The Revamping of Sesame Street II
The Networks' try at revitalizing Sesame Street leading to the condition the author has previously spoken of. Another twisted sesame street piece (boo hiss)
Network: Mr. Large Bird, we
Big Bird: Call me Big Bird.
Network: Fine, Mr. Big Bird, we at PBS have seen a problem with your demographic. Let me introduce you to Dr. Weeble, who has been commissioned to do a study on your audience
Weeble: Arsnarf Carf..........ar shar shar shar WEEBLE
Big Bird: What the fuck did he say?!
Network: Dr. Weeble has told you the problem. Extensive research has shown that the average preschooler does not have a job.
Big Bird: So?
Network: So they have no money.
Big Bird: So
Network: Well, advertisers need an audience that can buy their products. 99.7% of preschoolers make less than 12,000 dollars a year.
Big Bird: You are fucking kidding me.
Network: No, so we need to attract a larger demographic, preferably in the mid 20 age group.
Big Bird: You are fucking kidding me.
Network: No we are not.
Big Bird: We are fucking singing muppets.
Network: That is the first problem we will solve. The songs you sing teach crap. Face it. Nobody wants to learn. So we have hired a rapper to write different songs: Sexy Fuckdog.
Big Bird: You do realize we are on in the middle of the day and that we are a CHILDREN'S program.
Network: Does Dr. Weeble have to explain again?
Big Bird: You are out of your mind.
Network: Uh, he has sold 15 billion albums. Everyone in the world has bought at least 2.
Big Bird: So you want giant muppets to rap about sex and drugs to little kids?
Network: No, to little kids and their mid 20 early 30 mothers and fathers. Not only that, but the plot in your show is weak. Everyone is too happy.
Grouch: Not me.
Network: Everyone hates you. But anyway we are changing the plot. It is going to be more like HBO's Oz. That show is so provocative.
Big Bird: You realize you are talking to a giant yellow bird puppet thing.
Network: Yes I do. In fact, you are now going to play a crack whore. And Grouch, you can play a drug addict.
Grouch: So I can finally come out and take drugs on the set.
Network: Sure, it adds a reality edge. By the way, we are also adding a Survivor component and going to make your show closer in form to softcore cable porn.
Big Bird: Let me guess. Are going to make Bert and Ernie play gay muppets with AIDS to deal with todays issues?
Network: Now you are getting it. That is a great idea.
Big Bird: You realize that I was being sarcastic.
Network: And they are brothers too! Gay incest porn!!!! Nothing on HBO or Cinemax can touch that. And the more shocking you are, the more Emmies you get. Emmies bring in customers. You realize Sesame has never won an Emmy.
Big Bird. You are taking this way too far.
Network: We have to out do everyone else and show we dare to push the limits.
Big Bird: Come on Grouch, help me out to save our show and all the little children who watch it.
Grouch: Will I be able to smoke on camera.
Network: By all means.
Grouch: This change is for the better.
Big Bird: Grouch, you are a muppet who lives in a trash can.
Grouch: Who can smoke and shoot up on TV while singing about sex and drugs.
Big Bird: Is this even legal?
Network: Of course it is, we are not showing a breast or anything.
Big Bird: All you are missing is rape.
Network: We are going to make Elmo a rape victim.
Big Bird: Now you have gone to far. I am leaving.
Network: Not until you try your new kinkier costume.
Big Bird: Hell fucking no. This idea is worse than when Michael Jackson went to get his nose cut.
TO BE CONTINUED
Network: Mr. Large Bird, we
Big Bird: Call me Big Bird.
Network: Fine, Mr. Big Bird, we at PBS have seen a problem with your demographic. Let me introduce you to Dr. Weeble, who has been commissioned to do a study on your audience
Weeble: Arsnarf Carf..........ar shar shar shar WEEBLE
Big Bird: What the fuck did he say?!
Network: Dr. Weeble has told you the problem. Extensive research has shown that the average preschooler does not have a job.
Big Bird: So?
Network: So they have no money.
Big Bird: So
Network: Well, advertisers need an audience that can buy their products. 99.7% of preschoolers make less than 12,000 dollars a year.
Big Bird: You are fucking kidding me.
Network: No, so we need to attract a larger demographic, preferably in the mid 20 age group.
Big Bird: You are fucking kidding me.
Network: No we are not.
Big Bird: We are fucking singing muppets.
Network: That is the first problem we will solve. The songs you sing teach crap. Face it. Nobody wants to learn. So we have hired a rapper to write different songs: Sexy Fuckdog.
Big Bird: You do realize we are on in the middle of the day and that we are a CHILDREN'S program.
Network: Does Dr. Weeble have to explain again?
Big Bird: You are out of your mind.
Network: Uh, he has sold 15 billion albums. Everyone in the world has bought at least 2.
Big Bird: So you want giant muppets to rap about sex and drugs to little kids?
Network: No, to little kids and their mid 20 early 30 mothers and fathers. Not only that, but the plot in your show is weak. Everyone is too happy.
Grouch: Not me.
Network: Everyone hates you. But anyway we are changing the plot. It is going to be more like HBO's Oz. That show is so provocative.
Big Bird: You realize you are talking to a giant yellow bird puppet thing.
Network: Yes I do. In fact, you are now going to play a crack whore. And Grouch, you can play a drug addict.
Grouch: So I can finally come out and take drugs on the set.
Network: Sure, it adds a reality edge. By the way, we are also adding a Survivor component and going to make your show closer in form to softcore cable porn.
Big Bird: Let me guess. Are going to make Bert and Ernie play gay muppets with AIDS to deal with todays issues?
Network: Now you are getting it. That is a great idea.
Big Bird: You realize that I was being sarcastic.
Network: And they are brothers too! Gay incest porn!!!! Nothing on HBO or Cinemax can touch that. And the more shocking you are, the more Emmies you get. Emmies bring in customers. You realize Sesame has never won an Emmy.
Big Bird. You are taking this way too far.
Network: We have to out do everyone else and show we dare to push the limits.
Big Bird: Come on Grouch, help me out to save our show and all the little children who watch it.
Grouch: Will I be able to smoke on camera.
Network: By all means.
Grouch: This change is for the better.
Big Bird: Grouch, you are a muppet who lives in a trash can.
Grouch: Who can smoke and shoot up on TV while singing about sex and drugs.
Big Bird: Is this even legal?
Network: Of course it is, we are not showing a breast or anything.
Big Bird: All you are missing is rape.
Network: We are going to make Elmo a rape victim.
Big Bird: Now you have gone to far. I am leaving.
Network: Not until you try your new kinkier costume.
Big Bird: Hell fucking no. This idea is worse than when Michael Jackson went to get his nose cut.
TO BE CONTINUED