but i'm right here? 1/2
but i'm right here?
→ jongkey
→ fluff, romance, slice of life / +5,000 words / pg-13
jonghyun's a teen dad.
a/n: so i've been working on this monster for some weeks now and i am so unbelievably scared to publish this. i was just writing this for fun and for myself but then i got the idea of publishing it and... yea. i'm really insecure about my writing and especially this huge thing, mainly because i'm not a native speaker. please enjoy and feedback would be great great great.
Many people from all over the world settle down in the USA to live the American dream, with its famous people and grand buildings, they think they can build up a carreer with a snap of their fingers and have money streaming into their bank accounts like the Victora falls.
They try to make it in the field of acting, singing or fashion and think producers, scouts or Perez Hilton will be ringing at their door in less than minute.
Many people from all over the world settle down in the USA to live the American dream, and many, oh so many people, get disappointed every day.
Jonghyun Kim, a twenty and one years old, San Fransisco.
When Jonghyun turned eighteen and legal, he had thought he was free. But not free enough.
He was sick of rules and laws, sick of living up promises and asking permission for every step he took, so he had taken all of his money and left to another continent where he would think he'd be more free, where he could do anything he wanted without people looking down on him for the decisions he made or the actions he pulled.
There in America he thought he had found the love of his life, Sora. A korean girl who had lived in America ever since she was a little kid. It was like every other typical lovestory; they bumped into each other on their way to the grocer, got acquainted, fell in love, made love but then... Sora got pregnant.
They had found out way too late and an abortion was out of the question, that's when everything came crashing down on them. Sora was two years older than Jonghyun but still in college, and Jonghyun had only taken the last step from teenager to adult a couple of months back.
They both thought they were free, they both thought they could be careless, but now with a baby on the way, they knew they'd be chained not only to each other-- but to a life with a routine as well.
But that wasn't everything.
One week after the birth of a beautiful baby girl Jonghyun's American dream turned into an American nightmare.
He awoke in the dead of the night by his daughter's crying, which was nothing new- grabbing his pillow and covering his ears as an attempt to catch some more sleep. But minutes later when he didn't hear the familiar hushing sounds, the usual patting on a little back or the rustling of sheets, Jonghyun dragged himself off the couch and shuffled into the bedroom.
That's when everything came crashing down for real. The splinters of the tatters his world had smashed into stung every inch of his body, staying there for days, weeks, months probably years as they turned into a dull ache.
The bed was empty except for his daughter who was bundled up in blankets, little head red from crying and tiny arms making grabbing motions for something or rather someone who wasn't there anymore. The familiar heartbeat of her mother was gone, the warmth that used to envelope her replaced by ice cold memories.
The closets were empty, her shoes were gone, she had taken all of her possessions but left behind her most important one.
Jonghyun was young, careless and most of all; clueless.
Months that felt like years passed by and Jonghyun was taking care of his daughter all by himself. He was way too scared and embarrassed to contact his family, after all they disowned him, the unreceived calls after his leave made that crystal clear.
There were only a few things he was thankful for and that were the fact that he had found a decent job as a Korean tolk that provided him of an okay amount of money for him and his daughter to live of, that he was fluent in English, but also his little girl, who was the only comfort he had, even if she was the cause of all of his problems.
That's why he named her Noah, which means peace and comfort.
Noah was an angel, a beautiful girl with soft brown hair and even softer brown eyes that were even bigger than Jonghyun's. She had thin lips like her mother and the nose of her father. She meant the world to Jonghyun and Jonghyun meant the world to her.
Raising her all by himself was probably, definitely, the hardest task one could've ever given a guy like Jonghyun, he was eighteen and never really had experience with small, fragile things like a little baby. He had thought about getting a new girlfriend, someone who could take care of him and his daughter, someone who would offer their shoulder for him to cry on no matter what time of the day, someone who could support him.
But no girl was good enough.
They were just as young and clueless as Jonghyun, and if even he wasn't capable of getting his shit straight, then why would they?
He couldn't risk ending up with someone as selfish and cold as Sora, he couldn't risk being left behind again.
That's why, when nobody but his daughter could see him, he cried. Even harder than Noah, even more than Noah. It was embarrassing.
He didn't get enough sleep, either because the baby's crying kept him up, or his own crying did. He almost got fired when he didn't show up at work three days in a row without letting his boss know, because he didn't know what to do, because he was googling what temperature milk should have before he could let Noah drink it, because he didn't know what position Noah had to sleep in, because he was clueless as to how you put on diapers.
When he went to work he left his daughter with his eighty year old neighbour Marta who never saw her grand children and was more than happy to take care of the little girl, knowing Jonghyun's past and problems, she was more than willing to release Jonghyun of the little bundle of stress by taking it into her appartment.
("How could I ever repay you?"
"Come over more often.")
There were nights where Noah cried and wouldn't stop, and Jonghyun would be walking around his appartment shirtless with the baby girl in his arms, hushing her and pleading for her to stop, a pacifier in his hand. He would have bags under his eyes the next morning and his boss would question him but he would just dismiss it. Nobody understood anyway.
Jonghyun kept strong though, he had to, for himself and for his daughter. After months and months of taking care of his child, he had found out that the little girl loved it when he sang.
They were both lying in bed and Noah had been crying, but as Jonghyun's fingers started carding through the soft baby hairs, singing a sweet melody in the darkness of the room, Noah's cries diminished to soft hiccups, her little heart began beating slower and her tiny body relaxed against Jonghyun's broad chest.
And the next morning they would wake up next to each other, face to face, and Jonghyun would think how in the world this beautiful little girl had managed to smash his world to smithereens and at the same time helped him keeping his feet onto the ground-- she had changed his life entirely.
Years later and Jonghyun was twenty-one, Noah three.
Life was still difficult but they both managed. Now that the phase of random crying in the middle of the night was over, and Jonghyun didn't have to worry about what position his daughter had to sleep in anymore, a more easier chapter of their life had started.
Noah went to kindergarten and Jonghyun had found a better job at a tech company, sometimes he got offered some extra money for playing the piano at a restaurant or a fancy party, he even had done some gigs at local clubs, but not that often seeing as he had a little baby girl to take care of. But the extra money was perfect to buy Noah new toys or clothes.
He had stopped dating because he was convinced that it was better for Noah, told girls who tried to make a move on him that he already had a daughter (perfect method) and threw away all adult rated movies and magazines for the sake of Noah's innocence.
It was a sunny afternoon in San Francisco and Jonghyun and Noah were at the park. There located was a cute playground where families loved to picknick around and little kids loved to play. There were young nannies on benches reading romantic books about finding Prince Charming as they kept an eye on their bosses' children, lonely wives with a stroller next to them enjoying the warm afternoon sun and the soft breeze of the wind, business men in fancy suits passed by, and if they weren't too busy, crouched down and smiled at the kids who were blowing soap bubbles into the sky.
Noah was playing in the sandbox, building castles with the other kids and Jonghyun was settled down on a bench, elbows resting on the back.
He was wearing simple torn jeans and a loose white tee shirt.
Noah looked at him and smiled, waving her little hand in an exaggerated manner and Jonghyun smiled, waving back. There was a soft chuckle next to him, followed by a soft breeze that swept past his cheek, a fruity smell filling up his nose as the person took the seat next to him.
"What a cutie,"
Jonghyun turned his head to the source of the voice and was met with a boy, probably a college student, he thought as he looked at the strawberry milkshake in between delicate fingers and the psychology notes in between the others.
He looked at light brown locks with colourful streaks in between, like God spilled a rainbow on him when he was trying to create one, and chocolate brown eyes. His eyes caught sight of pretty cheekbones and cute lips and for a moment he felt like he had fallen on his back as the wind got knocked out of his lungs.
Jonghyun smiled when he realised the boy was talking about his daughter and looked back at the sandbox, watching as Noah helped a little girl getting the sand bits off her frilly skirt.
"She sure is," He said as a grin appeared on his lips, the girl now dusting off her own shorts. Jonghyun beckoned her over when they locked eyes, holding out his arms for Noah to run into.
"Your little sister?" The stranger asked, taking a sip of his strawberry milkshake and grinning as he saw the girl excitedly smiling and running over to Jonghyun's outstretched arms.
"Daddy!"
Jonghyun looked at the student as he picked up the little girl and perched her up on his knee, grin still intact. The stranger nodded in understanding, nibbling on the straw of his drink, eyes a bit wider than usual.
Jonghyun acknowledged the boy's confusion and smiled, "Teen dad," He snickered.
"I see..." The student said softly, looking at the toddler and letting a soft smile slip onto his face.
"Hey there sweetie," He greeted Noah, poking her cheek and chuckling when the girl smiled shyly in return.
She leaned back a little and whispered something in her dad's ear, giggling when the other snorted in response. The boy raised his eyebrows as he watched the two interact, "What are you whispering about?" He asked, feigning offense.
Jonghyun eyed his daughter expectantly but the girl just looked at the stranger shyly, little hands grabbing onto her dad's shirt.
The eldest laughed, pulling her closer to his chest. "She said you look like a fairy with your hair,"
The boy smiled, running a hand through the colourful locks, "A fairy huh? Everyone likes fairies," He grinned at Noah who blushed, giving him a small nod.
"So what's your name? I bet it's as pretty as you," The student asked, still bent over with his elbows resting on his knees. Jonghyun smiled at him almost thankfully, but the other didn't notice.
Noah looked up at her dad, who gave her an encouraging nod, "Noah," she murmured softly, burrying her head in Jonghyun's neck as soon as the single word had left her lips. "Told you so," The student smiled, "I'm Key, nice to meet you Noah," He held out his hand for the little girl to shake.
Key saw how Jonghyun nudged his daughter, who turned her head a little so that she could sneak a peek at the pretty stranger. She hesitantly shook his hand, then proceeded to burry her head into her dad's chest again.
"Nice to meet you too, Key," Jonghyun chuckled, sticking out his hand as well and introducing himself, "I'm Jonghyun,"
"Ah, Korean?" Key asked with raised eyebrows, picking up the empty milkshake cup and throwing it in the trash can next to him.
Jonghyun nodded, shining white teeth showing as he smiled and momentarily blinding the younger boy, "I moved here when I turned eighteen,"
"I'm Korean as well but I was born here, my real name is Kibum," Key explained, brushing his colourful bangs out of his eyes and giving the older man a look.
Jonghyun gulped.
"I see," Jonghyun muttered as soon as he was able to catch his breath again, averting his eyes from the student and instead focusing on the kids playing on the swings, his right hand softly carding through Noah's long hair who seemed to enjoy the treatment as she stayed still with her nose pressed against her father's collarbones.
"So, what are you doing here," Jonghyun asked when an uncomfortable silence fell between the two with him just staring ahead and Kibum fiddling with his notes, Noah not really acknowledging what happened around her as she sighed in content when Jonghyun began caressing her small back.
"I was just enjoying the weather," The student shrugged, leaning back against the bench and crossing his long legs. Jonghyun looked at them longer than he should have.
"Daddy, can we go home?" a tiny voice then piped up. Jonghyun looked down at his daughter and Key watched her detatching her face from the other man's broad chest. He probably stared at it longer than he should have as well.
"Are you tired?" Jonghyun asked affectionately, voice remarkably softer and sweeter when he talked to the little girl. Noah nodded, rubbing her eyes.
"Alright," He let out a soft sigh and planted a kiss on her cheek, "let's go then,"
Key watched them interact and let a soft smile bloom onto his pink lips, something so beautiful and pure spreading through his chest as he saw Jonghyun standing up and holding her against his body with one arm.
"It was nice meeting you, Key," Jonghyun said in all honestly, showing off one of his handsome smiles. Key blushed and stood up, "It was very nice meeting you two too," He laughed softly. The eldest watched as the sun shone onto the other's pale face and high cheekbones, the colours of his hair dancing in the light and creating something much prettier than a rainbow.
"Bye fairy," Noah giggled shyly, waving her small hand and shaking her dad out of his daydream. Jonghyun chuckled embarrassedly.
"Right," He scratched the back of his head, "Maybe we'll see each other again," He added to make up for his prior mistake.
And with that he turned around and headed home.
Days passed by and Jonghyun never had the time to bring Noah to the park again. (He told himself he was doing it for Noah but he was actually just doing it for himself.) In between bringing and picking her up from kindergarten he had to go to work, prepare dinner, clean the house and run errands. The life of a single dad certainly wasn't easy.
It was two weeks later when Noah was at school and Jonghyun had a day off and was spending it on cleaning their livingroom. It was one miserable heap of barbie dolls and colouring pencils, papers that were messily scrabbled on thanks to a certain artsy girl scattered all over the floor and pillows thrown everywhere from the previous night when they were building forts.
Jonghyun was only dressed in a pair of sweats, picking up the toys and neatly putting them back into their designated boxes, almost tripping over Noah's barbie house. His daughter sure knew how to make a mess.
When he was done with the dishwater, had made up the bed and finished their dirty laundry he went to put on some decent clothes to go out to the store for food so that he could fix a proper dinner later that evening. He decided for something healthy because he had given Noah waffles and pancakes for breakfast three days in a row now, and he was fully intending on raising her like a lady, not a piggy.
He put on a black tee shirt with a flashy, colourful graphic on and a pair of light acid washed jeans. He quickly fixed his hair with a comb and some styling gel as to not make it look like he just came out of bed and took off. His dark blue Converses scraped over the pavement when he tried putting his wallet in the back pocket of his jeans and all the while handling his keys and cellphone-- but after momentarily making a fool out of himself he fell back into step and continued his journey to the store.
Jonghyun wasn't the best cook out there but he did his research, and sometimes his neighbour Marta would help him, but she had gotten old over the years so her visits started to diminish. There were times when he dared to be risky and try something entirely new, but Noah let him know loud and clear when she didn't like the meals he had prepared. Sometimes he wished he could just fix her a sandwich for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
The sun was hanging high and hot above San Francisco, obliging the American citizens to protect their eyes with a pair of sunglasses. Jonghyun summed up all the ingredients he had to buy on his fingers and stepped inside one of the little grocery shops. He grabbed a basket and threw in all the stuff he knew-- or thought-- he would need to make something healthy for himself and his daughter. Something with alot of fruits and vegetables (though he did scrunch up his nose when he looked at the broccoli).
When the cashier had put everything in a plastic bag and gave him back his change he stepped back out and peered over his sunglasses to detect his surroundings. On the other side of the street he caught sight of familiar rainbow coloured streaks in light brown hair, long legs and an over all lean body. He smiled softly and took a step forward, "Hey Key !"
The student looked up from where he was standing at a coffeeshop, notes in his right hand, cellphone in his other. Jonghyun chuckled at the other's confused expression, but when he finally recognised the older man he held up his hand and gave a cute wave.
Jonghyun looked right, left, and then right again, before crossing the street and jogging his way over to Key, "Hey, how are you," He said, panting a little, a smile that shouldn't have been so bright but was it anyway, clear and obvious, on his face.
Key smiled, "I'm good, busy, but good, how about you ?"
"I'm okay," Jonghyun nodded, looking at the notes in Kibum's hand and figuring he just came back from cultural science, "just went shopping for food," He grinned, holding up the plastic bag.
"I see," Key smiled softly. He jerked his head to entrance of the coffeeshop they were standing at, "Say, I was just about to grab some coffee, care to join me?"
Jonghyun pursed his lips in thought and took a look at his wristwatch. "Yeah, sure," He complied and followed the younger boy into the little shop.
It wasn't crowded apart from the typical students who were hanging around there, spending their free time in between classes there with their friends. Or the ones who were seated at the far back with their laptop, doing a last minute check up on their essay about The Civil War.
Kibum and Jonghyun picked out a table with little sofas that were much more comfortable than the chairs, having ordered a caramel and a moccha frappuccino, topped with whipped cream and chocolate sauce.
"So you're a student ?" Jonghyun asked, putting the plastic bag next to him on the ground and motioned with his head to the notes that were now on the table separating them. Kibum nodded.
"I major in psychology at CCSF," He explained, "what about you?"
"I work at a tech company, nothing interesting," Jonghyun shrugged, leaning back against the sofa so that the waiter could put their drinks on the table.
"Ah, right," Kibum grinned, taking a sip of the cold treat, "Teen dad,"
Jonghyun grinned back, nodding.
"What about your wife, or girlfriend," Kibum asked, licking the whipped cream off his upper lip, making Jonghyun squirm in his seat a little. It was unfair.
And oh so ridiculous how he could get so affected by Kibum while he was bringing up Sora, it was a horrible combination.
"Left," He explained curltly, "a week after Noah was born," He added a shrug as if it didn't really matter, while it actually did. He refused to show his weak side, over the span of three years he had gotten stronger and he wanted to keep it like that. First of all, he didn't want to bother other people with his problems, and second, he refused to be an open book about it. Problems were there to get fixed, not to spread and cry over. (Even though he had done the latter more than enough, Noah was a witness of that.)
Kibum nodded in understanding, not wanting to pry and therefore starting another subject, "So how old is Noah?"
Jonghyun's face lit up at the mention of his daughter, "Three," He said proudly, holding up three fingers like the little girl would always do when asked what her age was.
"And how old are you?" Kibum then asked with curious eyes, "I'm nineteen by the way," he quickly added.
"Twenty-one," Jonghyun's voice was muffled by the straw in his mouth.
"So you were eighteen when you got her," Kibum sounded astonished, swirling his straw as he stared at the older man. Jonghyun chuckled.
"How did you manage?" The student asked almost disbelievingly, placing the straw back to his lips.
Jonghyun shrugged for what felt like the hundredth time that day, "I can manage a lot of things," He decided to say, a playful grin slipping onto his face. Kibum smirked, leaning back a bit and crossing his legs, "Is that so? I guess I need to find out to see if that's true,"
Was he flirting with him?
"You should," Jonghyun said, maybe a bit too seductively, but Kibum had been the same so he couldn't really care less.
Jonghyun went home after their little meeting with something in his chest that wouldn't seem to go away. He had been attracted to boys before but had never really made a move on one, that's why he only had ex-girlfriends and no ex-boyfriends. Kibum was really something, though. He made Jonghyun laugh and smile and feel like a teenager again. Even if he knew he was still pretty close to still being one, Kibum just made him feel like he was just like him.
Jonghyun knew he had missed the chapter in his life where he could go to parties every night and have one-night stands thrice a week, the chapter where he could do all kinds of crazy, irresponsible stuff like travel abroad with a couple of friends, get drunk, get high, all that jazz. But from the moment Noah came into his life, he knew he would never be able to do all that. Especially after Sora left him.
In the end... he wasn't really that affected by the skipped chapter. Because Noah was so much better than any party he could go to, better than any amount of one-night stands he could have per week, and way better than getting drunk or high.
("No daddy, the red one!"
"Oh you want the red pencil?"
"Yes!"
"You can't have it, it's mine."
"Daddy, pretty pretty please!")
When Jonghyun had picked Noah up from kindergarten a few hours later, he still hadn't taken his mind off Key. The boy was just so bright and nice and his rainbow hair was so pretty when the sun shone on it, reflecting the colours and making them dance in the light.
Only when he felt a small hand pulling at his jeans did he snap out of his revere, looking down at the little girl who eyed him curiously with big, brown eyes.
He was standing at the counter stirring the pot of soup that he was preparing for dinner, but Noah had noticed him zoning out and went to bring her daddy back to reality.
"Daddy?" She asked in a high-pitched voice. Jonghyun closed his eyes and shook his head a little as if trying to shake the thoughts out of his head. "Yes sweetie?" He asked then with a smile.
Noah didn't reply and went back to her toys on the kitchenfloor, not being fond of being alone and therefore following her father everywhere. When he was cooking, when he was doing the laundry, even when he took a shower.
Jonghyun thought that maybe it was because she didn't have a mother and thus didn't have that familiar safety, that natural warmth. Maybe she felt lonely, or even abandoned.
Or maybe it was because they had always shared a bed and she had become accustomed to his warmth and heartbeat. Hell, sometimes he even took her with him under the shower.
Jonghyun made a mental note to do some research on that.
When the soup started bubbling Jonghyun turned down the fire, picking Noah up from the floor and perching her up on his hip.
"Do you like veggie soup?" He asked, scooping some up with a spoon and tasting, smacking his lips in appreciation. Then he held the spoon in front of Noah, letting her have a taste as well.
He looked at her expectantly and frowned when she scrunched up her small nose.
"You don't like it?" He asked with a smalll pout, making the little girl giggle. She poked the bottom lip that her dad had jutted out so cutely with a little finger.
Jonghyun chuckled, kissing her nose and proceeding to put her down in the dark green baby chair. "You're going to eat it anyway,"
Noah whined.
It was an hour later after they were done with dinner and Jonghyun and Noah were settled down on the couch in front of the tv. The girl was cuddled against her father's chest, thumb in her mouth. They were watching Peter Pan but it seemed that Noah wasn't really interested, almost falling asleep to the familiar body warmth and comforting heartbeat against her back.
Until, that is, Tinkerbell appeared on screen and the little girl perked up. With her free hand she pointed at the television, "Fairy!" she squealed, voice muffled by the thumb in her mouth.
Jonghyun laughed, "Yes, fairy,"
Noah turned around in Jonghyun's lap. "Key!" she said excitedly, big eyes staring up at Jonghyun.
The man laughed at how his daughter still remembered the name of the student they had met at the park, "What's with Key?"
"I wanna play!" The girl squeeked.
"You wanna play with Key?" Jonghyun questioned, brows raising and a frown becoming clear on his forehead.
Noah nodded her head, mumbling something unintelligent, but Jonghyun managed to pick up "pretty hair" and "rainbow".
He chuckled, "Tomorrow we'll go back to the park, maybe Key will be there, too," Jonghyun told her and smiled at how the little girl's eyes started twinkling. "I'll even buy you ice cream!" He added just because he loved seeing how her eyes lit up like they were little stars. It kind of reminded him of Sora, making the action feel bitter sweet. His heart cringed.
("Your eyes twinkle when you smile,"
"Do they now?"
"Yeah, it's pretty,")
"Ice cream!" Noah clapped her hands in excitement causing Jonghyun to smile softly, his hand going up to stroke his daughter's soft brown hair.
The girl fell back against his chest, thumb resuming its familiar position in her mouth and eyes trained on how Peter Pan was trying to learn Wendy how to fly.
Her tired eyes didn't make it till the end.
part 2