Nightmares - Chapter 3
So this is the end!
Thanks again to my beta, faithsummers80 , and to my dearest afattribble for being my beta and a great cheerleader! Without you this wouldn't be possible!
Chapter one is here, btw: http://skysthelimit-7.livejournal.com/6517.html
Chapter three
It was his voice that woke him - it sounded clear and steady. Spock seemed to be speaking to himself. The meld indeed relieved the pressure of my emotions… Jim helped me to keep the balance. But the consequences are too much, I cannot force this on to…
Spock?
That was when Jim remembered. Spock wasn’t speaking, he was thinking. And their minds were still linked. He opened his eyes to find Spock staring at him, saving every detail of Jim’s face on his memory, carefully - the intense blue of his eyes, every shade of brown from his hair, the color of his lips. Jim saw himself through Spock’s eyes and sighed, needing Spock closer but not wanting to break the bond, since his head was resting on Spock’s hand. Why was Spock thinking all that? Had he been awake all night long? And why did it feel like he was hiding something from him?
“I believe this meld has lasted too long. It may be difficult to break,” Spock said out loud, still thinking about Jim - his soft skin, his smell. Kirk tried very hard to ignore those thoughts and focus on the conversation.
The thing was, he didn’t give a damn about not being able to break the meld. He liked this closeness, giving the other everything you got. It was amazing. And yes, he loved how Spock was thinking of him, the way he saw him. Jim didn’t want all that to end, like… well, never.
“Nevertheless, we will have to break it eventually, Jim.”
Of course, that was an answer to Jim’s not-private-at-all thoughts. Okay, so sometimes this telepathy thing was a pain… But it was still awesome.
Jim closed his eyes, letting his mind wander. He didn’t find any signs of Spock being uncomfortable with this. He didn’t want to end the meld either.
“Yeah, we’ll break it… later. Just let me stay a little longer.”
Very well.
He felt some sort of happiness coming from Spock, then alarm, and he was fast to cover it under a wall. He hadn’t noticed it before, but now it started to grow stronger, covering all of Spock’s feelings carefully, finally leaving Jim with Spock’s thoughts only. The emotions were gone.
Loneliness hit Jim almost instantly.
Don’t, Jim begged. Let me feel it.
I cannot. I must suppress my emotions.
Images of Vulcan, memories about what Spock had been taught. Surak’s philosophy. Jim understood. Spock had hid his strong emotions so he could be himself, so he could regain control. And he needed logic and suppression; especially now.
Okay. Okay.
Spock was taught to control his emotions, to think of them as impure. That was who he was, and Jim wasn’t going to change that, he didn’t want to. But still… Spock was empty now, just thoughts and logic and this huge wall he couldn’t trespass. And he wanted so much to see behind it, to lose himself in there.
Thank you for your understanding, Jim.
He tried to smile, but couldn’t. This emptiness was filling him, leaving him cold.
They were one, but not a whole. Spock seemed so far from him now.
“Are you willing to break the meld now?” Spock asked in a low voice.
No. Yes. Jim didn’t know. He wanted to stay, but now it… hurt. It hurt because Kirk felt so alone, like he was in a small room and the walls around him were closing around him, suffocating him… And he was so exposed, so naked in front of him.
Jim’s hand moved without permission and rested on Spock’s cheek. The Vulcan looked away, but Jim couldn’t tell why by the meld. Of course, he could guess - it was probably because of Jim’s… feelings for him.
“I’m sorry, Spock. I just… You seem so far away right now.”
His friend didn’t answer. Jim sensed something inside of him and Spock trying to fight it while keeping his mind away from the subject so Jim wouldn’t know what this was about.
“Maybe we should… yeah, you know, break it.”
But neither of them moved. Spock wasn’t looking at him and Spock, just look at me. And Spock did. There was something in his eyes… Jim couldn’t tell what it was, but it was something, and maybe…
Jim searched for Spock’s hand and took it in his own, entwining their fingers. The pleasure reverberated inside of them, Spock was seeing inside of him, seeing everything Jim was, and they were kissing - oh my God, he felt him kissing Spock and Spock kissing him and something… something golden inside…
It was gone. Spock broke the kiss.
He was panting, blushing green and damn, it was hot.
“Jim, I cannot. We cannot.”
There was something hidden in Spock’s voice, some rebellious and soon repressed thought he had that said he didn’t really want Jim to stop.
“Why not?”
He knew why. Vulcans didn’t do this, and even if they did, he probably didn’t think that it was wise to start a relationship of any kind with James Kirk, of all people.
That is not true, Spock said in his mind. But it is not wise to engage in any kind of physic relationship with me at the time. I made a mistake melding with you.
“A mistake? Why? It helped you, right?”
Yes.
“Then what’s the problem? I loved the meld and I’d still be great it if you hadn’t cut… whatever. I’m comfortable with you, and I… I think we… fit.”
God, they belonged. They complimented each other. He couldn’t say that, not to Spock, not like this. But shit, Spock just heard it on his mind.
Jim.
He looked at Spock hesitantly. His dark eyes were intense.
I agree.
Jim’s heart sped up suddenly at those two simple words. He agreed? Really? Could he really think something like that?
Spock caressed the back of his hand slowly.
Oh God this was happening, really happening. How could it be?
I have to show you something, Jim. You might not like it.
He nodded, feeling the tension inside Spock.
And the wall inside of Spock broke. Jim closed his eyes, a turmoil of emotions hitting him. It took a while to understand.
There was warmness, Jim Jim Jim, something deep, intense. It was the same thing Jim had inside - it was as if their feelings found each other and sort of mixed.
And… something. It was like a strand linking them, and it was bright like gold, strong like steel. It was Spock and it was Jim all at once. What was it?
It is a bond.
A… wait, a bond? How? Why?
I was not in control of myself last night, Jim. I should not have melded with you. My… feelings mastered me, my mind found yours, and I did not realize the bond was being created until it was too late.
Oh.
So Spock felt for Jim just like he did for Spock and that’s why the bond…
Oh.
Jim couldn’t believe this.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
Spock looked away.
“I did not know how to tell you.” And it grew even more. I tried to hide it until I found the way to break it, but I could not do it. I… I wanted this bond to last a few more hours. It gave me stability.
It wasn’t about stability. Now there was no wall and Jim could see the truth. Spock had wanted to stay this way a little longer because it felt so good.
He does not disapprove?, he heard softly on Spock’s mind.
“No, I… I guess I’m just surprised that you… I mean, that you feel…” this. He let his feelings escape and show him.
This, that we fit.
And just then Spock realized that Jim didn’t want to break the bond. Not now, probably not ever. And the gold grew brighter and the steel stronger.
It has been proved that we complement each other in many ways, Jim.
Like last night?
Spock didn’t smile on the outside, but Jim felt it inside.
Yes. Therefore, it is only logical to agree with you in that statement.
Jim grinned.
Spock’s eyes sparkled like a star on an empty sky. He smiled without smiling. They got closer, closer, and still it wasn’t enough.
Jim looked at those huge, dark eyes, wanting Spock to tell him. He needed to hear it, or he wouldn’t be able to believe it. Because come on, it was Spock and him they were talking about! The most unbelievable thing in the universe just happened. Who would’ve guessed, huh?
Spock caressed Jim’s hand slowly with his sensitive fingers, watching him through half-closed eyes.
“Indeed, Jim”, he told him through the bond and lips at the same time. “We belong.”
*** A/N:
Hope you liked it!
I'd just like to say that comments are very important to us authors, 'cause it takes time and effort to write these things. Even if you didn't like it, say it! If I don't know what went wrong I can't fix it ;)
Thank you all for reading!
Thanks again to my beta, faithsummers80 , and to my dearest afattribble for being my beta and a great cheerleader! Without you this wouldn't be possible!
Chapter one is here, btw: http://skysthelimit-7.livejournal.com/6517.html
Chapter three
It was his voice that woke him - it sounded clear and steady. Spock seemed to be speaking to himself. The meld indeed relieved the pressure of my emotions… Jim helped me to keep the balance. But the consequences are too much, I cannot force this on to…
Spock?
That was when Jim remembered. Spock wasn’t speaking, he was thinking. And their minds were still linked. He opened his eyes to find Spock staring at him, saving every detail of Jim’s face on his memory, carefully - the intense blue of his eyes, every shade of brown from his hair, the color of his lips. Jim saw himself through Spock’s eyes and sighed, needing Spock closer but not wanting to break the bond, since his head was resting on Spock’s hand. Why was Spock thinking all that? Had he been awake all night long? And why did it feel like he was hiding something from him?
“I believe this meld has lasted too long. It may be difficult to break,” Spock said out loud, still thinking about Jim - his soft skin, his smell. Kirk tried very hard to ignore those thoughts and focus on the conversation.
The thing was, he didn’t give a damn about not being able to break the meld. He liked this closeness, giving the other everything you got. It was amazing. And yes, he loved how Spock was thinking of him, the way he saw him. Jim didn’t want all that to end, like… well, never.
“Nevertheless, we will have to break it eventually, Jim.”
Of course, that was an answer to Jim’s not-private-at-all thoughts. Okay, so sometimes this telepathy thing was a pain… But it was still awesome.
Jim closed his eyes, letting his mind wander. He didn’t find any signs of Spock being uncomfortable with this. He didn’t want to end the meld either.
“Yeah, we’ll break it… later. Just let me stay a little longer.”
Very well.
He felt some sort of happiness coming from Spock, then alarm, and he was fast to cover it under a wall. He hadn’t noticed it before, but now it started to grow stronger, covering all of Spock’s feelings carefully, finally leaving Jim with Spock’s thoughts only. The emotions were gone.
Loneliness hit Jim almost instantly.
Don’t, Jim begged. Let me feel it.
I cannot. I must suppress my emotions.
Images of Vulcan, memories about what Spock had been taught. Surak’s philosophy. Jim understood. Spock had hid his strong emotions so he could be himself, so he could regain control. And he needed logic and suppression; especially now.
Okay. Okay.
Spock was taught to control his emotions, to think of them as impure. That was who he was, and Jim wasn’t going to change that, he didn’t want to. But still… Spock was empty now, just thoughts and logic and this huge wall he couldn’t trespass. And he wanted so much to see behind it, to lose himself in there.
Thank you for your understanding, Jim.
He tried to smile, but couldn’t. This emptiness was filling him, leaving him cold.
They were one, but not a whole. Spock seemed so far from him now.
“Are you willing to break the meld now?” Spock asked in a low voice.
No. Yes. Jim didn’t know. He wanted to stay, but now it… hurt. It hurt because Kirk felt so alone, like he was in a small room and the walls around him were closing around him, suffocating him… And he was so exposed, so naked in front of him.
Jim’s hand moved without permission and rested on Spock’s cheek. The Vulcan looked away, but Jim couldn’t tell why by the meld. Of course, he could guess - it was probably because of Jim’s… feelings for him.
“I’m sorry, Spock. I just… You seem so far away right now.”
His friend didn’t answer. Jim sensed something inside of him and Spock trying to fight it while keeping his mind away from the subject so Jim wouldn’t know what this was about.
“Maybe we should… yeah, you know, break it.”
But neither of them moved. Spock wasn’t looking at him and Spock, just look at me. And Spock did. There was something in his eyes… Jim couldn’t tell what it was, but it was something, and maybe…
Jim searched for Spock’s hand and took it in his own, entwining their fingers. The pleasure reverberated inside of them, Spock was seeing inside of him, seeing everything Jim was, and they were kissing - oh my God, he felt him kissing Spock and Spock kissing him and something… something golden inside…
It was gone. Spock broke the kiss.
He was panting, blushing green and damn, it was hot.
“Jim, I cannot. We cannot.”
There was something hidden in Spock’s voice, some rebellious and soon repressed thought he had that said he didn’t really want Jim to stop.
“Why not?”
He knew why. Vulcans didn’t do this, and even if they did, he probably didn’t think that it was wise to start a relationship of any kind with James Kirk, of all people.
That is not true, Spock said in his mind. But it is not wise to engage in any kind of physic relationship with me at the time. I made a mistake melding with you.
“A mistake? Why? It helped you, right?”
Yes.
“Then what’s the problem? I loved the meld and I’d still be great it if you hadn’t cut… whatever. I’m comfortable with you, and I… I think we… fit.”
God, they belonged. They complimented each other. He couldn’t say that, not to Spock, not like this. But shit, Spock just heard it on his mind.
Jim.
He looked at Spock hesitantly. His dark eyes were intense.
I agree.
Jim’s heart sped up suddenly at those two simple words. He agreed? Really? Could he really think something like that?
Spock caressed the back of his hand slowly.
Oh God this was happening, really happening. How could it be?
I have to show you something, Jim. You might not like it.
He nodded, feeling the tension inside Spock.
And the wall inside of Spock broke. Jim closed his eyes, a turmoil of emotions hitting him. It took a while to understand.
There was warmness, Jim Jim Jim, something deep, intense. It was the same thing Jim had inside - it was as if their feelings found each other and sort of mixed.
And… something. It was like a strand linking them, and it was bright like gold, strong like steel. It was Spock and it was Jim all at once. What was it?
It is a bond.
A… wait, a bond? How? Why?
I was not in control of myself last night, Jim. I should not have melded with you. My… feelings mastered me, my mind found yours, and I did not realize the bond was being created until it was too late.
Oh.
So Spock felt for Jim just like he did for Spock and that’s why the bond…
Oh.
Jim couldn’t believe this.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
Spock looked away.
“I did not know how to tell you.” And it grew even more. I tried to hide it until I found the way to break it, but I could not do it. I… I wanted this bond to last a few more hours. It gave me stability.
It wasn’t about stability. Now there was no wall and Jim could see the truth. Spock had wanted to stay this way a little longer because it felt so good.
He does not disapprove?, he heard softly on Spock’s mind.
“No, I… I guess I’m just surprised that you… I mean, that you feel…” this. He let his feelings escape and show him.
This, that we fit.
And just then Spock realized that Jim didn’t want to break the bond. Not now, probably not ever. And the gold grew brighter and the steel stronger.
It has been proved that we complement each other in many ways, Jim.
Like last night?
Spock didn’t smile on the outside, but Jim felt it inside.
Yes. Therefore, it is only logical to agree with you in that statement.
Jim grinned.
Spock’s eyes sparkled like a star on an empty sky. He smiled without smiling. They got closer, closer, and still it wasn’t enough.
Jim looked at those huge, dark eyes, wanting Spock to tell him. He needed to hear it, or he wouldn’t be able to believe it. Because come on, it was Spock and him they were talking about! The most unbelievable thing in the universe just happened. Who would’ve guessed, huh?
Spock caressed Jim’s hand slowly with his sensitive fingers, watching him through half-closed eyes.
“Indeed, Jim”, he told him through the bond and lips at the same time. “We belong.”
*** A/N:
Hope you liked it!
I'd just like to say that comments are very important to us authors, 'cause it takes time and effort to write these things. Even if you didn't like it, say it! If I don't know what went wrong I can't fix it ;)
Thank you all for reading!