One Final Song
Yoochun/Changmin
Angst
PG-13
1,634 words.
It's always hard writing a song for the person you love, especially when you're trying to say goodbye.
It’s always hard writing a song for the person you love.
He knows that better than anyone; every time he tries, it always takes everything he has to make the song the best it could be.
It’s no different this time. The only thing that could be different is that this time, it was going to be the last, final song he would ever write for Changmin.
-----
It’s always hard writing a song for the person you love, especially when you’re trying to say goodbye.
The melody has been running through his head for days now, but he’s only starting to try to find the notes now. The song reminds him of separation, of tears, of heartbreak, everything that he shouldn’t be feeling now when all the things he’s been dreaming of are coming true. But he can’t stop himself; it’s always been his inner nature to find the pessimistic side of life.
He found out about his illness weeks ago-it’s terminal, something that he hadn’t bothered to learn the name of from the moment he had heard his doctor say the words “You should prepare for the worst, Yoochun-shii.”
The only things he had been thinking about were about Dong Bang Shin Ki (would they continue on without him?), his parents, his brother, and most importantly, Changmin. How was he going to explain this to them? He had chosen not to explain. He would suffer in silence, leaving behind a note for everyone he cared about when the time came. To Changmin, though, he would leave something else, something that would hold his everything.
-----
He lightly presses a key on the piano, searching for the right notes. He lets the sound resonate in his mind, trying to find the right match for the symphony of notes in his head.
Frowning slightly, he shakes his head, frustrated. The notes still aren’t coming out right. He stares down onto his paper, seeing the small amount of space that has been filled by his scrawls.
“Hyung?” Changmin’s quiet voice breaks through his thoughts.
Quickly hiding his work, he turns around with a smile. “Yes?”
“Jaejoong-hyung finished making dinner and is now telling us to come out and eat,” Changmin says, a small curve playing with his lips.
He laughs and stands up, going to Changmin and lightly entangles his fingers with Changmin’s. He quickly glances back at his sheets; he mentally shakes his head, leaving it for later.
-----
A soft knock interrupts him as he’s filling in another chord. “Come in,” he calls. There’s no reason for him to hide his composition; everyone but Changmin knocks.
“What are you doing in here, Yoochun-ah?” he hears Yunho ask. “You’ve been cooped up in this room every time you have free time.”
He wordlessly shows Yunho his paper, trusting him not to say anything when he sees the “For Changmin, with all my love” on the top of the sheet.
“I see,” Yunho quietly says as he hands it back. “Mind playing some of it for me?”
He softly smiles and turns to the piano, closing his eyes as he begins to play. He thinks of Changmin, of the wavy, unruly hair he enjoys running his fingers through, of the adorable mismatched eyes he loves, of the quick, cheerful grin Changmin so seldom shows, of everything that makes up Changmin for him.
The song abruptly stops, unfinished. He hears the slight catch in Yunho’s voice as he whispers, “Yoochun… wow. It’s beautiful.”
-----
He grows thinner as he’s starting to finish the song. Jaejoong finally comes in, concerned about him.
“…worried about you, Yoochun,” he hears, mind still enraptured in his work.
“What?” he asks, finally noticing that Jaejoong’s talking to him.
He sees Jaejoong’s eyebrows draw together. “It’s you, Yoochun-ah. You’ve been getting skinnier and skinnier; I really don’t think it’s healthy.”
He smiles wearily. It’s ironic that they think that him getting skinnier isn’t healthy; it’s actually the disease inside him, eating away at him slowly.
“I know,” he says. “I’ll be more careful from now on.” His heart tightens at the fact that he can’t, he can’t control the illness no matter he might wish he could.
“Here, listen to this,” he says to Jaejoong. His fingers quickly find the keys, playing the notes with ease. The melody morphs into something bittersweet, something that holds all the love he has inside him, yet at the same time, holds all the regret he has that he can’t tell to anyone.
He finds the notes he still hasn’t found; his fingers move automatically to them, and the song fades away, ending with a simple chord.
He’s afraid of looking at Jaejoong. The most stoic of them all, Jaejoong usually hides his emotions away, refusing to let others see what he’s feeling. But he quickly glances at Jaejoong, and he’s stunned; Jaejoong’s eyes look suspiciously red and teary, and his hands are clenched at his side.
“Since when were you able to compose like that?” Jaejoong asks hoarsely.
He lets a small grin onto his lips. “Since a few weeks ago,” he replies simply.
-----
Lyrics come easier when all the notes have been found; he’s writing the last phrase when a brisk tap on his door alerts him to Junsu. He finishes the composition before looking at Junsu.
“…So,” Junsu states, his hands on his hips.
“Yes?” he asks, amused.
“I’m not here to bother you about your weight like Jaejoong-hyung even though you’re practically a skeleton; I’m here because I want to hear that song you’ve been composing. How come I’m the only one who hasn’t heard it yet?” Junsu accuses.
He feels his eyes crinkle up; Junsu has always been the one most able to make him laugh. “Well,” he coughs, “sorry about that. But since I just finished it, you’ll be the first one to listen to the entire song.” He grins. “How do you feel about that?”
“That’s more like it,” Junsu says with satisfaction. He plops down onto the floor and flaps his hand, motioning for him to begin.
He allows himself one more smile before taking a deep breath. The song is going to take a lot out of him; he could just feel it. He gently places his fingers on the opening keys, steadying himself, and he starts, notes coming out effortlessly. His voice smoothly enters, and he sings the words he’s memorized over the course of weeks.
He could feel tears threatening to slide from beneath his eyelids, but he refuses to let his voice waver, knowing that if it does, everything will fall apart. He ends with a tender whisper, “I love you.”
He looks over at Junsu, wondering what he thinks of his song. He’s surprised to see Junsu’s head in his hands, shoulders heaving.
“Was it really that bad?” he asks uncertainly.
“No,” Junsu sighs. “It was really, really, amazingly gorgeous. So gorgeous it made me cry.” Junsu raises his head and wipes away his tears, giving him a smile.
“Good job,” Junsu says simply.
He lets relief wash over him, unknowingly nervous about the reception of his work.
“Thank you.”
-----
“Changmin,” he says, walking into Changmin’s room.
Changmin looks up from his book and gives him a small smile. He notices the concerned gaze Changmin’s eyes hold as Changmin’s patting the place on the bed next to him.
He eases his weight onto the mattress, trying to find the right words to say.
“What’s wrong?” Changmin’s always the one who could sense if something was wrong with him, and like always, chose to ask.
He breaths in deeply, unsure if he should simply show him. He suddenly takes his hand and runs his fingers through Changmin’s hair.
Changmin looks questioningly at him, putting down his book onto the table next to the bed.
He surprises Changmin as he leans in for a kiss; he feels Changmin’s small chuckle as he begins to kiss back.
He kisses harder, refusing to let Changmin come up for air. He’s fueled by desperation, desperate that he should have this one last thing before leaving.
His hands slowly slide up Changmin’s shirt, trailing on muscles that have developed over the years before finally taking Changmin’s shirt off. He starts to kiss down Changmin’s throat, nipping here, licking there, as he’s easing Changmin’s pants off.
But before going any further, he looks at Changmin, silently asking if this is all right. Changmin smiles, eyes confused yet accepting of anything that he does to him.
He gives Changmin another soft kiss before continuing, knowing this will be the last thing Changmin will remember of him.
-----
He gets up unwillingly from the warmth of Changmin’s bed, not wanting to leave. But he gets up anyways, going over to his clothes to fish in his pocket for the CD that contains his song. He had sneaked into the studio late one night and recorded it, putting all his emotion, his feelings, his thoughts into the song.
He places the CD onto Changmin’s alarm clock with the note, “For you. From Yoochun” knowing that Changmin would listen to it. He dresses quickly, afraid that he would miss his flight, but before he leaves, he approaches Changmin as he’s sleeping quietly, looking at every single detail of Changmin’s face.
Tears drop silently as he’s stroking Changmin’s cheekbones, and he kisses him one, final time.
“I love you, Changmin,” he whispers into Changmin’s ear. “Never forget that. Don’t cry over me; I’m sure you’ll be able to find someone much, much better.”
He walks out the door, into the taxi waiting for him downstairs loaded with all his luggage, and takes his last look at the apartment that holds so much of his precious memories. He’ll never see it again.