Fluidity
Name: Fluidity
Fandom: Super Junior
Pairing: Shindong x Heechul
Rating: 14+, non explicit sex and lots and lots of angst
Words: 2908
Notes: Originally prompted by the 100 Suju fic challenge, 90 Clean. It’s deviated greatly from what I originally intended it to be.
For stevenghost, of course. Half way through I intended on giving up on this and scrapping it altogether but she persuaded me to finish it and I’m glad that I did.
Shindong knows that Heechul would rather be hanging out with Kibum or Hankyung but he doesn’t care. The moments when Heechul seeks out his companionship brighten up his week. The small instances where they are able to talk and relax around each other is something that Shindong loves.
He knows that he’s not Heechul’s favourite but he doesn’t care. As long as he gets to spend lazy nights on the couch with Heechul he’s content.
“I’m gay,” Heechul says casually one night during dinner with the rest of the members.
Siwon gets that look on his face and Eunhyuk suddenly has soju rushing out of his nose and begins to choke. Hankyung asks Heechul in a calm manner to repeat what he just said.
“I’m gay,” he states again, his tone rising in annoyance. He glances around the room, the others are a mixture of disgust and shock.
“Do the managers know?” Eeteuk asks after an eerie silence.
“No,” he says finally.
“You shouldn’t let them know, then,” Kangin says as Yesung sits beside him and pushes his food around with his spoon.
“You can’t mess it up for the rest of us,” Siwon says cooly. Sungmin sits beside him and nods.
“Our reputation would be shot,” Kibum says calmly as he looks at Heechul.
The look on Heechul’s face breaks Shindong’s heart.
“That’s all you have to say?” Heechul asks bitterly. “All of you? That’s it?”
“It’s wrong,” Yesung replies.
Heechul throws his bowl of rice at Yesung before storming out of the room.
Nobody speaks of Heehcul’s statement, if they do, it’s not to Shindong. Heechul appears on TV and in magazines as if nothing’s wrong, but as soon as the cameras stop rolling he leaves. Nobody treats him badly but everyone is aware of the distance they put between themselves and Heechul.
“It’s not fair,” Shindong says one night to Donghae. “He’s our friend.”
Donghae shrugs. “He chose to live like that. It’s not our fault.”
Shindong feels himself become angry.
Shindong surprises Hankyung by stopping by one night.
“Oh, Shindong.” He’s half asleep but still smiles.
“I need to speak to Heechul.”
Hankyung looks worried but he lets Shindong in the apartment.
“He’s in his room,” he says, motioning to the general direction of Heechul’s room.
Heechul doesn’t answer when Shindong knocks but he lets himself in anyways. It saddens him to see the normally spunky and quick tongued Heechul quiet and forlorn.
He sits beside Heechul on the floor but the older male doesn’t look away from his computer.
“How are you doing?” Shindong asks quietly.
Heechul slowly turns his head, his eyes wide as he looks at Shindong. “How am I doing?”
“Yeah, how are you doing?” Shindong asks again.
Heechul is silent for a moment before a whimper escapes from his throat.
Shindong reaches out to Heechul and hugs the other tightly. He wants to cry himself when Heechul clings onto his shirt and begins sobbing. Shindong feels terrible.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers as he rubs Heechul’s back. “I’m so sorry.”
Heechul shakes his head and manages to speak between sobs, “I’m sorry. We’ll start a clean slate. We’ll forget that all of this ever happened and start new.”
Shindong tightens his hold on Heechul. “You don’t need to do that.”
“Yes, yes I do,” he says, anger rising in his voice. “Everybody hates me. They won’t talk to me. All they do is look at me. They look at me like I’m contagious and dirty and disgusting.”
“I don’t hate you.”
They fall into silence as Heechul begins to calm down. He pulls away from Shindong eventually, furiously wiping his red and swollen eyes with the sleeve of his sweater.
“They’ll come around eventually,” Shindong tries to reassure Heechul. “And I’m here for you.”
“You better be,” Heechul says with a slight smirk. Shindong laughs and holds his hand tightly. Heechul lets out a sigh and leans in and kisses Shindong softly on the cheek.
“Thank you.”
When it’s just the two of them Heechul is Heechul.
He laughs brightly and yells at the TV angrily. He complains about things that only he would complain about. Although neither of them talk about other members when it’s just the two of them things are finally normal.
They’re in Heechul’s apartment sitting on the couch watching some drama on TV. Heechul has his head in Shindong’s lap and the two are laughing at something only they understand.
“Yah. Yah! You’re not even listening to me,” Heechul says sharply.
“She’s about to be reunited with her long lost love who was in prison because he was wrongly accused of murder by her conniving cousin!” Shindong exclaims. The two are silent for a moment before they begin to laugh again.
Hankyung steps through the front door with a bag from the bakery down the street. Heechul becomes quiet.
Shindong knows that out of everyone Hankyung’s distant attitude hurts the most. Heechul and Hankyung had been so close, the two of them drinking together into the wee hours of the morning, simply enjoying each others company.
“I got some bread,” Hankyung says in that soft voice of his as he sets the bag down on the kitchen table. Heechul stares at him for a moment before turning his attention back to the TV. All Shindong can do is shrug as he sees Hankyung frown.
“You shouldn’t hang around Heechul like that,” Siwon tells him one day back stage.
Shindong half chokes on the ramen he’s eating.
“You two are really close,” Siwon continues. “People are starting to talk.”
“People are starting to talk?” Shindong can’t help but laugh. “You guys are already distancing yourself with me, the damage has been done. Eunhyuk is the only one that doesn’t treat me like a leper.”
“Hyung.” Siwon suddenly looks hurt.
“If me being friends with Heechul is such a concern to you then you’re a really crappy friend to begin with,” Shindong says as he stands up. “The way everyone’s treating him disgusts me.”
He walks away and doesn’t look back.
“Well, we were never close to begin with,” Eynhyuk says one day as him and Shindong are getting ready for another busy day. “And now that everything has gone to shit he’s always in a foul mood.”
“I know,” Shindong says with a sigh. “But you’re the only one that doesn’t have a problem with it. Just give him a smile or something.”
“Yeah, I can do that.” Eunhyuk pulls a shirt over his head. “I’m still surprised that he told everyone. He could have waited until we’re grown up and out on our own. You know, when we all go our own ways.”
Shindong frowns. “I can imagine that it would be hard to keep something like that inside.”
Eunkyuk gives Shindong an odd half smile. “No, it’s surprisingly easy.”
“You’re still my friend, I just can’t accept this.”
Heechul and Shindong are in the kitchen, both of them goofing off as they attempt to prepare a late night snack. Hankyung comes home and after an awkward silence the shit really hits the fan.
“You just can’t accept this?” Heechul asks, his voice low and angry. “This is me. Me! You can’t pick and choose which parts of me you’re friends with.”
“It’s wrong!” Hankyung says suddenly, his voice becoming louder. “Two men don’t belong together like that. Everyone knows it’s wrong, even you!”
The room is silent as Heechul raises his fist and goes to punch Hankyung. He misses by a hair and soon the two of the are on the floor, fists flying as they both try to take their anger out on each other. Shindong is soon in the middle, desperately trying to stop the two from doing something they may regret.
“Stop it!”
Heechul stills as he feels Shindong’s hand on his shoulder and Hankyung stops soon after.
“Hankyung,” Shindong says finally. He feels Heechul’s hand slip into his and he gives the older male a comforting squeeze. “You’re hurting him. He’s your friend and he trusted you, he trusted all of us, when he told everyone. You’ve betrayed his trust...”
“Don’t waste your words on him,” Heechul says with a bitter tone as he stands up. Shindong refuses to let go of his hand and stands up along with him.
Hankyung looks up at the two of them, his eyes wide. “Are you two...?”
“It doesn’t matter,” Shindong says cooly before turning his back to the Chinese singer. “Come on, hyung. Let’s go to my place, you can stay there for now.”
Heechul nods and they walk out of the room. Neither of them look back at Hankyung.
Neither Eeteuk or Kyuhyun say anything when the two arrive at the apartment. Heechul is quiet, his face swollen and his mind a mess as reality sinks in. Despite their conflict with Heechul both of their hearts ache when they see Shindong lead a silent and broken Heechul through the apartment and into his room.
Eunhyuk knocks on the door soon after, a bowl filled with hot water and a washcloth in hand. Words aren’t exchanged as he leaves them on the dresser table and exits the room, shutting the door behind him.
Physical damage is minimal. A bloodied lip and a swollen cheek, but Shindong is slow and gentle as he washes Heechul’s face. Halfway through Heechul begins to cry and Shindong halts his activities in order to console the older man. He can feel Heechul’s hands bunch up handfuls of his shirt as he leans his head against his shoulder, his cries becoming louder and louder.
Things seem to move in slow motion as Heechul brushes his lips against Shindong’s. Refusing to let go Heechul pulls Shindong closer, desperate to quiet his own cries against Shindong’s lips.
He tastes salty tears and knows he should pull back but he can’t.
The sex is slow and painful. Heechul continues to cry. He no longer cares and lets it all out, his eyes swollen and his cheeks wet as he feels Shindong move inside of him. Shindong is silent, his eyes shut tight as he holds onto Heechul.
For a moment, no matter how brief, Heechul reaches a state of bliss. His smile is broken but Shindong doesn’t care. He simply holds Heechul afterwards as he cries himself to sleep.
Shindong finds himself unable to sleep that night.
“He’s smiling more,” Eunhyuk says one day. “And you’re smiling less.”
Shindong sighs and looks away. This is the last thing he wants to talk about.
“He’s getting pretty good at it,” he continues on. “Pretending to be happy, I mean. And by doing that he’s driving you fucking crazy. Just forget about him, Shindong. Forget whatever happened between the two of you. It’s not doing you any good.”
“You don’t even know what happened,” Shindong says softly.
“I don’t need to know what happened. I already know enough. He’s twisting and turning into something you don’t like because of all these crazies around us. He’s not gonna change back into the old Heechul. Shit like that only happens in movies. Sometimes people just change for the worst.”
Shindong finally looks up at Eunhyuk. “I thought you said you weren’t close to Heechul? You certainly sound like you know him better than me.”
“I just know someone like him,” he replies with a shrug. “And trust me, he’s only going to send you into a self loathing hell. Drop him before it gets uglier than it already is. Everyone’s worried about you.”
“I’m not the one they should worry about,” Shindong grumbles.
“You’re too nice, hyung. Think about yourself for once.”
Shindong doesn’t want to hear anymore and he simply walks away.
Eunhyuk’s words have more of an impact on Shindong than he would have liked. He feels himself grow angry at Heechul. He begins to hate how Heechul avoids telling Shindong how he feels. He despises it when Heechul begins to laugh with the other members, pretending as if nothing had ever happened.
One day he snaps.
“Heechul, you’re ugly.”
Heechul jumps at the sudden words and in the process drops a mug filled with water onto the ground.
Shindong walks up to him, his heart crying as he looks at Heechul. He can tell that the pretending is wearing him out. His eyes have lost their sparkle and the lines around his mouth seem deeper. He’s lost weight and his skin doesn’t glow like it used to.
“Shindong, what the fuck is wrong with you?” Heechul spits out, more than surprised at the look on his hyung’s face.
“You smile too much.”
Heechul laughs suddenly. “I smile too much so I’m ugly? Shindongie...”
“I know you cry yourself to sleep some nights when you think I’m asleep.”
Heechul grows silent at this.
“You pretend you’re happy all the time... and for what? So things will go back to the way they used to be? You think you can just wish it all away?” Shindong’s voice wavers but he continues to speak. “You’re not Heechul anymore.”
“Oh, fuck you,” Heechul says suddenly, his anger rising. “You think you can lecture me? What the hell do you know about what I’m going through? You act like a good dongsang and comfort me in my time of need only so you can fuck me!”
“What? Heechul... What?” Shindong’s more than surprised at these words. That one night is something neither of them talk about.
“Why did you let me do that? Was it a pity fuck? Or are you some sick bastard that gets off on that sort of stuff, fucking me while I cry,” he spits. “I regret that night so much!”
Shindong can’t help but laugh at this. Both of them are almost yelling, ignoring the fact that they aren’t the only ones in the apartment.
“Thanks for letting me know that my love is regrettable,” Shindong growls. “I’m the only one that stayed by you and this is how you repay me? You shield yourself form me and pull away?”
“So that’s what they call it now, love?” Heechul rolls his eyes and goes to walk out of the room but Shindong grabs his arm. The two struggle for a moment before Heechul turns around to look at Shindong. “Yah! Let me go!”
“I fucking love you Kim Heechul and I hate watching you turn into an emotionless bastard!”
Heechul becomes still as Shindong holds onto his arm tightly. He’s sure to leave a bruise on the others arm.
“Everyone hates me,” Heechul says finally.
“I don’t.”
“...You’re not gay.”
“I am.”
“Bullshit.”
“Shit, what do I have to do to convince you?”
“Make them love me again,” Heechul says softly.
“I can’t do that.”
“Then you don’t love me.”
Shindong lets Heechul go and he sees the world blur before him before everything goes black.
The hospital ceiling isn’t quite white. It’s more of an off white with a yellow hint to it. It makes Shindong sick.
His first day in the hospital is uneventful. The doctors say something about stress and dehydration but Shindong doesn’t really listen. Nobody visits him on the first day.
He’s surprised when Eeteuk steps into the room on the second day.
“I brought some porridge,” he says, holding up a small container. “I know how hospital food is.” He sets the container down and sits on the edge of the bed. “I’m sorry.”
“I didn’t expect to see you here,” Shindong says quietly. He ignores the apology, there’s too many bitter feelings inside him, he can’t accept it.
“I’ve been a bad leader,” he says as he reaches out and touches Shindong’s face softly. He brushes some hair out of his eyes. “I’ve just been sitting back watching everyone fall apart.”
“It’s just me and Heechul.”
Eeteuk shakes his head. “We’re a family, everyone’s effected by this. Eunhyuk’s so angry lately and Siwon can’t get over his guilt for treating you two the way he did... I think you know how Hankyung is. He’s so desperate to patch things up with Heechul before he leaves for China.”
“And how’s Heechul?” he asks finally.
Eeteuk smiles. “He’s standing out in the hallway. He’s too afraid to come and see you.”
Shindong shakes his head sadly. “At least he still cares.”
“He never stopped. He just got lost for a while, that’s all,” Eeteuk says as he holds onto Shindong’s hand.
“I missed talking to you.”
“Me too.”
Heechul never visits Shindong in the hospital. Eynhyuk drops by later on in the second day, vague as ever as he talks about things that don’t really matter. Surprise catches Shindong when Sungmin visits him on the third day and the two hug and cry and Sungmin apologizes over and over.
They discharge him on the fifth day.
When he steps outside of the hospital he’s surprised to see Heechul sitting on a bench across the street.
“Yah! About time they let you out,” he says as Shindong walks over to him. Heechul still looks haggard but Shindong feels his heart flutter when he sees that familiar spark in his eyes.
Heechul holds out his hand and Shindong instinctively takes it.
“I love you,” Heechul says as he pulls Shindong over to him.
“Are you Heechul again?”
Heechul laughs and pulls Shindong in for a soft kiss.
Part Two, Interruptions→
Fandom: Super Junior
Pairing: Shindong x Heechul
Rating: 14+, non explicit sex and lots and lots of angst
Words: 2908
Notes: Originally prompted by the 100 Suju fic challenge, 90 Clean. It’s deviated greatly from what I originally intended it to be.
For stevenghost, of course. Half way through I intended on giving up on this and scrapping it altogether but she persuaded me to finish it and I’m glad that I did.
Shindong knows that Heechul would rather be hanging out with Kibum or Hankyung but he doesn’t care. The moments when Heechul seeks out his companionship brighten up his week. The small instances where they are able to talk and relax around each other is something that Shindong loves.
He knows that he’s not Heechul’s favourite but he doesn’t care. As long as he gets to spend lazy nights on the couch with Heechul he’s content.
“I’m gay,” Heechul says casually one night during dinner with the rest of the members.
Siwon gets that look on his face and Eunhyuk suddenly has soju rushing out of his nose and begins to choke. Hankyung asks Heechul in a calm manner to repeat what he just said.
“I’m gay,” he states again, his tone rising in annoyance. He glances around the room, the others are a mixture of disgust and shock.
“Do the managers know?” Eeteuk asks after an eerie silence.
“No,” he says finally.
“You shouldn’t let them know, then,” Kangin says as Yesung sits beside him and pushes his food around with his spoon.
“You can’t mess it up for the rest of us,” Siwon says cooly. Sungmin sits beside him and nods.
“Our reputation would be shot,” Kibum says calmly as he looks at Heechul.
The look on Heechul’s face breaks Shindong’s heart.
“That’s all you have to say?” Heechul asks bitterly. “All of you? That’s it?”
“It’s wrong,” Yesung replies.
Heechul throws his bowl of rice at Yesung before storming out of the room.
Nobody speaks of Heehcul’s statement, if they do, it’s not to Shindong. Heechul appears on TV and in magazines as if nothing’s wrong, but as soon as the cameras stop rolling he leaves. Nobody treats him badly but everyone is aware of the distance they put between themselves and Heechul.
“It’s not fair,” Shindong says one night to Donghae. “He’s our friend.”
Donghae shrugs. “He chose to live like that. It’s not our fault.”
Shindong feels himself become angry.
Shindong surprises Hankyung by stopping by one night.
“Oh, Shindong.” He’s half asleep but still smiles.
“I need to speak to Heechul.”
Hankyung looks worried but he lets Shindong in the apartment.
“He’s in his room,” he says, motioning to the general direction of Heechul’s room.
Heechul doesn’t answer when Shindong knocks but he lets himself in anyways. It saddens him to see the normally spunky and quick tongued Heechul quiet and forlorn.
He sits beside Heechul on the floor but the older male doesn’t look away from his computer.
“How are you doing?” Shindong asks quietly.
Heechul slowly turns his head, his eyes wide as he looks at Shindong. “How am I doing?”
“Yeah, how are you doing?” Shindong asks again.
Heechul is silent for a moment before a whimper escapes from his throat.
Shindong reaches out to Heechul and hugs the other tightly. He wants to cry himself when Heechul clings onto his shirt and begins sobbing. Shindong feels terrible.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers as he rubs Heechul’s back. “I’m so sorry.”
Heechul shakes his head and manages to speak between sobs, “I’m sorry. We’ll start a clean slate. We’ll forget that all of this ever happened and start new.”
Shindong tightens his hold on Heechul. “You don’t need to do that.”
“Yes, yes I do,” he says, anger rising in his voice. “Everybody hates me. They won’t talk to me. All they do is look at me. They look at me like I’m contagious and dirty and disgusting.”
“I don’t hate you.”
They fall into silence as Heechul begins to calm down. He pulls away from Shindong eventually, furiously wiping his red and swollen eyes with the sleeve of his sweater.
“They’ll come around eventually,” Shindong tries to reassure Heechul. “And I’m here for you.”
“You better be,” Heechul says with a slight smirk. Shindong laughs and holds his hand tightly. Heechul lets out a sigh and leans in and kisses Shindong softly on the cheek.
“Thank you.”
When it’s just the two of them Heechul is Heechul.
He laughs brightly and yells at the TV angrily. He complains about things that only he would complain about. Although neither of them talk about other members when it’s just the two of them things are finally normal.
They’re in Heechul’s apartment sitting on the couch watching some drama on TV. Heechul has his head in Shindong’s lap and the two are laughing at something only they understand.
“Yah. Yah! You’re not even listening to me,” Heechul says sharply.
“She’s about to be reunited with her long lost love who was in prison because he was wrongly accused of murder by her conniving cousin!” Shindong exclaims. The two are silent for a moment before they begin to laugh again.
Hankyung steps through the front door with a bag from the bakery down the street. Heechul becomes quiet.
Shindong knows that out of everyone Hankyung’s distant attitude hurts the most. Heechul and Hankyung had been so close, the two of them drinking together into the wee hours of the morning, simply enjoying each others company.
“I got some bread,” Hankyung says in that soft voice of his as he sets the bag down on the kitchen table. Heechul stares at him for a moment before turning his attention back to the TV. All Shindong can do is shrug as he sees Hankyung frown.
“You shouldn’t hang around Heechul like that,” Siwon tells him one day back stage.
Shindong half chokes on the ramen he’s eating.
“You two are really close,” Siwon continues. “People are starting to talk.”
“People are starting to talk?” Shindong can’t help but laugh. “You guys are already distancing yourself with me, the damage has been done. Eunhyuk is the only one that doesn’t treat me like a leper.”
“Hyung.” Siwon suddenly looks hurt.
“If me being friends with Heechul is such a concern to you then you’re a really crappy friend to begin with,” Shindong says as he stands up. “The way everyone’s treating him disgusts me.”
He walks away and doesn’t look back.
“Well, we were never close to begin with,” Eynhyuk says one day as him and Shindong are getting ready for another busy day. “And now that everything has gone to shit he’s always in a foul mood.”
“I know,” Shindong says with a sigh. “But you’re the only one that doesn’t have a problem with it. Just give him a smile or something.”
“Yeah, I can do that.” Eunhyuk pulls a shirt over his head. “I’m still surprised that he told everyone. He could have waited until we’re grown up and out on our own. You know, when we all go our own ways.”
Shindong frowns. “I can imagine that it would be hard to keep something like that inside.”
Eunkyuk gives Shindong an odd half smile. “No, it’s surprisingly easy.”
“You’re still my friend, I just can’t accept this.”
Heechul and Shindong are in the kitchen, both of them goofing off as they attempt to prepare a late night snack. Hankyung comes home and after an awkward silence the shit really hits the fan.
“You just can’t accept this?” Heechul asks, his voice low and angry. “This is me. Me! You can’t pick and choose which parts of me you’re friends with.”
“It’s wrong!” Hankyung says suddenly, his voice becoming louder. “Two men don’t belong together like that. Everyone knows it’s wrong, even you!”
The room is silent as Heechul raises his fist and goes to punch Hankyung. He misses by a hair and soon the two of the are on the floor, fists flying as they both try to take their anger out on each other. Shindong is soon in the middle, desperately trying to stop the two from doing something they may regret.
“Stop it!”
Heechul stills as he feels Shindong’s hand on his shoulder and Hankyung stops soon after.
“Hankyung,” Shindong says finally. He feels Heechul’s hand slip into his and he gives the older male a comforting squeeze. “You’re hurting him. He’s your friend and he trusted you, he trusted all of us, when he told everyone. You’ve betrayed his trust...”
“Don’t waste your words on him,” Heechul says with a bitter tone as he stands up. Shindong refuses to let go of his hand and stands up along with him.
Hankyung looks up at the two of them, his eyes wide. “Are you two...?”
“It doesn’t matter,” Shindong says cooly before turning his back to the Chinese singer. “Come on, hyung. Let’s go to my place, you can stay there for now.”
Heechul nods and they walk out of the room. Neither of them look back at Hankyung.
Neither Eeteuk or Kyuhyun say anything when the two arrive at the apartment. Heechul is quiet, his face swollen and his mind a mess as reality sinks in. Despite their conflict with Heechul both of their hearts ache when they see Shindong lead a silent and broken Heechul through the apartment and into his room.
Eunhyuk knocks on the door soon after, a bowl filled with hot water and a washcloth in hand. Words aren’t exchanged as he leaves them on the dresser table and exits the room, shutting the door behind him.
Physical damage is minimal. A bloodied lip and a swollen cheek, but Shindong is slow and gentle as he washes Heechul’s face. Halfway through Heechul begins to cry and Shindong halts his activities in order to console the older man. He can feel Heechul’s hands bunch up handfuls of his shirt as he leans his head against his shoulder, his cries becoming louder and louder.
Things seem to move in slow motion as Heechul brushes his lips against Shindong’s. Refusing to let go Heechul pulls Shindong closer, desperate to quiet his own cries against Shindong’s lips.
He tastes salty tears and knows he should pull back but he can’t.
The sex is slow and painful. Heechul continues to cry. He no longer cares and lets it all out, his eyes swollen and his cheeks wet as he feels Shindong move inside of him. Shindong is silent, his eyes shut tight as he holds onto Heechul.
For a moment, no matter how brief, Heechul reaches a state of bliss. His smile is broken but Shindong doesn’t care. He simply holds Heechul afterwards as he cries himself to sleep.
Shindong finds himself unable to sleep that night.
“He’s smiling more,” Eunhyuk says one day. “And you’re smiling less.”
Shindong sighs and looks away. This is the last thing he wants to talk about.
“He’s getting pretty good at it,” he continues on. “Pretending to be happy, I mean. And by doing that he’s driving you fucking crazy. Just forget about him, Shindong. Forget whatever happened between the two of you. It’s not doing you any good.”
“You don’t even know what happened,” Shindong says softly.
“I don’t need to know what happened. I already know enough. He’s twisting and turning into something you don’t like because of all these crazies around us. He’s not gonna change back into the old Heechul. Shit like that only happens in movies. Sometimes people just change for the worst.”
Shindong finally looks up at Eunhyuk. “I thought you said you weren’t close to Heechul? You certainly sound like you know him better than me.”
“I just know someone like him,” he replies with a shrug. “And trust me, he’s only going to send you into a self loathing hell. Drop him before it gets uglier than it already is. Everyone’s worried about you.”
“I’m not the one they should worry about,” Shindong grumbles.
“You’re too nice, hyung. Think about yourself for once.”
Shindong doesn’t want to hear anymore and he simply walks away.
Eunhyuk’s words have more of an impact on Shindong than he would have liked. He feels himself grow angry at Heechul. He begins to hate how Heechul avoids telling Shindong how he feels. He despises it when Heechul begins to laugh with the other members, pretending as if nothing had ever happened.
One day he snaps.
“Heechul, you’re ugly.”
Heechul jumps at the sudden words and in the process drops a mug filled with water onto the ground.
Shindong walks up to him, his heart crying as he looks at Heechul. He can tell that the pretending is wearing him out. His eyes have lost their sparkle and the lines around his mouth seem deeper. He’s lost weight and his skin doesn’t glow like it used to.
“Shindong, what the fuck is wrong with you?” Heechul spits out, more than surprised at the look on his hyung’s face.
“You smile too much.”
Heechul laughs suddenly. “I smile too much so I’m ugly? Shindongie...”
“I know you cry yourself to sleep some nights when you think I’m asleep.”
Heechul grows silent at this.
“You pretend you’re happy all the time... and for what? So things will go back to the way they used to be? You think you can just wish it all away?” Shindong’s voice wavers but he continues to speak. “You’re not Heechul anymore.”
“Oh, fuck you,” Heechul says suddenly, his anger rising. “You think you can lecture me? What the hell do you know about what I’m going through? You act like a good dongsang and comfort me in my time of need only so you can fuck me!”
“What? Heechul... What?” Shindong’s more than surprised at these words. That one night is something neither of them talk about.
“Why did you let me do that? Was it a pity fuck? Or are you some sick bastard that gets off on that sort of stuff, fucking me while I cry,” he spits. “I regret that night so much!”
Shindong can’t help but laugh at this. Both of them are almost yelling, ignoring the fact that they aren’t the only ones in the apartment.
“Thanks for letting me know that my love is regrettable,” Shindong growls. “I’m the only one that stayed by you and this is how you repay me? You shield yourself form me and pull away?”
“So that’s what they call it now, love?” Heechul rolls his eyes and goes to walk out of the room but Shindong grabs his arm. The two struggle for a moment before Heechul turns around to look at Shindong. “Yah! Let me go!”
“I fucking love you Kim Heechul and I hate watching you turn into an emotionless bastard!”
Heechul becomes still as Shindong holds onto his arm tightly. He’s sure to leave a bruise on the others arm.
“Everyone hates me,” Heechul says finally.
“I don’t.”
“...You’re not gay.”
“I am.”
“Bullshit.”
“Shit, what do I have to do to convince you?”
“Make them love me again,” Heechul says softly.
“I can’t do that.”
“Then you don’t love me.”
Shindong lets Heechul go and he sees the world blur before him before everything goes black.
The hospital ceiling isn’t quite white. It’s more of an off white with a yellow hint to it. It makes Shindong sick.
His first day in the hospital is uneventful. The doctors say something about stress and dehydration but Shindong doesn’t really listen. Nobody visits him on the first day.
He’s surprised when Eeteuk steps into the room on the second day.
“I brought some porridge,” he says, holding up a small container. “I know how hospital food is.” He sets the container down and sits on the edge of the bed. “I’m sorry.”
“I didn’t expect to see you here,” Shindong says quietly. He ignores the apology, there’s too many bitter feelings inside him, he can’t accept it.
“I’ve been a bad leader,” he says as he reaches out and touches Shindong’s face softly. He brushes some hair out of his eyes. “I’ve just been sitting back watching everyone fall apart.”
“It’s just me and Heechul.”
Eeteuk shakes his head. “We’re a family, everyone’s effected by this. Eunhyuk’s so angry lately and Siwon can’t get over his guilt for treating you two the way he did... I think you know how Hankyung is. He’s so desperate to patch things up with Heechul before he leaves for China.”
“And how’s Heechul?” he asks finally.
Eeteuk smiles. “He’s standing out in the hallway. He’s too afraid to come and see you.”
Shindong shakes his head sadly. “At least he still cares.”
“He never stopped. He just got lost for a while, that’s all,” Eeteuk says as he holds onto Shindong’s hand.
“I missed talking to you.”
“Me too.”
Heechul never visits Shindong in the hospital. Eynhyuk drops by later on in the second day, vague as ever as he talks about things that don’t really matter. Surprise catches Shindong when Sungmin visits him on the third day and the two hug and cry and Sungmin apologizes over and over.
They discharge him on the fifth day.
When he steps outside of the hospital he’s surprised to see Heechul sitting on a bench across the street.
“Yah! About time they let you out,” he says as Shindong walks over to him. Heechul still looks haggard but Shindong feels his heart flutter when he sees that familiar spark in his eyes.
Heechul holds out his hand and Shindong instinctively takes it.
“I love you,” Heechul says as he pulls Shindong over to him.
“Are you Heechul again?”
Heechul laughs and pulls Shindong in for a soft kiss.
Part Two, Interruptions→