Golden Globes Fashion 2017
Not the most stellar year for fashion: I could have included even more ugly/questionable gowns, and there were enough bad looks to group into a few different categories! Boobs On Parade
Kristen Bell in a gown whose main purpose appears to be to serve as a picture frame for her boobs.
On Mandy Moore, the large V-neck plunge is not flattering, nor is the thin belt at her waist that causes a slight bulge, nor is the sheer dull material.
Charissa Thompson in a cheesy gown that looks like it was on the rack at a used-clothing shop and had seen better days, with an uneven ruffle and no shape in the skirt.
Ordinarily I'd assume that long sleeves on a patterned gold gown were for modesty but the low-cut bodice on Priyanka Chopra would seem to indicate otherwise.
So many questions about Emily Ratajkowski and this satin horror: If you're going to have a jeweled central tie, why would you bisect it with a badly sewn-in thin belt? If your bust is not not symmetrical, why would you go for the plunge? And if you're going to provide an interesting jeweled top from the rear view, why would you not pay more attention to the badly sewn and fitted zipper? And why wouldn't you iron the whole thing, or at least instruct the wearer to be careful how she sat in the car on the way over? And if you know you're wearing a high slit, shouldn't you either (a) know not to yank one side up really high, or (b) wear more flattering undies?
Kristin Cavallari might have taken the plunge but at least in well-fitted and interesting bead work, nice support for the twins, and great hair and makeup.
Jessica Biel apparently came straight from her "Fabric Craft for Beginners" class, and was in such a hurry she forgot to complete the seam in her skirt.
Jessica Chastain is barely keeping the girls in check in a gown with nice beadwork but whose design is much too old (and too long) for her.
Lace Alone Does Not a Design Make
Kirsten Wiig in a lace tablecloth for which they apparently ran out of lining.
Michelle Williams in dowdy hanging lace and an apparent wish to remind herself to remember something by tying a thin black ribbon around her neck.
Seriously, Kerry Washington? A dark leotard under patterned sheer lace? Also a very awkward length, and heaven only knows what the weird jeweled dark patch on one side of the waist is meant to be: an award for "Most Immovable Capped Sleeve Epaulets"?
Pink Problems
If they had copied the material and detailing on the skirt in a flattering top, this might have worked on Felicity Jones but if you run out of material, the answer is not to grab material in a completely different fabric and shade of pink and draw on it with black marker, and then try to distract the eye with yet another shade of pink for an incongruous belt with a shiny metallic bow.
Zoe Saldana in excessively ruffled not-quite-congruent shades of pink with an even less congruent other-pink bow tie.
Claire Foy looks like she's wearing a low-budget gown for a high-school Cinderella play with random smears of malachite beads and a randomly-colored lilac ribbon belt, plus an unflattering fit.
Hope someone caught the slasher who sliced the waist and overly sculptured rose bodice on Carrie Underwood.
Needed Some Editing
I like the material and the varied star sizes on Emma Stone, and the fit is great (better seen from the side) but the color washes her out and her bustline is too small for this bodice design: it just drags down.
I like the overall idea on Blake Lively but if you're going to do pockets, you should commit, and not have ones that (a) barely fit your fingertips and (b) make your hips look bigger. (Hair looks like a Dippity-do commercial and I'm surprised she'd wear green bracelets to remind people that she appeared in the Green Lantern dud.)
I think I might have been okay with this lilac floating cloud on Hailee Steinfeld but the bizarre sleeves/gloves lost a lot of points.
Points to Naomi Campbell for originality but this looks to me like one of those optical tests where you're supposed to stare and then see some another pattern within it.
Looks like they were draping this material on Anna Chlumsky to confirm it was a great color for her but then forgot to take out the pins and actually sew the dress.
Flattering design and nice drape on Gwendoline Christie but I cannot think of a color that would have been less flattering.
Interesting use of stripes and arrows to create a thinner waist illusion on Lady of a Certain Age Annette Bening but I wish they'd done something more interesting and flattering at the neck, and perhaps capped the sleeves at the elbow horizontal stripes.
On another figure this might have worked but I thought it made Drew Barrymore look shapeless.
Lovely color and material on Isabelle Huppert until you get to the pointless sheerer midriff and the shapeless waist.
No Hope
A pregnant Natalie Portman apparently let her five-year-old son design her dress by putting glitter on some material in his kindergarten class. (Possibly a nod to her portrayal of Jackie Kennedy but there's a reason that 60s-era A-line tent dresses have not made a comeback...)
Apparently the designer for Olivia Culpo couldn't decide on which floral design to use so they used one busy pattern in the too-large drowning skirt and a completely different pattern in the weirdly high-waist and busty bandolier top. From the side, looks like she's also trying to bring back the bustle!
Lily Collins looks like an entry for a contest for who can create the busiest look and crowd the most unflattering embroidery/applique on one skirt. (No better from the back, and unclear why she's wearing red lipstick with a pink gown.)
A close second in the same contest was the designer for Trace Lysette.
This year, at least Jill Soloway put a jacket over her pajamas.
Riley Keough in an unflattering illustration of the Pythagorean theorum.
The sleeves on Nicole Kidman are so embarrassed at their poor design that they're trying to escape down her arm, and the bottom of her dress is melting, melting...
W.T.F., Sarah Jessica Parker?!?!?!??!? The hair, makeup, and dress all combine look like some sort of weird Dresden bride figurine, and the excess material in the skirt could have made an entire other dress. Disappointed in you and even more disappointed that this is from one of my favorite designers, Vera Wang.
Janelle Monae in a black-and-white floofy toadstool. (No better from the back or side, albeit great shoes.)
Keri Russell does a ruffle-laden Sheena of the Jungle look, complete with elbow-length cape.
Most Unflattering of the Night: Liz Hernandez in bondage that flattens her small bustline, has bulges at the unnecessary bodice cut-outs, looks like she's wearing a girdle at her tummy, and has an X at her knees that makes you think she's going to trip at any minute.
Worst of the Night: Sophie Turner in a bizarre mishmash of external shoulder pads, sheer sleeves, white satin bodice inserts with a belt that just hangs there, and some sort of mesh loin-clothy thing.
Stellar
Great color and fit on Viola Davis.
Gal Gadot in flattering dress-up maternity fashion. (Better view of the bulge.)
Reese Witherspoon might have gone safe but the overall look is classy and yay for the necklace.
Not a lot of women can wear stripes but Julia Louis-Dreyfuss makes it work. (Great shoes, too.)
Not sure I'd like it for the Oscars but I thought this upscale jumpsuit on Felicity Huffman was fun and flattering. (She said she wore it as an homage to Hillary.)
Nobody does sexy bling better than Sofia Vergara with intricate beadwork and great earrings.
Naomie Harris in shimmering, well-fitted gold-and-crystal bling.
This embroidered and gold encrusted outfit with a sheer peplum on Chrissy Teigen should be too busy but somehow it works for me. (Love the earrings.)
I like the waterfall bling on Gina Rodriguez for a fuller figure.
And speaking of fuller figures, Chrissy Metz is possibly the largest woman I've seen on a red carpet and I thought this dress did a good job of glamorizing her, plus beautiful hair and makeup.
Evan Rachel Wood puttin' on the Ritz in this flawless tux number. (She said although she likes dresses and has worn them to other red carpet events, she wanted to convey the message to women and girls that you don't have to wear dresses to dress up.)
On a night where she was being given the Cecil B DeMille Lifetime Achievement Award (and gave a blistering anti-Trump speech instead of talking about her career), Meryl Streep looked terrific in a nicely fitted black gown with interesting color mosaic accents that sparkled in the light.
Runner-up for Best of the Night: Gorgeous sparkling floral embroidery on Giuliana Rancic in colors that work with her tan and with an unusual high neck for a change, and a belt that actually matches and works with the dress.
Best of the Night: Brie Larson in well-fitted stunning red with an interesting jewel-accented bodice and great hair and makeup. (Wish she'd included a ruby necklace, though...)
Kristen Bell in a gown whose main purpose appears to be to serve as a picture frame for her boobs.
On Mandy Moore, the large V-neck plunge is not flattering, nor is the thin belt at her waist that causes a slight bulge, nor is the sheer dull material.
Charissa Thompson in a cheesy gown that looks like it was on the rack at a used-clothing shop and had seen better days, with an uneven ruffle and no shape in the skirt.
Ordinarily I'd assume that long sleeves on a patterned gold gown were for modesty but the low-cut bodice on Priyanka Chopra would seem to indicate otherwise.
So many questions about Emily Ratajkowski and this satin horror: If you're going to have a jeweled central tie, why would you bisect it with a badly sewn-in thin belt? If your bust is not not symmetrical, why would you go for the plunge? And if you're going to provide an interesting jeweled top from the rear view, why would you not pay more attention to the badly sewn and fitted zipper? And why wouldn't you iron the whole thing, or at least instruct the wearer to be careful how she sat in the car on the way over? And if you know you're wearing a high slit, shouldn't you either (a) know not to yank one side up really high, or (b) wear more flattering undies?
Kristin Cavallari might have taken the plunge but at least in well-fitted and interesting bead work, nice support for the twins, and great hair and makeup.
Jessica Biel apparently came straight from her "Fabric Craft for Beginners" class, and was in such a hurry she forgot to complete the seam in her skirt.
Jessica Chastain is barely keeping the girls in check in a gown with nice beadwork but whose design is much too old (and too long) for her.
Lace Alone Does Not a Design Make
Kirsten Wiig in a lace tablecloth for which they apparently ran out of lining.
Michelle Williams in dowdy hanging lace and an apparent wish to remind herself to remember something by tying a thin black ribbon around her neck.
Seriously, Kerry Washington? A dark leotard under patterned sheer lace? Also a very awkward length, and heaven only knows what the weird jeweled dark patch on one side of the waist is meant to be: an award for "Most Immovable Capped Sleeve Epaulets"?
Pink Problems
If they had copied the material and detailing on the skirt in a flattering top, this might have worked on Felicity Jones but if you run out of material, the answer is not to grab material in a completely different fabric and shade of pink and draw on it with black marker, and then try to distract the eye with yet another shade of pink for an incongruous belt with a shiny metallic bow.
Zoe Saldana in excessively ruffled not-quite-congruent shades of pink with an even less congruent other-pink bow tie.
Claire Foy looks like she's wearing a low-budget gown for a high-school Cinderella play with random smears of malachite beads and a randomly-colored lilac ribbon belt, plus an unflattering fit.
Hope someone caught the slasher who sliced the waist and overly sculptured rose bodice on Carrie Underwood.
Needed Some Editing
I like the material and the varied star sizes on Emma Stone, and the fit is great (better seen from the side) but the color washes her out and her bustline is too small for this bodice design: it just drags down.
I like the overall idea on Blake Lively but if you're going to do pockets, you should commit, and not have ones that (a) barely fit your fingertips and (b) make your hips look bigger. (Hair looks like a Dippity-do commercial and I'm surprised she'd wear green bracelets to remind people that she appeared in the Green Lantern dud.)
I think I might have been okay with this lilac floating cloud on Hailee Steinfeld but the bizarre sleeves/gloves lost a lot of points.
Points to Naomi Campbell for originality but this looks to me like one of those optical tests where you're supposed to stare and then see some another pattern within it.
Looks like they were draping this material on Anna Chlumsky to confirm it was a great color for her but then forgot to take out the pins and actually sew the dress.
Flattering design and nice drape on Gwendoline Christie but I cannot think of a color that would have been less flattering.
Interesting use of stripes and arrows to create a thinner waist illusion on Lady of a Certain Age Annette Bening but I wish they'd done something more interesting and flattering at the neck, and perhaps capped the sleeves at the elbow horizontal stripes.
On another figure this might have worked but I thought it made Drew Barrymore look shapeless.
Lovely color and material on Isabelle Huppert until you get to the pointless sheerer midriff and the shapeless waist.
No Hope
A pregnant Natalie Portman apparently let her five-year-old son design her dress by putting glitter on some material in his kindergarten class. (Possibly a nod to her portrayal of Jackie Kennedy but there's a reason that 60s-era A-line tent dresses have not made a comeback...)
Apparently the designer for Olivia Culpo couldn't decide on which floral design to use so they used one busy pattern in the too-large drowning skirt and a completely different pattern in the weirdly high-waist and busty bandolier top. From the side, looks like she's also trying to bring back the bustle!
Lily Collins looks like an entry for a contest for who can create the busiest look and crowd the most unflattering embroidery/applique on one skirt. (No better from the back, and unclear why she's wearing red lipstick with a pink gown.)
A close second in the same contest was the designer for Trace Lysette.
This year, at least Jill Soloway put a jacket over her pajamas.
Riley Keough in an unflattering illustration of the Pythagorean theorum.
The sleeves on Nicole Kidman are so embarrassed at their poor design that they're trying to escape down her arm, and the bottom of her dress is melting, melting...
W.T.F., Sarah Jessica Parker?!?!?!??!? The hair, makeup, and dress all combine look like some sort of weird Dresden bride figurine, and the excess material in the skirt could have made an entire other dress. Disappointed in you and even more disappointed that this is from one of my favorite designers, Vera Wang.
Janelle Monae in a black-and-white floofy toadstool. (No better from the back or side, albeit great shoes.)
Keri Russell does a ruffle-laden Sheena of the Jungle look, complete with elbow-length cape.
Most Unflattering of the Night: Liz Hernandez in bondage that flattens her small bustline, has bulges at the unnecessary bodice cut-outs, looks like she's wearing a girdle at her tummy, and has an X at her knees that makes you think she's going to trip at any minute.
Worst of the Night: Sophie Turner in a bizarre mishmash of external shoulder pads, sheer sleeves, white satin bodice inserts with a belt that just hangs there, and some sort of mesh loin-clothy thing.
Stellar
Great color and fit on Viola Davis.
Gal Gadot in flattering dress-up maternity fashion. (Better view of the bulge.)
Reese Witherspoon might have gone safe but the overall look is classy and yay for the necklace.
Not a lot of women can wear stripes but Julia Louis-Dreyfuss makes it work. (Great shoes, too.)
Not sure I'd like it for the Oscars but I thought this upscale jumpsuit on Felicity Huffman was fun and flattering. (She said she wore it as an homage to Hillary.)
Nobody does sexy bling better than Sofia Vergara with intricate beadwork and great earrings.
Naomie Harris in shimmering, well-fitted gold-and-crystal bling.
This embroidered and gold encrusted outfit with a sheer peplum on Chrissy Teigen should be too busy but somehow it works for me. (Love the earrings.)
I like the waterfall bling on Gina Rodriguez for a fuller figure.
And speaking of fuller figures, Chrissy Metz is possibly the largest woman I've seen on a red carpet and I thought this dress did a good job of glamorizing her, plus beautiful hair and makeup.
Evan Rachel Wood puttin' on the Ritz in this flawless tux number. (She said although she likes dresses and has worn them to other red carpet events, she wanted to convey the message to women and girls that you don't have to wear dresses to dress up.)
On a night where she was being given the Cecil B DeMille Lifetime Achievement Award (and gave a blistering anti-Trump speech instead of talking about her career), Meryl Streep looked terrific in a nicely fitted black gown with interesting color mosaic accents that sparkled in the light.
Runner-up for Best of the Night: Gorgeous sparkling floral embroidery on Giuliana Rancic in colors that work with her tan and with an unusual high neck for a change, and a belt that actually matches and works with the dress.
Best of the Night: Brie Larson in well-fitted stunning red with an interesting jewel-accented bodice and great hair and makeup. (Wish she'd included a ruby necklace, though...)
