In His Court - Part 4 of 4
Masterpost~*~*~*~*~ Part 1~*~*~*~* Part 2~*~*~*~ Part 3
The next thing Sam’s aware of is being in the Impala again, but this time he’s riding. He blinks open crusted-over eyes and looks up to see Dean driving with a wild look in his eye and his concentrating frown in place. He’s got his head in Dean’s lap and can tell he’s wrapped up in a blanket.
“Where’re we goin’?” Sam mumbles.
“Hospital Sam, I can’t get the bleeding to stop.”
“Are you okay?” Sam asks faintly, concerned that Dean was more injured than he’d thought last night.
Dean looks down at Sam and holds the side of his face gently, “Not me Sam, you.”
“Oh.” Sam does an internal body check and realizes that he’s hurting all over, but most of the pain is concentrated in his ass, and yeah it does feel pretty wet down there now that he’s noticed. Not a surprise after the week he spent at Crowley’s, but he didn’t think it was that bad. And oh god the car, it must be so awful, what a thing for Dean to have to come back to.
“’m sorry Dean. Sorry I messed up the car. Sorry I took so long.” Sam mumbles, most of the way back to passed-out.
“Shut up and go back to sleep you idiot.” Dean says fondly, running his fingers through Sam’s hair gently.
Sam vaguely recalls getting stitched up at the clinic, being absurdly grateful for powerful painkillers and waking up in the car alone guessing that Dean was shopping for supplies. The next thing he knows he’s coming to in bed in the cabin, Dean sound asleep next to him. He groans and flinches at the pain when he moves, but he’s rewarded with a smile from Dean who’s now awake and staring at him like he’s the best thing he’s seen in years.
“Sammy.” Dean says quietly, a tinge of wonder in his voice, as if he hadn’t expected to see Sam awake ever again.
“Yeah Dean, ‘m right here.”
“Dude, I know, it’s just, I didn’t think you were gonna.”
“’m okay Dean, stop worrying.”
An unreadable look passes over Dean’s face, Sam thinks he sees more than just worry but he’s not sure, “I’ll fix us something to eat, be right back.”
Sam nods off again, and awakens to pancakes with honey and tea and some actual fresh fruit on the table next to the bed.
He rolls over and snags the bowl of fruit, since sitting up doesn’t seem to be a good idea right now, “Fresh fruit huh?”
“I thought it might still be an issue with the Sucrocorp stuff, and that’s Cas’ honey right, so it’s safe?”
“Yeah,‘s good, thanks.”
Sam’s mostly out of it for a few weeks, vegging out in front of mindless TV, or passed out from using up the rest of the painkillers from the clinic. He worries that they can’t seem to easily reconnect; both of them are broken physically with so many months apart separating them once again. Sam reads the rape survivor’s pamphlets the clinic had sent home with him and laughs off the idea of counseling, how would that even come close to helping him in his unique situation? Dean tries to talk to him about it several times, because the doctors at the clinic had gone over with him how important it was to get Sam talking. But Sam’s not ready yet, and pushes him away.
Dean’s in and out of a bottle, getting used to being back in the real world, and trying to not obsess too much about exactly how Sam had gotten those particular injuries and how close he’d come to having Sam die on him. But Dean finds himself stuck on what Crowley had said, about Sam’s cock-sucking skills being something to be proud of, congratulating Dean on training him so well but also insinuating that maybe he was so good because Lucifer had trained him. But he doesn’t know how to bring it up and talk about it. Doesn’t want to set Sam off, make him mad, and make him get big and scary again or even worse, leave him
All he wants is for Sam to be okay, to be whole again, to just be Sam again. But every time he thinks about it, he feels so guilty, for having used Sam that way after he got his soul back, never once considering that any of the different ways they like to have sex together could be tainted by Lucifer having done them with or to Sam during all those years in the Cage. And yeah, Sam’s spent more years with Lucifer than him, and that means a whole lot more years possibly sucking Lucifer’s cock than Dean’s. Just thinking about it makes Dean confusingly angry and hurt all at the same time.
He remembers what Hell was like, how the demons took on Sam’s form to tease, taunt, torture and fuck him. He remembers how difficult it was when he came back to keep those memories locked away with the rest of Hell. Has Sam had that same problem and never said anything about it? Probably, knowing Sam, Dean realizes with a sinking feeling in his stomach. It’s been more than a year now since Sam’s soul was restored, a year of them fooling around, back to normal or so Dean had assumed. And fuck if that’s breaking his heart now to think that all this time he could have been traumatizing his brother even further.
Dean knows he can be a toppy bastard sometimes, ordering Sam around when they’re like that in the bedroom, but Sam always liked it, and he never said a thing. It’s been almost a month now since he got back, and all this tip-toeing around the sex issue is really bothering him. Not talking about what happened, both at Crowley’s and with Lucifer isn’t surprising, he wouldn’t want to either of course. If Sam isn’t going to go to counseling, then as his partner, Dean knows he has to do something about this. It’s part of taking care of Sam, something he’s been doing his whole life and knows how to do better than anything.
Dean resolves to talk to Sam first thing in the morning. But tonight, he’s going to do something he almost never does, he’s going to make love to Sam. God it’s hard to even say it in his mind, but that’s how he’s going to think of what he’s doing tonight. He’ll go slow and steady and worship every inch of Sam and listen to the sounds he makes and ask him what he wants and give it to him the best way he knows how. He won’t ask or take or demand, he’ll let Sam guide everything. Then in the morning, he reminds himself, when Sam wakes up all happy from being loved up, he’ll try to talk about it, try to check in and make sure Sam’s really still okay with what they do between the sheets.
Sam comes out of the shower in a towel just then, cloud of steam billowing out into the room from behind him, water droplets enticingly dripping down the curves and planes of his upper body. Dean’s mouth goes dry, just like it always does, wanting to taste, to lick, to have, to take. But he manages to rein himself in, and just looks his fill. Sam notices his darkened eyes, the look of lust that he knows so well on his brother’s face, but he doesn’t do what Sam’s expecting
Dean just sits there looking and Sam’s confused. Doesn’t Dean want him anymore after he saw what the demons did to him? He’s got to have guessed what happened, he saw the blood between Sam’s legs, he took him to the clinic to get him stitched up for god’s sake, but Dean never said anything. Just brought him hot meals, tea, warm washcloths and changed the bandages on the rest of his body as needed as Sam spent these last weeks in bed. He feels bad now for not saying anything, just watching mindless TV. Maybe he should have made himself talk about it all those times Dean had asked
Sam figures Dean probably is wondering what really happened before he got there. And he’s definitely got to be worried about how he’d basically turned into a monster to save them both from Crowley. Maybe Dean thinks he’s turned into some sort of Bruce Banner/Hulk character to be dealt with, managed delicately so he doesn’t get set off. And the thought of that pisses Sam off more than he’d thought possible, he can barely swallow his anger down. He fucking saved Dean, from Purgatory, he did everything those fucking demons wanted, and now Dean won’t even touch him or talk to him. Sam huffs his angry annoyed noise, and sees Dean’s surprised reaction. But still Dean’s silent
Sam knows it’s stupid to have these conversations in his head without actually talking to Dean. But he’s exhausted, so he just gives up for the night, deciding to try to ignore Dean and go to sleep early. He mechanically puts on a t-shirt and boxers, crawls between the sheets of the bed he’s been stuck in for weeks now, and pointedly turns his back to Dean
Sam tries not to keep the anger in, and allows himself a little bit of a cry, not so much that anyone would notice, not heart-rending sobs or anything, just a slow trickle of hot tears crawling down the side of his face, dampening his pillow. He’s so sad that his brother doesn’t want him anymore, is so confused because he just did what he had to do to save him, doesn’t understand why Dean looked at him with so much lust and just sat there like he was afraid to touch Sam. He hears a concerned-sounding Dean say “Sammy? You really going to sleep this early?&rdquo
Without rolling over to face his brother, Sam says in a monotone voice he hopes won’t give away his sadness, anger and pain, “Yeah, ‘m tired, g’night Dean.” He squeezes his eyes tight and hopes his shoulders aren’t shaking as a sob starts to work its way up out of what feels like an empty pit in his stomach.
Dean’s not sure what just happened there, he’d thought that his looking at Sam that way was a pretty clear invitation, but maybe Sam’s just not ready, not feeling good enough yet to fool around. But he’s still thinking about his plan of a few minutes ago, of making love to Sam and talking to him in the morning. He decides to try it the other way around because there’s something telling him that Sam’s not feeling right about everything, and he’d bet his Impala that his brother is lying there silently crying right now. Dean does a quick nightly bathroom routine and is stripped down to boxers and t-shirt and crawling into Sam’s bed in just a few minutes then, trying to spoon up behind and hold him getting ready to maybe actually talk.
“What the hell dude, I’m sleeping?!” Sam jerks up wiping his face on his shoulder, but not looking at Dean.
Dean gets back out of Sam’s bed almost as fast as he got in, feeling like he just got bitch-slapped, “Just wanted to sleep with you tonight Sam, sorry man.”
“No, come back, ’m sorry Dean. Please?” Sam begs without shame after seeing the conflicted look on Dean’s face.
“Don’t want to bug you or anything if it’s too soon.” Dean backs up and sits down on the chair opposite the bed.
“You’re not bugging me, and it’s not too soon, what do you even mean?” Sam asks insistently.
“I don’t want to hurt you Sam, you were pretty, um, beat up you know, after we got back from Crowley’s and all. The doctor told us to take it slow remember”
“I’m feeling fine now Dean, it’s been weeks, all I’ve been doing is lying around.” Sam knows he’s lying, well, not telling the whole truth, but he doesn’t know if Dean can stand hearing all of it yet.
“Well you deserved some time off man, after everything.” Dean waves his hand in the air, indicating all of Sam, as if the whole issue is the entirety of Sam’s body and not the screaming hurt held in his heart.
“You too Dean, you haven’t been looking so good, and I still don’t even know what happened to you in Purgatory.” Sam answers quietly, examining how tired his brother looks, darker circles under his exhausted eyes, sleeping on the couch all this time and worrying about him hasn’t been good to Dean.
“You don’t want to hear about that believe me.” Dean tries to deflect, kind of half-heartedly. He doesn’t really want to tell Sam all of what went on in Purgatory, but it might be a way to get Sam talking about what happened while he was gone.
“Believe me, I do. Of course I do, Dean.” Sam insists, stubborn little brother that he is, no matter what the situation between them.
“Seriously? Of course you are. How ‘bout this, I’ll trade you Purgatory stories if you tell me what happened while I was gone?” Dean offers.
“Don’t think you really want to know Dean.” Sam lowers his head and speaks in a low whisper to his clenched together hands.
Dean hears the defeat in his brother’s voice and gets up off the chair, coming over to stand beside Sam, running his hand gently over the top of Sam’s bowed head, repeating his little brother’s phrase because he means it more than anything, “Believe me, I do. Of course I do, Sammy.”
Sam’s caught and he knows it. Well better to get it over with instead of prolonging the agony for Dean. He fatalistically wonders how long it will be before Dean’s giving him another goodbye speech over a picnic table this time. “Whatever. You go first Dean, but not until you’re back in here.” Sam moves over to the other side of the bed and folds back the covers, smiling up at him as strongly as he can.
Dean smiles and climbs back in the bed, arranging himself so they’re facing each other, tangling their legs together and holding Sam lightly around the waist. Sam pulls the covers up over them and wraps his arm around Dean’s shoulder. They’re looking at each other closely, Dean noticing the tears that still linger on Sam’s face, he reaches up and gently wipes them away with one finger, then licks them off slowly, Sam focusing on his mouth, hypnotized watching his lips and tongue move.
Dean stops teasing Sam and lowers his hand back down to Sam’s waist, “You want to ask, or do you want me to tell?”
Sam shakes himself out of his trance and looks back up at his brother’s eyes, “Both, just start at the beginning, we’ll take turns.”
“Fine, well, at first it was just like a dark, pretty spooky forest with glowing red eyes and growls and Cas was there. He told me where I was and that I wouldn’t be getting out, and then he was just poof gone, I never saw him again. You weren’t there and all I could think about was getting back to you, or surviving until I could.” Dean squeezes Sam’s waist Sam indicating that it’s his turn now.
“Cas came to me the first morning after you’d disappeared and told me where you were, and then he offered to make me a sandwich and bring me honey. It was impossible, but he knew enough to get me started, I had to make that bone weapon we killed Dick Roman with again and find the right words to say. He didn’t know the words though, that’s what took so damned long because I had to get Kevin back from Crowley. When I tried to summon Meg, Crowley came instead and told me where the alpha vamp was. I called Jody and Garth for help Dean, and it was the darndest thing, they came right away, just because I said I needed them to get you out.” Sam hopes Dean gets it that they have for-real, actual friends now, he raises his eyebrows at Dean so that he’ll continue.
Dean raises his eyebrows in silent answer, “So there I am all alone and I just start running, because it’s dark and there’s things growling in the bushes like they’re ready to pounce and eat me. It seemed like I was running for hours, time is different there, kinda like in Hell I guess. Eventually the landscape changed from forest to like farmlands and I found a house that had a light on. Lenore was there Sam, can you believe it? And she was actually glad to see me. “
“The alpha vamp wasn’t so glad to see me and Jody and Garth at first, but I got him talked around to giving up some more of his blood once I gave him a database on areas where it should still be safe for them to feed based on the Sucrocorp distribution that Charlie and Frank made. It was hard to shut all that down right away, a lot of it was automated or something, Charlie explained it to me once and it made sense then, but I couldn’t repeat it to you. Anyways, that was enough for him, but he warned me that I didn’t want to see him again.” Sam finishes, and hopes that Dean won’t say anything about him helping a monster. He nods at Dean for him to take a turn.
Dean sees the hesitation, and decides to keep his instant judgments to himself for once, “Speaking of vampires, Lenore had her group all back together, and most of them were cool with me being there. A few were not. That’s how I got so beat up, this one dude wailed on me when she was gone one day and left me out in the forest. Thought I was gonna die, couldn’t even move, heard this big animal coming, growling, was a giant werewolf, but then it turned into Madison. Sam, she’s there and she’s amazing. She took me to her den and fixed me up, I met her pups and her mate, she’s happy if you can believe that. I told her about you and she was glad to hear you were still going strong.” Dean searches Sam’s face to see if hearing about Madison affects him at all, he’d always seemed to harbor a real sadness about her even after all this time.
Sam’s eyes begin to fill with tears, thinking about Madison, but he stops himself, now’s not the time, “Cas was able to figure out where Crowley was keeping Meg and Kevin, he had them in this old mansion in Washington state, near Spokane. Jody and Garth backed me up when we went in. Luckily I still had the knife, and Garth and I taught Jody all the exorcism stuff. We took out a few demons getting in there, and luckily, Cas was right, Crowley wasn’t around that day. Kevin was surprisingly okay for being a high school prophet kidnapped by the King of Hell, he’s with Cas and Meg somewhere safe. I still needed Crowley’s blood and a human couldn’t wield the weapon and withstand being pulled into purgatory. It had to be Death, that’s why he was there when you came back.”
Dean’s kind of stunned by all of that, so much has happened while he was gone, so many people had a hand in helping him return, somehow Sam managed all of that without falling apart, he’s so proud of Sam’s strength he could practically burst. “I couldn’t stay with Madison for too long, it upset the pack balance, something about too many alphas, I didn’t really get it, but soon I was out of there and on my own. There are whole cities in Purgatory that I found; I had to avoid most of them, they were filled with shifters and so on. Figured they wouldn’t be too happy to talk to me. I did run into that Jack guy, remember the Rugaru? He understood what we did, and he was happy to hear his wife had gotten away, she was pregnant dude, so put that one on the to-do list in a few years. Jack knew the layout pretty well, helped me hide and stuff.” Dean points at Sam so he knows it’s his turn again, so that he won’t try to get out of telling this last part.
Sam takes a deep breath, knowing that this is going to be the hardest part to say and for Dean to hear “We did the binding spell on Death and he agreed to help when we had the weapon. He said something about how you being in Purgatory was upsetting The Balance. Crowley wouldn’t give me his blood for free this time, that’s how I uh, ended up how you first saw me when you came back. I had to sign a contract to give him a week. A week of my life in service in his court, where he could do anything to me. I wanted to bring you back when I was out of his place, so you wouldn’t see me like that. But the bastard had to pull you back right there in the middle of it all, in the middle of his court. I’m sorry it all got so out of hand Dean. I swear it won’t happen again.” Sam swears so fervently that Dean’s instantly on alert.
“What won’t happen again?” Dean knows he needs to ask, but is guessing it isn’t something he really wants to know about.
Sam answers in a low, cowed voice, “Demon blood, they made me drink a lot of it, that’s how I did what you saw, killing all those demons like that.”
Dean’s not sure how to respond, he’s furious at Crowley, and so upset and sorry that Sam had to go through that again, he hates how Sam sounds right now, especially knowing he did it all to rescue him, “How do you feel now? Doesn’t seem like you’re detoxing or anything this time.”
Perking up a little when he realizes that Dean’s not mad at him about the demon blood, Sam answers, “That’s what’s weird, I’m not having any trouble, not at all. I don’t know if I used it all up that night or what? It’s just not there, and I uh, don’t have any powers left over or anything.”
“Sammy, I’m sorry you had to do that again.” Dean says, gently running his hand through Sam’s hair.
Sam searches his face to see if there’s more that Dean’s not saying, “I’d do it again in a second Dean, you know that. I had to. Had to get you back.”
Holding Sam’s head still in his hand so that he can make him meet his eyes Dean answers, echoing the phrase they’d both used earlier. “I know, believe me I know. Just don’t beat yourself up about it okay. I’m not worried you’re gonna go darkside or suddenly Hulk out on me. I get it, that you had to do it. And just, thanks.”
Sam presses his head into Dean’s hand, relishing the feel of his touch, worried that he’ll never touch him like this again, “I’m sorry about the rest of it though.”
“You mean what Crowley and the demons did to you?” Dean asks tentatively, knowing that he’s got to handle this part of the conversation the most delicately. He racks his brains for what the rape counselors had said at the clinic, get him talking, listen, let him feel his feelings, reassure him he’s still wanted.
“Uh, yeah.”
“Why are you sorry about that Sam, c’mon, how was it in your control? It’s not like you asked for it. What you went through? For me? I can’t even imagine, and honestly I don’t want to. That’s why I didn’t want to push it, getting into bed with you.”
“I’m still sorry, can’t help it. I’m mostly sorry you had to see me like that.” Sam feels like he’s going to die all over again, feeling the crush and weight of his shame.
Dean sits up a little and slaps him in the chest, hoping to knock him out of this spiral of shame he’s talking himself into, “Sam, you’re amazing you know that. You sell yourself to save my ass and then you’re fucking apologizing. Just fucking cut it out man. I’ll never be able to thank you enough for doing that for me, and I don’t hold it against you or anything. I just want you to be okay Sammy. That’s all.”
“I am. Mostly. Just want you here with me right now, okay?” Sam reaches up and pulls Dean back down next to him. He feels like he’s begging once again, asking Dean for more than he’s ever willing to give, more than he should ever expect to be given.
“Dude, you got me, ‘m not going anywhere, ever again.” Dean says strongly, meaning it with everything he’s got, pulling Sam in as close as he can.
“Even if I can’t, you know, do anything?” Sam asks tentatively into the side of Dean’s head, burying his face in his short hair, breathing him in again, hoping this isn’t the last time.
Dean pushes Sam away a little bit, so he can see Sam’s face and looks at him, full of seriousness, “Sam, I don’t care if we ever fuck again, as long as you’re okay. I mean it man. I’d miss it of course, but that’s not why I’m here with you, c’mon you know that.”
Sam’s heart unclenches a little just at hearing this, and his body floods with a deliciously cool feeling of relief, “Yeah, I know. Okay Dean, thanks.”
“Thanks for what?”
“For just, I don’t know, thanks for being you I guess.”
“Of course, who else would I be little brother? Now we done? Can we get some sleep or do I hafta braid your hair now or something?”
“Yeah, yeah, g’night Dean.” Sam leans in close and kisses him softly on the lips.
Dean smiles and snuggles deeper in to the pillow and Sam’s side, just looking at his brother in the dim light. He’s so tired and so glad they finally talked and so relieved to be back in the bed with Sam. Slowly he lets himself fade off and mumbles as he falls asleep “Love you Sammy.”
Sam smiles and kisses Dean’s hair, “Love you too Dean.”
The first thing Dean feels is the heat and suction and gliding movement of a wet mouth on his cock, which is amazing, he’s missed it so much, it’s been so long. For awhile he just keeps his eyes closed and enjoys the sensations flooding through his body. But finally he pushes up to his elbows to meet Sam’s eyes, which are serious and stubborn and full of lust. Dean groans as Sam increases his pace and flops back onto the pillow, thrusting his hips up into Sam’s mouth, barely grazing the back of his throat.
“Sorry, sorry Sam, didn’t mean to…”
Sam pulls off, waggles his eyebrows, “Go for it Dean, c’mon.” He starts the rhythm back up again, taking Dean in deep, hollowing out his cheeks, he’s sucking so hard.
Panting hard now, Dean finally loses control and lets loose with his hips, thrusting up into Sam now, into his throat deep, and then too soon, he’s done, he’s yelling out everything that he’s been wanting to say, that he doesn’t care who taught him this, he loves it goddamnit and coming hard. Hands are still tight in Sam’s hair holding him in place as he pumps up his last few times. He feels the rhythm of Sam bringing himself off quickly, the mattress shaking in a familiar pattern as Sam shakes his head loose and flops over, face landing next to Dean’s hip and biting him hard near his hipbone in the usual place.
“Ow! What the hell’s that for?” Dean yelps.
“For apologizing in the middle of a blow job you jerk.”
Dean laughs, “Bitch, I was trying to take it easy on you, first time in a while and all that.”
“Hasn’t been that long for me.” Sam says without thinking about it.
Well that stops Dean in his tracks immediately, and he frowns, “Oh, yeah, right. Hadn’t thought about that.”
“God, I’m sorry I said that, I didn’t mean to bring it up. Ever again. We talked about it last night; that was all I wanted to say on the subject.”
“Sam, I’m sorry that I never asked, when you got your soul back.” Dean says sincerely, holding Sam’s eyes with his.
“Never asked what?” Sam asks, not really wanting to continue the conversation, but knowing he has to since his brother is actually apologizing for something.
“Just, what Crowley said about Lucifer training you, I’ve been thinking about it and I just, I want you to tell me if what we do in bed is too much like what Lucifer did to you or what happened to you at Crowley’s. I remember Hell, and sometimes it was hard for me at first, to separate the memories from the current moment. Just tell me okay?”
“Dean, I would have told you if it was a problem, I swear. And the stuff that happened at Crowley’s, I’m just not up to talking about it, I’m trying to just forget it okay? It was just the price I had to pay to get you back, and it was worth it, you are worth it.” Sam feels like he’s begging here, asking Dean to drop the subject, knows that Dean’s just trying to help in his own clumsy way. But Sam’s desperate to stop thinking about it; the echoes of all those days in Crowley’s court are still all around him, even here in their bed.
“Sam, I don’t know what to say here. What do you want me to say?”
“Just tell me that you think it was worth it too, Dean. That’s all I want right now.”
Dean searches his brother’s face and sees that Sam is desperate for his approval here, that he needs to see that Dean accepts the fact that he’s worth enough to Sam to have gone that far, given over control of his body, just to save him. “It was Sam, it was definitely worth it. I’m not gonna say I’ll get over being guilty that you had to do it, because I won’t, maybe ever. And I know I’ll never be able to thank you enough. But yeah, hell yeah, it was worth it!”
Sam smiles brilliantly at him then, tears of relief sparkling on the edges of his eyes but not falling, so happy it burns off of him in a joyous wave. Dean returns the smile, brushing his hand gently over Sam’s eyelashes to catch the unshed tears. “We’re gonna be okay Dean.”
“Yeah, I know.” Dean says, and he’s relieved to find that it’s the truth for once not something he’s just saying to make Sam feel better. He really believes it deep down. They are going to be okay, maybe not right this second, but eventually, for the simple reason that they’re together again, after surviving the long separation and terrible ordeal he knows they can get through this next part of putting things right between them. Together
~Fin~
Masterpost~*~*~*~*~ Part 1~*~*~*~* Part 2~*~*~*~ Part 3