Fic: Waiting for My Real Life to Begin 4/? -- Jared/Jensen AU -- NC-17
Title: Waiting for My Real Life to Begin 4/?
Fandom: CW RPS
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Rating: NC-17
Summary: A Christmas break interlude. A 6,000-word interlude. What?
Word Count: 6,181
Disclaimer: This is fiction, not real.
Notes/Warnings. This was written on a whim, unplanned and (as of yet) unfinished.
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
After a week of sleeping late, hanging out with old friends that he doesn't have much in common with anymore, and eating his mama's cooking, Jared's a little bored. He texts Jensen. I'm bored.
He doesn't get a response right away and sits on the couch with his feet up on the coffee table, flipping through channel after channel without even really watching anything.
His phone beeps and he picks it up. Jensen's texted him back. my family makes me want to kill myself
Jared laughs. it's down the block not across the street.
thanks for your support
any time
He settles on a cooking show and watches for a while. It makes him hungry for bruschetta and he thinks it looks easy enough that even he could make it. He's too lazy to actually look and see if they have things like fresh tomatoes in the kitchen, though, and going to the store would mean having to shower, so he just sits on the couch and gets hungrier.
I want bruschetta he texts Jensen.
I want a world where soft rock is a crime Jensen texts back.
Jared laughs and shakes his head. He scrolls through his address book, finds Jensen's number and hits Send.
"Seriously," is what Jensen says when he answers the phone. "Islands in the Stream is just wrong."
"Kenny Rogers is never wrong," Jared says.
"I think Buy Me a Rose proves otherwise."
"You're wounding me here," Jared says. He starts to croon, "Buy me a rose, call me from work, open a door for me, what would it hurt?" He's a little impressed that he actually remembers the words.
"Did you call me just to torture me with your singing?"
"How can you hate a song about all the little things that show you love somebody?"
"Because it sucks."
Jared laughs and turns off the TV. He stretches out on the couch. "Next you're going to tell me you hate Alabama."
Jensen groans. "Seriously, man, we have to improve your taste in music."
"Alabama!" Jared cries. "Play me that mountain music!"
"Yeah," Jensen says grudgingly. "Yeah, OK, that's a good song, but I'm burning all your Trace Adkins CDs when we get back to school."
"What? Why?"
"Because if I have to hear Honky Tonk Badonkadonk one more time I'm going to kill myself."
"You've been suicidal all day."
"Four hours of church will do that to a person."
"Four hours?" Jared asks. "What do you do at church for four hours?"
"Mostly sit there with my ass falling asleep. But on the upside, I now know in detail what the Bible says about magic and why it's bad."
"Huh." Jared's mama goes to Aldersgate United Methodist most Sundays, but Jared hasn't gone more than twice a year since he was confirmed. "What kind of church is it? I mean, are they OK with you being...um, gay?"
"Not really, no. But I'm not...I'm not really out. It's...my family...it's kind of complicated."
"You wanna talk about it?"
"Not especially."
"OK. I was watching cooking shows on TV and I'm starving."
"When aren't you starving?"
"I'm a growing boy," Jared says defensively.
Jared's missed the sound of Jensen's laugh. "You're already a giant."
"I can't help that I have good genes. Seriously, they were making this bruschetta with, um, that pork, that really salty pork that you slice thin?"
"Prosciutto," says Jensen.
"Yeah! That! It was, like, toasted bread and garlic and tomatoes and, God, I'm starving."
"Go make yourself something to eat."
"I don't wanna get up."
"So lay there and die of starvation."
Jared sighs and levers himself up off the couch. He chatters on as he digs through the kitchen looking for ingredients. They have fresh tomatoes but not fresh garlic or basil. They have sliced bread but not French bread. Jared makes do, drizzles olive oil on the slices and sprinkles them with garlic salt and Parmesan cheese from a can before putting them in the oven.
He chops up the tomatoes and onions as he tells Jensen all about his little sister's new boyfriend. "...so my dad was like, 'OK, just don't say anything, either one of you,' so Jeff and me and my dad are sitting there in the living room with this kid, all of us just looking at him, none of us saying anything, and you could practically see the kid's panic rising--"
"You're fucking cruel," Jensen tells him.
"It was hilarious. I had to dig my nails into my palm to keep from laughing. Dakota--that's the kid's name, Dakota--he kept trying to make conversation and my dad would, like, grunt or give him one-word answers. Once he and Megan left, we laughed so hard I could barely breathe."
When he eats his makeshift bruschetta, it's so good and just what he was craving that he can't help but groan.
"You sound like you're in a food porn," Jensen tells him. "Which is remarkably unsexy."
"Have you seen a food porn?" Jared asks between bites.
"Just one. It was really messy. I couldn't figure out how they could get so turned on when they were getting, like, blueberry pie on the couch. You know that's going to stain."
Jared laughs loud and tells Jensen about the first porn he ever saw, a VHS tape swiped by one of his friends from an uncle. It was called Edward Penishands. "I swear," he says, grinning at Jensen's breathless laughter. "The guy had prosthetic cocks, like, taped over his hands and they were so fucking veined it was ridiculous. I may still be emotionally scarred."
After his afternoon snack, Jared goes back to the couch. He stares at the ceiling as he and Jensen talk about TV and movies and how seriously bad Revenge of the Sith sucked. When his family gets home from the mall, Jared waves at them and heads to his room, locking the door behind him.
"I can't handle the mall at Christmas," he admits. "I start wanting to punch people--like old ladies and infants and people in wheelchairs."
"Really? For some reason I pegged you as a shopping kind of guy."
"Normally I don't mind it, but this time of the year, I don't know, I think it's all those Christmas carols playing over and over again."
"Yeah. There's only so many times you can hear Feliz Navidad before you snap."
There's a sharp rap on Jared's door and then Megan's voice. "Are you talking to your girlfriend?" she demands in a loud sing-song.
Jared sighs. "My sister is five years old emotionally," he tells Jensen.
"Makes sense, since you're eight."
He laughs and goes over to the door where Megan's knocking incessantly. He yanks the door open and she grins at him. "Talking to your girlfriend, huh?" she asks.
"Maybe I'm talking to my boyfriend," he says. "You ever think of that?" He works hard to keep from smiling.
Megan shakes her head and says, "Oh," and then he laughs and shuts the door on her.
"Dude," says Jensen, "you just told your sister you were gay."
"No, I told her to consider the fact that I might be talking to a boyfriend instead of a girlfriend."
"And when she runs to your parents and tells them?"
"She won't. And even if she did, it wouldn't be a big deal."
"Huh," says Jensen. "Hey, we've been talking for hours and I think my ear might fall off. I'm gonna go get ready for dinner."
"Yeah," says Jared. "OK. Talk to you later, man." After he hangs up he sees that his phone is very close to dead so he plugs it in before wandering back out into the house to see what everyone else is doing.
Megan's sitting in the hall with her knees pulled up to her chest. She pops to her feet as soon as she sees Jared come out of his room.
"It was a joke, Meggie," he says as she opens her mouth to speak. "God."
"Don't call me that," she says, punching him on the arm. She punches him as hard as she can but it doesn't really hurt.
"Meggie," he repeats. He leans down quick and puts his shoulder to her stomach, grabs her arms and stands up so that she's draped over him in a fireman carry.
"Put me down you big jerk!" she cries, but she's laughing. "Mama! Make JT put me down!"
Jared walks down the hallway into the family room where his dad and Jeff are watching TV. His mother peeks in from the kitchen and sighs, a dishtowel in her hand.
"JT, put your sister down," she says with an exasperated smile.
"Catch," he says and flips Megan over, tosses her towards the couch where Jeff's sitting.
"JT has a girlfriend!" Megan crows as she pushes herself out of Jeff's lap and onto her own couch cushion.
"I actually don't," he says as he takes a seat in one of the armchairs.
"Then who were you on the phone with?"
"Jensen. My roommate."
"Oh, he's a nice boy," says Jared's mama. She's only met him once, when they transferred Jared's suitcases from Jensen's truck to the family van, but Jensen had been unfailingly polite, full of yes, ma'ams and that's right kind of yous, and Jared's mama has always appreciated polite.
"Is he cute?" Megan asks.
"Cuter than any guy you'll ever date," he says
"Mama!" Megan cries, snatching off her shoe and throwing it at Jared's face.
"Megan!" Jared's mama snaps. "JT!" she cries when he throws the shoe back at Megan. "Both of you, stop it!"
Megan springs forward, catching him off guard and knocking him and the armchair to the ground. Growing up with two older brothers has made her both tough and sneaky.
Jared howls with surprised laughter as he hits the ground. Megan's sneaky but she's not very strong, so not even her hardest punches hurt much except, oh, "Not the stomach!" he cries, pushing her off him easily.
Megan jumps back onto him, straddles his stomach and presses as hard as she can on his shoulders in an attempt to hold him down. "Is Jensen your boyfriend?" she asks in her most annoying tone. "He is, isn't he? JT has a boyfriend, JT has a boyfriend," she sing-songs. Sometimes, she really is five.
"Megan Padalecki you stop that this instant," their mama snaps. She yanks Megan right up by the ponytail. "That is no way to talk about your own brother."
"But--" Megan begins.
"I mean it. There's joking and then there's taking a joke too far, and that's nothing to joke about."
Jared winces. That sort of took the fun out of everything. He slides off the armchair, then lifts it back onto its feet before sitting in it again and waiting for supper.
The next day is Christmas Eve, which means driving from one grandparents' house to another. There are only so many hands of Kings in the Corner Jared can play before he wants to start banging his head against the wall.
He texts Chad. Christmas eve sucks
He doesn't get a response.
He texts Adam. Christmas eve sucks
Adam texts him back. hpy Hanukkah, btch
He texts Jensen. Christmas eve sucks
Jensen texts back. my cousins are playing bible verse trivia
I really hope that's a made up game
I so wish it were.
how do you play?
His phone rings a second later and he excuses himself to the spare bedroom to take the call. "Jensen?"
"OK," says Jensen, "this is how you play. One person flips through the Bible, finds a passage, tells you the book, chapter, and verse number, and whoever can say the verse gets a point."
Jared's silent for a moment. "And they play that for fun?"
"This is what I'm saying. What are you doing?"
"Hiding out in my grandma's spare room and avoiding another game of cards."
Jensen chuckles. "Heathens."
"I'll probably emerge once they switch to canasta."
Jensen snorts a laugh. "People still play canasta?"
"Dude, my grandma's cutthroat. When we're melding 120, if she can go out before anybody else has even laid down a card, she totally will."
"I'll just pretend I know what that means."
"OK. And, God, if one more person asks me what I'm majoring in I'm going to scream. How am I supposed to know what I want to major in? How the hell did you know you wanted to be a physical therapist?"
"I played some ball in high school, blew out my knee, needed physical therapy for it. It just seemed like a cool thing, I guess."
"That's a lot of school though, right? I mean, you have to go to grad school."
"Yeah."
Jared sighs and sits on the floor, leans back against the bed and it's crocheted coverlet. His grandma's house always smells weird, kind of stale and powdery. He doesn't know why he finds it comforting. "I don't think I want to go to grad school," he says. "I don't think I want to major in anything. I just...I don't know. Graduating and getting a job and working every day for the rest of my life, that's just...man. I'm depressing myself."
"It's the holidays. More people kill themselves at Christmas than at any other time of the year."
"Well, I'm not that depressed."
"Thank God. And seriously, Jay, you're a freshman. You don't have to decide what you're majoring in right away. You'll find it."
"I suppose," Jared says, picking at a tuft of shag carpeting next to his knee.
After a little while, Jensen lets out a weary sigh and says, "OK. Fine. Do it."
"Do what?" Jared asks.
"Sing to me. You know you want to."
He laughs.
"It's bubbling around in there, I know it. You've got some horrible pop gem just aching to burst free, so go for it."
Jared smiles and skims his palm over the tips of the carpet. "Well, now I'm on the spot."
"Come on. Sing me a song," Jensen prods. "How often am I actually willing to listen to you sing? You may never get this chance again."
Jared laughs. "No. That's OK. I'll save it for later."
"You sure?"
"Yeah. I should get back."
"Merry Christmas, Jay."
"Merry Christmas," Jared says.
Jared goes back to where his family's gathered and he and his grandmother pair up and kick some major canasta ass. He misses school and it's strange to be homesick for someplace that's not really home.
He can't sleep that night. He still feels sort of strange and melancholy, still misses his friends and wishes he were back with them even as he never wants to leave home. He tries thinking about all the presents he's going to get in the morning, tries to think about how much fun it will be to watch his family open the gifts he picked out.
He still can't sleep, so he slips out of his clothes and stretches out naked on top of his covers, slides his hands across his stomach and down between his legs.
His old fantasy standby, Julie Williams jerking him off on prom night, doesn't do much for him. He closes his eyes and thinks about it, remembers the smell of her perfume, remembers the way she'd kissed his neck over and over as she stroked him. It's not much more than a memory and the heat it provokes is merely lukewarm.
He sighs. He supposes he could try to go to sleep again, but now that he's started it, he wants to jerk off, wants to feel good, wants to come. The memory of Sandy's brush-off still stings but, Christ, her hand on his leg, rubbing up his thigh, her tongue in his mouth, that's better. He squeezes his cock, rubs his thumb over the slit, smiles as heat pools in his belly and his cock begins to grow.
He thinks about Sandy jerking him off instead of Julie. He imagines her small hand slipping between his legs right there in the car with Adam and Rachel in the front, imagines her kissing him, biting at his jaw, stroking him fast and hard.
He thinks about touching her, about sliding her skirt up and feeling how wet she is, slipping his fingers over her clit, making her gasp and moan. He thinks about her kissing him, kissing his neck, kissing her way down his chest and sliding down on the seat so she can take his cock into her mouth.
That's good. That's really good. His cock's so hard thinking about it, thinking about Jensen--no. Thinking about Sandy. He's thinking about Sandy sucking him off. Her pretty little mouth wrapped around him, her dark eyes gazing up at him, her...fuck.
Fuck. Jensen. He's shoving his cock into Jensen's mouth and Jensen's taking it, all of it, sucking him so fucking good, his mouth so hot inside, his tongue doing fucking amazing things. Jared might be a little bit in love with Jensen's tongue, with his pretty, fuckable mouth, with the way he'd moaned in pleasure just from sucking Jared, with the way Jared had felt the vibrations of that moan all through his body.
He's fucking Jensen's mouth and Jensen's looking up at him, grin in his eyes, wanting it so bad, wanting Jared's cock, wanting--fuck. Fuck, wanting Jared to come in his mouth and Jesus, Jesus that's it. Jared's coming hard in spurts across his belly thinking of the way Jensen had looked swallowing his come.
He comes so hard he's a little shaky and he slides his fingers through the come on his skin, laughing softly. Coming hard always makes him laugh a little bit, and that was the best orgasm he's had in a long time. He rolls onto his side and stretches out and sighs and floats in a post-orgasm haze.
Then he blinks and sits up and...huh. That was weird.
He reaches for the Kleenex on the nightstand, and cleans himself up. That was...OK. OK, so he just jerked off thinking about his roommate. It happens. He thinks it probably happens. It probably happens a lot if somebody's roommate had just given them their very first blowjob ever. It's not that weird. He's pretty sure it's not that weird.
He gets up and pulls on pajama bottoms and a t-shirt, pads down the hall to the bathroom where he cleans up a little better and splashes water on his face.
He looks at his reflection in the mirror. It's not like he looks any different. It's not like he would, he knows. It's not like he has to walk around with a neon sign flashing I Have Gay Thoughts. He's just...OK. He's being a hypocrite is what he's doing. He's totally OK with Jensen being all the way gay, so he should be OK if he himself has fleeting kinda gay thoughts. He's fine. It's normal. His junior high gym teacher said so during sex ed, said that sometimes a guy will think about another guy and that it didn't make you gay.
He's fine. He's normal. He's...really kind of hungry.
He's quiet as he slips out of the bathroom and into the hallway and he smiles when he sees that the floor around the tree is filled with presents his mama had put out after he'd gone to bed. He doesn't have to look to know that each of them will have "From: Santa Claus" written on the tag in his mama's handwriting.
The Christmas cookies had been rolling in--gifts from his mother's students and his father's coworkers--even before he got home, plates full of kringle and raspberry gems, spritz, ribbon cookies, chocolate crinkles, almond macaroons, and haystacks, not to mention butterscotch brownies and coconut lime squares and pans of peppermint fudge and caramel popcorn balls. Jared stands before the feast, almost unable to decide what to eat first. He stuffs a couple cream cheese danties into his mouth, followed by half a lemon bar. He eats half a dozen krusczyki, a rice krispie bar coated with thick fudge frosting, then finds a cookie he's never had before--a peanut buttery cookie outside with one of those tiny little Snickers bars on the inside. He stuffs three into his mouth and groans as he chews--so fucking good. He eats at least one cookie from every plate, and by the time he gets to the marzipan even he has to admit he may have had enough.
He digs through one of the Harry and David fruit boxes they'd received and eats a pear just to make up for all the sugar.
A soft, orange glow from the back porch catches his eye and he smiles and shakes his head. He can make out Jeff's form in the darkness, puffing away on a cigarette. He grabs a beer from the fridge, and heads outside.
"Mama will shit a brick if she sees you smoking," Jared says as he sits next to Jeff on the steps.
"She's asleep, right?" Jeff asks, somewhat nervously.
"Yeah." He takes a sip of his beer, looks up at the dark sky.
"She'll shit a brick if she sees you drinking," Jeff tells him.
Jared shrugs. He's pretty full of sweets and the contrast of the beer is fantastic. They sit there in easy silence for a while and when Jared finishes his beer, he goes in and gets two more.
"You drink a lot at school?" Jeff asks him as he takes one of the beers from Jared's hand.
"Not a lot. On the weekends sometimes."
Jeff nods. "All right.
Jared doesn't know how to say what it is he wants to say. Doesn't know how to ask Jeff if it's normal to fool around with guys once and a while, if it's normal to get turned on when you think about it. He says, "I dated this girl, Sandy."
"Yeah? She cute?"
"Gorgeous. And maybe a little crazy. I don't know. Like, one second she's all over me, the next second she's macking on some other guy at a party."
"You sleep with her?" Jeff asks.
Jared hunches his shoulders in and sighs. "No."
Jeff laughs and reaches out to ruffle his hair. "It'll happen, JT. Don't worry about it."
"I'm not," he says. And he's not, not really. He's still thinking about Jensen, and just thinking about him doesn't do anything. He doesn't get nervous the way he does even now when he thinks about Sandy. He's not breathless the way he is when he thinks about Sophia walking around with no shirt on. When he thinks about Jensen he's just...thinking about Jensen. Until he thinks about Jensen's mouth on him, and that sends a little shiver through him even though he'd just come.
"Have you ever...?" Jared starts, then shakes his head. "Never mind."
"What's up?"
"Nothing. Just...have you ever, like, fooled around with somebody that you didn't like? I mean, you like them, but you're not, you know, interested in them?"
Jeff nods. "She know you're not interested?"
"It wasn't even...it was just like, whoops, sorry, I tend to suck cock when I'm drunk, let's just be friends."
Jeff laughs and clinks Jared's beer bottle with his own. "Nice. You OK with the whole friends thing?"
Jared nods. "Definitely. But...I don't know. Is that weird?"
"Only if you let it be. Things happen. But if you're OK with it and she's OK with it, there shouldn't be a problem."
Jared nods. He feels a little less weird about it, but he doesn't know how to ask if it's weird to have one of the best jerk off sessions of your life while remembering it.
The beer's made him drowsy, so he falls asleep nearly as soon as he climbs back under the covers. He doesn't wake up until Megan bounces on the foot of his bed, crying, "Come on, lazy ass, we can't open presents until you're awake!"
In the kitchen, his mama's making scrambled eggs with cheese and chiles and there's fresh cornbread cooling in the pan and fried ham steaks piled up crisp and juicy on a plate. Jared pours himself a cup of coffee and helps set the table. He eats his fare share of eggs and cornbread, plus two pieces of ham, a cup of coffee, a glass of milk, and a glass of orange juice. He's pleasantly full when they sit down around the tree to open presents, Megan playing Santa Claus and passing out the gifts.
Megan had had the bright idea for the three of them to get their pictures taken together, which they'd done as soon as Jared and Jeff were both back in town. When their mama unwraps the large, framed print, she gets a little teary and gets up to kiss and hug them all, and the rest of the day she keeps gazing at the photo and smiling and telling them that family is the best present ever.
Jared gets socks, which he needs, and a new iPod, which he'd wanted but hadn't really expected. He gets DVDs and CDs and a lot of sweaters because his mama apparently thinks the Midwest equals the arctic.
Adam calls him later that afternoon to tell him about all the video games he got.
"I thought you didn't celebrate Christmas," Jared says.
"Dude, I'm Jewish but I'm still American. Everybody gets presents on Christmas. I should...um. So, I've been talking to Rachel a lot."
"Yeah?" Jared stretches out on his bed and scratches his stomach. They'd had fried chicken for dinner and he'd eaten six pieces. He's sleepy and full.
"You don't...I mean, OK, so things with Sandy didn't really...is it OK, I mean I know it's OK, but, like is it going to be weird if I keep seeing Rachel?"
"No," says Jared. "No way." Even if he's still embarrassed by how much he'd liked Sandy and how easily she'd dissed him, he won't ever hold that against Rachel.
"OK. OK, that's cool, because she is just, like, awesome. So awesome. She's hilarious and cool and she plays World of Warcraft, like, even more than me, which is awesome. Or possibly sad. But mostly awesome because I don't even have to pretend that I'm not a geek and a gamer, you know? It's so nice when you're dating somebody and you don't feel all this pressure to be a completely different person than who you are. Not that we're dating or anything, not yet. I mean, yeah, we went on a date and I got some serious tongue action at the party which, OK, do not tell anyone I told you that. Especially don't tell Chad I told you that because then he'll wind up telling Rachel and she'll think I'm the kind of guy who kisses and tells, which just isn't cool. Except how I am, apparently, the kind of guy who kisses and tells since I just told you. But does that count since I know that you won't tell anybody else?"
"I don't think it counts," Jared tells him. "And I think Rachel's really cool."
"Isn't she? You should read her blog, it's amazing, and---"
Jared just drifts while Adam prattles on about Rachel and video games and his new speakers. He really, really misses school and his friends.
The next few days he mostly just eats and sleeps. His mama gets so annoyed with him that she kicks him outside and makes him clean the shed just so he won't grow moss on his backside. Instead of cleaning the shed, he sits down behind it where she can't see him from the house and pulls out his phone.
He plays a few games of solitaire, then texts Jensen. chores suck
He's not surprised when his phone rings a moment later. "Hey, Jen," he says.
"So, what, they've got you scrubbing toilets with your toothbrush?" Jensen asks.
"Cleaning out the shed."
"Ah," Jensen says with a sigh. "Cruel and unusual."
"Mostly my mama just wanted me out of the house. I've been laying on the couch all day, driving her crazy." He keeps thinking about that night, thinking about Jensen's mouth so hot and slippery-soft around his cock. He wonders if it's weird, sucking cock. He thinks it's probably not weird if you're gay, but he's not sure. Maybe it's always weird.
"I am so hungover," Jensen says. "I went out last night with my cousins and, ooooh. Seriously."
"I thought your cousins did things like play Bible verse trivia."
"They do. These are different cousins. In my family you're either a hard-core Christian or a hard-core partier."
"Which are you?"
"A little of both, I guess. Or neither. Chris--you met Chris."
"Yeah. I have a vague memory of the night I met him."
"He was telling stories, and he can bullshit with the best of them, and he was pouring shots and we were all just downing 'em one after another."
"You gonna yack?"
"No."
"You sure? Because I think whenever you combine Chris and alcohol, yacking somehow becomes involved."
"That's true, but this time it's not me puking. My brother, though?" Jensen laughs. "Still clinging to the toilet bowl. And my mama's pissed, knows exactly what we got up to last night so she fried up a big pan of bacon and brought it into his room just so he'd really get the scent."
"That's cruel."
"She gets inspired when she's angry. God, when I told her--" he stops talking suddenly.
"When you told her what?"
"That I was attracted to guys," Jensen says softly.
"I didn't think they knew."
"They don't. It's complicated."
"So you've said."
"They know," Jensen tells him. "Or they knew. I didn't..." he sighs and doesn't say anything for a long time.
"Jensen?"
"I told them and it wasn't good. I don't...it's not like they threatened to kick me out or anything. They're not bad people."
"I'm sure they're not."
"They just...it really hurt them. And they were scared. They wanted me to have a normal life so they found this program and it was supposed to cure me."
Jared feels his stomach drop. "Oh, Jen," he murmurs.
"And I did it. I went. But I just...I didn't know how to tell them that it didn't work. I still don't know how to tell them so I just...I just let them think it worked. That I'm cured."
"But it doesn't...it doesn't work like that, does it? It's not like...I don't know. Pneumonia. It's not a disease. It's just the way you are."
Jensen sighs.
"What? Am I wrong? Because you can tell me if I'm wrong."
"I don't think you're wrong. Because I tried. I really fucking tried to change and I just..."
Jared listens to Jensen's deep breaths on the other end of the line and he doesn't know what to say, doesn't know what to do. He can't imagine what it must be like to think there was something so fundamentally wrong with yourself that you had to pray to God to change you and lie when it didn't work, and just the thought of Jensen having to do that churns in his gut.
"You can come to San Antonio," is what he says, finally. "You know, if you need a break."
Jensen's breathing is uneven. Jared knows he's trying not to cry so he keeps talking to cover it.
"And, you know, if you want practice telling people you're gay, you can tell my sister. I'm pretty sure she already thinks you're my boyfriend."
Jensen's laugh is choked but real. "I don't know how to feel about you," he whispers.
"What do you mean?"
"Nobody else reacts to me the way you do. Everybody else is just...I don't know. Angry or ashamed or uncomfortable and you're just not. I'm not used to that. I don't know what to do with that."
"Accept it, asshole."
Jensen laughs softly. "Yeah. Yeah, OK."
They talk for a little longer after that about nothing important, about Christmas presents and how much they each had to eat on Christmas Day, what their plans are for New Year's. Soon, though, Jared's mama comes out of the house with a frown on her face and a flyswatter in her hand and Jared jumps to his feet and gets started on cleaning out the shed before she can smack him one.
Jeff leaves on New Year's Day, and his mama's so sad that Jared even agrees to help her go grocery shopping when she asks. He doesn't like grocery shopping since it just makes him hungry and he can't eat anything until they get it home.
He's carrying in two 24-packs of soda when he hears Megan laugh. It's not her normal laugh, it's the strange giggle she gets when she's talking to boys. Jared frowns and heads towards the kitchen, where Megan's still giggling. If she invited that Dakota kid over while nobody else was home, there's going to be some explaining to do. And maybe a bloody nose for Dakota.
He strides into the kitchen still carrying the soda, ready to ask what the hell is going on, but he doesn't ask. He just stops in the doorway and grins because Megan's not giggling at Dakota, she's giggling at Jensen, who's sitting right there at Jared's kitchen table.
"What are you doing here?" Jared asks, laughing and putting the soda on the counter.
"Uh, hey," says Jensen, standing up and rubbing the back of his neck. "Um, you said I could come down so, well, surprise."
Jared grins and strides towards him.
Jensen sighs. "You're going to hug me now, aren't you?"
"Yup," Jared says, wrapping his arms around Jensen's shoulders.
Jensen reaches up to pat Jared's back awkwardly.
"Man," Jared says as he pulls back. "This is so cool! Hey, look who's here!" he calls as his parents come in carrying grocery bags.
"Jensen!" Jared's mama cries happily.
Jensen seems a little uncomfortable when the hugging starts, but that's just the way Jared was raised, his mama and daddy both never scrimping on affection. Once he realizes that he's just going to get hugged by Jared's mama and daddy and sister, Jensen seems to relax and just go with it.
"You've got a real nice truck," says Megan.
"How was the drive?" Jared's daddy asks.
"You must be starving," says Jared's mama. "Are you hungry? What are you in the mood for?"
Jared laughs at the dazed look in Jensen's eyes. His family can be overwhelming, he knows that. "I'm gonna show him around," he says, taking Jensen by the arm and pulling him out of the kitchen.
"Family room," he says as they walk through it quickly and head down the hall. "Living room over there. Sun porch. Bathroom to the right. This is my room."
"Quick tour," Jensen says as Jared shuts his bedroom door.
"Figured you could use a break from the game of twenty questions going on out there," Jared says. "They mean well, but they're kind of...enthusiastic."
Jensen smiles a little bit and shakes his head. "I like them."
"You OK?"
Jensen sighs. "You said I could come down if I needed a break. I know I didn’t call, but--"
"You don't have to call," Jared tells him. "I'm glad you're here. I just want to know if you're OK."
He sighs again. "I don't know."
This time when Jared pulls him into a hug, Jensen doesn't fight it. His arms come up and wrap around Jared's waist and he presses his forehead to Jared's shoulder.
"What's wrong?" he asks as he feels Jensen tremble beneath his touch.
Jensen pushes away, wipes one hand over his face. "Nothing. God. I'm sorry. I just--"
"Don't be sorry," Jared tells him. "What's going on?"
"Just, my parents and I kind of had it out. I told them the truth. That I'm not...that it didn't work."
Jared nods. "And?"
"And they weren't as surprised as I thought they'd be, but they're still not happy. We just kept going around and around and..." He sighs and sits on the edge of Jared's bed. "I couldn't keep having the same fights and conversations with them over and over again. I needed to get away."
Jared sits next to him, bumps Jensen's shoulder with his own. "OK."
"Your parents won't mind if I crash for a few days before we head back up to school?"
"Weren't you there in the kitchen when everybody was fawning over you? Of course they won't mind." Jared loops his arm over Jensen's shoulders and grins.
"Please don't sing," Jensen says.
"You owe me one," Jared reminds him.
"Yeah, but it can wait."
Jared pulls his arm back and stands up. "Yeah. It can. Come on, let's help put those groceries away and see if we can talk my mama into making brisket for dinner."
"I love brisket," Jensen says, getting up and following him out the door, ready to brave the Padalecki family again.
Chapter Five
Fandom: CW RPS
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Rating: NC-17
Summary: A Christmas break interlude. A 6,000-word interlude. What?
Word Count: 6,181
Disclaimer: This is fiction, not real.
Notes/Warnings. This was written on a whim, unplanned and (as of yet) unfinished.
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
After a week of sleeping late, hanging out with old friends that he doesn't have much in common with anymore, and eating his mama's cooking, Jared's a little bored. He texts Jensen. I'm bored.
He doesn't get a response right away and sits on the couch with his feet up on the coffee table, flipping through channel after channel without even really watching anything.
His phone beeps and he picks it up. Jensen's texted him back. my family makes me want to kill myself
Jared laughs. it's down the block not across the street.
thanks for your support
any time
He settles on a cooking show and watches for a while. It makes him hungry for bruschetta and he thinks it looks easy enough that even he could make it. He's too lazy to actually look and see if they have things like fresh tomatoes in the kitchen, though, and going to the store would mean having to shower, so he just sits on the couch and gets hungrier.
I want bruschetta he texts Jensen.
I want a world where soft rock is a crime Jensen texts back.
Jared laughs and shakes his head. He scrolls through his address book, finds Jensen's number and hits Send.
"Seriously," is what Jensen says when he answers the phone. "Islands in the Stream is just wrong."
"Kenny Rogers is never wrong," Jared says.
"I think Buy Me a Rose proves otherwise."
"You're wounding me here," Jared says. He starts to croon, "Buy me a rose, call me from work, open a door for me, what would it hurt?" He's a little impressed that he actually remembers the words.
"Did you call me just to torture me with your singing?"
"How can you hate a song about all the little things that show you love somebody?"
"Because it sucks."
Jared laughs and turns off the TV. He stretches out on the couch. "Next you're going to tell me you hate Alabama."
Jensen groans. "Seriously, man, we have to improve your taste in music."
"Alabama!" Jared cries. "Play me that mountain music!"
"Yeah," Jensen says grudgingly. "Yeah, OK, that's a good song, but I'm burning all your Trace Adkins CDs when we get back to school."
"What? Why?"
"Because if I have to hear Honky Tonk Badonkadonk one more time I'm going to kill myself."
"You've been suicidal all day."
"Four hours of church will do that to a person."
"Four hours?" Jared asks. "What do you do at church for four hours?"
"Mostly sit there with my ass falling asleep. But on the upside, I now know in detail what the Bible says about magic and why it's bad."
"Huh." Jared's mama goes to Aldersgate United Methodist most Sundays, but Jared hasn't gone more than twice a year since he was confirmed. "What kind of church is it? I mean, are they OK with you being...um, gay?"
"Not really, no. But I'm not...I'm not really out. It's...my family...it's kind of complicated."
"You wanna talk about it?"
"Not especially."
"OK. I was watching cooking shows on TV and I'm starving."
"When aren't you starving?"
"I'm a growing boy," Jared says defensively.
Jared's missed the sound of Jensen's laugh. "You're already a giant."
"I can't help that I have good genes. Seriously, they were making this bruschetta with, um, that pork, that really salty pork that you slice thin?"
"Prosciutto," says Jensen.
"Yeah! That! It was, like, toasted bread and garlic and tomatoes and, God, I'm starving."
"Go make yourself something to eat."
"I don't wanna get up."
"So lay there and die of starvation."
Jared sighs and levers himself up off the couch. He chatters on as he digs through the kitchen looking for ingredients. They have fresh tomatoes but not fresh garlic or basil. They have sliced bread but not French bread. Jared makes do, drizzles olive oil on the slices and sprinkles them with garlic salt and Parmesan cheese from a can before putting them in the oven.
He chops up the tomatoes and onions as he tells Jensen all about his little sister's new boyfriend. "...so my dad was like, 'OK, just don't say anything, either one of you,' so Jeff and me and my dad are sitting there in the living room with this kid, all of us just looking at him, none of us saying anything, and you could practically see the kid's panic rising--"
"You're fucking cruel," Jensen tells him.
"It was hilarious. I had to dig my nails into my palm to keep from laughing. Dakota--that's the kid's name, Dakota--he kept trying to make conversation and my dad would, like, grunt or give him one-word answers. Once he and Megan left, we laughed so hard I could barely breathe."
When he eats his makeshift bruschetta, it's so good and just what he was craving that he can't help but groan.
"You sound like you're in a food porn," Jensen tells him. "Which is remarkably unsexy."
"Have you seen a food porn?" Jared asks between bites.
"Just one. It was really messy. I couldn't figure out how they could get so turned on when they were getting, like, blueberry pie on the couch. You know that's going to stain."
Jared laughs loud and tells Jensen about the first porn he ever saw, a VHS tape swiped by one of his friends from an uncle. It was called Edward Penishands. "I swear," he says, grinning at Jensen's breathless laughter. "The guy had prosthetic cocks, like, taped over his hands and they were so fucking veined it was ridiculous. I may still be emotionally scarred."
After his afternoon snack, Jared goes back to the couch. He stares at the ceiling as he and Jensen talk about TV and movies and how seriously bad Revenge of the Sith sucked. When his family gets home from the mall, Jared waves at them and heads to his room, locking the door behind him.
"I can't handle the mall at Christmas," he admits. "I start wanting to punch people--like old ladies and infants and people in wheelchairs."
"Really? For some reason I pegged you as a shopping kind of guy."
"Normally I don't mind it, but this time of the year, I don't know, I think it's all those Christmas carols playing over and over again."
"Yeah. There's only so many times you can hear Feliz Navidad before you snap."
There's a sharp rap on Jared's door and then Megan's voice. "Are you talking to your girlfriend?" she demands in a loud sing-song.
Jared sighs. "My sister is five years old emotionally," he tells Jensen.
"Makes sense, since you're eight."
He laughs and goes over to the door where Megan's knocking incessantly. He yanks the door open and she grins at him. "Talking to your girlfriend, huh?" she asks.
"Maybe I'm talking to my boyfriend," he says. "You ever think of that?" He works hard to keep from smiling.
Megan shakes her head and says, "Oh," and then he laughs and shuts the door on her.
"Dude," says Jensen, "you just told your sister you were gay."
"No, I told her to consider the fact that I might be talking to a boyfriend instead of a girlfriend."
"And when she runs to your parents and tells them?"
"She won't. And even if she did, it wouldn't be a big deal."
"Huh," says Jensen. "Hey, we've been talking for hours and I think my ear might fall off. I'm gonna go get ready for dinner."
"Yeah," says Jared. "OK. Talk to you later, man." After he hangs up he sees that his phone is very close to dead so he plugs it in before wandering back out into the house to see what everyone else is doing.
Megan's sitting in the hall with her knees pulled up to her chest. She pops to her feet as soon as she sees Jared come out of his room.
"It was a joke, Meggie," he says as she opens her mouth to speak. "God."
"Don't call me that," she says, punching him on the arm. She punches him as hard as she can but it doesn't really hurt.
"Meggie," he repeats. He leans down quick and puts his shoulder to her stomach, grabs her arms and stands up so that she's draped over him in a fireman carry.
"Put me down you big jerk!" she cries, but she's laughing. "Mama! Make JT put me down!"
Jared walks down the hallway into the family room where his dad and Jeff are watching TV. His mother peeks in from the kitchen and sighs, a dishtowel in her hand.
"JT, put your sister down," she says with an exasperated smile.
"Catch," he says and flips Megan over, tosses her towards the couch where Jeff's sitting.
"JT has a girlfriend!" Megan crows as she pushes herself out of Jeff's lap and onto her own couch cushion.
"I actually don't," he says as he takes a seat in one of the armchairs.
"Then who were you on the phone with?"
"Jensen. My roommate."
"Oh, he's a nice boy," says Jared's mama. She's only met him once, when they transferred Jared's suitcases from Jensen's truck to the family van, but Jensen had been unfailingly polite, full of yes, ma'ams and that's right kind of yous, and Jared's mama has always appreciated polite.
"Is he cute?" Megan asks.
"Cuter than any guy you'll ever date," he says
"Mama!" Megan cries, snatching off her shoe and throwing it at Jared's face.
"Megan!" Jared's mama snaps. "JT!" she cries when he throws the shoe back at Megan. "Both of you, stop it!"
Megan springs forward, catching him off guard and knocking him and the armchair to the ground. Growing up with two older brothers has made her both tough and sneaky.
Jared howls with surprised laughter as he hits the ground. Megan's sneaky but she's not very strong, so not even her hardest punches hurt much except, oh, "Not the stomach!" he cries, pushing her off him easily.
Megan jumps back onto him, straddles his stomach and presses as hard as she can on his shoulders in an attempt to hold him down. "Is Jensen your boyfriend?" she asks in her most annoying tone. "He is, isn't he? JT has a boyfriend, JT has a boyfriend," she sing-songs. Sometimes, she really is five.
"Megan Padalecki you stop that this instant," their mama snaps. She yanks Megan right up by the ponytail. "That is no way to talk about your own brother."
"But--" Megan begins.
"I mean it. There's joking and then there's taking a joke too far, and that's nothing to joke about."
Jared winces. That sort of took the fun out of everything. He slides off the armchair, then lifts it back onto its feet before sitting in it again and waiting for supper.
The next day is Christmas Eve, which means driving from one grandparents' house to another. There are only so many hands of Kings in the Corner Jared can play before he wants to start banging his head against the wall.
He texts Chad. Christmas eve sucks
He doesn't get a response.
He texts Adam. Christmas eve sucks
Adam texts him back. hpy Hanukkah, btch
He texts Jensen. Christmas eve sucks
Jensen texts back. my cousins are playing bible verse trivia
I really hope that's a made up game
I so wish it were.
how do you play?
His phone rings a second later and he excuses himself to the spare bedroom to take the call. "Jensen?"
"OK," says Jensen, "this is how you play. One person flips through the Bible, finds a passage, tells you the book, chapter, and verse number, and whoever can say the verse gets a point."
Jared's silent for a moment. "And they play that for fun?"
"This is what I'm saying. What are you doing?"
"Hiding out in my grandma's spare room and avoiding another game of cards."
Jensen chuckles. "Heathens."
"I'll probably emerge once they switch to canasta."
Jensen snorts a laugh. "People still play canasta?"
"Dude, my grandma's cutthroat. When we're melding 120, if she can go out before anybody else has even laid down a card, she totally will."
"I'll just pretend I know what that means."
"OK. And, God, if one more person asks me what I'm majoring in I'm going to scream. How am I supposed to know what I want to major in? How the hell did you know you wanted to be a physical therapist?"
"I played some ball in high school, blew out my knee, needed physical therapy for it. It just seemed like a cool thing, I guess."
"That's a lot of school though, right? I mean, you have to go to grad school."
"Yeah."
Jared sighs and sits on the floor, leans back against the bed and it's crocheted coverlet. His grandma's house always smells weird, kind of stale and powdery. He doesn't know why he finds it comforting. "I don't think I want to go to grad school," he says. "I don't think I want to major in anything. I just...I don't know. Graduating and getting a job and working every day for the rest of my life, that's just...man. I'm depressing myself."
"It's the holidays. More people kill themselves at Christmas than at any other time of the year."
"Well, I'm not that depressed."
"Thank God. And seriously, Jay, you're a freshman. You don't have to decide what you're majoring in right away. You'll find it."
"I suppose," Jared says, picking at a tuft of shag carpeting next to his knee.
After a little while, Jensen lets out a weary sigh and says, "OK. Fine. Do it."
"Do what?" Jared asks.
"Sing to me. You know you want to."
He laughs.
"It's bubbling around in there, I know it. You've got some horrible pop gem just aching to burst free, so go for it."
Jared smiles and skims his palm over the tips of the carpet. "Well, now I'm on the spot."
"Come on. Sing me a song," Jensen prods. "How often am I actually willing to listen to you sing? You may never get this chance again."
Jared laughs. "No. That's OK. I'll save it for later."
"You sure?"
"Yeah. I should get back."
"Merry Christmas, Jay."
"Merry Christmas," Jared says.
Jared goes back to where his family's gathered and he and his grandmother pair up and kick some major canasta ass. He misses school and it's strange to be homesick for someplace that's not really home.
He can't sleep that night. He still feels sort of strange and melancholy, still misses his friends and wishes he were back with them even as he never wants to leave home. He tries thinking about all the presents he's going to get in the morning, tries to think about how much fun it will be to watch his family open the gifts he picked out.
He still can't sleep, so he slips out of his clothes and stretches out naked on top of his covers, slides his hands across his stomach and down between his legs.
His old fantasy standby, Julie Williams jerking him off on prom night, doesn't do much for him. He closes his eyes and thinks about it, remembers the smell of her perfume, remembers the way she'd kissed his neck over and over as she stroked him. It's not much more than a memory and the heat it provokes is merely lukewarm.
He sighs. He supposes he could try to go to sleep again, but now that he's started it, he wants to jerk off, wants to feel good, wants to come. The memory of Sandy's brush-off still stings but, Christ, her hand on his leg, rubbing up his thigh, her tongue in his mouth, that's better. He squeezes his cock, rubs his thumb over the slit, smiles as heat pools in his belly and his cock begins to grow.
He thinks about Sandy jerking him off instead of Julie. He imagines her small hand slipping between his legs right there in the car with Adam and Rachel in the front, imagines her kissing him, biting at his jaw, stroking him fast and hard.
He thinks about touching her, about sliding her skirt up and feeling how wet she is, slipping his fingers over her clit, making her gasp and moan. He thinks about her kissing him, kissing his neck, kissing her way down his chest and sliding down on the seat so she can take his cock into her mouth.
That's good. That's really good. His cock's so hard thinking about it, thinking about Jensen--no. Thinking about Sandy. He's thinking about Sandy sucking him off. Her pretty little mouth wrapped around him, her dark eyes gazing up at him, her...fuck.
Fuck. Jensen. He's shoving his cock into Jensen's mouth and Jensen's taking it, all of it, sucking him so fucking good, his mouth so hot inside, his tongue doing fucking amazing things. Jared might be a little bit in love with Jensen's tongue, with his pretty, fuckable mouth, with the way he'd moaned in pleasure just from sucking Jared, with the way Jared had felt the vibrations of that moan all through his body.
He's fucking Jensen's mouth and Jensen's looking up at him, grin in his eyes, wanting it so bad, wanting Jared's cock, wanting--fuck. Fuck, wanting Jared to come in his mouth and Jesus, Jesus that's it. Jared's coming hard in spurts across his belly thinking of the way Jensen had looked swallowing his come.
He comes so hard he's a little shaky and he slides his fingers through the come on his skin, laughing softly. Coming hard always makes him laugh a little bit, and that was the best orgasm he's had in a long time. He rolls onto his side and stretches out and sighs and floats in a post-orgasm haze.
Then he blinks and sits up and...huh. That was weird.
He reaches for the Kleenex on the nightstand, and cleans himself up. That was...OK. OK, so he just jerked off thinking about his roommate. It happens. He thinks it probably happens. It probably happens a lot if somebody's roommate had just given them their very first blowjob ever. It's not that weird. He's pretty sure it's not that weird.
He gets up and pulls on pajama bottoms and a t-shirt, pads down the hall to the bathroom where he cleans up a little better and splashes water on his face.
He looks at his reflection in the mirror. It's not like he looks any different. It's not like he would, he knows. It's not like he has to walk around with a neon sign flashing I Have Gay Thoughts. He's just...OK. He's being a hypocrite is what he's doing. He's totally OK with Jensen being all the way gay, so he should be OK if he himself has fleeting kinda gay thoughts. He's fine. It's normal. His junior high gym teacher said so during sex ed, said that sometimes a guy will think about another guy and that it didn't make you gay.
He's fine. He's normal. He's...really kind of hungry.
He's quiet as he slips out of the bathroom and into the hallway and he smiles when he sees that the floor around the tree is filled with presents his mama had put out after he'd gone to bed. He doesn't have to look to know that each of them will have "From: Santa Claus" written on the tag in his mama's handwriting.
The Christmas cookies had been rolling in--gifts from his mother's students and his father's coworkers--even before he got home, plates full of kringle and raspberry gems, spritz, ribbon cookies, chocolate crinkles, almond macaroons, and haystacks, not to mention butterscotch brownies and coconut lime squares and pans of peppermint fudge and caramel popcorn balls. Jared stands before the feast, almost unable to decide what to eat first. He stuffs a couple cream cheese danties into his mouth, followed by half a lemon bar. He eats half a dozen krusczyki, a rice krispie bar coated with thick fudge frosting, then finds a cookie he's never had before--a peanut buttery cookie outside with one of those tiny little Snickers bars on the inside. He stuffs three into his mouth and groans as he chews--so fucking good. He eats at least one cookie from every plate, and by the time he gets to the marzipan even he has to admit he may have had enough.
He digs through one of the Harry and David fruit boxes they'd received and eats a pear just to make up for all the sugar.
A soft, orange glow from the back porch catches his eye and he smiles and shakes his head. He can make out Jeff's form in the darkness, puffing away on a cigarette. He grabs a beer from the fridge, and heads outside.
"Mama will shit a brick if she sees you smoking," Jared says as he sits next to Jeff on the steps.
"She's asleep, right?" Jeff asks, somewhat nervously.
"Yeah." He takes a sip of his beer, looks up at the dark sky.
"She'll shit a brick if she sees you drinking," Jeff tells him.
Jared shrugs. He's pretty full of sweets and the contrast of the beer is fantastic. They sit there in easy silence for a while and when Jared finishes his beer, he goes in and gets two more.
"You drink a lot at school?" Jeff asks him as he takes one of the beers from Jared's hand.
"Not a lot. On the weekends sometimes."
Jeff nods. "All right.
Jared doesn't know how to say what it is he wants to say. Doesn't know how to ask Jeff if it's normal to fool around with guys once and a while, if it's normal to get turned on when you think about it. He says, "I dated this girl, Sandy."
"Yeah? She cute?"
"Gorgeous. And maybe a little crazy. I don't know. Like, one second she's all over me, the next second she's macking on some other guy at a party."
"You sleep with her?" Jeff asks.
Jared hunches his shoulders in and sighs. "No."
Jeff laughs and reaches out to ruffle his hair. "It'll happen, JT. Don't worry about it."
"I'm not," he says. And he's not, not really. He's still thinking about Jensen, and just thinking about him doesn't do anything. He doesn't get nervous the way he does even now when he thinks about Sandy. He's not breathless the way he is when he thinks about Sophia walking around with no shirt on. When he thinks about Jensen he's just...thinking about Jensen. Until he thinks about Jensen's mouth on him, and that sends a little shiver through him even though he'd just come.
"Have you ever...?" Jared starts, then shakes his head. "Never mind."
"What's up?"
"Nothing. Just...have you ever, like, fooled around with somebody that you didn't like? I mean, you like them, but you're not, you know, interested in them?"
Jeff nods. "She know you're not interested?"
"It wasn't even...it was just like, whoops, sorry, I tend to suck cock when I'm drunk, let's just be friends."
Jeff laughs and clinks Jared's beer bottle with his own. "Nice. You OK with the whole friends thing?"
Jared nods. "Definitely. But...I don't know. Is that weird?"
"Only if you let it be. Things happen. But if you're OK with it and she's OK with it, there shouldn't be a problem."
Jared nods. He feels a little less weird about it, but he doesn't know how to ask if it's weird to have one of the best jerk off sessions of your life while remembering it.
The beer's made him drowsy, so he falls asleep nearly as soon as he climbs back under the covers. He doesn't wake up until Megan bounces on the foot of his bed, crying, "Come on, lazy ass, we can't open presents until you're awake!"
In the kitchen, his mama's making scrambled eggs with cheese and chiles and there's fresh cornbread cooling in the pan and fried ham steaks piled up crisp and juicy on a plate. Jared pours himself a cup of coffee and helps set the table. He eats his fare share of eggs and cornbread, plus two pieces of ham, a cup of coffee, a glass of milk, and a glass of orange juice. He's pleasantly full when they sit down around the tree to open presents, Megan playing Santa Claus and passing out the gifts.
Megan had had the bright idea for the three of them to get their pictures taken together, which they'd done as soon as Jared and Jeff were both back in town. When their mama unwraps the large, framed print, she gets a little teary and gets up to kiss and hug them all, and the rest of the day she keeps gazing at the photo and smiling and telling them that family is the best present ever.
Jared gets socks, which he needs, and a new iPod, which he'd wanted but hadn't really expected. He gets DVDs and CDs and a lot of sweaters because his mama apparently thinks the Midwest equals the arctic.
Adam calls him later that afternoon to tell him about all the video games he got.
"I thought you didn't celebrate Christmas," Jared says.
"Dude, I'm Jewish but I'm still American. Everybody gets presents on Christmas. I should...um. So, I've been talking to Rachel a lot."
"Yeah?" Jared stretches out on his bed and scratches his stomach. They'd had fried chicken for dinner and he'd eaten six pieces. He's sleepy and full.
"You don't...I mean, OK, so things with Sandy didn't really...is it OK, I mean I know it's OK, but, like is it going to be weird if I keep seeing Rachel?"
"No," says Jared. "No way." Even if he's still embarrassed by how much he'd liked Sandy and how easily she'd dissed him, he won't ever hold that against Rachel.
"OK. OK, that's cool, because she is just, like, awesome. So awesome. She's hilarious and cool and she plays World of Warcraft, like, even more than me, which is awesome. Or possibly sad. But mostly awesome because I don't even have to pretend that I'm not a geek and a gamer, you know? It's so nice when you're dating somebody and you don't feel all this pressure to be a completely different person than who you are. Not that we're dating or anything, not yet. I mean, yeah, we went on a date and I got some serious tongue action at the party which, OK, do not tell anyone I told you that. Especially don't tell Chad I told you that because then he'll wind up telling Rachel and she'll think I'm the kind of guy who kisses and tells, which just isn't cool. Except how I am, apparently, the kind of guy who kisses and tells since I just told you. But does that count since I know that you won't tell anybody else?"
"I don't think it counts," Jared tells him. "And I think Rachel's really cool."
"Isn't she? You should read her blog, it's amazing, and---"
Jared just drifts while Adam prattles on about Rachel and video games and his new speakers. He really, really misses school and his friends.
The next few days he mostly just eats and sleeps. His mama gets so annoyed with him that she kicks him outside and makes him clean the shed just so he won't grow moss on his backside. Instead of cleaning the shed, he sits down behind it where she can't see him from the house and pulls out his phone.
He plays a few games of solitaire, then texts Jensen. chores suck
He's not surprised when his phone rings a moment later. "Hey, Jen," he says.
"So, what, they've got you scrubbing toilets with your toothbrush?" Jensen asks.
"Cleaning out the shed."
"Ah," Jensen says with a sigh. "Cruel and unusual."
"Mostly my mama just wanted me out of the house. I've been laying on the couch all day, driving her crazy." He keeps thinking about that night, thinking about Jensen's mouth so hot and slippery-soft around his cock. He wonders if it's weird, sucking cock. He thinks it's probably not weird if you're gay, but he's not sure. Maybe it's always weird.
"I am so hungover," Jensen says. "I went out last night with my cousins and, ooooh. Seriously."
"I thought your cousins did things like play Bible verse trivia."
"They do. These are different cousins. In my family you're either a hard-core Christian or a hard-core partier."
"Which are you?"
"A little of both, I guess. Or neither. Chris--you met Chris."
"Yeah. I have a vague memory of the night I met him."
"He was telling stories, and he can bullshit with the best of them, and he was pouring shots and we were all just downing 'em one after another."
"You gonna yack?"
"No."
"You sure? Because I think whenever you combine Chris and alcohol, yacking somehow becomes involved."
"That's true, but this time it's not me puking. My brother, though?" Jensen laughs. "Still clinging to the toilet bowl. And my mama's pissed, knows exactly what we got up to last night so she fried up a big pan of bacon and brought it into his room just so he'd really get the scent."
"That's cruel."
"She gets inspired when she's angry. God, when I told her--" he stops talking suddenly.
"When you told her what?"
"That I was attracted to guys," Jensen says softly.
"I didn't think they knew."
"They don't. It's complicated."
"So you've said."
"They know," Jensen tells him. "Or they knew. I didn't..." he sighs and doesn't say anything for a long time.
"Jensen?"
"I told them and it wasn't good. I don't...it's not like they threatened to kick me out or anything. They're not bad people."
"I'm sure they're not."
"They just...it really hurt them. And they were scared. They wanted me to have a normal life so they found this program and it was supposed to cure me."
Jared feels his stomach drop. "Oh, Jen," he murmurs.
"And I did it. I went. But I just...I didn't know how to tell them that it didn't work. I still don't know how to tell them so I just...I just let them think it worked. That I'm cured."
"But it doesn't...it doesn't work like that, does it? It's not like...I don't know. Pneumonia. It's not a disease. It's just the way you are."
Jensen sighs.
"What? Am I wrong? Because you can tell me if I'm wrong."
"I don't think you're wrong. Because I tried. I really fucking tried to change and I just..."
Jared listens to Jensen's deep breaths on the other end of the line and he doesn't know what to say, doesn't know what to do. He can't imagine what it must be like to think there was something so fundamentally wrong with yourself that you had to pray to God to change you and lie when it didn't work, and just the thought of Jensen having to do that churns in his gut.
"You can come to San Antonio," is what he says, finally. "You know, if you need a break."
Jensen's breathing is uneven. Jared knows he's trying not to cry so he keeps talking to cover it.
"And, you know, if you want practice telling people you're gay, you can tell my sister. I'm pretty sure she already thinks you're my boyfriend."
Jensen's laugh is choked but real. "I don't know how to feel about you," he whispers.
"What do you mean?"
"Nobody else reacts to me the way you do. Everybody else is just...I don't know. Angry or ashamed or uncomfortable and you're just not. I'm not used to that. I don't know what to do with that."
"Accept it, asshole."
Jensen laughs softly. "Yeah. Yeah, OK."
They talk for a little longer after that about nothing important, about Christmas presents and how much they each had to eat on Christmas Day, what their plans are for New Year's. Soon, though, Jared's mama comes out of the house with a frown on her face and a flyswatter in her hand and Jared jumps to his feet and gets started on cleaning out the shed before she can smack him one.
Jeff leaves on New Year's Day, and his mama's so sad that Jared even agrees to help her go grocery shopping when she asks. He doesn't like grocery shopping since it just makes him hungry and he can't eat anything until they get it home.
He's carrying in two 24-packs of soda when he hears Megan laugh. It's not her normal laugh, it's the strange giggle she gets when she's talking to boys. Jared frowns and heads towards the kitchen, where Megan's still giggling. If she invited that Dakota kid over while nobody else was home, there's going to be some explaining to do. And maybe a bloody nose for Dakota.
He strides into the kitchen still carrying the soda, ready to ask what the hell is going on, but he doesn't ask. He just stops in the doorway and grins because Megan's not giggling at Dakota, she's giggling at Jensen, who's sitting right there at Jared's kitchen table.
"What are you doing here?" Jared asks, laughing and putting the soda on the counter.
"Uh, hey," says Jensen, standing up and rubbing the back of his neck. "Um, you said I could come down so, well, surprise."
Jared grins and strides towards him.
Jensen sighs. "You're going to hug me now, aren't you?"
"Yup," Jared says, wrapping his arms around Jensen's shoulders.
Jensen reaches up to pat Jared's back awkwardly.
"Man," Jared says as he pulls back. "This is so cool! Hey, look who's here!" he calls as his parents come in carrying grocery bags.
"Jensen!" Jared's mama cries happily.
Jensen seems a little uncomfortable when the hugging starts, but that's just the way Jared was raised, his mama and daddy both never scrimping on affection. Once he realizes that he's just going to get hugged by Jared's mama and daddy and sister, Jensen seems to relax and just go with it.
"You've got a real nice truck," says Megan.
"How was the drive?" Jared's daddy asks.
"You must be starving," says Jared's mama. "Are you hungry? What are you in the mood for?"
Jared laughs at the dazed look in Jensen's eyes. His family can be overwhelming, he knows that. "I'm gonna show him around," he says, taking Jensen by the arm and pulling him out of the kitchen.
"Family room," he says as they walk through it quickly and head down the hall. "Living room over there. Sun porch. Bathroom to the right. This is my room."
"Quick tour," Jensen says as Jared shuts his bedroom door.
"Figured you could use a break from the game of twenty questions going on out there," Jared says. "They mean well, but they're kind of...enthusiastic."
Jensen smiles a little bit and shakes his head. "I like them."
"You OK?"
Jensen sighs. "You said I could come down if I needed a break. I know I didn’t call, but--"
"You don't have to call," Jared tells him. "I'm glad you're here. I just want to know if you're OK."
He sighs again. "I don't know."
This time when Jared pulls him into a hug, Jensen doesn't fight it. His arms come up and wrap around Jared's waist and he presses his forehead to Jared's shoulder.
"What's wrong?" he asks as he feels Jensen tremble beneath his touch.
Jensen pushes away, wipes one hand over his face. "Nothing. God. I'm sorry. I just--"
"Don't be sorry," Jared tells him. "What's going on?"
"Just, my parents and I kind of had it out. I told them the truth. That I'm not...that it didn't work."
Jared nods. "And?"
"And they weren't as surprised as I thought they'd be, but they're still not happy. We just kept going around and around and..." He sighs and sits on the edge of Jared's bed. "I couldn't keep having the same fights and conversations with them over and over again. I needed to get away."
Jared sits next to him, bumps Jensen's shoulder with his own. "OK."
"Your parents won't mind if I crash for a few days before we head back up to school?"
"Weren't you there in the kitchen when everybody was fawning over you? Of course they won't mind." Jared loops his arm over Jensen's shoulders and grins.
"Please don't sing," Jensen says.
"You owe me one," Jared reminds him.
"Yeah, but it can wait."
Jared pulls his arm back and stands up. "Yeah. It can. Come on, let's help put those groceries away and see if we can talk my mama into making brisket for dinner."
"I love brisket," Jensen says, getting up and following him out the door, ready to brave the Padalecki family again.
Chapter Five