Email to Sammie

[sobyronic]

To: scoleridge@meridian.edu
From: gbyron@meridian.edu
Subj: Promised Email
I'm not entirely sure what to say. It wasn't anything you did. You didn't do anything wrong, Sammie. This is about me and what's wrong with me. We always knew that I was damaged goods. I'm more damaged than we ever thought I was. And you know how bad I thought I was already

Comments

[shehathstood]

From: scoleridge@meridian.edu
To: gbyron@meridian.edu
Subj: Stuff

You're a retard.

Talk to me when you're sane.

[sobyronic]

To: scoleridge@meridian.edu
Fr: gbyron@meridian.edu
Re: Stuff

Think what you want, Sammie. You will anyway. My trying to get sane is the whole goddamn point. I can't do it if I spend the whole time worried about the effect I'm having on you. I can't get sane when I'm spending all of my energy trying to be somebody I'm not yet so I don't hurt you.

George

[shehathstood]

To: gbyron@meridian.edu
From: scoleridge@meridian.edu
Subject: Re: you're an asshole get over yourself

Yes I think what I want I have a couple of brain cells and I'm not stupid, George Byron, you tell me what happened in New York. We were fine before you left and then you came back and everything went to shit I am not blind. What, did you murder someone? Run over a homeless guy and his dog and thwart a three-year-in-the-works drug bust thereby or something? Whatever; you're being stupid.

Whether or not you're good enough for me isn't your fucking call to make, it's mine and you took that right away from me, you selfish motherfucker. SELFISH. MOTHERFUCKER.

I told you, when we first started dating, that I wanted honesty from you; that I knew you were going to fuck up because you are who you are when you wake up in the morning, and that sometimes the fuckups would be huge but that if you would just trust me, be honest with me, that was okay.

But you don't trust me. Obviously.

That hurts. More than the public humiliation, more than

[sobyronic]

To: scoleridge@meridian.edu
Fr: gbyron@meridian.edu
Re: you're an asshole get over yourself

Whatever did or didn't happen. Whenever it did or didn't happen. The point is that it isn't you that I don't trust. It isn't you who did something wrong. I'm the one I don't trust. I'm the one who fucked up. This isn't me trying for pity. I don't want your fucking pity or anybody else's. I'm just claiming responsibility. For once in my fucking life, I'm not blaming anyone else. I dug this hole. I just refuse to pull you down into it with me this time, Sammie. This isn't about trusting you. I know if I told you the whole story that you'd forgive me. You'd be hurt, but you'd forgive me and try to help me move on. But that can't work. If anybody is going to push me on, it has to be me or else this will never stop and I'll spend years being an asshole to you. An honest asshole, but an asshole all the same and I can't live with that. Maybe you can, but I can't.

For the record? I wish you could hate me, too.

Benny