Comments | smokexscribbles: The Poet

smokexscribbles

The Poet - Original Work

Oct 14, 2009 17:54

I wrote this for my Craft of Writing class. We had to write something taking place in a diner. It had to include a poet, mistletoe, a waltz, and obsession. LJ has just deleted this entry for the second time so this note is more terse than it otherwise would have been. PG for nonviolent, nondescriptive death. I'd appreciate comments/crit because I'm ( Read more... )

original fiction

Comments 10

thejabberwock October 15 2009, 00:46:26 UTC

Holy Cow - this is greatXD I mean, I love it, but then, I love humorous pieces like this... you have great command of the language in here - I don't see any wasted words/phrases. And the obsession/poet parallism is great. I've got no crit, sorry. The ONLY thing I can suggest is that Flo act a -bit- more creeped out/scared of the looney bin at the end, but eh. The explanation you give is well enough.

Felicity, my poor, brave, little dove, would promise herself the Baron officially. Either I'm more tired than I thought, or there's a word missing there...

mind I knew I should not have gone. To see me would only further break her heart, which was already as delicate as the top of crème brulee. OMG that's an amazing comparisonXD Followed by the best sentence possible.

smokexscribbles October 15 2009, 01:04:16 UTC

It's supposed to be promise herself TO the baron, of course. Thanks for pointing that out.

I didn't want to make Flo creeped out because there's kind of an implication that she's going to try to poison him. I'm not sure if that came across.

thejabberwock October 15 2009, 02:15:44 UTC

...oh! Well, I see that now. I thought you were just going for delightfully squeemish irony, but I like that a lot better. It's probably evident enough - again, reeeeally braindead right now~

(ps - dread pirate roberts = icon win for the finish)

smokexscribbles October 15 2009, 02:21:01 UTC

THE DREAD PIRATE ROBERTS NEVER TAKES PRISONERS

ari_raid October 15 2009, 04:18:54 UTC

-> Characters: He sounds like Sheldon, in the most endearing way possible. The names, though, Florence and Felicity are a little close and may confuse dumb readers. If this is not your intent and it wouldn't bother you to change one, I'd go for it ( ... )

smokexscribbles October 20 2009, 04:58:35 UTC

I totally responded to this when you left it, although my response was mostly GO TO BED at the time. Grr, LJ ( ... )

mushroom18 October 15 2009, 06:17:15 UTC

This was a great read! :) Though I would suggest you add more descriptions, or lengthen your sentences, to make the flow of the story run more smoothly. The ending was my favourite part!

smokexscribbles October 20 2009, 04:59:28 UTC

Thank you! Sorry for the response delay. And thanks for the crit, I really do need more description.

ldydragon7 October 15 2009, 13:31:00 UTC

I really enjoyed it. I though you worked all the prompts in there very well, and as others have mentioned the storytelling/labeling sections form works well with the story you're telling. What I really liked was all the food comparisons, the way you used food, as a prop, part of the plot and in your similes really tied everything together. (Plus it just amused me greatly)

I hope your teacher likes it.

smokexscribbles October 20 2009, 05:02:32 UTC

It sometimes irritates me that prompts of that kind get shoehorned in, or that people assume the story has to be random, or that the character has to be buying mistletoe when he suddenly starts waltzing because he's obsessive. More often than not it derails any story there might have been. I tried to avoid that whole shoehorning thing and mention relevant details early on (Christmas leading up to the mistletoe, etc) and I'm really glad it worked

The food made me sooo hungry.

I apologize for this comment being a million years late and slightly discombobulated.