The Life of Kalinda Sharma
Title: The Life of Kalinda Sharma (2/4)
Characters: Kalinda, Alicia
Rating: M - for language
Summary: Kalinda meets Alicia! Emotions ensue. Around 2000 words.
Part 1
Those mornings when Kalinda would wake up and forget where and who she was, became less and less frequent as time went on. During her first year in the small apartment she had purchased, it was common occurrence for Kalinda to dream of the hungry flames which had consumed her past life. A wave of muscle spasms would jolt her into the dazed state of half consciousness. She had no idea where the empty, white walls belonged. It sickened her that the single thing able to bring her back to the present was Peter's face, ugly through the impure pleasure she had given him. It was a phantom her mind refused to remove.
The night after Kalinda spent with Peter, she had wanted so badly to cry. She didn't know why, and it made no sense. But the second she had closed the door to her motel room, she slid down it to sit on the ground and concentrate solely on not crying. Why are motels so goddamned gloomy?
After nearly three years of working for Peter, Kalinda had enough money and a big enough network to break free from her tainted job. And then Glenn Childs contacted her. She couldn't say no to putting a kink in Peter's good guy façade. There was a secret, private celebration consisting of wine and chocolate chip cookies when Kalinda learned Peter was going to jail.
By the time Kalinda learned that Alicia Florrick was taking a job at Stern-Lockhart-Gardner, she was beyond feeling guilty. She was actually disgusted by the faceless figure of Alicia; the idea that anyone could be so blissfully ignorant. Kalinda was sure she would only have to put up with Alicia for a few weeks before stress killed the sheltered woman - before she decided being a librarian was a better life for her.
**
"Come on. Its a Stern-Lockhart tradition. Your first jury trial - shot of tequila. Let's go."
Alicia reassured herself with a breathy, "Okay" before bouncing the shot glass off of the counter and downing the tequila, shaking her head and squeeling in shock at the strength of the alcohol.
"Yeah, I just made that up."
Kalinda took her shot, and then honest-to-god giggled. She couldn't remember the last time she truly giggled. But she was too busy being happy to remember that.
"Sounded good though, didn't it?"
For a while, Kalinda pretended that she was simply protecting herself. Being friendly with Alicia would enable her to keep close tabs on the woman. Learning what made her tick, what her facial expressions and body language meant, to know when she was upset. If Alicia ever began to figure out anything about Kalinda's time with Peter, about her past - or the lack of - Kalinda could steer her quietly off track. She would keep both their lives in tact for at least that much longer.
Keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer. At one time, Kalinda thought of fucking Alicia too. Leveling the playing field - a blackmail of sorts. But Alicia was too perfect for that. As quickly as the thougt had appeared, Kalinda killed it and refused to think of it again. For more than just one reason.
Somewhere along the line, however, something changed, and Kalinda found herself making all the initiating moves towards friendship.
**
Kalinda had become a frequent visitor of a bar. A bar filled with warm colors and shadows. If she dared think about it - this was the same bar she had visited after her first encounter in Peter's office. But the tequila helped her to forget that. And Alicia helped. She rarely visited that bar without Alicia anymore. They talked about everything under those dim, red lights. Mostly about Will. Some about work, some about her kids, and every once and a while about Peter's trial (even though Kalinda hated talking about that, she was always ready for Alicia to vent to. When did she become so damned caring?)
"Are you gay?"
Kalinda however, hated talking about herself. It was a rule she had made up near the beginning - one of the 'Ten Commandments' she liked to call them. Even though there were only seven .
"Oh come on. We were talking about every single little detail of my life. Its a sinple question."
"I'm... I'm private."
"Ugh. Come on!"
"What does it matter?"
"It doesn't."
"Then why'd you want to know?"
Kalinda had become a master of deflection over the years. Hiding her weaknesses from the world outside her shell. But for some reason, slightly drunk Alicia dulled those abilities. Thankfully, slightly drunk Alicia was, well, slow. And she didn't notice Kalinda's lack of denial. Because Kalinda didn't discriminate - she would sleep with anyone who could get her something; regardless of sex, or marital status. Kalinda wouldn't lie to Alicia when she could afford the truth.
"Because I do. And how is this fair? I talk about everything."
"I didn't say it was.You like to talk about your life. I don't like to talk about mine." Because I burned down my old life and traded this one for sex with your husband - something I'd rather keep to myself.
She was always overwhelmed by the emotion Alicia was able to awake in her, without even knowing she was doing it.
Being friends with Alicia was like standing out on an airplane, unsure if the parachute would work. Kalinda felt such a thrill every time she saw Alicia. A jolt of adrenalin would surge through her body as Alicia would smile at her. In those moments, she was ready to jump, ready to expose all her flaws and failures to Alicia. But the second Alicia left her sight, common sense would return. Kalinda was sure that Alicia would never accept her if she knew. Kalinda would retreat back into the safety of the airplane.
But more often than she liked to admit, Kalinda would feel the urge to jump - to feel the air wrapping its arms around her, the sensation of falling. For Alicia.
**
"My son has a crush on you."
Alicia leaned forward and poked Kalinda's shoulder. Her breath smelled strongly of liquor and her movements were fluid. Kalinda simply rolled her eyes and sipped the drink Alicia had poured her. Both of their feet were burrowed under the light grey comforter on Alicia's bed.
"No, I'm serious!"
"I know you are."
"You should have seen the way he looked at you."
Kalinda shifted in the bed, careful not to spill her large glass of wine. After Carter Wright on death row, had been given his life back, Kalinda returned to Alicia's door to check on her. They had spent nearly the whole day in Alicia’s room, fighting for this man's life, and Kalinda was sure Alicia was marinating in the heavy emotion still floating around it. Kalinda told herself it was just like after work drinks at a bar, but she knew it was so much more personal than that; being in Alicia's house for no other reason than to see her. They had quickly transitioned from individual coolers to sharing a large bottle of wine between them - a dark mahogany wine over the stainless bedspread.
"My horoscope said a young, dark haired man would walk into my life"
They laughed not so much at Zach's new fascination, but at the idea of Kalinda reading a horoscope. Alicia's laugh reverberated off the walls like wedding bells and Kalinda thought she would never tire of hearing that. The two friends clinked their crystal glasses together and took a sip of the wine. It was very possibly the best wine Kalinda had ever tasted, regardless of the disclaimer Alicia had given when she pulled it from the back of the pantry. Or maybe it was just the circumstances.
As their laughter subsided, silence nestled its way between them. It was a comfortable silence which both loved and protected. Alicia’s thoughts had obviously transitioned as she stared at the door on the wall opposite them, unblinking. Kalinda studied Alicia's face - memorizing every laugh line. She could have gone on for hours like that, sitting in silence with Alicia.
Kalinda knew that this type of friendship was rare. Alicia made her forget everything that had happened in her life. Alicia made her forget completely about protecting herself and left Kalinda open and vulnerable. The only thing she could think about while they were together was to protect Alicia from the horrors of the world. And she tried. Oh, how she tried to be the perfect one for her friend. Sometimes she felt successful. Alicia knew she would do anything to protect her. But she mostly felt like a hypocrite - knowing that she, herself, would be the one to hurt Alicia the most if anyone ever found out.
Alicia leaned forward and brought her knees to her chest as Kalinda simply watched. There was no need to break the silence as they sat separately, together. Turning her head, Alicia rested her cheek on her knee and looked at the woman sitting just an arms length away on her bed. Kalinda smiled gently, making eye contact as she waited for Alicia to interrupt the peaceful silence. She couldn't bring herself to shatter it, the perfect moment of friendship. Alicia always brought a small dose of Leela back.
"Peter used to sleep right there" Alicia nodded towards Kalinda.
Kalinda froze, unable to move or think as she focused on not throwing herself out of the bed immediately. The peace was slaughtered by complete and utter terror. Every part of her skin which touched the plush fabric where Peter had laid his head burned as if she were in hell. And she was - her own personal hell. Kalinda pulled her feet out from under the blanket. The black stockings on her bootless feet lay in cruel contrast to the light. She hadn't even thought of Peter ever being in this bed before. How stupid.
Kalinda must have done a decent job masking her sudden horror with slight surprise. Alicia looked at her with understanding. After all, the topic had come out of nowhere. And Kalinda was terrible with emotions.
"I'm sorry. It’s just... Sometimes I wonder what happened."
Kalinda waited, unable to do anything else.
"I'm making him sleep in a different room." Alicia took a massive gulp of wine. It suddenly wasn't strong enough.
"Good for you." It was all Kalinda could manage to say before mirroring Alicia's intake of wine. And then even more. Alicia's featured softened a little as she shook her head.
"I knew you'd say something like that" she laughed.
And just like that, Kalinda was safe again. She would have to be more wary of these extended silences in the future. They were the quiet before the most monstrous storms Kalinda could ever face.
**
When Kalinda gave Alicia her new address, scrawled on a little folded slip of paper, she had never felt closer to anyone in her life. There was no doubt about it - Kalinda loved Alicia. Not a lustful, burning passion sort of love. But a constantly burning candle which lit up the darkness enough to be a guiding light, the love of a friend in the black world. And it was mutual feeling. Kalinda had never felt that way about anyone ever, and never expected the emotion to be reciprocated. She suddenly needed to make a leap. Fuck the risk. If Alicia knew where Kalinda lived, if she ever came to the minimally decorated apartment, Kalinda would feel nothing but safe. And Alicia would treasure the gift. Kalinda knew that much.
It had taken nearly two years for Kalinda to get to this point. To let everything go and simply move forward in their friendship. There was another dimension to Kalinda - trust.
Characters: Kalinda, Alicia
Rating: M - for language
Summary: Kalinda meets Alicia! Emotions ensue. Around 2000 words.
Part 1
Those mornings when Kalinda would wake up and forget where and who she was, became less and less frequent as time went on. During her first year in the small apartment she had purchased, it was common occurrence for Kalinda to dream of the hungry flames which had consumed her past life. A wave of muscle spasms would jolt her into the dazed state of half consciousness. She had no idea where the empty, white walls belonged. It sickened her that the single thing able to bring her back to the present was Peter's face, ugly through the impure pleasure she had given him. It was a phantom her mind refused to remove.
The night after Kalinda spent with Peter, she had wanted so badly to cry. She didn't know why, and it made no sense. But the second she had closed the door to her motel room, she slid down it to sit on the ground and concentrate solely on not crying. Why are motels so goddamned gloomy?
After nearly three years of working for Peter, Kalinda had enough money and a big enough network to break free from her tainted job. And then Glenn Childs contacted her. She couldn't say no to putting a kink in Peter's good guy façade. There was a secret, private celebration consisting of wine and chocolate chip cookies when Kalinda learned Peter was going to jail.
By the time Kalinda learned that Alicia Florrick was taking a job at Stern-Lockhart-Gardner, she was beyond feeling guilty. She was actually disgusted by the faceless figure of Alicia; the idea that anyone could be so blissfully ignorant. Kalinda was sure she would only have to put up with Alicia for a few weeks before stress killed the sheltered woman - before she decided being a librarian was a better life for her.
**
"Come on. Its a Stern-Lockhart tradition. Your first jury trial - shot of tequila. Let's go."
Alicia reassured herself with a breathy, "Okay" before bouncing the shot glass off of the counter and downing the tequila, shaking her head and squeeling in shock at the strength of the alcohol.
"Yeah, I just made that up."
Kalinda took her shot, and then honest-to-god giggled. She couldn't remember the last time she truly giggled. But she was too busy being happy to remember that.
"Sounded good though, didn't it?"
For a while, Kalinda pretended that she was simply protecting herself. Being friendly with Alicia would enable her to keep close tabs on the woman. Learning what made her tick, what her facial expressions and body language meant, to know when she was upset. If Alicia ever began to figure out anything about Kalinda's time with Peter, about her past - or the lack of - Kalinda could steer her quietly off track. She would keep both their lives in tact for at least that much longer.
Keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer. At one time, Kalinda thought of fucking Alicia too. Leveling the playing field - a blackmail of sorts. But Alicia was too perfect for that. As quickly as the thougt had appeared, Kalinda killed it and refused to think of it again. For more than just one reason.
Somewhere along the line, however, something changed, and Kalinda found herself making all the initiating moves towards friendship.
**
Kalinda had become a frequent visitor of a bar. A bar filled with warm colors and shadows. If she dared think about it - this was the same bar she had visited after her first encounter in Peter's office. But the tequila helped her to forget that. And Alicia helped. She rarely visited that bar without Alicia anymore. They talked about everything under those dim, red lights. Mostly about Will. Some about work, some about her kids, and every once and a while about Peter's trial (even though Kalinda hated talking about that, she was always ready for Alicia to vent to. When did she become so damned caring?)
"Are you gay?"
Kalinda however, hated talking about herself. It was a rule she had made up near the beginning - one of the 'Ten Commandments' she liked to call them. Even though there were only seven .
"Oh come on. We were talking about every single little detail of my life. Its a sinple question."
"I'm... I'm private."
"Ugh. Come on!"
"What does it matter?"
"It doesn't."
"Then why'd you want to know?"
Kalinda had become a master of deflection over the years. Hiding her weaknesses from the world outside her shell. But for some reason, slightly drunk Alicia dulled those abilities. Thankfully, slightly drunk Alicia was, well, slow. And she didn't notice Kalinda's lack of denial. Because Kalinda didn't discriminate - she would sleep with anyone who could get her something; regardless of sex, or marital status. Kalinda wouldn't lie to Alicia when she could afford the truth.
"Because I do. And how is this fair? I talk about everything."
"I didn't say it was.You like to talk about your life. I don't like to talk about mine." Because I burned down my old life and traded this one for sex with your husband - something I'd rather keep to myself.
She was always overwhelmed by the emotion Alicia was able to awake in her, without even knowing she was doing it.
Being friends with Alicia was like standing out on an airplane, unsure if the parachute would work. Kalinda felt such a thrill every time she saw Alicia. A jolt of adrenalin would surge through her body as Alicia would smile at her. In those moments, she was ready to jump, ready to expose all her flaws and failures to Alicia. But the second Alicia left her sight, common sense would return. Kalinda was sure that Alicia would never accept her if she knew. Kalinda would retreat back into the safety of the airplane.
But more often than she liked to admit, Kalinda would feel the urge to jump - to feel the air wrapping its arms around her, the sensation of falling. For Alicia.
**
"My son has a crush on you."
Alicia leaned forward and poked Kalinda's shoulder. Her breath smelled strongly of liquor and her movements were fluid. Kalinda simply rolled her eyes and sipped the drink Alicia had poured her. Both of their feet were burrowed under the light grey comforter on Alicia's bed.
"No, I'm serious!"
"I know you are."
"You should have seen the way he looked at you."
Kalinda shifted in the bed, careful not to spill her large glass of wine. After Carter Wright on death row, had been given his life back, Kalinda returned to Alicia's door to check on her. They had spent nearly the whole day in Alicia’s room, fighting for this man's life, and Kalinda was sure Alicia was marinating in the heavy emotion still floating around it. Kalinda told herself it was just like after work drinks at a bar, but she knew it was so much more personal than that; being in Alicia's house for no other reason than to see her. They had quickly transitioned from individual coolers to sharing a large bottle of wine between them - a dark mahogany wine over the stainless bedspread.
"My horoscope said a young, dark haired man would walk into my life"
They laughed not so much at Zach's new fascination, but at the idea of Kalinda reading a horoscope. Alicia's laugh reverberated off the walls like wedding bells and Kalinda thought she would never tire of hearing that. The two friends clinked their crystal glasses together and took a sip of the wine. It was very possibly the best wine Kalinda had ever tasted, regardless of the disclaimer Alicia had given when she pulled it from the back of the pantry. Or maybe it was just the circumstances.
As their laughter subsided, silence nestled its way between them. It was a comfortable silence which both loved and protected. Alicia’s thoughts had obviously transitioned as she stared at the door on the wall opposite them, unblinking. Kalinda studied Alicia's face - memorizing every laugh line. She could have gone on for hours like that, sitting in silence with Alicia.
Kalinda knew that this type of friendship was rare. Alicia made her forget everything that had happened in her life. Alicia made her forget completely about protecting herself and left Kalinda open and vulnerable. The only thing she could think about while they were together was to protect Alicia from the horrors of the world. And she tried. Oh, how she tried to be the perfect one for her friend. Sometimes she felt successful. Alicia knew she would do anything to protect her. But she mostly felt like a hypocrite - knowing that she, herself, would be the one to hurt Alicia the most if anyone ever found out.
Alicia leaned forward and brought her knees to her chest as Kalinda simply watched. There was no need to break the silence as they sat separately, together. Turning her head, Alicia rested her cheek on her knee and looked at the woman sitting just an arms length away on her bed. Kalinda smiled gently, making eye contact as she waited for Alicia to interrupt the peaceful silence. She couldn't bring herself to shatter it, the perfect moment of friendship. Alicia always brought a small dose of Leela back.
"Peter used to sleep right there" Alicia nodded towards Kalinda.
Kalinda froze, unable to move or think as she focused on not throwing herself out of the bed immediately. The peace was slaughtered by complete and utter terror. Every part of her skin which touched the plush fabric where Peter had laid his head burned as if she were in hell. And she was - her own personal hell. Kalinda pulled her feet out from under the blanket. The black stockings on her bootless feet lay in cruel contrast to the light. She hadn't even thought of Peter ever being in this bed before. How stupid.
Kalinda must have done a decent job masking her sudden horror with slight surprise. Alicia looked at her with understanding. After all, the topic had come out of nowhere. And Kalinda was terrible with emotions.
"I'm sorry. It’s just... Sometimes I wonder what happened."
Kalinda waited, unable to do anything else.
"I'm making him sleep in a different room." Alicia took a massive gulp of wine. It suddenly wasn't strong enough.
"Good for you." It was all Kalinda could manage to say before mirroring Alicia's intake of wine. And then even more. Alicia's featured softened a little as she shook her head.
"I knew you'd say something like that" she laughed.
And just like that, Kalinda was safe again. She would have to be more wary of these extended silences in the future. They were the quiet before the most monstrous storms Kalinda could ever face.
**
When Kalinda gave Alicia her new address, scrawled on a little folded slip of paper, she had never felt closer to anyone in her life. There was no doubt about it - Kalinda loved Alicia. Not a lustful, burning passion sort of love. But a constantly burning candle which lit up the darkness enough to be a guiding light, the love of a friend in the black world. And it was mutual feeling. Kalinda had never felt that way about anyone ever, and never expected the emotion to be reciprocated. She suddenly needed to make a leap. Fuck the risk. If Alicia knew where Kalinda lived, if she ever came to the minimally decorated apartment, Kalinda would feel nothing but safe. And Alicia would treasure the gift. Kalinda knew that much.
It had taken nearly two years for Kalinda to get to this point. To let everything go and simply move forward in their friendship. There was another dimension to Kalinda - trust.