introspection part 3
OK so technically this was not a suggested topic, but it came up for me while writing the last entry - self-sacrifice.
Yesterday when I was writing about fighting I came to the realization that a part of me believes Iain's time is more important than mine. So I decided to try to figure out where that comes from. Ever since I can remember my parents raised me to think of others before myself - don't take the last cookie, do community service etc, I did Girls Scouts for 12 years which also stressed service. It was an area I did well at and gain alot of praise for. It also helped my get several college scholarships. What does this mean in the long run - other than I am obviously on the service track in the SCA? I naturally do service, its a part of who I am. But there are clearly times that I can give too much without realizing it. It took me years to learn how to say "no" to clients and put a strong boundary between home and work. Having children made saying "no" to others much easier. My family always comes 1st. Sometimes at the sacrifice of part of myself. I cant even name how many times I went away from a meal hungry because one of the children wanted more food so I gave them mine or didn't take as much as I wanted to so they could have more. The first year or so of my children's lives I disappear - I no longer exist - only my child's mother exist. It takes me a while to climb out of "my existence is being a mother" fog. I don't work full time, or even in what I want to do, or in what I got my masters in, because of my children. I don't want them in daycare and have been luckily enough to not have to do so - at the sacrifice of my choice of jobs. I also give of myself to Iain. I take the kids so he can do other stuff. I choose to do all of this willing, but sometimes it really gets to me. When that happens I have a melt down, reevaluate my life, and make adjustments. Finding the balance is very difficult for me since service is such a fundamental value for me and my family truly does come first. Its not that I don't do anything for me - I am the Kingdom TW marshal and I didn't get here by doing nothing :) Becoming a man at arms is for me. Getting a Tattoo is for me (even if it is a tattoo symbolizing my family!) So I sacrifice alot of myself, then find myself, then sacrifice myself, then find myself over and over again. I am presently trying to find myself again. But the truth is I believe my wonderful family is worth it.
Yesterday when I was writing about fighting I came to the realization that a part of me believes Iain's time is more important than mine. So I decided to try to figure out where that comes from. Ever since I can remember my parents raised me to think of others before myself - don't take the last cookie, do community service etc, I did Girls Scouts for 12 years which also stressed service. It was an area I did well at and gain alot of praise for. It also helped my get several college scholarships. What does this mean in the long run - other than I am obviously on the service track in the SCA? I naturally do service, its a part of who I am. But there are clearly times that I can give too much without realizing it. It took me years to learn how to say "no" to clients and put a strong boundary between home and work. Having children made saying "no" to others much easier. My family always comes 1st. Sometimes at the sacrifice of part of myself. I cant even name how many times I went away from a meal hungry because one of the children wanted more food so I gave them mine or didn't take as much as I wanted to so they could have more. The first year or so of my children's lives I disappear - I no longer exist - only my child's mother exist. It takes me a while to climb out of "my existence is being a mother" fog. I don't work full time, or even in what I want to do, or in what I got my masters in, because of my children. I don't want them in daycare and have been luckily enough to not have to do so - at the sacrifice of my choice of jobs. I also give of myself to Iain. I take the kids so he can do other stuff. I choose to do all of this willing, but sometimes it really gets to me. When that happens I have a melt down, reevaluate my life, and make adjustments. Finding the balance is very difficult for me since service is such a fundamental value for me and my family truly does come first. Its not that I don't do anything for me - I am the Kingdom TW marshal and I didn't get here by doing nothing :) Becoming a man at arms is for me. Getting a Tattoo is for me (even if it is a tattoo symbolizing my family!) So I sacrifice alot of myself, then find myself, then sacrifice myself, then find myself over and over again. I am presently trying to find myself again. But the truth is I believe my wonderful family is worth it.