Deviant Behavior by magickly and storydivagirl
Title: Deviant Behavior
By: storydivagirl & magickly
Featuring: Jensen Ackles, Jared Padalecki, Tom Welling, Michael Rosenbaum, Christian Kane, and Josh Jackson
Summary: A practical joke that leads to fandom wank...
Rated: R
Beta'd: This story was beta'd by iamtheenemy, the bestest beta in the world.
Deviant Behavior
There was a story behind the whole smutbox debacle - one that didn’t involve crazy fans (well, it sorta did - how does any great idea come to fruition without the fangirls?) or misunderstanding. And basically the story came down to Jared Padalecki, Jensen Ackles and a practical joke. Later it came to include Tom Welling, Christian Kane, and Josh Jackson, but really, nothing probably would’ve happened if Jared hadn’t been bored and Jensen didn’t enjoy reaping the rewards of Jared’s victorious moods.
Between takes on the set, Jensen and Jared usually hung out together. It wasn’t just some story they told the press. They enjoyed hanging out together whether it was shooting hoops, duking it out on the Xbox, or getting caught up in heated moments too complicated to explain.
It was usually after those moments, tangled up in each other’s arms, breathing heavy, chuckling at some joke only the two of them understood, that Jared came up with his most diabolical ideas. Jensen liked to credit himself for those moments of genius, as though his ability to make Jared come in his pants was what mattered most.
Jensen laid back on his futon and watched as Jared grabbed his shirt from the floor and pulled it over his head. Jared’s hand slapped Jensen on his thigh and he said, “Where’s your laptop?”
“What? No cuddling?”
Jared rolled his eyes. “If you really want, pookie, we can spoon for a bit.”
“Asshole.”
“Laptop?”
Jensen motioned to the small entertainment center before resting back on the futon once again. Leave it to him to get involved with a computer nerd. He shut his eyes and said, “Would you stop reading the Justin Timberlake fanfiction? It’s a bit disturbing.”
Jared hummed “Like I Love You” under his breath and typed away on the computer, garnering a look from Jensen. Jared shrugged and said, “Mention once that I liked his music and suddenly I’m a fan.”
“He sings pop music, dude.”
“So?”
“What’s next, you admit that you went to a Britney Spears concert for the music?”
Jared tossed a pillow and Jensen’s head and said, “Go to sleep.”
“But you look so darn cute when you’re aggravated with me,” Jensen replied. He propped himself up and his lips found their way to Jared’s shoulder and neck and throat, taking small nips at the skin.
Jared groaned, but pushed Jensen back down. He said, “All in good time. Right now I need to check something out.”
Jensen muttered something unintelligible under his breath - a quality that annoyed Jared beyond comprehension - and stared up at the ceiling. After a few seconds of icy silence, Jensen replied, without an ounce of anger, “I’ve decided I need some sort of after sex habit.”
“This is me ignoring you.”
“I’m serious, J. I mean, it’s times like this I think I should start smoking.”
“So you can get lung cancer and smell like a furnace?”
“I wouldn’t smell like a furnace.”
“And you’d taste disgusting and I kinda like the way you taste.”
“I have a taste?” Jensen asked, arching his eyebrow and grinning unabashedly.
Jared didn’t look away from the computer screen and said, “It’s a mix of Crest toothpaste and coffee.”
Jensen grimaced. “It sounds disgusting.”
Jared patted Jensen on the leg and said, “But it’s not. It’s you. And tobacco would totally fuck that up.”
“I don’t know. Smoking a cigarette after sex seems...it always looks hot in movies.”
“You and I both know things in the movies are hardly ever as hot as they look.”
“Says you,” Jensen replied. He groaned when Jared moved his hand from where it was resting on his leg up along his thigh and groin area. Jared used the fingers of his left hand to stroke Jensen’s stomach while he continued to type on the laptop with the other. Jensen felt his eyes roll back and he sighed contentedly. Now this was a much better use of their time. He took Jared’s hand in his, but instead of taking his rightful place on top of Jensen, Jared pulled Jensen up into a sitting position.
Jared grinned and said, “Time to get up.”
“But things were just getting interesting.”
“This will be interesting too. I promise.”
“Not as interesting, I’m sure.”
Jared winked at Jensen and replied, “Tommy called me earlier about this site we had to check out.”
Jensen punched Jared on the arm as he peered over his shoulder at the laptop. He said, “I’m going to pretend that a website Tom wants you to check out is not what’s keeping us from other things.”
“Tommy swears we have to see it.”
“You and Tommy are sexual deviants and I want no part of any websites that Tom frequents.”
“Says the man who went down on me between shots in the Impala where any member of the crew could’ve seen.”
“You asked nicely. And that’s not deviant behavior…that’s exhibitionism.”
“Whatever. It’s not that sort of site.”
“Then it’s definitely not going to hold my attention.”
“Tommy called this morning cackling about discovering this message board dedicated to Mike.”
“Uh-huh.”
“I know, not too out of the norm, but this board had a whole fucking forum dedicated to what Mike’s fans assume are his strange, sexual proclivities.”
Jensen’s mouth twisted into a wicked smile and he pulled the laptop from Jared’s hands. He asked, “Do you think it mentions me?”
“It better not.”
“Oh cupcake, it’s only been you for awhile now,” Jensen replied, pinching Jared’s cheek.
Jared slapped his hand away and grabbed the laptop back. He said, “We could have a whole lot of fun with this.”
“We could text message him our favorite entries throughout the day.”
Jared shook his head and said, “You’re thinking too small, man.”
“You’ve got that look in your eye.”
“Yeah, I do.”
“The one you get when you’re about to do something completely inappropriate, like the time you text messaged me with all the dirty things you planned to do to me in the middle of the Paley workshop.”
“You didn’t seem to mind when I delivered on those promises.”
“I’m just saying you’re a very bad boy, Jared.”
Jared patted Jensen’s hand and said, “I learned from the master.”
Jensen smiled and waved his hand, “Oh go on.”
Jensen watched as Jared bit back a moan as he ran his hand under the back of Jared’s shirt, moving his fingers over the muscles of Jared’s back and drawing circles into the skin. He purposefully concentrated on where the skin was already raw from kisses and scratches.
Jensen almost forgot about Jared’s evil plans for Mike and from the look on Jared’s face, Jensen knew Jared had forgotten too.
Jensen leaned closer to Jared, smiling into the curve of Jared’s neck and whispered, “I think this is a better way to kill some time.”
Jared cleared his throat and finally managed, “You need to stop.”
“But I’m the master.”
Jared pried free of Jensen’s grip and said, “Great, I’ve created a monster.” Jared moved a few inches over on the futon, more for his own sanity than anything else.
Jensen grinned. It wasn’t often that he could get the upperhand with Jared, who loved nothing more than to toy with Jensen between shots and during interviews and pretty much anywhere and everywhere. Jensen was going to enjoy this and he knew from past history that one perfected look would make Jared crazy. And Jensen liked crazy Jared. It got him pushed up against doors.
Jared cleared his throat again and said, “Don’t you want to pay Mike back for that gay bar incident?”
“Why did you have to bring that up?”
“To remind you that at our fingertips is the arsenal from which we can have a whole lot of fun at our friend’s expense,” Jared replied. He put the laptop down on the floor and raised his hands, “But if you’d rather fuck me, I’m not gonna stop you.”
Jensen picked up the laptop off the floor. Jensen knew Jared was attempting to hide his know-it-all grin - always claiming that Jensen was so predictable - and Jensen met Jared's gaze. Jensen shook his head and said, “Your screenname is starfucker69? Isn’t that a bit much? Is it even allowed?”
“It’s allowed because I substituted an asterisk for the ‘u’ and if you saw some of these posts, you’d be worried it wasn’t risqué enough.”
“It scares me how comfortable you are with message boards, dude.”
“Well, us youngin’s were brought up on the Internet, old man.”
Jensen watched Jared maneuver through a number of screens on the computer and begin typing a post. It was a bit worrisome to Jensen that his co-star was so skilled with things like this. Made him wonder about what Jared did in his personal time when they weren’t together. What if Jared kept one of those blogs where he wrote about things better left not written about? Christ, he hoped not.
Jensen decided not to think about it any longer. If Jared liked to troll around on message boards and read fansites, Jensen wouldn’t let it bother him. Jensen asked, “What’s taking so long? Are you typing the Unabomber’s manifesto?
"Give me another second..." Jared replied, typing away with an evil grin on his face. Jared's head shot up and he smirked. "Okay." He passed the laptop over to Jensen and said, "Read it, man. It's fucking genius."
Jensen read over the post and glanced at Jared, who was completely impressed with himself. Jensen swallowed back the laugh in his throat and said, “You’re fucking evil incarnate.” Jared didn’t deny the accusation, but Jensen felt he had to defend his comment, reading the post aloud, “If you really want to impress Michael Rosenbaum, the best way to do it is with sex toys. I met him at a charity auction before. We got really drunk and shared a few stories. He's a big fan of the Pink Pussycat in New York City and has his favorite flavored dildo that he shares with the more experimental of the bunch - women OR men can apply. Also, if you really want a chance with this kinky guy, I’d suggest picking up some dirty and crazy things like a pocket pussy and lots of lube for him to use with that prettyboy co-star of his (ohmigod, we all know they’re totally fucking!!!). It would give him a good laugh...and who knows? Maybe he'll invite one of y'all home to test it out with him.”
Jensen looked up. "You're sick." Jared shrugged in response and Jensen smiled, "Just remind me to stay on your good side, man. I mean, what the fuck is a pocket pussy?"
“Dude.”
Jensen met Jared’s gaze and replied, “What?”
“I’m sure you can figure it out.”
“But…”
“I’m not explaining it to you, Jen.”
“You’re no fun,” Jensen replied. He hit Jared’s arm and said, “It’s not like I asked what lube was.”
Jared rolled his eyes. He put the laptop on the ground and turned to face Jensen. His hands ran up Jensen’s chest until his fingers could clasp onto Jensen’s hair, tugging him closer until they were chest against chest. Jared ran his tongue along Jensen’s throat and said, “You’re not nearly as innocent as you want me to think you are.”
Jensen groaned in response, his hands finding their way to the edge of Jared’s shirt and pulling it off him in one easy swoop. Jensen’s mouth moved to Jared’s chest, allowing his tongue to move along the line of the muscles and biting down on one of Jared’s nipples as he moved to rest on top of Jared. Jensen met Jared’s gaze and replied, “And it’s all your doing.”
Jared brought Jensen’s head down toward his, their lips crushing together until both were breathless. Jensen took the opportunity to move his mouth down Jared’s chest to that spot right by his hips and Jared mumbled, “Glad to oblige.”
Sitting at the bar, watching Jared regale Tom, Josh, and Christian with his fun on Internet message boards, Jensen couldn’t help but think that his friends were sick bastards who enjoyed laughs at each other’s expense. Of course, he was one of the sick bastards at the moment, and honestly, it usually didn’t bother him much. It wasn’t like each of them didn’t give as good as they got and it was always done in fun, never maliciously. Some could say it’s what made their friendship so strong, held them together through flings with actresses (and actors), hit shows, and bad reviews.
For some reason though, Jensen really wasn’t in the mood for a new practical joke war to start. And maybe it was because this involved fans, and while most of them were great and funny, there were a few out there with their screws loose. Like that fan he met while he was still on Days that came to an autograph signing in a wedding gown to marry Eric Brady. Not as a joke either.
It was one of those guys-only weekends, complete with loads of drinking, fucking around, and good laughs. It used to lead to great acts of depravity, but these days, Jared usually went off with Jensen while Tommy went off with Mike. Christian and Josh were left to their own devices, remembering the good ‘ole days when there were no Tommys or Jareds to deal with.
But Mike had other plans for the evening involving a pretty girl from the bar, whose flirting technique was about as subtle as whispering, “Fuck me right now” in a guy’s ear. And Mike was the type of guy who appreciated that forwardness. He hated games, unless he was the one initiating them. So Mike left and Jensen knew that was going to be Mike’s downfall. His abrupt departure with the faux blonde not only presented Jared with an opportunity to share his story, but provided Tommy with an outlet for his anger at being left behind.
Christian nudged Jensen in the side and whispered, “You okay there, boy? Are you turning into a lightweight on us?”
Jensen didn’t bother to respond. He took a sip of his drink and focused his gaze on Jared again. Jared leaned back in his chair, arms flailing about and his own chuckles interrupting the story every few seconds, as he shared his nefarious deeds with Tom, Christian and Josh.
Chris seemed satisfied with no response and had gotten caught up in Jared’s story. Chris replied with a hoot of laughter, “That is deserving of a shot of tequila.” Christian moved his chair in closer and said, “Son, I didn’t think it was possible, but you might be even more warped than my boy here.” Christian’s hand rested on Jensen’s shoulder, giving it a squeeze. Christian’s other hand lifted his glass to his lips and gulped down the remainder of his beer. He raised the empty glass in mock salute and said, “I’m gonna have to check this site out and see if one of starfucker’s friends doesn’t have a few of her own thoughts.”
“Shit,” Jensen muttered into his beer.
“What?” Jared asked. “It could be fun.”
“This is quickly getting out of hand, guys. I’m all for fun, but spending my evening online discussing Mike’s favorite sex toys is not my idea of a good time.” Jared shot him a look and Jensen shrugged. He added, “I’m all for humiliating Mike, but...”
“No ‘but’s’ allowed, Jen. In fact, I think we should settle up here and head back to my place to get this plan underway,” Tom replied. Jensen recognized the gleam in his eye as the Mike-has-fucked-me-over-and-I-want-vengeance one. He recognized it because he had worn that look before. Pretty much anyone who came in contact with Mike ended up with that look on his face at some point. It wasn’t that Mike was intentionally an asshole, he just had a mean sense of humor and a libido the size of Texas.
“But I’m not nearly drunk enough for cyber sex on behalf of someone else,” Josh commented.
Jensen nodded and said, “And random posts made by new posters won’t seem at all suspicious to these fans?”
“Not if we handle it right. We could have a right good time with this, boys, if y’all are up for it,” Christian replied. He stood up, slamming down his glass for effect. Tom and Jared followed his lead, drinking down the remnants of their beers before standing up to leave.
Jensen shot a dirty look at Jared who shrugged and said, “You’re not nearly as upset about this as you’re playing at.”
When Jensen didn’t move, Josh rolled his eyes and stood up. He said, “We’re picking up a case of beer on the way to T’s house or I’m out and giving Mikey the head’s up.”
Jensen rolled his eyes and said, “You’re so cheap, man.”
“I was invested in this weekend for drinking and fucking. If I’m not getting the fucking, I better get the drinking,” Josh countered.
Jared moved over next to Jensen and kicked his foot lightly. He said, “Think of the fun we’ll have after we’re done ruining Mike’s reputation.”
Jensen resisted the smile that started to form, but Jared leaned over and ran his hand along Jensen’s side and said, “Debauchery makes me very hot.”
Christian circled in on the other side, resting his hand on Jensen’s shoulder, and said, “And if you’re not there to help Jared in his time of need, I guess it will be up to Tom and me to fill in.”
Jensen stood up, threw a few dollars on the table and said, “Fuckers, all of you.”
“But you love us,” Christian replied, draping his arm around Jensen’s shoulders and leading him toward the door. The others followed and got caught up in the chatter of all the evil, totally wrong things they could say Michael Rosenbaum enjoyed doing with cockrings and weird oils.
Jensen shook his head. This had started out simple enough. Jared had an evil idea and wrote a post about a pocket pussy and lube. Next thing he knew, Jared was boasting that his post had attracted a ton of hits and responses. And now, rather than spending his Saturday night fucking Jared against a wall, he was going to read posts on the Internet.
Jensen agreed with Josh on one thing - he was going to need to be very drunk to truly appreciate the humor in all of this.
Then again, if anyone deserved to bear the brunt of this joke, it was Mike.
Jensen reminded himself of that fact the entire drive to Tom’s house. He noticed Jared watching him out of the corner of his eye as he drove down the highway and said, “What?”
“You look hot when you’re conflicted.”
“I’m always hot.”
“True.”
Jensen glanced over at Jared and replied, “Since when do you agree with me on anything?”
Jared shrugged, stretching his arm out and resting it on Jensen’s shoulder. He said, “It’s taking all my willpower not to grab your cock and jerk you off while you drive.”
Jensen smiled and shook his head. “You’re one demented pup.”
“And you love it.”
Jensen nodded, “Yeah, it works for me.” Jensen met Jared’s gaze and they both laughed, though what they were laughing at Jensen wasn’t sure. There were a lot of moments like that with Jared, laughing for no particular reason except that he was in a good mood. Jensen reached across and slapped Jared lightly on the cheek before adding, “Though I’m wondering if I should be worried about how being a prick to your friends turns you on.”
Jared popped his gum and chuckled, “I was just telling the story of my brilliance, man. Can I help it if our friends want to take it another step further?”
“Yes.”
“You saw the look on Tom’s face tonight. Rosenbaum was going down one way or another - this way I can take credit for the genius.”
“I wouldn’t boast about that too loudly. Mike will get you back when he finds out what you’ve done and it won’t be pretty.”
“I can take it,” Jared replied. As Jensen pulled the car into the driveway of Tom’s house, Jared leaned over and kissed Jensen. “It’s nice that you worry about me.”
“Oh Jesus,” Jensen replied. Jared kissed him again. It started out simple and sweet, but when Jared bit on Jensen’s lower lip, things quickly became a bit more heated with tongues and groping hands.
A knock on the driver’s side window was the only thing that seemed to stop them. Jensen pulled back and noticed Josh laughing as he took a swig from a bottle. Josh called out, “Stop fucking around in there you two. We’ve got a friend to humiliate.”
“Why are you friends with him again?” Jared asked.
Jensen shrugged and said, “Usually I can answer that question, but right now I’m telling myself not to kill the son of a bitch.”
Jared smiled, sliding his hands down Jensen’s chest. Jensen noticed how Jared’s hands lingered on his hips as he replied, “We’ll pick this up later.”
Jensen muttered, “Even when he’s not here, Rosenbaum can fuck up my evening like no other.”
“What else can we add? What other toys does our friend like to play with?” Christian asked.
“Kama Sutra cards because he’s bendy,” Tom suggested.
Jensen shook his head and Josh added, “Don’t forget tit tarts. A personal favorite.”
“What the hell are tit tarts?” Jensen asked.
The others looked at each other and laughed. He had a feeling he wasn’t the only one who didn’t know what the fuck they were - obviously he could figure it out to an extent - but the others weren’t going to admit it. Josh slapped him on the back and said, “It’s much better to discover those on your own, buddy. Trust me.”
“Asshole.”
“Whatever my virginal chum,” Josh replied, squeezing Jensen’s shoulder.
Jensen swatted him away and said, “Don’t make me hurt you.”
Tom moved between the two of them and said, “We should suggest that he really loves getting this stuff from the fans.”
“Dude, that’s sick,” Jensen replied.
“Since when did you turn into a prude?” Christian asked. He whispered something in Jared’s ear, while Jared continued typing away as the grin on his face grew about ten sizes. Yeah, that couldn’t be good.
“I’m not a prude, but would you want some complete stranger giving you this shit?”
“If she was hot,” Josh replied.
“Liar. Because I remember you at Mardi Gras that year with the girl who had the…”
“We agreed never to talk about that again, Jen,” Josh replied.
“About what?” Tom asked.
“I was using it to make a point. I wasn’t going to tell the damn story,” Jensen said.
“I’d have to kill you,” Josh replied.
“What did you do?” Tom asked. Jared and Christian looked equally interested, stopping their Internet fun to stare at Jensen and Josh.
“Nothing,” Jensen and Josh replied simultaneously.
Knowing they weren’t getting any details, Tom and Chris focused back on the task at hand, but Jared’s eyes lingered a bit longer on Jensen. Jensen forced a weak smile but he could tell by the look on Jared’s face that Jared planned to get the information out of him in very evil, manipulative ways. Ways that Jensen wasn’t very good at fending off. Ways that usually involved whipped cream and Jared’s tongue.
Fuck him and his big mouth. Jensen concentrated his gaze on the floor and said, “The point is that to suggest to fans to give Mike a...a...a smutbox...it’s just fucking weird.”
The others looked at each other and Jared said, “The Smutbox? How awesome is that.”
“Dude, the box should be wrapped in Lex Luthor wrapping paper or something,” Tom added.
Christian winked at Jensen and said, “I like it. Mike would love to get a smutbox from his fans. Tell ‘em, starfucker.”
Jensen groaned inwardly. He was truly beginning to fear his friends. Christian was right - Jensen wasn’t a prude. Hardly. But there was some shit that should remain private. And, okay, it wasn’t so much Mike he was worried about, or even himself for that matter. It would be fucking weird to get a box of sex toys from a fan, but he’d gotten some creepy shit in his time already. But worse was the image of having his little sister or, god forbid, his mother with him at some event when fans handed him a smutbox. Some things were just…he really didn’t want to think about it.
“Here’s what I have so far,” Jared said, waiting for the others to hover around the computer. He read aloud, “I was talking with a few of my friends who live up in Vancouver and hang out at the same bars as our favorite guy. He’s very friendly...and kinky. He loves toys and cards and all sorts of sick shit...wouldn’t it be great if a bunch of us created a Smutbox for him? It could have a bunch of stuff in it and some lucky fangirls could give it to him at an event. He’d love it. I’d do it myself, but he already knows me. It wouldn’t have the same effect.”
Jensen shook his head. When the others started laughing, he felt a bit guilty for laughing too. On the one hand, it was a bit disturbing that some fan might take this post as a serious suggestion. On the other hand, he secretly hoped he could be there to see Mike’s face should the situation ever arise. It would be priceless...and demented as it was, fucking hysterical since it wasn’t him on the receiving end.
“It’s in the hands of the fans now. Let’s get wasted,” Christian said.
Jared stood up, stretching out his limbs, and said, “Actually, all this deviousness has exhausted me. Jensen, mind giving me a ride home?”
“Oh, I bet he’ll give you a ride,” Josh commented.
Jensen rolled his eyes. He was going to have to work with Jared on subtlety. He put his beer down and said, “Yeah, not a problem.”
“Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do,” Christian called out as Jensen followed Jared to the front door.
Jensen didn’t expect Jared to yank him to the side and press him up against the garage door as soon as he had gotten outside. Jared’s mouth moved along the curve of Jensen’s neck while his hands fumbled with Jensen’s belt. Jared’s tongue slid up Jensen’s throat and over to his ear. Jared bit down and said, “I was getting hard thinking about getting you out of there.”
Jensen tried to think of a reply, but settled for moving his hands to Jared’s back and pressing him closer. He lifted his leg around Jared’s calf to give him further access to his body and moaned as Jared’s mouth covered his own. Jared said, “Maybe I should get us our own smutbox to play with.”
Now that was an idea Jensen could get behind.
Jensen noticed Tom and Jared trying to keep a straight face as Mike shared with them the events after a recent charity hockey game. Jensen was still too caught up in the shock that the fans actually listened to those idiots and gave Mike the smutbox to laugh. Jensen concentrated on drinking his beer as Mike explained that he laughed it off and threw it away as soon as he was out of the fans’ line of sight.
That was when Tom and Jared lost it. Tom practically spit up his drink on the table.
Mike pointed at them and said, “I should’ve fucking known.”
“Can we help it if all your fans know that you are a male whore, buddy?” Tom replied.
“Oh don’t think I won’t pay you bitches back.”
“I look forward to it,” Tom countered.
Mike glanced at Jensen and said, “And you. I’m surprised you even know what a pocket pussy is.”
Jensen shot him a dirty look and said, “When exactly was I deemed mister innocent?”
“He didn’t know what it was,” Jared replied before laughing again.
Jensen made the mental note to kill Jared later. Jensen said, “Because I don’t need that shit. I get plenty of pussy on my own.”
“You do?” Jared replied.
“He does?” Mike added.
“Shut up. All of you,” Jensen said. He took another drink of his beer and continued, “Besides, I’m not the one who has a fucking fansite dedicated to my sexual proclivities, let alone fans with enough balls to give me a box of that crap.”
“Jealousy doesn’t become you, my friend,” Mike replied.
“It didn’t freak you out?” Tom asked.
“Oh, it freaked me out. It was a box of sex toys in a superman tin for chrissakes. It was a bit weird, but what could I do but laugh it off? And now it makes much more sense. You assholes and your idea of fun.”
“Don’t blame us, blame fandom,” Jared replied.
“Fandom?” Jensen asked.
“It’s what the online Smallville community is called. It’s a fandom,” Jared answered in that tone that said the information should’ve been obvious.
“You spend way too much time online, man,” Jensen replied.
“I have to agree with him there,” Mike added.
Jared shrugged and Tom replied, “Well, whatever it’s called, fandom is fucking funny. I love that those girls felt completely comfortable handing you the Smutbox.”
“The Smutbox?” Mike repeated. He grabbed a handful of pretzels off the table and added, “Interesting name.”
“Jen came up with it,” Tom said.
Mike arched his eyebrow and Jensen recognized the gaze as the you’ve-fucked-with-the-wrong-guy one. Fucking Tommy and his goddamn big mouth. Somehow Mike was going to turn this around and make Jensen the target of his wrath. Jensen met Mike’s gaze with a stoic one of his own and said, “You’re going to get me for that, aren’t you?”
“Of course.”
“Even though all I did was randomly mention smutbox and the others decided to have fun with it.”
“I give you more credit than that.”
“Whatever.”
“At least you’re taking it like a man, Jen. I respect that,” Mike replied. His eyes narrowed on Jared and Tom before he continued, “These two bitches will cry like little girls before I’m done with them.”
“Can’t you two keep the foreplay in the bedroom?” Jared asked, moving his hand between Tom and Mike for emphasis.
Jensen shook his head and said in a singsong voice, “You’re making it worse.”
Jared sighed and raised his hands in mock surrender. He said, “Bring it on, man. I’ll be ready. And it was totally worth it just to see your face when you retold the story.”
“It also turned him on a whole lot,” Tom added. Off the looks on Jared and Jensen’s face, he shrugged and said, “Did you think I didn’t notice the dents you put in my garage doors?”
Jensen’s face flushed and even Jared looked a bit sheepish. Mike and Tom laughed and Mike said, “Maybe I should’ve kept the box for you guys.”
“We’ve got it taken care of,” Jared replied, winking at Jensen for effect.
“Too much information,” Tom said.
“I have to say...those girls have bigger balls than I do. I have to respect that,” Mike said.
“And fear it,” Jensen added.
They all nodded and Tom raised his glass for a toast. He said, “To fandom. For being fucking funny.”
“To fandom.”
{Fin}
And because the boys would totally have made this icon for the fandom if they knew how (I have it on good authority that Jared was planning to learn photoshop but Jensen's tongue kept distracting him...but luckily magickly was willing to take on the project)...
By: storydivagirl & magickly
Featuring: Jensen Ackles, Jared Padalecki, Tom Welling, Michael Rosenbaum, Christian Kane, and Josh Jackson
Summary: A practical joke that leads to fandom wank...
Rated: R
Beta'd: This story was beta'd by iamtheenemy, the bestest beta in the world.
Deviant Behavior
There was a story behind the whole smutbox debacle - one that didn’t involve crazy fans (well, it sorta did - how does any great idea come to fruition without the fangirls?) or misunderstanding. And basically the story came down to Jared Padalecki, Jensen Ackles and a practical joke. Later it came to include Tom Welling, Christian Kane, and Josh Jackson, but really, nothing probably would’ve happened if Jared hadn’t been bored and Jensen didn’t enjoy reaping the rewards of Jared’s victorious moods.
Between takes on the set, Jensen and Jared usually hung out together. It wasn’t just some story they told the press. They enjoyed hanging out together whether it was shooting hoops, duking it out on the Xbox, or getting caught up in heated moments too complicated to explain.
It was usually after those moments, tangled up in each other’s arms, breathing heavy, chuckling at some joke only the two of them understood, that Jared came up with his most diabolical ideas. Jensen liked to credit himself for those moments of genius, as though his ability to make Jared come in his pants was what mattered most.
Jensen laid back on his futon and watched as Jared grabbed his shirt from the floor and pulled it over his head. Jared’s hand slapped Jensen on his thigh and he said, “Where’s your laptop?”
“What? No cuddling?”
Jared rolled his eyes. “If you really want, pookie, we can spoon for a bit.”
“Asshole.”
“Laptop?”
Jensen motioned to the small entertainment center before resting back on the futon once again. Leave it to him to get involved with a computer nerd. He shut his eyes and said, “Would you stop reading the Justin Timberlake fanfiction? It’s a bit disturbing.”
Jared hummed “Like I Love You” under his breath and typed away on the computer, garnering a look from Jensen. Jared shrugged and said, “Mention once that I liked his music and suddenly I’m a fan.”
“He sings pop music, dude.”
“So?”
“What’s next, you admit that you went to a Britney Spears concert for the music?”
Jared tossed a pillow and Jensen’s head and said, “Go to sleep.”
“But you look so darn cute when you’re aggravated with me,” Jensen replied. He propped himself up and his lips found their way to Jared’s shoulder and neck and throat, taking small nips at the skin.
Jared groaned, but pushed Jensen back down. He said, “All in good time. Right now I need to check something out.”
Jensen muttered something unintelligible under his breath - a quality that annoyed Jared beyond comprehension - and stared up at the ceiling. After a few seconds of icy silence, Jensen replied, without an ounce of anger, “I’ve decided I need some sort of after sex habit.”
“This is me ignoring you.”
“I’m serious, J. I mean, it’s times like this I think I should start smoking.”
“So you can get lung cancer and smell like a furnace?”
“I wouldn’t smell like a furnace.”
“And you’d taste disgusting and I kinda like the way you taste.”
“I have a taste?” Jensen asked, arching his eyebrow and grinning unabashedly.
Jared didn’t look away from the computer screen and said, “It’s a mix of Crest toothpaste and coffee.”
Jensen grimaced. “It sounds disgusting.”
Jared patted Jensen on the leg and said, “But it’s not. It’s you. And tobacco would totally fuck that up.”
“I don’t know. Smoking a cigarette after sex seems...it always looks hot in movies.”
“You and I both know things in the movies are hardly ever as hot as they look.”
“Says you,” Jensen replied. He groaned when Jared moved his hand from where it was resting on his leg up along his thigh and groin area. Jared used the fingers of his left hand to stroke Jensen’s stomach while he continued to type on the laptop with the other. Jensen felt his eyes roll back and he sighed contentedly. Now this was a much better use of their time. He took Jared’s hand in his, but instead of taking his rightful place on top of Jensen, Jared pulled Jensen up into a sitting position.
Jared grinned and said, “Time to get up.”
“But things were just getting interesting.”
“This will be interesting too. I promise.”
“Not as interesting, I’m sure.”
Jared winked at Jensen and replied, “Tommy called me earlier about this site we had to check out.”
Jensen punched Jared on the arm as he peered over his shoulder at the laptop. He said, “I’m going to pretend that a website Tom wants you to check out is not what’s keeping us from other things.”
“Tommy swears we have to see it.”
“You and Tommy are sexual deviants and I want no part of any websites that Tom frequents.”
“Says the man who went down on me between shots in the Impala where any member of the crew could’ve seen.”
“You asked nicely. And that’s not deviant behavior…that’s exhibitionism.”
“Whatever. It’s not that sort of site.”
“Then it’s definitely not going to hold my attention.”
“Tommy called this morning cackling about discovering this message board dedicated to Mike.”
“Uh-huh.”
“I know, not too out of the norm, but this board had a whole fucking forum dedicated to what Mike’s fans assume are his strange, sexual proclivities.”
Jensen’s mouth twisted into a wicked smile and he pulled the laptop from Jared’s hands. He asked, “Do you think it mentions me?”
“It better not.”
“Oh cupcake, it’s only been you for awhile now,” Jensen replied, pinching Jared’s cheek.
Jared slapped his hand away and grabbed the laptop back. He said, “We could have a whole lot of fun with this.”
“We could text message him our favorite entries throughout the day.”
Jared shook his head and said, “You’re thinking too small, man.”
“You’ve got that look in your eye.”
“Yeah, I do.”
“The one you get when you’re about to do something completely inappropriate, like the time you text messaged me with all the dirty things you planned to do to me in the middle of the Paley workshop.”
“You didn’t seem to mind when I delivered on those promises.”
“I’m just saying you’re a very bad boy, Jared.”
Jared patted Jensen’s hand and said, “I learned from the master.”
Jensen smiled and waved his hand, “Oh go on.”
Jensen watched as Jared bit back a moan as he ran his hand under the back of Jared’s shirt, moving his fingers over the muscles of Jared’s back and drawing circles into the skin. He purposefully concentrated on where the skin was already raw from kisses and scratches.
Jensen almost forgot about Jared’s evil plans for Mike and from the look on Jared’s face, Jensen knew Jared had forgotten too.
Jensen leaned closer to Jared, smiling into the curve of Jared’s neck and whispered, “I think this is a better way to kill some time.”
Jared cleared his throat and finally managed, “You need to stop.”
“But I’m the master.”
Jared pried free of Jensen’s grip and said, “Great, I’ve created a monster.” Jared moved a few inches over on the futon, more for his own sanity than anything else.
Jensen grinned. It wasn’t often that he could get the upperhand with Jared, who loved nothing more than to toy with Jensen between shots and during interviews and pretty much anywhere and everywhere. Jensen was going to enjoy this and he knew from past history that one perfected look would make Jared crazy. And Jensen liked crazy Jared. It got him pushed up against doors.
Jared cleared his throat again and said, “Don’t you want to pay Mike back for that gay bar incident?”
“Why did you have to bring that up?”
“To remind you that at our fingertips is the arsenal from which we can have a whole lot of fun at our friend’s expense,” Jared replied. He put the laptop down on the floor and raised his hands, “But if you’d rather fuck me, I’m not gonna stop you.”
Jensen picked up the laptop off the floor. Jensen knew Jared was attempting to hide his know-it-all grin - always claiming that Jensen was so predictable - and Jensen met Jared's gaze. Jensen shook his head and said, “Your screenname is starfucker69? Isn’t that a bit much? Is it even allowed?”
“It’s allowed because I substituted an asterisk for the ‘u’ and if you saw some of these posts, you’d be worried it wasn’t risqué enough.”
“It scares me how comfortable you are with message boards, dude.”
“Well, us youngin’s were brought up on the Internet, old man.”
Jensen watched Jared maneuver through a number of screens on the computer and begin typing a post. It was a bit worrisome to Jensen that his co-star was so skilled with things like this. Made him wonder about what Jared did in his personal time when they weren’t together. What if Jared kept one of those blogs where he wrote about things better left not written about? Christ, he hoped not.
Jensen decided not to think about it any longer. If Jared liked to troll around on message boards and read fansites, Jensen wouldn’t let it bother him. Jensen asked, “What’s taking so long? Are you typing the Unabomber’s manifesto?
"Give me another second..." Jared replied, typing away with an evil grin on his face. Jared's head shot up and he smirked. "Okay." He passed the laptop over to Jensen and said, "Read it, man. It's fucking genius."
Jensen read over the post and glanced at Jared, who was completely impressed with himself. Jensen swallowed back the laugh in his throat and said, “You’re fucking evil incarnate.” Jared didn’t deny the accusation, but Jensen felt he had to defend his comment, reading the post aloud, “If you really want to impress Michael Rosenbaum, the best way to do it is with sex toys. I met him at a charity auction before. We got really drunk and shared a few stories. He's a big fan of the Pink Pussycat in New York City and has his favorite flavored dildo that he shares with the more experimental of the bunch - women OR men can apply. Also, if you really want a chance with this kinky guy, I’d suggest picking up some dirty and crazy things like a pocket pussy and lots of lube for him to use with that prettyboy co-star of his (ohmigod, we all know they’re totally fucking!!!). It would give him a good laugh...and who knows? Maybe he'll invite one of y'all home to test it out with him.”
Jensen looked up. "You're sick." Jared shrugged in response and Jensen smiled, "Just remind me to stay on your good side, man. I mean, what the fuck is a pocket pussy?"
“Dude.”
Jensen met Jared’s gaze and replied, “What?”
“I’m sure you can figure it out.”
“But…”
“I’m not explaining it to you, Jen.”
“You’re no fun,” Jensen replied. He hit Jared’s arm and said, “It’s not like I asked what lube was.”
Jared rolled his eyes. He put the laptop on the ground and turned to face Jensen. His hands ran up Jensen’s chest until his fingers could clasp onto Jensen’s hair, tugging him closer until they were chest against chest. Jared ran his tongue along Jensen’s throat and said, “You’re not nearly as innocent as you want me to think you are.”
Jensen groaned in response, his hands finding their way to the edge of Jared’s shirt and pulling it off him in one easy swoop. Jensen’s mouth moved to Jared’s chest, allowing his tongue to move along the line of the muscles and biting down on one of Jared’s nipples as he moved to rest on top of Jared. Jensen met Jared’s gaze and replied, “And it’s all your doing.”
Jared brought Jensen’s head down toward his, their lips crushing together until both were breathless. Jensen took the opportunity to move his mouth down Jared’s chest to that spot right by his hips and Jared mumbled, “Glad to oblige.”
Sitting at the bar, watching Jared regale Tom, Josh, and Christian with his fun on Internet message boards, Jensen couldn’t help but think that his friends were sick bastards who enjoyed laughs at each other’s expense. Of course, he was one of the sick bastards at the moment, and honestly, it usually didn’t bother him much. It wasn’t like each of them didn’t give as good as they got and it was always done in fun, never maliciously. Some could say it’s what made their friendship so strong, held them together through flings with actresses (and actors), hit shows, and bad reviews.
For some reason though, Jensen really wasn’t in the mood for a new practical joke war to start. And maybe it was because this involved fans, and while most of them were great and funny, there were a few out there with their screws loose. Like that fan he met while he was still on Days that came to an autograph signing in a wedding gown to marry Eric Brady. Not as a joke either.
It was one of those guys-only weekends, complete with loads of drinking, fucking around, and good laughs. It used to lead to great acts of depravity, but these days, Jared usually went off with Jensen while Tommy went off with Mike. Christian and Josh were left to their own devices, remembering the good ‘ole days when there were no Tommys or Jareds to deal with.
But Mike had other plans for the evening involving a pretty girl from the bar, whose flirting technique was about as subtle as whispering, “Fuck me right now” in a guy’s ear. And Mike was the type of guy who appreciated that forwardness. He hated games, unless he was the one initiating them. So Mike left and Jensen knew that was going to be Mike’s downfall. His abrupt departure with the faux blonde not only presented Jared with an opportunity to share his story, but provided Tommy with an outlet for his anger at being left behind.
Christian nudged Jensen in the side and whispered, “You okay there, boy? Are you turning into a lightweight on us?”
Jensen didn’t bother to respond. He took a sip of his drink and focused his gaze on Jared again. Jared leaned back in his chair, arms flailing about and his own chuckles interrupting the story every few seconds, as he shared his nefarious deeds with Tom, Christian and Josh.
Chris seemed satisfied with no response and had gotten caught up in Jared’s story. Chris replied with a hoot of laughter, “That is deserving of a shot of tequila.” Christian moved his chair in closer and said, “Son, I didn’t think it was possible, but you might be even more warped than my boy here.” Christian’s hand rested on Jensen’s shoulder, giving it a squeeze. Christian’s other hand lifted his glass to his lips and gulped down the remainder of his beer. He raised the empty glass in mock salute and said, “I’m gonna have to check this site out and see if one of starfucker’s friends doesn’t have a few of her own thoughts.”
“Shit,” Jensen muttered into his beer.
“What?” Jared asked. “It could be fun.”
“This is quickly getting out of hand, guys. I’m all for fun, but spending my evening online discussing Mike’s favorite sex toys is not my idea of a good time.” Jared shot him a look and Jensen shrugged. He added, “I’m all for humiliating Mike, but...”
“No ‘but’s’ allowed, Jen. In fact, I think we should settle up here and head back to my place to get this plan underway,” Tom replied. Jensen recognized the gleam in his eye as the Mike-has-fucked-me-over-and-I-want-vengeance one. He recognized it because he had worn that look before. Pretty much anyone who came in contact with Mike ended up with that look on his face at some point. It wasn’t that Mike was intentionally an asshole, he just had a mean sense of humor and a libido the size of Texas.
“But I’m not nearly drunk enough for cyber sex on behalf of someone else,” Josh commented.
Jensen nodded and said, “And random posts made by new posters won’t seem at all suspicious to these fans?”
“Not if we handle it right. We could have a right good time with this, boys, if y’all are up for it,” Christian replied. He stood up, slamming down his glass for effect. Tom and Jared followed his lead, drinking down the remnants of their beers before standing up to leave.
Jensen shot a dirty look at Jared who shrugged and said, “You’re not nearly as upset about this as you’re playing at.”
When Jensen didn’t move, Josh rolled his eyes and stood up. He said, “We’re picking up a case of beer on the way to T’s house or I’m out and giving Mikey the head’s up.”
Jensen rolled his eyes and said, “You’re so cheap, man.”
“I was invested in this weekend for drinking and fucking. If I’m not getting the fucking, I better get the drinking,” Josh countered.
Jared moved over next to Jensen and kicked his foot lightly. He said, “Think of the fun we’ll have after we’re done ruining Mike’s reputation.”
Jensen resisted the smile that started to form, but Jared leaned over and ran his hand along Jensen’s side and said, “Debauchery makes me very hot.”
Christian circled in on the other side, resting his hand on Jensen’s shoulder, and said, “And if you’re not there to help Jared in his time of need, I guess it will be up to Tom and me to fill in.”
Jensen stood up, threw a few dollars on the table and said, “Fuckers, all of you.”
“But you love us,” Christian replied, draping his arm around Jensen’s shoulders and leading him toward the door. The others followed and got caught up in the chatter of all the evil, totally wrong things they could say Michael Rosenbaum enjoyed doing with cockrings and weird oils.
Jensen shook his head. This had started out simple enough. Jared had an evil idea and wrote a post about a pocket pussy and lube. Next thing he knew, Jared was boasting that his post had attracted a ton of hits and responses. And now, rather than spending his Saturday night fucking Jared against a wall, he was going to read posts on the Internet.
Jensen agreed with Josh on one thing - he was going to need to be very drunk to truly appreciate the humor in all of this.
Then again, if anyone deserved to bear the brunt of this joke, it was Mike.
Jensen reminded himself of that fact the entire drive to Tom’s house. He noticed Jared watching him out of the corner of his eye as he drove down the highway and said, “What?”
“You look hot when you’re conflicted.”
“I’m always hot.”
“True.”
Jensen glanced over at Jared and replied, “Since when do you agree with me on anything?”
Jared shrugged, stretching his arm out and resting it on Jensen’s shoulder. He said, “It’s taking all my willpower not to grab your cock and jerk you off while you drive.”
Jensen smiled and shook his head. “You’re one demented pup.”
“And you love it.”
Jensen nodded, “Yeah, it works for me.” Jensen met Jared’s gaze and they both laughed, though what they were laughing at Jensen wasn’t sure. There were a lot of moments like that with Jared, laughing for no particular reason except that he was in a good mood. Jensen reached across and slapped Jared lightly on the cheek before adding, “Though I’m wondering if I should be worried about how being a prick to your friends turns you on.”
Jared popped his gum and chuckled, “I was just telling the story of my brilliance, man. Can I help it if our friends want to take it another step further?”
“Yes.”
“You saw the look on Tom’s face tonight. Rosenbaum was going down one way or another - this way I can take credit for the genius.”
“I wouldn’t boast about that too loudly. Mike will get you back when he finds out what you’ve done and it won’t be pretty.”
“I can take it,” Jared replied. As Jensen pulled the car into the driveway of Tom’s house, Jared leaned over and kissed Jensen. “It’s nice that you worry about me.”
“Oh Jesus,” Jensen replied. Jared kissed him again. It started out simple and sweet, but when Jared bit on Jensen’s lower lip, things quickly became a bit more heated with tongues and groping hands.
A knock on the driver’s side window was the only thing that seemed to stop them. Jensen pulled back and noticed Josh laughing as he took a swig from a bottle. Josh called out, “Stop fucking around in there you two. We’ve got a friend to humiliate.”
“Why are you friends with him again?” Jared asked.
Jensen shrugged and said, “Usually I can answer that question, but right now I’m telling myself not to kill the son of a bitch.”
Jared smiled, sliding his hands down Jensen’s chest. Jensen noticed how Jared’s hands lingered on his hips as he replied, “We’ll pick this up later.”
Jensen muttered, “Even when he’s not here, Rosenbaum can fuck up my evening like no other.”
“What else can we add? What other toys does our friend like to play with?” Christian asked.
“Kama Sutra cards because he’s bendy,” Tom suggested.
Jensen shook his head and Josh added, “Don’t forget tit tarts. A personal favorite.”
“What the hell are tit tarts?” Jensen asked.
The others looked at each other and laughed. He had a feeling he wasn’t the only one who didn’t know what the fuck they were - obviously he could figure it out to an extent - but the others weren’t going to admit it. Josh slapped him on the back and said, “It’s much better to discover those on your own, buddy. Trust me.”
“Asshole.”
“Whatever my virginal chum,” Josh replied, squeezing Jensen’s shoulder.
Jensen swatted him away and said, “Don’t make me hurt you.”
Tom moved between the two of them and said, “We should suggest that he really loves getting this stuff from the fans.”
“Dude, that’s sick,” Jensen replied.
“Since when did you turn into a prude?” Christian asked. He whispered something in Jared’s ear, while Jared continued typing away as the grin on his face grew about ten sizes. Yeah, that couldn’t be good.
“I’m not a prude, but would you want some complete stranger giving you this shit?”
“If she was hot,” Josh replied.
“Liar. Because I remember you at Mardi Gras that year with the girl who had the…”
“We agreed never to talk about that again, Jen,” Josh replied.
“About what?” Tom asked.
“I was using it to make a point. I wasn’t going to tell the damn story,” Jensen said.
“I’d have to kill you,” Josh replied.
“What did you do?” Tom asked. Jared and Christian looked equally interested, stopping their Internet fun to stare at Jensen and Josh.
“Nothing,” Jensen and Josh replied simultaneously.
Knowing they weren’t getting any details, Tom and Chris focused back on the task at hand, but Jared’s eyes lingered a bit longer on Jensen. Jensen forced a weak smile but he could tell by the look on Jared’s face that Jared planned to get the information out of him in very evil, manipulative ways. Ways that Jensen wasn’t very good at fending off. Ways that usually involved whipped cream and Jared’s tongue.
Fuck him and his big mouth. Jensen concentrated his gaze on the floor and said, “The point is that to suggest to fans to give Mike a...a...a smutbox...it’s just fucking weird.”
The others looked at each other and Jared said, “The Smutbox? How awesome is that.”
“Dude, the box should be wrapped in Lex Luthor wrapping paper or something,” Tom added.
Christian winked at Jensen and said, “I like it. Mike would love to get a smutbox from his fans. Tell ‘em, starfucker.”
Jensen groaned inwardly. He was truly beginning to fear his friends. Christian was right - Jensen wasn’t a prude. Hardly. But there was some shit that should remain private. And, okay, it wasn’t so much Mike he was worried about, or even himself for that matter. It would be fucking weird to get a box of sex toys from a fan, but he’d gotten some creepy shit in his time already. But worse was the image of having his little sister or, god forbid, his mother with him at some event when fans handed him a smutbox. Some things were just…he really didn’t want to think about it.
“Here’s what I have so far,” Jared said, waiting for the others to hover around the computer. He read aloud, “I was talking with a few of my friends who live up in Vancouver and hang out at the same bars as our favorite guy. He’s very friendly...and kinky. He loves toys and cards and all sorts of sick shit...wouldn’t it be great if a bunch of us created a Smutbox for him? It could have a bunch of stuff in it and some lucky fangirls could give it to him at an event. He’d love it. I’d do it myself, but he already knows me. It wouldn’t have the same effect.”
Jensen shook his head. When the others started laughing, he felt a bit guilty for laughing too. On the one hand, it was a bit disturbing that some fan might take this post as a serious suggestion. On the other hand, he secretly hoped he could be there to see Mike’s face should the situation ever arise. It would be priceless...and demented as it was, fucking hysterical since it wasn’t him on the receiving end.
“It’s in the hands of the fans now. Let’s get wasted,” Christian said.
Jared stood up, stretching out his limbs, and said, “Actually, all this deviousness has exhausted me. Jensen, mind giving me a ride home?”
“Oh, I bet he’ll give you a ride,” Josh commented.
Jensen rolled his eyes. He was going to have to work with Jared on subtlety. He put his beer down and said, “Yeah, not a problem.”
“Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do,” Christian called out as Jensen followed Jared to the front door.
Jensen didn’t expect Jared to yank him to the side and press him up against the garage door as soon as he had gotten outside. Jared’s mouth moved along the curve of Jensen’s neck while his hands fumbled with Jensen’s belt. Jared’s tongue slid up Jensen’s throat and over to his ear. Jared bit down and said, “I was getting hard thinking about getting you out of there.”
Jensen tried to think of a reply, but settled for moving his hands to Jared’s back and pressing him closer. He lifted his leg around Jared’s calf to give him further access to his body and moaned as Jared’s mouth covered his own. Jared said, “Maybe I should get us our own smutbox to play with.”
Now that was an idea Jensen could get behind.
Jensen noticed Tom and Jared trying to keep a straight face as Mike shared with them the events after a recent charity hockey game. Jensen was still too caught up in the shock that the fans actually listened to those idiots and gave Mike the smutbox to laugh. Jensen concentrated on drinking his beer as Mike explained that he laughed it off and threw it away as soon as he was out of the fans’ line of sight.
That was when Tom and Jared lost it. Tom practically spit up his drink on the table.
Mike pointed at them and said, “I should’ve fucking known.”
“Can we help it if all your fans know that you are a male whore, buddy?” Tom replied.
“Oh don’t think I won’t pay you bitches back.”
“I look forward to it,” Tom countered.
Mike glanced at Jensen and said, “And you. I’m surprised you even know what a pocket pussy is.”
Jensen shot him a dirty look and said, “When exactly was I deemed mister innocent?”
“He didn’t know what it was,” Jared replied before laughing again.
Jensen made the mental note to kill Jared later. Jensen said, “Because I don’t need that shit. I get plenty of pussy on my own.”
“You do?” Jared replied.
“He does?” Mike added.
“Shut up. All of you,” Jensen said. He took another drink of his beer and continued, “Besides, I’m not the one who has a fucking fansite dedicated to my sexual proclivities, let alone fans with enough balls to give me a box of that crap.”
“Jealousy doesn’t become you, my friend,” Mike replied.
“It didn’t freak you out?” Tom asked.
“Oh, it freaked me out. It was a box of sex toys in a superman tin for chrissakes. It was a bit weird, but what could I do but laugh it off? And now it makes much more sense. You assholes and your idea of fun.”
“Don’t blame us, blame fandom,” Jared replied.
“Fandom?” Jensen asked.
“It’s what the online Smallville community is called. It’s a fandom,” Jared answered in that tone that said the information should’ve been obvious.
“You spend way too much time online, man,” Jensen replied.
“I have to agree with him there,” Mike added.
Jared shrugged and Tom replied, “Well, whatever it’s called, fandom is fucking funny. I love that those girls felt completely comfortable handing you the Smutbox.”
“The Smutbox?” Mike repeated. He grabbed a handful of pretzels off the table and added, “Interesting name.”
“Jen came up with it,” Tom said.
Mike arched his eyebrow and Jensen recognized the gaze as the you’ve-fucked-with-the-wrong-guy one. Fucking Tommy and his goddamn big mouth. Somehow Mike was going to turn this around and make Jensen the target of his wrath. Jensen met Mike’s gaze with a stoic one of his own and said, “You’re going to get me for that, aren’t you?”
“Of course.”
“Even though all I did was randomly mention smutbox and the others decided to have fun with it.”
“I give you more credit than that.”
“Whatever.”
“At least you’re taking it like a man, Jen. I respect that,” Mike replied. His eyes narrowed on Jared and Tom before he continued, “These two bitches will cry like little girls before I’m done with them.”
“Can’t you two keep the foreplay in the bedroom?” Jared asked, moving his hand between Tom and Mike for emphasis.
Jensen shook his head and said in a singsong voice, “You’re making it worse.”
Jared sighed and raised his hands in mock surrender. He said, “Bring it on, man. I’ll be ready. And it was totally worth it just to see your face when you retold the story.”
“It also turned him on a whole lot,” Tom added. Off the looks on Jared and Jensen’s face, he shrugged and said, “Did you think I didn’t notice the dents you put in my garage doors?”
Jensen’s face flushed and even Jared looked a bit sheepish. Mike and Tom laughed and Mike said, “Maybe I should’ve kept the box for you guys.”
“We’ve got it taken care of,” Jared replied, winking at Jensen for effect.
“Too much information,” Tom said.
“I have to say...those girls have bigger balls than I do. I have to respect that,” Mike said.
“And fear it,” Jensen added.
They all nodded and Tom raised his glass for a toast. He said, “To fandom. For being fucking funny.”
“To fandom.”
{Fin}
And because the boys would totally have made this icon for the fandom if they knew how (I have it on good authority that Jared was planning to learn photoshop but Jensen's tongue kept distracting him...but luckily magickly was willing to take on the project)...