(no subject)
Now with 11% more titties!
FIDDLEY BITS THEATER PRESENTS:
THE OTHER ISSUE 35 (And “The Devil You Know.” And Just…Oh, Hell, I Don’t Know; They’re All Starting To Run Together Now.)
“Is my mike on? Is it wor- Oh, hi! It’s me, Fred, with another public service announcement: Vampire limbs do NOT dust and regenerate. I repeat, vampire limbs do NOT dust and regenerate. I should know; got a pair right here. See? Chopped off and never dusted. I’m gonna go help sew ‘em back on Spike now, just like I did on the TV show…the episode that somebody apparently didn’t watch.”
“Yeah, and these stumpy bits? Think of them as my middle fingers.”
“And furthermo-”
“IT’S THE EDDIE HOPE SHOW! STARRING EDDIE HOPE! WITH EDDIE HOPE AS EDDIE HOPE! EVERYBODY LOVES ED-DIE / HE’S THE COOLEST OF ALLLL…”
“Anshel Dahling, I tink dat Connor is ahdorable, and I vant to add him to my list of hoosbands and boysfriends.”
“Absolutely not; that’s creepy and gratuitous and has nothing to do with the story, and why are you talking like Zsa Zsa Gabor?”
“So these Bills want bad-ass? I’ll give ‘em bad-ass!”
“Ohhhhh, Connah, Ah-chie says it’s okay if I you-know-what with you!”
“No. Also, why do you sound like Edith Bunker?”
“But I’m in heat, Connor! Your scrawny actual body exaggerated comic book physique has swollen my sopping cleft-”
“I’ll take over from here. I’m Eddie Hope.”
“In the first place, canon has never indicated that I’ve ever given a shit about prophecies. In fact, I’ve shown nothing but eye-rolling contempt for them. And I’ve got sense enough to know that you can’t just make a prophecy by hiring someone to write one, even if I did want to shanshu - which I don’t, ‘cause I like being a vampire.”
“I quite agree; this entire business has gone much too far.”
“Bloody right. THIS is what I think of prophecies!”
“Wait, that’s my best…*sigh* Oh, well, never mind.”
“EDDIE HOPE!”
“…And even if I was stupid enough to try to hire one written -- which I damn well wouldn’t -- I’d have a witch do it, not a Hollywood screenwriter! That ridiculous comic portrayed me completely out of character, and now it’s scrambling to claim that it wasn’t due to ignorance! It’s backpedaling, is what it is! Bloody damage control!”
“Well, we’ve all been rendered unrecognizable, not that that’s any consolation. They seem to want us as sophomoric and puerile as possible. In other words, gibbering idiots.”
“Mister Giant Writer Guy, may I please put my shirt back on?”
“NO. We’ve made you the lead character because young male readers will pretend that they’re you and buy lots more comics. That’s why we’re piling babes all over you and giving you unexplained extra superpowers. It’s also why we’ve shoved Angel into the background of his own series.”
“But - but lots of Angel fans are mature adult women.”
“They don’t count. Now shut up and take your steroids.”
“But they’ve got as much disposable income as teenage boys do. Probably more. Why not make Angel comics that they’d like to read, too?”
“EDITOR! TELL SOMEONE IN THE GRAPHICS DEPARTMENT TO ERASE CONNOR’S DIALOGUE BUBBLE!”
“Spike and Angel. Personal friends of mine.”
“Illyria, why are you posing like that?”
“No idea. Dem artist fellas want I should do it. They say it’s a crucial part a’ dah plot, y’know?”
“But they’re just drawing pictures of your ass.”
“And playin’ wid demselves; yeah, I noticed. Any more questions, Wise Guy Muddahfuckah?”
“Yes. Why are you speaking like Tony Soprano?”
“Where they got the notion that I'm keen to screw anything with a hole is beyond me. Or that I’d wear hideous underpants and enjoy torturing people.”
“It’s a head-scratcher, all right. For some reason they’re determined to strip the series of all the depth and heart of our TV show. And they’re getting rid of all the canon characters that the fans came to see in the first place!”
“Yes, and mucking up the few that are left. As if I wouldn’t notice that my soul was missing! For fuck’s sake, the difference was so great the first time around that it drove me insane, which they’d have known if they’d bothered to watch any part of Buffy Season 7. And even without a soul I wasn’t as large a douche as they're making me now. Apparently - apparently-”
“Who IS this twit?”
“Look, you can’t just insinuate yourself into a ‘verse and assume that its audience loves you and wants you to replace the canon characters and take over everything. Let me explain to you about something called Mary Sues, and why they’re not a good idea.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about, nor do I care. I’m the most fabulous author insert character in the entire history of the series. Hundreds of online polls have chosen me as more popular than anyone from the TV show.”
“WHAT online polls? Who took them? How were the votes tallied?”
We hope that you enjoyed this issue. Tune in next month for yet another Angel graphic novel designed to appeal to fans of intelligent, thoughtful supernatural fiction.
The Complete Fiddley Bits Theater Collection
(The role of the Poll Results Demon was played by Bob the Possum)
FIDDLEY BITS THEATER PRESENTS:
THE OTHER ISSUE 35 (And “The Devil You Know.” And Just…Oh, Hell, I Don’t Know; They’re All Starting To Run Together Now.)
“Is my mike on? Is it wor- Oh, hi! It’s me, Fred, with another public service announcement: Vampire limbs do NOT dust and regenerate. I repeat, vampire limbs do NOT dust and regenerate. I should know; got a pair right here. See? Chopped off and never dusted. I’m gonna go help sew ‘em back on Spike now, just like I did on the TV show…the episode that somebody apparently didn’t watch.”
“Yeah, and these stumpy bits? Think of them as my middle fingers.”
“And furthermo-”
“IT’S THE EDDIE HOPE SHOW! STARRING EDDIE HOPE! WITH EDDIE HOPE AS EDDIE HOPE! EVERYBODY LOVES ED-DIE / HE’S THE COOLEST OF ALLLL…”
“Anshel Dahling, I tink dat Connor is ahdorable, and I vant to add him to my list of hoosbands and boysfriends.”
“Absolutely not; that’s creepy and gratuitous and has nothing to do with the story, and why are you talking like Zsa Zsa Gabor?”
“So these Bills want bad-ass? I’ll give ‘em bad-ass!”
“Ohhhhh, Connah, Ah-chie says it’s okay if I you-know-what with you!”
“No. Also, why do you sound like Edith Bunker?”
“But I’m in heat, Connor! Your scrawny actual body exaggerated comic book physique has swollen my sopping cleft-”
“I’ll take over from here. I’m Eddie Hope.”
“In the first place, canon has never indicated that I’ve ever given a shit about prophecies. In fact, I’ve shown nothing but eye-rolling contempt for them. And I’ve got sense enough to know that you can’t just make a prophecy by hiring someone to write one, even if I did want to shanshu - which I don’t, ‘cause I like being a vampire.”
“I quite agree; this entire business has gone much too far.”
“Bloody right. THIS is what I think of prophecies!”
“Wait, that’s my best…*sigh* Oh, well, never mind.”
“EDDIE HOPE!”
“…And even if I was stupid enough to try to hire one written -- which I damn well wouldn’t -- I’d have a witch do it, not a Hollywood screenwriter! That ridiculous comic portrayed me completely out of character, and now it’s scrambling to claim that it wasn’t due to ignorance! It’s backpedaling, is what it is! Bloody damage control!”
“Well, we’ve all been rendered unrecognizable, not that that’s any consolation. They seem to want us as sophomoric and puerile as possible. In other words, gibbering idiots.”
“Mister Giant Writer Guy, may I please put my shirt back on?”
“NO. We’ve made you the lead character because young male readers will pretend that they’re you and buy lots more comics. That’s why we’re piling babes all over you and giving you unexplained extra superpowers. It’s also why we’ve shoved Angel into the background of his own series.”
“But - but lots of Angel fans are mature adult women.”
“They don’t count. Now shut up and take your steroids.”
“But they’ve got as much disposable income as teenage boys do. Probably more. Why not make Angel comics that they’d like to read, too?”
“EDITOR! TELL SOMEONE IN THE GRAPHICS DEPARTMENT TO ERASE CONNOR’S DIALOGUE BUBBLE!”
“Spike and Angel. Personal friends of mine.”
“Illyria, why are you posing like that?”
“No idea. Dem artist fellas want I should do it. They say it’s a crucial part a’ dah plot, y’know?”
“But they’re just drawing pictures of your ass.”
“And playin’ wid demselves; yeah, I noticed. Any more questions, Wise Guy Muddahfuckah?”
“Yes. Why are you speaking like Tony Soprano?”
“Where they got the notion that I'm keen to screw anything with a hole is beyond me. Or that I’d wear hideous underpants and enjoy torturing people.”
“It’s a head-scratcher, all right. For some reason they’re determined to strip the series of all the depth and heart of our TV show. And they’re getting rid of all the canon characters that the fans came to see in the first place!”
“Yes, and mucking up the few that are left. As if I wouldn’t notice that my soul was missing! For fuck’s sake, the difference was so great the first time around that it drove me insane, which they’d have known if they’d bothered to watch any part of Buffy Season 7. And even without a soul I wasn’t as large a douche as they're making me now. Apparently - apparently-”
“Who IS this twit?”
“Look, you can’t just insinuate yourself into a ‘verse and assume that its audience loves you and wants you to replace the canon characters and take over everything. Let me explain to you about something called Mary Sues, and why they’re not a good idea.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about, nor do I care. I’m the most fabulous author insert character in the entire history of the series. Hundreds of online polls have chosen me as more popular than anyone from the TV show.”
“WHAT online polls? Who took them? How were the votes tallied?”
We hope that you enjoyed this issue. Tune in next month for yet another Angel graphic novel designed to appeal to fans of intelligent, thoughtful supernatural fiction.
The Complete Fiddley Bits Theater Collection
(The role of the Poll Results Demon was played by Bob the Possum)