Star Trek Fic - Penance Chapter Ten
PENANCE Chapter Ten
by SlwMtionDaylite
Written for reel_startrek, Round Two
Based upon the film Atonement, written by Christopher Hampton (based upon the novel by Ian McEwan) and directed by Joe Wright
Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I own nothing. Paramount, et al. own all. I really wish they would let me borrow Spock for a while though. Atonement owned by Universal Pictures, Studio Canal, Relativity Media and Working Title Films.
Rating: Strong R/M
Genre: Romance, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Action/Adventure
Characters/Pairing: Kirk, Spock/Uhura
Word Count (Chapter Ten): ~2650
Beta: jlneveloff
Warnings: Language. Sexual situations, violence
Summary: Alternate Universe. This is the story of a young cadet that sees something he thinks he understands. But he doesn’t.
CHAPTER TEN - COWARDICE OF A DETERMINED MAN
Starfleet Headquarters, Andoria
Twenty-one days earlier
Starfleet, in the course of two disastrous years, had become much more militaristic than it had been. Men and women marched up and down the narrow corridors of the makeshift headquarters, a former government building the Andorians had given to Starfleet after Earth's destruction, in single file lines. There was no happiness, no laughing, and no joking. Only sorrow and hardness remained.
Nearly everyone had suffered great losses the day Nero arrived and began his attack upon the Federation for reasons that were still unknown. It had started with Vulcan. Survivors of the destroyed vessels that had been deployed to aid in the distress call - survivors of the Enterprise - had watched helplessly on the cold icy terrain of Delta Vega as the planet above them, high in the sky, disintegrated before disappearing all together.
A few short hours later, Earth met the same grisly fate.
Kirk had changed that day. No longer was he the brash arrogant cadet who had everything to live for. And didn't believe in no-win scenarios.
He reached up and ran a finger across the long jagged scar across his right cheek. It was still fresh and he was still unused to it.
He followed the single file line of officers of various ranks, trailing behind the Admiral.
No, he ceased believing every situation was winnable long before Vulcan imploded. When he watched a sobbing Uhura close the door in his face four years ago, he stopped believing in no-win scenarios. She had never spoken to him again afterwards. And contrary to McCoy's insistence, she never came to understand that he was only trying to help her.
Instead, he had watched from afar as she sobbed in Gaila's arms, the Orion glaring at him over her friend's shoulder. He had watched her sit under the old willow tree, writing on a PADD every day. Sometimes, she'd be crying. But he had never dared approach her.
Her angry words, citing his jealousy of the situation, still rang in his head. Was he? Had he been? Had he desired her so intently that it had clouded his own interpretations of the scenes that had played out before him?
He didn't know.
And the former commander had never denied the accusations.
But he sometimes wondered...
He halted behind his companions when the Admiral came to a sudden stop.
She turned and faced them, her cold brown eyes hard. She had been promoted to admiral shortly after Earth's destruction that killed most of Starfleet's elite officers. She was relatively young but she took her job very seriously. Kirk knew she was a good admiral, a good leader. Before her promotion, she had served under Captain Pike as First Officer - a position that originally had been promised to Spock before his discharge.
Captain Pike was presumed dead and had been ever since that fateful day when he had been ordered to surrender himself to the Narada. That had been the last day anyone had seen him. The Admiral, Pike's Number One, found herself promoted on the battlefield. But she took the unforeseen promotion with a grace and efficiency that possibility saved most onboard.
Kirk still remembered vividly when Number One had ordered everyone to the escape pods just as Nero unleashed his relentless attack on the Enterprise, angered that Spock had not been onboard.
Kirk knew he owed her a great debt.
"We will be shipping out several small units to Romulus within a week's time. Their mission is of utmost secrecy and importance." The Admiral spoke with authority. She did not welcome interruption.
Kirk sighed softly and looked around the cool corridor. It still took him a while to adjust to the new headquarters whenever he arrived. He was still not used to it. He wondered briefly why he had even been ordered here. He wasn't a captain or a commanding officer. So, why was he here among lieutenant commanders, commanders and captains? He looked despondently at the back of the head of the officer in front of him.
He thought of Uhura often. He wondered if it would be possible for him to get in touch with her. Would she even want to talk to him? Or would she reject him outright?
He dropped his head, his eyes closing.
"Am I boring you, Lieutenant Kirk?"
He jerked his head up and looked at the Admiral. "No, ma'am."
She regarded him coldly, her eyes squinting slightly. "I want to see you in my office, Lieutenant." She looked at the other officers. "The rest of you are dismissed." She pivoted and headed further down the hall.
Kirk sighed bitterly and followed her.
*****
When the door closed with a gentle swoosh, the Admiral turned to look at him. "Is Starfleet at all important to you, Lieutenant?"
Kirk's eyes widened at her question. Important? Why would she ask him that? "Of course, it is, Admiral. Very important." It was all he had left.
She looked at him, studying him intently.
He grew uneasy in her presence, shifting on his feet. He placed his hands behind his back, but quickly decided that was uncomfortable and awkward and dropped them to his sides.
"You violated an order issued by your captain during your last mission, did you not?"
Kirk's eyes widened and he steeled himself for the impending punishment. There was no reason to lie. She has obviously read the captain's report. "Yes, Admiral."
She crossed her arms. "Captain Hartway left many details out of his report. So I'm going to give you this rare opportunity to explain yourself. I suggest you take it."
Kirk took a deep breath. "Admiral, we received a distress call from a private vessel explaining that it was under attack and needed assistance."
She nodded slowly. "Continue."
"When we arrived, we found the ship was under attack by several Romulan Birds-of-Prey. They were losing life support quickly; their impulse drive was compromised. However, our ship had also been seriously damaged in a conflict with the Romulans earlier that day. Captain Hartway decided the risk was not worth it, and ordered the helm to turn back around."
"And you disagreed?"
"Yes, Admiral."
"Explain."
"Ma'am, since the attacks by Nero and the Romulans began, each remaining member of Vulcan, of Earth, has become precious. The Federation's numbers are seriously depleted. If we have any hope of winning this war, we need every person we have. We cannot just let a group of Vulcans perish because it may be dangerous for us. We joined Starfleet knowing there was a potential risk involved. Just because that risk has now become certain, we cannot ignore our primary objective. To protect the Federation and its citizens. At all costs."
She nodded slowly.
He cleared his throat and put his hands behind his back once more.
The Admiral moved to her desk and sat behind it, reaching across and turning on her terminal. "Captain Wesley needs a new First Officer onboard the Lexington. I'm promoting you to Commander and assigning you to him."
Kirk's eyes bulged. "But...why?" She just said it herself; he was guilty of disobeying direct orders.
Her eyes softened slightly and she sighed. "Because this war needs someone who still cares. And you do."
Kirk was silent for a moment. Did he still care? He didn't know, but she seemed confident that he did. "Yes, ma'am."
*****
Kirk was still rattled with his sudden and unexpected promotion after he left Captain Wesley's office, where he had spent the past several hours in an attempt to become familiar with the man before they were due to depart within a week's time.
They were set to deploy several mercenary troops to Romulus. For some mission. He didn't know the details. He hadn't been allowed to know the details.
He sighed, roaming the halls. He still hated this place. He headed for the records office.
Opening the door, he was greeted by a friendly young Bolian female, seated behind a large counter. She was quite attractive with her blue skin and bald head.
"Good day, Commander. How may I help you?" She smiled politely.
He smiled in kind and leaned against the counter, behind her terminal. "Hi..."
"Alandra," she supplied, her eyes teasing.
"Alandra." He gave her a nod. "I’m hoping you'd be able to help me."
"That's what I'm here for."
"Can you tell me where an officer's been assigned?"
Alandra turned to her computer. "It would depend on if that information's been classified or not."
Kirk nodded. "Yeah, I realize that."
She smiled. "So who do you want me to look up?"
He cleared his throat. "Uh, last I saw her, it was Lieutenant Uhura. First name still unknown."
The Bolian nodded and entered the information into the terminal. The computer chirped and pinged, as it parsed the databases.
"Okay. There's a Lieutenant Nyota Uhura who was assigned to the Enterprise before it was destroyed. Is that who you're looking for?"
Kirk nodded. "That's the one. Where is she assigned now?"
Alandra pressed a few more buttons. "She's not assigned anywhere."
"What?" Did something happen to her? The thought put him on edge. "Is she..." He couldn't finish.
"Is she dead?" She looked for confirmation of his question.
He nodded slowly.
She looked at the screen again. "No. It says here that she resigned almost two years ago."
Kirk had not expected that. "Uh...do you have a forwarding address or something like that?"
Alandra sighed slowly. She looked around her carefully. "I don't think I'm really allowed to give you that information."
Kirk wasn't at all surprised by this. In fact, he had expected that answer when he asked. "I realize that. But, Alandra, I would really appreciate it."
She narrowed her eyes at him. "I'm not...”
He leaned heavily against the counter, looking downwards. "Have you ever made a mistake that you wished you could change? That you dream of going back in time and taking back everything you said. Because you thought you were helping someone, when you were actually pushing them away. Have you ever made a mistake so great that it consumes you? That it controls you?"
The Bolian looked around, hesitant. She sighed sadly.
*****
"Ow!" Kirk exclaimed.
"Don't be such an infant." McCoy berated his friend, removing the hypospray from Kirk's neck.
The newly-promoted Commander leaned back against the cold unforgiving surface of the biobed. He looked around the sickbay. It was cramped. Small. Dark. It wasn't something his friend liked - Bones preferred a brightly lit sickbay - but it was something they all had to make do with.
"Honestly, Jim. What the hell were you thinking? Sleeping with a Bolian." Bones shook his head in disbelief. He prepared another hypospray.
Kirk just sighed.
"Fatigue, joint inflammation. Nausea. These are all things first year cadets learn in interspecies anatomy. Their internal chemistry is corrosive. I hope to hell she was worth it." Bones applied another hypospray to Kirk's neck. "That's for the inflammation."
Kirk nodded.
"Well, was it?"
Kirk looked at him. "Was it what?"
Bones rolled his eyes. "Worth it?"
"You worry too much, Bones." Kirk sat up slowly. His stomach still felt weak, but it was slowly getting better.
McCoy scoffed. "Well, someone has to. You certainly don't. Going off on missions half-cocked. Disobeying direct orders. Seriously, Jim, are you trying to get yourself killed?"
Kirk rolled his eyes. "Not this again."
"Yes, this again. Seriously, Jim. What the hell are you doing?"
Kirk sighed. "I don't know. Honestly, I don't. Maybe, I think someone needs to care. We're in the middle of a war. And some of Starfleet's officials only seem to be concerned with winning that they're forgetting one important aspect. The citizens. The people who were also affected."
"Bullshit. That's not it, and you know it." Bones didn't believe him. "This is connected to that night four years ago, isn't it?"
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"Whatever, Jim."
"You asked me if Alandra was worth it. Yeah. I got what I needed."
"And that was?"
Kirk held out a small PADD. "I found her."
"Who?"
Kirk rolled his eyes. "Uhura. I got her address. She's here. She's on Andoria."
"Are you really sure you want to go down that road again? Haven't you fucked it up enough already?"
Kirk glared at him. "If I recall, it was you who told me she would come around. That she would see that I was only trying to help."
"Yeah, and I’ve also said a lot of other things. Don't you think it's time to put this behind you? She's gone. She's not going to come back and suddenly decide that you were trying to help her. I made a mistake, you made a mistake. And it cost you her."
Kirk sighed. "What if I try to fix it?"
"Fix it? And how are you going to do that?"
"I don’t know. I'll think of something."
Bones sighed.
*****
Seven days later
The Lexington was due to depart tomorrow. But Kirk could not wait until his return to see Uhura. It took him a week to build up the courage to see her. He needed to go now. If he didn't, he would probably lose that courage when he returned.
If he returned.
For that was an unwelcomed and unpleasant reality. It was never for certain that he would return after each mission. And each mission seemed to grow more and more dangerous.
And this mission was probably one of the most dangerous of all. They were set to enter Romulan space, to take the battle to Romulus. Kirk didn't know what would happen there. He didn't know if they would succeed, if they would survive.
He approached the Shelter slowly. He'd been told by a helpful elderly Andorian female that this was where Nyota - Uhura - worked. It was a drab, depressing building. He knew it was good work, noble work she was attempting, but he couldn't help but wonder why. Why was she subjecting herself to the horrors, the sadness of the broken Vulcans? She belonged in space, making contact with new alien species, learning new and exciting languages.
But that was another life.
Kirk halted.
She stood at the entrance, wrapped in a tight embrace with him.
Spock.
Kirk wasn't sure what to do now. He had not anticipated the presence of the very Vulcan whose life he had fucked up so royally.
Spock drew her into a deep kiss, passion, desperation and despair evident in the way he held her.
Kirk was surprised by how much the former Commander had changed. He seemed paler, thinner. Spock had carried himself confidently at the Academy. Sure of himself. Now, he seemed...
There was a vulnerability to Spock that Kirk wasn't sure how to deal with. So he stood still.
The lovers - and Kirk could not deny that they loved each other as he watched them - parted and Uhura slipped something into Spock's jacket pocket. They spoke to each other quietly before she kissed him once more.
Spock and Kirk watched earnestly when she stepped away reluctantly from Spock and entered the dreadful building.
Kirk took a step forward then stopped. No. He did not think it was appropriate to approach the Vulcan.
Spock looked around, taking in the sights of the Andorians going about their daily business. His eyes scanned across the street.
Kirk felt his heart leap into his throat. He knew instantly when Spock spotted him.
Spock's eyes widened. He straightened himself and his mouth thinned. He took a step forward.
Kirk thought he was headed toward him. He panicked. He wasn't ready to talk to him. He didn't think he ever would be.
So, when an Andorian carrying a large cart passed by, Kirk took the advantage and slipped behind it and out of Spock's sight.
by SlwMtionDaylite
Written for reel_startrek, Round Two
Based upon the film Atonement, written by Christopher Hampton (based upon the novel by Ian McEwan) and directed by Joe Wright
Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I own nothing. Paramount, et al. own all. I really wish they would let me borrow Spock for a while though. Atonement owned by Universal Pictures, Studio Canal, Relativity Media and Working Title Films.
Rating: Strong R/M
Genre: Romance, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Action/Adventure
Characters/Pairing: Kirk, Spock/Uhura
Word Count (Chapter Ten): ~2650
Beta: jlneveloff
Warnings: Language. Sexual situations, violence
Summary: Alternate Universe. This is the story of a young cadet that sees something he thinks he understands. But he doesn’t.
CHAPTER TEN - COWARDICE OF A DETERMINED MAN
Starfleet Headquarters, Andoria
Twenty-one days earlier
Starfleet, in the course of two disastrous years, had become much more militaristic than it had been. Men and women marched up and down the narrow corridors of the makeshift headquarters, a former government building the Andorians had given to Starfleet after Earth's destruction, in single file lines. There was no happiness, no laughing, and no joking. Only sorrow and hardness remained.
Nearly everyone had suffered great losses the day Nero arrived and began his attack upon the Federation for reasons that were still unknown. It had started with Vulcan. Survivors of the destroyed vessels that had been deployed to aid in the distress call - survivors of the Enterprise - had watched helplessly on the cold icy terrain of Delta Vega as the planet above them, high in the sky, disintegrated before disappearing all together.
A few short hours later, Earth met the same grisly fate.
Kirk had changed that day. No longer was he the brash arrogant cadet who had everything to live for. And didn't believe in no-win scenarios.
He reached up and ran a finger across the long jagged scar across his right cheek. It was still fresh and he was still unused to it.
He followed the single file line of officers of various ranks, trailing behind the Admiral.
No, he ceased believing every situation was winnable long before Vulcan imploded. When he watched a sobbing Uhura close the door in his face four years ago, he stopped believing in no-win scenarios. She had never spoken to him again afterwards. And contrary to McCoy's insistence, she never came to understand that he was only trying to help her.
Instead, he had watched from afar as she sobbed in Gaila's arms, the Orion glaring at him over her friend's shoulder. He had watched her sit under the old willow tree, writing on a PADD every day. Sometimes, she'd be crying. But he had never dared approach her.
Her angry words, citing his jealousy of the situation, still rang in his head. Was he? Had he been? Had he desired her so intently that it had clouded his own interpretations of the scenes that had played out before him?
He didn't know.
And the former commander had never denied the accusations.
But he sometimes wondered...
He halted behind his companions when the Admiral came to a sudden stop.
She turned and faced them, her cold brown eyes hard. She had been promoted to admiral shortly after Earth's destruction that killed most of Starfleet's elite officers. She was relatively young but she took her job very seriously. Kirk knew she was a good admiral, a good leader. Before her promotion, she had served under Captain Pike as First Officer - a position that originally had been promised to Spock before his discharge.
Captain Pike was presumed dead and had been ever since that fateful day when he had been ordered to surrender himself to the Narada. That had been the last day anyone had seen him. The Admiral, Pike's Number One, found herself promoted on the battlefield. But she took the unforeseen promotion with a grace and efficiency that possibility saved most onboard.
Kirk still remembered vividly when Number One had ordered everyone to the escape pods just as Nero unleashed his relentless attack on the Enterprise, angered that Spock had not been onboard.
Kirk knew he owed her a great debt.
"We will be shipping out several small units to Romulus within a week's time. Their mission is of utmost secrecy and importance." The Admiral spoke with authority. She did not welcome interruption.
Kirk sighed softly and looked around the cool corridor. It still took him a while to adjust to the new headquarters whenever he arrived. He was still not used to it. He wondered briefly why he had even been ordered here. He wasn't a captain or a commanding officer. So, why was he here among lieutenant commanders, commanders and captains? He looked despondently at the back of the head of the officer in front of him.
He thought of Uhura often. He wondered if it would be possible for him to get in touch with her. Would she even want to talk to him? Or would she reject him outright?
He dropped his head, his eyes closing.
"Am I boring you, Lieutenant Kirk?"
He jerked his head up and looked at the Admiral. "No, ma'am."
She regarded him coldly, her eyes squinting slightly. "I want to see you in my office, Lieutenant." She looked at the other officers. "The rest of you are dismissed." She pivoted and headed further down the hall.
Kirk sighed bitterly and followed her.
*****
When the door closed with a gentle swoosh, the Admiral turned to look at him. "Is Starfleet at all important to you, Lieutenant?"
Kirk's eyes widened at her question. Important? Why would she ask him that? "Of course, it is, Admiral. Very important." It was all he had left.
She looked at him, studying him intently.
He grew uneasy in her presence, shifting on his feet. He placed his hands behind his back, but quickly decided that was uncomfortable and awkward and dropped them to his sides.
"You violated an order issued by your captain during your last mission, did you not?"
Kirk's eyes widened and he steeled himself for the impending punishment. There was no reason to lie. She has obviously read the captain's report. "Yes, Admiral."
She crossed her arms. "Captain Hartway left many details out of his report. So I'm going to give you this rare opportunity to explain yourself. I suggest you take it."
Kirk took a deep breath. "Admiral, we received a distress call from a private vessel explaining that it was under attack and needed assistance."
She nodded slowly. "Continue."
"When we arrived, we found the ship was under attack by several Romulan Birds-of-Prey. They were losing life support quickly; their impulse drive was compromised. However, our ship had also been seriously damaged in a conflict with the Romulans earlier that day. Captain Hartway decided the risk was not worth it, and ordered the helm to turn back around."
"And you disagreed?"
"Yes, Admiral."
"Explain."
"Ma'am, since the attacks by Nero and the Romulans began, each remaining member of Vulcan, of Earth, has become precious. The Federation's numbers are seriously depleted. If we have any hope of winning this war, we need every person we have. We cannot just let a group of Vulcans perish because it may be dangerous for us. We joined Starfleet knowing there was a potential risk involved. Just because that risk has now become certain, we cannot ignore our primary objective. To protect the Federation and its citizens. At all costs."
She nodded slowly.
He cleared his throat and put his hands behind his back once more.
The Admiral moved to her desk and sat behind it, reaching across and turning on her terminal. "Captain Wesley needs a new First Officer onboard the Lexington. I'm promoting you to Commander and assigning you to him."
Kirk's eyes bulged. "But...why?" She just said it herself; he was guilty of disobeying direct orders.
Her eyes softened slightly and she sighed. "Because this war needs someone who still cares. And you do."
Kirk was silent for a moment. Did he still care? He didn't know, but she seemed confident that he did. "Yes, ma'am."
*****
Kirk was still rattled with his sudden and unexpected promotion after he left Captain Wesley's office, where he had spent the past several hours in an attempt to become familiar with the man before they were due to depart within a week's time.
They were set to deploy several mercenary troops to Romulus. For some mission. He didn't know the details. He hadn't been allowed to know the details.
He sighed, roaming the halls. He still hated this place. He headed for the records office.
Opening the door, he was greeted by a friendly young Bolian female, seated behind a large counter. She was quite attractive with her blue skin and bald head.
"Good day, Commander. How may I help you?" She smiled politely.
He smiled in kind and leaned against the counter, behind her terminal. "Hi..."
"Alandra," she supplied, her eyes teasing.
"Alandra." He gave her a nod. "I’m hoping you'd be able to help me."
"That's what I'm here for."
"Can you tell me where an officer's been assigned?"
Alandra turned to her computer. "It would depend on if that information's been classified or not."
Kirk nodded. "Yeah, I realize that."
She smiled. "So who do you want me to look up?"
He cleared his throat. "Uh, last I saw her, it was Lieutenant Uhura. First name still unknown."
The Bolian nodded and entered the information into the terminal. The computer chirped and pinged, as it parsed the databases.
"Okay. There's a Lieutenant Nyota Uhura who was assigned to the Enterprise before it was destroyed. Is that who you're looking for?"
Kirk nodded. "That's the one. Where is she assigned now?"
Alandra pressed a few more buttons. "She's not assigned anywhere."
"What?" Did something happen to her? The thought put him on edge. "Is she..." He couldn't finish.
"Is she dead?" She looked for confirmation of his question.
He nodded slowly.
She looked at the screen again. "No. It says here that she resigned almost two years ago."
Kirk had not expected that. "Uh...do you have a forwarding address or something like that?"
Alandra sighed slowly. She looked around her carefully. "I don't think I'm really allowed to give you that information."
Kirk wasn't at all surprised by this. In fact, he had expected that answer when he asked. "I realize that. But, Alandra, I would really appreciate it."
She narrowed her eyes at him. "I'm not...”
He leaned heavily against the counter, looking downwards. "Have you ever made a mistake that you wished you could change? That you dream of going back in time and taking back everything you said. Because you thought you were helping someone, when you were actually pushing them away. Have you ever made a mistake so great that it consumes you? That it controls you?"
The Bolian looked around, hesitant. She sighed sadly.
*****
"Ow!" Kirk exclaimed.
"Don't be such an infant." McCoy berated his friend, removing the hypospray from Kirk's neck.
The newly-promoted Commander leaned back against the cold unforgiving surface of the biobed. He looked around the sickbay. It was cramped. Small. Dark. It wasn't something his friend liked - Bones preferred a brightly lit sickbay - but it was something they all had to make do with.
"Honestly, Jim. What the hell were you thinking? Sleeping with a Bolian." Bones shook his head in disbelief. He prepared another hypospray.
Kirk just sighed.
"Fatigue, joint inflammation. Nausea. These are all things first year cadets learn in interspecies anatomy. Their internal chemistry is corrosive. I hope to hell she was worth it." Bones applied another hypospray to Kirk's neck. "That's for the inflammation."
Kirk nodded.
"Well, was it?"
Kirk looked at him. "Was it what?"
Bones rolled his eyes. "Worth it?"
"You worry too much, Bones." Kirk sat up slowly. His stomach still felt weak, but it was slowly getting better.
McCoy scoffed. "Well, someone has to. You certainly don't. Going off on missions half-cocked. Disobeying direct orders. Seriously, Jim, are you trying to get yourself killed?"
Kirk rolled his eyes. "Not this again."
"Yes, this again. Seriously, Jim. What the hell are you doing?"
Kirk sighed. "I don't know. Honestly, I don't. Maybe, I think someone needs to care. We're in the middle of a war. And some of Starfleet's officials only seem to be concerned with winning that they're forgetting one important aspect. The citizens. The people who were also affected."
"Bullshit. That's not it, and you know it." Bones didn't believe him. "This is connected to that night four years ago, isn't it?"
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"Whatever, Jim."
"You asked me if Alandra was worth it. Yeah. I got what I needed."
"And that was?"
Kirk held out a small PADD. "I found her."
"Who?"
Kirk rolled his eyes. "Uhura. I got her address. She's here. She's on Andoria."
"Are you really sure you want to go down that road again? Haven't you fucked it up enough already?"
Kirk glared at him. "If I recall, it was you who told me she would come around. That she would see that I was only trying to help."
"Yeah, and I’ve also said a lot of other things. Don't you think it's time to put this behind you? She's gone. She's not going to come back and suddenly decide that you were trying to help her. I made a mistake, you made a mistake. And it cost you her."
Kirk sighed. "What if I try to fix it?"
"Fix it? And how are you going to do that?"
"I don’t know. I'll think of something."
Bones sighed.
*****
Seven days later
The Lexington was due to depart tomorrow. But Kirk could not wait until his return to see Uhura. It took him a week to build up the courage to see her. He needed to go now. If he didn't, he would probably lose that courage when he returned.
If he returned.
For that was an unwelcomed and unpleasant reality. It was never for certain that he would return after each mission. And each mission seemed to grow more and more dangerous.
And this mission was probably one of the most dangerous of all. They were set to enter Romulan space, to take the battle to Romulus. Kirk didn't know what would happen there. He didn't know if they would succeed, if they would survive.
He approached the Shelter slowly. He'd been told by a helpful elderly Andorian female that this was where Nyota - Uhura - worked. It was a drab, depressing building. He knew it was good work, noble work she was attempting, but he couldn't help but wonder why. Why was she subjecting herself to the horrors, the sadness of the broken Vulcans? She belonged in space, making contact with new alien species, learning new and exciting languages.
But that was another life.
Kirk halted.
She stood at the entrance, wrapped in a tight embrace with him.
Spock.
Kirk wasn't sure what to do now. He had not anticipated the presence of the very Vulcan whose life he had fucked up so royally.
Spock drew her into a deep kiss, passion, desperation and despair evident in the way he held her.
Kirk was surprised by how much the former Commander had changed. He seemed paler, thinner. Spock had carried himself confidently at the Academy. Sure of himself. Now, he seemed...
There was a vulnerability to Spock that Kirk wasn't sure how to deal with. So he stood still.
The lovers - and Kirk could not deny that they loved each other as he watched them - parted and Uhura slipped something into Spock's jacket pocket. They spoke to each other quietly before she kissed him once more.
Spock and Kirk watched earnestly when she stepped away reluctantly from Spock and entered the dreadful building.
Kirk took a step forward then stopped. No. He did not think it was appropriate to approach the Vulcan.
Spock looked around, taking in the sights of the Andorians going about their daily business. His eyes scanned across the street.
Kirk felt his heart leap into his throat. He knew instantly when Spock spotted him.
Spock's eyes widened. He straightened himself and his mouth thinned. He took a step forward.
Kirk thought he was headed toward him. He panicked. He wasn't ready to talk to him. He didn't think he ever would be.
So, when an Andorian carrying a large cart passed by, Kirk took the advantage and slipped behind it and out of Spock's sight.