of breath but not alone
Changmin is the one of brilliance and unconventional ideas and developing things further, albeit sometimes more than necessary. He wants to fast forward the ideals of this friendship, jump right into a road trip and he picks a beach house as an idea, something completely innovative.
“I want to drive,” Sooyoung’s cheerful disposition seeps into the others and she clamors into the driver’s seat before anyone can say no.
“I want to sleep,” Kyuhyun says climbing into the back and Changmin shrugs, picking the passenger seat without much thought. Victoria hesitates getting into the back with Kyuhyun, but doesn’t know why, stop being silly, she thinks when Kyuhyun gives her a sleepy smile and draws an arm around her before removing it after overthinking it, perhaps.
The radio goes on full blast and the bass hits them awake painfully and Changmin’s laughing like a mad man as they hit the highway; Sooyoung’s steering is out of control and uncoordinated and Changmin chuckles with fright as he braces her arms to the wheel with force.
“You’re such a good driver Changminnie.”
“What’s the point in having those long legs if you can’t use them to push on the pedals correctly?”
“Shut up! Your legs are equally as long asshole.”
“At least I know how to drive.”
“Truthfully, I didn’t want to sit up in the front because her driving makes me carsick.” Kyuhyun whispers to Victoria. She does a little snort watching him as he slumps his body so much he’s practically leaning over on her for comfort. She taps his head onto her shoulder and detangles his hair.
“And how about now? Is it any better from the backseat?” Kyuhyun shuts his eyes and doesn’t say anything for a minute, leaving Victoria to believe he’s already steadfast asleep.
And then he reaches over between the distance of where the gap of legs meeting is and tucks his hand into hers discreetly.
“A little bit.”
Who’s turned off
Who’s turned off
The beach house is painfully familiar looking, so much so Victoria is pretty sure there are remnants of the toothbrush she last left behind probably somewhere in the house if the actual tenants didn’t clean up after their last rented escapade.
The blue lilies on the side of the house look freshly watered and welcome Victoria with their fresh scent. The eye contact she makes with Kyuhyun before they enter the house is one of sheepishness and briefness.
She decides to make dumplings for dinner, her way of a peace offering and Kyuhyun is quick to offer to help. Something about being in that kitchen together seems right, just a little bit and even more right when Changmin joins in, being irresistibly cute and sneaking bites of dinner before it’s meant to be eaten.
“Hey asshole, stop eating dinner before it goes on the table!” Kyuhyun smacks Changmin’s hand away from the delectable dumplings, authentic and Chinese-made, only being pliant when Changmin gives him a bite.
“You and Sooyoung both keep calling me assholes. What is that, some sort of Sooyoung and Kyuhyun couple thing? That how the two of you have sex? Up the butt?” Changmin leans and over and gropes Kyuhyun’s butt before patting it and then the two of them have a tiny discord, a man brawl fighting over the dumplings.
Victoria suddenly doesn’t find things that funny anymore, and she makes the next batch of dumplings slower, even with the additional help.
It’s jealousy, she realizes. That funny feeling that’s been careening her sideways for the past few months is jealousy, something she never fathomed she would feel around the two of them, because she had been thinking she was only capable of feeling guilt.
She looks over, where both boys are hovering close above the salad, playfully fighting over what should be the next ingredient to go in it - tomatoes or leftover beef jerky sticks, so complacent and normal, and the feeling of guilt washes over her jealousy.
They always say “Hooray!”
It has to leave us
You were not alone when
We have been stretched too far
Sea water is a gift of many things. The salt fills her pores and she sits in between Changmin’s legs on a beach chair, as they watch the night tide rise in and out. She snuggles close to his chest, the smell of his freshly laundered cotton welcoming and the sensation of his hands running up and down the flesh of her legs inebriates her.
“Perfect,” she purrs and Changmin lets his head fall back with a smirk, squeezing the fat of her thighs with a tease.
“Victoria,” he says slowly, “Vic.”
“Hmm?”
“I know.”
“You know what?” Somehow the idea of reopening her eyes and watching the water come and go seems physically demanding and Changmin should really just let her embrace his warmth.
“I know. About you and Kyuhyun.” it’s practically eerie how fast a person’s body reacts to trauma or news of any sort, and her body completely tenses up to her hairline. “You guys have been particurlary obvious this weekend, making googly eyes each other all dinner.”
“I-” Victoria tries but her mind can’t remember the process of how to speak, how to communicate with words. Changmin unnerves her some more with the way he keeps his cool, his hands still roaming freely on the meat of her thighs, warm, eager, hungry.
“It’s cool, relax,” (she does nothing of the sort), “we tell each other everything. Me and Kyuhyun.”
Everything? He knew you knew?
“It’s not like we ever said we were exclusive or anything. And if it meant that me being able to see you was only possible if you got to see Kyuhyun as well, I was okay with that. Am okay, I mean.”
“But me and Kyuhyun don’t do that anymore -” she’s able to choke out, the sound of the water crashing traveling farther and farther “how did-”
“I know, Sooyoung. I think he just wanted to try and be normal for a bit. You’ve got to admit the whole idea is sort of fucked up.”
Did he tell you I fucked up his idea of normal?
“So what do you think of all of us sort of being together, together? You know, with Sooyoung too?”
Maybe it’s because the waves have submerged themselves under the water and do not exist anymore or because the moonlight feels heavy, gravity pulling it down, but Victoria feels unwell and her head spins herself into a tizzy.
Changmin helps her sit upright and soothes her with serene caresses on her back and soft melodies, wordless.
When Kyuhyun and Sooyoung come back from their walk on the beach, hands clasped, hair messy, Victoria’s stomach does another somersault upon itself.
Where all the pioneers have gone
And all that’s left are unresolved
Out of step opinions
Funny things happen when the truth gets placed where it should be. Maybe it’s the ideal of it all, the idea of thinking, over thinking, under thinking, too much thinking but it’s no surprise when they return home that Sooyoung stops coming over and stops calling Kyuhyun back.
“I knew you all had a special kind of friendship, but I didn’t know it was that special,” is along the lines of her reaction when Kyuhyun invites her to the in crowd. It is a strange relationship, even stranger that Kyuhyun seems okay with it, reverting back to his old ways of playing video games in his free time, bothering Changmin to go play golf when the weather permits.
They aren’t retired, they just aren’t singers anymore.
It’s Victoria who this whole thing sits the most unwell with. The acknowledgement of love being so easy to both of them when it has been eating her up the whole time, the fact that two grown men could so easily commend her to this role of sharing, sort of like she has been a pawn of their game this whole time.
“What am I to you?” she asks Changmin, as they lay in bed. She can hear Changmin’s soft gasps of breathing, feel the bed slowly dip with each rise and fall and she counts them until it drives her crazy.
“Victoria.” and she gets up, unsatisfied, ready to leave before he reaches over and grabs her arm to relax her. He always has that effect. “The girl I love, one half of me.”
“If I am one half of you, how come you are so willing to share me? With Kyuhyun? With Sooyoung?”
“Because like I said before, if it meant it was the only way I could have you, then so be it.”
“Oh.”
“Think about it Victoria. If I were to ask you to be in an exclusive relationship with me right now, would you do it? Would you be willing to break your ties with Kyuhyun?”
Victoria doesn’t say anything and the mattress sinks deeper.
“Didn’t think so.”
It’s like we’re dead once more
Changmin loves Kyuhyun, Victoria knows that much and Kyuhyun loves Changmin. It’s the irreversible part of love and she almost feels bad that she could ruin it all - she’s powerful and yet so powerless.
“Do you love me, Kyuhyun?”
“Yeah,” Kyuhyun says, not bothering to look up from his computer screen.
“Did you love Sooyoung?”
He doesn’t answer right away, considers how to say his words carefully. “Yes, but not in the same way.”
“Do you think we could ever be normal?”
“Maybe not. But I’m beginning to think normal doesn’t matter.”
“So what does matter?”
“Friendship. Love. I am in love with you and I love Changmin. Can’t we make it work?”
Victoria is the one that says, “maybe” this time. It’s all semantics in the end, isn’t it?
But you say the word and I will come
With overbearing clouds of woe
Out of breath but not alone
They have one of those dinners, domestic, celebratory. Glasses full of champagne, side plates of asparagus, warm seaweed soup; it’s like a birthday party or something even sweeter. Victoria sets up the seats so she’s sitting across from her two men, Changmin on her left and Kyuhyun on her right. It’s something ideal, something picturesque and she takes both of their hands at the end of the night when the balloons are half-deflated and the jokes grow stale and their stomachs are too full to move a single step.
“I’m pregnant,”
She lays it out on the table and neither of the boys know how to pick up the words and relegate it into a conversation, try to say back, ‘Who’s the daddy?’ because it’s a bit of a cliche at this point.
They’ll raise it as a family, wholesome and modern, and the child will be just as spoiled as Victoria felt in the beginning and they’ll live with no judgement and love will be saturated throughout the three of them.
Changmin buries his head, Victoria thinks it might be tears.
Kyuhyun comforts him, arms wrapped around his best friend, head buried back into Changmin’s armpit, sounds muffled by the fabric. Victoria can’t figure out if the look of fright on both their faces is one of elation or one of grief.
The next morning, the boys wake up to discover the littlest of notes placed on that empty spot where a television really should have been. ‘I love you,’ it says in the most delicate handwriting in Mandarin, not Korean.
They look around the apartment, look for fragments of Victoria left behind, maybe even a pair of earrings or an old pair of pajamas but there is nothing, only the note and the confusion of being something or nothing at all.
out of breath - silversun pickups
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