483

[snowisgreat]

Woo-hoo!! A story! Who would have thought! Yeah...

Title: 483
Author: That would be me,
snowisgreat
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Vam
Summary: Talking, just talking, right?
A/N 1: Thank you so very much much my dear 
nerakrosefor being my beta
A/N 2: Got the idea from the song “Reden” by Tokio Hotel
A/N 3: This is a kinda-sequel to my (very) previous story “Lips Of An Angel”. You don’t have to have read it to understand what this one is about but it might help so you know what I’m referring to on a few occasions.

I really hadn’t planned on it to happen, I swear to God I hadn’t. Okay, granted, I had hinted to you that I was gonna be alone in my hotel room that night and that you were welcome to drop by if you felt like it, just to talk and catch up. But honestly, I hadn’t thought you would come, it had been too long since we had last seen each other and lots of things had happened in the meantime, things that interfered with the way things had been between us before. Things like a wife and a kid, for instance. When we had seen each other the last time after the concert where you showed up with a pregnant Missy I knew it was the end. When we said goodbye I think I finally realised that you were no longer mine. I had wasted my chances and now it was time to cut the rope, burn the bridges, tell you I loved you.

When I had come to LA to mix the album I knew I was gonna meet you eventually and underneath my confident surface I was a mess of nerves and I felt as anxious as a virgin bride on her wedding night when I learned we were both going to the VH1 Rock Honors show.

Seeing you again was wonderful, intoxicating, exhilarating. You had changed, sure you had, but once I laid my eyes upon you again they saw only the same guy as before and I felt like I was being rewarded handsomely for god knows what. Certainly not for having been such a good boy when I had you.

I know the awkwardness of seeing each other again made it difficult for us to talk at the party so eventually I just decided to get drunk and from the looks of it you chose that path too.
Maybe that was what was needed ‘cos it wasn’t until after numerous drinks I somehow found the courage to very subtly hint to you that I would be staying in the following night, I would be in my hotel room, number 483, and you were welcome to drop by if you wanted to talk. Just talking, naturally just talking, right? Lots of things to catch up on, right?

Truth be told I hadn’t thought you would actually come. I hoped but I didn’t really believe it. We were a thing of the past, why would you want to risk evoking all the mess again when now you had your life on track for real?
So when I heard that knock on the door I was taken by surprise because by instinct I knew it had to be you, it couldn’t be anyone else.

I cast a look around the room before getting up to open the door. It clearly showed I lived there and had done so for the last couple of weeks. Books galore scattered around on every flat surface, CD cases strewn about, coffee cups with dried-in leftovers at the bottom, beer bottles here and there, stains of spilled…stuff on the bedding, clothes everywhere, overflowing ashtrays (I had developed a habit of taking a new one from the reception area whenever I passed instead of just emptying the one already in the room), and little bottles from the mini-bar dotted around the place. What a pretty sight, huh? The bed was unmade, the curtains closed tightly every hour of the day to create a state of permanent darkness for me to be gloomy in, just the way I liked it but you already knew that.

I shrugged, after all you had seen several examples of my messiness over the years to not be scared by the sight about to greet you I concluded, and went to open the door.

*************************************

“Hi.” I’m dumbstruck, can’t think of anything intelligent to say. You’re standing in front of my door, there’s no one else around but you and me and I don’t know how to react.
“Hi,” you reply and send me a nervous smile.
“You… you wanna come in?” I stupidly ask, after all even I can figure out that you haven’t come here to hang out in a hotel hallway.
“Sure,” and still you smile.
A moment passes with none of us moving.
“Ehm… are you gonna step aside so I can get in?” you ask me with a badly hidden grin, don’t think I don’t see it.
“Oh, yeah, sorry,” I excuse and move out of the way. What a great way to start out, I’ve really got it under control.

When you’re inside I move to close the door after you when I get a bright idea and quickly grab the “Don’t Disturb”-sign and put it on the outside. And yes, I know how that sounds like I’ve got it all planned out, but in my own defence I have to say that it is NOT planned, I am hardly aware the thought has entered my brain before I have done it. As far as I am concerned we are only gonna talk and who wants to be disturbed when in the middle of catching up with an old friend?

“So…” you begin. I can’t stop looking at you standing there in the middle of my room, hands in your pockets, shoulders pulled up to your ears. Obviously you are also not sure how to handle the situation and I feel myself mimicking you, putting my own hands in my jeans pockets and pulling my shoulders up too.
“Yeah…” is my clever reply as I look around in the darkness of the room in an attempt to seem less like a jerk, staring at you.
“I see you are still going for the gloomy atmosphere,” you note with a small chuckle. “It’s rather dark in here,” you add with a look around the room.
“Eh yeah, I know. How I like it, you know? The light from the mini-bar is all I need,” I shrug.
“So is it just for me you have turned on that little light over behind the curtain too?”
My eyes quickly shift to the lamp I have hidden behind the curtain; it casts a bit of light into the otherwise dark room for the moments when the mini-bar is not open.
“Ehm… yeah, you can say that.”
The silence falls on us heavily again. Why is this so hard? We used to have loads to talk about back in the days.
“You want a drink?” I ask while moving to the little fridge. Even if you might not want one I sure as hell need one myself!
“Yeah, that would be good, thanks.”
“Beer, Jaegermeister…?”
“Both.” Okay, so you need it too. Might as well follow suit then so I grab two small bottles of Jaegermeister and two bottles of beer and hand you one of each.
“Kippis.”
“Kippis.”
We both empty the Jaegermeister in one go and I can’t help but smile when I see the faces you pull even though I know I probably look just the same.
“Okay.”
“Okay then.” We are really not gonna win any awards with this high-class conversation we’re sporting right now, I should be able to think of something better.
“So, you did great at the show yesterday,” I try.
“You think? Thanks man, I was already quite a few beers deep by the time I went on,” you laugh briefly.
“Yeah well, you looked good on that stage.” The words are out before I can stop them, shit. Friends can compliment each other like that; friends with ex-benefits can’t, not if they wanna avoid complications.
You send me an almost shy smile. “Thanks. You didn’t look too bad yourself.”
“Gee, thanks!” I say with a smile as I try to suppress the joy of being complimented by you, no good in reading more into it than you really mean.

All of a sudden I realise we are both still standing in the middle of the room, nursing our beer bottles and trying to look casual.
“You wanna sit? I can just clear…” I look around to see where the best, or only, seats are. “I can just clear the bed, I’m afraid the chair has disappeared beneath the pile over in the corner,” I ramble as I move to sweep all the clothes and books off of the bed to make room to sit.
“Voilá!” I triumphantly gesture towards the bed when all the shit is gone, elegantly pushed over the side to where it can’t be seen.
You laugh at me and with a polite bow accept a seat. I sit down next to you. Not too close.
I’m very happy, extremely happy actually, to be around you again, to hear you laugh and to smell your cologne but it also hurts because I see how tense we both are. 18 months ago we would both have jumped into the bed and made ourselves comfortable, and I don’t just mean cuddling or holding each other, but now we sit here like two morons with our feet solidly planted on the carpet and a beer in our hands that we both seem to be overly interested in. Judging from the way we are both studying it in great detail you wouldn’t think either of us saw a beer bottle on a daily basis.

“So, how are things going with the album? Done mixing it yet?” you ask with a glance in my direction.
“It’s going good. Almost done.”
Silence of the ex-lovers.
“You have a name for it yet?”
“Venus Doom.”
“Cool name,” you nod approvingly and take another swig of your beer.

“How are things with Missy and the kid?” I ask to be polite even though I don’t wanna hear the answer.
“They’re good.”
“They… are not with you here?” I tentatively prod.
“No, they’re at home.”
“But everything is fine with them?” I’m going on, can’t seem to stop myself.
“Yes, everything is fine, just dandy, going super.” Is that a hint of sarcasm I hear in your voice? I tell myself to stop over-interpreting your words.

“It’s good seeing you again, Ville. Really good.” You suddenly say without looking at me and I turn my head in surprise.
“You… you think?” I didn’t expect you to say something like that.
“Yes,” is all you say but the quick shift of your eyes, going from the fascinating bottle to my face and back again, lets me know that you are not sure if it was the right thing to say. I hate this suffocating layer of awkwardness surrounding the whole situation, I really do.
“I… It’s really good seeing you too, Bam.” I smile at you and you dare turn your head just a little bit and look at me. I keep smiling like some idiotic Susie Sunshine in my lame attempt to make the whole thing more comfortable.
“I’m sorry we haven’t talked for so long but I couldn’t, you know that, right?” you ask me in a small voice and it hurts.
“Yes. I know. And I’m sorry. But I’m glad you’re here now and I’m glad you are happy again,” and I keep smiling to hide the pain and bad conscience from showing on my face.
“I’m not.”
“What?”
“I said, I’m not.”
“What do you mean, you’re not what? You’re not here?” You have lost me for a moment here.
“I’m not happy.”
“Oh.” And just exactly how am I supposed to respond to that, huh?
“I’m sorry, shouldn’t have said that, maybe I shouldn’t even have come here tonight, maybe it was all a mistake, maybe I’m just stupid for thinking that… ah fuck, never mind,” you ramble almost angrily as you put the empty bottle on the floor and suddenly stand up to leave.
I don’t know how to handle the situation, I just know I can’t let you leave so I quickly reach out and grab your hand and pull you towards me in a swift movement.

I am not sure but I really don’t think I’m pulling that very hard but no matter what I suddenly find myself lying on the bed with you lying flat on top of me. I can’t interpret the look you are giving me.
“Oops. Sorry ‘bout that, didn’t mean to pull that hard,” I apologise with a small smile.
“I meant to fall that hard,” you mumble in reply.
Are you saying what I think you are saying? Either my brain is working really slow tonight or I just don’t dare understand you.
“Oh.” The normally so articulate and eloquent Ville Valo seems to have lost the ability to form sentences tonight.

And then you kiss me. A soft, tender, chaste kiss that makes my insides explode with joy.
When you pull away I can’t help the smile from spreading across my face and seeing how it makes you smile as well only makes me smile even more and I don’t care how much of a jerk I look like because you kissed me.
“You look like the cat that got the cream,” you chuckle down at me.
“That’s how I feel as well.”
“You want some more?” you ask with a shy smirk.
I turn my head away. There is nothing I want more than to just say yes but I need to know something first. I swallow an imaginary lump before I turn and look in your eyes again “Do you want to give me any more, Bam?” I can see from your change of expression that you know what I mean and I’m glad you take a moment to answer; I want you to know what you are doing.
“Yes. Yes, I do want to give you more. I know I shouldn’t but I want to. And I might regret it tomorrow when I go back to my wife and my beautiful daughter and give them both a kiss but I want to feel happy again, even if it’s only for a few hours. I just wanna pretend for a little while that my world is in here, in this hotel room, with you. Is that okay?”
“That’s okay. It’s more than I ever dared hope for.”
You nod and give me a smile before you bend down to kiss me again, this time with more force.

Normally it has always been me in control of everything regarding us but tonight I can feel that you want that role so I relax under your weight and let you do what you want to do. To my own surprise I don’t find it hard to leave the reigns to you, on the contrary. Maybe I’ve changed more than I thought.
When your tongue is probing its way into my mouth I gladly grant it access and enjoy the feel of it caressing the inside of my mouth. The sensations it leaves when you slowly slide it along my own tongue, smoothly run it along my gums, gently tickle the inside of my lips, aggressively attack my tongue and demand more - it’s all making me high.

All of a sudden a thought hits me and I can’t help but laugh. You pull away with a surprised look.
“What? What’s so funny?”
“I’m sorry, it’s just….” I keep giggling. “It’s just that… we were just supposed to be talking, you know?”
You nod and smile.
“And now you’re lying there.”
This statement earns me another nod and smile.
“And I’m lying underneath you.”
Nod and smile.
“So much for talking, I guess.”
“I think we’ve done enough of that for the moment,” you whisper before shutting me up with another devouring kiss.

“Wait a minute.” This time it’s you breaking the kiss and I moan at the loss of contact, I thought no more talking?!
“What if someone comes?”
“What do you mean, if someone comes? Who would come?” I really have a hard time following your train of thought tonight.
“I mean like, room service or the maid or someone from the record company or something?”
“Darling, I’m quite sure room service only comes when you’ve ordered something which I haven’t, and as for everyone else - don’t worry, I’ve taken care of that,” I answer with a reassuring smile. After all your nervousness hasn’t disappeared completely and I really don’t want you to back out now.
“Taken care of, how?”
“”Don’t Disturb”, works wonders at night, not worth shit at day,” I grin up at you and I can see how you’re processing that piece of information. The smack you give me on my shoulder let’s me know you’ve figured it out.
“You bastard! You put the sign out there when I came!”
“Unh huh,” I nod and bite my lip to keep from laughing.
“So, Ville Valo, does that mean you were expecting this to happen, huh?” you ask in your wannabe-serious tone while staring me down.
“Certainly not, I simply didn’t want to be disturbed while we were… talking.”
“Yeah sure, I believe that!” you grin down at me before your mouth attacks my neck and I gladly give in to the sweet sensations again.

I let my hands roam all over your body, almost desperate to feel your skin again before daylight calls us back to reality. My feelings are working overtime to be able to process all the different signals my senses are picking up on when you touch me. The way you nibble at my neck and ear makes my toes tingle, when you run your hand under my shirt I gasp, when you unzip my pants I moan in anticipation. When you caress my face with the tip of a finger it makes me sad, but the feel of your crotch pressed against mine makes me forget. When you pull off your shirt and then proceed to remove mine too I go weak from seeing your chest again and I can’t stop my index finger from tracing the “Sigillum Diaboli” inked there - you might wear her ring but you’re marked with me for good. When you leave a trail of butterfly kisses all the way from my neck, criss-crossing down my stomach to the line of my pants I feel as if those butterflies are inside my stomach in stead. When you tug off my pants and I see the excitement in your eyes I feel more turned on than I ever recall having been before. When you use your mouth, tongue, hands, fingers on my thighs, cock, ass, I cum harder than I thought I could.
When you let me do all those things, and then some, to you afterwards and see you react the same way I can’t help but feel like the luckiest bastard in the world to be able to have you for myself, even for just one night.

Afterwards you snuggle up close to me and pull my arm up so you can kiss my fingertips. I am just lying there with a happy smile, savouring the moment and the feel of your legs intertwined with mine.
“Ville?” The tone of your voice should have warned me but I am still on my post-orgasmic high.
“Hm?”
“Why did it take you so long?”
“Why did what take me so long?”
“Why couldn’t you say it before?”
I know what he means and I feel like I’ve been hit with a bucket-full of cold water. I sigh and try to put the words together properly in my head.
“I couldn’t say that I loved you before because I hadn’t allowed myself to admit it. It’s the old cliché - you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone. Until that night when you showed up at the concert with Missy I still thought you were mine.”
“What made you realise you had lost me?”
“I don’t know. Maybe the way you would do anything in your power not to hurt her. The way you wanted to protect her. Maybe how you agreed to leave when she asked you to. I don’t know. Something just felt different and I had to let you know.”
“I hope you know that this doesn’t mean that we’re back to normal, right?”
I wince at the inside upon hearing you say those words. “Right.” What else can I say?
“I love you Ville, I probably always will, but my life is not with you anymore. I have a wife and a daughter and I owe it to them to be there for them no matter what. I might not be happy living my life the way I do but in some ways it’s better than the time I was with you.”
“Please don’t hold anything back now!” Your words bite like a whip but I know you’re right.
“Please Ville, listen to me,” you beg and I shut up.
“Being with you was not all bliss and you know that. You used me, you lied to me and you betrayed my trust many, many times and you know it. But I don’t hate you for it because I chose to stay with you myself, you didn’t ask me to. ‘Cause in spite of all the shit that went on we also had some amazing times together and that was enough to keep me there for a very long time. I always knew you loved me in your own way even if you didn’t say it but I just got to a point of needing to hear it too. And when you couldn’t give me that… I left. I didn’t plan on everything with Missy to happen but it did. So now I might not be with the one I love the most but at least I’m with someone I trust, someone who is not afraid to tell me she loves me, someone who has given me a wonderful daughter. And that’s what I want right now.”

As I am lying on my side I feel a tear running from my left eye, over the ridge of my nose, past my right eye where it’s joined by another one, and into my hair where they both disappear. Had I had any glimmer of hope that this night might bring you back to me then it’s gone now. The feel of your thumb wiping away the tears only cause more of them to run.
I take a deep breath before I can speak.
“I… I know you’re only telling the truth. But it hurts. I know I’m only getting what I asked for and that I have no right to call you mine anymore. I just… I just hope that one day you might once again need what I have to offer you and then I promise you that I will not be afraid to give it to you. After all, now I can even admit that I love you,” I sniff with a weak smile.
You smile back at me and kiss my forehead. “Maybe one day I will take you up on that offer.”

We lie there in silence for a while, just savouring the feel of each other’s body so close and I look into your eyes to try and figure out what has happened. When did the roles change like this? When did you become the one in control? How did you become the one in control? I don’t know but I decide that I also don’t care. Maybe it’s time for me to be yours in stead, and I can do that.

“You know what? I think we just did all the talking that we should have done a very long time ago.”
“It was about time,” you mumble into my shoulder before drifting off to sleep.

I wake a couple of hours later to the sound of my own voice singing from somewhere down on the floor.
“What the f…??”
“My phone, it’s my phone!” you explain while digging through the piles to locate the ringing. “It’s Missy, it’s the tone I have set for her calls.”
“Oh, I see,” I nod with my eyes still closed.
“Hi babe,” you answer her call and I decide to close my ears too, don’t need to hear that.
When you have finished the call you lie down again and snuggle up close to me.
“What did she want?” I know I shouldn’t ask but I can’t help it.
“She wanted to know when my flight is today so she can pick me up in the airport.”
“I knew I shouldn’t have asked,” I mutter, more to myself that to you. “So when is your flight then?” Another question I really don’t want an answer to but I force myself.
“I need to leave in about one hour,” you quietly reply.
“So let me hold you for about one hour, please?”
“I’m not letting go until I have to run out the door.”
“Good.”

One hour goes far too fast and I feel cold the moment your body is no longer touching mine. I watch you get dressed and keep asking myself how in the world I could be so stupid to chase you away back when I had you.
When you’re dressed you climb onto the bed again and give me a kiss that tastes of sex, ecstasy and goodbye.

It’s light outside, the “Don’t Disturb”-sign doesn’t work anymore, and your life calls again.
“Yo babe, what’ up? Yeah, I’m just checking out of the hotel now…” is the last thing I hear before you quietly close the door behind you.

***************************************

So. That was it. I had wanted this to happen, hoped for it, but I hadn’t planned on it to leave me bruised like this. I had thought I could still be in control; still tell you what to do even though I knew you didn’t officially belong to me no more.
I didn’t plan it all to happen. But if I had then I surely forget to plan what I would do with myself once you had gone.