(no subject)
Essentially... I wasn't good enough.
OK Before you read this... it's all this and it isnt. It's this bad but it's not. Very weird this. It's all stagnant somewhere in the back of my mind not really pertinent to now not really influencing me at all but none the less still there, you know?
After all that... after the effort the magnitude of the decision.. I wasn't good enough.
I'm not good enough. I'm not. And it's not your fault. Nor is it mine. It just.. wasn't meant to be? I'm not upset.. nor does it hurt.. it just sucks really bad and kind of just makes me further realise how short I am of being a good, real person as so many people in my past have taken it upon themselves to tell me. It tells me, from the one person that did/does? matter.. that everything everyone else has told me you told me wasn't true probably is. It renders all the consolation behind everything that's happened to me all these years I received from you questionable and easily defeatable. FOUR YEARS, CHRIS. Five within 2 months.
It makes me doubt what you've said to me all these years as now you've doubted it yourself and actually told me. It hurts me yet it doesn't... especially since it was so easy for you to just brush this off.
I love you.. I do.. and it's not even the way you think I do (quit fanning yourself so much, hun)... but it's like.. you kiss me and I think you're doing it because you think you have to. It's knowing I'll never know for sure.
It's being turned down by the one who would never let it go (that's not criticism, it's irony).
It's realising I've openly shamed myself --after years of doing so to a computer-- to someone who is real. There was someone on the other side of that phone line who retained the information.. there is someone in front of me who knows entirelly too much about me. For years I said we would but I never thought we'd see each other ever... and now that it has, it's brought just how much I told you into perspective. You know entirelly too much to just be a friend, see... it's the point that's going to either make or break you.
It's feeling like you think you have a certain power over me you actually don't... and feeling like this control invigorates you in some way and being enraged by the thought even being in my head. You do have power over me.. that much is evident in what I've actually done, see? It's me idolizing your imperfections not because I idolize you, but because I feel like after all we've been through it'd be unfair for me to not accept you and not getting that in return.
It's me having to look beyond what I want in order to find purpose to what I've done.
It's me really liking the way that last sentence came out.. and writing it in the book sister to the one I gave you.. that I know I will be little part of henceforth.
It's not being able to bare what you know... leaving it all to the mercy of someone who has no reason to not hold it against me --- even though I know he isn't. Or wont.
It's how the fact that I'm actually okay with all this and secretly just want to have an affectionate fuck-buddy relationship with you in spite of how much room I have to be devastated by this shows me exactly how much I, instead of you, am dead inside. Its how regardless of how much you may or may not want this too the fact that the affectionate bit wont be genuine is a doubt that eats me inside. It's how I'm willing to settle like that... it's how I'm taking the high-road but theres no possible way for anyone else to see it.
It's essentially being in the same place as you but hating it because I would have liked for you to of had been more insistant now that its plausible... the way you were before... so there would be sense to what it is that I have done. It's how I, in turn, am a selfish lover as well. It's seeing how incompatible we are and hating that I never saw it sooner.
It's having my decision mean so little after so much. It's having a million things to say and not knowing where to start... thus not even starting.
It's not knowing how I've reached where I am now. It's seeing myself making a grave mistake.. and being okay with it. It's wanting to go home and not knowing where that is anymore. It's opening my eyes and not seeing anything.
It's how I don't even fucking care right now... and after all I've done, all that's happened, that fact is singlehandedly the most FUCKED thing to have EVER happened to me. And not holding it against you. And not knowing WHY I dont.
It's how I know Danny is going to read this and go 'what the fuck?' and retort with some sort of stupid ignorant remark even though this has nothing to do with him.. and really wishing he'd be a real person for once and didn't. It's understanding that I've been wrong about people before though. Like Homaet. I was wrong about him too.
It means I'm exactly who I knew I was but really wish I wasn't. The man who couldn't live up to his mind.. to what he gives off.. to his name, essentially.
It's how this actually has very little to do with you... yet is all about you abstractly.
It's confusing, that's what it is.
It's not knowing where we stand because I don't know where I'm standing. Literally.
It's me wanting to see you again and having it work just for one day... so I can get it out of my system.
It's knowing it was never really in my system to begin with. It's knowing that I've probably already lost you (as in you don't understand me anymore). It's wondering in which context you'd first think of that if I'd not put the parenthesis in.
It's a million things, actually.
It's how I saved the conversation we just had... and how reading back on it, we both said things I never ever saw myself saying... and how it fits with what I said earlier today about how much we've changed.
It's knowing you were probably my soul mate and no one will probably ever fill the dent you've left in me.. and had we not met it wouldn't have changed and I'd still have that shoulder to cry on. The shoulder I've depended on for so many years. It's how I know I still have that shoulder to cry on... but knowing the shoulder is real because I've seen it.. and not being able to shame myself on it anymore because of it. It's knowing thats probably not true and I just need to give myself some time to get over this. It's how I could still see our friendship getting stronger if it survives this... and hoping it does but still being a little whatthefucked right now.
It's me hating myself again... slowly reverting back to the Luis you saved me from now that you're not there to protect me from him. It's being faithless as I was before you met me. It's being back at square one while you're at square 20. It's going outside and knowing that not 3,000 nor 300 miles from me lies a soul that will ever fully understand me again. It's knowing it's not as dramatic as that made it sound.. I'm smarter than I was then -- but it still sucks.
Essentially:
It's how getting hit by a car would be easier to live down than the fate I've secured myself and how only you and I will understand how that last part was cool like that.
It's how I'd managed to not cry until I wrote that bit about the car and thought back on this weekend.
It's how much I love you but realise I too am not IN love........... and hating myself for it.
It's how in every. single. verse., I'm both the observant AND the girl in this song:
AVRIL LAVIGNE LYRICS
"Nobody's Home"
I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,
She felt it everyday.
And I couldn't help her,
I just watched her make the same mistakes again.
What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.
Open your eyes and look outside, find the reasons why.
You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind.
Be strong, be strong now.
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.
Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind.
She's fallen behind.
She can't find her place.
She's losing her faith.
She's fallen from grace.
She's all over the place.
Yeah,oh
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.
She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh
She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeah
OK Before you read this... it's all this and it isnt. It's this bad but it's not. Very weird this. It's all stagnant somewhere in the back of my mind not really pertinent to now not really influencing me at all but none the less still there, you know?
After all that... after the effort the magnitude of the decision.. I wasn't good enough.
I'm not good enough. I'm not. And it's not your fault. Nor is it mine. It just.. wasn't meant to be? I'm not upset.. nor does it hurt.. it just sucks really bad and kind of just makes me further realise how short I am of being a good, real person as so many people in my past have taken it upon themselves to tell me. It tells me, from the one person that did/does? matter.. that everything everyone else has told me you told me wasn't true probably is. It renders all the consolation behind everything that's happened to me all these years I received from you questionable and easily defeatable. FOUR YEARS, CHRIS. Five within 2 months.
It makes me doubt what you've said to me all these years as now you've doubted it yourself and actually told me. It hurts me yet it doesn't... especially since it was so easy for you to just brush this off.
I love you.. I do.. and it's not even the way you think I do (quit fanning yourself so much, hun)... but it's like.. you kiss me and I think you're doing it because you think you have to. It's knowing I'll never know for sure.
It's being turned down by the one who would never let it go (that's not criticism, it's irony).
It's realising I've openly shamed myself --after years of doing so to a computer-- to someone who is real. There was someone on the other side of that phone line who retained the information.. there is someone in front of me who knows entirelly too much about me. For years I said we would but I never thought we'd see each other ever... and now that it has, it's brought just how much I told you into perspective. You know entirelly too much to just be a friend, see... it's the point that's going to either make or break you.
It's feeling like you think you have a certain power over me you actually don't... and feeling like this control invigorates you in some way and being enraged by the thought even being in my head. You do have power over me.. that much is evident in what I've actually done, see? It's me idolizing your imperfections not because I idolize you, but because I feel like after all we've been through it'd be unfair for me to not accept you and not getting that in return.
It's me having to look beyond what I want in order to find purpose to what I've done.
It's me really liking the way that last sentence came out.. and writing it in the book sister to the one I gave you.. that I know I will be little part of henceforth.
It's not being able to bare what you know... leaving it all to the mercy of someone who has no reason to not hold it against me --- even though I know he isn't. Or wont.
It's how the fact that I'm actually okay with all this and secretly just want to have an affectionate fuck-buddy relationship with you in spite of how much room I have to be devastated by this shows me exactly how much I, instead of you, am dead inside. Its how regardless of how much you may or may not want this too the fact that the affectionate bit wont be genuine is a doubt that eats me inside. It's how I'm willing to settle like that... it's how I'm taking the high-road but theres no possible way for anyone else to see it.
It's essentially being in the same place as you but hating it because I would have liked for you to of had been more insistant now that its plausible... the way you were before... so there would be sense to what it is that I have done. It's how I, in turn, am a selfish lover as well. It's seeing how incompatible we are and hating that I never saw it sooner.
It's having my decision mean so little after so much. It's having a million things to say and not knowing where to start... thus not even starting.
It's not knowing how I've reached where I am now. It's seeing myself making a grave mistake.. and being okay with it. It's wanting to go home and not knowing where that is anymore. It's opening my eyes and not seeing anything.
It's how I don't even fucking care right now... and after all I've done, all that's happened, that fact is singlehandedly the most FUCKED thing to have EVER happened to me. And not holding it against you. And not knowing WHY I dont.
It's how I know Danny is going to read this and go 'what the fuck?' and retort with some sort of stupid ignorant remark even though this has nothing to do with him.. and really wishing he'd be a real person for once and didn't. It's understanding that I've been wrong about people before though. Like Homaet. I was wrong about him too.
It means I'm exactly who I knew I was but really wish I wasn't. The man who couldn't live up to his mind.. to what he gives off.. to his name, essentially.
It's how this actually has very little to do with you... yet is all about you abstractly.
It's confusing, that's what it is.
It's not knowing where we stand because I don't know where I'm standing. Literally.
It's me wanting to see you again and having it work just for one day... so I can get it out of my system.
It's knowing it was never really in my system to begin with. It's knowing that I've probably already lost you (as in you don't understand me anymore). It's wondering in which context you'd first think of that if I'd not put the parenthesis in.
It's a million things, actually.
It's how I saved the conversation we just had... and how reading back on it, we both said things I never ever saw myself saying... and how it fits with what I said earlier today about how much we've changed.
It's knowing you were probably my soul mate and no one will probably ever fill the dent you've left in me.. and had we not met it wouldn't have changed and I'd still have that shoulder to cry on. The shoulder I've depended on for so many years. It's how I know I still have that shoulder to cry on... but knowing the shoulder is real because I've seen it.. and not being able to shame myself on it anymore because of it. It's knowing thats probably not true and I just need to give myself some time to get over this. It's how I could still see our friendship getting stronger if it survives this... and hoping it does but still being a little whatthefucked right now.
It's me hating myself again... slowly reverting back to the Luis you saved me from now that you're not there to protect me from him. It's being faithless as I was before you met me. It's being back at square one while you're at square 20. It's going outside and knowing that not 3,000 nor 300 miles from me lies a soul that will ever fully understand me again. It's knowing it's not as dramatic as that made it sound.. I'm smarter than I was then -- but it still sucks.
Essentially:
It's how getting hit by a car would be easier to live down than the fate I've secured myself and how only you and I will understand how that last part was cool like that.
It's how I'd managed to not cry until I wrote that bit about the car and thought back on this weekend.
It's how much I love you but realise I too am not IN love........... and hating myself for it.
It's how in every. single. verse., I'm both the observant AND the girl in this song:
AVRIL LAVIGNE LYRICS
"Nobody's Home"
I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,
She felt it everyday.
And I couldn't help her,
I just watched her make the same mistakes again.
What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.
Open your eyes and look outside, find the reasons why.
You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind.
Be strong, be strong now.
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.
Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind.
She's fallen behind.
She can't find her place.
She's losing her faith.
She's fallen from grace.
She's all over the place.
Yeah,oh
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.
She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh
She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeah