(no subject)
THE FIDDLEY BITS THEATER PLAYERS BRING YOU:
ISSUE 35 AND SOME OTHER CRAP
(Go here for the Complete Fiddley Bits Theater Collection)
“ ‘Stay here with me in Teletubby Land Paradise, Buffy. This can be our beautiful new home which we richly deserve. Everyone else will burst into flames and die, but that’s okay because they want to.’ WHO WROTE THIS?”
“ ‘Oh, oh. I see you, Angel. I see you there. Here are cookies. Here are cookies for you.’ ”
“Keep going. It gets worse.”
“ ‘Knead me like a roll of dough. Make my yeast rise.’ Hey, my yeast infection cleared up last week, I’ll have them know! Okay, your cue.”
“…I can’t say this next line. It’s too stupid.”
“Oooh, no, you don’t. If I’ve got to blither about being dessert for someone, you’ve gotta cowboy up and read your part of the script, too!”
“I just can’t…I just…”
*sigh* “ ‘Behold. I am Twilight.’ ”
“Look, now the stage directions say ‘Angel and Buffy grin at each other like evil demented chimpanzees. Buffy gets all sassy ‘n’ shit. Angel makes puppy eyes and pouts adorably.’ ”
“So what’s our motivation supposed to be? Does this thing even have a point? And when we flew into outer space, why didn’t our eyeballs explode?”
“Say, do you hear the ominous rumble of a large subterranean Art Deco vehicle about to crash through the wall?”
Ka-BOOM!
“Hi-yo, Cuisinart! Away!”
“How are we going to get out of this pit of voles, Wesley? We barely even look like ourselves! One company gives us teeny tiny child bodies, and the other bulks us up on elephant steroids.”
“Tell me about it. They’ve turned me into a ghost.”
“And taken away your gun collection?”
“Yes. And made me very, very emo.”
“You were already emo. Those scenes of you and Illyria together were like watching a bad Calvin Klein Obsession commercial.”
“Oh, shut up.”
“Well, at least you still exist! I’ve been banned completely and replaced by Catwoman!”
“You do not incite fanboi lust, Burkle Prime, and you are kind and have no superpowers. You also lack a skintight costume. Clearly, you are made of fail. Is this device designed for procreation?”
“Oh, shut up.”
“So I’m all ‘Why doesn’t Angel care that I’ll be killed when he lets the earth get destroyed?’ and they’re all ‘Because he’s Buffy’s 4eva twu wuv’ and I’m all ‘But I’m his SON!’ and they’re all ‘Well, how were we supposed to know that; we’ve never watched that show!’ and I’m all ‘Whatever’ and they’re all ‘Whatever.’ ”
“You think you’ve been humiliated? I marched around for nine issues with an exposed horse vagina!”
“And while we’re on that subject, I believe this belongs to you. I found it hidden under some fence rails and tree branches.”
“Here’s the only comic book franchise that they haven’t pretended to be yet. Why don’t I pose as Betty, and you play Veronica?”
“Wanna guess who’d make a perfect Reggie?”
“Hey, I resent that…or would, except that I’ve inexplicably been devolved into an obnoxious jerk already.”
“Angel, I fear that the situation is fast becoming desperate. We’ve got to make our escape now, before our characters are completely destroyed. Therefore I’ve hired one of the most brilliant attorneys of all time to represent us.”
*gasp* “You mean…?”
“Yes…”
“Voodoo Gunn.”
ISSUE 35, PART 2
ISSUE 35 AND SOME OTHER CRAP
(Go here for the Complete Fiddley Bits Theater Collection)
“ ‘Stay here with me in Teletubby Land Paradise, Buffy. This can be our beautiful new home which we richly deserve. Everyone else will burst into flames and die, but that’s okay because they want to.’ WHO WROTE THIS?”
“ ‘Oh, oh. I see you, Angel. I see you there. Here are cookies. Here are cookies for you.’ ”
“Keep going. It gets worse.”
“ ‘Knead me like a roll of dough. Make my yeast rise.’ Hey, my yeast infection cleared up last week, I’ll have them know! Okay, your cue.”
“…I can’t say this next line. It’s too stupid.”
“Oooh, no, you don’t. If I’ve got to blither about being dessert for someone, you’ve gotta cowboy up and read your part of the script, too!”
“I just can’t…I just…”
*sigh* “ ‘Behold. I am Twilight.’ ”
“Look, now the stage directions say ‘Angel and Buffy grin at each other like evil demented chimpanzees. Buffy gets all sassy ‘n’ shit. Angel makes puppy eyes and pouts adorably.’ ”
“So what’s our motivation supposed to be? Does this thing even have a point? And when we flew into outer space, why didn’t our eyeballs explode?”
“Say, do you hear the ominous rumble of a large subterranean Art Deco vehicle about to crash through the wall?”
Ka-BOOM!
“Hi-yo, Cuisinart! Away!”
“How are we going to get out of this pit of voles, Wesley? We barely even look like ourselves! One company gives us teeny tiny child bodies, and the other bulks us up on elephant steroids.”
“Tell me about it. They’ve turned me into a ghost.”
“And taken away your gun collection?”
“Yes. And made me very, very emo.”
“You were already emo. Those scenes of you and Illyria together were like watching a bad Calvin Klein Obsession commercial.”
“Oh, shut up.”
“Well, at least you still exist! I’ve been banned completely and replaced by Catwoman!”
“You do not incite fanboi lust, Burkle Prime, and you are kind and have no superpowers. You also lack a skintight costume. Clearly, you are made of fail. Is this device designed for procreation?”
“Oh, shut up.”
“So I’m all ‘Why doesn’t Angel care that I’ll be killed when he lets the earth get destroyed?’ and they’re all ‘Because he’s Buffy’s 4eva twu wuv’ and I’m all ‘But I’m his SON!’ and they’re all ‘Well, how were we supposed to know that; we’ve never watched that show!’ and I’m all ‘Whatever’ and they’re all ‘Whatever.’ ”
“You think you’ve been humiliated? I marched around for nine issues with an exposed horse vagina!”
“And while we’re on that subject, I believe this belongs to you. I found it hidden under some fence rails and tree branches.”
“Here’s the only comic book franchise that they haven’t pretended to be yet. Why don’t I pose as Betty, and you play Veronica?”
“Wanna guess who’d make a perfect Reggie?”
“Hey, I resent that…or would, except that I’ve inexplicably been devolved into an obnoxious jerk already.”
“Angel, I fear that the situation is fast becoming desperate. We’ve got to make our escape now, before our characters are completely destroyed. Therefore I’ve hired one of the most brilliant attorneys of all time to represent us.”
*gasp* “You mean…?”
“Yes…”
“Voodoo Gunn.”
ISSUE 35, PART 2