On the subject of "friends"
Can I just have a minute here, please?
I've always been taught that friends are something that is very similar to an actual romantic relationship. There's a sense of commitment, and there's a sense of trust, loyalty, and love. No, I'm not saying that everyone needs to go be explicit with their friends, but you care deeply about your friends, and if they need you, you do everything you can to help them, right?
Well, when I went to school out of state, I met this girl through my room mate. She seemed alright, but definitely not someone that I thought I could be friends with without this shared person we both knew (I don't say friend because that room mate was awful). Anyway, I never really saw this girl...ever. We only really talked online through AIM, which is fine, but then one day she said something that kinda freaked me out. She called me her best friend.
Now, don't get me wrong, okay. I am perfectly fine with people wanting to rate their friends as their "best" or "BFF" or whatnot. However, except for one special person, I've never done that. Mainly because I hated having people find out the other person is considered a "best" friend and not them. Why should only one person get that love and commitment when your other friends are just as fabulous? Because they earn it, but that's later on.
Anyway, this girl kinda threw me off guard, but I kinda let it be, and said things like "aww, thanks" and "you're so sweet," but I never said it back. Mainly because of my rule, but also because I more considered her an acquaintance than a friend at that point. She hadn't ever invited me out to do anything, she wasn't available to do things when I invited her out, and just overall, I felt kinda "eh" about her. Like she wasn't really all there, or willing to be good friends.
Well, I didn't hear from her for months, which is usual, but one day, I got a letter in the mail from her. It was a letter telling me about how wonderful of a person I am, and that even with the hard times I was going through (major homesickness, depression, etc), things can only get better from here, and to keep my chin up because nothing can take away your smile. It was the sweetest letter I'd ever recieved from anyone, and it made me cry. That point was when I considered her a friend.
Another number of months passed, and we didn't really talk much. I found a few friends from work, but mostly kept to myself. Found a group of amazing people online through a Harry and the Potters forum and quickly made new friends through that. I was traveling to surrounding cities to see my Harry Potter friends, I was participating in local things (NaNoWriMo to name one), and I was generally being happier. It was going okay, and I could deal with that.
Then I get a message online from her. She's been living in an apartment nearby (I've been in the dorms for 2 years), and she wants me to come visit. I have nothing else to do, so I pop over and check it out. It was a nice apartment, and seemed like a good place to live overall. Turns out, the real reason she invited me over was to check the place out because she wanted to renew for the complex the next year, but didn't want to room with the same people. She wanted us to be room mates. I told her I'd think about it, figuring that I would just continue to live in the dorms, and she would let it drop.
It didn't drop. She continued to bug me, and I finally went to the leasing office to get the information and talk it over with my parents. I was excited for a chance to get out of the dorms (I really hate freshmen), but I wasn't really sure how rooming with this girl would work out. We barely knew each other, for goodness sake! But I'd tried living with friends before, and it failed miserably, and I would get my own room, which was a major plus. I decided to do it.
So, the next summer, I move into the apartment with her and two other girls we didn't know. And this girl's boyfriend was living directly next door, which meant he was over all the time, but again, I knew I had my own room, so I was okay.
We all got along really well in the beginning. We had me, the girl, her boyfriend, and the other two girls and another boyfriend, and we all hung out together pretty well...as long as this girl's boyfriend was there. Which he was. All the time. Every. Single. Day.
But I let it go. He was a nice guy, and I quickly became friends with him as well, and it worked out. Then one day, the other two and I thought it would be fun to take a day trip for just the girls. We introduced the idea to her and she said "I'm not leaving out one of my best friends to hang out with you guys." Seriously, that's a direct quote.
Pretty much after that incident, things started to go down hill. She and I hardly talked anymore, and if we did, it was to fight over how to properly use a thermostat, and where a reasonable temperature for the apartment was. She wanted 60. I wanted 70+. I lost. I bought a space heater and began to live solely in my room.
Anyway, it got to the point where we weren't talking at all. Not because we were mad at each other necessarily, but because we just didn't have anything to say to one another. She thought I was trying to steal her boyfriend because I was becoming better friends with him than I was with her, and her mere presence just started to piss me off. It was easier to not say anything.
While I was pet sitting for some friends of mine, I get a text message. She had something she really needed to tell me and wanted me to meet her somewhere. I met with her, and she told me that her mother gained financial custody of her from her parents' divorce, and that her mom wouldn't be able to afford to keep her in the apartment, so she would have to move out. I was sympathetic and tried to come up with some possible alternatives to her moving out, such as her getting a job through the year (which she downright refused to do). She continued to refuse any alternatives, so I finally told her that if that's what is going to happen, then fine, but she needed to tell the other room mates, and that she needed to find a replacement to take over her room (we rented out the rooms in the apartment, not the whole thing itself). I didn't hear from her for 3 days.
After not hearing from her, I texted her (she was at work) and ask if she's talked to the other room mates yet. No. I ask if she's found anyone to take the place. No. I ask when she's moving out. Soon.
I finally run into her and ask if she's told the other room mates. One. I ask if she's found anyone. No. I ask when she's moving out. Friday. It was Tuesday.
So, worried about getting stuck with some psycho druggie whore, I called the front desk of the complex the next day and asked them what the deal was with her moving out and someone moving in, because I had a few people I was willing to talk into filling the space. They told me that the place had already been filled. I asked when. Tuesday morning. Problem 1: she lied to me.
Of course, I called her out on it. She said that she had no idea (lie) and that she would've told me if she had (lie). I asked who this person was, and she said it's this really awesome girl (later found out it was a lie) she's known for years (lie) that is going to be really great for the apartment (turned out to be a lie). She also said that she'd be over all the time (lie) and that it would be like she never left (I prayed for that to be a lie).
She moved out. I came home from work one day, and she was gone. I still remember thinking good ridance when I found an empty apartment. I loved it. I didn't have to deal with her bullshit anymore, and it was the most freeing thing I'd felt all year. The first thing I did? Turn the thermostat up. It felt good.
The new girl moves in, and she's ridiculous. This isn't a rant about her, however, so I'm going to let it go for now. The new girl told us about how excited she was to come out and meet the other girl for the first time because she had never met her before. She was going on about all these fun adventures the old girl had said they'd do once she got out there, and about how wonderful everything was. I remember thinking "she'll learn."
And she did. The old girl never called or texted her, and they never hung out. They spent a year a few blocks from each other, and they never met up once. Called it.
Anyway, this girl (the main one being discussed here) moved in with her boyfriend until she could afford to buy a house, because apparently it's cheaper these days to buy a house than it is to rent an apartment for $400 a month. She stayed with him for (count them) 4 months. I felt bad for the other people he was living with. She was in there rent free, and just being ridiculous. I texted her numerous times to try and hang out. She never even answered. I tried calling, facebook, AIM, and every other form of communication I had. She didn't answer one. I stopped trying.
However, one day, something really bad happened. I screwed up royally, and I was afraid of getting fired for the mistake. I was sobbing, unable to move from the fear of losing the best thing in my life since moving to college. I called her. She was the first person I could think of to contact, and I needed a friend to tell me everything would be okay.
Problem 2: she refuses to talk to me on the phone.
I was sent straight to voice mail, and I left a message, trying to sound calm, telling her that I really screwed up, and that I really needed a friend right now, and if she could please call me back.
I got a text. It said "can't use the phone. What's up?"
I replied "I'm really upset. Can you give me a call when you can, or come over?"
"I'm at (boyfriend's). Can't we just text?"
I threw the phone under the bed, I was so furious with her. This wasn't me just being pathetic. I was properly in a state where people would be scared I'd inflict bodily injury (and I was nearly there, too). I actually needed someone to be there for me and she would rather text me than come talk to me. She didn't even have to come over. All she had to do was answer the phone.
Later, I found out she tried multiple times to get me to talk to her through text. She said "I'm sorry, but we're watching a movie and I can't leave. What's up?" "Please understand that I need to save those minutes to talk to my mom." and "please talk to me!"
I sent her a reply: "I asked for my friend when I needed her the most. You let me down. I don't need a friend like you."
"You're really going to end our friendship over a silly phonecall?"
"If you actually picked up the phone or listened to the message I'd left you, you'd know that it wasn't silly."
And that was that. I never heard from her again, and I never tried to contact her again. There's a difference between not being able to answer the phone (work, school, driving, etc), but to tell your "best friend" that you can't talk to them in their time of need because you'd rather watch a movie with your boyfriend is just selfish. I learned that about her, and it makes me trust people less and less when I get stuck with people like this.
For the sake of the people you consider friends, remember that they are important. Remember that they are people who need help, too, and if you can't be bothered to help them in their time of need, but expect them to come crawling the second you whisper "help," then you need a reality check. I'm done with those sorts of people, and I do my damned best to make sure I'm the best friend I can be to everyone I consider a friend.
*gets off soapbox*
I've always been taught that friends are something that is very similar to an actual romantic relationship. There's a sense of commitment, and there's a sense of trust, loyalty, and love. No, I'm not saying that everyone needs to go be explicit with their friends, but you care deeply about your friends, and if they need you, you do everything you can to help them, right?
Well, when I went to school out of state, I met this girl through my room mate. She seemed alright, but definitely not someone that I thought I could be friends with without this shared person we both knew (I don't say friend because that room mate was awful). Anyway, I never really saw this girl...ever. We only really talked online through AIM, which is fine, but then one day she said something that kinda freaked me out. She called me her best friend.
Now, don't get me wrong, okay. I am perfectly fine with people wanting to rate their friends as their "best" or "BFF" or whatnot. However, except for one special person, I've never done that. Mainly because I hated having people find out the other person is considered a "best" friend and not them. Why should only one person get that love and commitment when your other friends are just as fabulous? Because they earn it, but that's later on.
Anyway, this girl kinda threw me off guard, but I kinda let it be, and said things like "aww, thanks" and "you're so sweet," but I never said it back. Mainly because of my rule, but also because I more considered her an acquaintance than a friend at that point. She hadn't ever invited me out to do anything, she wasn't available to do things when I invited her out, and just overall, I felt kinda "eh" about her. Like she wasn't really all there, or willing to be good friends.
Well, I didn't hear from her for months, which is usual, but one day, I got a letter in the mail from her. It was a letter telling me about how wonderful of a person I am, and that even with the hard times I was going through (major homesickness, depression, etc), things can only get better from here, and to keep my chin up because nothing can take away your smile. It was the sweetest letter I'd ever recieved from anyone, and it made me cry. That point was when I considered her a friend.
Another number of months passed, and we didn't really talk much. I found a few friends from work, but mostly kept to myself. Found a group of amazing people online through a Harry and the Potters forum and quickly made new friends through that. I was traveling to surrounding cities to see my Harry Potter friends, I was participating in local things (NaNoWriMo to name one), and I was generally being happier. It was going okay, and I could deal with that.
Then I get a message online from her. She's been living in an apartment nearby (I've been in the dorms for 2 years), and she wants me to come visit. I have nothing else to do, so I pop over and check it out. It was a nice apartment, and seemed like a good place to live overall. Turns out, the real reason she invited me over was to check the place out because she wanted to renew for the complex the next year, but didn't want to room with the same people. She wanted us to be room mates. I told her I'd think about it, figuring that I would just continue to live in the dorms, and she would let it drop.
It didn't drop. She continued to bug me, and I finally went to the leasing office to get the information and talk it over with my parents. I was excited for a chance to get out of the dorms (I really hate freshmen), but I wasn't really sure how rooming with this girl would work out. We barely knew each other, for goodness sake! But I'd tried living with friends before, and it failed miserably, and I would get my own room, which was a major plus. I decided to do it.
So, the next summer, I move into the apartment with her and two other girls we didn't know. And this girl's boyfriend was living directly next door, which meant he was over all the time, but again, I knew I had my own room, so I was okay.
We all got along really well in the beginning. We had me, the girl, her boyfriend, and the other two girls and another boyfriend, and we all hung out together pretty well...as long as this girl's boyfriend was there. Which he was. All the time. Every. Single. Day.
But I let it go. He was a nice guy, and I quickly became friends with him as well, and it worked out. Then one day, the other two and I thought it would be fun to take a day trip for just the girls. We introduced the idea to her and she said "I'm not leaving out one of my best friends to hang out with you guys." Seriously, that's a direct quote.
Pretty much after that incident, things started to go down hill. She and I hardly talked anymore, and if we did, it was to fight over how to properly use a thermostat, and where a reasonable temperature for the apartment was. She wanted 60. I wanted 70+. I lost. I bought a space heater and began to live solely in my room.
Anyway, it got to the point where we weren't talking at all. Not because we were mad at each other necessarily, but because we just didn't have anything to say to one another. She thought I was trying to steal her boyfriend because I was becoming better friends with him than I was with her, and her mere presence just started to piss me off. It was easier to not say anything.
While I was pet sitting for some friends of mine, I get a text message. She had something she really needed to tell me and wanted me to meet her somewhere. I met with her, and she told me that her mother gained financial custody of her from her parents' divorce, and that her mom wouldn't be able to afford to keep her in the apartment, so she would have to move out. I was sympathetic and tried to come up with some possible alternatives to her moving out, such as her getting a job through the year (which she downright refused to do). She continued to refuse any alternatives, so I finally told her that if that's what is going to happen, then fine, but she needed to tell the other room mates, and that she needed to find a replacement to take over her room (we rented out the rooms in the apartment, not the whole thing itself). I didn't hear from her for 3 days.
After not hearing from her, I texted her (she was at work) and ask if she's talked to the other room mates yet. No. I ask if she's found anyone to take the place. No. I ask when she's moving out. Soon.
I finally run into her and ask if she's told the other room mates. One. I ask if she's found anyone. No. I ask when she's moving out. Friday. It was Tuesday.
So, worried about getting stuck with some psycho druggie whore, I called the front desk of the complex the next day and asked them what the deal was with her moving out and someone moving in, because I had a few people I was willing to talk into filling the space. They told me that the place had already been filled. I asked when. Tuesday morning. Problem 1: she lied to me.
Of course, I called her out on it. She said that she had no idea (lie) and that she would've told me if she had (lie). I asked who this person was, and she said it's this really awesome girl (later found out it was a lie) she's known for years (lie) that is going to be really great for the apartment (turned out to be a lie). She also said that she'd be over all the time (lie) and that it would be like she never left (I prayed for that to be a lie).
She moved out. I came home from work one day, and she was gone. I still remember thinking good ridance when I found an empty apartment. I loved it. I didn't have to deal with her bullshit anymore, and it was the most freeing thing I'd felt all year. The first thing I did? Turn the thermostat up. It felt good.
The new girl moves in, and she's ridiculous. This isn't a rant about her, however, so I'm going to let it go for now. The new girl told us about how excited she was to come out and meet the other girl for the first time because she had never met her before. She was going on about all these fun adventures the old girl had said they'd do once she got out there, and about how wonderful everything was. I remember thinking "she'll learn."
And she did. The old girl never called or texted her, and they never hung out. They spent a year a few blocks from each other, and they never met up once. Called it.
Anyway, this girl (the main one being discussed here) moved in with her boyfriend until she could afford to buy a house, because apparently it's cheaper these days to buy a house than it is to rent an apartment for $400 a month. She stayed with him for (count them) 4 months. I felt bad for the other people he was living with. She was in there rent free, and just being ridiculous. I texted her numerous times to try and hang out. She never even answered. I tried calling, facebook, AIM, and every other form of communication I had. She didn't answer one. I stopped trying.
However, one day, something really bad happened. I screwed up royally, and I was afraid of getting fired for the mistake. I was sobbing, unable to move from the fear of losing the best thing in my life since moving to college. I called her. She was the first person I could think of to contact, and I needed a friend to tell me everything would be okay.
Problem 2: she refuses to talk to me on the phone.
I was sent straight to voice mail, and I left a message, trying to sound calm, telling her that I really screwed up, and that I really needed a friend right now, and if she could please call me back.
I got a text. It said "can't use the phone. What's up?"
I replied "I'm really upset. Can you give me a call when you can, or come over?"
"I'm at (boyfriend's). Can't we just text?"
I threw the phone under the bed, I was so furious with her. This wasn't me just being pathetic. I was properly in a state where people would be scared I'd inflict bodily injury (and I was nearly there, too). I actually needed someone to be there for me and she would rather text me than come talk to me. She didn't even have to come over. All she had to do was answer the phone.
Later, I found out she tried multiple times to get me to talk to her through text. She said "I'm sorry, but we're watching a movie and I can't leave. What's up?" "Please understand that I need to save those minutes to talk to my mom." and "please talk to me!"
I sent her a reply: "I asked for my friend when I needed her the most. You let me down. I don't need a friend like you."
"You're really going to end our friendship over a silly phonecall?"
"If you actually picked up the phone or listened to the message I'd left you, you'd know that it wasn't silly."
And that was that. I never heard from her again, and I never tried to contact her again. There's a difference between not being able to answer the phone (work, school, driving, etc), but to tell your "best friend" that you can't talk to them in their time of need because you'd rather watch a movie with your boyfriend is just selfish. I learned that about her, and it makes me trust people less and less when I get stuck with people like this.
For the sake of the people you consider friends, remember that they are important. Remember that they are people who need help, too, and if you can't be bothered to help them in their time of need, but expect them to come crawling the second you whisper "help," then you need a reality check. I'm done with those sorts of people, and I do my damned best to make sure I'm the best friend I can be to everyone I consider a friend.
*gets off soapbox*