thanksgiving will be a joke this year.
because there's not much i'm feeling
I lost my life today. Its my fault really. I guess you could call it a suicide. I am a defective human being. I can not function normally. I get upset over things no normal person should get upset over. I also get upset to degrees most people never reach. And i have no idea how to let things go or get over something. I am still being haunted by something that happened 9 months or so ago.
I love chris more than anyone or anything else in the world. he is my best friend, and i planned (plan?) to spend the rest of my life with him in some form or another. unfortunately, until i figure out how to not suck so much, i can't see him. i'm tired of being hurt... especially when i know that i'm hurting for a dumb, irrational reason. and knowing that me being upset frustrates and chris and makes him sad too.
Chris and I have been 'just friends' since February. In that time I have been a complete whore, done things I shouldn't have done in an attempt to either make me feel better- or at least make someone else miserable too. I won't say I regret what i've done since theres no point in regretting anything. but i will say given the chance i wouldn't do the same things over again. yet, why is it that simply THINKING of him dating/ sexing/ whatevering someone else kills me? I feel sick to my stomach, just waves and waves of nausia over come me, i feel lightheaded, and have been known to hyperventilate in certain situations. what the fuck is my problem? he's not my boyfriend. he never cheated on me when we were together, and now that we're broken up he can do whatever the hell he wants to.
it isn't fair for him. he has had offer type things for dates, but says no knowing that it would upset me. he can't date other people and feels guilty looking at a pretty girl because of me. (for the record this makes me feel like complete shit). I just... I can't do this to him. one of the reasons we broke up is so he could see other people. as much as i love and cherish out friendship, i hate feeling like i'm holding him back. I hate it that he can't talk to me about everything and anything. it makes me feel like a craptastic friend. I have to figure out how to get over my phobia of him seeing other people. its not even like i'm waiting to get back together with him. I don't think we'll get back together now, later, or ever. I've accepted the fact that the most we'll ever be is friends, but why can't i accept the normal boundries friends have?
it makes me so sad. thinking about all the fun times we've had... the plans we'd made for the future. I was really looking foreward to having thanksgiving with him this year. i've been staying at his house for a while now, and its been so fun!! filled with late night egg sandwhiches that cry, and random psycho noises when you least expect them. playing counter strike or doing our own separate thing. its just been awesome. why can't that be enough?
i officially hate all sexual acts and everything related to them. chris and i would be perfect friends if not for me getting upset about stupid bullshit that involves sex in one way or the other. i just.... i can't help but feel like thanksgiving will be a joke this year. yay! a day to celebrate what we're thankful for!
well i just lost everything. and its my own fucking fault.
(so you know, i'm making an appointment with my woman doctor to make sure my hormones and everything are normal, and for a regualar check up. i'm also setting up an appointment to see a phsychiatrist again. maybe one of these doctors can give me anti-crazy pills, or at least tell me why i might be crazy).
for right now.....
I need you to know how much i truely care about you. Yes, you ARE more important to me than anything else. Its because of that that I have to leave you for a while. It hurts so fucking much, but we have to be strong. If I can do this, then we can truely just be friends. and we will be the best of friends. There will be no more random upsetness over nothing. (well... maybe, but at least not for the stupid bullshit reasons like why i got upset tonight) We could openly talk about anything, and the only egg shells there would be to walk on are the ones left over from our sandwhiches. I need you. Simple as that. and knowing this, I know i CAN do whatever it takes not to lose you. I know it seems strange... me saying i'll do whatever it takes not to lose you and then say we can't see each other for a while. But I can't let Anne's scenario play out. If i don't get over this now, then I'm sure i WILL end up leaving for real one day, because i won't be able to take it anymore. if i do this now, we really can be bffs yo.
You have no idea how much i really do love you. =0(
I lost my life today. Its my fault really. I guess you could call it a suicide. I am a defective human being. I can not function normally. I get upset over things no normal person should get upset over. I also get upset to degrees most people never reach. And i have no idea how to let things go or get over something. I am still being haunted by something that happened 9 months or so ago.
I love chris more than anyone or anything else in the world. he is my best friend, and i planned (plan?) to spend the rest of my life with him in some form or another. unfortunately, until i figure out how to not suck so much, i can't see him. i'm tired of being hurt... especially when i know that i'm hurting for a dumb, irrational reason. and knowing that me being upset frustrates and chris and makes him sad too.
Chris and I have been 'just friends' since February. In that time I have been a complete whore, done things I shouldn't have done in an attempt to either make me feel better- or at least make someone else miserable too. I won't say I regret what i've done since theres no point in regretting anything. but i will say given the chance i wouldn't do the same things over again. yet, why is it that simply THINKING of him dating/ sexing/ whatevering someone else kills me? I feel sick to my stomach, just waves and waves of nausia over come me, i feel lightheaded, and have been known to hyperventilate in certain situations. what the fuck is my problem? he's not my boyfriend. he never cheated on me when we were together, and now that we're broken up he can do whatever the hell he wants to.
it isn't fair for him. he has had offer type things for dates, but says no knowing that it would upset me. he can't date other people and feels guilty looking at a pretty girl because of me. (for the record this makes me feel like complete shit). I just... I can't do this to him. one of the reasons we broke up is so he could see other people. as much as i love and cherish out friendship, i hate feeling like i'm holding him back. I hate it that he can't talk to me about everything and anything. it makes me feel like a craptastic friend. I have to figure out how to get over my phobia of him seeing other people. its not even like i'm waiting to get back together with him. I don't think we'll get back together now, later, or ever. I've accepted the fact that the most we'll ever be is friends, but why can't i accept the normal boundries friends have?
it makes me so sad. thinking about all the fun times we've had... the plans we'd made for the future. I was really looking foreward to having thanksgiving with him this year. i've been staying at his house for a while now, and its been so fun!! filled with late night egg sandwhiches that cry, and random psycho noises when you least expect them. playing counter strike or doing our own separate thing. its just been awesome. why can't that be enough?
i officially hate all sexual acts and everything related to them. chris and i would be perfect friends if not for me getting upset about stupid bullshit that involves sex in one way or the other. i just.... i can't help but feel like thanksgiving will be a joke this year. yay! a day to celebrate what we're thankful for!
well i just lost everything. and its my own fucking fault.
(so you know, i'm making an appointment with my woman doctor to make sure my hormones and everything are normal, and for a regualar check up. i'm also setting up an appointment to see a phsychiatrist again. maybe one of these doctors can give me anti-crazy pills, or at least tell me why i might be crazy).
for right now.....
I need you to know how much i truely care about you. Yes, you ARE more important to me than anything else. Its because of that that I have to leave you for a while. It hurts so fucking much, but we have to be strong. If I can do this, then we can truely just be friends. and we will be the best of friends. There will be no more random upsetness over nothing. (well... maybe, but at least not for the stupid bullshit reasons like why i got upset tonight) We could openly talk about anything, and the only egg shells there would be to walk on are the ones left over from our sandwhiches. I need you. Simple as that. and knowing this, I know i CAN do whatever it takes not to lose you. I know it seems strange... me saying i'll do whatever it takes not to lose you and then say we can't see each other for a while. But I can't let Anne's scenario play out. If i don't get over this now, then I'm sure i WILL end up leaving for real one day, because i won't be able to take it anymore. if i do this now, we really can be bffs yo.
You have no idea how much i really do love you. =0(