Sitting, Waiting, Wishing
Stephen left today.
*sigh*
I guess I should feel more terrible that I fell in love with someone before my marriage was officially over, but I don't. I'm confused because I don't understand how or why all this happened when it did. I had a miserable marriage, and he is still married to someone who treats him like a house guest and a care-taker -- with whom he hasn't lived in 2 years -- but the fact is that we fell in love while both of us were still married. What confuses me the most is what on earth God expected me to do. Was I supposed to sense temptation and run back to a relationship so wrought with ignored and ill-handled issues that it was crushing me? Was I supposed to simply realize I had made a mistake and that I should be alone for the time being? Was I supposed to fall in love and move forward in that relationship as my marriage was falling apart? I did the third one, by the way. I guess I'll never know what would have happened if I chose something else.
I guess I should document what has happened lately.
Drew and I decided to separate, and that evening, I went out with friends. While I was out, he had my mom fly up and drive him to Portland. He stayed out on the West side all weekend, with no way for me to know where he was. I was freaked out, so I took Stephen up on his offer to stay at his mom's place with him. Drew and I exchanged confusing and frustrated text messages all weekend, and he demanded I meet him at the house last Monday afternoon. I went with a friend and was confronted by Drew, his dad, and divorce papers. They informed me that my mom was coming to town to "straighten [me] out," and I lost it.
Being cornered the way I was and feeling as though I was never going to get out of the situation un-fucked, I pretty much broke down and freaked out and ended up checking myself into the ER because I was becoming obsessed with walking into traffic or shooting myself in the head. I just couldn't take any more insanity. I ended up at a 24-hour psych facility to give me some respite from everything.
*side note:
While I was sitting in the psych section of the ER, Stephen and Brittany (the girl I took to my house) showed up. I had talked to them when Drew stopped for gas on the way to the hospital. Apparently, Stephen was confronted by Drew's dad, who started calling Stephen "young man," (even after Stephen asked him not to) and trying to run the show while Drew just sat on the other side of the waiting room and watched. I have to give Stephen props. He's a 28-year-old war veteran, and not someone who needs to be called "young man" by some bouge-y guy who snorts when he talks... and all he gave Drew's dad was a "fuck you" and went outside. I would have raged a little.
After I was released, I went back to Stephen's and have been staying there until this afternoon. I've been working out what I am going to do with myself. I thought about moving to Portland, but the conditions on which my family will help me are thus: I have to check myself into a 7-day inpatient facility, I have to pay for my u-haul, a storage unit, and an apartment, and I can't stay with any of them until I get a place. Basically, all that just to get someone to drive a U-haul for me. No thanks. So, I am staying in Cheney and finishing out my degree here.
Now, Stephen has left for Virginia via Billings, MT. (he has a friend's wedding to attend before he flies out.) He's waiting to find out about his financial aid at GMU (where he's transferring), waiting to hear about an air marshal job, and in the meantime figuring out what the deal is with his marriage.
I hope he gets the job, because it will be a great career-job for him.
I don't know what I think about GMU because if he doesn't get the finaid he needs, he comes back here... to a school he doesn't like all that much, but also to people who love him.
I hope he gets out of his marriage, if it's not repairable. It doesn't sound like it is going to get any better, though. I know he won't just bend and bend and bend, though, because he doesn't want to be stuck being miserable and endlessly taking care of her and atoning for the way he was when he got back from Iraq.
Stephen's mom and brother both think that he will probably be back in time for school here. If he doesn't get the air marshal job, I think they will probably be right.
Plus... "barring a catastrophe or change in emotion," he's coming back to me. That's the conclusion we came to. Whether that is in September or in a year, that is the plan. I'm glad, too, because despite the circumstances, we have a pretty healthy relationship already that we can keep healthy by always remembering that we are friends first and foremost and want to treat each other as such. Not to mention, he's The Hotness and is exactly the kind of person I never thought I would meet.
Now I need to find an apartment that I can afford. I am hoping to get into the building next door to my house because it's only $350/month, and the pet deposit is only $200. By the way, did I mention I am getting a cat? Stephen's mom is moving and can't take all her cats (she has 4), so I am taking care of Lucy. Yay! I don't know what is going to happen with my doggy. Drew said he wanted to take her, but dumped her at my mom's house for who knows how long. I hate not having Lily around. It's killing me. I don't want to think that they'll take her to the shelter or something. If Stephen comes back here, we may have to rent a house or something where we can have Lily, Lucy, and Dr. Girlfriend (Stephen's cat).
So that is my life right now. I'm basically single, alone, and nearly homeless... but I'm okay with that.
*sigh*
I guess I should feel more terrible that I fell in love with someone before my marriage was officially over, but I don't. I'm confused because I don't understand how or why all this happened when it did. I had a miserable marriage, and he is still married to someone who treats him like a house guest and a care-taker -- with whom he hasn't lived in 2 years -- but the fact is that we fell in love while both of us were still married. What confuses me the most is what on earth God expected me to do. Was I supposed to sense temptation and run back to a relationship so wrought with ignored and ill-handled issues that it was crushing me? Was I supposed to simply realize I had made a mistake and that I should be alone for the time being? Was I supposed to fall in love and move forward in that relationship as my marriage was falling apart? I did the third one, by the way. I guess I'll never know what would have happened if I chose something else.
I guess I should document what has happened lately.
Drew and I decided to separate, and that evening, I went out with friends. While I was out, he had my mom fly up and drive him to Portland. He stayed out on the West side all weekend, with no way for me to know where he was. I was freaked out, so I took Stephen up on his offer to stay at his mom's place with him. Drew and I exchanged confusing and frustrated text messages all weekend, and he demanded I meet him at the house last Monday afternoon. I went with a friend and was confronted by Drew, his dad, and divorce papers. They informed me that my mom was coming to town to "straighten [me] out," and I lost it.
Being cornered the way I was and feeling as though I was never going to get out of the situation un-fucked, I pretty much broke down and freaked out and ended up checking myself into the ER because I was becoming obsessed with walking into traffic or shooting myself in the head. I just couldn't take any more insanity. I ended up at a 24-hour psych facility to give me some respite from everything.
*side note:
While I was sitting in the psych section of the ER, Stephen and Brittany (the girl I took to my house) showed up. I had talked to them when Drew stopped for gas on the way to the hospital. Apparently, Stephen was confronted by Drew's dad, who started calling Stephen "young man," (even after Stephen asked him not to) and trying to run the show while Drew just sat on the other side of the waiting room and watched. I have to give Stephen props. He's a 28-year-old war veteran, and not someone who needs to be called "young man" by some bouge-y guy who snorts when he talks... and all he gave Drew's dad was a "fuck you" and went outside. I would have raged a little.
After I was released, I went back to Stephen's and have been staying there until this afternoon. I've been working out what I am going to do with myself. I thought about moving to Portland, but the conditions on which my family will help me are thus: I have to check myself into a 7-day inpatient facility, I have to pay for my u-haul, a storage unit, and an apartment, and I can't stay with any of them until I get a place. Basically, all that just to get someone to drive a U-haul for me. No thanks. So, I am staying in Cheney and finishing out my degree here.
Now, Stephen has left for Virginia via Billings, MT. (he has a friend's wedding to attend before he flies out.) He's waiting to find out about his financial aid at GMU (where he's transferring), waiting to hear about an air marshal job, and in the meantime figuring out what the deal is with his marriage.
I hope he gets the job, because it will be a great career-job for him.
I don't know what I think about GMU because if he doesn't get the finaid he needs, he comes back here... to a school he doesn't like all that much, but also to people who love him.
I hope he gets out of his marriage, if it's not repairable. It doesn't sound like it is going to get any better, though. I know he won't just bend and bend and bend, though, because he doesn't want to be stuck being miserable and endlessly taking care of her and atoning for the way he was when he got back from Iraq.
Stephen's mom and brother both think that he will probably be back in time for school here. If he doesn't get the air marshal job, I think they will probably be right.
Plus... "barring a catastrophe or change in emotion," he's coming back to me. That's the conclusion we came to. Whether that is in September or in a year, that is the plan. I'm glad, too, because despite the circumstances, we have a pretty healthy relationship already that we can keep healthy by always remembering that we are friends first and foremost and want to treat each other as such. Not to mention, he's The Hotness and is exactly the kind of person I never thought I would meet.
Now I need to find an apartment that I can afford. I am hoping to get into the building next door to my house because it's only $350/month, and the pet deposit is only $200. By the way, did I mention I am getting a cat? Stephen's mom is moving and can't take all her cats (she has 4), so I am taking care of Lucy. Yay! I don't know what is going to happen with my doggy. Drew said he wanted to take her, but dumped her at my mom's house for who knows how long. I hate not having Lily around. It's killing me. I don't want to think that they'll take her to the shelter or something. If Stephen comes back here, we may have to rent a house or something where we can have Lily, Lucy, and Dr. Girlfriend (Stephen's cat).
So that is my life right now. I'm basically single, alone, and nearly homeless... but I'm okay with that.