(no subject)
Title: Start of Something New
Fandom: SVU
Pairing: Alex/Olivia
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Don't own them.
A/N: This is a Hannah-verse fic. Alex and Olivia take the first real steps to mending their relationship.
A/N 2: As always, HUGE thanks to cherokee62 for her help with this entire series.
Alex shifted on her feet, confronted by that damn buzzer again. At least this time she was comforted with the knowledge that Olivia wanted her here, that she’d invited her over. She swallowed hard, extending her finger and pressing the button, waiting.
“Yeah?” Olivia’s voice finally said.
“It’s me.”
“Alright.”
The door buzzed and Alex entered, breathing in deeply as she strode across the lobby and headed up the stairs. She wondered how long it would take her to get used to this place. Olivia’s old apartment had started to feel like home to her and she’d held out the hope that Olivia had kept it. She couldn’t have her old home but she’d wanted so desperately to believe that she’d still have the comfort of Olivia’s. It had come to mean the same thing to her. But now she had to accept that fact that it was just another thing that time had changed for them and she wondered if she’d ever start feeling the same way about this place.
She stopped at the door, gazing at it for a moment before knocking softly. She’d had a key to Olivia’s old apartment too.
The door opened and Olivia smiled. Alex could tell it was tinged with a slight timidity and she was glad that at least she wasn’t the only one feeling a bit apprehensive. Their relationship had taken such a sharp turn so suddenly and while they both wanted so desperately for things to continue down the right path, it was hard to get into a mindset where they weren’t always imagining things going so terribly wrong again. Life had taught them way too many lessons for them to be completely at ease with it all.
Alex stepped in, biting her lip. “Hey.”
“Hi.” Olivia replied quietly, shutting the door behind her. “Dinner should be ready any minute.”
Alex nodded slightly. “It smells good.”
“Thanks.”
The detective never cooked often. Neither of them had. But when Olivia cooked, she was surprisingly good at it, something very few actually knew about her.
“Would you like a glass of wine?”
“Sure.”
Olivia nodded slightly and headed into the kitchen. Alex thought for a moment before following her. She stood awkwardly to the side, watching as Olivia moved about. She reached up to get the glasses and Alex took the opportunity to gaze over her figure. She found that despite everything going on, she still felt the strongest urge to pull Olivia into her arms, to just be allowed to be with her again and love her without reservations. But she also knew that it wouldn’t be good for either of them, that they had to take their time with this because no matter what kind of history they had together, this had to be approached as a new relationship.
She snapped to as Olivia turned around, wine glasses in hand and she accepted one quietly, taking a small sip from it.
They stood in silence for a bit, just sipping their wine, before Alex finally decided she couldn’t handle it anymore. If they were going to get anywhere, they actually had to start talking or they’d never accomplish anything. She picked around in her brain for something to discuss and finally just settled on the easiest thing she could think of.
“Work was crazy this week.”
Olivia breathed deeply. “That it was.”
Alex sighed. “Sorry. I was trying to think of something to talk about and that was all I could think of.”
Olivia chuckled softly. “Thinking about a stack of files on your desk?”
Alex smiled slightly. “As if you’re not?”
“Always at the back of my mind.”
“Same.” Alex took a sip of her wine, falling quiet again. Well, she’d tried.
It was Olivia who finally broke the silence this time. “How’s Hannah?”
Alex shrugged. “Good.” She bit her lip, realizing she should keep speaking if she wanted the conversation to progress. “I… uhm… got a call from her school the other day. Apparently a little boy tried to force Hannah to be a robber during Cops and Robbers at playtime. She didn’t take too kindly to it. She yelled at him and told him she’d never be a bad guy because I put bad guys away.” She smirked slightly. “Then she decided to take it a step further and call him a perp and tell him he should be locked away forever for being stupid.”
Olivia laughed. “Wonder where she learned that from.”
Alex chuckled softly. “I tried so hard to be mad at her but I think I’m more disappointed that I wasn’t there to see it.”
“Oh I would have paid good money to be right there with you.”
“You should see her angry some time. It doesn’t happen very often but…” Alex shook her head, breathing out a laugh. “She will argue with you until she runs out of breath and she is never ever wrong.”
Olivia raised an eyebrow. “Again, I wonder where she learned that from.”
Alex laughed. “She’s a Cabot through and through. God… I can’t even imagine her teen years.”
The buzzer on the stove went off at that moment and Olivia went to shut it off, getting a potholder and removing the dish from the oven. She bit her lip as she placed it on the stovetop.
“I… uhm… remembered how much you liked my turkey pot pie so…” She shrugged slightly, trailing off.
Alex smiled softly, feeling something inside her warm at the thought that Olivia had remembered something so minor from their relationship before and she was amazed at how much hope it gave her, knowing Olivia not only cared enough to remember, but had purposefully made the meal tonight of all nights, when things were still so rocky, so new between them. She was relieved that they didn’t have to start from scratch, that some of the most basic things could stay the same between them as reminders of the lives they’d had before, that they could build on it instead of run from it.
“I’ve missed it.” She said. “I’ve missed your cooking.”
Olivia gazed at her for a moment. “It’s not really anything special.” She said, shrugging again as she turned back to the pie and began divvying it up onto plates.
“Well… I’ve missed it just the same.” Alex said, wondering if she’d gotten her hopes up too soon.
Olivia stayed quiet as she turned back to Alex, handing her a plate. She glanced at her briefly before taking a seat at the table.
Alex bit her lip and sank down across from her.
“It’s… still kind of hot so…” Another shrug.
Alex nodded, tracing her finger idly over the rim of her wine glass, watching its progress around and around and around.
Olivia cleared her throat. “So… uhm… What else has Hannah been up to?” Blue eyes flicked up to lock on brown. “Besides trying to rid New York City of future juvenile delinquents.”
Alex smiled slightly and thought for a moment. “Well… they’ve been learning about the life cycle of butterflies. The class just got a caterpillar and they’ve been taking turns bringing it home over the weekends. Hannah absolutely loves it. When it was her turn, she got it out and let it crawl on her a bit.” She laughed at the memory. “It was cute… her little giggle when she said it tickled. She asked if she could get one for at home but I’m not a huge fan of having bugs as permanent residents in my home. A weekend was pushing it.”
“Aw.” Olivia laughed. “It’s just a caterpillar.”
“I have nothing against caterpillars. I just prefer they stay outside. Imagine if it had somehow gotten out and gotten lost in the house somewhere.”
“Unless it’s channeling Harry Houdini, I think you’d be okay.”
Alex glared playfully. “Hannah could accidentally leave the top open or drop it somewhere when she was holding it.”
Olivia chuckled. “I know, I know.” She glanced down at her plate. “I think it’s safe to eat now, by the way.”
Alex smiled. “Good. I’m starving.” She dug in, noticing Olivia was watching her nervously and she took a bite, humming in appreciation. “Just like I remembered.”
Olivia smiled, looking almost relieved, and dug in as well. “So since when are you so skittish around bugs?”
Alex laughed. “I’m not. I just prefer not to be aware of one roaming freely in my house… and I’d rather kill one on the spot than have to try and figure out how to catch it without killing it and return it to the cage. Creepy crawly things aren’t meant to be pets. Outside or untimely demise, they can take their pick.”
“And here I was thinking Hannah was ruthless.” Olivia laughed. “If she grows into those shoes, you may have to worry about her teen years after all.”
“Gee thanks.” Alex smirked.
“Hey, at least you know she’ll be on the right side of the law… hopefully.”
“She better be. If not… well she’ll be begging them not to let me bail her out of jail.”
“I have a funny feeling you’ll end up being her conscience when she gets older.”
“Oh God no.” Alex laughed. “Then she’ll never have any fun.”
“You can have fun without doing anything illegal.”
“Mm… but she should still make her own mistakes. I’d like to say I’d get mad at her for something like underage drinking but if that’s the worst thing she does, I’ll consider myself very lucky.”
Olivia smirked. “Considering her mother is Miss ‘I had a belly button ring for a week,’ I think you’re safe from any outrageous rebellious streaks.”
“Hey!” Alex pouted. “It got infected. I was fully intending on keeping it.” She smirked slightly. “Maybe.”
“Your mother would have killed you.”
“I think I would have done something illegal just to have somewhere to hide.” She shrugged. “And it wasn’t very professional anyway.”
Olivia raised an eyebrow. “Because they always make sure to inspect your stomach during a job interview.”
“Don’t question my logic. I was nineteen and when it got infected, I was convinced some higher power was telling me I’d been an idiot.”
“The god of piercings? Never heard of him.”
“He and I have kept in touch ever since. He promised if I sacrifice a couple of chickens, he’ll make sure Hannah never steps foot in a tattoo parlor.”
“That easy, huh?”
“Mmhmm.”
“And I thought your connections in the justice system were impressive.”
“What can I say? I have a knack for networking.”
“Apparently.”
“You’re just jealous because I’ve got mad skillz.”
Olivia blinked at her. “Don’t ever do that again.”
“Yeah… I was already regretting that one.” Alex smirked.
Olivia chuckled. “Good.”
“Please feel free to beat me over the head if I try to be one of those ‘cool’ moms.”
“If Hannah doesn’t do it first.”
Alex groaned. “I feel old.”
“I resent that.”
“Oh. Right.” Alex smirked.
Olivia smiled, relaxing slightly in her seat. “Wanna move to the living room?”
Alex nodded, enjoying how easy the conversation seemed to be flowing between them. It was always one of the things she’d loved about Olivia, that she could match her tit for tat. Even if they were arguing, a part of her always found it impressive that the detective kept up with her. Not many people ever could and the ones that did usually annoyed her because they were the Gina Bernardos and Trevor Langans of the world.
She waited for Olivia to finish rinsing her plate in the sink before she stepped up and rinsed off her own, handing it to Olivia to place in the dishwasher. The older woman poured more wine and they headed into the living room, sinking down on the couch.
Alex rested her elbow on the back of the couch, propping her head up on her hand.
“Dinner was wonderful. Thank you.” She said, smiling softly.
Olivia nodded slightly. Her finger tapped against the side of her wine glass and Alex gazed at her, realizing the detective had shrunk into herself slightly again. It might have been relatively easy to get her walls down, but she’d always had a knack for slipping them back up at a moment’s notice.
She waited, searching brown eyes, wondering just what was going through her mind, why the minute between getting up from the table and getting to the couch had somehow negated their entire dinner conversation.
And then Olivia spoke. “I can’t lose you again.”
Her voice was quiet but her eyes carried the entire weight of the single phrase. In that instant, something inside Alex clicked and she realized the barriers hadn’t gone up at all, that the days and the months and the years that they’d spent apart were still there, contained in that one simple sentence and the look that accompanied it. But somehow they seemed a little less daunting. She realized she’d known it all along, known from how hard Olivia had fought against her at first, how much work it had taken her to get the detective’s trust back. She’d been so afraid of losing her that it had made her terrified of taking her back at all. Alex had been too afraid to see it, too scared of her own feelings to realize that Olivia really was thinking the same things she was. And now, Olivia said it, without caution, facing the years between them head on and Alex finally allowed herself to accept their truth. They were in it together. They always had been.
She swallowed hard, realizing she hadn’t spoken and she knew Olivia needed to hear the words as much as she had.
“You won’t.” Alex reached out, taking her hand. “I promise that if it is within my power, you won’t. I don’t care where I go or what I do or what name I end up with, you’ll be right there with me.”
Olivia nodded slowly, her gaze dropping to her lap. “I wasn’t ready the first time.”
“I know.” Alex said quietly. “I’m not sure I was either. I barely understood what was happening to me.”
Olivia looked up again. “I wanted to be ready the second time.”
Alex swallowed hard. “There’s a reason I didn’t say goodbye.”
Olivia frowned slightly. “You didn’t want me to come with you?”
Alex sighed. “You had your career and your friends… The first time, we’d both been lost and confused. Everything had happened so quickly that there really wasn’t time to process what was happening, what it meant for us. The second time… Well, I can’t really say I’d gotten used to it because I never did, but I was more… resigned to it, I guess. And I’d already opened myself up to you so much again that a goodbye would have shattered me. Instead of trying, I just assumed the marshals wouldn’t allow you to come along and I decided to flee while I could because even if they had allowed you to, I wouldn’t have. It wasn’t your burden to bear.”
Olivia sighed softly. “Alex…” Her gaze dropped to their hands and she ran her thumb gently over the younger woman’s hand. She set her wine glass down and leaned back on the arm of the couch. “Come here.”
Alex bit her lip, setting her own glass on the table before sliding into the detective’s arms, laying her head against her shoulder. She felt Olivia’s arms tighten around her and she nestled into her, breathing in deeply.
“We have a lot of years to catch up on.” Olivia said quietly.
Alex nodded slightly.
“Tonight’s not the night for it.”
Alex tilted her head up to look at her. “We can’t keep avoiding it. Look where that got us last time.”
Olivia gazed at her. “I promise to tell you everything. And I’ll listen to everything you tell me. Some of it’s going to hurt and it’s going to be hard, but I don’t want any more secrets between us.”
Alex swallowed hard. “Me either. I promise to talk to you and listen to you too.”
“Good.”Olivia kissed her forehead.
Alex nestled into her again, sighing contentedly when she felt Olivia’s fingers running through her hair. She was actually relieved the deep conversations were over for the night. She needed the time to marvel at the fact that this really was still happening, that they’d confirmed the permanence of what they shared. It was so strange to her how differently she felt with Olivia now. While she’d certainly never taken the older woman for granted before, compared to now, she might as well have. With Olivia’s job, it was hard not to worry about losing her sometimes. It was one of those thoughts that never really left, but she’d always managed to convince herself that it wouldn’t happen to them. Then fate had played its cruel joke and it was like everything she’d ever thought about the world had been turned upside down. Loss took on a whole new meaning in a way she’d never prepared herself to cope with. It was two people mourning a death that only they understood, isolated from not only each other, but everyone around them because of some huge secret that belonged to them but was controlled by others. Physical deaths were mourned by many, emotional ones slipped by unseen.
She swallowed hard again, just concentrating on the rise and fall of Olivia’s chest with each of her breaths. There was still life in them yet. Time hadn’t completely beaten it out of them. She pressed a kiss to Olivia’s shoulder, feeling the detective’s arms tighten around her in response.
Fandom: SVU
Pairing: Alex/Olivia
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Don't own them.
A/N: This is a Hannah-verse fic. Alex and Olivia take the first real steps to mending their relationship.
A/N 2: As always, HUGE thanks to cherokee62 for her help with this entire series.
Alex shifted on her feet, confronted by that damn buzzer again. At least this time she was comforted with the knowledge that Olivia wanted her here, that she’d invited her over. She swallowed hard, extending her finger and pressing the button, waiting.
“Yeah?” Olivia’s voice finally said.
“It’s me.”
“Alright.”
The door buzzed and Alex entered, breathing in deeply as she strode across the lobby and headed up the stairs. She wondered how long it would take her to get used to this place. Olivia’s old apartment had started to feel like home to her and she’d held out the hope that Olivia had kept it. She couldn’t have her old home but she’d wanted so desperately to believe that she’d still have the comfort of Olivia’s. It had come to mean the same thing to her. But now she had to accept that fact that it was just another thing that time had changed for them and she wondered if she’d ever start feeling the same way about this place.
She stopped at the door, gazing at it for a moment before knocking softly. She’d had a key to Olivia’s old apartment too.
The door opened and Olivia smiled. Alex could tell it was tinged with a slight timidity and she was glad that at least she wasn’t the only one feeling a bit apprehensive. Their relationship had taken such a sharp turn so suddenly and while they both wanted so desperately for things to continue down the right path, it was hard to get into a mindset where they weren’t always imagining things going so terribly wrong again. Life had taught them way too many lessons for them to be completely at ease with it all.
Alex stepped in, biting her lip. “Hey.”
“Hi.” Olivia replied quietly, shutting the door behind her. “Dinner should be ready any minute.”
Alex nodded slightly. “It smells good.”
“Thanks.”
The detective never cooked often. Neither of them had. But when Olivia cooked, she was surprisingly good at it, something very few actually knew about her.
“Would you like a glass of wine?”
“Sure.”
Olivia nodded slightly and headed into the kitchen. Alex thought for a moment before following her. She stood awkwardly to the side, watching as Olivia moved about. She reached up to get the glasses and Alex took the opportunity to gaze over her figure. She found that despite everything going on, she still felt the strongest urge to pull Olivia into her arms, to just be allowed to be with her again and love her without reservations. But she also knew that it wouldn’t be good for either of them, that they had to take their time with this because no matter what kind of history they had together, this had to be approached as a new relationship.
She snapped to as Olivia turned around, wine glasses in hand and she accepted one quietly, taking a small sip from it.
They stood in silence for a bit, just sipping their wine, before Alex finally decided she couldn’t handle it anymore. If they were going to get anywhere, they actually had to start talking or they’d never accomplish anything. She picked around in her brain for something to discuss and finally just settled on the easiest thing she could think of.
“Work was crazy this week.”
Olivia breathed deeply. “That it was.”
Alex sighed. “Sorry. I was trying to think of something to talk about and that was all I could think of.”
Olivia chuckled softly. “Thinking about a stack of files on your desk?”
Alex smiled slightly. “As if you’re not?”
“Always at the back of my mind.”
“Same.” Alex took a sip of her wine, falling quiet again. Well, she’d tried.
It was Olivia who finally broke the silence this time. “How’s Hannah?”
Alex shrugged. “Good.” She bit her lip, realizing she should keep speaking if she wanted the conversation to progress. “I… uhm… got a call from her school the other day. Apparently a little boy tried to force Hannah to be a robber during Cops and Robbers at playtime. She didn’t take too kindly to it. She yelled at him and told him she’d never be a bad guy because I put bad guys away.” She smirked slightly. “Then she decided to take it a step further and call him a perp and tell him he should be locked away forever for being stupid.”
Olivia laughed. “Wonder where she learned that from.”
Alex chuckled softly. “I tried so hard to be mad at her but I think I’m more disappointed that I wasn’t there to see it.”
“Oh I would have paid good money to be right there with you.”
“You should see her angry some time. It doesn’t happen very often but…” Alex shook her head, breathing out a laugh. “She will argue with you until she runs out of breath and she is never ever wrong.”
Olivia raised an eyebrow. “Again, I wonder where she learned that from.”
Alex laughed. “She’s a Cabot through and through. God… I can’t even imagine her teen years.”
The buzzer on the stove went off at that moment and Olivia went to shut it off, getting a potholder and removing the dish from the oven. She bit her lip as she placed it on the stovetop.
“I… uhm… remembered how much you liked my turkey pot pie so…” She shrugged slightly, trailing off.
Alex smiled softly, feeling something inside her warm at the thought that Olivia had remembered something so minor from their relationship before and she was amazed at how much hope it gave her, knowing Olivia not only cared enough to remember, but had purposefully made the meal tonight of all nights, when things were still so rocky, so new between them. She was relieved that they didn’t have to start from scratch, that some of the most basic things could stay the same between them as reminders of the lives they’d had before, that they could build on it instead of run from it.
“I’ve missed it.” She said. “I’ve missed your cooking.”
Olivia gazed at her for a moment. “It’s not really anything special.” She said, shrugging again as she turned back to the pie and began divvying it up onto plates.
“Well… I’ve missed it just the same.” Alex said, wondering if she’d gotten her hopes up too soon.
Olivia stayed quiet as she turned back to Alex, handing her a plate. She glanced at her briefly before taking a seat at the table.
Alex bit her lip and sank down across from her.
“It’s… still kind of hot so…” Another shrug.
Alex nodded, tracing her finger idly over the rim of her wine glass, watching its progress around and around and around.
Olivia cleared her throat. “So… uhm… What else has Hannah been up to?” Blue eyes flicked up to lock on brown. “Besides trying to rid New York City of future juvenile delinquents.”
Alex smiled slightly and thought for a moment. “Well… they’ve been learning about the life cycle of butterflies. The class just got a caterpillar and they’ve been taking turns bringing it home over the weekends. Hannah absolutely loves it. When it was her turn, she got it out and let it crawl on her a bit.” She laughed at the memory. “It was cute… her little giggle when she said it tickled. She asked if she could get one for at home but I’m not a huge fan of having bugs as permanent residents in my home. A weekend was pushing it.”
“Aw.” Olivia laughed. “It’s just a caterpillar.”
“I have nothing against caterpillars. I just prefer they stay outside. Imagine if it had somehow gotten out and gotten lost in the house somewhere.”
“Unless it’s channeling Harry Houdini, I think you’d be okay.”
Alex glared playfully. “Hannah could accidentally leave the top open or drop it somewhere when she was holding it.”
Olivia chuckled. “I know, I know.” She glanced down at her plate. “I think it’s safe to eat now, by the way.”
Alex smiled. “Good. I’m starving.” She dug in, noticing Olivia was watching her nervously and she took a bite, humming in appreciation. “Just like I remembered.”
Olivia smiled, looking almost relieved, and dug in as well. “So since when are you so skittish around bugs?”
Alex laughed. “I’m not. I just prefer not to be aware of one roaming freely in my house… and I’d rather kill one on the spot than have to try and figure out how to catch it without killing it and return it to the cage. Creepy crawly things aren’t meant to be pets. Outside or untimely demise, they can take their pick.”
“And here I was thinking Hannah was ruthless.” Olivia laughed. “If she grows into those shoes, you may have to worry about her teen years after all.”
“Gee thanks.” Alex smirked.
“Hey, at least you know she’ll be on the right side of the law… hopefully.”
“She better be. If not… well she’ll be begging them not to let me bail her out of jail.”
“I have a funny feeling you’ll end up being her conscience when she gets older.”
“Oh God no.” Alex laughed. “Then she’ll never have any fun.”
“You can have fun without doing anything illegal.”
“Mm… but she should still make her own mistakes. I’d like to say I’d get mad at her for something like underage drinking but if that’s the worst thing she does, I’ll consider myself very lucky.”
Olivia smirked. “Considering her mother is Miss ‘I had a belly button ring for a week,’ I think you’re safe from any outrageous rebellious streaks.”
“Hey!” Alex pouted. “It got infected. I was fully intending on keeping it.” She smirked slightly. “Maybe.”
“Your mother would have killed you.”
“I think I would have done something illegal just to have somewhere to hide.” She shrugged. “And it wasn’t very professional anyway.”
Olivia raised an eyebrow. “Because they always make sure to inspect your stomach during a job interview.”
“Don’t question my logic. I was nineteen and when it got infected, I was convinced some higher power was telling me I’d been an idiot.”
“The god of piercings? Never heard of him.”
“He and I have kept in touch ever since. He promised if I sacrifice a couple of chickens, he’ll make sure Hannah never steps foot in a tattoo parlor.”
“That easy, huh?”
“Mmhmm.”
“And I thought your connections in the justice system were impressive.”
“What can I say? I have a knack for networking.”
“Apparently.”
“You’re just jealous because I’ve got mad skillz.”
Olivia blinked at her. “Don’t ever do that again.”
“Yeah… I was already regretting that one.” Alex smirked.
Olivia chuckled. “Good.”
“Please feel free to beat me over the head if I try to be one of those ‘cool’ moms.”
“If Hannah doesn’t do it first.”
Alex groaned. “I feel old.”
“I resent that.”
“Oh. Right.” Alex smirked.
Olivia smiled, relaxing slightly in her seat. “Wanna move to the living room?”
Alex nodded, enjoying how easy the conversation seemed to be flowing between them. It was always one of the things she’d loved about Olivia, that she could match her tit for tat. Even if they were arguing, a part of her always found it impressive that the detective kept up with her. Not many people ever could and the ones that did usually annoyed her because they were the Gina Bernardos and Trevor Langans of the world.
She waited for Olivia to finish rinsing her plate in the sink before she stepped up and rinsed off her own, handing it to Olivia to place in the dishwasher. The older woman poured more wine and they headed into the living room, sinking down on the couch.
Alex rested her elbow on the back of the couch, propping her head up on her hand.
“Dinner was wonderful. Thank you.” She said, smiling softly.
Olivia nodded slightly. Her finger tapped against the side of her wine glass and Alex gazed at her, realizing the detective had shrunk into herself slightly again. It might have been relatively easy to get her walls down, but she’d always had a knack for slipping them back up at a moment’s notice.
She waited, searching brown eyes, wondering just what was going through her mind, why the minute between getting up from the table and getting to the couch had somehow negated their entire dinner conversation.
And then Olivia spoke. “I can’t lose you again.”
Her voice was quiet but her eyes carried the entire weight of the single phrase. In that instant, something inside Alex clicked and she realized the barriers hadn’t gone up at all, that the days and the months and the years that they’d spent apart were still there, contained in that one simple sentence and the look that accompanied it. But somehow they seemed a little less daunting. She realized she’d known it all along, known from how hard Olivia had fought against her at first, how much work it had taken her to get the detective’s trust back. She’d been so afraid of losing her that it had made her terrified of taking her back at all. Alex had been too afraid to see it, too scared of her own feelings to realize that Olivia really was thinking the same things she was. And now, Olivia said it, without caution, facing the years between them head on and Alex finally allowed herself to accept their truth. They were in it together. They always had been.
She swallowed hard, realizing she hadn’t spoken and she knew Olivia needed to hear the words as much as she had.
“You won’t.” Alex reached out, taking her hand. “I promise that if it is within my power, you won’t. I don’t care where I go or what I do or what name I end up with, you’ll be right there with me.”
Olivia nodded slowly, her gaze dropping to her lap. “I wasn’t ready the first time.”
“I know.” Alex said quietly. “I’m not sure I was either. I barely understood what was happening to me.”
Olivia looked up again. “I wanted to be ready the second time.”
Alex swallowed hard. “There’s a reason I didn’t say goodbye.”
Olivia frowned slightly. “You didn’t want me to come with you?”
Alex sighed. “You had your career and your friends… The first time, we’d both been lost and confused. Everything had happened so quickly that there really wasn’t time to process what was happening, what it meant for us. The second time… Well, I can’t really say I’d gotten used to it because I never did, but I was more… resigned to it, I guess. And I’d already opened myself up to you so much again that a goodbye would have shattered me. Instead of trying, I just assumed the marshals wouldn’t allow you to come along and I decided to flee while I could because even if they had allowed you to, I wouldn’t have. It wasn’t your burden to bear.”
Olivia sighed softly. “Alex…” Her gaze dropped to their hands and she ran her thumb gently over the younger woman’s hand. She set her wine glass down and leaned back on the arm of the couch. “Come here.”
Alex bit her lip, setting her own glass on the table before sliding into the detective’s arms, laying her head against her shoulder. She felt Olivia’s arms tighten around her and she nestled into her, breathing in deeply.
“We have a lot of years to catch up on.” Olivia said quietly.
Alex nodded slightly.
“Tonight’s not the night for it.”
Alex tilted her head up to look at her. “We can’t keep avoiding it. Look where that got us last time.”
Olivia gazed at her. “I promise to tell you everything. And I’ll listen to everything you tell me. Some of it’s going to hurt and it’s going to be hard, but I don’t want any more secrets between us.”
Alex swallowed hard. “Me either. I promise to talk to you and listen to you too.”
“Good.”Olivia kissed her forehead.
Alex nestled into her again, sighing contentedly when she felt Olivia’s fingers running through her hair. She was actually relieved the deep conversations were over for the night. She needed the time to marvel at the fact that this really was still happening, that they’d confirmed the permanence of what they shared. It was so strange to her how differently she felt with Olivia now. While she’d certainly never taken the older woman for granted before, compared to now, she might as well have. With Olivia’s job, it was hard not to worry about losing her sometimes. It was one of those thoughts that never really left, but she’d always managed to convince herself that it wouldn’t happen to them. Then fate had played its cruel joke and it was like everything she’d ever thought about the world had been turned upside down. Loss took on a whole new meaning in a way she’d never prepared herself to cope with. It was two people mourning a death that only they understood, isolated from not only each other, but everyone around them because of some huge secret that belonged to them but was controlled by others. Physical deaths were mourned by many, emotional ones slipped by unseen.
She swallowed hard again, just concentrating on the rise and fall of Olivia’s chest with each of her breaths. There was still life in them yet. Time hadn’t completely beaten it out of them. She pressed a kiss to Olivia’s shoulder, feeling the detective’s arms tighten around her in response.