(no subject)
Title: Barriers
Fandom: SVU
Pairing: Alex/Olivia
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Don't own them
A/N: This is a Hannah-verse fic set after Alex comes back. Alex decides it's finally time to tell Olivia about Hannah.
A/N 2: As always, HUGE thanks to cherokee62 for her help with this series.
Alex paced her office, wondering why she’d chosen tonight of all nights. It felt so strange to her, having to keep her daughter’s existence a closely guarded secret, but at the same time she knew there was absolutely no way it would go over well with the team. She’d tried multiple times to come up with the right words to explain everything but the implications of it all would hit her full force and every time, she chickened out. Tonight, however, she wasn’t giving herself a choice. If she and Olivia really were going to work on building a friendship again, they couldn’t start it all on a mountain of secrets, even if they already sort of had. It was better late than later.
A knock sounded at the door and Alex breathed deeply, watching as it opened slowly before Olivia appeared.
“You wanted to see me?”
Alex nodded a little “Yeah…” She said, already starting to lose her nerve. “Yeah, come on in.” She motioned slightly to the couch. “Have a seat.”
Olivia shut the door and sat down on the couch. Alex bit her lip, gazing at her for a moment before sinking down beside her.
“Whatcha need?”
Alex swallowed hard. “Uhm…” She looked down at her lap, fiddling with her fingers. “There’s something I need to tell you.” She shut her eyes, sighing softly before opening them, lifting her gaze. She could already see the concern in Olivia’s eyes. A wave of guilt hit her, almost immediately followed by a wave of nausea and a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach. She breathed shakily, trying to push it back. Her gaze dropped back to her lap and she fidgeted slightly, no longer sure of her decision.
“Alex?” Olivia said after a moment. She leaned her head down a little, trying to catch the blonde’s gaze. “Is everything alright?”
Olivia sounded worried and that made the guilt hit that much harder, twisting inside her. Alex felt tears forming in her eyes and she cursed herself, blinking rapidly to push them back. The last thing she needed right now was Olivia’s sympathy. It’d make it that much worse when she dropped her bombshell. She lifted her gaze, searching brown eyes again.
“Olivia… I-I…” Alex tried to make the words form, but the more she willed them into existence, the harder they fought against her, begging to stay locked away for just a little bit longer. But Alex knew deep down that if she let herself get out of it this time, she’d just let herself keep pushing it back and back and back until Olivia somehow finally stumbled onto her secret on her own and the situation would become that much messier.
She took another deep breath and the words finally tumbled from her. “I have a daughter.”
Olivia stared at her, her expression unchanging and Alex knew she was probably struggling to process the information. She waited patiently, allowing Olivia to have her space and it was another long moment before she finally spoke up.
“A daughter?” She finally said.
“A daughter.” Alex replied quietly.
“What’s her name?”
“Hannah.”
Olivia nodded a little, looking away. She rubbed her hands together slightly before finally locking her gaze on Alex again, her expression set. “How old is she?”
Alex felt the weight of the words sinking down on her shoulders. This was it. “Three.”
Olivia fell silent again, just staring at her. Alex swallowed hard, shifting under the scrutiny. She tried to search Olivia’s eyes for some hint of what she was thinking but found that this was one of the rare occasions when she couldn’t interpret what she was seeing. She could tell that the wheels were turning in Olivia’s mind, but any emotions that came along with her thoughts were completely lost to the blonde. She felt her stomach flip-flopping, the nausea surfacing again.
“Please say something.” She finally begged, her voice wavering with the tears threatening to fall again.
“You knew.” Olivia said flatly.
“Wh-What?”
“When you came back for the trial… You knew you were pregnant.”
“I-I…” Alex shook her head. “N-No… Olivia, I had no idea. I swear I didn’t.”
“When did she turn three?” Olivia asked, an edge in her voice.
“August.”
“Damnit, Alex.” Olivia whispered, shaking her head. “You had to have known.”
“I swear I didn’t!” Alex wiped at her eyes, hating that she was already breaking. “I didn’t know until a month later!”
“Don’t lie to me. Don’t you dare lie to me.” Olivia rose from the couch. “You had to have known! You just didn’t have the guts to tell me!”
Alex felt small beneath Olivia’s accusations and she rose from the couch, trying to keep the balance between them, even as she wavered slightly, trying to get a grip on the emotions coursing through her, the panic bubbling beneath the surface.
“You have to believe me.” She begged, hating how desperate she sounded but knowing there was no use fighting it off. “I swear I didn’t know.”
“You didn’t know? But you made a point to tell me about that-what was he?-Oh, right… the claims adjustor.” The job title came out as a sneer.
“You asked if I was making any friends! I was trying to be honest with you! I didn’t want any secrets between us!”
“Why should I believe you, Alex? Give me one good reason. Why should I believe that you didn’t want secrets between us when it took you three years to come back to me?”
To come back to me. Alex caught the phrase, wondering if the detective had realized she’d said it. ‘Me’ not ‘the squad.’ She gazed at the other woman, wondering if she was reading more into it than she should, if Olivia had actually wanted her back in the way she was thinking or if she was only referring to the physical return, to Alex’s complete absence from her life.
She realized she’d let a silence fall and she swallowed hard. “Because,” she said, latching onto the tiny bit of hope still lingering inside her. “You have to believe in what we had.”
“Why should I?” Olivia hissed, her anger rising. “Why should I believe in it when you didn’t believe enough to come back to me?”
It hadn’t been a mistake.
Alex felt the tears sliding down her cheeks, no longer able to hold them back. “I was scared.”
Olivia shook her head. “Scared is three months, Alex, not three years.” She shook her head again and Alex knew the detective was still having a hard time processing everything. “I can’t do this. I can’t. I need to think.” She turned to leave.
Alex panicked. “Olivia… wait!” She moved towards her, stopping when Olivia held her hand up.
“No.” Olivia swallowed hard. “No… Just stop.” She gazed at her. “I don’t know what to believe anymore and until I do, I can’t talk to you. Not like this.”
Alex fell silent, knowing it was no use to try and fight her, that pushing her luck would only make matters worse right now. She swore she could see tears forming in Olivia’s eyes as they gazed at each other for another long moment, but the detective turned away and hurried out, the door shutting loudly behind her.
Alex stared at the door. She wanted to open it, wanted to chase after the detective and beg her to come back, to just listen to her. Instead, she felt her legs shaking and she sank heavily onto the couch, gaze still locked on the door.
Come back to me.
“I wanted to.” Alex whispered before finally breaking into sobs.
Fandom: SVU
Pairing: Alex/Olivia
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Don't own them
A/N: This is a Hannah-verse fic set after Alex comes back. Alex decides it's finally time to tell Olivia about Hannah.
A/N 2: As always, HUGE thanks to cherokee62 for her help with this series.
Alex paced her office, wondering why she’d chosen tonight of all nights. It felt so strange to her, having to keep her daughter’s existence a closely guarded secret, but at the same time she knew there was absolutely no way it would go over well with the team. She’d tried multiple times to come up with the right words to explain everything but the implications of it all would hit her full force and every time, she chickened out. Tonight, however, she wasn’t giving herself a choice. If she and Olivia really were going to work on building a friendship again, they couldn’t start it all on a mountain of secrets, even if they already sort of had. It was better late than later.
A knock sounded at the door and Alex breathed deeply, watching as it opened slowly before Olivia appeared.
“You wanted to see me?”
Alex nodded a little “Yeah…” She said, already starting to lose her nerve. “Yeah, come on in.” She motioned slightly to the couch. “Have a seat.”
Olivia shut the door and sat down on the couch. Alex bit her lip, gazing at her for a moment before sinking down beside her.
“Whatcha need?”
Alex swallowed hard. “Uhm…” She looked down at her lap, fiddling with her fingers. “There’s something I need to tell you.” She shut her eyes, sighing softly before opening them, lifting her gaze. She could already see the concern in Olivia’s eyes. A wave of guilt hit her, almost immediately followed by a wave of nausea and a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach. She breathed shakily, trying to push it back. Her gaze dropped back to her lap and she fidgeted slightly, no longer sure of her decision.
“Alex?” Olivia said after a moment. She leaned her head down a little, trying to catch the blonde’s gaze. “Is everything alright?”
Olivia sounded worried and that made the guilt hit that much harder, twisting inside her. Alex felt tears forming in her eyes and she cursed herself, blinking rapidly to push them back. The last thing she needed right now was Olivia’s sympathy. It’d make it that much worse when she dropped her bombshell. She lifted her gaze, searching brown eyes again.
“Olivia… I-I…” Alex tried to make the words form, but the more she willed them into existence, the harder they fought against her, begging to stay locked away for just a little bit longer. But Alex knew deep down that if she let herself get out of it this time, she’d just let herself keep pushing it back and back and back until Olivia somehow finally stumbled onto her secret on her own and the situation would become that much messier.
She took another deep breath and the words finally tumbled from her. “I have a daughter.”
Olivia stared at her, her expression unchanging and Alex knew she was probably struggling to process the information. She waited patiently, allowing Olivia to have her space and it was another long moment before she finally spoke up.
“A daughter?” She finally said.
“A daughter.” Alex replied quietly.
“What’s her name?”
“Hannah.”
Olivia nodded a little, looking away. She rubbed her hands together slightly before finally locking her gaze on Alex again, her expression set. “How old is she?”
Alex felt the weight of the words sinking down on her shoulders. This was it. “Three.”
Olivia fell silent again, just staring at her. Alex swallowed hard, shifting under the scrutiny. She tried to search Olivia’s eyes for some hint of what she was thinking but found that this was one of the rare occasions when she couldn’t interpret what she was seeing. She could tell that the wheels were turning in Olivia’s mind, but any emotions that came along with her thoughts were completely lost to the blonde. She felt her stomach flip-flopping, the nausea surfacing again.
“Please say something.” She finally begged, her voice wavering with the tears threatening to fall again.
“You knew.” Olivia said flatly.
“Wh-What?”
“When you came back for the trial… You knew you were pregnant.”
“I-I…” Alex shook her head. “N-No… Olivia, I had no idea. I swear I didn’t.”
“When did she turn three?” Olivia asked, an edge in her voice.
“August.”
“Damnit, Alex.” Olivia whispered, shaking her head. “You had to have known.”
“I swear I didn’t!” Alex wiped at her eyes, hating that she was already breaking. “I didn’t know until a month later!”
“Don’t lie to me. Don’t you dare lie to me.” Olivia rose from the couch. “You had to have known! You just didn’t have the guts to tell me!”
Alex felt small beneath Olivia’s accusations and she rose from the couch, trying to keep the balance between them, even as she wavered slightly, trying to get a grip on the emotions coursing through her, the panic bubbling beneath the surface.
“You have to believe me.” She begged, hating how desperate she sounded but knowing there was no use fighting it off. “I swear I didn’t know.”
“You didn’t know? But you made a point to tell me about that-what was he?-Oh, right… the claims adjustor.” The job title came out as a sneer.
“You asked if I was making any friends! I was trying to be honest with you! I didn’t want any secrets between us!”
“Why should I believe you, Alex? Give me one good reason. Why should I believe that you didn’t want secrets between us when it took you three years to come back to me?”
To come back to me. Alex caught the phrase, wondering if the detective had realized she’d said it. ‘Me’ not ‘the squad.’ She gazed at the other woman, wondering if she was reading more into it than she should, if Olivia had actually wanted her back in the way she was thinking or if she was only referring to the physical return, to Alex’s complete absence from her life.
She realized she’d let a silence fall and she swallowed hard. “Because,” she said, latching onto the tiny bit of hope still lingering inside her. “You have to believe in what we had.”
“Why should I?” Olivia hissed, her anger rising. “Why should I believe in it when you didn’t believe enough to come back to me?”
It hadn’t been a mistake.
Alex felt the tears sliding down her cheeks, no longer able to hold them back. “I was scared.”
Olivia shook her head. “Scared is three months, Alex, not three years.” She shook her head again and Alex knew the detective was still having a hard time processing everything. “I can’t do this. I can’t. I need to think.” She turned to leave.
Alex panicked. “Olivia… wait!” She moved towards her, stopping when Olivia held her hand up.
“No.” Olivia swallowed hard. “No… Just stop.” She gazed at her. “I don’t know what to believe anymore and until I do, I can’t talk to you. Not like this.”
Alex fell silent, knowing it was no use to try and fight her, that pushing her luck would only make matters worse right now. She swore she could see tears forming in Olivia’s eyes as they gazed at each other for another long moment, but the detective turned away and hurried out, the door shutting loudly behind her.
Alex stared at the door. She wanted to open it, wanted to chase after the detective and beg her to come back, to just listen to her. Instead, she felt her legs shaking and she sank heavily onto the couch, gaze still locked on the door.
Come back to me.
“I wanted to.” Alex whispered before finally breaking into sobs.