Star Trek Fic - Penance Chapter Thirteen
PENANCE Chapter Thirteen
by SlwMtionDaylite
Written for reel_startrek, Round Two
Based upon the film Atonement, written by Christopher Hampton (based upon the novel by Ian McEwan) and directed by Joe Wright
Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I own nothing. Paramount, et al. own all. I really wish they would let me borrow Spock for a while though. Atonement owned by Universal Pictures, Studio Canal, Relativity Media and Working Title Films.
Rating: Strong R/M
Genre: Romance, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Action/Adventure
Characters/Pairing: Kirk, Spock/Uhura
Word Count (Chapter Thirteen): ~2000
Beta: jlneveloff
Warnings: Language. Sexual situations, violence
Summary: Alternate Universe. This is the story of a young cadet that sees something he thinks he understands. But he doesn’t.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN - THE TRUTH FROM A HEARTBROKEN MAN
Forty Years Later
"Your memories. Something has tainted them. Altered them."
Kirk's eyes slowly opened and he gasped deeply. The shapes before him were fuzzy, slowly coalescing into clear and definitive shapes. The form before him remained still, his face coming into focus, his dark eyes revealing his concern.
"What?" Kirk asked quietly. He closed his eyes and opened them. He still felt out of sorts, still affected. It was disorienting.
The ancient Vulcan sat back in his chair, bringing his hands down to rest on his lap. He tilted his head toward Kirk; his pointed brows arched gracefully. "Your memories, Jim. I asked to see your memories. Those are not. They are fabrications."
Kirk's eyes dropped. His cheeks reddened. The tell-tale burn behind his eyes threatened. He had not contemplated this Vulcan to be able to discern that. He had underestimated him.
"Jim?"
Kirk looked at Spock. Ambassador Spock. A Vulcan from another universe. A Vulcan that arrived at the same time as the crazed Romulan, Nero. A Vulcan from the future whom Kirk had dismissed as senile at their first meeting on Delta Vega over forty years ago, when he had spun a tale of Kirk and Spock's - this timeline's Spock - mutual need for one another. Kirk had not been able to believe how he and the younger Spock were destined for great friendship. It might have been true for Ambassador Spock, but it was unfeasible in this universe.
But through the years, a friendship that might have been unfeasible for Kirk and the younger Spock proved possible for Kirk and the elder Spock. Kirk had grown to respect the Vulcan. And maybe, just maybe, Kirk was seeking some sort of forgiveness in befriending the elder Vulcan.
Kirk reached up and ran a hand through his subtly graying hair. He sighed, looking out the window, at the Cliffs of Bole. "Yes."
"Yes?"
"My memories. They're fake." He felt shame once more. He had never wanted this. He had never wanted him to think differently of him.
"Why? Why have you fabricated such events in your own mind?" Confusion marred the aged and etched face of Spock.
Kirk gave a harsh laugh and a tear escaped its confines and ran down his cheek. He swiped at it angrily, getting to his feet. Pacing, he looked at the Ambassador. He had never told this Spock what happened with the younger Vulcan, with Uhura. He had been afraid of judgment, of anger. He has not been able to tell him, because he had been too scared. And tonight, the ancient Vulcan had asked if they could meld, fearing he was nearing the end of his time and wanting to feel what Kirk felt, to know what Kirk knew. Kirk was unable to say no to him. He had not thought of the consequences.
"You know, I had made up that story in my mind so long ago, and told it so many times that I ended up believing it." Kirk laughed bitterly.
Spock stood slowly and approached him, his steps steady despite his great age. "Jim. What is the truth?"
Kirk shook his head. He couldn't. His eyes closed and he fought the onslaught of tears. He couldn't cry. Not in front of him. Not ever.
He jumped slightly when he felt Spock’s warm hand upon his shoulder.
"Jim?"
Kirk opened his eyes, gazing at him. “I...I don’t know if I can do this right now.” He headed for the door, opening it and exiting into the bitter cold of Bolarus IX. Why did every planet seem so cold?
Standing on the porch, Kirk wrapped his arms around his torso. He took a deep breath and exhaled, watching his breath exit his mouth and form into a wispy cloud of condensation before dissipating.
He stood there for several moments. A burning sensation aggravated the back of his throat and tears stung his eyes. He hadn’t allowed himself to think about the truth for so many years. And now...it was time.
It was time to stop running.
Kirk glanced back at the closed door. He knew the Vulcan wouldn’t follow him outside. Spock would grant him his privacy, allow him to collect his thoughts. He wouldn’t force Kirk to reveal anything he wasn’t ready to reveal.
He had been surprised when the ancient Ambassador asked to meld with him, to share memories. Kirk had been confused. And he had shared that confusion. Spock had been willing to explain why.
Ambassador Spock was dying. This is what he had told Kirk. His ancient body was slowing down; his time was coming to an end.
Intellectually, Kirk knew this. Spock was nearly two hundred years old. But Kirk was not prepared for the pain the revelation had revealed. Soon, he would be all alone. All his other friends - Bones, Sulu, Chekov - they had all given up and moved on.
Was he ready to be alone?
He took a breath and sighed. It wouldn’t do to postpone this any longer. He turned around and returned to the building, to Ambassador Spock.
The Vulcan was where he had left him, standing still, eyes closed in repose.
Kirk stood quietly before him, waiting.
Spock opened his eyes. “Are you well, my friend?”
Kirk nodded. “You wanted the truth?”
Spock nodded. “Of course. But only if you are able, are prepared to give it to me. I do not wish to place any undue distress on you.”
Kirk waved his hand dismissively. “It’s okay. I’m ready.” He took a breath and sat on the empty chair before Spock. "The truth? The truth is I was too much of a coward to go see Uhura that day. I never confessed to them. I never went to the headquarters and told them the true story. I never -" He broke off with a harsh gasp. His battle against his tears was waning. A couple more escaped.
"The truth is that event could never have happened."
*****
Shranya watched eagerly as the shuttles touched down on the sand eight hours after she had led Spock to the bed in the dwelling to go to sleep. She allowed herself a small smile. She was so tired; they were all tired. And it was finally time to go home.
He would want to know.
She turned to Nettles, who had sat on the sand beside her, massaging his feet. "I'm going to go tell Spock, okay?"
He nodded wordlessly. He got to his feet and gathered his meager belongings.
She stood and moved toward the small home in which Spock had taken up shelter.
She knocked lightly on the doorframe. "Spock?"
He didn't answer.
She sighed slightly and entered.
He was still on the bed, his eyes closed.
"Spock?" She approached him. "It's time to leave. The shuttles are here."
He didn't respond.
She quickened her approach. Kneeling down before him, she reached a hand out but hesitated. Immediately, tears gathered in her eyes.
He lay on the bed, eyes closed, face relaxed. The holophoto of the small Andorian shelter in the mountains was clasped tightly in his hand resting on his chest.
He wasn't breathing.
She gasped loudly, placing her hand on his, feeling the coldness seep into her flesh. Tears fell from her face unchecked.
Her eyes fell on a PADD that had fallen to the floor. She reached down and picked it up. It was his, containing each and every letter his Nyota had written.
Gently, Shranya placed it in his jacket pocket. A gentle pat on his chest, a brush against his forehead, and she whispered. "Goodbye, my friend."
*****
"Spock never made it back from his last mission. He died of his wounds on the last day."
The Ambassador nodded slowly, accepting. He walked back to his chair and gently sat down. "And Uhura?"
Kirk sighed. Tears fell from his eyes. "I was never able to put things right with her."
*****
Her cries were harsh. Soul-wrenching. Heartbreaking. She leaned against the cold hard wall of a closet, her knees to her chest. She sobbed into her hands, unable to stop the tears.
The PADD lay abandoned on the floor across from her, its screen cracked.
She couldn't read it, couldn't look at it. She knew what it said, the words forever engrained in her mind.
S'chn T'gai Spock, formerly of Vulcan.
One name among the many, the hundreds, the thousands, who had perished in the war against Nero and Romulus.
One name among many.
But it tore at her soul, at her heart, more so than any of the others. Than the names of former friends, former colleagues.
A casualty of war.
She swiped at her face futilely, trying to rid herself of the tears. But they fell too quickly. She sucked in a huge breath of air before sobbing into her hands once more.
He was gone. He was not coming back.
He promised her.
She sobbed, clutching the PADD bearing his final letter tightly to her chest.
Their story would not resume. They would not bond.
Their story was over before it ever truly began.
Her breathing hitched painfully, but she was unable to stop her tears. Burying her face in her arms, she continued to sob.
A loud explosion followed by loud desperate screams eventually pulled her out of her pain.
Uhura raised her head slowly, looking up at the transom. But she could not see anything. She stood, her tears still streaming down her face, and walked to the door.
When she opened it, it revealed a stream of panicked doctors, nurses. Everyone was running outside.
She followed.
It was louder outside, the noises echoing loudly in her ears.
She brought her PADD closer to her chest. She didn't want to lose it in the wayward crowd.
A cacophony of screams threatened to drown her.
Nyota glanced around listlessly, as if she wasn't quite aware of where she was. And perhaps she truly wasn't, so overcome with grief as she was.
A nearby scream alerted her.
She turned her head to look at the Andorian male who had cried out. He pointed to some place in the distance before turning and running.
Her eyes trailed toward the direction he was pointing.
She stared at the fiery pillar of light in the distance. It roared, sending up massive amounts of dirt, water.
She closed her eyes, her tears finally slowing.
*****
"Because she was killed when Nero destroyed Andoria one week after Spock's death." Kirk squeezed his eyes shut.
Spock's eyes closed and he touched his fingers together, posed in contemplation.
"So Uhura and Spock never had the time together they both longed for and deserved, which...ever since...I've...I've always felt like I prevented it. It was my fault. I...I rushed to action; I let my feelings for her, my jealousy of him cloud my judgment. And I robbed them of their happiness." He slowly walked to the window and looked out, scowling at the landscape of Bolarus IX. He couldn't find peace in the rolling hills in the distance, the majestic cliffs that this region was famous for. So much had been lost. So much had been sacrificed.
Eventually, and without much fanfare, the attacks from Nero ended. There had not been one since that fateful day when the Andorian moon was destroyed. No one knew what exactly happened to the grief-stricken Romulan. Many assumed the opposing Romulans eradicated him.
But without a body, without confirmation, the United Federation of Planets - the remaining planets - lived in constant fear that another attack was imminent.
It was draining and Kirk felt older than his sixty-some-odd years. He felt ancient.
And despite all this, all this devastation, Kirk still thought often of that night in a quiet office where two lovers were torn apart by the jealousy, the assumptions of an insecure cadet.
Ambassador Spock approached him slowly from behind.
Kirk took a shaky breath. "When I realized what I had done, what I had stolen from them...I wanted to make it right. But it was too late. They were gone. So, I imagined a different ending for them. I imagined myself having the courage to face up to my mistake, to fix it.
"I imagined giving them their happiness."
END
by SlwMtionDaylite
Written for reel_startrek, Round Two
Based upon the film Atonement, written by Christopher Hampton (based upon the novel by Ian McEwan) and directed by Joe Wright
Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I own nothing. Paramount, et al. own all. I really wish they would let me borrow Spock for a while though. Atonement owned by Universal Pictures, Studio Canal, Relativity Media and Working Title Films.
Rating: Strong R/M
Genre: Romance, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Action/Adventure
Characters/Pairing: Kirk, Spock/Uhura
Word Count (Chapter Thirteen): ~2000
Beta: jlneveloff
Warnings: Language. Sexual situations, violence
Summary: Alternate Universe. This is the story of a young cadet that sees something he thinks he understands. But he doesn’t.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN - THE TRUTH FROM A HEARTBROKEN MAN
Forty Years Later
"Your memories. Something has tainted them. Altered them."
Kirk's eyes slowly opened and he gasped deeply. The shapes before him were fuzzy, slowly coalescing into clear and definitive shapes. The form before him remained still, his face coming into focus, his dark eyes revealing his concern.
"What?" Kirk asked quietly. He closed his eyes and opened them. He still felt out of sorts, still affected. It was disorienting.
The ancient Vulcan sat back in his chair, bringing his hands down to rest on his lap. He tilted his head toward Kirk; his pointed brows arched gracefully. "Your memories, Jim. I asked to see your memories. Those are not. They are fabrications."
Kirk's eyes dropped. His cheeks reddened. The tell-tale burn behind his eyes threatened. He had not contemplated this Vulcan to be able to discern that. He had underestimated him.
"Jim?"
Kirk looked at Spock. Ambassador Spock. A Vulcan from another universe. A Vulcan that arrived at the same time as the crazed Romulan, Nero. A Vulcan from the future whom Kirk had dismissed as senile at their first meeting on Delta Vega over forty years ago, when he had spun a tale of Kirk and Spock's - this timeline's Spock - mutual need for one another. Kirk had not been able to believe how he and the younger Spock were destined for great friendship. It might have been true for Ambassador Spock, but it was unfeasible in this universe.
But through the years, a friendship that might have been unfeasible for Kirk and the younger Spock proved possible for Kirk and the elder Spock. Kirk had grown to respect the Vulcan. And maybe, just maybe, Kirk was seeking some sort of forgiveness in befriending the elder Vulcan.
Kirk reached up and ran a hand through his subtly graying hair. He sighed, looking out the window, at the Cliffs of Bole. "Yes."
"Yes?"
"My memories. They're fake." He felt shame once more. He had never wanted this. He had never wanted him to think differently of him.
"Why? Why have you fabricated such events in your own mind?" Confusion marred the aged and etched face of Spock.
Kirk gave a harsh laugh and a tear escaped its confines and ran down his cheek. He swiped at it angrily, getting to his feet. Pacing, he looked at the Ambassador. He had never told this Spock what happened with the younger Vulcan, with Uhura. He had been afraid of judgment, of anger. He has not been able to tell him, because he had been too scared. And tonight, the ancient Vulcan had asked if they could meld, fearing he was nearing the end of his time and wanting to feel what Kirk felt, to know what Kirk knew. Kirk was unable to say no to him. He had not thought of the consequences.
"You know, I had made up that story in my mind so long ago, and told it so many times that I ended up believing it." Kirk laughed bitterly.
Spock stood slowly and approached him, his steps steady despite his great age. "Jim. What is the truth?"
Kirk shook his head. He couldn't. His eyes closed and he fought the onslaught of tears. He couldn't cry. Not in front of him. Not ever.
He jumped slightly when he felt Spock’s warm hand upon his shoulder.
"Jim?"
Kirk opened his eyes, gazing at him. “I...I don’t know if I can do this right now.” He headed for the door, opening it and exiting into the bitter cold of Bolarus IX. Why did every planet seem so cold?
Standing on the porch, Kirk wrapped his arms around his torso. He took a deep breath and exhaled, watching his breath exit his mouth and form into a wispy cloud of condensation before dissipating.
He stood there for several moments. A burning sensation aggravated the back of his throat and tears stung his eyes. He hadn’t allowed himself to think about the truth for so many years. And now...it was time.
It was time to stop running.
Kirk glanced back at the closed door. He knew the Vulcan wouldn’t follow him outside. Spock would grant him his privacy, allow him to collect his thoughts. He wouldn’t force Kirk to reveal anything he wasn’t ready to reveal.
He had been surprised when the ancient Ambassador asked to meld with him, to share memories. Kirk had been confused. And he had shared that confusion. Spock had been willing to explain why.
Ambassador Spock was dying. This is what he had told Kirk. His ancient body was slowing down; his time was coming to an end.
Intellectually, Kirk knew this. Spock was nearly two hundred years old. But Kirk was not prepared for the pain the revelation had revealed. Soon, he would be all alone. All his other friends - Bones, Sulu, Chekov - they had all given up and moved on.
Was he ready to be alone?
He took a breath and sighed. It wouldn’t do to postpone this any longer. He turned around and returned to the building, to Ambassador Spock.
The Vulcan was where he had left him, standing still, eyes closed in repose.
Kirk stood quietly before him, waiting.
Spock opened his eyes. “Are you well, my friend?”
Kirk nodded. “You wanted the truth?”
Spock nodded. “Of course. But only if you are able, are prepared to give it to me. I do not wish to place any undue distress on you.”
Kirk waved his hand dismissively. “It’s okay. I’m ready.” He took a breath and sat on the empty chair before Spock. "The truth? The truth is I was too much of a coward to go see Uhura that day. I never confessed to them. I never went to the headquarters and told them the true story. I never -" He broke off with a harsh gasp. His battle against his tears was waning. A couple more escaped.
"The truth is that event could never have happened."
*****
Shranya watched eagerly as the shuttles touched down on the sand eight hours after she had led Spock to the bed in the dwelling to go to sleep. She allowed herself a small smile. She was so tired; they were all tired. And it was finally time to go home.
He would want to know.
She turned to Nettles, who had sat on the sand beside her, massaging his feet. "I'm going to go tell Spock, okay?"
He nodded wordlessly. He got to his feet and gathered his meager belongings.
She stood and moved toward the small home in which Spock had taken up shelter.
She knocked lightly on the doorframe. "Spock?"
He didn't answer.
She sighed slightly and entered.
He was still on the bed, his eyes closed.
"Spock?" She approached him. "It's time to leave. The shuttles are here."
He didn't respond.
She quickened her approach. Kneeling down before him, she reached a hand out but hesitated. Immediately, tears gathered in her eyes.
He lay on the bed, eyes closed, face relaxed. The holophoto of the small Andorian shelter in the mountains was clasped tightly in his hand resting on his chest.
He wasn't breathing.
She gasped loudly, placing her hand on his, feeling the coldness seep into her flesh. Tears fell from her face unchecked.
Her eyes fell on a PADD that had fallen to the floor. She reached down and picked it up. It was his, containing each and every letter his Nyota had written.
Gently, Shranya placed it in his jacket pocket. A gentle pat on his chest, a brush against his forehead, and she whispered. "Goodbye, my friend."
*****
"Spock never made it back from his last mission. He died of his wounds on the last day."
The Ambassador nodded slowly, accepting. He walked back to his chair and gently sat down. "And Uhura?"
Kirk sighed. Tears fell from his eyes. "I was never able to put things right with her."
*****
Her cries were harsh. Soul-wrenching. Heartbreaking. She leaned against the cold hard wall of a closet, her knees to her chest. She sobbed into her hands, unable to stop the tears.
The PADD lay abandoned on the floor across from her, its screen cracked.
She couldn't read it, couldn't look at it. She knew what it said, the words forever engrained in her mind.
S'chn T'gai Spock, formerly of Vulcan.
One name among the many, the hundreds, the thousands, who had perished in the war against Nero and Romulus.
One name among many.
But it tore at her soul, at her heart, more so than any of the others. Than the names of former friends, former colleagues.
A casualty of war.
She swiped at her face futilely, trying to rid herself of the tears. But they fell too quickly. She sucked in a huge breath of air before sobbing into her hands once more.
He was gone. He was not coming back.
He promised her.
She sobbed, clutching the PADD bearing his final letter tightly to her chest.
Their story would not resume. They would not bond.
Their story was over before it ever truly began.
Her breathing hitched painfully, but she was unable to stop her tears. Burying her face in her arms, she continued to sob.
A loud explosion followed by loud desperate screams eventually pulled her out of her pain.
Uhura raised her head slowly, looking up at the transom. But she could not see anything. She stood, her tears still streaming down her face, and walked to the door.
When she opened it, it revealed a stream of panicked doctors, nurses. Everyone was running outside.
She followed.
It was louder outside, the noises echoing loudly in her ears.
She brought her PADD closer to her chest. She didn't want to lose it in the wayward crowd.
A cacophony of screams threatened to drown her.
Nyota glanced around listlessly, as if she wasn't quite aware of where she was. And perhaps she truly wasn't, so overcome with grief as she was.
A nearby scream alerted her.
She turned her head to look at the Andorian male who had cried out. He pointed to some place in the distance before turning and running.
Her eyes trailed toward the direction he was pointing.
She stared at the fiery pillar of light in the distance. It roared, sending up massive amounts of dirt, water.
She closed her eyes, her tears finally slowing.
*****
"Because she was killed when Nero destroyed Andoria one week after Spock's death." Kirk squeezed his eyes shut.
Spock's eyes closed and he touched his fingers together, posed in contemplation.
"So Uhura and Spock never had the time together they both longed for and deserved, which...ever since...I've...I've always felt like I prevented it. It was my fault. I...I rushed to action; I let my feelings for her, my jealousy of him cloud my judgment. And I robbed them of their happiness." He slowly walked to the window and looked out, scowling at the landscape of Bolarus IX. He couldn't find peace in the rolling hills in the distance, the majestic cliffs that this region was famous for. So much had been lost. So much had been sacrificed.
Eventually, and without much fanfare, the attacks from Nero ended. There had not been one since that fateful day when the Andorian moon was destroyed. No one knew what exactly happened to the grief-stricken Romulan. Many assumed the opposing Romulans eradicated him.
But without a body, without confirmation, the United Federation of Planets - the remaining planets - lived in constant fear that another attack was imminent.
It was draining and Kirk felt older than his sixty-some-odd years. He felt ancient.
And despite all this, all this devastation, Kirk still thought often of that night in a quiet office where two lovers were torn apart by the jealousy, the assumptions of an insecure cadet.
Ambassador Spock approached him slowly from behind.
Kirk took a shaky breath. "When I realized what I had done, what I had stolen from them...I wanted to make it right. But it was too late. They were gone. So, I imagined a different ending for them. I imagined myself having the courage to face up to my mistake, to fix it.
"I imagined giving them their happiness."
END