(Entry 17) Dear Diary....
If any of my friends hacked their way into this entry, I'd appreciate it if you hacked yourself right back out again. This is really private ok, guys? Thank you. Love you.
Ok.
Now that I'm officially alone (I hope)...
The doctor told me today that there's a completely experimental process being developed in Switzerland right now that is meant for people who, like me, have extreme damage to their lungs and aren't expected to live more than 5 years or so.
He already did a pre-qualification (he didn't want to tell me about it if I couldn't get into the program) so that's not a problem. It's really expensive, but...uh, I know Fugaku would pay for it (which doesn't make me feel that good to say, but...truth is truth).
Pros:
1) I could breathe again. So far, results have been an increase in lung function sometimes as high as 90% total lung functionality. That's amazing. The doc says it's more likely to be 80's, higher 70's, but considering that I only have 44% on a good day right now, that's still darn good.
2) My lifespan would be instantly snapped back into a more normal time frame; without the threat of drowning in my own snot, I would live...I could get old. I could actually get old. My mind almost can't grasp that.
Cons:
1) It's super expensive. I know that Fugaku wouldn't hesitate to pay, but I...I already feel like a freeloader sometimes, dashing around with him on private jets and staying at expensive hotels. Then again, he's paying my medical bills already...I don't know.
2) There's only a 30% chance of survival. Not of it working, simply of me surviving the procedure. So far, out of the 20 people they've done this on,9 of them have survived. 9. Several people were worse off than me, some were better. My odds are skewed a bit to reflect my general weakness and the fact that I've never had a chance to get stronger, since I was like this since birth. Put differently, there's a slightly better than 70% chance I'd die on the operating table. Plus my body might not be able to handle the stuff they put in me (the doc explained it, but it went over my head. It's almost like pieces of cloned lung, but not really. I'm still not sure about what exactly it is). Plus I might not be able to fully heal after the surgery.
So...I have a choice to make. Do I give up the time I know I have for the slim chance of getting more? Do I give up all the possible days with Fugaku and Shisui and Grimm and Kuro and all my friends, all the loving and sex and good times and joy...do I throw that in a bucket and try to grab a tiny golden apple? But...can I not? I have a chance to grow old. Am I being greedy? Should I take the time I have and be grateful for it and do my best to make every day wonderful? My friends would be sad, but they're going to be sad anyway. I'm dying. I'm dying. Shouldn't I be greedy? Shouldn't I want it all? This isn't a choice I can put off very long; the longer i wait, the lower the chances of survival get. The meds are starting to not work as well; he's having to change me up more often, and there's only so many different drugs.
Moving here shortened my time, the doc told me. I was better off back home-the air was drier and clearer. It's muggy here and polluted, and there's a chance that it's taken two years off my life. I haven't told anyone that either. I don't care; I won't regret coming here. No matter what.
I don't know what to do. I'm confused and I just don't know what to do. I don't want to ask my friends to make this choice for me either. Either way, they'd be sorry-if I take it and die, they'd feel bad about telling me to take it. If I don't take it, when I die, they'll think about the time I could have had. I don't want my friends feeling guilty about me. So I guess this is something I have to work out for myself.
If I die, who would take care of my cats?
Ok.
Now that I'm officially alone (I hope)...
The doctor told me today that there's a completely experimental process being developed in Switzerland right now that is meant for people who, like me, have extreme damage to their lungs and aren't expected to live more than 5 years or so.
He already did a pre-qualification (he didn't want to tell me about it if I couldn't get into the program) so that's not a problem. It's really expensive, but...uh, I know Fugaku would pay for it (which doesn't make me feel that good to say, but...truth is truth).
Pros:
1) I could breathe again. So far, results have been an increase in lung function sometimes as high as 90% total lung functionality. That's amazing. The doc says it's more likely to be 80's, higher 70's, but considering that I only have 44% on a good day right now, that's still darn good.
2) My lifespan would be instantly snapped back into a more normal time frame; without the threat of drowning in my own snot, I would live...I could get old. I could actually get old. My mind almost can't grasp that.
Cons:
1) It's super expensive. I know that Fugaku wouldn't hesitate to pay, but I...I already feel like a freeloader sometimes, dashing around with him on private jets and staying at expensive hotels. Then again, he's paying my medical bills already...I don't know.
2) There's only a 30% chance of survival. Not of it working, simply of me surviving the procedure. So far, out of the 20 people they've done this on,9 of them have survived. 9. Several people were worse off than me, some were better. My odds are skewed a bit to reflect my general weakness and the fact that I've never had a chance to get stronger, since I was like this since birth. Put differently, there's a slightly better than 70% chance I'd die on the operating table. Plus my body might not be able to handle the stuff they put in me (the doc explained it, but it went over my head. It's almost like pieces of cloned lung, but not really. I'm still not sure about what exactly it is). Plus I might not be able to fully heal after the surgery.
So...I have a choice to make. Do I give up the time I know I have for the slim chance of getting more? Do I give up all the possible days with Fugaku and Shisui and Grimm and Kuro and all my friends, all the loving and sex and good times and joy...do I throw that in a bucket and try to grab a tiny golden apple? But...can I not? I have a chance to grow old. Am I being greedy? Should I take the time I have and be grateful for it and do my best to make every day wonderful? My friends would be sad, but they're going to be sad anyway. I'm dying. I'm dying. Shouldn't I be greedy? Shouldn't I want it all? This isn't a choice I can put off very long; the longer i wait, the lower the chances of survival get. The meds are starting to not work as well; he's having to change me up more often, and there's only so many different drugs.
Moving here shortened my time, the doc told me. I was better off back home-the air was drier and clearer. It's muggy here and polluted, and there's a chance that it's taken two years off my life. I haven't told anyone that either. I don't care; I won't regret coming here. No matter what.
I don't know what to do. I'm confused and I just don't know what to do. I don't want to ask my friends to make this choice for me either. Either way, they'd be sorry-if I take it and die, they'd feel bad about telling me to take it. If I don't take it, when I die, they'll think about the time I could have had. I don't want my friends feeling guilty about me. So I guess this is something I have to work out for myself.
If I die, who would take care of my cats?