your rhymes feel very forced, and a little cliche. Cavernous chest Cavity Caged beast Locked up Needs release Pressure on my chest my main suggestion is to describe this "pressure" in more depth. what does it feel like at its worst? what can you compare it to? right now, i can't relate to anything in this poem because you haven't shown me, you've only told me.
i understand the fragmented style, but it gets a little boring toward the end. don't get stuck in a box when it comes to how long your lines "should" be; if it flows, it's fine. and lastly, the end of a great poem should hook you in by pulling together ideas mentioned before... the ending should make people cry.
Thanks for the good critique, I get what you are saying. Hopefully it can only get better. I wrote more in my actual journal if you want to give me your thoughts on them.
Comments 2
Cavernous chest
Cavity
Caged beast
Locked up
Needs release
Pressure on my chest
my main suggestion is to describe this "pressure" in more depth. what does it feel like at its worst? what can you compare it to? right now, i can't relate to anything in this poem because you haven't shown me, you've only told me.
i understand the fragmented style, but it gets a little boring toward the end. don't get stuck in a box when it comes to how long your lines "should" be; if it flows, it's fine. and lastly, the end of a great poem should hook you in by pulling together ideas mentioned before... the ending should make people cry.
good luck!
drew
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