The Human Body: Keep Your Head Above Water, Part 2/3 (Irresistible)
Title: The Human Body: Keep Your Head Above Water, Part 2/3
Author: smallwaldo
Rating: R
Pairing: Sheppard/Beckett
Words: 5157
Warnings:: This story focuses on the recovery from non-consentual sex.
A/N: This is the second part of the Irresistible chapter. You know the part where John's in the cell and Lucius makes that remark about all six wives at once? That was when I realized that he was totally a sexual predator. maisfeeka, ladykoori and kyrdwyn all offered invaluable beta advice on this one. In fact this story is literally 10,000 words longer than it was originally going to be because of their feedback. (Seriously, I thought I was done at 3500 words. They went, Uh... no.)
Summary: “Did he talk you into doing something you didn’t want to do? ... Like getting you into bed with him?”
John walked back to his quarters to shove a few things into a bag, including his book and his tablet - even though it was vacation, he really needed to catch up on the reports he hadn’t done in, oh, at least two weeks.
As he worked he debated the merits of actually taking the time to convince Carson that he needed this trip against packing for him and just calling him to the jumper bay and taking off. He didn’t want to waste an entire afternoon arguing over whether or not Carson was uptight and in need of a break. But he also knew that with what had just happened to him, anyone trying to force Carson to do something he didn’t want to do was going to go on his permanent shit list.
In the end he split the difference. He packed some clothes and the only book he found sitting on Carson’s bedside table. He grabbed the portable DVD player from the closet and some DVDs they’d been waiting for a good time to watch and made sure the battery was charged. Because they were taking the jumper he didn’t have to worry about getting everything they needed into a field pack, so John grabbed Carson’s pillow and the thermal blanket on the bed. Carson’s one gripe about sleeping in the field was that he couldn’t get comfortable in the impersonal bedding handed out in supply. Sleeping bags that any of a hundred people had used and pillows that blew up were just never comfortable. And if nothing else was accomplished on this trip, John wanted Carson to sleep. Without midnight calls from the infirmary or alarm clocks that were automatically programmed to go off every morning rain or shine.
He went to the mess and rounded up enough campfire-cookable food for a few days and then went to supply and got a few tanks of potable water and other camping supplies.
Then he squared his shoulders and went off to get Carson.
Carson seemed confused to see him when John came in. “Is something wrong?”
Deciding to take Elizabeth’s tactic to such an abrupt greeting, John simply said, “Good afternoon to you too.”
Carson scowled at himself. “I’m sorry. Did you need something?”
John mentally thought the door closed. He noticed how it made Carson flinch, but neither of them said anything about it, and Carson didn’t think it back open. “I need you,” he said simply waiting to see what the best tack to take would be.
“I know I’ve been horribly busy. I’m sorry, but I’ve been neglecting my research lately and Elizabeth said -“
John cut him off at that point, knowing damn well Carson was about to lie to him. “Elizabeth said we could take a long weekend on the mainland. Go down to the beach, do some swimming. Sleep late, watch birds, whatever.”
“John, I can’t. I have all this -“
“Is any of this going to blow up if you leave it for a few days or hand it over to someone on your staff?” John cut in.
“No, of course not, but I need to… We’ve yet to find out what is causing the Wraith retrovirus to have such a short effective time period. We know that Michael and the others were in contact with a Hive ship -“
“And you hiding in here has nothing to do with that! I’m the one person - as far as I know - who knows why you’re hiding. The real reason. So let’s go and get some distance so you can come back and quit freaking out your staff. You need some rest. You need some distance. And we have permission to go off and make sure you get both. Neither of which, will really be all that bad for me either.”
Carson stiffened and turned his back on John. “You told her,” he said flatly.
John could see the tension radiating off Carson. He moved slowly making sure he scuffed his feet so Carson would hear him coming. He rested his hands on Carson’s shoulders. “I didn’t tell her, Carson. I wouldn’t do that. You don’t have anything to be embarrassed or ashamed of, but I know you don’t want anyone to know what happened to you. I swear, I respected that. ”
Carson didn’t seem to be very relieved by his words. John gently spun him around. “She thinks that you’re blaming yourself for bringing Lucius here. And I think that’s part of it, but I know there’s more and I think you need a few days to just decompress.”
Carson sagged onto a nearby bench stool. “I’m sorry, I don’t know why I said that. I trust you, I do, I… I don’t know why I said that.”
John leaned on the bench next to where Carson sat. “Because you’re terrified that someone’s going to find out that things got out of your control for a while. You’re waiting for someone to slip. You or me, it doesn’t matter.” John hadn’t really planned on having this out there or then, but it was out there now. “I think that if it did get out into the rumor mill, you might actually be relieved because then you could stop worrying about when it would happen.”
Carson hung his head and shielded his eyes with one hand. John dropped into a crouch in front of him. “Come to the mainland with me for a few days so we can talk about this without being interrupted, without being overheard. Let’s just go away and deal with this, okay?”
Wearily, Carson nodded. “I’m really terrorizing my staff?”
“I overheard someone in the mess the other day mentioning that he was just glad he worked for Rodney,” John said with a smile Carson couldn’t see. When Carson’s head whipped up and he looked like a kicked puppy, John kissed his nose. “I’m kidding. I’m kidding, really. But everyone’s worried. Let’s go work on getting you back to your normal chipper self.”
Carson nodded. “Alright. I need to go pack some things.”
John stood and held out a hand. “I’ve got your clothes, your pillow, your book and some DVDs. What else do you need?”
Carson shrugged and indicated his computer across the room. “I should take my laptop. I have some charts to catch up on.”
“Go pack it up. I’m going to radio Elizabeth and tell her we’re out of here.” John squeezed Carson’s arm before heading out into the hall, giving Carson a minute to collect himself before being seen in public.
~~~___~~~___~~~
John landed the jumper on the southern edge of the mainland. Farther than any of the Athosians would come hunting, but in an area the botanists and zoologists had studied well enough to clear for hiking, camping and military training. There was a beautiful white sand beach that bordered a dense forest. Carson had checked out the provisions while John flew. He was used to the minimalist style of camping that they usually engaged in on off-world missions, where they were lucky enough to have the foresight to have tents and sleeping bags and a change of skivvies for the mornings. More often than not they were caught up somewhere and realized they wouldn’t make it back to the gate before dawn, so they made a fire and slept on the ground as best they could.
Now he felt like he was on a photo shoot for Field and Stream. There was a little camp stove and a week’s provisions. A tent and sleeping bags and John had even thought to grab their regular pillows instead of those heinous inflatable things that always stuck to the side of his face despite the flocking. There were a couple of folding canvas chairs and tucked into the sack for one of them was a pair of beach towels.
Clearly John had thought this through. Carson had never been much of an outdoors person before coming to Atlantis, and given that most of the time he was out in the woods it was to patch someone back together and hurry back through the gate, he still wouldn’t call himself a woodsman, but he supposed that camping with all the comforts of home wouldn’t be the worst vacation he’d ever been on.
They hauled everything a few dozen meters into the woods where there was a semi-permanent camp ground set up. There was a fire scar dug and lined with stones, flat ground cleared to set up tents and even a very crude outhouse a hundred or so meters away. John had had the camp set up when he’d started doing survival training with the Marines and field training with the scientists a few years ago, so the ground was well packed around the fire scar and there was a locked wooden chest with tongs and a shovel and other tools for fire building. John got a serious kick out of sending a pack of Marines off in search of a target for three days with nothing more than the clothes on their backs and three matches while he laid around the base camp, occasionally taking the jumper up to monitor their progress. So he’d done what he could to make the base comfortable.
Carson had only been out there once before - when he’d be called to collect a marine biologist who’d been stung by an insect and started swelling up like a balloon - so he hadn’t had time to appreciate the camp.
John pitched the tent while Carson got the broom from the lock box and swept out the fire scar. For the time being he decided to push the reason for this impromptu vacation out of his mind and just enjoy being away for a while with no one hurt, no one in trouble and no immediate threat of Wraith breathing down their neck. When the fire pit was cleared, Carson set up the camp table and put the stove on it and the cooler under it.
John chucked their gear into the tent and then set up the chairs. It was just after noon and the late spring air was warm and clear. He was ready to either sit and talk or just sit and watch the clouds for a while. He hadn’t been lying to Elizabeth when he said that he hadn’t taken a vacation while at either of his last two posts. He could have taken a few weeks and gone back home after his first few months in Antarctica, but it had just seemed like too much bother considering he didn’t have any family to visit and all of his friends were on some Air Force base or another. He’d never really seen the point.
But now, alone on a deserted part of a sparsely populated island, with someone he wanted to spend as much time as possible with… maybe vacations weren’t so highly overrated after all. He wished they’d discovered that before they’d been forced to confront their current set of circumstances.
Carson took a canteen and filled it from one of the three-gallon water tankards. He downed about half of it before handing it to John and collapsing into the other chair.
John took a sip and set the canteen on the ground. “We couldn’t have asked for better weather,” he said stretching his feet out in front of him.
“Aye,” Carson answered quietly, studying the white puffy clouds that drifted overhead not threatening rain in the least.
“I stuck your book in your bag. We could go down and read on the beach,” John suggested.
“This is fine for now,” Carson said, not taking his eyes off the sky. “It’s nice just to sit still and not do anything for more than thirty seconds.”
John got up and moved his chair closer to Carson’s so he could hold Carson’s hand in his. “Sounds good to me.” He watched the clouds for a few seconds. “Wake me up if I start to snore.”
Carson laughed. He knew John wasn’t one to sit still for a long time very well. “Go get your book or something. I’m just going rest for a bit.”
John squeezed his hand and went off to get War and Peace.
For the next several hours, John read and Carson watched the sky. They sat shoulder to shoulder in their separate chairs, just leaning on each other. Being indoors most of the time, Carson realized, had made him miss the sky, the wide-open expanse. It wasn’t that he couldn’t get out to the balconies or anything while he was in the city, and he certainly had been getting his turn at going off world for missions lately, but somehow this was different. Being on solid ground instead of in a floating city made him feel grounded, centered, calm in a way he hadn’t been in a long time.
John closed his book and set it on the ground and stood up and stretched. “I’m going to gather up some wood and start a fire before it gets too dark.”
Carson shook himself from the deep thoughts he’d settled into and rose as well. John waved him back down, “Stay here. I’m not going that far. There’s usually branches and stuff downed from storms and whatever between the camp and the beach.”
Standing anyway, Carson shook his head. “No, no, I’m fine. I’ll go with you.”
John shrugged and let Carson follow him back into the woods. They collected a few armloads of wood - enough that they could keep the fire burning through dinner and into the evening. Once the fire was good and started John grabbed the hotdogs he’d convinced the mess to turn over and began sharpening a few sticks with his bowie knife. He skewered a hot dog and handed it to Carson. “Dinner on a stick.”
Carson laughed. Ever since Rodney’s MALP on a stick, anything on a stick was funny. John had tried to relay a comedy routine he’d seen on t.v. once that had the repeated punchline of “jalepeno on a stick”, but Carson had never really gotten the joke.
They made and ate dinner chatting companionably. Once they’d cleaned up, Carson sat in front of the fire growing quiet and thoughtful again.
John rinsed the last of the dishes in a bucket of hot water and sat down next to him, shoulder to shoulder again. “Penny for your thoughts?”
Carson smiled at him softly in the fading sunset. “I was thinking about the last time I remember the two of us sitting in front of a fire together.”
John thought back, trying to remember when the last time he and Carson had both been out in the field together long enough to stay over night and not within the village they’d been visiting.
“It was… a little more than a year ago now, I suppose. We were coming back from setting up a trade agreement with a village quite far away from their stargate. I guess this was before we’d gotten in contact with Earth again - we were looking for Naquadah to make more generators while we looked for ZPMs.”
John suddenly remembered the mission. “You were sick and weren’t going to tell anyone.”
Carson nodded, “Aye, that was the one.”
John stretched out on his back, the fire on his left, thinking about that mission so long ago. How so very many things had changed since then. “Man, I can’t believe how different things are now.”
Carson had pulled his knees up and wrapped his arms around them. He had his chin on his knees until John spoke and then turned to look at him, resting the side of his head on his knees instead.
“I mean, Ford was with us then. All smartass Lieutenant who was still trying to impress his C.O. We hadn’t met Ronon yet. We didn’t know about the Daedalus, and we had no contact with Earth.” He gave Carson a warm smile. “I was still pretending that my interest in you was simply as a friend and colleague.”
Carson wondered if the fire had suddenly flared up or if the heat he felt was his own blush. “Back then?”
John shrugged. “Yeah. I actually told Ford. It’s a long and stupid story, but I told him on the condition that he never ever mention it around you. Or anyone else for that matter. And he said something that night that made me think that maybe I needed to stop being such a chicken shit.” John shrugged against the dirt. “And then you got sick and something had to be done about that so…”
Carson shook his head against his legs. “I had no idea.”
John smiled again. “I worked hard to keep it that way for a while. I had no idea if you’d be interested in me and I had no desire to look like an idiot in front of you.”
Carson stretched out next to John, taking John’s hand in his. “I’m glad you took the chance that you might look like an idiot,” he said softly.
John rolled onto his side, sliding one arm over Carson’s waist. “Me too.” He kissed Carson softly before laying back down again.
Carson shifted up to lay his head on John’s chest as they sank back into a comfortable silence, watching the flames and just enjoying their time together.
When the wood on the fire burned down to embers, John suggested they get to bed and doused the coals. He poked it with a stick a few times to get the bits underneath, but was careful not to flood the firepit. They’d need it the next day.
When everything seemed good and out, they headed into the tent. John hadn’t bothered setting things up that afternoon. He’d just chucked in their sleeping bags and duffles and computer cases in a heap in the middle. He lit a lantern and hung it from the center hook of the tent. Carson began clearing their things off to the sides as John unrolled the sleeping bags. He had them out side by side when he thought to put them together. He came up behind where Carson was pulling out a pair of sweats and a t-shirt to sleep in. He wrapped his arms around his waist and kissed the side of his neck. He was very pleased when Carson didn’t jump. “Want me to zip the sleeping bags together or leave them like this?”
Carson glanced down to where the bags lay side by side. His face twitched a little as he considered his answer. “Just to sleep, right?” he finally asked.
“Whatever you want,” John promised.
Carson nodded then. “Let’s put them together then.”
John kissed the side of his head as he backed away. “Grab my clothes for me, would you?” he asked as Carson zipped his bag up and he bent down to arrange their bedding.
They changed quickly, occasionally bumping each other in the cramped quarters. With their uniforms folded and tucked to the side they climbed into the doubled sleeping bag. Carson raised his eyebrow as he saw the thermal blanket from his quarters inside of it. “Why didn’t you just bring the whole bed?” he asked cheekily.
“Shut up,” John said shifting around to get comfortable. “I’m trying to be nice.”
“I know. And I do appreciate it.” Carson shifted over onto his side, pressing his back against John’s chest. John dropped an arm around his waist and they shifted and wiggled until they were comfortable. After they’d settled Carson let out a huge sigh. “This is nice.”
John kissed the back of Carson’s head. “Yes it is.”
Carson shuffled over to face John. “You didn’t have to go to all this trouble for me.”
John brushed his finger down Cason’s cheek. “Look at it this way: the last time I brought you out here to the mainland, I forced you to detox the hard way. I’m just making up for being a complete bastard.”
Carson shrugged. “It had to be done. And if you were being a bastard, then I was being a baby. What Rodney went through after taking that Wraith enzyme was way worse. This was just…” Carson shook his head. “The whole thing seems a little surreal.”
John just nodded not sure what to say since he didn’t have the same perspective on the events as everyone else. He was literally the only on the expedition to have not have fallen under Lucius’ spell.
“I should have known something was wrong… I never should have brought him back to Atlantis.”
John stroked the back of Carson’s head where it was tucked against his chest, Carson no longer able to make eye contact. Mentally, John let out a sigh of relief. They were going to get this out and hopefully done with. Then they’d still have a few days to just relax and he wouldn’t have to spend the whole time looking for an opportunity to get Carson to talk.
“You didn’t have a choice. He had you mind-whammied, for lack of a better word. You never would have done that on your own accord. I know you know that. You have better judgment than that - when you aren’t being drugged by some hedonistic asshole.”
Carson shrugged but didn’t say anything. John tipped his chin up to look him in the eye, despite Carson’s attempts to look away. “You did the analysis of that stuff he was drinking. You know exactly what it does to a person’s brain. You know it wasn’t your fault.”
Carson sighed. “Intellectually, I suppose I do. But I still feel guilty as hell.”
“Should Rodney and Ronon and Elizabeth and everyone else feel guilty for going along with him too?” John carefully left Teyla off the list - what had happened to her and Carson was a separate discussion.
The weak moonlight coming in through the tent window kept Carson’s features in shadow, but John could tell he was struggling to find a way to say that everyone else was excused but that he was complicit in what had happened. He pushed before Carson could talk himself into some whacked out justification. “Are they? Elizabeth sent you and Teyla and Ronon off to get him that damn weed. I told her there were Wraith there and that there was too much risk involved in the mission. Have you ever seen Elizabeth ignore my recommendation to play it safe?”
Carson shook his head against John’s chest, clearly not much more comfortable discussing other people’s odd behaviors than he was his own.
“She couldn’t think straight. None of you could. Rodney was about to go around handing out jumpers…” John took a breath, feeling his ire at Lucius rise again. He continued as calmly as he could. “This guy was a menace. He knew exactly what he was doing to people. He actually talked himself into believing that he wasn’t doing anything wrong - that he was just a guy everyone wanted to ‘help’. He knows he was a total loser before he found that herb and that he’s going to get strung up by the balls by six very pissed off women now that he’s without it again. As much as you don’t want to think about it, you, Elizabeth, Ronon, Rodney, Zelenka - all of you - were victims. It sucks, but it doesn’t make it your fault.” He started rubbing Carson’s tense back through his t-shirt.
“All of us, not you,” Carson pointed out.
“I was sick. I couldn’t smell him,” John said apologetically. He knew that the fact that he had been able to keep his wits about him was Atlantis’ saving grace, but in some ways he felt a little guilty now. Carson needed someone to commiserate with and it obviously couldn’t be him.
Carson sighed. “I guess we should all be thankful for that.”
“Hey,” John said sincerely, “You fought back too. You were so pissed at me for ‘kidnapping’ you, but once we got enough of that crap out of your system, you found the solution for everyone else. Not to mention keeping up one hell of a good act in order to give him that neutralizer. Rodney told me that you had them totally snowed when they came to ‘rescue’ you. He was sure you were still drinking the kool-aide, so to speak.”
Carson thought about that. John had a point. Coming off the drug in the middle of the damn woods without any kind of supportive care to minimalize the withdrawal effects had sucked. John going all ‘tough love’ on him hadn’t helped either, but once his head had started to clear up a little and he’d realized how stupid everyone was acting he’d dedicated himself to taking the wind out of Lucius’ sails in a way that he’d never forget. And it had felt good to give him that shot - telling him that he was getting the ATA gene when in fact he was stripping him of his ability to hurt people ever again. He blew out a breath and made a conscious decision to let it go. He needed to, even letting Lucius’ insanity take over another five days of his life by making him feel guilty and confused and pissed was five days too many. That man didn’t deserve being dwelled upon.
“I need to let it go, don’t I?” he asked quietly.
John kissed his forehead. “Will staying hung up on it accomplish anything?”
“No,” Carson answered quickly knowing that John was right. He settled himself a little closer to John, “I’m still a little creeped out that I slept with him.”
John growled internally. He’d hoped Carson was lumping it all in together when he said that he needed to let it go. He hated thinking that Lucius had made Carson afraid of him. They’d been together just about a year. He really didn’t want to think about having to back up and start over and win Carson’s trust again. Part of him wanted to make a joke - tell him that Carson owed him one after Mara, but he knew this wasn’t a funny. He couldn’t turn being assaulted into a punchline. “Again, not your fault. Just like it’s not Teyla’s fault. You don’t blame her, do you?”
Carson was silent for long enough that John was able to figure out exactly what Carson was thinking. “Don’t you dare think that it’s different for guys. We both know Teyla could have kicked his ass with one hand tied behind her back if he’d tried something when she’d been in any frame of mind to refuse him. She about castrated him for talking around her and asking me and Ronon if she was taken. Teyla can take care of herself when she can think for herself. She couldn’t. Neither could you. He was a fucking predator. You should have seen that bastard’s face when I cornered him on the six wives thing.”
“Why? What did he do?” Carson asked.
“He said something to the effect of how he never made people do things that they didn’t want to do. I mentioned his six wives and he got this disgustingly smug look and said, ‘sometimes all at the same time’.” John screwed up his face. “He was damn lucky that I was in a cell at that point because I would have wiped that fucking expression off his face. And that was before I even knew that he’d attacked people I care about.” He took a few deep breaths. Few things riled him as much as sexual predators of any kind. And this bastard seemed to take pride in his ability to coerce people into situations they’d never have been in if they’d been able to think clearly enough to kick him in the balls for suggesting they’d be interested in him. “He took pride in it, Carson. He knew he couldn’t snow me into thinking that he was just this winsome, handsome guy who got anyone he wanted through honest-to-god charm. So he took pride in being a sleeze ball. I still want to kick his ass for that smarmy look he got on his face when he talked about those girls.”
John deliberately released the tension building in him as he thought about it. “I better never see that bastard again. So help me these aren’t idle threats.”
Carson grinned into John’s chest where John couldn’t see him. “My knight in shining armor, eh?”
John shrugged. “Tell you what, I’ll hold him still and you can beat him senseless with that stupid plant of his, okay?”
Carson laughed a little. “I don’t want that damn plant and that bloody fool in the same solar system ever again.”
“Fair point,” John agreed. “We’ll bring Teyla’s sticks.”
“Alright, I’m sure she’ll want to get in a few licks of her own,” Carson agreed.
“Sounds like a plan,” John said still rubbing Carson’s back. They were silent for a few minutes, but John could tell Carson hadn’t fallen asleep so he asked, “You okay?”
“Aye, better than I’ve been in a while. I just kept thinking that… there was something I should have done. That I should have recognized that I wasn’t feeling quite right or something before I brought him back. I knew he was odd when I first got there. I never really noticed when I stopped thinking he was such a daft duck and started thinking...”
“Not. Your. Fault,” John said again.
“I think I get it now.” He stretched up and kissed John’s lips softly. “Thank you. I guess I needed someone to hit me upside the head with the idea that I’m no different than anyone else and I don’t hold them accountable for what happened while under his influence.”
“Exactly,” John said emphatically. He squeezed Carson tight. “You’ll forgive me if I still defer to you for a bit? Knowing it wasn’t your fault and not having a visceral reaction are two different things. I don’t expect things to be back to the way there were last week just because we talked tonight.”
“Fair enough. But at the same time, don’t treat me like I’m going to break. That just makes it worse. It makes me feel like I might.”
John thought about that for a second. He was going to be walking a pretty thin line for a while, but he knew that it would be worth it and it would only be for a little while. Carson was resilient as hell. This too would pass given enough time.
They fell asleep after that. John woke a few times during the night and found Carson pressed against him or tangled around him and found that he felt relieved each time. He hadn’t realized that he’d started to fear that what Lucius had done really would come between them.
The Human Body: the stories so far...
Somewhere in Season 1: HB I: A Pain in the Ass
The Siege (3): HB II: Put Your Head on My Shoulder
The Intruder: HB III: A Slip of the Tongue, Part 1, Part 2
Runner: HB IV: Getting Into Your Genes
Duet: HB V: Killing Off a Few Liver Cells
Condemned: HB VI: Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes
Trinity: HB VII: Got Your Back
Instinct/Conversion
Aurora
The Lost Boys/The Hive
Epiphany
Critical Mass
Grace Under Pressure: Heart to Heart, Part 1| Part 2
Grace Under Pressure: AU ending More than Just a Sympathetic Ear
The Tower: HB VIII: Do We Need a Rabbit?
The Long Goodbye
Coup d'Etat
Michael: HB IX: Delete
Inferno
Allies
Season 3
No Man's Land
Misbegotten
Irresistible Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3