Jaebum: Walk On Water
Title: Walk On Water
Rating: PG-13
Fandom: 2PM
Pairing: Jaebum focused
Word Count: 1067
Summary: The calls are always long distanced recently.
Notes: sobbing, i am sorry this is such unnecessary failure ):
walk on water
The conversations start out terse, awkward because the words you want to say are cluttered in your mouth. You want to say something comforting but all you can say is sorry over and over and over again. You want them to say something - anything - but it’s mostly it’s okay, it’s not your fault, over and over and over again.
They’re dull, nothing of substance. Just a pity party - always a pity party.
*
It becomes something of a habit for Taekyeon to call you at odd hours of the night. He’ll call you and you’ll both sit in silence, letting the air fill up the ocean between you. You’re not sure how much money you’ve both spent on silent conversations, but your mom pays for them and so does the company.
It becomes something of a habit for Chansung to call you in between his meals. He’ll talk about food and dried mangoes and his diet. Chansung tells you about his new workout schedule and in between his spiel you’ll tell him to adjust it this way and that. You’re not sure if Chansung hears you, but it’s nice that he called.
It becomes something of a habit for Junsu to call you right when he wakes up in the morning when he has the most inspiration. You listen to his thought process on the phone, while you lie awake in bed. Most of the time you’ll fall asleep on him but he doesn’t mind. He’ll stay on until you wake up and just when you’re about to apologize again, he’ll whisper his most precious thought that morning and hang up.
It becomes something of a habit for Wooyoung to call after practices. He’ll call and say that he can’t do it; he can’t do it because the parts are yours and not his. He’s close to tears every single time but you tell him he’s doing perfect, you tell him that no matter what you’re proud.
It becomes something of a habit for Nichkhun to call once a week. He doesn’t call as often as the others but he calls nonetheless. Your conversations are heated because Nichkhun likes to push your buttons, likes to tell you things the others don’t. Nichkhun says you’re an idiot, demands for you to get your head screwed on straight but you’re too blind to see what he’s talking about. Your head is too far gone for what he wants.
It becomes something of a habit for Junho to call before bed. You always dread his calls the most. He understands that you’re taking responsibility but god, he wants you to tell responsibility to fuck itself. He wants you to throw it away and just come back because he misses you so fucking much, so fucking much that he chokes on the words. You tell Junho this isn’t like him, you point out all the obvious things so often that Junho hangs up.
It becomes something of a habit for you to not call Korea. You’re too scared.
*
It’s Nichkhun calling this time.
“Why did you call them?”
“Call who?”
“Headquarters. Management. JYPE - don’t play stupid.”
“I wanted to know the status of my contract,” you tell him sighing. “Why?”
“Yeah? ‘Cause I heard differently.”
“What do you mean?”
“I heard you called ‘cause you’re terminating your contract with them.”
“I - Khun - listen, don’t think-”
“Don’t think what, Jay? Don’t fucking think what?”
You sigh heavily. This conversation’s not going to be like the others, he’s angrier than usual.
“Khun, I was just asking how much I’d have to pay if that’s what I was going to do.”
“Why? You’re coming back, Jay.”
“I … it was just a thought.”
*
“So, that’s it?” Taekyeon yells at you. “That’s it? That’s all you’re going to do - that’s it!”
You rub the bridge of your nose with your thumb and index finger. “Yeah. I guess so.”
“Are you stupid? Are you that fucking stupid?”
“Taekyeon, you’re not helping-”
“Of course I’m not helping, moron. How can you be this - this - this stupid!”
“Can you calm down for one goddamn second to let me explain? Fuck, Taek, you talk too much just let me-”
“I’m not going to shut up!” Taekyeon yells and you pull the phone away from your ear. “Why are you losing hope? Damn it, Jay, have you seen what they’ve done for you? Have you heard their chants? Do you have any idea how much blood, sweat and tears they’ve fucking shed all in the name of Park Jae-”
“I’m not blind - yes, I’ve seen them. What do you want me to do, Taek? What in the fucking world do you want me to do? Why can’t you get it through your head that the decision isn’t in my hands any-”
“Then can you at least act like you give a damn!” Taekyeon shouts and you hear his voice start to crack. And goddamn it you wish you hadn’t heard because your voice is lost somewhere in between his anger and your guilt. “Act like you give a damn about the rest of us instead of just holing yourself up there and calling the company asking to quit.”
“Taekyeon … I don’t know what to say to you.”
“Jay, can’t you just-” he clears his throat and you wipe at your eyes - “if you’re not going to care can’t you just pretend?”
Oh fuck, you think, fuck fuck fuck fuck because his voice just got smaller, just got quieter and oh god, oh god, your heart is constricting - tossing in turning in your chest.
“Can’t you pretend just for now - pretend that you care about the rest of us?” Taekyeon asks and shit, you feel so guilty, so guilty. “I just - I just miss my best friend.”
*
You’re drowning, drowning, drowning, drowning because you can’t swim your way out of this. You can’t find the escape button anymore, can’t pull the plug and expect everyone to just shut up and leave you alone.
You want to go back … right?
You miss them … right?
You still love them … right?
But will you be able to -
*
It’s Jinyoung hyung this time.
“Jaebum-ah,” he starts, “there’s been a change of plans.”
You close your eyes, letting his words wash over you.
You’re not coming back. Not now … not ever.
Rating: PG-13
Fandom: 2PM
Pairing: Jaebum focused
Word Count: 1067
Summary: The calls are always long distanced recently.
Notes: sobbing, i am sorry this is such unnecessary failure ):
walk on water
The conversations start out terse, awkward because the words you want to say are cluttered in your mouth. You want to say something comforting but all you can say is sorry over and over and over again. You want them to say something - anything - but it’s mostly it’s okay, it’s not your fault, over and over and over again.
They’re dull, nothing of substance. Just a pity party - always a pity party.
*
It becomes something of a habit for Taekyeon to call you at odd hours of the night. He’ll call you and you’ll both sit in silence, letting the air fill up the ocean between you. You’re not sure how much money you’ve both spent on silent conversations, but your mom pays for them and so does the company.
It becomes something of a habit for Chansung to call you in between his meals. He’ll talk about food and dried mangoes and his diet. Chansung tells you about his new workout schedule and in between his spiel you’ll tell him to adjust it this way and that. You’re not sure if Chansung hears you, but it’s nice that he called.
It becomes something of a habit for Junsu to call you right when he wakes up in the morning when he has the most inspiration. You listen to his thought process on the phone, while you lie awake in bed. Most of the time you’ll fall asleep on him but he doesn’t mind. He’ll stay on until you wake up and just when you’re about to apologize again, he’ll whisper his most precious thought that morning and hang up.
It becomes something of a habit for Wooyoung to call after practices. He’ll call and say that he can’t do it; he can’t do it because the parts are yours and not his. He’s close to tears every single time but you tell him he’s doing perfect, you tell him that no matter what you’re proud.
It becomes something of a habit for Nichkhun to call once a week. He doesn’t call as often as the others but he calls nonetheless. Your conversations are heated because Nichkhun likes to push your buttons, likes to tell you things the others don’t. Nichkhun says you’re an idiot, demands for you to get your head screwed on straight but you’re too blind to see what he’s talking about. Your head is too far gone for what he wants.
It becomes something of a habit for Junho to call before bed. You always dread his calls the most. He understands that you’re taking responsibility but god, he wants you to tell responsibility to fuck itself. He wants you to throw it away and just come back because he misses you so fucking much, so fucking much that he chokes on the words. You tell Junho this isn’t like him, you point out all the obvious things so often that Junho hangs up.
It becomes something of a habit for you to not call Korea. You’re too scared.
*
It’s Nichkhun calling this time.
“Why did you call them?”
“Call who?”
“Headquarters. Management. JYPE - don’t play stupid.”
“I wanted to know the status of my contract,” you tell him sighing. “Why?”
“Yeah? ‘Cause I heard differently.”
“What do you mean?”
“I heard you called ‘cause you’re terminating your contract with them.”
“I - Khun - listen, don’t think-”
“Don’t think what, Jay? Don’t fucking think what?”
You sigh heavily. This conversation’s not going to be like the others, he’s angrier than usual.
“Khun, I was just asking how much I’d have to pay if that’s what I was going to do.”
“Why? You’re coming back, Jay.”
“I … it was just a thought.”
*
“So, that’s it?” Taekyeon yells at you. “That’s it? That’s all you’re going to do - that’s it!”
You rub the bridge of your nose with your thumb and index finger. “Yeah. I guess so.”
“Are you stupid? Are you that fucking stupid?”
“Taekyeon, you’re not helping-”
“Of course I’m not helping, moron. How can you be this - this - this stupid!”
“Can you calm down for one goddamn second to let me explain? Fuck, Taek, you talk too much just let me-”
“I’m not going to shut up!” Taekyeon yells and you pull the phone away from your ear. “Why are you losing hope? Damn it, Jay, have you seen what they’ve done for you? Have you heard their chants? Do you have any idea how much blood, sweat and tears they’ve fucking shed all in the name of Park Jae-”
“I’m not blind - yes, I’ve seen them. What do you want me to do, Taek? What in the fucking world do you want me to do? Why can’t you get it through your head that the decision isn’t in my hands any-”
“Then can you at least act like you give a damn!” Taekyeon shouts and you hear his voice start to crack. And goddamn it you wish you hadn’t heard because your voice is lost somewhere in between his anger and your guilt. “Act like you give a damn about the rest of us instead of just holing yourself up there and calling the company asking to quit.”
“Taekyeon … I don’t know what to say to you.”
“Jay, can’t you just-” he clears his throat and you wipe at your eyes - “if you’re not going to care can’t you just pretend?”
Oh fuck, you think, fuck fuck fuck fuck because his voice just got smaller, just got quieter and oh god, oh god, your heart is constricting - tossing in turning in your chest.
“Can’t you pretend just for now - pretend that you care about the rest of us?” Taekyeon asks and shit, you feel so guilty, so guilty. “I just - I just miss my best friend.”
*
You’re drowning, drowning, drowning, drowning because you can’t swim your way out of this. You can’t find the escape button anymore, can’t pull the plug and expect everyone to just shut up and leave you alone.
You want to go back … right?
You miss them … right?
You still love them … right?
But will you be able to -
*
It’s Jinyoung hyung this time.
“Jaebum-ah,” he starts, “there’s been a change of plans.”
You close your eyes, letting his words wash over you.
You’re not coming back. Not now … not ever.