The Fine Line (2nd Down)

[skyfang]

A/N: Man am I glad Megumi-nee is well received hahaha.

The Fine Line

Second Down: Shotgun Proposal

"Pardon?" Mamori asked, confused. Hiruma was not asking what she thought he was asking.
"You heard me crystal clear, fucking manager, I want you to act as my fucking girlfriend."
"Are you crazy!" She exclaimed as she suddenly stood, upsetting the table.
He

Comments

[bar_ohki]

Squee. I am happy.
Liking this lots.

[skyfang]

hehehe! I'm happy that you liked it!

[lampazo_libre]

Oh, loved it much!
I appreciate the fact that you made Mamori really hesitating about it, it's natural, not like she's ging to jump on his neck screaming "yes, have me, I'm all yours!"
Her dissapointment is also a brilliant idea, shows equally her reaction(only shows, not throws out, very nice written) and Hiruma's ability to press her buttons(I assume that he said it at least artially on purpose.)
Hmmm, who are they going to talk with? Hiruma's dad? That would be rich!
So, you have tied the prologue, and now let the fun begin! Looking forward for Da Grandma.
Once again, loved it.)
Sry, I love rambling.))

[skyfang]

of course she'll hesitate. but as you said Hiruma does know how to press her buttons. Thanks for reading.

[wintaerland]

Ahhh! I can't wait to meet grandma. Also, a quick question, do we know Megumi's fiance? For some reason, my mind is pairing her up with Musashi >_<

A couple of quick errors that I caught:
1) "Because don't fucking friends help each other." <-- should end with a question mark right?
2) "She swallowed, maybe she was overreacting and he was right friends do help each other. This was the first time he did ask for help and would she let him down?"
Should maybe be: "She swallowed, maybe she was overreacting and he was right, friends do help each other. This was the first time he had asked for help, would she let him down?"
3) "Yes. Because friends never abandon friends at their time of need." <-- Should be "in their time of need" not "at"

There were a couple more, but since I'm not sure if you want crit, I'll keep them to myself.

Anyways, I really like this. Both stayed in character and the story is moving along nicely. Can't wait for the next chapter!

[skyfang]

awts. almost got it. Musashi was my second choice as megumi's fiancee. Big Musashi fan here but if he was Megumi's fiancee, Hiruma must know about it. Them being best friend and all. Hehehe.

And thanks for the heads up. I'm not perfect so I love them.

Thanks