Mara: The spectator
snippets of the lyrics from RENT's "Goodbye Love"
The party was in full swing.
but she didn't come down from her room. She just stood watching us from her window.
What is she hiding from?
But who, Mark, are you?
"Mark has got his work" they say
"Mark lives for his work"
and "Mark's in love with his work"
Mark hides in his work
From facing your failure,
facing your loneliness
facing the fact you live a lie.
The next time I looked, she disappeared from the window. I decided to check on her.
I opened the door to find her lying on the couch, eyes closed and with her ears plugged with earphones.
she was in her own world again.
Someone said that this habit of hers does not help her awareness of life. She would just laugh because she would contradict that when her person needs to be emotionally present in this realm she is, and she has never let her dreaming interfere with her work or with her life here.
She just likes it better there.
Yes, you live a lie tell you why
you're always preaching not to be numb
when that's how you thrive
you pretend to create and observe
when you really detach from feeling alive
Perhaps it's because I'm the one of us to survive
She squinted one eye open and saw me. She smiled. "Hey"
"Hey" I answered back.
She looked away and stared at the wall.
"Why aren't you coming down?" I asked.
She chuckled.
"Do I have to?" She answered, closing her eyes.
"Don't you want to talk to people?" I asked, walking towards the couch. she placed her hands above her chest and sighed.
"I don't think I need to."
Hey! For someone who's always been let down who's heading out of town?
I sat beside her and touched her hands. They were cold and clammy. There was no warmth in them. No care.
I frowned. she opened her eyes to look at me.
"This is how I survive baby. I don't want to run down there like it's not bothering me at all. I'll choose to stay up here. This is my way of preserving the dignity I have left."
She held my hand tightly.
"You think I'm a coward. But this is how I continue living. I will give up who I am to let myself keep going. My performance at work doesn't change. I am not heartless, otherwise the children will hate me, but they don't. I can separate who I am to what I have to do. This is what I choose to do."
For someone who longs for a community of his own, who's with his camera, alone?
I didn't want her to waste away like this. She didn't have to hide from life.
"You don't have to hide."
She laughed shallowly.
"If I let my feelings out, people would disapprove. They would say 'damn it girl, this is stupid' so I'll just shut it in so people don't hurt it anymore. yes, I am detached, maybe because people told me that in order to survive I have to."
"I don't think that. I respect your feelings no matter how repetitive they may be. That means you're still healing. Keeping it shut is not healthy."
"That's what everyone says I should do. They don't want to hear another word. They think I'm hanging on to an illusion. Hell no. That is my way of coping. And it isn't even doing anything to affect my way of life. I got work, I'm studying, I have a direction."
"You separate who you have to be from who you really are."
"Maybe that's what people have to see so they'll shut up about my 'petty problem'. They hate hearing it. Why bother?"
"I don't."
"You're sweet, and I know that."
I'll call.
"I love to feel what I feel because it reminds me that love is wonderful. But detachment also helps me to be ready for the next time I'll fall because it will come."
"Why are you scared?"
"Because I've been let down."
"That is a risk we all take. It's part of life. but it is not an alien emotion. Let it out. Maybe you need to before it consumes you."
She closed her eyes.
"I'll wait for that time to come then."
I hate the fall.
END
The party was in full swing.
but she didn't come down from her room. She just stood watching us from her window.
What is she hiding from?
But who, Mark, are you?
"Mark has got his work" they say
"Mark lives for his work"
and "Mark's in love with his work"
Mark hides in his work
From facing your failure,
facing your loneliness
facing the fact you live a lie.
The next time I looked, she disappeared from the window. I decided to check on her.
I opened the door to find her lying on the couch, eyes closed and with her ears plugged with earphones.
she was in her own world again.
Someone said that this habit of hers does not help her awareness of life. She would just laugh because she would contradict that when her person needs to be emotionally present in this realm she is, and she has never let her dreaming interfere with her work or with her life here.
She just likes it better there.
Yes, you live a lie tell you why
you're always preaching not to be numb
when that's how you thrive
you pretend to create and observe
when you really detach from feeling alive
Perhaps it's because I'm the one of us to survive
She squinted one eye open and saw me. She smiled. "Hey"
"Hey" I answered back.
She looked away and stared at the wall.
"Why aren't you coming down?" I asked.
She chuckled.
"Do I have to?" She answered, closing her eyes.
"Don't you want to talk to people?" I asked, walking towards the couch. she placed her hands above her chest and sighed.
"I don't think I need to."
Hey! For someone who's always been let down who's heading out of town?
I sat beside her and touched her hands. They were cold and clammy. There was no warmth in them. No care.
I frowned. she opened her eyes to look at me.
"This is how I survive baby. I don't want to run down there like it's not bothering me at all. I'll choose to stay up here. This is my way of preserving the dignity I have left."
She held my hand tightly.
"You think I'm a coward. But this is how I continue living. I will give up who I am to let myself keep going. My performance at work doesn't change. I am not heartless, otherwise the children will hate me, but they don't. I can separate who I am to what I have to do. This is what I choose to do."
For someone who longs for a community of his own, who's with his camera, alone?
I didn't want her to waste away like this. She didn't have to hide from life.
"You don't have to hide."
She laughed shallowly.
"If I let my feelings out, people would disapprove. They would say 'damn it girl, this is stupid' so I'll just shut it in so people don't hurt it anymore. yes, I am detached, maybe because people told me that in order to survive I have to."
"I don't think that. I respect your feelings no matter how repetitive they may be. That means you're still healing. Keeping it shut is not healthy."
"That's what everyone says I should do. They don't want to hear another word. They think I'm hanging on to an illusion. Hell no. That is my way of coping. And it isn't even doing anything to affect my way of life. I got work, I'm studying, I have a direction."
"You separate who you have to be from who you really are."
"Maybe that's what people have to see so they'll shut up about my 'petty problem'. They hate hearing it. Why bother?"
"I don't."
"You're sweet, and I know that."
I'll call.
"I love to feel what I feel because it reminds me that love is wonderful. But detachment also helps me to be ready for the next time I'll fall because it will come."
"Why are you scared?"
"Because I've been let down."
"That is a risk we all take. It's part of life. but it is not an alien emotion. Let it out. Maybe you need to before it consumes you."
She closed her eyes.
"I'll wait for that time to come then."
I hate the fall.
END