Time is the fire in which we burn
This is probably going to be a depressing sort of post, so please feel free to stop reading right here.
So…ten years ago today my mom died. It’s been a decade without her. This feels so very big to me; I’m not sure how to process it. I keep thinking about everything that’s happened in the last ten years that she missed. Think about it. Think about the last ten years of your life. Every time you called your mom to tell her…something…anything…nothing. Gone. The years between 21 and 31 are kind of a big deal; the years where you are supposed to grow-up. I’ve had to do all that without my mother, and honestly I don’t know how well I’ve done. I’ve made choices I regret, decisions that were bad, and done things I’m not entirely proud of. I’ve gotten married, divorced, become a mom, become a single mom, lost an aunt, a brother, and both grandmothers. All without her. If she really can see me now, I don’t know how proud she would be of me.
When I say she was my strength, I mean that…completely. She gave me every ounce of courage I ever had, and in the past ten years, I feel as though I’ve spent most of it afraid. I haven’t yet learned how to reconcile the strength she gave me and the strength within me.
The thing that gets me is how angry I still am after all this time. I’m angry at myself for not being there when she was sick, at the doctors for not doing more…but mostly I’m mad at her for leaving. It sounds stupid I know but I am. I’m told it’s normal, all the books say so, but that brings me little comfort. One more thing I can’t seem to reconcile.
But mostly…mostly I just miss her. God, just so much. Like everyday. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of her, wish she was here. To tell her about something funny Nyla said or complain about work or help with school or just fucking talk to. I know it’s not realistic to think that everything would be perfect if she were still here. I know that. But it doesn’t seem to stop me from thinking how much better it all would be if she were just here.
I’m not really sure what my point here is. No inspiring message or thought provoking quote. Just me, hoping the next ten years are better…that in another decade I will look back with fondness, not regret.
Here’s to hoping.