FIC: Blazing Light (PG-13)
Title: Blazing Light
Type: Fic
Age-Range Category: Three
Pairing: Severus/Harry
Author: ghostshipwreck
Rating: PG-13
Click to View [Warning(s)]Talk of previous suicide.
Notes: I have long loved Severus, and the Severus/Harry ship, yet this is my first time writing it. I was worried about getting Severus right but I think I managed it, and I certainly enjoyed having a go. [Click to continue]I honestly intended this to be a comedy fic, but somehow it turned super angsty. There is some humour mixed in, though, and there is a happy ending.
Summary: When a mysterious vigilante begins rounding up Death Eaters, Severus fears he'll end up in Azkaban too. What he finds is much worse-a friend.
Severus let the Daily Prophet drop to the table in front of him and stared down at Lucius Malfoy's bruised, scowling face. A photo further down the article showed Malfoy with his wrists in handcuffs, and a burly Auror on each side of him escorting him through the Ministry of Magic courtrooms.
Severus didn't need to read the article to know what it would say. Over a short period, men and women who'd been in the Dark Lord's service but escaped justice by making false claims of being victims of the Imperius Curse, or by offering large bribes to the Ministry, had been arrested. All of them had been found beaten and bound in the Ministry's public atrium, alongside a signed confession of guilt and a mountain of evidence which Ministry officials couldn't ignore.
It been three years since Voldemort vanished, with most presuming him to dead though Severus thought otherwise, so nobody knew why somebody was suddenly hunting down ex-Death Eaters, or who was even responsible for doing so. None of those arrested had been able to remember who had brought them to justice, their memories seemingly altered by the vigilante.
And now, with Lucius Malfoy captured, all the ex-Death Eaters were behind bars-all except one.
"Severus," came a soft, Scottish voice, and Severus looked towards Minerva McGonagall who was looking at him with concern etched on her features. Her gaze fell onto his copy of the Prophet, and he knew exactly what she was thinking.
"I'm quite fine, Minerva," Severus said sharply, not wanting to face her pity. "If you'll excuse me, I have some business to attend to in my quarters."
He stood and stepped away from the head table before she could reply, and strode briskly down the Great Hall, scowling furiously at some noisy second-years who quietened down as soon as they caught sight of him.
Aside from Filch, and perhaps Minerva, Severus liked to consider himself one of the most frightening presences in Hogwarts. He'd had quite enough of being afraid in his youth, and if he needed to be seen as a monster to escape that, then so be it. Severus hadn't been afraid for three years, but now he was afraid again and he didn't even know who was responsible for it.
Yes, he'd made some awful choices in his life, but he believed he'd done enough good to keep himself out of Azkaban. Now, however, there seemed to be a vigilante who seemed to have a deep vendetta against all Death Eaters. Severus didn't even trust the magical walls of Hogwarts to keep himself safe; the vigilante had somehow even figured out that Peter Pettigrew was alive and hiding as a rat in a family home, and had been the one responsible for the crimes he'd then framed Sirius Black for.
And as Severus's wand flew out of his hands the very moment he stepped into his private quarters, it seemed he wouldn't be able to escape justice either.
><><><
Severus's gaze immediately fell on a tall, cloaked figure who sat perched at the end of Severus's bed. He held Severus's wand between nimble fingers, spinning it as though it were a toy."I see you've come for me at last," Severus said coldly, walking into the room slowly, edging towards his desk where he had a spare wand stashed for emergencies. He couldn't believe he'd been caught so off-guard, and anger flared in him at being so easily bested. "Azkaban must surely be full once you get me there."
The figure tilted his head. "Do you believe you deserve to be in Azkaban, Severus?"
Severus frowned; the voice was far younger than he expected to hear and had a familiar lilt to it that he couldn't quite place.
"Some would certainly say so," Severus answered, leaning against the hard edge of his desk. "I've committed crimes that warrant a sentence, yes, but I've risked my life to make things right since. I don't believe you're going to give me a say in the matter, though."
"We always have a choice, Severus," the stranger said. "Your motives were pure but selfish, and your actions far braver and noble than I think you even believe. I don't-"
A flash of dark gold flashed between them as Severus grasped his spare wand, cutting into the Dumbledore-like speech. Severus heard a gasp from the vigilante followed by a burst of blue light flung up quicker than most would have been able to manage.
The spells met in the middle and exploded in a pulse of energy which almost knocked Severus off his feet. There was a clatter as two wands fell to the floor in the center of the room, leaving the stranger unarmed. Finally, having the upper hand, Severus moved to summon the wands back to him, only to be taken aback when the stranger threw himself to the floor to grab them in a move far more Muggle than Severus was used to.
Fury and adrenaline pushed aside any sense of dignity as Severus launched himself at the vigilante, his hands grappling at the man to stop him from getting the upper hand once again.
In the struggle, the stranger's hood slipped down and Severus froze at the sight. For a split-second he thought James Potter was in front of him, until he saw the emerald green eyes that Severus had been so used to seeing in Lily. He frowned, confused, and that feeling only grew as his gaze travelled upwards and fell on a lightning bolt scar. The signs were telling him that this was Lily's son, except Harry was a four-year-old child, and the man in front of Severus looked about twenty years older than that.
'Harry' gave Severus a sheepish grin. "Surprise."
><><><
Severus could barely believe what he was hearing as Harry told him a story, of the parallel universe that he came from. He told Severus of Voldemort's return and war breaking out in the magical world once again. He spoke about Horcruxes, and the Deathly Hallows. Harry told Severus that when Dumbledore was fatally cursed, he asked Severus to kill him, in doing so cementing Voldemort's faith in him while alienating himself completely from the side he was truly on. He explained how Severus played his role as spy so well that Voldemort never suspected a thing until the end, and how Voldemort slaughtered Severus without a second though despite believing Severus to be a loyal servant.
Severus wouldn't have believed any of it, except Harry knew details about Severus, and about his friendship with Lily, that nobody else alive would have been able to know-information and memories that his older self had apparently given Harry in his dying moments.
"But how did you end up here?" Severus asked. "You said our universes are parallel, so you couldn't have used a time turner."
Harry shook his head. "All of them were destroyed anyway. But, ah, no, basically I…I was a mess after the war. I was full of anger, sadness, guilt, and sorrow, and I was so overwhelmed by it that I pushed everyone I loved away because I didn't want to drag them down into my darkness. I thought I deserved the loneliness that came with that, but really it just made all my emotions so much heavier."
Severus swallowed heavily, knowing all too well what those emotions felt like. In the months after Lily died, he couldn't make it through the day without a potion to mask his feelings.
"One day I'd been drinking more than I should," Harry continued, "and I accidentally dropped my glass and absolutely broke down over it. I picked up my wand to clean it up, and in a moment I decided the better thing would be to turn my wand on myself and make my problems go away for good. After I died, though, I found Death waiting for me. Apparently if you collect the Hallows for noble reasons, and willingly give up being Master of Death, Death becomes quite fond of you. Anyway, She said there was no way of returning to my old life, but She would let me move on to the afterlife if I truly wished, or She could take me to a parallel world where I could make things better for others."
"So you chose to come here and stop your war from ever happening."
Harry nodded. "In Death's realm everything felt clearer, and I wanted to make things better for my family and friends even if it meant I wouldn't be able to ever talk to them again. So I've rounded up all the Death Eaters who escaped justice, got my godfather declared a free man, and got my aunt and uncle arrested for child abuse so that my younger self can grow up with Sirius. And, of course, I've been working with Dumbledore to hunt down and destroy Voldemort's Horcruxes and his final form so he won't be able to return again."
"And where do I fit into this new world you've created? Do you wish to see me behind bars?" Severus looked at Harry as he spoke, and saw only genuine compassion as Harry shook his head.
"You gave your life to make your wrongs right, and chose to protect me all my life despite the pain my father caused you. In the end you chose love over hatred, and you going to Azkaban wouldn't mean anything. Besides, I have a much better way of improving your life."
"I don't need my life improving," Severus snarled, scowling when Harry grinned, seemingly unaffected by his mood swing.
"Yes, because you're clearly a ray of sunshine." Harry clicked his tongue and his grin grew. "What you need is a friend, so that's what I'm going to be for you."
Severus stared, sure he had misheard completely. "A friend? You think I need a friend? Well, I think you can take your pity elsewhere and leave me alone."
"I don't pity you, Severus. I empathise, yes, but you won't see any pity from me. In fact, I think you're a bit of an arse and I'm not afraid to tell you so."
"Do friends often call one another an arse?" Severus asked, raising a brow sceptically.
"True friends should, actually, yes," Harry countered.
"Well, regardless, I'm far too busy here at Hogwarts for you to force your friendship upon me, so-"
"Oh, don't worry about that," Harry interrupted brightly. "Dumbledore agrees with my plan and has offered me a job as your Potions assistant. I'm not the best at potions, though, so you might not want to give me the hard jobs…although I did find your instructions in your old student textbook helpful, but your actual teaching methods did very little to help me in class."
Severus sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. He was going to murder that interfering old man, and probably his mini-sidekick, too.
"Are you quite sure that sending me to Azkaban is off the table?"
><><><
Once Harry confirmed, multiple times, that he was not going to send Severus to Azkaban no matter how much he asked, Severus then marched himself furiously to Dumbledore's office.
Not only did Albus confirm that the entirety of Harry's story was true, he also kept smiling at Harry fondly as though he was a favourite grandchild. Minerva and Albus were a bad enough duo, and now it seemed as though Severus was going to have to put up with another meddling pair.
"Can't you simply fire, Potter, or put him to work with Hagrid? I don't need an assistant, Albus!"
"Hagrid works hard!" Harry interjected, seemingly more concerned for the grounds-keeper than the possibility of getting fired. "I bet you wouldn't last a week doing his job."
Dumbledore held up a hand to silence Harry, but his eyes were twinkling in amusement.
"No, Severus, I won't be firing Mr Potter-or Mr Evanson, should I say." Severus felt his heart skip a beat at the pseudonym that Harry had chosen, and found himself sparing a glance towards the man in question.
His gaze was unwillingly drawn to the beautiful emerald eyes that Severus had always admired in Lily. But whereas Lily's stare had turned from kind to resentment over the years, Harry's looked back at him with mirth and, surprisingly, respect.
"You are an excellent Potions Master, Severus," Albus continued. "However you can't deny that you have difficulties keeping a positive attitude when you work with the students."
Harry snorted. "That's an understatement."
Severus turned to fix him with a glare, but Harry simply flashed him a charming smile that made Severus's stomach flutter. Oh, that wasn't a good thing. Yes, he had a weakness for men with a witty sense of humour and green eyes, but usually Severus could control himself better.
"Fine," he snapped, tearing his mind away from its treacherous thoughts. "You can deal with the halfwit children and the troublemakers, and don't even think about interfering with my own personal potions; I'd prefer my laboratory didn't explode under your touch."
"Sounds good to me, although I don't think I'll call the children halfwits; I don't think they like that," Harry said, making Dumbledore chuckle. Severus resisted the urge to roll his eyes. "And I've blown up several potions but never enough to destroy a room, so I think you're good there, too."
Honestly, anyone could get a job at Hogwarts these days.
><><><
"So who's your handsome new assistant?" Minerva asked in a low voice at breakfast the next morning.
Albus had introduced Harry to the students the previous night as Remy Evanson, whose facial features were slightly sharper than Harry's, his eyes darker and his hair several shades lighter. The changes were small, but enough that only people who knew James Potter well might think they were distantly related.
Severus had noticed Minerva looking rather interested the night prior, so had made a point of leaving dinner early so he could avoid her questions. She was already at breakfast when Severus arrived, however, and now the feline shadow Severus thought he had noticed when he left his quarters made a lot more sense.
"He's another lost soul that Albus has taken pity on and, for some reason, thought would be best off under my supervision."
Filius Flitwick, obviously eavesdropping, let out a chortle. "Is Albus trying to punish your assistant or you?"
"I can assure you, it's me," Severus said dryly. "Albus apparently thinks it would do me good to have a friend."
"You say that as though it's a bad thing," Minerva retorted, seeming just as amused by the situation as Dumbledore had been.
"You're young, yet, Severus," Filius added. "It will do you good to spend time with someone your age instead of colleagues who used to be your teachers."
"I am actually quite content to be alone, particularly when I'm brewing. You and Minerva simply gave me no choice but to tolerate your company."
Minerva and Filius simply laughed, recognising there was no bite in his tone.
"Only you could be so unhappy about having a handsome young man working alongside you," Minerva said with a small smirk. "Most men of your age would make the most of that."
Severus smirked back at her. "That's the second time you've called him handsome; don't you think he might be a little young for you?"
"I'm not thinking of myself, Severus," she responded, giving Severus a pointed look. This wouldn't be the first time she'd tried to set up staff in the school; Septima Vector and Irma Pince were a very formidable couple thanks to Minerva's matchmaking.
Severus rolled his eyes and got to his feet, deciding he'd had enough of his porridge this morning. He had Sugar Quills hidden away in his office, anyway.
"Enjoy spending time with your new assistant," Filius called cheerfully as Severus strode away.
><><><
When Severus arrived at his classroom he was surprised to see Harry already waiting, sat perched on the edge of Severus's desk.
"Will you get off there," Severus said sharply as a way of greeting.
Harry grinned. "Would you rather I sit on your stool? The chairs in this classroom aren't very comfortable, you know."
"No classroom here has comfortable chairs," Severus pointed out. "Castle aesthetics weren't designed with comfort in mind."
Harry nodded his head in agreement, and slid off the desk. "I've cleaned the jars of Bubotuber Pus already."
Severus frowned; he'd been looking forward to sending Harry off into the storage cupboard so he could have some alone time before the first class of the day.
"The Flobberworm Mucus needs decanting into smaller jars, if you want-"
"Done it," Harry said with a grin. He folded his arms over his chest, looking at Severus with a pointed look as if to dare him to find the worst task he could think of.
"The Sloth Brain needs slicing…don't tell me you've done that, too?"
Harry nodded, looking far too smug for someone who'd recently had his hands on various gooey animal parts.
"I've spent a lot of time in this classroom for detentions; I already know all the worst tasks you can ask me to do."
'Severus thought maybe he ought to start switching up his detention strategies, just in case another one of his students ended up travelling to a parallel universe to torment an alternative version of himself.
"Fine," Severus said, pinching the bridge of his nose. "We'll be making Wiggenweld Potion this coming class, so collect the ingredients needed for it from the storage cupboard and bring them to the large table at the front. I can give you a spare textbook if you don't know what goes in it."
His lips curled as Harry's face flushed. "I might have said I wasn't great at Potions, but I'm pretty confident at handling first-year potions on my own."
"Prove it then," Severus smirked.
Harry froze for a moment, his eyes focused on Severus's mouth. Harry licked his lips, and all at once jolted back to his senses.
"Right on it, Sev." Harry gave him a mock salute before retreating to the storage cupboard.
"Don't call me, Sev," Severus snarled at his retreating back, before he realised he still had a ghost of a smile on his face. He corrected himself immediately; it wouldn't do for Harry or his students to see him doing such a thing.
His students because he didn't want them to think they could have a joke with him, and Harry because he didn't want him to know that he was already starting to grow on Severus.
><><><
"I'm coming, I'm coming," Severus grumbled, pulling his robe closed around himself as he wrenched the door to his private quarters open.
He should have known only Harry would dare to knock as incessantly at his door like that. Harry was wearing his true face now that curfew had passed for the students, and it always took Severus aback slightly to be reminded just how vibrant his eyes were.
"What do you want?"
"Hello to you, too," Harry greeted, pulling a bottle of Firewhisky halfway from his pocket. "Do you want a glass?"
"It's against the rules for staff to carry alcohol in places students can access," Severus said, though he made no move to close his door.
"I guess you'll have to invite me in, then," Harry replied, grinning. He stepped through without waiting for permission, but Severus didn't think Harry would have accepted no for an answer anyway.
"We're not drinking that swill," Severus said, moving over to his small kitchenette. "Muggle whisky is far superior. Is it even safe for you to drink?"
Harry looked surprised, as though he hadn't expected Severus to remember that alcohol had led to Harry's previous breakdown.
"I can have two or three glasses," he said with a shrug. "Besides, I'm here for the company, really."
Severus sighed as he set down two whiskey tumblers and filled them halfway with Scotch.
"I still fail to see why you insist on choosing to spend your time with me," Severus said as he took a seat opposite Harry. "I'm not a very likeable person, and I prefer it that way."
Harry picked up his glass, and spun it between his fingers slowly. "You can't tell me that the loneliness doesn't overwhelm you sometimes? Or that the reason you like people to be intimidated by you is because you're scared to let someone close again?"
Severus felt a strange combination of appreciation and blind fury coursing through him at the same time.
"I do quite think that's none of your business. I-"
"You showed me your memories," Harry cut in. "And I saw your worst memory once, by mistake. I never apologised for that, and I should have done but you were dead by the time I realised it was the right thing to do. But I know how much my mother meant to you, and how much it hurt you that she started to become charmed by the man who made your life hell."
"Y-you saw that?" Severus asked, his voice but a hush. "Yet you still want to befriend the man who treated your mother like dirt?"
"You did it because it hurt less to make her hate you," Harry answered, shrugging as though it didn't matter, when really it mattered more than anything to Severus. "You were wrong to call her what you did, and I don't blame her for refusing to forgive you, but I can still understand why you did it. Both of us pushed away the people we loved, because the pain inside of us was so deep; I don't know of anybody but you who could understand that. Well, maybe Dumbledore, but I don't really want to hang out with a man old enough to be my grandad."
"So you want to be my friend because you think we're equally as broken on the inside?"
"Do you disagree?" Harry asked, giving him a pointed look.
Severus shook his head. It was true that Severus had learned to make people hate him before they even got to know him, because then he'd never have to worry about gaining their friendship only to ruin it later. It also meant he never had to worry about being judged by people, because they could never get close enough to do so; being disliked made him feel safe.
Now, here was the son of the only person who'd ever been truly kind to him, telling Severus not only did he know the worst parts of him, he wanted to spend time with him because of that.
Part of Severus longed to throw Harry out and scream at him never to come back, and demand that Dumbledore fire him or else lose Severus as Potions Master. Then he could go back to hiding within himself, miserable but safe in the lonely world he had created. Then there was the other part of him, the part that wanted to clutch onto Harry's warmth and never let it go. At first he thought it was simply because Harry was Lily's son, but as annoying as Harry could be, he also had a wicked sense of humour, wasn't afraid to speak up to defend others, and had genuine warmth and compassion within him.
"Fine," Severus finally said. "If you wish for us to be friends, then I'll no longer fight your attempts to get to know me."
Harry grinned.
><><><
It was as they patrolled Hogsmeade supervising the student visit one chilly November weekend, that Severus found himself in a terrible predicament.
"So did you love my mother, or were you in love with her?"
Severus turned to look at Harry, hoping that he was masking his surprise. Harry rarely spoke about either of his parents, or even about the world he came from at all. On the uncommon occasions Harry did ask him about Lily, he always looked vaguely guilty for bringing up her name, and thanked him softly for answering questions about her.
Though on the one hand speaking about his deceased mother no doubt was painful to Harry, he also seemed to consider Severus's feelings about it, too. It was strange, having someone actually think about how their actions might affect Severus; nobody ever thought to do that aside from Lily until she dropped him as a friend.
"I loved Lily deeply, but never as more than a friend," Severus answered, hoping his voice didn't sound as strained as it felt to talk about Lily. "Voldemort believed my feelings were sexual in nature, but that was never the case."
Harry shook his head. "Voldemort could never understand love; that was his biggest weakness. I pitied him as much as I despised him. Do you have a girlfriend?"
"Definitely not," Severus said with a snort of laughter. And because he felt safe saying so in front of Harry, knowing Harry wouldn't judge him for it, he added, "besides, I'm queer."
Harry's mouth opened in surprise, his eyes flashing in an oddly hopeful way before he masked his expression back to his usual one. "Oh, me too. Or, halfway, maybe, because I like men and women the same. Have you got a boyfriend, then?"
"Being bisexual doesn't make you any less queer," Severus countered. "Also, no, I don't have a boyfriend. I'm sure you've noticed that I'm not fond of people, and people aren't fond of me either."
"I'm fond of you," Harry said, grinning.
Severus rolled his eyes, albeit affectionately. "Yes, but you're a rather strange person. You spoke of despising Voldemort, but I can imagine you would try to save him, too, if you could."
"I did offer him a chance to feel remorse, but he wouldn't, or maybe even couldn't. The world is safer with him dead, but if Death had sent me back to when Voldemort was a child, I'd have adopted him and tried to show him kindness, so he'd maybe have had a chance."
Harry's words were spoken with such sincerity, and such compassion, that Severus almost wished Harry had been given the opportunity to try and mould Voldemort into a better human being, though Seveus couldn't imagine that ever happening; Voldemort was far too broken inside. But the fact that Harry would be so willing to try, even with the man who'd slaughtered his parents and almost succeeded in destroying their world, showed Severus that Harry was a better man that he could ever hope to be.
Harry was handsome, in a classical boyish way, Severus could never have denied that, but he had never been one to judge someone on their looks, whether ugly or beautiful. But Harry's heart made Severus want to pull Harry close and never let him go. If Harry would have him, Sever would be utterly devoted to him, but that would never happen; Severus was not a handsome man, his heart was bitter and angry, and he was prone to being cruel even when he didn't mean to be.
Severus had never been in love before, and never planned on doing so, but Harry had swept into his life and completely upended it. It left him in an awful predicament; he could either ignore his feelings and suffer the unrequited heartache while still keeping Harry by his side, or he could push Harry away and lose him entirely, but in doing so losing one of the only people he cared for him genuinely.
"Are you alright?" Harry asked softly. "Sorry, I shouldn't have brought any of this up."
"No, it's fine," Severus said, wincing as his voice came out strangled. He took a moment to collect himself, before speaking again. "I simply don't enjoy this kind of weather; see, it's beginning to snow."
Harry glanced upwards, a small snowflake landing on the end of his nose. Severus yearned to brush it off for him, but managed to keep himself still.
"Shall we get a drink somewhere?"
"In a room full of rowdy teenagers? I'd rather stay in the snow with a good heating charm."
Harry shook his head and laughed softly. "I was actually thinking of grabbing a bottle from Alarik's Winery and going somewhere a little more private. Didn't you always wonder where my father and his friends were going to when they snuck out at the full moon?"
Lingering teenager curiosity immediately leapt to accept the opportunity, and he nodded eagerly, consequences be damned.
><><><
The Shrieking Shack was not where Severus expected Harry to lead them, but somehow it also seemed an obvious place to keep a werewolf stashed away.
The inside of it was dusty and smelt of rotting wood, and the walls and furniture were tattered and torn, littered with jagged claw marks. Despite the state of it, Harry crossed to the torn sofa in the centre of the room they were in and plonked himself into one of the seats, causing a bloom of dust to erupt around him. He patted the seat next to him invitingly, causing Severus to grimace.
"Unlike you, I actually care about my clothes," Severus muttered, casting a thorough cleaning charm on the sofa before taking a seat gingerly, half expecting it to collapse under his weight.
"I think Dumbledore reinforced everything in here to be able to handle a werewolf and three Animagi," Harry grinned, noting Severus's awkward positioning. Severus, however, was distracted from thoughts of furniture by the recent revelation.
"What?! Lupin's friends were Animagi? Since when?!"
Harry's grin turned sheepish. "I guess you didn't know that detail, then. But uh, yeah, once they found out Remus was a werewolf early on in their Hogwarts years, they trained to become Animagi to help him. My dad was a stag, Sirius a dog, and Pettigrew a rat."
"Bastards," Severus muttered darkly, before an amusing thought struck him, causing his lips to curl. "Black is a mutt, then? That's excellent. None of them thought anything of Pettigrew's Animagus form being a creature that represents betrayal?"
"No, they all trusted him completely. He must have been different as a teenager, though, because to me he always seemed like a pathetic, cowardly man. I don't want to talk about them, though. Shall we open the wine?"
Severus grabbed two pieces of wooden debris and transfigured them into wine glasses, not quite as perfectly as Minerva would have managed but otherwise safe to drink from. Harry poured them halfway full with the red wine that Severus had selected; Harry clearly knew nothing about how to choose wine.
Severus, on the other hand, knew which wines paired with which foods, and often enjoyed cooking meals with particular wines in mind. Cooking was rather similar to potion making, though less magical and generally less explosive, and it was a hobby he had never shared with anyone before. Perhaps he ought to invite Harry to his quarters and-no, that sounded too much like a date and he didn't want to offend.
"You know, I don't know if I've ever seen you smile," Harry said abruptly, fixing Severus with a pointed look. "You're also so serious."
"I smile!" Severus protested, but Harry just shook his head and grinned.
"No, you smirk-that's different. There's nothing wrong with not smiling if you don't want to, but I bet you have a really nice smile."
"What gives you that idea?" Severus asked wryly. "Most people think I look too stern for my own good."
"Well that's the point! If it takes a lot to make you smile, that means when you do it's got to be something really special that caused it. Like maybe if Dumbledore told you he was going to fire me as your assistant."
Severus snorted. "Don't let this feed your ego, but I find you quite tolerable as an assistant."
"Aww, I'm touched."
"With your help, I don't have to spend as much time dealing with all the brats."
Harry laughed loudly, his hand falling to Severus's knee, squeezing it gently. "That's the Severus I know."
Harry lifted his hand, but Severus could still feel his touch there, burning through the fabric of his robe in the most pleasant way. He wondered what it would feel like to have Harry's hands under his clothes; what it would be like to touch Harry in return.
He glanced towards Harry, taken aback at the blazing stare Harry was fixing him with. He'd pulled his lower lip between his teeth, bruising the tender skin as he looked away and then back again, inching his body closer to Severus. He tiled his head, as if he was going to lean in for a kiss.
"Severus, I-"
Panic surged through him as Harry moved even closer, his heart pounding in his chest. This couldn't be happening, because things like this didn't happen to him. Severus was a lonely man, a hated man, and he always would be. If he let Harry close, it would only be a matter of time before he did something to hurt Harry irreparably, the way he'd done to Lily.
He jumped to his feet, spilling wine over both their robes. He paid no mind, body simply thrumming with the desire to be out of there. Harry looked at him in concern, but when he opened his mouth to ask about him, Severus cut him off before he could speak, not wanting to hear what Harry was going to say.
"I need to go," he stated simply, twirling and Disapparating on the spot, leaving a confused looking Harry behind.
><><><
Severus took great lengths to avoid Harry following the incident in Hogsmeade. During lessons he sent Harry on complicated jobs outside of the classroom, or asked him to assist the most difficult students so that he wouldn't get a chance to speak to Severus.
Outside of classes, Severus had taken to having meals in his quarters, and spent time either there or in his private potions lab. Harry had tried coming to both, but Severus had mostly ignored the pleas for his attention and simply snapped that he was working on important and complex potions which required his full attention. It wasn't a lie, either-working on complex potions was the easiest way for him to relax, when he could lose himself in the brewing process.
Harry wasn't the only one who had tried talking to him. Minerva, Filius, and even Hagrid had tried to check in on him but he pushed them away, too. The only person who'd got past his boundaries had been Dumbledore who'd had no ethical qualms about breaking down Severus's wards. He didn't try to speak to Severus though; he'd just smiled calmly while Severus had yelled at him about breaking into his private rooms, and then sat and read a book while Severus brewed. He'd have been lying if he said he didn't appreciate the silent company, but there was no way in hell he was going to let Albus know that.
It made his days long and lonely, but it was better this way. He should have known better than to let Harry into his life. He didn't need friends; he was better off alone. That's what people wanted from him, anyway, always turning away from him in anger or fear. He wasn't a likeable man, and he wasn't a good man, and better that Harry hate him now rather than letting him get even closer only to hurt him far more deeply. It was inevitable; that was just what Severus did, whether he wanted to or not.
He made it all the way to the Yule holidays without having to say more than a few words to anyone other than his students. Now most of them were home for the holidays and the castle was blissfully peaceful, the icy chill in the stone rooms a reasonable exchange for the lack of children.
He wasn't all too pleased when he received a note from Minerva inviting him to a Yule celebration for the staff in her quarters, an event she threw every year. He would have skipped it, but she explicitly wrote 'if you don't turn up at the agreed upon time, myself and Hagrid will come to your quarters to escort you to the event personally."
He knew from personal experience that Minerva wasn't bluffing. In his first year teaching he'd ignored the invitation, only to have an apologetic but unrelenting Hagrid all but carry him to the party at Minerva's request. He would have hexed the oaf, had Dumbledore not been in attendance.
The corridor outside Minerva's quarters was oddly quiet when he arrived at eight o'clock exactly, and Minerva had a parody of an apologetic look on her face when she opened the door. There was a look of mischief in her eyes, and Severus would have turned around and left had she not ushered him inside urgently.
"Severus! I'm so sorry but I accidentally sent you an invite with the wrong date on it! Poor Remy got a misdated one, too."
Severus glanced across the room, for the first time noticing Harry who had the same glint of mischief in his eyes as Minerva. If he hadn't been hiding himself away, he'd have been able to notice and prevent this formidable duo from becoming a thing.
"It's no harm, Minerva, I'll simply return to my brewing," Severus said, only to find himself dragged forwards by a surprisingly strong Minerva.
"Nonsense, I can't have you come all this way and let you leave empty-handed. Please, sit down and have a drink, I insist."
She spoke the words politely, but Severus knew she wasn't going to take no for an answer. Harry smiled up at him as he grabbed a glass from the table, and perched on the very edge of the sofa seat next to Harry.
"Oh, I'm late for a meeting with Albus!" Minerva cried. "If you boys will excuse me, I'll be a while but you're welcome to stay. Don't wait for my return if you wish to leave together, though, and if you really can't control yourselves long enough to leave, at least put a sock on the door handle outside."
Harry choked on his drink. Minerva thumped him on the back, smiling smugly. "Good night, boys."
Severus frowned, confused. "What did she mean?" he asked after they were left alone.
Harry's face was bright red as he looked at Severus. "If there's a sock on the door handle, it means the people inside are having sex."
"Salazar," Severus muttered. He threw back his drink, welcoming the burn. "What a dirty minx. Wait, why does she think we might have sex?"
Harry rolled his eyes. "Well you refused to talk to me, and I wanted to talk to somebody about us. Look, I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable by coming on too strong. If you don't like me romantically that's fine, you can just tell me and I'll move on. But I don't want to lose you as a friend so I'd rather you speak to me instead of avoiding me."
"It's not that I don't like you in that way," Severus said carefully. "I simply don't see how you can desire me in that way. All my life people have called me ugly, on the inside and the outside, and it's true. I can be needlessly cruel, and you could have any beautiful man or woman on your arm."
"I don't want anyone else," Harry said with a huff. "You're not ugly, for one thing. You might not fit the conventional image of a handsome man, but your features are uniquely yours. And yes, you can be a dick to people, but honestly, some of those people deserve it, and you're really quite witty. I might think you need to be a bit nicer to the students, but otherwise I actually find it funny when you comment on Trelwaney's clashing colours, or pull disgruntled faces when Dumbledore talks. I'm a bit of a dick, too."
"But you're so good. You wouldn't hesitate to help anyone, and hell, in your world you were willing to die to save everyone else. I'm selfish, and I deeply hurt the person I was closest to in the whole world, just because I was angry. Eventually I'll hurt you, too."
Harry sighed, glancing down before joining his hands with Severus's. Harry's hands were slightly smaller than his own, and they seemed to fit together perfectly. Harry budged and Severus gripped his hands tighter instinctively, afraid of suddenly losing that warm touch.
"You don't know that, and even if you did hurt me, why do you think that would make me run away? I've been through so much in my life that I can handle far more than you realise. Besides, you lash out at people because you carry so much loathing towards yourself, and it's not fair that you should have to live with that. You don't have to live with that. You can talk to me about it, or you can talk to a therapist who'll help you overcome it. I wish I'd realised that before I killed myself; it's weird, because once I was dead I realised that all of my problems were things that could have been fixed, but I was blinded to it. And you don't have to talk to anyone, if you don't want to, not yet, at least, but when you're ready. I'll be by your side, throughout it, if you want me there, either as a friend or more; I just want to be with you."
Severus swallowed, Harry's words weighing heavily on his heart. The pain he felt inside, and the guilt that ate away at him, had always felt like something he would have to live with. He'd never been able to imagine living without it, and hadn't even tried to imagine what that would be like. Maybe it would never go away, but maybe Harry was right, and he could unravel himself on the inside over time and heal from his mistakes. That was even if-
"You deserve happiness, Severus," Harry said softly. He dropped the charm that disguised his appearance, the flash of his emerald eyes catching Severus's attention first, as always. Severus didn't want to imagine a world where that green gaze wasn't part of his life anymore.
He raised his hands to Harry's face, gently cupping his cheeks. "Do you honestly think so? After all I've done, all I am, not only do you think I deserve happiness, but that I deserve it with you?"
Harry nodded softly. "More than anything."
Severus closed the gap between them, pressing his mouth to Harry's. Harry's lips were smooth and soft, and tasted like the finest wine, the sweetest honey. He deepened the kiss, pushing his tongue against Harry's, drinking in every part of him. Severus never wanted to let go.