Sin and the Devil are Bad.
in my anger i faltered,
in my haste i ran away
the funny thing is you refused
to let me go astray
what i thought i wanted
only brought me the grave,
what i thought i hated,
was exactly what i needed:
extended hands to save...
some time ago this entry appeared in my journal:
Did I read that right? Is that really what you said? Did I pick and choose or did I miss it all? Did I find what I wanted, not listening for one second to what I already knew? When did it get to this point? this point where I've deluded myself into thinking I needed it instead of You?
I'm caught in this little game of hide and seek. It's like I'm a young one again, only old enough to legally purchase and consume the things of this world that I used to presume were the things of pure death. The truth has become blurred, and my glasses need adjusting.
I can watch the smoke go up all night; it's only a screen to what I want to keep unseen, only a pain in my chest that won't fade away until I let you take it from me. Last one's coming, 'cause if you got 'em, you better smoke them dead, I just hope I'm not, because it really feels like I am.
I am once again at this spot. Stuck in the mud, and my friends, I declare to you tonight that I'm sick of it:
The bathwater must be drained, for it is dirty. The baby must be dried off and planted FIRMLY on a rock. In case you didn't catch the issue, here's another entry from a while ago:
I'm trying to understand, but all I can say is "why?"Why do I have to be the one to tell them? How do I tell them without a) pissing them off, b) sounding like an idiot, and c) sounding like I have all the answers in the whole world???
I worry. But then again, these people have been driving me insane for the last 21 years, do I really want to enjoy their company for all eternity?
But they are family, and as much as I don't wish to admit, I love 'em.
And why is it that I get struck with this in a moment that I know that I'm not in the right in the first place? When I'm outside in below freezing weather choking down another one?? Is she with me? Reminding me that that's how she went out, and I'm just following her straight to only God knows where?I said it was the last one four months ago, but today I found myself with another in my hands, fresh pack, non-chalantly purchased with my tank of gasoline...
How can I ask them about Heaven and Hell and Jesus when I'm standing around with a bomb in my hands?
It's even worse now, because I've been charged with a leading role where I am, and so the question remains:How can I ask them about Heaven, Hell and Jesus when I stand not with arms high and heart abandoned, but rather with heart closed by secret anger, sadness and disdain, and hands that do nothing for the body but continue to poison it?
I've given up trying to hide, and I'm done with this evil. It's tempting, but I'm finished.
Lord, I know you forgive me, and I know that you've given me so much that I can't sit around and waste it...
Help me to forgive myself, Give me the comfort that I desire, for it is only You that can pour it out..
it's funny how you've used me
in ways i did not expect
though others have seen
you still hold us all in your arms
as the family we were supposed to be...