TW Fic: You Can Be Interesting Tomorrow
Title: You Can Be Interesting Tomorrow
Summary: Owen accidentally gets revenge for Ianto shooting him; Ianto contemplates bugs, bears and babies (the less said about the chickens, the better) and Jack finds Ianto interesting. (Takes place shortly after "Something Borrowed", while Gwen is on her honeymoon.)
Rating: PG for language - nothing you haven't heard on the show.
Word Count: 3770
Pairing: Jack/Ianto
Author's Notes: Thanks to scifinut for the quick beta and for pronouncing this thing readable.
Jack eased around the corner, the large rifle he was armed with against one shoulder. They’d been on this hunt for about four hours. It was now half one in the morning and everyone was in a sour mood.
“Oh, FUCK!”
Jack jumped as Owen shrieked into his earpiece.
“You got it?” Jack asked, pressing himself back against the brick wall, staying in the shadows while his attention was on the voice in his ear.
There was no immediate answer. “Owen? You got it? Owen?” He heard the sounds of swearing and fumbling and then the ‘whoosh’ of a tranquilizer gun firing. “Owen! Answer me! Did you get it?” Jack was starting to get worried at the lack of reply.
Finally a long sigh in his ear and then, “Yeah, I got it. The second time.”
Jack sagged against the building in relief. “But you got it?”
“Yeah. The problem is what I hit the first time.”
Jack waited for Owen to elaborate and when he didn’t, Jack pushed off the wall and started heading in the direction he’d sent Owen and Ianto. “Owen? What did you hit the first time?” Jack asked overly-sweetly, annoyed that he had to ask for elaboration.
Owen mumbled into his comm.
“What?” Jack asked as he began to speed up.
“I said, ‘I hit Ianto,’” Owen said slowly and clearly.
“With a dart full of bear tranquilizer?” Jack broke into a run now. It was probably better the dart than a bullet, but they were hunting a Hoix which meant a large dart and quite a lot of narcotic.
“It shouldn’t hurt him,” Owen mumbled, there was a pause before he added. “Yep, he’s out cold, but breathing okay.”
Jack wasn’t sure but he thought Owen added, “besides, I owe him a shot in the shoulder anyway.’
“He’s so going to kick your ass,” Jack said as he came upon the two of them at the edge of the park. Ianto was lying where he’d crumpled in the grass, Owen kneeling next to him. “And I’m going to sit back and watch.”
Owen just glared at Jack, knowing that there was no real malice, but not exactly appreciating being made to feel worse about the accident.
Jack dropped next to Ianto and leaned his cheek down to feel Ianto’s breath.
“He’s breathing, we should just watch him until he comes around,” Owen said, sitting back on his heels. “And now, instead of the three of us dragging one heavy-arse Hoix to the SUV, we have the two of us dragging the two of them. Lovely.”
Jack looked back to where the Hoix had finally fallen over in a small copse of trees about twenty meters away. He had a strong suspicion it would wake before Ianto. “Let’s get Sir-Eats-a-Lot tucked away first. I don’t want to risk being your next victim if we have to shoot him again.”
Owen glared, but didn’t comment.
Jack took a second to maneuver Ianto’s arms and legs to make him a bit more comfortable while they dragged the hundred-and-fifty kilogram alien to the SUV.
Grabbing one leg, Jack indicated to Owen to grab the other. Owen, not realizing how dense a Hoix was, began dragging as if it were a human, or even a Weevil body, jerking as he pulled but the Hoix didn’t move. “What the hell?”
“The Hoix are a mercury based life-form. They’re a little heavier than your standard alien.” Jack took a deep breath and began hauling, their progress slow even when Owen caught on and began dragging with all his might.
“This just give a whole new meaning to dealing with a dense alien,” Owen ground out as they finally managed to get it to the curb.
Jack opened the back of the SUV and then turned to look at the alien. “Well, now we have a problem.”
Owen craned his head to look into the back of the SUV. “What’s that?”
“None of a Hoix’s joints bend more than ninety degrees. We can’t shove them into a fetal position the way we do a Weevil to make them fit back here.” Jack leaned on the door, drumming his fingers.
“Ninety degrees, right?” Owen repeated and Jack nodded. “So it can sit in a seat. Ninety at the waist, ninety at the knees? We use the seatbelt to keep it upright.”
Jack nodded again. “That could work. But it’s going to have to sit in the passenger’s seat next to you. If it wakes up, I don’t want it in back with an unconscious Ianto.”
Owen nodded before realizing that he was now both driving and Hoix-sitting. “Wait! Why do I have to sit in front with it?”
“Because someone has to sit in back and hold Ianto up. And I’d say your chances are better with a conscious Hoix than with him, right now.” Jack raised his eyebrows, daring Owen to challenge him.
Owen just rolled his eyes. “Fine. We need to get him into the car so we can get going. While Ianto may sleep another few hours, that Hoix has maybe half an hour at best. And that’s not taking into effect that I have no idea how fast a mercury-based metabolism will absorb, well… anything.”
Owen opened the passenger’s side door and they used ten of their thirty minutes hauling the thing into its seat before they were able to go and get Ianto.
“Never thought I’d think of Ianto as a lightweight,” Owen said as they got him into the backseat next to Jack.
Owen hit the ignition and tore away from the park, lights blazing, trying to get back to the hub and get the Hoix locked in a cell before it woke. He took the first corner so fast that Jack was reasonably sure two tires actually left the road. Fortunately, the way they were seated meant that the Hoix went into the door and Ianto went into Jack. Jack didn’t want to think about the kind of accident that would have been caused had the Hoix fallen into Owen. “You may want to actually slow down a bit before you cause an accident,” Jack said as he maneuvered Ianto to lean against his shoulder.
Owen shot a two-finger salute over the seat, “You aren’t the one sitting next to an eight-ton alien that’s more than likely going to wake up hungry. Not to mention is probably toxic to the touch. Oh my god! I touched it! It’s made of mercury and -“
“Owen, for god’s sake, you were handling it through its clothes. Now shut up and drive.” Jack shook his head and once again, repositioned Ianto. He flinched back when Ianto snuggled into his shoulder. If Ianto was waking up already that damn alien couldn’t be far behind. “Owen, should Ianto be asleep or unconscious?”
“Why?” Owen asked taking the next corner just a tad slower, but still faster than necessary.
“Because he’s acting more like he’s deeply asleep than out cold. And if he’s waking up…”
“No, it’s the formula I was playing with. The idea was to put - well, an alien, not Ianto - into a deep sleep, but be able to easily wake them once we had them under control. I was actually preparing it for the Weevils. We’d be able to knock them out while they were in public, but then a simple stimulant would counteract it and we’d get handclamps on them and they’d be able to walk their heavy-arsed carcasses to the vaults.”
Jack’s eyebrows came together. “Sounds good. Unless that thing up by you wakes up before we get home. You have the counteragent at the hub?”
He could see Owen’s head bob from side to side as he tried to come up with the right words. “I haven’t actually gotten that part perfected yet. We’re going to need to wait for this wear off. And while it might work on Ianto… I’m still trying to figure out why the tranq even worked on a bloody mercury metabolism. Why didn’t you tell me the thing was made of fucking mercury?”
Jack cleared his throat before announcing clearly, “Because I thought you read the damn files I sent to you. Do I need to start including a quiz at the end of each one?”
Owen sunk into his seat. “I’ve been busy,” he muttered. “Who knew we’d actually get a Hoix through the rift. You’ve sent me at least twelve other files for aliens we’ve never seen. How was I to know I’d actually need to know what was in that one?”
Ianto wiggled again against Jack, shifting Jack’s attention from his paperwork-averse CMO. Jack gently ruffled Ianto’s hair and stretched his neck to be able to look down into his face. Ianto was grimacing in his sleep and Jack realized that Ianto’s arm was pinned behind his own back from the way he’d slid when Owen had taken that first turn. Jack gently pulled it around and set Ianto’s hand on his own shoulder. Ianto’s buried his face into Jack’s shoulder. Jack smiled to himself as Ianto’s hand closed, seemingly instinctively, around the elastic of Jack’s tan braces. Jack gently stroked his hair again with one hand, the other still around Ianto’s back, holding him still as the car bounced to a stop back at the hub.
Owen threw the SUV into park before jumping out. “I’m going for that anti-gravity-magnetic-whatever-the-hell-it-is that Ianto uses to move things around in the archives. See if you can’t wake him up yet.” He was gone before Jack could voice any possible objections.
Jack gently shook Ianto, like he was waking a toddler who’d fallen asleep on the way home from a long day, instead of an adult who’d been knocked out with tampered tranquilizers. “Ianto? Hey, Ianto, can you wake up long enough to walk inside?”
Jack laughed out loud when Ianto actually shook his head ‘no’ against Jack’s chest before being still again.
“No?” Jack asked, deciding that if he was getting a response that maybe he just needed to prod a little harder. “Are you sure? If you walk inside you can sleep in my bed instead of here in the car.”
Ianto tightened his grip on Jack’s braces, but didn’t budge otherwise.
Owen returned later with haz-mat gloves and a heavy-duty rubber apron on. Jack began to wish that he’d made up the mercury-based life-form as a joke given how radically Owen was reacting to the news. It would have been fabulous to get him in front of the whole team to tell him that he’d just been having him on. As it was, the mercury was real, so he supposed that Owen’s reaction wasn’t completely uncalled for. And then it occurred to him. Yes, yes it was. It was completely uncalled for.
Jack extricated himself from both Ianto and the SUV and helped Owen get the Hoix onto the alien pushcart. As Owen flipped a Hoixian arm up onto the cart and then hung the haz-mat gloves over the handle, Jack caught sight of the bandage of Owen’s hand and began laughing.
“You want to do this?” Owen asked as he propelled the heavy alien towards the door.
“No, but I just remembered something,” Jack said, gesturing at Owen’s hand. “You’re dead. Can you even get mercury poisoning?”
Owen stopped and stared at his hand. He’d forgotten. For the first time since waking up on his own autopsy table he’d forgotten he was technically dead. It was an incredibly good feeling to realize that his odd state of being wasn’t taking up every moment of every day any more. He shook his head, not having either a pithy or poignant comment and pushed the Hoix off to the lift.
Jack went around and managed to get Ianto out of the SUV on his own. After a couple of attempts to sag to the ground, Jack convinced him to actually put a little effort into staying upright.
They were crossing the hub when Tosh came running up and attempted to take Ianto’s other side, despite being too short to be terribly effective. “What happened? Owen said something about Ianto being hit, but he didn’t say by what. Was it the alien? Oh my god, was he shot?” Tosh’s eyes began raking over Ianto’s limp form, clearly looking for blood or holes that shouldn’t be there. Her eyes landed on the roughly three-centimeter diameter circle of blood visible on his white shirt. “Jack, look!” She began steering Ianto to Owen’s lab, but Jack pulled her back the other way.
“Put him on the couch,” Jack said as they moved. “That’s from a puncture wound that Owen knows about. In fact, Owen caused it,” Jack said as they let Ianto drop to the couch with a muttered ‘oof’. Jack pulled his feet up onto the sofa as Tosh grabbed a pillow and tucked it under Ianto’s head.
“What happened?” Tosh asked again.
“Owen’s aim sucks,” Ianto muttered into the pillow.
“Well,” Owen said as he came up the stairs from the cells, “So much for hoping he wouldn’t remember what happened.” Owen grabbed Ianto’s wrist and took his pulse, dropping his arm unceremoniously on his chest when he was done. “He just needs to sleep it off.”
“Sleepi’off,” Ianto echoed, slurring the words together.
Owen shook his head. “He’ll probably have a pretty good hangover tomorrow. We all might want to tread lightly around him.”
“Tread lightly,” Ianto slurred. “Bread lightly?” He opened one eye that looked far too glassy and stared at Jack, “Am I a chicken?”
Jack covered his mouth with one hand, just in case Ianto was in any shape to notice he was being laughed at. “Owen, is this normal?”
Owen tried hard not to laugh too. Any other day he’d have had a good time with the drugged man, but given that Ianto clearly remembered how he’d gotten this way, Owen was smart enough not to exacerbate the situation. “He’s doped to the gills on narcotics. This isn’t completely unheard of.”
“A herd of what?” Ianto asked, his eyes closed again. “You can’t herd chickens.”
Jack was torn between telling Ianto to just stop talking for his own sake and getting a camcorder. “No one’s trying to herd chickens, Ianto,” he finally said.
“No one’s heard of chickens?” Ianto asked, trying to lift his head, but ultimately deciding it was too much work. “They’re little birds. Lots of ways to eat them. How can no one have heard of chickens?”
“We’ve heard of chickens, but no one’s trying to herd -“ Jack cut himself off. “Why am I trying to have a logical conversation with you right now? You are, as Owen so delicately put it, doped to the gills.” Jack sat on the edge of the sofa and began unknotting Ianto’s tie, knowing that Ianto wasn’t in any condition to fuss about sleeping on the sofa that night and Jack wasn’t up to trying to get him down the ladder in his current state.
“That doesn’t make sense, Jack,” Ianto said slowly shaking his head. Jack was somewhat heartened to note that at least Ianto knew whom he was talking to. “Chickens don’t have gills. Only fish do. Chickens can’t swim. If they could, they’d be ducks.”
“That’s some pretty amazing logic you’ve got going there,” Jack said as he unbuttoned Ianto’s collar buttons and slid his tie off. As he began unbuttoning Ianto’s shirt, Jack turned back to Owen, “Where’s the Hoix?”
Owen rocked back on his heels. “Yeah… about that thing…”
Jack glared at him.
“I’m not entirely sure I haven’t killed it. Not that I have whole lot of baseline information on it, but it’s awfully cold and I can’t find any signs of respiration.” Owen managed to look at tad bit apologetic.
“Keep it in a cell for a day or two, in case it wakes up. If it doesn’t, autopsy it.” Jack told him. He caught sight of Tosh hovering. “Tosh, it’s almost three, go on home. As Owen said, Ianto just needs to sleep this off. We’ll get him tucked in here on the couch for the night. Go on.”
“You’re sure?” Tosh asked as she realized Ianto was still talking and not making a lot of sense.
“Baseline… baseball… aliens can’t play baseball. There’s no room in the cells. Maybe Jupiter can be third base. Can’t be Pluto though, because it’s not a planet any more.”
Jack snickered as he sat Ianto up and Owen pulled off both his shirt and jacket, leaving him in just his white t-shirt. “I’m sure. We’ll see you tomorrow.”
Tosh nodded and squeezed Ianto’s shoulder. “Hope you feel better soon,” she said as she grabbed her purse and headed for the door.
“I saw a t.v. show once where a whole baseball team was made up of Roswell Grays,” Owen said to Ianto, just to see what reaction he’d get.
“Don’t poke the bear,” Jack cautioned as he leaned down to untie Ianto’s shoes. “He’s already shown that he remembers that this is your fault.”
“Poke-a-bear. Poke-a-bear. Polka-dot-bear. Bears don’t have polka-dots. Went to a circus with my da once. Saw a bear dance a polka. I can’t dance.” Even with his eyes closed, Ianto managed to look forlorn at that statement.
“You dance just fine,” Jack said. “We danced at Gwen’s wedding, remember?”
“Bears can’t get married,” Ianto said sadly.
“No,” Jack told him as he wiggled Ianto’s trousers off, a task made all the more difficult by trying to keep the boxers in place for a change. “They can’t, but they don’t mind. Gwen got married. And we danced at the wedding.” Jack knew he shouldn’t be trying to have a conversation with Ianto, but he was both fascinated by the odd turns of Ianto’s mind and grateful that as long as he was talking he was breathing.
Ianto’s eyes flew open. “Something tried to eat a baby bear at the wedding!”
Jack bit his lip to keep from laughing. Ianto’s brain being so completely muddled was nothing to laugh at. Except for when it caused outbursts like that. “There were no bears at the wedding. But there was a Nostrovite who wanted her baby back from Gwen.”
“How very rude,” Ianto said with a pout.
“Rude?” Jack asked despite knowing better.
“When you give someone something you aren’t supposed to take it back. That’s rude.”
“No, it was okay, Gwen didn’t want to have her baby anyway. She just objected to the way the mother wanted to get it out of her.” Jack decided to leave Ianto’s socks on for the night.
“We should get that shirt off so I can see the hole. It’s probably nothing, but I should put some betadine or something on it, just to be on the safe side,” Owen said as he came back from where he’d retrieved a couple of blankets for Ianto.
Jack sat Ianto up once again as Owen wiggled the shirt off. Once they laid him back down, Owen poked at the small scratch, now covered by a scab, and at the bruise surrounding it for about five centimeters on all sides. “You did a good job dragging this thing out of your shoulder,” Owen commented as he realized that instead of the round hole he’d expected there was a half-centimeter tear.
“My shoulder hurts,” Ianto commented lazily in distinct counterpoint to his words.
“Hey, something that both makes sense and is appropriate to the conversation. I think we’re making progress,” Jack said as he tucked the blankets around Ianto’s legs and torso.
“Making progress,” Ianto echoed.
“Or not,” Owen opined as he swabbed Ianto’s shoulder with antiseptic.
“Orrnut,” Ianto echoed. “Is that like a peanut? Don’t give babies peanuts. Not even ones Gwen doesn’t want.”
Owen taped down a small bandage and Jack pulled the blanket up over Ianto’s shoulders. “No one has any peanuts,” Jack whispered as he leaned down to kiss his forehead.
“Or any babies,” Owen put in from where he was collecting his rubbish and supplies.
“Yeah, the less said about those right now, the better. I’m trying to get him to settle down and go to sleep.” Jack took one of Ianto’s hands in his own and began stroking the back of it with his thumb. With out looking at Owen, he asked him, “Unless you think he needs to stay awake until this wears off.”
“Nah, he’s ready to sleep it off, if you can get him to relax. In fact, I’m going to head out. Call if you think anything’s gone wrong, but he just needs to let this take its course. Let him sleep in, in the morning, yeah?” Owen told him as he finished straightening up and grabbed his jacket from his chair.
Jack nodded. “Alright. G’night.”
“Alright, g’night… something something bedbugs bite,” Ianto sing-songed.
“Good night, sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite,” Jack told him.
“Do we have a zoo?” Ianto asked, prying his eyes open once again and turning to look at Jack. His eyes were less glassy, but Jack could tell that he wasn’t going to be making sense any time soon.
“No. No zoo,” Jack said hoping that if he kept his answers simple, he could keep Ianto’s mind from going off on any further tangents.
“I thought we had a zoo. There were bugs and bears and chickens in it. And possibly frogs.”
“Frogs?” Jack asked. They hadn’t talked about frogs. Yet.
“Maybe I just find frogs interesting,” Ianto told him as his eyes drifted back shut.
Jack slid the pillow out from under Ianto’s head and sat him up just enough to slide in behind him. After laying Ianto’s head on his lap, he finally answered with, “Maybe I find you interesting.”
Ianto’s eyes shot open and he looked up at Jack with an outrageously huge smile, but he didn’t say anything.
Jack smiled back and gently pet Ianto’s hair with one hand and rested the other on his chest, mindful of the bruise. “You about ready to fall asleep?”
Ianto frowned. “I won’t be interesting if I’m asleep.”
“That’s okay. You can be interesting tomorrow,” Jack told him and judging by the way Ianto snuggled into his lap, that was apparently logic enough for the moment. Several minutes later, Jack felt as well as heard Ianto take a huge breath and let it out before his breath steadied and his muscles released that last bit of tension Owen’s dart hadn’t taken care of as Ianto drifted off to sleep.
Summary: Owen accidentally gets revenge for Ianto shooting him; Ianto contemplates bugs, bears and babies (the less said about the chickens, the better) and Jack finds Ianto interesting. (Takes place shortly after "Something Borrowed", while Gwen is on her honeymoon.)
Rating: PG for language - nothing you haven't heard on the show.
Word Count: 3770
Pairing: Jack/Ianto
Author's Notes: Thanks to scifinut for the quick beta and for pronouncing this thing readable.
Jack eased around the corner, the large rifle he was armed with against one shoulder. They’d been on this hunt for about four hours. It was now half one in the morning and everyone was in a sour mood.
“Oh, FUCK!”
Jack jumped as Owen shrieked into his earpiece.
“You got it?” Jack asked, pressing himself back against the brick wall, staying in the shadows while his attention was on the voice in his ear.
There was no immediate answer. “Owen? You got it? Owen?” He heard the sounds of swearing and fumbling and then the ‘whoosh’ of a tranquilizer gun firing. “Owen! Answer me! Did you get it?” Jack was starting to get worried at the lack of reply.
Finally a long sigh in his ear and then, “Yeah, I got it. The second time.”
Jack sagged against the building in relief. “But you got it?”
“Yeah. The problem is what I hit the first time.”
Jack waited for Owen to elaborate and when he didn’t, Jack pushed off the wall and started heading in the direction he’d sent Owen and Ianto. “Owen? What did you hit the first time?” Jack asked overly-sweetly, annoyed that he had to ask for elaboration.
Owen mumbled into his comm.
“What?” Jack asked as he began to speed up.
“I said, ‘I hit Ianto,’” Owen said slowly and clearly.
“With a dart full of bear tranquilizer?” Jack broke into a run now. It was probably better the dart than a bullet, but they were hunting a Hoix which meant a large dart and quite a lot of narcotic.
“It shouldn’t hurt him,” Owen mumbled, there was a pause before he added. “Yep, he’s out cold, but breathing okay.”
Jack wasn’t sure but he thought Owen added, “besides, I owe him a shot in the shoulder anyway.’
“He’s so going to kick your ass,” Jack said as he came upon the two of them at the edge of the park. Ianto was lying where he’d crumpled in the grass, Owen kneeling next to him. “And I’m going to sit back and watch.”
Owen just glared at Jack, knowing that there was no real malice, but not exactly appreciating being made to feel worse about the accident.
Jack dropped next to Ianto and leaned his cheek down to feel Ianto’s breath.
“He’s breathing, we should just watch him until he comes around,” Owen said, sitting back on his heels. “And now, instead of the three of us dragging one heavy-arse Hoix to the SUV, we have the two of us dragging the two of them. Lovely.”
Jack looked back to where the Hoix had finally fallen over in a small copse of trees about twenty meters away. He had a strong suspicion it would wake before Ianto. “Let’s get Sir-Eats-a-Lot tucked away first. I don’t want to risk being your next victim if we have to shoot him again.”
Owen glared, but didn’t comment.
Jack took a second to maneuver Ianto’s arms and legs to make him a bit more comfortable while they dragged the hundred-and-fifty kilogram alien to the SUV.
Grabbing one leg, Jack indicated to Owen to grab the other. Owen, not realizing how dense a Hoix was, began dragging as if it were a human, or even a Weevil body, jerking as he pulled but the Hoix didn’t move. “What the hell?”
“The Hoix are a mercury based life-form. They’re a little heavier than your standard alien.” Jack took a deep breath and began hauling, their progress slow even when Owen caught on and began dragging with all his might.
“This just give a whole new meaning to dealing with a dense alien,” Owen ground out as they finally managed to get it to the curb.
Jack opened the back of the SUV and then turned to look at the alien. “Well, now we have a problem.”
Owen craned his head to look into the back of the SUV. “What’s that?”
“None of a Hoix’s joints bend more than ninety degrees. We can’t shove them into a fetal position the way we do a Weevil to make them fit back here.” Jack leaned on the door, drumming his fingers.
“Ninety degrees, right?” Owen repeated and Jack nodded. “So it can sit in a seat. Ninety at the waist, ninety at the knees? We use the seatbelt to keep it upright.”
Jack nodded again. “That could work. But it’s going to have to sit in the passenger’s seat next to you. If it wakes up, I don’t want it in back with an unconscious Ianto.”
Owen nodded before realizing that he was now both driving and Hoix-sitting. “Wait! Why do I have to sit in front with it?”
“Because someone has to sit in back and hold Ianto up. And I’d say your chances are better with a conscious Hoix than with him, right now.” Jack raised his eyebrows, daring Owen to challenge him.
Owen just rolled his eyes. “Fine. We need to get him into the car so we can get going. While Ianto may sleep another few hours, that Hoix has maybe half an hour at best. And that’s not taking into effect that I have no idea how fast a mercury-based metabolism will absorb, well… anything.”
Owen opened the passenger’s side door and they used ten of their thirty minutes hauling the thing into its seat before they were able to go and get Ianto.
“Never thought I’d think of Ianto as a lightweight,” Owen said as they got him into the backseat next to Jack.
Owen hit the ignition and tore away from the park, lights blazing, trying to get back to the hub and get the Hoix locked in a cell before it woke. He took the first corner so fast that Jack was reasonably sure two tires actually left the road. Fortunately, the way they were seated meant that the Hoix went into the door and Ianto went into Jack. Jack didn’t want to think about the kind of accident that would have been caused had the Hoix fallen into Owen. “You may want to actually slow down a bit before you cause an accident,” Jack said as he maneuvered Ianto to lean against his shoulder.
Owen shot a two-finger salute over the seat, “You aren’t the one sitting next to an eight-ton alien that’s more than likely going to wake up hungry. Not to mention is probably toxic to the touch. Oh my god! I touched it! It’s made of mercury and -“
“Owen, for god’s sake, you were handling it through its clothes. Now shut up and drive.” Jack shook his head and once again, repositioned Ianto. He flinched back when Ianto snuggled into his shoulder. If Ianto was waking up already that damn alien couldn’t be far behind. “Owen, should Ianto be asleep or unconscious?”
“Why?” Owen asked taking the next corner just a tad slower, but still faster than necessary.
“Because he’s acting more like he’s deeply asleep than out cold. And if he’s waking up…”
“No, it’s the formula I was playing with. The idea was to put - well, an alien, not Ianto - into a deep sleep, but be able to easily wake them once we had them under control. I was actually preparing it for the Weevils. We’d be able to knock them out while they were in public, but then a simple stimulant would counteract it and we’d get handclamps on them and they’d be able to walk their heavy-arsed carcasses to the vaults.”
Jack’s eyebrows came together. “Sounds good. Unless that thing up by you wakes up before we get home. You have the counteragent at the hub?”
He could see Owen’s head bob from side to side as he tried to come up with the right words. “I haven’t actually gotten that part perfected yet. We’re going to need to wait for this wear off. And while it might work on Ianto… I’m still trying to figure out why the tranq even worked on a bloody mercury metabolism. Why didn’t you tell me the thing was made of fucking mercury?”
Jack cleared his throat before announcing clearly, “Because I thought you read the damn files I sent to you. Do I need to start including a quiz at the end of each one?”
Owen sunk into his seat. “I’ve been busy,” he muttered. “Who knew we’d actually get a Hoix through the rift. You’ve sent me at least twelve other files for aliens we’ve never seen. How was I to know I’d actually need to know what was in that one?”
Ianto wiggled again against Jack, shifting Jack’s attention from his paperwork-averse CMO. Jack gently ruffled Ianto’s hair and stretched his neck to be able to look down into his face. Ianto was grimacing in his sleep and Jack realized that Ianto’s arm was pinned behind his own back from the way he’d slid when Owen had taken that first turn. Jack gently pulled it around and set Ianto’s hand on his own shoulder. Ianto’s buried his face into Jack’s shoulder. Jack smiled to himself as Ianto’s hand closed, seemingly instinctively, around the elastic of Jack’s tan braces. Jack gently stroked his hair again with one hand, the other still around Ianto’s back, holding him still as the car bounced to a stop back at the hub.
Owen threw the SUV into park before jumping out. “I’m going for that anti-gravity-magnetic-whatever-the-hell-it-is that Ianto uses to move things around in the archives. See if you can’t wake him up yet.” He was gone before Jack could voice any possible objections.
Jack gently shook Ianto, like he was waking a toddler who’d fallen asleep on the way home from a long day, instead of an adult who’d been knocked out with tampered tranquilizers. “Ianto? Hey, Ianto, can you wake up long enough to walk inside?”
Jack laughed out loud when Ianto actually shook his head ‘no’ against Jack’s chest before being still again.
“No?” Jack asked, deciding that if he was getting a response that maybe he just needed to prod a little harder. “Are you sure? If you walk inside you can sleep in my bed instead of here in the car.”
Ianto tightened his grip on Jack’s braces, but didn’t budge otherwise.
Owen returned later with haz-mat gloves and a heavy-duty rubber apron on. Jack began to wish that he’d made up the mercury-based life-form as a joke given how radically Owen was reacting to the news. It would have been fabulous to get him in front of the whole team to tell him that he’d just been having him on. As it was, the mercury was real, so he supposed that Owen’s reaction wasn’t completely uncalled for. And then it occurred to him. Yes, yes it was. It was completely uncalled for.
Jack extricated himself from both Ianto and the SUV and helped Owen get the Hoix onto the alien pushcart. As Owen flipped a Hoixian arm up onto the cart and then hung the haz-mat gloves over the handle, Jack caught sight of the bandage of Owen’s hand and began laughing.
“You want to do this?” Owen asked as he propelled the heavy alien towards the door.
“No, but I just remembered something,” Jack said, gesturing at Owen’s hand. “You’re dead. Can you even get mercury poisoning?”
Owen stopped and stared at his hand. He’d forgotten. For the first time since waking up on his own autopsy table he’d forgotten he was technically dead. It was an incredibly good feeling to realize that his odd state of being wasn’t taking up every moment of every day any more. He shook his head, not having either a pithy or poignant comment and pushed the Hoix off to the lift.
Jack went around and managed to get Ianto out of the SUV on his own. After a couple of attempts to sag to the ground, Jack convinced him to actually put a little effort into staying upright.
They were crossing the hub when Tosh came running up and attempted to take Ianto’s other side, despite being too short to be terribly effective. “What happened? Owen said something about Ianto being hit, but he didn’t say by what. Was it the alien? Oh my god, was he shot?” Tosh’s eyes began raking over Ianto’s limp form, clearly looking for blood or holes that shouldn’t be there. Her eyes landed on the roughly three-centimeter diameter circle of blood visible on his white shirt. “Jack, look!” She began steering Ianto to Owen’s lab, but Jack pulled her back the other way.
“Put him on the couch,” Jack said as they moved. “That’s from a puncture wound that Owen knows about. In fact, Owen caused it,” Jack said as they let Ianto drop to the couch with a muttered ‘oof’. Jack pulled his feet up onto the sofa as Tosh grabbed a pillow and tucked it under Ianto’s head.
“What happened?” Tosh asked again.
“Owen’s aim sucks,” Ianto muttered into the pillow.
“Well,” Owen said as he came up the stairs from the cells, “So much for hoping he wouldn’t remember what happened.” Owen grabbed Ianto’s wrist and took his pulse, dropping his arm unceremoniously on his chest when he was done. “He just needs to sleep it off.”
“Sleepi’off,” Ianto echoed, slurring the words together.
Owen shook his head. “He’ll probably have a pretty good hangover tomorrow. We all might want to tread lightly around him.”
“Tread lightly,” Ianto slurred. “Bread lightly?” He opened one eye that looked far too glassy and stared at Jack, “Am I a chicken?”
Jack covered his mouth with one hand, just in case Ianto was in any shape to notice he was being laughed at. “Owen, is this normal?”
Owen tried hard not to laugh too. Any other day he’d have had a good time with the drugged man, but given that Ianto clearly remembered how he’d gotten this way, Owen was smart enough not to exacerbate the situation. “He’s doped to the gills on narcotics. This isn’t completely unheard of.”
“A herd of what?” Ianto asked, his eyes closed again. “You can’t herd chickens.”
Jack was torn between telling Ianto to just stop talking for his own sake and getting a camcorder. “No one’s trying to herd chickens, Ianto,” he finally said.
“No one’s heard of chickens?” Ianto asked, trying to lift his head, but ultimately deciding it was too much work. “They’re little birds. Lots of ways to eat them. How can no one have heard of chickens?”
“We’ve heard of chickens, but no one’s trying to herd -“ Jack cut himself off. “Why am I trying to have a logical conversation with you right now? You are, as Owen so delicately put it, doped to the gills.” Jack sat on the edge of the sofa and began unknotting Ianto’s tie, knowing that Ianto wasn’t in any condition to fuss about sleeping on the sofa that night and Jack wasn’t up to trying to get him down the ladder in his current state.
“That doesn’t make sense, Jack,” Ianto said slowly shaking his head. Jack was somewhat heartened to note that at least Ianto knew whom he was talking to. “Chickens don’t have gills. Only fish do. Chickens can’t swim. If they could, they’d be ducks.”
“That’s some pretty amazing logic you’ve got going there,” Jack said as he unbuttoned Ianto’s collar buttons and slid his tie off. As he began unbuttoning Ianto’s shirt, Jack turned back to Owen, “Where’s the Hoix?”
Owen rocked back on his heels. “Yeah… about that thing…”
Jack glared at him.
“I’m not entirely sure I haven’t killed it. Not that I have whole lot of baseline information on it, but it’s awfully cold and I can’t find any signs of respiration.” Owen managed to look at tad bit apologetic.
“Keep it in a cell for a day or two, in case it wakes up. If it doesn’t, autopsy it.” Jack told him. He caught sight of Tosh hovering. “Tosh, it’s almost three, go on home. As Owen said, Ianto just needs to sleep this off. We’ll get him tucked in here on the couch for the night. Go on.”
“You’re sure?” Tosh asked as she realized Ianto was still talking and not making a lot of sense.
“Baseline… baseball… aliens can’t play baseball. There’s no room in the cells. Maybe Jupiter can be third base. Can’t be Pluto though, because it’s not a planet any more.”
Jack snickered as he sat Ianto up and Owen pulled off both his shirt and jacket, leaving him in just his white t-shirt. “I’m sure. We’ll see you tomorrow.”
Tosh nodded and squeezed Ianto’s shoulder. “Hope you feel better soon,” she said as she grabbed her purse and headed for the door.
“I saw a t.v. show once where a whole baseball team was made up of Roswell Grays,” Owen said to Ianto, just to see what reaction he’d get.
“Don’t poke the bear,” Jack cautioned as he leaned down to untie Ianto’s shoes. “He’s already shown that he remembers that this is your fault.”
“Poke-a-bear. Poke-a-bear. Polka-dot-bear. Bears don’t have polka-dots. Went to a circus with my da once. Saw a bear dance a polka. I can’t dance.” Even with his eyes closed, Ianto managed to look forlorn at that statement.
“You dance just fine,” Jack said. “We danced at Gwen’s wedding, remember?”
“Bears can’t get married,” Ianto said sadly.
“No,” Jack told him as he wiggled Ianto’s trousers off, a task made all the more difficult by trying to keep the boxers in place for a change. “They can’t, but they don’t mind. Gwen got married. And we danced at the wedding.” Jack knew he shouldn’t be trying to have a conversation with Ianto, but he was both fascinated by the odd turns of Ianto’s mind and grateful that as long as he was talking he was breathing.
Ianto’s eyes flew open. “Something tried to eat a baby bear at the wedding!”
Jack bit his lip to keep from laughing. Ianto’s brain being so completely muddled was nothing to laugh at. Except for when it caused outbursts like that. “There were no bears at the wedding. But there was a Nostrovite who wanted her baby back from Gwen.”
“How very rude,” Ianto said with a pout.
“Rude?” Jack asked despite knowing better.
“When you give someone something you aren’t supposed to take it back. That’s rude.”
“No, it was okay, Gwen didn’t want to have her baby anyway. She just objected to the way the mother wanted to get it out of her.” Jack decided to leave Ianto’s socks on for the night.
“We should get that shirt off so I can see the hole. It’s probably nothing, but I should put some betadine or something on it, just to be on the safe side,” Owen said as he came back from where he’d retrieved a couple of blankets for Ianto.
Jack sat Ianto up once again as Owen wiggled the shirt off. Once they laid him back down, Owen poked at the small scratch, now covered by a scab, and at the bruise surrounding it for about five centimeters on all sides. “You did a good job dragging this thing out of your shoulder,” Owen commented as he realized that instead of the round hole he’d expected there was a half-centimeter tear.
“My shoulder hurts,” Ianto commented lazily in distinct counterpoint to his words.
“Hey, something that both makes sense and is appropriate to the conversation. I think we’re making progress,” Jack said as he tucked the blankets around Ianto’s legs and torso.
“Making progress,” Ianto echoed.
“Or not,” Owen opined as he swabbed Ianto’s shoulder with antiseptic.
“Orrnut,” Ianto echoed. “Is that like a peanut? Don’t give babies peanuts. Not even ones Gwen doesn’t want.”
Owen taped down a small bandage and Jack pulled the blanket up over Ianto’s shoulders. “No one has any peanuts,” Jack whispered as he leaned down to kiss his forehead.
“Or any babies,” Owen put in from where he was collecting his rubbish and supplies.
“Yeah, the less said about those right now, the better. I’m trying to get him to settle down and go to sleep.” Jack took one of Ianto’s hands in his own and began stroking the back of it with his thumb. With out looking at Owen, he asked him, “Unless you think he needs to stay awake until this wears off.”
“Nah, he’s ready to sleep it off, if you can get him to relax. In fact, I’m going to head out. Call if you think anything’s gone wrong, but he just needs to let this take its course. Let him sleep in, in the morning, yeah?” Owen told him as he finished straightening up and grabbed his jacket from his chair.
Jack nodded. “Alright. G’night.”
“Alright, g’night… something something bedbugs bite,” Ianto sing-songed.
“Good night, sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite,” Jack told him.
“Do we have a zoo?” Ianto asked, prying his eyes open once again and turning to look at Jack. His eyes were less glassy, but Jack could tell that he wasn’t going to be making sense any time soon.
“No. No zoo,” Jack said hoping that if he kept his answers simple, he could keep Ianto’s mind from going off on any further tangents.
“I thought we had a zoo. There were bugs and bears and chickens in it. And possibly frogs.”
“Frogs?” Jack asked. They hadn’t talked about frogs. Yet.
“Maybe I just find frogs interesting,” Ianto told him as his eyes drifted back shut.
Jack slid the pillow out from under Ianto’s head and sat him up just enough to slide in behind him. After laying Ianto’s head on his lap, he finally answered with, “Maybe I find you interesting.”
Ianto’s eyes shot open and he looked up at Jack with an outrageously huge smile, but he didn’t say anything.
Jack smiled back and gently pet Ianto’s hair with one hand and rested the other on his chest, mindful of the bruise. “You about ready to fall asleep?”
Ianto frowned. “I won’t be interesting if I’m asleep.”
“That’s okay. You can be interesting tomorrow,” Jack told him and judging by the way Ianto snuggled into his lap, that was apparently logic enough for the moment. Several minutes later, Jack felt as well as heard Ianto take a huge breath and let it out before his breath steadied and his muscles released that last bit of tension Owen’s dart hadn’t taken care of as Ianto drifted off to sleep.