Well, I did it.
There are only three people who know about this, which should tell you something. But, I did something tonight that was a long time coming, and I'm glad I did it. What is it, might you ask?
But, not in THAT capacity. I'm no idiot.
Now, before you start cussing me and calling me all these names, let's take a step back and let me explain exactly why I did this. I did this for me. Because I have a freakish need for closure. Too often I hear people say that they "never got the closure they needed to really get past something". So, I took this opportunity to contact Stephanie and hash things out with her.
I actually emailed her a few weeks ago, but this only happened tonight. We've talked through emails a few times back and forth, and I knew that I needed to be done with this. See, I scared myself for a year and a half. I had no idea that I had the capacity to hate someone so thoroughly and completely as I did her. I didn't like who I was turning in to while I harbored that hatred for her in my heart.
Remember that post a few weeks ago, when I said that I realized that I wasn't being the person I believed in my heart that I was supposed to be? Well, that sentiment spurned this change in my feelings toward this situation. I realized that I wasn't being myself. I was just reacting to what happened. I wasn't being proactive about it. So, I knew what I had to do.
Give her the chance to apologize, face to face, and for me to finally say all that I needed to say, and let her have my forgiveness. And that's exactly what happened.
I couldn't have made this a more poetic night. Or ironic, if you want to view it that way. See, she originally wanted to meet for coffee. And since I work down the street from Wildwood (for you Birmingham peeps), I suggested we meet at the Starbucks there. Well, she texts me this afternoon, and suggests we meet at O'Charlie's, down the street.
The poetic/ironic thing is that that very O'Charlie's is where we ate dinner on our very first date. And the sad thing is that she had absolutely no clue what she had done. Oh well.
So, she's all smiles and grins at seeing me again, and I'm not being very warm or inviting, I'm just being there. I order a Blue Moon, just to steady my nerves, and we start talking. It starts with small talk back and forth, asking how each other's families are doing, and so forth. I brag about all of my accomplishments over the past year and a half, because, well, I can. And it felt good to do so. But, soon enough, she starts apologizing.
And she keeps apologizing throughout the rest of the entire conversation. I lost count of how many times she actually said "I don't even deserve to be sitting across from you, and I'm sorry". She never really gave me a reason, and never really made an excuse for how she acted. She just simply said that she was sorry. She did mention that she felt I was just in the "wrong place at the wrong time" and that she felt awful for how she treated me. This went on for about an hour. She said "You have every right to hate me. And I wouldn't blame you if you did. But, the fact that you're willing to give me a chance to say 'I'm sorry' face to face and actually forgive me means that I'm on the right track with my life. And it means that God has a reason for everything".
I said everything I needed to say to her. I got out every emotion I needed to get out. After a few beers, I have to admit that I was probably a little more forthcoming than I needed to be, but honestly, do you expect anything less from me? I only know how to be wide open with my heart and emotions, and tonight was no different. I laid it out on the line and told her how much I hated her for the longest time. How much I felt like she was scum, that I wanted bad things to happen to her..... and I said it all without regret, but without any bitterness or spite or venom. I just said it.
I know some of you think I'm a gullable son of a bitch. That she would've lied to my face and I'd never know the difference. But, I genuinely believe her when she apologized. She had nothing to gain by hurting me anymore. And I had nothing to gain by hurting her.
She did surprise me, though. She said that when she saw that I completely turned away from her and never called, never reached out, never acknowledged her existence (as far as she was concerned) that she genuinely realized how far she'd gone. She realized that she destroyed something that didn't need to be destroyed. And she said that she's back to getting her life back together, and this was something that she needed as much as I needed to hear her apology.
There was one thing I had to clear up, just for my own sake. I had my own theory as to why she left, and I put it out there to her. I told her that I believe that when she and I got back together, she felt something for me that she wasn't prepared to feel, and it scared her. More than anything, I needed to know that I wasn't completely unrequited in my feelings back then. And she said there was more to it than that, but she did fall back in love with me and that she didn't know what to do with it. So, that was good to hear.
I know that there are a few of you who won't see this the way I do. And you probably never will. If you don't see it, I can only say that I'm sorry you don't completely understand my reasons, and I'm sorry that you don't know me better than that. I needed to do this. Above all else, I needed to know and prove to myself that my capacity to forgive the one person who hurt me more than anyone ever has, ever, is bigger and more expansive than my capacity to hate that same person. And I proved it to myself. If you can't be happy at this personal revelation, then I have nothing for you. I'm truly sorry for you.
I did tell her that I wasn't trying to be friends again. I wasn't overly sugary sweet to her. I was just open and honest. I entered in to this with the realization that I needed to be okay with how this ends tonight. Good or bad, I needed to be okay with saying what needed to be said, and walking away. And I have that. I have that peace about things now. I have my closure. And that's more than I've had for a year and a half. More than I've had with any ex, ever.
I'm glad I did this. And I'd do it again in a heartbeat. Because I now have a better sense of self and realize that I'm not the angry, bitter, spiteful person that I've been for a year and a half.
I'm not angry anymore.
But, not in THAT capacity. I'm no idiot.
Now, before you start cussing me and calling me all these names, let's take a step back and let me explain exactly why I did this. I did this for me. Because I have a freakish need for closure. Too often I hear people say that they "never got the closure they needed to really get past something". So, I took this opportunity to contact Stephanie and hash things out with her.
I actually emailed her a few weeks ago, but this only happened tonight. We've talked through emails a few times back and forth, and I knew that I needed to be done with this. See, I scared myself for a year and a half. I had no idea that I had the capacity to hate someone so thoroughly and completely as I did her. I didn't like who I was turning in to while I harbored that hatred for her in my heart.
Remember that post a few weeks ago, when I said that I realized that I wasn't being the person I believed in my heart that I was supposed to be? Well, that sentiment spurned this change in my feelings toward this situation. I realized that I wasn't being myself. I was just reacting to what happened. I wasn't being proactive about it. So, I knew what I had to do.
Give her the chance to apologize, face to face, and for me to finally say all that I needed to say, and let her have my forgiveness. And that's exactly what happened.
I couldn't have made this a more poetic night. Or ironic, if you want to view it that way. See, she originally wanted to meet for coffee. And since I work down the street from Wildwood (for you Birmingham peeps), I suggested we meet at the Starbucks there. Well, she texts me this afternoon, and suggests we meet at O'Charlie's, down the street.
The poetic/ironic thing is that that very O'Charlie's is where we ate dinner on our very first date. And the sad thing is that she had absolutely no clue what she had done. Oh well.
So, she's all smiles and grins at seeing me again, and I'm not being very warm or inviting, I'm just being there. I order a Blue Moon, just to steady my nerves, and we start talking. It starts with small talk back and forth, asking how each other's families are doing, and so forth. I brag about all of my accomplishments over the past year and a half, because, well, I can. And it felt good to do so. But, soon enough, she starts apologizing.
And she keeps apologizing throughout the rest of the entire conversation. I lost count of how many times she actually said "I don't even deserve to be sitting across from you, and I'm sorry". She never really gave me a reason, and never really made an excuse for how she acted. She just simply said that she was sorry. She did mention that she felt I was just in the "wrong place at the wrong time" and that she felt awful for how she treated me. This went on for about an hour. She said "You have every right to hate me. And I wouldn't blame you if you did. But, the fact that you're willing to give me a chance to say 'I'm sorry' face to face and actually forgive me means that I'm on the right track with my life. And it means that God has a reason for everything".
I said everything I needed to say to her. I got out every emotion I needed to get out. After a few beers, I have to admit that I was probably a little more forthcoming than I needed to be, but honestly, do you expect anything less from me? I only know how to be wide open with my heart and emotions, and tonight was no different. I laid it out on the line and told her how much I hated her for the longest time. How much I felt like she was scum, that I wanted bad things to happen to her..... and I said it all without regret, but without any bitterness or spite or venom. I just said it.
I know some of you think I'm a gullable son of a bitch. That she would've lied to my face and I'd never know the difference. But, I genuinely believe her when she apologized. She had nothing to gain by hurting me anymore. And I had nothing to gain by hurting her.
She did surprise me, though. She said that when she saw that I completely turned away from her and never called, never reached out, never acknowledged her existence (as far as she was concerned) that she genuinely realized how far she'd gone. She realized that she destroyed something that didn't need to be destroyed. And she said that she's back to getting her life back together, and this was something that she needed as much as I needed to hear her apology.
There was one thing I had to clear up, just for my own sake. I had my own theory as to why she left, and I put it out there to her. I told her that I believe that when she and I got back together, she felt something for me that she wasn't prepared to feel, and it scared her. More than anything, I needed to know that I wasn't completely unrequited in my feelings back then. And she said there was more to it than that, but she did fall back in love with me and that she didn't know what to do with it. So, that was good to hear.
I know that there are a few of you who won't see this the way I do. And you probably never will. If you don't see it, I can only say that I'm sorry you don't completely understand my reasons, and I'm sorry that you don't know me better than that. I needed to do this. Above all else, I needed to know and prove to myself that my capacity to forgive the one person who hurt me more than anyone ever has, ever, is bigger and more expansive than my capacity to hate that same person. And I proved it to myself. If you can't be happy at this personal revelation, then I have nothing for you. I'm truly sorry for you.
I did tell her that I wasn't trying to be friends again. I wasn't overly sugary sweet to her. I was just open and honest. I entered in to this with the realization that I needed to be okay with how this ends tonight. Good or bad, I needed to be okay with saying what needed to be said, and walking away. And I have that. I have that peace about things now. I have my closure. And that's more than I've had for a year and a half. More than I've had with any ex, ever.
I'm glad I did this. And I'd do it again in a heartbeat. Because I now have a better sense of self and realize that I'm not the angry, bitter, spiteful person that I've been for a year and a half.
I'm not angry anymore.