100daysofsummer
Sadly, no puppyverse tonight.
On the first day, he played it cool. A friendly glance, a smile hello, and a cordial nod. Nevermind that he was stocking watermelons and managed to drop and break two open on the floors in between the glance and the smile. A couple of cantalopes fell sacrifice to the hunt in between the hello and the nod.
Really, it was the suave sophistication with which he sighted his prey that would eventually win him over. Squirrel was sure of it. Because this was the way things happened when one pursued someone else. The pursuer was the predator, the pursuee was the prey.
Squirrel was definitely pursuing.
“Smooth move, Casanova,” his coworker, Benny chuckled. “I think it was the ballet of watermelon smashing that attracted his attention. You should have seen the look on his face.”
This was the problem, also, with telling other predators of the prey. Other predators were often smart ass bigmouths who wouldn’t leave well enough alone. “He’s totally into me.” The predator rule book stated that a predator never show any sign of weakness. And since Squirrel was all about the denial, that worked for him. “Just you wait and see.”
Benny snorted. “Ten bucks says he tries to get you committed before the week’s out.”
Some predators were barely scraping a living at the bottom of the food chain, Squirrel decided, and had to take their frustrations out on the stronger hunters. Poor sex starved Benny. Was it any wonder that he felt the need to harass Squirrel in all his magnificent glory? “I’ll have you know, I’m hot stuff. He’d be lucky to get a piece of this. People proposition me on the streets when I’m walking home.”
“That happened once, and it was someone old enough to be your grandfather.” Obviously some predators were in the dark about the whole denial thing. Which was really a downer. “Your mother told me, and I quote, ‘he ran screaming all the way home like a little girl’. You made me walk you home for the next three weeks afterwards.”
“But, I was propositioned.” Really, the devil was in the details, and it was Squirrel’s duty and responsibility to make sure that Benny got the facts straight. “It’s my killer personality and smokin’ bod.”
“Where does that completely baseless confidence come from?” Benny shot him look of incredulity mixed with frustration.
“Some of us are just born lucky,” Squirrel smiled.
“Or delusional.”
On the second day, Squirrel decided to up the ante. It was time for the subtle flirt up. Of course, in subtly flirting someone up, there were choice phrases-topics of discussion, really-that were best avoided. How balls resembled hairy seeded grapes, for one. (If he weren’t so awesome, he was sure that his boss might have had issue with that one.) And yes, he might have momentarily regretted bringing up the topic of butt hair and how it should never be long enough to be braided. Still, these were important things to know about a prey when stalking them. It was all about laying a trap and seeing the right ones take the bait.
“Braided butt hair? Are you deranged?” Benny had managed to avoid another fruit massacre. He’d made Squirrel take a short break when the target had come into range. A cluster of grapes, however, had still managed to become a grim casualty in the name of love.
Squirrel popped one into his mouth. “These are important things to know about a potential partner. What if you never asked, and were getting hot in heavy in bed one night and all of the sudden it’s like ‘Oh No! Dense jungle vegetation ahead! We canna pass through it Captain! Help, help, it’s gonna eat me! Aaaaaaaaaaarggggghhhhh!” The choking noises were made only for educational purposes. Really.
“It’s a wonder that anyone lets you out in public.”
Ah, but Squirrel could see the smile hiding at the corners of Benny’s lips. There was a repressed chuckle in there some where. “Well, for instance, would your partner have to worry about you having a hairy ass?”
“I’m not discussing my butt hairs with you. Ever.”
This, of course, was an obvious opening to discuss a myriad of other things. “What do you think the best euphemism for semen is? I thought nut cream for a while, but it sounds a bit deceiving. Like maybe you’ve got shea butter in your sac or something, and we both know that’s not the case. Penis juice, maybe? The motherload?”
“I’m going over there now. Stay here. Molest no one and nothing.”
Predator/prey relationships were always a tricky business, Squirrel decided.
On the third day, contact was made. A couple of avocados and kumquat, gave up their already postpartum lives so that Squirrel could cop of feel.
“You grabbed his butt!” Benny’s face was a motely shade of red. Funnily enough, that worked for him.
“So?”
“So, you grabbed his butt in broad daylight while on the job. Are you suicidal?”
“He should consider himself so lucky that I thought his butt gropable. Very firm. Ripe,” he added with pleasure. He was a produce kind of guy after all. That’s why the store kept him around.
Benny buried his head in his hands. “Why? Why would you do that?”
“He didn’t seem to object terribly,” Squirrel couldn’t help but point out. “In fact, he gave a really nice arm squeeze in return.”
“That’s called trying to physically get away from the groping lunatic,” Benny all but yelled, startling several mothers and their small children into staring at him wide eyed and open mouthed. “His butt’s not even that cute. You couldn’t have waited until you were off the clock?”
A predator could recognize a calculated opportunity when it arose. Squirrel was no one’s dummy.
“It was the perfect opportunity. And do you really think he would have bent over like that if he weren’t interested in me?” He put a hand on his hip and smiled at Benny brightly. “And he has a very hot ass.”
“I think what he wanted was the potatoes on the bottom shelf, and you took shameless advantage,” Benny shot back. “And his butt makes pancakes look round a shapely.”
“It’s better than your butt,” Squirrel raised an eyebrow and threw down the proverbial gauntlet.
“My butt is ten times better than that loser’s.”
“Now who has the baseless confidence?” Squirrel smirked.
“People whistle at it!”
“People whistle for dogs, too,” he pointed out cheerfully. Really, as unattractive as that particular shade of red should be, on Benny, it just seemed to work.
“Look at my butt! It is a grade A butt. People would kill to have a butt like this.”
Squirrel reached out and groped it, startling an indignant and horrified squawk out of Benny. “It does have potential, I suppose.”
On the last day, Squirrel went full out. Strawberries gladly sacrificed their lives as he rounded a corner and chased. Five tomatoes met their doom when the tables turned and Squirrel had to run for his life.
“You rat bastard! I can’t believe you kissed me!” Benny’s yells were echoing through the store as if he’d put them out over the PA system. But, luckily, the store was closed so there was no one else to witness the end to the cunning game that Squirrel and invented. “You tongued me!”
“Sounds kinky,” Alonzo from the dairy department laughed at them as they flashed by.
“It was!” Squirrel hollered back, skidding on freshly washed tile and barely managing not to kill himself on three shelves worth of tampons. “I kiss like a mad thing!”
“You’re just mad period,” Benny panted after him, almost grabbing Squirrel by the collar as they rounded past a display of diapers. “I’m not your test dummy for dating,” he snarled.
Grinning happily, Squirrel abruptly came to a stop, turning so that when Benny plowed into him, he was able to skillfully (because, seriously, he had mad skillz) maneuver it so that he had a very padded landing on Benny. “I caught you,” he chirped happily.
Benny blinked. “But I was chasing you.”
“Nope,” Squirrel disagreed. “I was hunting you all week. And now, I’ve got you. Now, it’s time to take you home and mount you.” He couldn’t keep the happy smile off his face.
“You,” Benny sputtered angrily before his expression dissolved into confusion, “but, pancake butt man.”
“Silly Benny. Your ass is ten times better than his. I don’t think you have to braid your butt hair either.”
“You could have just asked me out like a normal person, John.”
John. He snorted. “I told you to call me Squirrel.”
“There in lies the answer to my question, I’m sure.” Benny gingerly propped himself up on his elbows as Squirrel sat cheerfully on his stomach. “You’re crazy.”
“All great loves are,” Squirrel told him philosophically. “If just a little.”
Sooooooooo sleepy. X_x
On the first day, he played it cool. A friendly glance, a smile hello, and a cordial nod. Nevermind that he was stocking watermelons and managed to drop and break two open on the floors in between the glance and the smile. A couple of cantalopes fell sacrifice to the hunt in between the hello and the nod.
Really, it was the suave sophistication with which he sighted his prey that would eventually win him over. Squirrel was sure of it. Because this was the way things happened when one pursued someone else. The pursuer was the predator, the pursuee was the prey.
Squirrel was definitely pursuing.
“Smooth move, Casanova,” his coworker, Benny chuckled. “I think it was the ballet of watermelon smashing that attracted his attention. You should have seen the look on his face.”
This was the problem, also, with telling other predators of the prey. Other predators were often smart ass bigmouths who wouldn’t leave well enough alone. “He’s totally into me.” The predator rule book stated that a predator never show any sign of weakness. And since Squirrel was all about the denial, that worked for him. “Just you wait and see.”
Benny snorted. “Ten bucks says he tries to get you committed before the week’s out.”
Some predators were barely scraping a living at the bottom of the food chain, Squirrel decided, and had to take their frustrations out on the stronger hunters. Poor sex starved Benny. Was it any wonder that he felt the need to harass Squirrel in all his magnificent glory? “I’ll have you know, I’m hot stuff. He’d be lucky to get a piece of this. People proposition me on the streets when I’m walking home.”
“That happened once, and it was someone old enough to be your grandfather.” Obviously some predators were in the dark about the whole denial thing. Which was really a downer. “Your mother told me, and I quote, ‘he ran screaming all the way home like a little girl’. You made me walk you home for the next three weeks afterwards.”
“But, I was propositioned.” Really, the devil was in the details, and it was Squirrel’s duty and responsibility to make sure that Benny got the facts straight. “It’s my killer personality and smokin’ bod.”
“Where does that completely baseless confidence come from?” Benny shot him look of incredulity mixed with frustration.
“Some of us are just born lucky,” Squirrel smiled.
“Or delusional.”
On the second day, Squirrel decided to up the ante. It was time for the subtle flirt up. Of course, in subtly flirting someone up, there were choice phrases-topics of discussion, really-that were best avoided. How balls resembled hairy seeded grapes, for one. (If he weren’t so awesome, he was sure that his boss might have had issue with that one.) And yes, he might have momentarily regretted bringing up the topic of butt hair and how it should never be long enough to be braided. Still, these were important things to know about a prey when stalking them. It was all about laying a trap and seeing the right ones take the bait.
“Braided butt hair? Are you deranged?” Benny had managed to avoid another fruit massacre. He’d made Squirrel take a short break when the target had come into range. A cluster of grapes, however, had still managed to become a grim casualty in the name of love.
Squirrel popped one into his mouth. “These are important things to know about a potential partner. What if you never asked, and were getting hot in heavy in bed one night and all of the sudden it’s like ‘Oh No! Dense jungle vegetation ahead! We canna pass through it Captain! Help, help, it’s gonna eat me! Aaaaaaaaaaarggggghhhhh!” The choking noises were made only for educational purposes. Really.
“It’s a wonder that anyone lets you out in public.”
Ah, but Squirrel could see the smile hiding at the corners of Benny’s lips. There was a repressed chuckle in there some where. “Well, for instance, would your partner have to worry about you having a hairy ass?”
“I’m not discussing my butt hairs with you. Ever.”
This, of course, was an obvious opening to discuss a myriad of other things. “What do you think the best euphemism for semen is? I thought nut cream for a while, but it sounds a bit deceiving. Like maybe you’ve got shea butter in your sac or something, and we both know that’s not the case. Penis juice, maybe? The motherload?”
“I’m going over there now. Stay here. Molest no one and nothing.”
Predator/prey relationships were always a tricky business, Squirrel decided.
On the third day, contact was made. A couple of avocados and kumquat, gave up their already postpartum lives so that Squirrel could cop of feel.
“You grabbed his butt!” Benny’s face was a motely shade of red. Funnily enough, that worked for him.
“So?”
“So, you grabbed his butt in broad daylight while on the job. Are you suicidal?”
“He should consider himself so lucky that I thought his butt gropable. Very firm. Ripe,” he added with pleasure. He was a produce kind of guy after all. That’s why the store kept him around.
Benny buried his head in his hands. “Why? Why would you do that?”
“He didn’t seem to object terribly,” Squirrel couldn’t help but point out. “In fact, he gave a really nice arm squeeze in return.”
“That’s called trying to physically get away from the groping lunatic,” Benny all but yelled, startling several mothers and their small children into staring at him wide eyed and open mouthed. “His butt’s not even that cute. You couldn’t have waited until you were off the clock?”
A predator could recognize a calculated opportunity when it arose. Squirrel was no one’s dummy.
“It was the perfect opportunity. And do you really think he would have bent over like that if he weren’t interested in me?” He put a hand on his hip and smiled at Benny brightly. “And he has a very hot ass.”
“I think what he wanted was the potatoes on the bottom shelf, and you took shameless advantage,” Benny shot back. “And his butt makes pancakes look round a shapely.”
“It’s better than your butt,” Squirrel raised an eyebrow and threw down the proverbial gauntlet.
“My butt is ten times better than that loser’s.”
“Now who has the baseless confidence?” Squirrel smirked.
“People whistle at it!”
“People whistle for dogs, too,” he pointed out cheerfully. Really, as unattractive as that particular shade of red should be, on Benny, it just seemed to work.
“Look at my butt! It is a grade A butt. People would kill to have a butt like this.”
Squirrel reached out and groped it, startling an indignant and horrified squawk out of Benny. “It does have potential, I suppose.”
On the last day, Squirrel went full out. Strawberries gladly sacrificed their lives as he rounded a corner and chased. Five tomatoes met their doom when the tables turned and Squirrel had to run for his life.
“You rat bastard! I can’t believe you kissed me!” Benny’s yells were echoing through the store as if he’d put them out over the PA system. But, luckily, the store was closed so there was no one else to witness the end to the cunning game that Squirrel and invented. “You tongued me!”
“Sounds kinky,” Alonzo from the dairy department laughed at them as they flashed by.
“It was!” Squirrel hollered back, skidding on freshly washed tile and barely managing not to kill himself on three shelves worth of tampons. “I kiss like a mad thing!”
“You’re just mad period,” Benny panted after him, almost grabbing Squirrel by the collar as they rounded past a display of diapers. “I’m not your test dummy for dating,” he snarled.
Grinning happily, Squirrel abruptly came to a stop, turning so that when Benny plowed into him, he was able to skillfully (because, seriously, he had mad skillz) maneuver it so that he had a very padded landing on Benny. “I caught you,” he chirped happily.
Benny blinked. “But I was chasing you.”
“Nope,” Squirrel disagreed. “I was hunting you all week. And now, I’ve got you. Now, it’s time to take you home and mount you.” He couldn’t keep the happy smile off his face.
“You,” Benny sputtered angrily before his expression dissolved into confusion, “but, pancake butt man.”
“Silly Benny. Your ass is ten times better than his. I don’t think you have to braid your butt hair either.”
“You could have just asked me out like a normal person, John.”
John. He snorted. “I told you to call me Squirrel.”
“There in lies the answer to my question, I’m sure.” Benny gingerly propped himself up on his elbows as Squirrel sat cheerfully on his stomach. “You’re crazy.”
“All great loves are,” Squirrel told him philosophically. “If just a little.”
Sooooooooo sleepy. X_x