Rupture
Title: Rupture
Rating: PG-15
Pairing: Chen/Sehun, Luhan/Sehun
Warning: Angst, Self-Harm, Suicide
Length: 3.2k
Disclaimer: Fill for this prompt at exopromptmeme, I hope this doesn't disappoint, and I tried making Jongdae as broken and as insecure as possible.
Summary: Something cracks inside Jongdae when he sees the look Sehun gives Luhan. When he sees the way Sehun smiles at Luhan. When he sees the way Sehun hugs Luhan. When he sees the way Sehun kisses Luhan. Something breaks inside Jongdae when he hears Sehun say "I love you," to Luhan, because Sehun is supposed say that to him.
A/N: Originally posted here.
Click here for the alternative ending.
He is expecting to see is the adoration through Sehun’s half lidded eyes. He is expecting to see the small smile that graces Sehun’s lips. He is expecting the light brush of Sehun’s fingertips across the back of his hands. That is what Jongdae gets. But it isn’t directed towards him. He sits in the side lines. He watches his fiancée look at Luhan, eyes full of love and endearment, and as if Luhan is the only person in the world. He watches Sehun smile softly at Luhan like he’s the one and only thing that makes him happy. He watches, as Sehun longingly reaches for Luhan’s hands before squeezing it gently.
Something cracks inside Jongdae.
-
“Are you ready?” The question seems ridiculous to Jongdae. In his mind he’s been ready ever since Sehun had proclaimed his undying love for him in front of everyone in kindergarten; getting on one knee and putting a Haribo ring in Jongdae’s finger while yelling “Kim Jongdae is mine and no one else can have him!”
Jongdae remembers taking the Haribo ring off in a harsh motion before looking Sehun dead in the eye and chewing it up then patting Sehun’s cheek, “As much as I love Haribo Sehun, I love Tangfastics more… And Luhan already told me I was his so sorry, maybe next time though,” he remembers flaunting his right hand at Sehun’s bewildered face as the boy looked at the more sparkly version of a candy ring on Jongdae’s finger. “Stupid Luhan,” Sehun mutters as he thinks of buying an actual diamond ring for Jongdae and imagining Luhan all by himself while he and Jongdae live happily ever after.
An irreplaceable smile draws etches itself onto Jongdae’s lips making the ends curl up joyfully as he leans back towards Sehun, back flush against his fiancée’s chest before whispering, “Yes, I’ve always been ready.”
Sehun tilts Jongdae’s face from behind so he can see the other’s face. He reciprocates Jongdae’s smile and he kisses him. It’s sweet and soft, yet tender and loving. Jongdae wonders how much faster Sehun can make his heart beat until it explodes.
“Let’s go, we might be late for our wedding my soon-to-be wife,” Sehun teases with a playful smirk. Jongdae elbows him in the stomach. “You hurt me!” Sehun retorts overdramatically.
“Shut up, I didn’t elbow you that hard,” Jongdae dismisses but deep down inside he still worries if he did hit Sehun that hard. “And I am not the wife in this relationship you idiot, if anything I am so much manlier than you so you should be the wife.”
“Please, you’re about as manly as Luhan, and that is saying something,” Sehun gives his lover another peck before smiling again.
“Well you should happen to know that Luhan is very-,” Jongdae pauses and actually thinks, he was actually going to say Luhan was ‘manly’. He shakes his head and dismisses the little dispute and giving up. “Fine I’ll be your wife,” Sehun grins stupidly and Jongdae could just about hit him with a pillow. “But only if you give me the full wife-treatment. I get a massage every night, and you cook for me, and you clean the house and everything else that’s hard to do,” he lets out a dignified huff then pokes Sehun’s nose.
“Isn’t cooking and cleaning the wife’s job?” Sehun is genuinely confused and Jongdae uses this as his advantage, “Nope the husband does all of that, but I could give you a massage every now and then as well,” Jongdae gives Sehun a painstakingly sweet smile before taking his lover’s hand and leading him out.
-
“I want nobody nobody but chu!” Sehun sings along to the radio, and Jongdae is reminded how bad Sehun is at singing.
“Please make it stop, anyone! It’s making my ears bleed!” Jongdae whines playfully while covering his ears.
Sehun pouts and stops singing before using one of his hands to poke Jongdae’s hands that are covering his ears.
Jongdae uncovers his ears and looks at Sehun before bursting out laughing and leaning to kiss Sehun’s right cheek.
“I still love you, so it doesn’t matter that you sound like a Luhan screaming whenever he sees a spider,” Jongdae smiles again, he feels like he’s always smiling around Sehun, he probably does but he doesn’t care.
“You’re so mean to me,” Sehun still has the same pout on his face but Jongdae can see the smile that’s about to break through, “Please remind me why I’m marrying to you.”
Jongdae lets out a soft chuckle before punching playfully at Sehun’s right arm. “Need I remind you that you had to ask me 5 times before I actually said yes, so remind yourself.”
“Hey, it’s not my fault you were in denial of your unconditional love for me ever since kindergarten, and then there’s Luhan that man stealing dumbass always making things hard for me,” Sehun keeps his eyes on the road as he continues to pout.
“You’re so cute when you’re jealous you know, and do I always have to remind you that Luhan gave me a Tangfastic ring instead of your ratchet ass Haribo ring?” Jongdae makes a teasing face at Sehun before nudging the other.
“And need I remind you that many years after that, I gave you a ring that out-sparkles Tangfastics,” Sehun takes one hand of the steering wheel to lift up Jongdae’s left hand, and nodding towards his finger which whore the bright and shining silver ring.
“Fine, you win Mr Oh, but for being a total douche, you are not getting any sexy times with ChenChen tonight,” Jongdae pats Sehun’s crotch teasingly, making the other jerk in his seat before yelling, “Yah I’m driving! See if I care anyway, I am perfectly intact with my hormones and can control them very well,” He shoos away Jongdae’s lingering hand before huffing, “Also please do not ever remind me of your second identity, it’s embarrassing.”
“Hey it’s not my fault you were cheap and couldn’t get an actual stripper for your Bachelor party, which by the way if you actually got one, I would have castrated you and fed your balls to stray dogs,” Jongdae has a hidden evil beneath his sweet smile.
“Hey you know I would never betray you like that, Sehun Junior is yours and yours only you idiot. But was it really necessary to be the ‘stripper’ for the bachelor party, and seriously ‘ChenChen’? Kris was staring at you like he was gonna eat you that night I swear,” Sehun remembers distinctly the way his oversized Chinese friend stared at Jongdae’s ass that night, probably to make Sehun angry, which probably led to his and Jongdae’s angry sex after everyone left. And this also probably led to ChenChen making a lot of cameos during sex.
“Sehun Junior? Seriously, I wonder sometimes why I ever said yes to you,” Jongdae laughs lightly, his eyes crinkling at the corners as he pokes Sehun’s side.
“It’s because you love m-“
Sehun doesn’t finish his sentence.
The ear piercing scrape of metal resonates before a loud crash brings silence.
Everything goes black.
-
The moment Jongdae’s eyes flutter open in the dim hospital room, the first thing he thinks of is Sehun. “Where is he?! I need to know if he’s alright!” He screams desperately, tears welling in his red puffy eyes.
“Jongdae relax, Sehun’s gonna be okay, you both are okay, so just calm down,” a soothing tone reaches his ears and brings comfort to him knowing that it belongs to his best friend Luhan. But it should have been Sehun, the first voice he should hear is Sehun’s because that would confirm that everything is alright, and that Sehun wasn’t dead.
“Where is he? I want to see him. I need to see him,” Jongdae speaks with vindication, he is determined to see Sehun he needs confirmation and he needs to stop implosion that threatens to strike his heart.
“Luhan he’s still unconscious in the other room, the nurse said we can see him later when you’re all patched up,” his best friend still manages to bring tranquillity to him when he’s in panic, and this removes any doubt in Jongdae that he’s lucky to have Luhan as his best friend.
“Th-thanks Lu,” Jongdae smiles weakly.
-
He can only watch from afar as his whole life slips away from him. He can only watch as he fades in the background while Sehun slowly drifts from him. He can only watch in pain as Sehun loves his best friend. He’s not supposed to. He’s supposed to be next to Jongdae, he’s supposed to be giving Jongdae that smile full of adoration and relief, he’s supposed to be telling Jongdae how worried he is that he would lose him forever. Not Luhan.
“I missed you so much Luhan.”
“I was so worried about you.”
“I thought you were dead.”
“I love you Luhan.”
Jongdae’s best friend can only smile anxiously when Sehun embraces him within his delicate arms. Jongdae watches. Jongdae fights his tears. Jongdae stands up and walks out the door.
The scars scattered across his body doesn’t hurt nearly as much as his frail and fragile heart which has been grazed with hurt and agonising pain. He can feel it beating more slowly now, and with each beat it strains.
-
Silence engulfs the room. Luhan and Jongdae sit next to each other in front of the doctor’s desk. Luhan’s fingers stumble across each other uncomfortably and nervously. Jongdae sees it out of the corner of his eyes and wants to tell Luhan it’s not his fault and he’s not mad. But is he? Is he not mad that it feels like his heart has been ripped out of his chest by his best friend? Is he not mad that the tears that had seeped deep onto his skin was because his best friend had basically stolen everything from him? He reminds himself that it’s not Luhan’s fault. It’s not anyone’s fault but his own.
For not being strong enough. For not loving Sehun strong enough.
The doctor says it’s a psychological effect. Trauma. But Jongdae convinces himself that isn’t true. It is not anyone’s fault but his. Sehun doesn’t love him anymore because he was worthless. He could give Sehun nothing while the other had given him everything.
“For Sehun’s mental trauma, I suggest that you don’t tell him anything yet, you should let this play out and wait for his memories to come back,” the doctor is careful as he treads with his words, enunciating each slowly because Jongdae looks as if he could snap any moment.
He doesn’t.
Instead Jongdae nods slowly while muttering, “Okay,” it’s for Sehun, everything is for Sehun now. Whatever it takes for Sehun to go back to normal he will do it, and if it means pretending he doesn’t love the other and pretending that it didn’t hurt when he saw Sehun kiss Luhan, then he would do it.
“Jongdae… We don’t have to do thi-,” Luhan is cut off by Jongdae’s hushed muttering.
“Yes we do Luhan,” Jongdae sounds more like he’s telling himself this than Luhan because deep down inside he doesn’t want to do this. He wants to run to Sehun’s room and hug him and kiss him and tell him that he loves him. He wants to tell Sehun everything even though it wouldn’t be for the best. But it’s not about what he wants. It’s what Sehun needs. And what Sehun needs is Jongdae’s patience.
-
Jongdae has to move his stuff into the guest room and Luhan moves in with them. If Jongdae had a penny for the number of times he’s seen Luhan give him this look of regret and guilt and for every time Luhan has cried on his shoulder and told him he’s sorry. Jongdae would be as rich as his friend Joonmyun.
It’s a constant routine, whenever he’s alone with Luhan, a string of apologies and incoherent crying. Jongdae should be the one in this state. He should be the one breaking down and weeping against Luhan’s shoulders. But he isn’t. He’s ice cold and his face is emotionless. Like it had been deprived from him and he was an empty reminder of Kim Jongdae.
Only when he was truly alone. When he lies in his bed and stares at his reflection on the window, the dim light of the moon illuminating the clear glass. It is when he feels his broken heart. It is when every nerve in his entire body had tightened and closed. It is when he pictures Sehun in the reflection lying down behind him and wrapping his arms around Jongdae. It is when he imagines the coldness is replaced by warmth. It is then and only then could he come close to the truth. That Sehun would never remember him. That he is truly alone.
-
“You’re not alone,” trickling rain trails across the window pane as Luhan takes a sip from his mug.
“You have me, you do know that right?” Luhan sets down his cup of coffee before sitting down next to Jongdae who has curled up on the couch and is watching a race between two raindrops.
There is a melancholy expression on his face. Lips tightened in a line as if the curls at their tips never existed, eyebrows loose and wild and untamed, eyes dull and empty.
He says nothing in response and continues watching as the two raindrops end up moulding together.
“He still loves you Jongdae, he’s fighting, he’s remembering, he knows deep down inside you’re the one he belongs with. You can’t lose hope… he’s almost there,” Luhan curls up next to Jongdae. He wraps his arms around Jongdae’s waist and entangles their legs together as he breathes calmly at Jongdae’s neck.
It’s nice, Jongdae thinks. The warmth Luhan gives off. It may be weak and it may not be the warmth he’s been looking for, but it’s enough to keep him alive for today.
Jongdae speaks for the first time in a week. “I hope so.”
-
Almost is never enough. It never is. 6 months of ‘almost’ slowly breaks Jongdae into nothingness. 6 months of the cold creeping at his skin at night is scary. 6 months of sitting in the side lines seething with jealousy is painful. 6 months of feeling his broken heart being put together only to be broken again is enough. It is enough to make him look at his own piercing eyes in the reflection of the mirror.
He can see himself. But he can’t see himself. It is a shadow. His lips have become tighter and it never curls up to show the slight curves at the tip only when he’s truly happy. The area around his eyes have become barren and dark due to endless nights of empty crying. His eyes itself have become soulless and the love he has for Sehun is trapped within a dark void. Inescapable.
Jongdae continues to look at himself in the eyes. He sees in it emptiness. And memories flash in his mind.
The first day he met Sehun in kindergarten when he had ‘proposed’.
When he and Sehun had apparently become an ‘item’ during middle school.
His first kiss with Sehun when there was sauce on Jongdae’s lips and Sehun claimed he was cleaning it off.
The first time he realized he loved Sehun when the other had gone for a one week study trip and he couldn’t help but notice the missing piece in his heart when the other wasn’t around.
The first time he and Sehun made love and the first time he had said I love you to Sehun straight after. He remembers Sehun’s breathless laugh before he said it back.
The fifth time Sehun had proposed, this time with a proper ring that was shining and silver. He remembers finally saying yes because Sehun would never give up anyway.
For a split second there is light in Jongdae’s eyes. But it dissipates as fast as it appears. Jongdae’s memories take a wrong turn.
Now he is remembering the car ride. The crash. The darkness.
He sees Sehun loving someone other than him as if Jongdae had never been in his heart.
He sees the moment Sehun wakes up and he doesn’t look at him but at Luhan. He sees the way Sehun lightens up not because of him but because of Luhan.
He sees Sehun kiss Luhan, the way he’s supposed to kiss him.
He sees Luhan moving in and Sehun being the happiest person in the planet.
He sees endless mornings of Sehun greeting Luhan with “I love you” and a kiss on the cheek.
He sees Sehun caring for Luhan and Luhan only.
He sees Luhan gradually wavering in Sehun’s affection.
He sees Luhan trying to stop himself. And he sees his best friend trying to be by his side.
He sits in the side lines as he watches Luhan falling for Sehun.
He sees himself completely lost, defeated and useless. Because now Sehun loves Luhan and Luhan loves Sehun back.
His best friend might not admit it and claims Sehun still loves Jongdae and that he could never betray his best friend. But Jongdae knows better.
Jongdae sees the way Luhan smiles more at Sehun now, rather than giving an awkward chuckle.
Rating: PG-15
Pairing: Chen/Sehun, Luhan/Sehun
Warning: Angst, Self-Harm, Suicide
Length: 3.2k
Disclaimer: Fill for this prompt at exopromptmeme, I hope this doesn't disappoint, and I tried making Jongdae as broken and as insecure as possible.
Summary: Something cracks inside Jongdae when he sees the look Sehun gives Luhan. When he sees the way Sehun smiles at Luhan. When he sees the way Sehun hugs Luhan. When he sees the way Sehun kisses Luhan. Something breaks inside Jongdae when he hears Sehun say "I love you," to Luhan, because Sehun is supposed say that to him.
A/N: Originally posted here.
Click here for the alternative ending.
He is expecting to see is the adoration through Sehun’s half lidded eyes. He is expecting to see the small smile that graces Sehun’s lips. He is expecting the light brush of Sehun’s fingertips across the back of his hands. That is what Jongdae gets. But it isn’t directed towards him. He sits in the side lines. He watches his fiancée look at Luhan, eyes full of love and endearment, and as if Luhan is the only person in the world. He watches Sehun smile softly at Luhan like he’s the one and only thing that makes him happy. He watches, as Sehun longingly reaches for Luhan’s hands before squeezing it gently.
Something cracks inside Jongdae.
-
“Are you ready?” The question seems ridiculous to Jongdae. In his mind he’s been ready ever since Sehun had proclaimed his undying love for him in front of everyone in kindergarten; getting on one knee and putting a Haribo ring in Jongdae’s finger while yelling “Kim Jongdae is mine and no one else can have him!”
Jongdae remembers taking the Haribo ring off in a harsh motion before looking Sehun dead in the eye and chewing it up then patting Sehun’s cheek, “As much as I love Haribo Sehun, I love Tangfastics more… And Luhan already told me I was his so sorry, maybe next time though,” he remembers flaunting his right hand at Sehun’s bewildered face as the boy looked at the more sparkly version of a candy ring on Jongdae’s finger. “Stupid Luhan,” Sehun mutters as he thinks of buying an actual diamond ring for Jongdae and imagining Luhan all by himself while he and Jongdae live happily ever after.
An irreplaceable smile draws etches itself onto Jongdae’s lips making the ends curl up joyfully as he leans back towards Sehun, back flush against his fiancée’s chest before whispering, “Yes, I’ve always been ready.”
Sehun tilts Jongdae’s face from behind so he can see the other’s face. He reciprocates Jongdae’s smile and he kisses him. It’s sweet and soft, yet tender and loving. Jongdae wonders how much faster Sehun can make his heart beat until it explodes.
“Let’s go, we might be late for our wedding my soon-to-be wife,” Sehun teases with a playful smirk. Jongdae elbows him in the stomach. “You hurt me!” Sehun retorts overdramatically.
“Shut up, I didn’t elbow you that hard,” Jongdae dismisses but deep down inside he still worries if he did hit Sehun that hard. “And I am not the wife in this relationship you idiot, if anything I am so much manlier than you so you should be the wife.”
“Please, you’re about as manly as Luhan, and that is saying something,” Sehun gives his lover another peck before smiling again.
“Well you should happen to know that Luhan is very-,” Jongdae pauses and actually thinks, he was actually going to say Luhan was ‘manly’. He shakes his head and dismisses the little dispute and giving up. “Fine I’ll be your wife,” Sehun grins stupidly and Jongdae could just about hit him with a pillow. “But only if you give me the full wife-treatment. I get a massage every night, and you cook for me, and you clean the house and everything else that’s hard to do,” he lets out a dignified huff then pokes Sehun’s nose.
“Isn’t cooking and cleaning the wife’s job?” Sehun is genuinely confused and Jongdae uses this as his advantage, “Nope the husband does all of that, but I could give you a massage every now and then as well,” Jongdae gives Sehun a painstakingly sweet smile before taking his lover’s hand and leading him out.
-
“I want nobody nobody but chu!” Sehun sings along to the radio, and Jongdae is reminded how bad Sehun is at singing.
“Please make it stop, anyone! It’s making my ears bleed!” Jongdae whines playfully while covering his ears.
Sehun pouts and stops singing before using one of his hands to poke Jongdae’s hands that are covering his ears.
Jongdae uncovers his ears and looks at Sehun before bursting out laughing and leaning to kiss Sehun’s right cheek.
“I still love you, so it doesn’t matter that you sound like a Luhan screaming whenever he sees a spider,” Jongdae smiles again, he feels like he’s always smiling around Sehun, he probably does but he doesn’t care.
“You’re so mean to me,” Sehun still has the same pout on his face but Jongdae can see the smile that’s about to break through, “Please remind me why I’m marrying to you.”
Jongdae lets out a soft chuckle before punching playfully at Sehun’s right arm. “Need I remind you that you had to ask me 5 times before I actually said yes, so remind yourself.”
“Hey, it’s not my fault you were in denial of your unconditional love for me ever since kindergarten, and then there’s Luhan that man stealing dumbass always making things hard for me,” Sehun keeps his eyes on the road as he continues to pout.
“You’re so cute when you’re jealous you know, and do I always have to remind you that Luhan gave me a Tangfastic ring instead of your ratchet ass Haribo ring?” Jongdae makes a teasing face at Sehun before nudging the other.
“And need I remind you that many years after that, I gave you a ring that out-sparkles Tangfastics,” Sehun takes one hand of the steering wheel to lift up Jongdae’s left hand, and nodding towards his finger which whore the bright and shining silver ring.
“Fine, you win Mr Oh, but for being a total douche, you are not getting any sexy times with ChenChen tonight,” Jongdae pats Sehun’s crotch teasingly, making the other jerk in his seat before yelling, “Yah I’m driving! See if I care anyway, I am perfectly intact with my hormones and can control them very well,” He shoos away Jongdae’s lingering hand before huffing, “Also please do not ever remind me of your second identity, it’s embarrassing.”
“Hey it’s not my fault you were cheap and couldn’t get an actual stripper for your Bachelor party, which by the way if you actually got one, I would have castrated you and fed your balls to stray dogs,” Jongdae has a hidden evil beneath his sweet smile.
“Hey you know I would never betray you like that, Sehun Junior is yours and yours only you idiot. But was it really necessary to be the ‘stripper’ for the bachelor party, and seriously ‘ChenChen’? Kris was staring at you like he was gonna eat you that night I swear,” Sehun remembers distinctly the way his oversized Chinese friend stared at Jongdae’s ass that night, probably to make Sehun angry, which probably led to his and Jongdae’s angry sex after everyone left. And this also probably led to ChenChen making a lot of cameos during sex.
“Sehun Junior? Seriously, I wonder sometimes why I ever said yes to you,” Jongdae laughs lightly, his eyes crinkling at the corners as he pokes Sehun’s side.
“It’s because you love m-“
Sehun doesn’t finish his sentence.
The ear piercing scrape of metal resonates before a loud crash brings silence.
Everything goes black.
-
The moment Jongdae’s eyes flutter open in the dim hospital room, the first thing he thinks of is Sehun. “Where is he?! I need to know if he’s alright!” He screams desperately, tears welling in his red puffy eyes.
“Jongdae relax, Sehun’s gonna be okay, you both are okay, so just calm down,” a soothing tone reaches his ears and brings comfort to him knowing that it belongs to his best friend Luhan. But it should have been Sehun, the first voice he should hear is Sehun’s because that would confirm that everything is alright, and that Sehun wasn’t dead.
“Where is he? I want to see him. I need to see him,” Jongdae speaks with vindication, he is determined to see Sehun he needs confirmation and he needs to stop implosion that threatens to strike his heart.
“Luhan he’s still unconscious in the other room, the nurse said we can see him later when you’re all patched up,” his best friend still manages to bring tranquillity to him when he’s in panic, and this removes any doubt in Jongdae that he’s lucky to have Luhan as his best friend.
“Th-thanks Lu,” Jongdae smiles weakly.
-
He can only watch from afar as his whole life slips away from him. He can only watch as he fades in the background while Sehun slowly drifts from him. He can only watch in pain as Sehun loves his best friend. He’s not supposed to. He’s supposed to be next to Jongdae, he’s supposed to be giving Jongdae that smile full of adoration and relief, he’s supposed to be telling Jongdae how worried he is that he would lose him forever. Not Luhan.
“I missed you so much Luhan.”
“I was so worried about you.”
“I thought you were dead.”
“I love you Luhan.”
Jongdae’s best friend can only smile anxiously when Sehun embraces him within his delicate arms. Jongdae watches. Jongdae fights his tears. Jongdae stands up and walks out the door.
The scars scattered across his body doesn’t hurt nearly as much as his frail and fragile heart which has been grazed with hurt and agonising pain. He can feel it beating more slowly now, and with each beat it strains.
-
Silence engulfs the room. Luhan and Jongdae sit next to each other in front of the doctor’s desk. Luhan’s fingers stumble across each other uncomfortably and nervously. Jongdae sees it out of the corner of his eyes and wants to tell Luhan it’s not his fault and he’s not mad. But is he? Is he not mad that it feels like his heart has been ripped out of his chest by his best friend? Is he not mad that the tears that had seeped deep onto his skin was because his best friend had basically stolen everything from him? He reminds himself that it’s not Luhan’s fault. It’s not anyone’s fault but his own.
For not being strong enough. For not loving Sehun strong enough.
The doctor says it’s a psychological effect. Trauma. But Jongdae convinces himself that isn’t true. It is not anyone’s fault but his. Sehun doesn’t love him anymore because he was worthless. He could give Sehun nothing while the other had given him everything.
“For Sehun’s mental trauma, I suggest that you don’t tell him anything yet, you should let this play out and wait for his memories to come back,” the doctor is careful as he treads with his words, enunciating each slowly because Jongdae looks as if he could snap any moment.
He doesn’t.
Instead Jongdae nods slowly while muttering, “Okay,” it’s for Sehun, everything is for Sehun now. Whatever it takes for Sehun to go back to normal he will do it, and if it means pretending he doesn’t love the other and pretending that it didn’t hurt when he saw Sehun kiss Luhan, then he would do it.
“Jongdae… We don’t have to do thi-,” Luhan is cut off by Jongdae’s hushed muttering.
“Yes we do Luhan,” Jongdae sounds more like he’s telling himself this than Luhan because deep down inside he doesn’t want to do this. He wants to run to Sehun’s room and hug him and kiss him and tell him that he loves him. He wants to tell Sehun everything even though it wouldn’t be for the best. But it’s not about what he wants. It’s what Sehun needs. And what Sehun needs is Jongdae’s patience.
-
Jongdae has to move his stuff into the guest room and Luhan moves in with them. If Jongdae had a penny for the number of times he’s seen Luhan give him this look of regret and guilt and for every time Luhan has cried on his shoulder and told him he’s sorry. Jongdae would be as rich as his friend Joonmyun.
It’s a constant routine, whenever he’s alone with Luhan, a string of apologies and incoherent crying. Jongdae should be the one in this state. He should be the one breaking down and weeping against Luhan’s shoulders. But he isn’t. He’s ice cold and his face is emotionless. Like it had been deprived from him and he was an empty reminder of Kim Jongdae.
Only when he was truly alone. When he lies in his bed and stares at his reflection on the window, the dim light of the moon illuminating the clear glass. It is when he feels his broken heart. It is when every nerve in his entire body had tightened and closed. It is when he pictures Sehun in the reflection lying down behind him and wrapping his arms around Jongdae. It is when he imagines the coldness is replaced by warmth. It is then and only then could he come close to the truth. That Sehun would never remember him. That he is truly alone.
-
“You’re not alone,” trickling rain trails across the window pane as Luhan takes a sip from his mug.
“You have me, you do know that right?” Luhan sets down his cup of coffee before sitting down next to Jongdae who has curled up on the couch and is watching a race between two raindrops.
There is a melancholy expression on his face. Lips tightened in a line as if the curls at their tips never existed, eyebrows loose and wild and untamed, eyes dull and empty.
He says nothing in response and continues watching as the two raindrops end up moulding together.
“He still loves you Jongdae, he’s fighting, he’s remembering, he knows deep down inside you’re the one he belongs with. You can’t lose hope… he’s almost there,” Luhan curls up next to Jongdae. He wraps his arms around Jongdae’s waist and entangles their legs together as he breathes calmly at Jongdae’s neck.
It’s nice, Jongdae thinks. The warmth Luhan gives off. It may be weak and it may not be the warmth he’s been looking for, but it’s enough to keep him alive for today.
Jongdae speaks for the first time in a week. “I hope so.”
-
Almost is never enough. It never is. 6 months of ‘almost’ slowly breaks Jongdae into nothingness. 6 months of the cold creeping at his skin at night is scary. 6 months of sitting in the side lines seething with jealousy is painful. 6 months of feeling his broken heart being put together only to be broken again is enough. It is enough to make him look at his own piercing eyes in the reflection of the mirror.
He can see himself. But he can’t see himself. It is a shadow. His lips have become tighter and it never curls up to show the slight curves at the tip only when he’s truly happy. The area around his eyes have become barren and dark due to endless nights of empty crying. His eyes itself have become soulless and the love he has for Sehun is trapped within a dark void. Inescapable.
Jongdae continues to look at himself in the eyes. He sees in it emptiness. And memories flash in his mind.
The first day he met Sehun in kindergarten when he had ‘proposed’.
When he and Sehun had apparently become an ‘item’ during middle school.
His first kiss with Sehun when there was sauce on Jongdae’s lips and Sehun claimed he was cleaning it off.
The first time he realized he loved Sehun when the other had gone for a one week study trip and he couldn’t help but notice the missing piece in his heart when the other wasn’t around.
The first time he and Sehun made love and the first time he had said I love you to Sehun straight after. He remembers Sehun’s breathless laugh before he said it back.
The fifth time Sehun had proposed, this time with a proper ring that was shining and silver. He remembers finally saying yes because Sehun would never give up anyway.
For a split second there is light in Jongdae’s eyes. But it dissipates as fast as it appears. Jongdae’s memories take a wrong turn.
Now he is remembering the car ride. The crash. The darkness.
He sees Sehun loving someone other than him as if Jongdae had never been in his heart.
He sees the moment Sehun wakes up and he doesn’t look at him but at Luhan. He sees the way Sehun lightens up not because of him but because of Luhan.
He sees Sehun kiss Luhan, the way he’s supposed to kiss him.
He sees Luhan moving in and Sehun being the happiest person in the planet.
He sees endless mornings of Sehun greeting Luhan with “I love you” and a kiss on the cheek.
He sees Sehun caring for Luhan and Luhan only.
He sees Luhan gradually wavering in Sehun’s affection.
He sees Luhan trying to stop himself. And he sees his best friend trying to be by his side.
He sits in the side lines as he watches Luhan falling for Sehun.
He sees himself completely lost, defeated and useless. Because now Sehun loves Luhan and Luhan loves Sehun back.
His best friend might not admit it and claims Sehun still loves Jongdae and that he could never betray his best friend. But Jongdae knows better.
Jongdae sees the way Luhan smiles more at Sehun now, rather than giving an awkward chuckle.