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[smilehostage]

ANON POST

taken from immortal_lights

I want anybody and everybody who comes across this
to leave me an anonymous comment. It can be anything you want.
A story. A secret. A confession. A fear. A love. ANYTHING.
Just post anonymously and honestly.

Comments

[anonymous]

I absolutely hate my life right now. I don't want to get up in the mornings. I don't want to do anything. I hate it.

[smilehostage]

you sound like me, like, a month, two months ago. is it anything in particular, or just everything weighing you down?

[anonymous]

I got it together for more than a year; I was fucking fine. And now everything is crashing down around me, and I find that I'm the same scared girl I've always been.

I'm still paranoid that everyone (both online and off) hates me, and talks to me just to humor me; I'm on the verge of dumping yet another group of friends, and on the verge of falling back into an old, dangerous habit.

When do I actually get to be okay?

[smilehostage]

wish i knew the answers, bb. change, real, genuine change, it always takes more time than you want it to.

if you are on my flist, you are there because i want you there. period. this is one girl who isn't faking it. if you need me, i am always here. i am never too busy to talk to someone who needs it.

♥

[anonymous]

I did change, though, and for a long time. All it took was one (admittedly large) roadblock to undo so much of that positive change.

I wish I could say that I'll take you up on that offer, but I know myself better than that. I keep the mess inside my head. Thank you, though. The thought really does count.

[smilehostage]

hey, think about it. if you could change back to a way you don't like, you can also change back to a way you like. we're human, we're fluid, always changing. don't get so down on yourself because of one setback.

alright, i'll take your word for it. but do know that i always, always have time for someone who needs it. ♥

[anonymous]

I'm afraid I'm going to end up old alone and bitter, after working my whole life in a series of jobs I hate. Always being too afraid to go after the things that will make me truly happy, in favor of the things that will keep me fed, clothed and in other basic necessities. I'm afraid that I will never find the Patrick to my Pete somebody who understands all the crazy shit in my brain, somebody who gets that, yeah, I had a good childhood, yeah, my parents are still happily married, and we never wanted for anything, not really, but I still have dealt with depression my whole life. I have still tried to kill myself before.

I'm afraid not living, but I'm afraid to live.

[smilehostage]

me too, honestly. i say i want those big things, but in the back of my mind, there's this little voice going 'are you ever gonna have the courage to go for it?' and i hope i will. i'm working on it.

and i understand you with that. you don't need major trauma to end up fucked up. sometimes it's just brain chemistry. that doesn't make it any less valid.

you and me both, bb. you and me both. ♥

[anonymous]

depression does run in families, I don't care what they say.

♥

[smilehostage]

oh god, i agree so hard! i never had a rough childhood, really, but here i am, struggling through depression. just like my mom and my dad and my grandpa. genetics has GOTTA have a factor there.

♥

[anonymous]

I say my life is great, but it's not. Recently I've just been feeling depressed. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

I've considered cutting, or pursuing some other form of self-mutilation. I don't know why I want to hurt myself. Maybe for sympathy. Maybe for that rush. I don't know.

Pain actually feels good now, sometimes, but I just want to be happy.

[smilehostage]

there's no need to fake it, ever. i've been learning that lately, and i really believe it. there's no need to smile and make like it's all alright. if you're hurting, your friends will want to help you. me included.

i'm not judging, but i really hope you don't take that route. it's a dangerous way to go, more a temporary fix than anything.

when you're low, staying low feels safe. because there's nowhere further to go. but it's worth it, taking steps towards your happiness.

what's making you unhappy? what can you (or the people who love you) do to improve it?

[anonymous]

I know but it's so much easier just to pretend everything is alright. You know? I feel like if I act how I feel then I'll just push people away.

No it's alright. You can judge. I've judged people who cut. I understand them a little more now. i think maybe I just want to be special and have something special wrong with me so that people feel bad for me.

I don't know. My relationship is making me unhappy. not because i don't love who I'm with, but for other reasons. My home life is making me unhappy. I don't know what else is making me unhappy.

Thank you for listening. Nobody ever does.

[smilehostage]

i know. like i said, i've been there. i lied to my two best friends in the whole world for over a year so that they wouldn't worry. and when i finally told them? they were nothing but supportive. you gotta give us a chance, you know. if you 'push people away'? they weren't worth having around in the first place.

i know that feeling.

there's gotta be something you can do to sort things out, and i've found that just fessing up about unhappy you are? that can help things immeasureably. but that's just my personal experience.

not a problem, my dear. ♥ if you ever need it again, just ask.

[anonymous]

i don't want a soulmate. i don't want a boyfriend. i don't want a best friend, or even a good friend. i don't expect to find those anymore. all i want is someone to talk to. i tell myself "i am not afraid to walk this world alone" every day, over and over. but i am. i'm so, so afraid.

[smilehostage]

so am i. it's scarier than people let on.

talk to me, if you want. i'm always down for talking. it doesn't have to be meaningful, i can chatter shallowly at you if you just need a distraction.

♥

[anonymous]

it is. ♥ thank you, seriously. i just...i have such a problem talking to people i don't know really well, even just meaningless chatter about music or something. even online! and i don't want to impose on people or seem needy for attention or something. all my problems stem from being insecure, really. haha.

[smilehostage]

oh, m2, m2! i'm just a little better at squashing that voice. it's still there. i still worry about bothering people. still worry about imposing, all that. but i guess i'm just selfish enough to keep talking? ahahaha

either way, i'm still down for it. musical chatter at me all night long. i could wax melodic about Nate's jawline, ffs, i can do meaningless and i've had long discussions about sex and love and everything. i like talking. pm me your aim or add me on msn, or even drop me an email. :)

no need to thank me. like i said, i like talking. haha

♥