"You Don't Know Me" chapter two
Series: You Don't Know Me
Chapter 2: That's All I’ve Ever Been
Summary: Rodney comes to a realization. Will anything be the same?
A/N: There *will* be a part 3, as soon as I get Rodney-muse to stop talking and let Carson tell his side of things.
Chapter 2: That's All I’ve Ever Been
by Kaytee
Two weeks later, Rodney and John were returning from yet another hectic lives-in-danger-but-it-mostly-worked-out-okay mission.
Rodney was good-naturedly bickering with John on the way back to the gate and through the gateroom towards
sickbay. Rodney was complaining in the way he did when they'd had another near-death situation where things had turned in their favor at the last possible moment, as a stress-reliever to let out the stark fear and panic he'd been holding in for hours. This scenario was becoming too commonplace for his peace of mind.
Rodney had started to notice over the last few weeks, when he stopped to notice anything besides his lab and the latest Ancient device his team found, this vague growing unease and anxiety, tugging at the edge of his nerves.
He'd unconsciously begun seeking Carson out more and more, needing the touches that soothed him and pushed
the anxiety back again. For a while, the missions had been a bit more routine with less injuries Rodney
could use to justifiably claim another bit of Carson's time.
It'd gotten so bad that he'd actually gone to Carson over a papercut last week. Carson had looked at him a bit strangely, his too-perceptive eyes probing him for a long moment. Then something shifted in his eyes and he was smiling gently and once again checking his injury and giving him another lecture on staying safe and out of harm's way.
Rodney had tried very hard for days not to think about the way Carson had looked at him. Dammit. He knows something, or suspects something. That wasn't supposed to happen, not allowed to happen.
If Carson figured out why Rodney sought him out so much, things would change. The soothing touches that
Rodney craved like oxygen would slowly cease as the doctor would suddenly become very "busy," and he'd be reduced to seeing some nurse instead.
At least today, he had a semi-justifiable injury; some cuts on his hand given by an annoyingly xenophobic "kill first and ask questions never" group of settlers. He watched and waited as Carson treated the slightly more serious wounds John had received, some similar cuts on his hands and chest as well as a possibly broken rib.
Standing back and simply observing his friend being patched up by the man he loved gave Rodney a strange
sort of perspective, as though he was watching from outside his body.
He watched them banter a bit, almost like a well-rehearsed play, with Carson playing the concerned, scolding doctor and John playing the pretending-to-be-sheepish soldier who got beat up and hurt far too often. They had such easygoing chemistry, with John pretending to be in earnest about following Carson's directive to be more careful while Carson pretended to believe him. It was so normal. Rodney felt like an interloper, an outsider, trying to insert himself where he didn't belong. The way he'd felt most of his entire life, outside of his lab.
He had a sudden realization; Carson was never going to love him back.
There was little reason for him to care for the arrogant annoying scientist, especially with all of the people who genuinely liked and appreciated Carson. All the people who watched him like Rodney watched him. All of them with a hundred times better personality and charm and grasp of social graces.
He didn't deserve Carson. Logically, the probability that he could make him happy for an extended period was so low that it made Rodney's gut clench. It'd all been hopeless wishful thinking, a dream he'd clung to when he'd been terrified and overwhelmed. A delusional wish made by a fool.
That's all I've ever been.
His shoulders sagging with defeat and bowing to the inevitable, Rodney did the only thing he could do. He turned around and walked away.
Chapter 2: That's All I’ve Ever Been
Summary: Rodney comes to a realization. Will anything be the same?
A/N: There *will* be a part 3, as soon as I get Rodney-muse to stop talking and let Carson tell his side of things.
Chapter 2: That's All I’ve Ever Been
by Kaytee
Two weeks later, Rodney and John were returning from yet another hectic lives-in-danger-but-it-mostly-worked-out-okay mission.
Rodney was good-naturedly bickering with John on the way back to the gate and through the gateroom towards
sickbay. Rodney was complaining in the way he did when they'd had another near-death situation where things had turned in their favor at the last possible moment, as a stress-reliever to let out the stark fear and panic he'd been holding in for hours. This scenario was becoming too commonplace for his peace of mind.
Rodney had started to notice over the last few weeks, when he stopped to notice anything besides his lab and the latest Ancient device his team found, this vague growing unease and anxiety, tugging at the edge of his nerves.
He'd unconsciously begun seeking Carson out more and more, needing the touches that soothed him and pushed
the anxiety back again. For a while, the missions had been a bit more routine with less injuries Rodney
could use to justifiably claim another bit of Carson's time.
It'd gotten so bad that he'd actually gone to Carson over a papercut last week. Carson had looked at him a bit strangely, his too-perceptive eyes probing him for a long moment. Then something shifted in his eyes and he was smiling gently and once again checking his injury and giving him another lecture on staying safe and out of harm's way.
Rodney had tried very hard for days not to think about the way Carson had looked at him. Dammit. He knows something, or suspects something. That wasn't supposed to happen, not allowed to happen.
If Carson figured out why Rodney sought him out so much, things would change. The soothing touches that
Rodney craved like oxygen would slowly cease as the doctor would suddenly become very "busy," and he'd be reduced to seeing some nurse instead.
At least today, he had a semi-justifiable injury; some cuts on his hand given by an annoyingly xenophobic "kill first and ask questions never" group of settlers. He watched and waited as Carson treated the slightly more serious wounds John had received, some similar cuts on his hands and chest as well as a possibly broken rib.
Standing back and simply observing his friend being patched up by the man he loved gave Rodney a strange
sort of perspective, as though he was watching from outside his body.
He watched them banter a bit, almost like a well-rehearsed play, with Carson playing the concerned, scolding doctor and John playing the pretending-to-be-sheepish soldier who got beat up and hurt far too often. They had such easygoing chemistry, with John pretending to be in earnest about following Carson's directive to be more careful while Carson pretended to believe him. It was so normal. Rodney felt like an interloper, an outsider, trying to insert himself where he didn't belong. The way he'd felt most of his entire life, outside of his lab.
He had a sudden realization; Carson was never going to love him back.
There was little reason for him to care for the arrogant annoying scientist, especially with all of the people who genuinely liked and appreciated Carson. All the people who watched him like Rodney watched him. All of them with a hundred times better personality and charm and grasp of social graces.
He didn't deserve Carson. Logically, the probability that he could make him happy for an extended period was so low that it made Rodney's gut clench. It'd all been hopeless wishful thinking, a dream he'd clung to when he'd been terrified and overwhelmed. A delusional wish made by a fool.
That's all I've ever been.
His shoulders sagging with defeat and bowing to the inevitable, Rodney did the only thing he could do. He turned around and walked away.