The Ghost and Mr. Hummel (6/9)
“How did you die?” This was the question that Dave had been dreading. More than anything, he wanted Kurt to believe the lie he had been telling himself for the past few years - that it was a car accident, not a suicide.
Dave sat on the bed, Kurt sitting beside him, waiting expectantly for the truth.
“It was my last year of high school, senior year. All that ‘we’ll never forget each other’ crap was going on,” started Dave. “It was such a joke. I was just so ready to get out of there and go to college. All I could think about was finally being able to date, get laid, whatever I wanted to do, because I’d be out of this rinky-dinky town and none of it would bother anybody.
“Then I was approached by a guy, Rick. He was a year younger than me, but we had a few classes together because he was advanced. He came up to me one day and said that he knew I was gay, and I swear my heart stopped.” Dave’s eyes crinkled in amusement at the memory. “I had so many thoughts running through my head at that moment, I think I had started an elaborate plan to somehow bribe him with a blow job and high tail it to New York or Kentucky, I hadn’t picked which yet.
“He just wanted a kiss,” explained Dave. “He was gay too; he had been watching me, figured it out by how much I ogled guys I guess.” Dave chuckled for a second, remembering the bittersweet moment. “He wanted to have one genuine kiss with a guy before high school was over, and I agreed, because I wanted it so much as well. Not some meaningless peck from a girl, but a guy, y’know?” Dave’s voice cracked at the last part, startling him. Who knew even in death a voice could crack?
Dave didn’t dare look up to see Kurt’s expression. He knew it would be pity, and he just couldn’t deal with looking at that, and continued to tell his story, eyes staring at the recently vacuumed carpet. “It turned out kissing under the bleachers was kinda cliché. Some of the guys on the football team found us, kicked us around a bit. They swore to tell the whole school.”
“Dave…” started Kurt. “You don’t need to say anymore, if you don’t want to.”
“No, no, it’s fine,” said Dave. “Therapeutic, or whatever. Anyways, after several weeks of being bullied, through Facebook, school, and all, it got to be really hard. It got so bad, I was getting into fights all the time. My mom had ice packs stocked up in the fridge, waiting for me when I got home. She knew something was up, and she tried to ask me about it, but I blew her off, said it was just extra hard training before the big game.”
Kurt took a moment to process the information. He’d been bullied by his peers, even roughened up a bit, but it shook him to his core to imagine just how much pain Dave went through not only emotionally, but physically. He’d been shoved into lockers and dumpsters, but fights? That never happened, thanks to Finn’s occasional threats to the rest of the football team.
It just seemed so odd, Dave being so much bigger than himself, that they would even dare try to mess with the large jock. But then it occurred to him; the people beating Dave up were football players, hockey players-his friends.
Dave continued. “Then one day, I came to school and things were quiet for once, almost peaceful. It took only a few minutes to figure out why-Rick committed suicide the night before. All that time I was getting bullied, so was he. I hadn’t even talked to him, other than to pat him on the back after a slugging and say ‘just one more year, right?’” Sucking in a deep breath, Dave felt a heaving sob in his chest, and cried, “God, I was so stupid. If I had just realized what he was going through too…”
“You couldn’t have known. You were going through so much at that time too, it’s not like you were sitting idly by, watching this kid get harassed,” reasoned Kurt.
“It still doesn’t make it right.”
Kurt moved out his hand to rest it on Dave’s shoulder, only to stop a few inches from him. It was times like this where he desperately wished he could touch Dave, to hug him, or even to slap some sense into him, anything. But all he could do was try to reason with him.
“Dave, look at me.” Dave looked up, and Kurt could see tears staining his cheeks, running down the sides of his nose, and he marveled a little. He had never seen Dave this open, to the point of crying. “You can’t change what happened to Rick, there are no ‘what ifs’ or ‘maybes.’ You stuck your neck out for him, even if it was in small ways. Clearly you were getting into all of the fights, and if you hadn’t, maybe they would have assaulted him instead.”
“That’s still no excuse,” muttered Dave.
“Maybe not for you, but it’s not your fault and it never will be. Do you hear me? As long as I’m around, I’m telling you it’s not your fault. And when I say something, it’s the truth.”
Dave smiled, bemused. “Always the truth, huh? I guess I’ll just have to listen to you then.” Dave sniffed, his nose a little stuffy from the crying. “Ugh, this is so stupid. I shouldn’t have to need a tissue.”
Kurt reached over to his nightstand and pulled a tissue out of the box, holding it in front of Dave’s face. “I’m not sure if it’ll help you, but it’s the thought that counts?” asked Kurt.
“Yeah, I guess so,” mused Dave. They sat there quietly for a minute, drinking in the whole episode. Finally, Dave said “Thank you. For listening.”
Kurt smiled, and said “For you, anytime.”
It wasn’t long after his talk to Dave that Blaine started to notice how off Kurt was. He wasn’t being as attentive as he used to be, and Blaine had felt problems arise ever since their conversation about intimacy a while ago. He noticed that whenever he called Kurt to make a date, he would already have plans with Rachel, Mercedes, Tina. It hadn’t happened at the beginning of their relationship, but had picked up over the last few months, and it was worrying Blaine a little.
So finally, he decided to confront Kurt with the problem.
“Hey Kurt?” called Blaine. “Could you come here for a second?”
“Sure, just let me put that one belt over there…” said Kurt from inside Blaine’s closet.
Blaine had asked Kurt over to help him organize, a task he knew that would most definitely bring Kurt over quickly. Blaine was glad his idea worked, because before that Kurt was saying he was going out hang out with Finn-he didn’t even know that Kurt made so many plans with his brother, as it seemed they led entirely separate lives. He was just happy his closet could still snag his boyfriend, which as he thought about it, was rather sad.
“So what’s up?” asked Kurt, sitting on the edge of the bed with Blaine.
“I wanted to make sure that things were alright with you-with us,” clarified Blaine. “You’ve been distant lately; did I do something wrong?”
“No!” said Kurt quickly. “No, no, it’s me, I promise. It’s just…”
“It’s just what?” asked Blaine, curious.
Kurt sighed, leaning his head down. “It’s complicated.”
Blaine tilted his head, a little confused. “What’s complicated about it?”
“I’ve been trying to bring this up for a while now,” started Kurt. He felt a moment of dread, but pushed through it. “I just think we’ve lost the magic, or at least, I have. This relationship is more a friendship than anything else.”
Blaine sat there a moment, confused. “But isn’t that a good thing?” Blaine asked.
“Most definitely,” assured Kurt. “But when I’m with you, I’m happy like I am with Rachel, with my dad and Carol. It’s not a romantic love. It’s just…”
“…You’ve fallen out of love with me,” Blaine realized, a hint of sadness in his voice. Kurt felt an overwhelming amount of guilt in his stomach, and he knew if he looked up, he would see Blaine’s eyes getting misty with tears.
Kurt sighed, looking up from the carpet into Blaine’s sad eyes. “Yes.” Afraid to look at the hurt look on Blaine’s face, he pulled him into a hug, desperate to somehow console the damage he was creating. “It’s nothing you could have stopped; I’ve been dealing with this for the past few weeks, trying to come up with a way to tell you.” Rubbing circles into the fabric of Blaine’s sweater vest, he said, “I am so so sorry for this.”
Blaine sighed, cuddling his head into the crook of Kurt’s shoulder. “It’s not your fault, you can’t help your feelings, just like I still love you, and that will never change.” Kurt’s breath hitched, feeling even more guilt weigh down on him.
“I’m so sorry,” whispered Kurt.”
Blaine lifted his head, and tilted Kurt’s chin up. “Hey.” Kurt avoided looking into Blaine’s eyes, afraid that the second he did, he would start crying just out of pure guilt. “Look at me.” It took all of his strength to look up and not feel as if he just kicked a pile of puppies. “You realize that I’ll always love you, right? And you’ll love me, even if it’s not in the way I want. We’re going to be best friends forever.”
Kurt laughed brokenly, choking back a sob. “The dorkiest of best friends.”
“You bet your bippie,” said Blaine, a big grin on his face despite his watery eyes.
“Bippie? Really Blaine?” asked Kurt.
“You know I had to say it. If only to make you smile.”
“So when did this turn from me consoling you to you taking care of me?” Kurt asked.
“The second I realized this was probably going to hurt you more than me,” said Blaine. “I mean, yeah, I’m still upset, but it’s not like you’re leaving me forever. You’ll still be here to be my friend, organize my closet… Unfortunately we’re not going to keep the benefits?”
Kurt shook his head. “No, we’re going to be strictly friends.”
“Pity that, thank god for masturbation.”
“Blaine!”
“What? You know it’s true.”
“Maybe for you, you big perv,” teased Kurt.
“Uh huh, sure,” said Blaine. “Now why don’t you help me with the rest of my closet? I wasn’t kidding when I said I still had some clothes from middle school in there.”
“Alright, you don’t have to tell me twice!” Kurt got up to continue throwing away old ragged jeans from Blaine’s closet, when he turned around. “We’ll be okay, right?”
Blaine smiled, shaking his head fondly. “Of course, silly. We’ve made it through this much, why not this? Also, I’ll just hold your last Vogue magazine for ransom just in case.”
“It’s a deal,” said Kurt, grinning. “Now help me with this box back here, and let’s get to work!”