A little bit lost, a little bit loved (Part 2)
( Part 1)
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Castiel spends the weekend in a haze of studying and spending time with his family.
He spends Sunday morning at church, and when he comes knocking, tells Dean he's busy with Anna for the rest of the day. Castiel is sure Anna wants to ask questions, but she indulges him, and they bake and decorate cupcakes together.
Monday lunchtime, Cas is sitting alone. He's not sure where Dean is, but guesses he must be with Lisa. Cas pushes the idea away and tries his hardest not to think about it.
"Castiel? Hi. Hello."
Cas turns his head towards the voice and looks in what he thinks is the person's general direction. He puts down his drink. "Sorry, I don't recognize your voice."
"Richard. Richard Taylor? I'm in your English class."
Cas knows him, sort of. He doesn't speak up much, but when he does his comments are intelligent. Thoughtful.
Cas offers him a smile. "Hi, Richard."
The table moves slightly as he sits opposite Cas and puts his own tray down. Once he's sat, he asks, "How are you?"
"I'm well. How are you?"
"I'm great," Richard says.
Cas waits, patiently, for what he expects is the point of this conversation. They've never really talked, at least not like this, and he's sure it must be leading somewhere.
Richard clears his throat. "Hey, uh... Cas? Do you want to, maybe, hang out sometime?"
He sounds nervous, stumbling over his words, and Cas is a little confused, because they've definitely never done that before. They're not even really friends.
"Okay," Cas says, for lack of having anything else to say, and not wanting to be rude. He feels a brush against his hand and Richard's fingers curl around his forearm.
"Great," he says, and Cas can hear the happiness in his voice, and something almost like relief. There’s a smile in his voice. "Are you free tonight?"
Castiel realizes what this is, now. It makes him want to smile, even if he isn't interested.
He's about to say no, tell him that he always hangs out with Dean after school, but with a sinking feeling in his gut he remembers Lisa and finds himself agreeing before he has time to give the decision any thought.
"You can come around mine for dinner, if you wish," Cas says on a whim. Richard's hand gives a slight squeeze to his forearm.
"Yes. Yeah, that'd be great. Do you wanna meet somewhere after school?"
"The front entrance," Cas says. "Then we can walk back."
"Great," Richard says, pulling his hand away from Cas' arm. His voice sounds warm, and Cas smiles towards it. "I'll see you then."
***
When the school bell rings to signal the end of the day, Cas makes his way towards the front gate of the school. He waits there with his cane in one hand and the other fiddling with the strap of his backpack.
People brush past him and talk to each other, laughing and calling out, saying their goodbyes. Cas wishes Dean was here beside him, always a comforting presence, but he quells the thought as soon as it’s there and tries to swallow down the hurt, tight sensation that settles in his throat.
"Castiel?"
Cas turns towards Richard's voice and smiles at him.
"Hi," he says. "Are you ready to leave?"
"Sure," Richard says. From the direction of his voice Cas can tell he's slightly taller than him, like Dean, but he doesn't know much else, wonders if it would be strange to ask.
They start walking along the path and it's silent in a way that Cas isn't used to, like it never is with Dean, and Cas tries to shake the thought from his mind, because this isn't about Dean, and he doesn't want to think about him.
"So, do you live far from school?" Richard asks, breaking Cas' thought process.
"It's about a ten minute walk," Cas says, "A bit less than that I think if I'm hurrying."
"Huh. It's awesome how you... I mean, if I'd..."
It's then he realizes that the awkwardness between them is because Richard is nervous. He smiles, because that calms people down, and he knows what Richard is getting at.
"You're allowed to talk about it, you know. Or ask questions about being blind. I don't mind."
"Sorry," Richard says in a rush of air. "I'm bad at this."
He laughs slightly and Cas smiles, feeling as the pavement dips and he stops, listening for cars before stepping off the curb -- 6 steps forward -- and then steps back up again.
"So, how do you know which way to go?" Richard asks, keeping pace beside him.
"Practice," Cas says, remembering when he'd first started at the school and he'd walked the route a few times at the weekends with Anna or Michael to learn it. "And my cane."
"So you just know when to turn left or whatever?"
"Sure," Cas says. "I count steps if I need to. I know this route well though. Twenty-two steps before we turn right and cross the road."
"That's awesome," Richard says.
Cas isn't sure how to respond to that, because it's always been like this and he doesn’t know anything else. He's grateful the roads are quiet around here, just neighborhood streets with only a few cars.
They keep up an easy conversation, and the periods of time where there are silence are easy to overcome with casual questions. Cas finds out that Richard wants to be a photographer when he's older and that he likes to read. Books are an easy topic of conversation, and it passes the time quickly.
"Here we are," Cas says, walking towards the front door. He opens it and steps inside, hears as Richard shuts the door behind him and starts to shrug off his bag.
"Use any of the hooks to hang anything up," Cas says. "Your shoes can go by the edge of the wall."
"Thanks," he replies.
"And who's this?"
Cas sighs and takes off his sunglasses, slipping them into his pocket. "Gabriel this is Richard, Richard meet my annoying brother, Gabriel."
"Hi," Richard says, all polite. "Nice to meet you."
"Likewise," Gabriel says, in a tone that Cas very much does not trust.
They walk through into the living room, and Cas heads towards the stairs. He fells a hand on his chest, stopping him.
"Hold it, Cas," Gabriel says. "I haven't had a chance to speak to your new friend yet."
"That was the aim," Cas replies, dryly.
"Leave them alone," Anna's voice calls from the kitchen. "Stop being a pest and come help me with dinner."
Gabriel's hand falls from Cas' chest. "We'll talk later at dinner, then."
Cas leads Richard up the stairs and to his bedroom and flicks on the light.
"Sorry about my family," Cas says, flopping down onto the bed.
Richard laughs. "That's okay. Mine are the same. I have three sisters, so I know what big families are like."
"I doubt any of them are as annoying as Gabriel," Cas says. He feels as the bed slightly dips as Richard sits beside him.
"Maybe not. But when I was younger I had to attend several imaginary tea parties in fairy costume, so I guess there are pros and cons to both."
Cas smiles. "I guess that's true, then."
A long moment stretches between them and Cas shifts on the bed.
"Can I...?" He reaches his hand up and places his palm on Richard's cheek. He feels as Richard nods beneath his hand. He traces his fingertips over his cheek and along his jawline, before moving up towards his forehead and down his nose.
He pulls back with a smile. "Sorry. It's just nice to get an idea of who I'm talking to."
"It's fine," Richard says, sounding slightly breathless. "It's fine, Cas."
Cas smiles at him again, and leans forward into the small space that separates them.
***
Dean decides it's time to properly apologize to Cas. He was stuck talking to Professor Moseley at lunch, and he couldn't find Cas after school. Cas must have left early or something, because he stuck around for a while and Cas still never showed up. So now he's going over to Cas', and he's going to tell Cas how sorry he is for acting like a disinterested dick recently.
Michael answers and waves him inside absently, his eyes scanning a wad of paper in his hand. Dean eyes it sympathetically and runs up the stairs to Cas' room.
He knocks three times before opening the door, takes two steps inside, and freezes. Cas and Richard Taylor are kissing.
“Oh my God,” Dean blurts out.
They're already pulling apart, bodies and mouths clumsy. Richard looks over at him, his cheeks flushed pink.
“Dean,” he says, sounding strained, and looks back over at Cas, who’s sitting there silently, a calm expression on his face.
Dean is having trouble processing the scene in front of him. “What? I... You’re -- kissing.”
“Is there a problem, Dean?” Cas asks, turning his head in the direction of the doorway where Dean is standing.
Dean is pulled back to reality by the coolness of Cas’ tone.
“I just didn’t expect it,” Dean says, for lacking of knowing what else to say.
An awkward silence stretches between them.
“I guess, um...” Dean takes a step backwards and awkwardly points towards the door. “I’ll leave you guys to it. I’ll, er, see you later, Cas. Richard.”
“Goodbye, Dean,” Cas says.
Dean walks out of the room and shuts the door behind him, letting out a heavy breath as he does.
He walks downstairs and comes face to face with Gabriel. He's leaning by the hallway that leads to the front door and cocks an eyebrow at Dean once Dean is standing in front of him.
“Honestly. The two of you are as dumb as shit.”
“Leave it, Gabriel,” Dean says, brushing past him.
Gabriel watches him go without saying anything else.
Once outside he feels like he can breathe easier again, but can't ignore the tight, twisted knot in his stomach. He walks home the long way back, hoping it will ease off the strange feeling in his chest, and retreats to his bedroom for the rest of the night, trying to shake the image of Cas and Richard out of his mind.
***
The next few days consist of Dean avoiding Cas, and Cas going places he knows Dean won't be. Cas doesn't see Richard very much, content to be alone, and Dean doesn't see Lisa a lot, either.
Sam thinks they're both idiots.
***
The thing is, Dean’s very, very confused. Never before has he had the problem not knowing what he likes. Dean is normally the sort of guy who knows without a doubt what he hates - cottage pie, chick flicks, when Sam gets all mopey, and what he loves - apple pie, action movies, Sam’s floppy hair (that one’s a secret). So when Dean finds himself typing, am I gay? into google, he feels very lost and a little bit scared.
Ever since seeing Cas making out with Richard, and thinking, apart from the overprotective, fiery feeling in his gut (Richard is totally not good enough for Cas), that it looked pretty hot, Dean has been feeling nervous and confused and pretty insecure about everything.
The first link that comes up is an advice column answering a question sent in by a thirty year old woman. It’s totally not helpful.
He opens a new tab and decides there’s a simpler way to do this. He’s going to carry out a test. He searches for gay porn, and finds himself on a website full of videos. He slowly scrolls through them, feeling even more lost seeing the categories that are there. There are way too many choices, and Dean settles on one that just features a guy sitting on the couch by himself jerking off.
He’s pale, with messy hair and toned abs. He’s slowly stroking himself, his other hand tweaking his nipples. Dean shifts in his chair and maximizes the window so it’s full-screen.
The guy moves the hand on his chest up to his mouth and slips two fingers inside and starts sucking on them. Dean can feel himself getting hard, feels his own hand slip down to loosen his jeans. The guy on-screen is moving his hand that was in his mouth down to his balls, and the camera is positioned in such a way that Dean can see everything as he opens his legs.
He slips a finger behind his balls and starts fucking himself with it, and Dean’s not sure he’s felt this fucking hard in his life. The guy has slipped another finger beside the first and he’s rutting down on his fingers, and back up into his hand that’s around his dick, and he comes on-screen, moaning and clenching around his fingers.
Holy shit.
It doesn’t take long until Dean is jerking himself off and he’s coming in thick, sticky streams over his hand. He comes down slowly, panting, and stares at the screen again.
Well. There's a possibility, Dean thinks, that he isn't as straight as he thought he was.
***
Dean's been avoiding Lisa, and everyone else, for days. He's been thinking this over, dissecting it in every way, and has finally come up with a decision. He finds Lisa in the cafeteria, and walks over to her. He tries not to look in the corner of the room where he knows Cas will be, and focuses on this instead.
“Hey, Lis?” Dean asks. "Can I talk to you?"
Lisa says a quick goodbye to her friends and follows Dean out the hall and into the afternoon sunshine.
He doesn't want to waste any time, and steeling himself, he says, “I’ve got to tell you something.”
Her face suddenly falls and then she lets out a short laugh, shaking her head.
“I can’t say I’m surprised.”
He frowns at her, confused, feeling his palms get sweaty with nerves, the butterflies swarming in his stomach. “What?”
“You’re breaking up with me, right?”
Dean swallows hard and stares at her for a few moments before looking away.
Lisa hums in agreement. “I thought so.”
“I’m so sorry,” Dean says, looking back towards her again. “We're great as friends, and I love hanging out with you. It’s totally not you, I’m just…”
“Save it,” Lisa says, smiling at him. Dean snaps his mouth shut, feeling lost. “Look, Dean. You’re a great guy. You’re going to make someone happy, but I can tell it’s not working between us. Your head is somewhere else and your heart isn't really in it.”
Dean lets out a slow breath of relief.
“You are a fucking awesome girl,” he says.
Lisa laughs and she nods. “Yeah, I know that.”
They stand there for a few moments until Lisa speaks again.
"Let's just try and keep friends though, okay?"
"Definitely," Dean says, quickly. "Like I said: you're awesome."
She grins at him and Dean smiles back. The tightness in his chest loosens, just a little, and there's just one more person he has to have a conversation with to make things right.
***
Dean finds Cas sitting on his doorstep after school.
"Cas? Are you okay?"
He looks up at Dean and stands, slinging his bag over one shoulder. "Yes, I wanted to... I wanted to come over. Is that okay?"
"Sure. Sure it is, dude. Come on in."
Dean opens the door and Cas follows him, leaving his shoes in the hallway. They go up to Dean's bedroom and don't talk again until they're both sitting on Dean's bed.
"I waited for you after school the other day," Dean blurts out. "You weren't there, so I waited some more, but you were with Richard. I mean -- I'm saying this all wrong." He runs a hand through his hair, frustrated. "I'm sorry I walked in on you two."
"It's okay," Cas says, looking uncomfortable.
Nothing more is said on the subject.
“So, I broke up with Lisa,” Dean says, trying to break the awkward silence between them.
Cas looks surprised, and he shifts his body towards him. “I’m sorry to hear that.”
He doesn’t sound cold towards him anymore, but Dean still feels out of place and shitty and not sure what he should or shouldn’t be saying.
“It’s okay. We weren’t working. I don’t think I really wanted to date her in the first place.” He pauses and clears his throat. “How are you and Richard?”
“We’re not dating, Dean. We were never dating.”
“Oh,” Dean says, not sure how to answer that. “I’m sorry?”
Cas smiles at him. “I’m not.”
Dean lets out a slight laugh and shakes his head. “Sorry I freaked out. I just didn’t expect to walk in and see you kissing him. I mean, Richard is a douche.”
“He’s not so bad.”
“Totally not good enough for you, Cas.”
He realizes too late what he’s said but Cas is smiling at him, and like that it feels like the tension that's been surrounding them recently is gone.
"We've been idiots," Dean says, and Cas grins at him.
"We have."
"I'm sorry for putting a girl before you, Cas. I didn't realize what I was doing. You're my best friend, man, and I don't want anyone or anything to get in front of that."
Cas smiles and lets his head drop, resting it on Dean's shoulder. He lets out a soft sigh and Dean wraps an arm around him, giving him a quick, tight squeeze. Cas sits back up again and says, "I'm sorry, too."
Dean clears his throat. "Alright, well before we start crying on each other's shoulders, how about we watch a movie or something? I'll let you choose."
Cas stands up and walks towards the DVD shelf. "Alright. Come tell me what each one of then is, then."
Dean follows him and sits down next to his best friend on the floor, their knees knocking together.
fin.
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