Loneliness
Psalm 142
A maskil of David. When he was in the cave. A prayer.
2 I pour out my complaint before him;
before him I tell my trouble.
3 When my spirit grows faint within me,
it is you who know my way.
In the path where I walk
men have hidden a snare for me.
4 Look to my right and see;
no one is concerned for me.
I have no refuge;
no one cares for my life.
5 I cry to you, O LORD;
I say, "You are my refuge,
my portion in the land of the living."
6 Listen to my cry,
for I am in desperate need;
rescue me from those who pursue me,
for they are too strong for me.
7 Set me free from my prison,
that I may praise your name.
Then the righteous will gather about me
because of your goodness to me.
1 I cry aloud to the LORD;
I lift up my voice to the LORD for mercy.
I went to church with my mother for the first time in a long time, and ironically the sermon was about being lonely and the feeling of complete loneliness, which is something I have been struggling with for what feels like forever now. For me, my loneliness is something which is hard for me to explain, as I know I have so many people in my life who love and care about me, yet for someone reason I feel so utterly alone at the moment. It doenst make sense, I know this.
I am sure a lot of it stems from the fact there just seems to be so much discord in my life, which again seems crazy as I have sooo much going for me at the same time. I think its just a matter of how our perspectives of life can be so different from how they actually are. I am sure a lot of the problem is just that I saw life being so different for me than it is has turned out to be. I never saw myself moving back in with my family, which I saw as a sign of failure for a while because I was unable to support myself, now I am learning that it might be the best thing for me because it gives me the opportunity to focus my attention to getting through graduate school so that I ultimately will be able to support myself in the long run.
Relationships also seem to be something that I am struggling with at the moment, which I am sure playing into the loneliness as there is honestly nothing more in the world that I want than to have a meaningful emotional/physical connection with someone. Again this seems kinda silly as I have amazing relationships with my friends and family...I just want more. I am slowly learning that I want more than Ive ever wanted in my life before. It scares me...yet the reality of it makes me realize just how lonely I am. I'm not sure what to do about all this and all these new feelings either, especially in regards to the relationship that could be more. I just dont know what to do about that entirely. I want more...and I think now that I have figured that out, I think the thoughts of the other person may have changed, and of course this is a problem because I dont know how to talk about these things in the first place, not that our lack of talking helps this situation any.
At least Ive finally managed to stop the tears that just kept flowing earlier today...perhaps that emotional release was what i needed and will help me to move on and figure out how to get past all these feelings of loneliness. Its something I am struggling with and will make more of an active effort to get through.