Blah blah character surveys I'm bored as hell shut up
CHARACTER PROFILE
Name: Jan Valentine
Age: 88
Birthdate: 11/3/1922
Birthplace: London, England. Just the trashier part of it back in the '20s.
Bloodtype: Originally AB+; with his vampirism, that is automatically changed to whatever blood type vampires have, if there is any difference at all from humanity.
Dominant Hand: Right
Eyesight: 20/20
Height: 5’7
Weight: 135 pounds
Hair: Black
Eyes: Yellow/Gold
Skin: Dark
Other facial features: Multiple piercings, all golden rings.
Favourite food: Blood. Pre-vampirism, it was steak.
Favourite colour: Yellow
Favourite movies: Scarface, Reservoir Dogs, Ichi the Killer, Faces of Death, anything violent enough to keep his attention for an extended period of time. Still a fan of old school gangster flicks.
Favourite books: Reading is for pussies. He still made his way through A Clockwork Orange and American Psycho for obvious reasons; Naked Lunch he got halfway through. Because what the fuck is that book even.
Favourite music: Old school (pre-2000) rock - Alice in Chains, Pearl Jam, Nirvana, Nine Inch Nails, AC/DC, some Kiss, Metallica’s old stuff. And Queen, but he won’t admit to enjoying Bohemian Rhapsody as much as he does. Laugh at him and he’ll cut you.
Favourite animal: Velociraptors. Fucking vicious, man. Modern day: cockroaches (even if the fuckers are hard as hell to get rid of) because they’re so fucking hard to get rid of and that’s pretty badass for a bug.
Favourite weather: When it’s rainy, but mainly at night.
Favourite sport/physical activity: Total fggt for boxing. Hockey too, though on a lesser scale.
Favourite date spot: Pffff dating. If he dated? Probably the back of a car, so he wouldn’t have to track down a bedroom too much later.
Preferred type: Particularly fond of virgins, though more nailing them than anything they do but scream and cry. Personality wise: classy and pleasantly sleazy like Luke is. This is so totally not a sign of anything or anything, shut up he’ll cut you.
Best subject: Phys Ed. You know, when it was something like football or things that didn’t require a hell of a lot of thought on his part.
Disliked food: Overly-sweet things. Candy now and again is fine, but a quadruple chocolate meltdown is out of the question.
Disliked colour: Neon anything, but green in particular.
Disliked movies: Shit that takes too much introspection and thought to figure out or enjoy - foreign flicks, unless they’re ultraviolent, usually fall into this category.
Disliked books: High fantasy, anything too long or dry.
Disliked music: Emo/goth music and anything about sensitive girly feelings that he doesn’t give a damn about.
Disliked animal: Wasps. Fuck wasps, man.
Disliked weather: Overcast.
Disliked sport/physical activity: Ice-skating. Pussy-ass sport.
Disliked date spot: Anywhere too fancy.
Disliked type: Shy, naïve waifs or anyone loud, obnoxious, arrogant, and bombastic - basically, anyone like him.
Worst subject: English. Fuck that thought-provoking shit, he doesn’t have the time.
Description of bedroom: A ratty couch with a blanket thrown on the back. Wherever it happens to be? Doesn’t matter.
Scents (shampoo/cologne/lotion/etc.): Whatever the hell he happened to get into that day. Often blood.
Laugh: High-pitched and grating.
Sense of humour: Black, sadistic, and sick. Someone’s had their arm ripped off and is now freaking out about it? Awesome. Someone else is blinded and flipping a shit? Hilarious. A dog’s been gutted and is sniffing and licking at a pile of its own still-attached intestines? That’s neat.
Temper: Surprisingly enough, relatively…not good, but not as bad as you’d think. He doesn’t get pissed at things you’d expect him to, like having limbs sheared off or getting shot three dozen times and brought to the brink of death - in fact, he finds those things hilarious. It’s when he’s outwitted that he gets pissed.
Basic nature: A typhoon of bloodlust, raw power, love of violence, and barely controllable killing intent.
Kinsey rating:1. You say anything about it and he’ll cut you.
Spends money on: Luxuries, weaponry, and women.
Daily rituals: Get up, get lunch, kill something, jerk off, kill something else, get dinner, fuck something, go to bed.
Random trivia: Has his cock pierced. This is canon - unless it isn’t, thanks Hirano.
Currently wants: Hot sex followed by a hot meal.
Dress (style, colors): Comfortable and relatively loose clothing, all in dark colors. The beanie is a constant.
Current occupation: Trashman for the closest thing to the mafia he can find. He tortures/kills mofos for fun and profit.
Marital status: Perma-bachelor. Christ, would you want to marry this?
Current Residence: A storage shed in the middle of town with a bare bulb hanging from the ceiling and a few furniture items and amenities here and there.
Sun sign: Scorpio
Decanate: Pluto
Moon sign: Scorpio
Rising sign: Ares
Dominant character traits: Determination, violent, charisma.
Likeable traits: Determined, good at following orders (when motivated to do so), charismatic, a powerful personality, not easily frightened, confident.
Annoying traits: Arrogant, obscene, resorts to violence to solve nearly all of his problems, amoral, chauvinistic, impatient, completely and totally without restraint.
Love interest(s): ahahahahaha
Lust interest(s): Anything moderately attractive that has a pair of tits. Amazing what a complete not-give-a-fuck attitude can do for you and what you’ll screw. Lust and Tank Girl are high on this list, because he’s a horny idiot that doesn’t take “not interested” as a viable answer (and doesn’t care anyway). Seras Victoria as well, though in a more sadistic light.
Close friends: Hiruma. He is an obscene island. If he ever ‘ports in, Luke Valentine.
Other friends: Millennium (The Major, the Captain, Schrodinger, anyone else who ends up ‘porting in).
Acquaintances: Devil Sword, Lust, Tank Girl, Seras Victoria, the Joker, James Bond (unknowingly, the smooth mofo was using an alias and was on voice) and a vast array of passing acquaintances with people he’s managed to piss off.
Enemies and why: That One Dick That Only Texts (AKA Serenity Rose) because she loves to point out that lately all he’s done has been boasting and overly hardcore just for the sake of being hardcore. Seras Victoria because he knows her from home and sortakinda has an itsy bitsy little grudge for helping get him nuked back home. Pokey Minsch because he’s an obnoxious little brat with Luke’s ability of tearing apart all his arguments and reasons for doing shit (which are all pretty much “because I felt like it”). Nobody else has quite made it to official “I would really love to fuck this person up bigtime” notoriety in his mind.
Family: Luke Valentine, his brother. Parents deceased.
Habits: Smokes cigars, swears on an almost tic basis, goes on bar crawls semi-regularly.
Talents: Murder, being a soldier, enjoying atrocities with every fiber of his being. Occasionally, being an excellent soldier to anyone that can direct his destruction in a way that is profitable to them.
Hobbies: Torture, weapons modifications, most things relating to firearms, being an asshole.
Entertainment of choice: Homicide and torture.
Musical talents: Absolutely none.
Ambitions: Have a hell of a lot of fun and fuck with a lot of heads before he gets ‘ported out again.
Educational background: Finished grade and middle school, dropped out of high school his junior year.
Philosophy of life: “Fuck it all, man. Have some fun.”
Introvert/extrovert: Extrovert. Oh my god.
Intuitive/reasoning: “Because I felt like it, alright?”
Optimist/pessimist: An optimistic pessimist.
Tense/relaxed: Relaxed.
Serious/carefree: Carefree as hell.
PERSONAL INTERVIEW WITH CHARACTER
What is your earliest memory? Uh…third grade, I think. Made this one kid eat dog shit because he said something about my face. Showed him.
What was your biggest disillusion as a child? Hearing Santa wasn’t real. Fucking pack of lies there. Pissed me off.
What's one thing no one knows about you? First kiss was with a hooker on a subway. Crossed her legs and broke my sunglasses.
What's one thing everyone assumes about you that isn't true? That I worship Satan and have fuckin’ Wiccan naked dance for the nature gods parties or whatever the hell people think. Nah, too much trouble.
What's one thing you wish you could stop? Probably the fact that the older I get, the more insane shit seems in comparison to when I was a kid. Huge difference between the ‘20s and 2010, and I’m starting to feel pretty goddamn old over here.
What's one thing you've always wanted to do, but never have? Dunno. I pretty much do all the shit I feel like doing, whenever I feel like doing it. I guess I’d like to, fuck I dunno, watch the City burn to the ground. Maybe in the future, I guess.
What are you a sucker for? A nice ass.
What's your biggest pet peeve? People trying to ignore me. Yo, fuckheads! Believe it or not, I happen to get worse - probably couldn’t figure that out themselves, the dipshits, but it’s true.
What is your most prized possession? It’s the beanie, man. Used to be my babes, those sweet-ass P-90s, but they were gone when I got here. Fuck.
What can absolutely make your day, no matter what? Senseless murder, agonizing pain inflicted on totally innocent people, the works. Nothing like hearing a bitch howl in agony to bring that sunshine on your goddamn face.
What's the worst part of your life right now? Prolly the fact that I’m stuck with a bunch of whiny-ass bitches who’re trying to fucking ignore me. Yeah? That shit don’t fly.
Do you have or want children? …ahahahahaha. No. Fuck no. Fucking fuck no.
If/when you ever have children, what is one thing you absolutely want to teach them? Nothing, because if some bitch gets knocked up and I didn’t manage to kill her, I’m getting the coat hanger.
What was the worst advice your father ever gave you? The best? Best? “Life is fucked, don’t let anybody ever tell you different.” Worst? The time he decided that teaching me sex ed was probably the same as “oh hey let’s drag Jan down to the red light district, get fucking distracted, and go on a bar crawl while we just abandon his ass. He’ll get home.”
When did you feel you'd finally 'come of age?' Thirteen. Saved up birthday money from my dirt-poor drunk ass parents and got a blowjob from a hooker down the street.
How do you feel about sex? Jesus Christ, it’s great.
Describe your ideal significant other. No teeth, vocal chords removed, hopelessly bent to my will, and fucking eager to blow me whenever I want her to. Or some sleazy bitch that knows just what I like when I like it and keeps her dumb fucking mouth shut otherwise.
How do you deal with depression, stress or sadness? Don’t have ‘em. Shit’s fucked? Then shit’s fucked, oh well.
How do you think of yourself? I’m one cool motherfucker.
How do your friends think of you? Complete and total fucking psycho with a streak of being fun as hell if I don’t feel like killing you.
How do your enemies think of you? Complete and total fucking psycho who skullfucks and tortures for the hell of it and is gunning for their ass.
Who is your biggest role model? …Dunno. The Joker was my childhood hero, so him I guess?
What is your biggest accomplishment to date? Nuking most of Hellsing. Fuck yeah.
What has been your most humbling experience to date? Probably dying. Fun as hell, but shit I’m not as invincible as I thought, huh?
What will it take for you to die happy? There ain't a goddamn thing in this world that can pull that off. I'm never satisfied.
What would you rather be doing right now? Orgy. Blood orgy. Orgy in blood.
Sexuality Headcanon Meme
The Easy Part
What is your…
1. Name: Jan Valentine
2. Age: Eighty. Eighty-five, I think? Fuck, I don't even remember. Let's go with eighty-three.
3. Sex: Male.
4. Gender Identity: Uh...male? Dude, I'm not one of them fuckin' genderqueers or whatever they're called.
5. Sexual Orientation: Straight. Sort of. This is all, like, discreet and shit, right? It is? Okay, so maybe I sort of go with dudes sometimes. But that's really goddamn rare and all personality and I haven't fucked a guy in, like, thirty years. So...bi. Maybe. Fuck, I dunno. Anybody asks, I'm no fucking queer.
The Functional Part
6. Let’s talk virginity. Have you lost yours? If yes, how was the experience? If no, how do you feel about it?
Yup. Think I killed her. It was awesome.
7. Are you sexually active? How much so? Are you comfortable with your level of sexual activity?
Yeah. A lot much so. Fuck yeah. I'm like...like a fuckin' cat. Except a vampire cat that bangs hot bitches. That was a bad metaphor. I fuck a lot.
8. Do you masturbate? How often and, if applicable, to what?
Yup, a lot, crime scene photos when I can get 'em. Or Forensic Files! Or over a corpse, that works pretty damn well too.
9. Promiscuity: How many sexual partners have you had? Ideally, would you get around more/less if you could? Do you have strong feelings about others’ promiscuity/lack thereof?
Eighty years? I've had a metric fuckton. I'd get around a hell of a lot more if it was possible. And, er...I guess? I mean, I like strippers. I don't get the fucking question.
10. Safe sex: Do you practice it? Do you know how?
Uh...sterile, so fuck that shit. Do I know how? What the fuck kind of retard doesn't know how to slap on a rubber?
11. Do you now have or have you ever had an STD? Have you ever gotten or gotten someone else pregnant? If yes to either, how did this affect you? How anxious do these risks make you about sex?
Can't get 'em, since I'm fuckin' dead. I knocked up some bitch waaaaay the fuck back when. Punched the whore in the eye and told her to march her goddamn ass down to the alley behind the drugstore and get that shit taken care of. She did. Me, I hung out at her house until she came back all cryin' and shit, screaming at me about...fuck, I don't even remember. Laughed in her face and left, never went back! Man, those were some good times.
12. Let’s be frank: How good are you in bed? How good do you think you are? How comfortable are you with your sexual performance?
I am fucking amazing in the sack. Eighty years, man! I mean, like, when I'm actually fucking a cunt and not her eye or summat. When it's regular sex I'm amazing. Skullfucking probably don't count, but. I'm fucking amazing at that too.
The Fantasy Part
13. Physically speaking, what do you find attractive in a potential sex partner? Do you consider yourself attractive?
Huh...I like Brazilian chicks. Big tits and dark hair, nice long legs, great hips? And a good face. They gotta have a good face. An annoying-as-piss voice is alright as long as they don't talk too much. And hell yeah I am. Got that...fuckin' bad boy thing going on. Christ, you know how many pastor's daughter church girls I fucked just because they thought real assholes like me were hot?
And, uh...dudes. I dunno, it's been twenty, thirty years. Not being an asshole helps. Like I said, that shit never happens.
14. What about mentally/emotionally? What kind of attitude or personality turns you on? Why? Do you consider your personality attractive?
A bitch that can be slutty but not too slutty, and she oughta fuckin' know what's too little and what's too much. Being able to pretty much match every goddamn verbal blow for blow helps a lot. If I'm cussing, you either better be cool with that shit or cussing right back. I like a middling. And wearing slutty clothes, too. And gold diggers, too. They just want cash, no kids or what the fuck ever.
So basically, I love strippers.
15. Do you prefer to be on the top or the bottom or neither? Are you generally dominant, submissive, or neither? How does this relate to your personality out of bed, if at all?
Top. Fuck you bitch, you ain't topping shit tonight. Get on your knees. Uh...dominant, by a lot. And it relates to my personality out of bed by me being a fucking asshole who happens to be a dominating asshole. Jesus, this feels like some sorta high school future occupation quiz shit.
16. How important is your partner’s satisfaction to you and why? Are you needy/demanding/giving/etc.? Is romance or emotional connection important to you in sex?
Not...really important at all. I mean, if I sorta like the slut, sure. I'll try. Like I fuckin' said, I'm good at sex when I feel like it. But if she's all mouthy in that bad way, whiny and doesn't want to do this and yadayada ew I don't take it in the ass bitchbitch not in my hair Jan pisscrymoan, I'm getting off and getting out. Not literally, I bought her fucking twelve dollar chocolate martinis, but I don't give a shit anymore. I'd say I'm pretty demanding. You do what I want, when I want, how I want, and fuck you otherwise. And, uh, for romance? Pffff. I haven't romanced shit in a couple decades. I don't even remember their fucking names half the time, have to mumble something that sounds kinda feminine when they do that "say my name" shit.
17. Are you vanilla or kinky? If the former, how comfortable with/aware of non-vanilla sex are you? If the latter, what are your major kinks? How did you discover them, and how do you feel about them?
Ahah. Kinky. Very fucking comfortable. Blood for painfully goddamn obvious reasons, scratching, biting, hair pulling, getting fucking filthy talking-wise, slapping, gunplay, knifeplay, breathplay, icy fucking terror, crushing tracheas with my bare hands, skinning, disemboweling, Hostel-style torture, cutting their throat and then fucking that, pissing on 'em when they're dying, skullfucking their barely-alive body, fucking them after they're dead, jerking off on the corpse, and then taking pictures.
How do you fucking think I discovered them. This is like...my Sunday night.
18. What turns you off? Why?
Being mouthy. Bitching. Whining. Being a fucking ugly bitch in general. I cannot fucking stand whining.
19. How active is your fantasy life? How often/how vividly do you fantasize about sex? Describe a fantasy situation for you.
Well...I kind of like, replace their faces when I'm fucking them. A lot of the time. Other than that, I'm usually kind of busy peeling their skin off to have any fantasies. I dunno, don't bother with that shit.
Some Gritty Details Part
20. Talk about your sexual awakening. How old were you when it happened? Who/what was the first thing that aroused you? How did it affect you emotionally?
Thirteen. I think it was my mom. That is so fucked up. Then I went and bought a blowjob though, so it evens out.
21. Have you ever done/fantasized about anything sexually that you’re earnestly ashamed of? What was it? Would you do it again?
N...okay the thing with my mom, that is so fucked up. Fucking Oedipus douchebag. And she's dead, you sick fuck.
Alright, maybe. If she ain't a goddamn skeleton by now.
22. Have you ever committed a sex crime? Have you ever been the victim of one? In either case, if yes, how did this affect you?
Yep. A lot of 'em, actually! And fuck no, I ain't no pussy rape victim.
23. Is there anything about your sex life or sexual preferences that you would never tell anyone? How sexually open/repressed are you in general? Why?
Uh...alright, there is one thing. I don't do gags or shit that makes it hard for me to talk. Not 'cos it freaks me out or anything, but...when I'm not talking, I just make noise. A lot of noise.
Also the reason nobody fucks me up the ass. Tried it way back when because I was getting bored and hey, why the hell not? Turns out I moan like a pornstar. See, that shit is embarassing.
24. How do you feel about sex, morally speaking? Beyond the basics, are there any sexual areas - homosexuality, prostitution, whatever - that you have strong, moral reactions to? Where do those come from?
Queers fuck off, I love hookers, and sex is kickass. I'm not fucking shameful about anything. I'm not...gay, I think. I mean, sex with dudes just because you're bored of chicks (this was back in...like, the fifties when women were all boring and shit and I found out they had underground gay sex rings) doesn't make you homo.
So eighty years is a long time not to fuck a dude at least once. I might've a couple times. Nevermind, I hate this question. This quiz thing needs to stop making me think about my goddamn issues.
25. If you could change one thing about your sex life, would you, what would it be, and why?
I'd find more people interested in blood orgies. They're fucking great.
Name: Jan Valentine
Age: 88
Birthdate: 11/3/1922
Birthplace: London, England. Just the trashier part of it back in the '20s.
Bloodtype: Originally AB+; with his vampirism, that is automatically changed to whatever blood type vampires have, if there is any difference at all from humanity.
Dominant Hand: Right
Eyesight: 20/20
Height: 5’7
Weight: 135 pounds
Hair: Black
Eyes: Yellow/Gold
Skin: Dark
Other facial features: Multiple piercings, all golden rings.
Favourite food: Blood. Pre-vampirism, it was steak.
Favourite colour: Yellow
Favourite movies: Scarface, Reservoir Dogs, Ichi the Killer, Faces of Death, anything violent enough to keep his attention for an extended period of time. Still a fan of old school gangster flicks.
Favourite books: Reading is for pussies. He still made his way through A Clockwork Orange and American Psycho for obvious reasons; Naked Lunch he got halfway through. Because what the fuck is that book even.
Favourite music: Old school (pre-2000) rock - Alice in Chains, Pearl Jam, Nirvana, Nine Inch Nails, AC/DC, some Kiss, Metallica’s old stuff. And Queen, but he won’t admit to enjoying Bohemian Rhapsody as much as he does. Laugh at him and he’ll cut you.
Favourite animal: Velociraptors. Fucking vicious, man. Modern day: cockroaches (even if the fuckers are hard as hell to get rid of) because they’re so fucking hard to get rid of and that’s pretty badass for a bug.
Favourite weather: When it’s rainy, but mainly at night.
Favourite sport/physical activity: Total fggt for boxing. Hockey too, though on a lesser scale.
Favourite date spot: Pffff dating. If he dated? Probably the back of a car, so he wouldn’t have to track down a bedroom too much later.
Preferred type: Particularly fond of virgins, though more nailing them than anything they do but scream and cry. Personality wise: classy and pleasantly sleazy like Luke is. This is so totally not a sign of anything or anything, shut up he’ll cut you.
Best subject: Phys Ed. You know, when it was something like football or things that didn’t require a hell of a lot of thought on his part.
Disliked food: Overly-sweet things. Candy now and again is fine, but a quadruple chocolate meltdown is out of the question.
Disliked colour: Neon anything, but green in particular.
Disliked movies: Shit that takes too much introspection and thought to figure out or enjoy - foreign flicks, unless they’re ultraviolent, usually fall into this category.
Disliked books: High fantasy, anything too long or dry.
Disliked music: Emo/goth music and anything about sensitive girly feelings that he doesn’t give a damn about.
Disliked animal: Wasps. Fuck wasps, man.
Disliked weather: Overcast.
Disliked sport/physical activity: Ice-skating. Pussy-ass sport.
Disliked date spot: Anywhere too fancy.
Disliked type: Shy, naïve waifs or anyone loud, obnoxious, arrogant, and bombastic - basically, anyone like him.
Worst subject: English. Fuck that thought-provoking shit, he doesn’t have the time.
Description of bedroom: A ratty couch with a blanket thrown on the back. Wherever it happens to be? Doesn’t matter.
Scents (shampoo/cologne/lotion/etc.): Whatever the hell he happened to get into that day. Often blood.
Laugh: High-pitched and grating.
Sense of humour: Black, sadistic, and sick. Someone’s had their arm ripped off and is now freaking out about it? Awesome. Someone else is blinded and flipping a shit? Hilarious. A dog’s been gutted and is sniffing and licking at a pile of its own still-attached intestines? That’s neat.
Temper: Surprisingly enough, relatively…not good, but not as bad as you’d think. He doesn’t get pissed at things you’d expect him to, like having limbs sheared off or getting shot three dozen times and brought to the brink of death - in fact, he finds those things hilarious. It’s when he’s outwitted that he gets pissed.
Basic nature: A typhoon of bloodlust, raw power, love of violence, and barely controllable killing intent.
Kinsey rating:1. You say anything about it and he’ll cut you.
Spends money on: Luxuries, weaponry, and women.
Daily rituals: Get up, get lunch, kill something, jerk off, kill something else, get dinner, fuck something, go to bed.
Random trivia: Has his cock pierced. This is canon - unless it isn’t, thanks Hirano.
Currently wants: Hot sex followed by a hot meal.
Dress (style, colors): Comfortable and relatively loose clothing, all in dark colors. The beanie is a constant.
Current occupation: Trashman for the closest thing to the mafia he can find. He tortures/kills mofos for fun and profit.
Marital status: Perma-bachelor. Christ, would you want to marry this?
Current Residence: A storage shed in the middle of town with a bare bulb hanging from the ceiling and a few furniture items and amenities here and there.
Sun sign: Scorpio
Decanate: Pluto
Moon sign: Scorpio
Rising sign: Ares
Dominant character traits: Determination, violent, charisma.
Likeable traits: Determined, good at following orders (when motivated to do so), charismatic, a powerful personality, not easily frightened, confident.
Annoying traits: Arrogant, obscene, resorts to violence to solve nearly all of his problems, amoral, chauvinistic, impatient, completely and totally without restraint.
Love interest(s): ahahahahaha
Lust interest(s): Anything moderately attractive that has a pair of tits. Amazing what a complete not-give-a-fuck attitude can do for you and what you’ll screw. Lust and Tank Girl are high on this list, because he’s a horny idiot that doesn’t take “not interested” as a viable answer (and doesn’t care anyway). Seras Victoria as well, though in a more sadistic light.
Close friends: Hiruma. He is an obscene island. If he ever ‘ports in, Luke Valentine.
Other friends: Millennium (The Major, the Captain, Schrodinger, anyone else who ends up ‘porting in).
Acquaintances: Devil Sword, Lust, Tank Girl, Seras Victoria, the Joker, James Bond (unknowingly, the smooth mofo was using an alias and was on voice) and a vast array of passing acquaintances with people he’s managed to piss off.
Enemies and why: That One Dick That Only Texts (AKA Serenity Rose) because she loves to point out that lately all he’s done has been boasting and overly hardcore just for the sake of being hardcore. Seras Victoria because he knows her from home and sortakinda has an itsy bitsy little grudge for helping get him nuked back home. Pokey Minsch because he’s an obnoxious little brat with Luke’s ability of tearing apart all his arguments and reasons for doing shit (which are all pretty much “because I felt like it”). Nobody else has quite made it to official “I would really love to fuck this person up bigtime” notoriety in his mind.
Family: Luke Valentine, his brother. Parents deceased.
Habits: Smokes cigars, swears on an almost tic basis, goes on bar crawls semi-regularly.
Talents: Murder, being a soldier, enjoying atrocities with every fiber of his being. Occasionally, being an excellent soldier to anyone that can direct his destruction in a way that is profitable to them.
Hobbies: Torture, weapons modifications, most things relating to firearms, being an asshole.
Entertainment of choice: Homicide and torture.
Musical talents: Absolutely none.
Ambitions: Have a hell of a lot of fun and fuck with a lot of heads before he gets ‘ported out again.
Educational background: Finished grade and middle school, dropped out of high school his junior year.
Philosophy of life: “Fuck it all, man. Have some fun.”
Introvert/extrovert: Extrovert. Oh my god.
Intuitive/reasoning: “Because I felt like it, alright?”
Optimist/pessimist: An optimistic pessimist.
Tense/relaxed: Relaxed.
Serious/carefree: Carefree as hell.
PERSONAL INTERVIEW WITH CHARACTER
What is your earliest memory? Uh…third grade, I think. Made this one kid eat dog shit because he said something about my face. Showed him.
What was your biggest disillusion as a child? Hearing Santa wasn’t real. Fucking pack of lies there. Pissed me off.
What's one thing no one knows about you? First kiss was with a hooker on a subway. Crossed her legs and broke my sunglasses.
What's one thing everyone assumes about you that isn't true? That I worship Satan and have fuckin’ Wiccan naked dance for the nature gods parties or whatever the hell people think. Nah, too much trouble.
What's one thing you wish you could stop? Probably the fact that the older I get, the more insane shit seems in comparison to when I was a kid. Huge difference between the ‘20s and 2010, and I’m starting to feel pretty goddamn old over here.
What's one thing you've always wanted to do, but never have? Dunno. I pretty much do all the shit I feel like doing, whenever I feel like doing it. I guess I’d like to, fuck I dunno, watch the City burn to the ground. Maybe in the future, I guess.
What are you a sucker for? A nice ass.
What's your biggest pet peeve? People trying to ignore me. Yo, fuckheads! Believe it or not, I happen to get worse - probably couldn’t figure that out themselves, the dipshits, but it’s true.
What is your most prized possession? It’s the beanie, man. Used to be my babes, those sweet-ass P-90s, but they were gone when I got here. Fuck.
What can absolutely make your day, no matter what? Senseless murder, agonizing pain inflicted on totally innocent people, the works. Nothing like hearing a bitch howl in agony to bring that sunshine on your goddamn face.
What's the worst part of your life right now? Prolly the fact that I’m stuck with a bunch of whiny-ass bitches who’re trying to fucking ignore me. Yeah? That shit don’t fly.
Do you have or want children? …ahahahahaha. No. Fuck no. Fucking fuck no.
If/when you ever have children, what is one thing you absolutely want to teach them? Nothing, because if some bitch gets knocked up and I didn’t manage to kill her, I’m getting the coat hanger.
What was the worst advice your father ever gave you? The best? Best? “Life is fucked, don’t let anybody ever tell you different.” Worst? The time he decided that teaching me sex ed was probably the same as “oh hey let’s drag Jan down to the red light district, get fucking distracted, and go on a bar crawl while we just abandon his ass. He’ll get home.”
When did you feel you'd finally 'come of age?' Thirteen. Saved up birthday money from my dirt-poor drunk ass parents and got a blowjob from a hooker down the street.
How do you feel about sex? Jesus Christ, it’s great.
Describe your ideal significant other. No teeth, vocal chords removed, hopelessly bent to my will, and fucking eager to blow me whenever I want her to. Or some sleazy bitch that knows just what I like when I like it and keeps her dumb fucking mouth shut otherwise.
How do you deal with depression, stress or sadness? Don’t have ‘em. Shit’s fucked? Then shit’s fucked, oh well.
How do you think of yourself? I’m one cool motherfucker.
How do your friends think of you? Complete and total fucking psycho with a streak of being fun as hell if I don’t feel like killing you.
How do your enemies think of you? Complete and total fucking psycho who skullfucks and tortures for the hell of it and is gunning for their ass.
Who is your biggest role model? …Dunno. The Joker was my childhood hero, so him I guess?
What is your biggest accomplishment to date? Nuking most of Hellsing. Fuck yeah.
What has been your most humbling experience to date? Probably dying. Fun as hell, but shit I’m not as invincible as I thought, huh?
What will it take for you to die happy? There ain't a goddamn thing in this world that can pull that off. I'm never satisfied.
What would you rather be doing right now? Orgy. Blood orgy. Orgy in blood.
Sexuality Headcanon Meme
The Easy Part
What is your…
1. Name: Jan Valentine
2. Age: Eighty. Eighty-five, I think? Fuck, I don't even remember. Let's go with eighty-three.
3. Sex: Male.
4. Gender Identity: Uh...male? Dude, I'm not one of them fuckin' genderqueers or whatever they're called.
5. Sexual Orientation: Straight. Sort of. This is all, like, discreet and shit, right? It is? Okay, so maybe I sort of go with dudes sometimes. But that's really goddamn rare and all personality and I haven't fucked a guy in, like, thirty years. So...bi. Maybe. Fuck, I dunno. Anybody asks, I'm no fucking queer.
The Functional Part
6. Let’s talk virginity. Have you lost yours? If yes, how was the experience? If no, how do you feel about it?
Yup. Think I killed her. It was awesome.
7. Are you sexually active? How much so? Are you comfortable with your level of sexual activity?
Yeah. A lot much so. Fuck yeah. I'm like...like a fuckin' cat. Except a vampire cat that bangs hot bitches. That was a bad metaphor. I fuck a lot.
8. Do you masturbate? How often and, if applicable, to what?
Yup, a lot, crime scene photos when I can get 'em. Or Forensic Files! Or over a corpse, that works pretty damn well too.
9. Promiscuity: How many sexual partners have you had? Ideally, would you get around more/less if you could? Do you have strong feelings about others’ promiscuity/lack thereof?
Eighty years? I've had a metric fuckton. I'd get around a hell of a lot more if it was possible. And, er...I guess? I mean, I like strippers. I don't get the fucking question.
10. Safe sex: Do you practice it? Do you know how?
Uh...sterile, so fuck that shit. Do I know how? What the fuck kind of retard doesn't know how to slap on a rubber?
11. Do you now have or have you ever had an STD? Have you ever gotten or gotten someone else pregnant? If yes to either, how did this affect you? How anxious do these risks make you about sex?
Can't get 'em, since I'm fuckin' dead. I knocked up some bitch waaaaay the fuck back when. Punched the whore in the eye and told her to march her goddamn ass down to the alley behind the drugstore and get that shit taken care of. She did. Me, I hung out at her house until she came back all cryin' and shit, screaming at me about...fuck, I don't even remember. Laughed in her face and left, never went back! Man, those were some good times.
12. Let’s be frank: How good are you in bed? How good do you think you are? How comfortable are you with your sexual performance?
I am fucking amazing in the sack. Eighty years, man! I mean, like, when I'm actually fucking a cunt and not her eye or summat. When it's regular sex I'm amazing. Skullfucking probably don't count, but. I'm fucking amazing at that too.
The Fantasy Part
13. Physically speaking, what do you find attractive in a potential sex partner? Do you consider yourself attractive?
Huh...I like Brazilian chicks. Big tits and dark hair, nice long legs, great hips? And a good face. They gotta have a good face. An annoying-as-piss voice is alright as long as they don't talk too much. And hell yeah I am. Got that...fuckin' bad boy thing going on. Christ, you know how many pastor's daughter church girls I fucked just because they thought real assholes like me were hot?
And, uh...dudes. I dunno, it's been twenty, thirty years. Not being an asshole helps. Like I said, that shit never happens.
14. What about mentally/emotionally? What kind of attitude or personality turns you on? Why? Do you consider your personality attractive?
A bitch that can be slutty but not too slutty, and she oughta fuckin' know what's too little and what's too much. Being able to pretty much match every goddamn verbal blow for blow helps a lot. If I'm cussing, you either better be cool with that shit or cussing right back. I like a middling. And wearing slutty clothes, too. And gold diggers, too. They just want cash, no kids or what the fuck ever.
So basically, I love strippers.
15. Do you prefer to be on the top or the bottom or neither? Are you generally dominant, submissive, or neither? How does this relate to your personality out of bed, if at all?
Top. Fuck you bitch, you ain't topping shit tonight. Get on your knees. Uh...dominant, by a lot. And it relates to my personality out of bed by me being a fucking asshole who happens to be a dominating asshole. Jesus, this feels like some sorta high school future occupation quiz shit.
16. How important is your partner’s satisfaction to you and why? Are you needy/demanding/giving/etc.? Is romance or emotional connection important to you in sex?
Not...really important at all. I mean, if I sorta like the slut, sure. I'll try. Like I fuckin' said, I'm good at sex when I feel like it. But if she's all mouthy in that bad way, whiny and doesn't want to do this and yadayada ew I don't take it in the ass bitchbitch not in my hair Jan pisscrymoan, I'm getting off and getting out. Not literally, I bought her fucking twelve dollar chocolate martinis, but I don't give a shit anymore. I'd say I'm pretty demanding. You do what I want, when I want, how I want, and fuck you otherwise. And, uh, for romance? Pffff. I haven't romanced shit in a couple decades. I don't even remember their fucking names half the time, have to mumble something that sounds kinda feminine when they do that "say my name" shit.
17. Are you vanilla or kinky? If the former, how comfortable with/aware of non-vanilla sex are you? If the latter, what are your major kinks? How did you discover them, and how do you feel about them?
Ahah. Kinky. Very fucking comfortable. Blood for painfully goddamn obvious reasons, scratching, biting, hair pulling, getting fucking filthy talking-wise, slapping, gunplay, knifeplay, breathplay, icy fucking terror, crushing tracheas with my bare hands, skinning, disemboweling, Hostel-style torture, cutting their throat and then fucking that, pissing on 'em when they're dying, skullfucking their barely-alive body, fucking them after they're dead, jerking off on the corpse, and then taking pictures.
How do you fucking think I discovered them. This is like...my Sunday night.
18. What turns you off? Why?
Being mouthy. Bitching. Whining. Being a fucking ugly bitch in general. I cannot fucking stand whining.
19. How active is your fantasy life? How often/how vividly do you fantasize about sex? Describe a fantasy situation for you.
Well...I kind of like, replace their faces when I'm fucking them. A lot of the time. Other than that, I'm usually kind of busy peeling their skin off to have any fantasies. I dunno, don't bother with that shit.
Some Gritty Details Part
20. Talk about your sexual awakening. How old were you when it happened? Who/what was the first thing that aroused you? How did it affect you emotionally?
Thirteen. I think it was my mom. That is so fucked up. Then I went and bought a blowjob though, so it evens out.
21. Have you ever done/fantasized about anything sexually that you’re earnestly ashamed of? What was it? Would you do it again?
N...okay the thing with my mom, that is so fucked up. Fucking Oedipus douchebag. And she's dead, you sick fuck.
Alright, maybe. If she ain't a goddamn skeleton by now.
22. Have you ever committed a sex crime? Have you ever been the victim of one? In either case, if yes, how did this affect you?
Yep. A lot of 'em, actually! And fuck no, I ain't no pussy rape victim.
23. Is there anything about your sex life or sexual preferences that you would never tell anyone? How sexually open/repressed are you in general? Why?
Uh...alright, there is one thing. I don't do gags or shit that makes it hard for me to talk. Not 'cos it freaks me out or anything, but...when I'm not talking, I just make noise. A lot of noise.
Also the reason nobody fucks me up the ass. Tried it way back when because I was getting bored and hey, why the hell not? Turns out I moan like a pornstar. See, that shit is embarassing.
24. How do you feel about sex, morally speaking? Beyond the basics, are there any sexual areas - homosexuality, prostitution, whatever - that you have strong, moral reactions to? Where do those come from?
Queers fuck off, I love hookers, and sex is kickass. I'm not fucking shameful about anything. I'm not...gay, I think. I mean, sex with dudes just because you're bored of chicks (this was back in...like, the fifties when women were all boring and shit and I found out they had underground gay sex rings) doesn't make you homo.
So eighty years is a long time not to fuck a dude at least once. I might've a couple times. Nevermind, I hate this question. This quiz thing needs to stop making me think about my goddamn issues.
25. If you could change one thing about your sex life, would you, what would it be, and why?
I'd find more people interested in blood orgies. They're fucking great.